SINGS.Make ready, fair lady, to-night,And stand at the door below;For I will be there,To receive you with care,And to your true love you shall go.
Make ready, fair lady, to-night,And stand at the door below;For I will be there,To receive you with care,And to your true love you shall go.
Mood.Ods bobs, this is very pretty.
Mill.Ay, so is the lady's answer too, if I could but hit on't.
SINGS.And when the stars twinkle so bright,Then down to the door will I creep;To my love will I fly,E'er the jealous can spy,And leave my old daddy asleep.
And when the stars twinkle so bright,Then down to the door will I creep;To my love will I fly,E'er the jealous can spy,And leave my old daddy asleep.
Mood.Bodikins, I like not that so well, to cozen her old father: it may be my own case another time.
Rose.Oh, madam! yonder's your persecutor returned.
Enter SirJohn.
Mill.I'll into my chamber, to avoid the sight of him as long as I can. Lord! that my old doating father should throw me away upon such anignoramus, and deny me to such a wit as Sir Martin.[ExeuntMill.andRosefrom above.
Mood.O, son! here has been the most villainous tragedy against you.
Sir John.What tragedy? Has there been any blood shed since I went?
Mood.No blood shed: but, as I told you, a most damnable tragedy.
Warn.A tragedy! I'll be hanged if he does not mean a stratagem.
Mood.Jack sauce! if I say it is a tragedy, it shall be a tragedy, in spite of you; teach your grandam how to piss. What! I hope I am old enough to spout English with you, sir.
Sir John.But what was the reason you came not after me?
Mood.'Twas well I did not; I'll promise you, there were those would have made bold with mistress Bride; and if she had stirred out of doors, there were whipsters abroad, i'faith, padders of maidenheads, that would have trussed her up, and picked the lock of her affections, ere a man could have said, what's this? But, by good luck, I had warning of it by a friend's letter.
Sir John.The remedy for all such dangers is easy; you may send for a parson, and have the business despatched at home.
Mood.A match, i'faith; do you provide adomine, and I'll go tell her our resolutions, and hearten her up against the day of battle.[Exit.
Sir John.Now I think on't, this letter must needs come from Sir Martin; a plot of his, upon my life, to hinder our marriage.
Warn.I see, sir, you'll still mistake him for a wit; but I'm much deceived, if that letter came not from another hand.
Sir John.From whom, I pr'ythee?
Warn.Nay, for that you shall excuse me, sir; I do not love to make a breach between persons, that are to be so near related.
Sir John.Thou seemest to imply, that my mistress was in the plot.
Warn.Can you make a doubt on't? Do you not know she ever loved him, and can you hope she has so soon forsaken him? You may make yourself miserable, if you please, by such a marriage.
Sir John.When she is once mine, her virtue will secure me.
Warn.Her virtue!
Sir John.What, do you make a mock on't?
Warn.Not I; I assure you, sir, I think it no such jesting matter.
Sir John.Why, is she not honest?
Warn.Yes, in my conscience is she; for Sir Martin's tongue's no slander.
Sir John.But does he say to the contrary?
Warn.If one would believe him,—which, for my part, I do not,—he has in a manner confessed it to me.
Sir John.Hell and damnation!
Warn.Courage, sir, never vex yourself; I'll warrant you 'tis all a lie.
Sir John.But, how shall I be sure 'tis so?
Warn.When you are married, you'll soon make trial, whether she be a maid or no.
Sir John.I do not love to make that experiment at my own cost.
Warn.Then you must never marry.
Sir John.Ay, but they have so many tricks to cheat a man, which are entailed from mother to daughter through all generations; there's no keeping a lock for that door, for which every one has a key.
Warn.As, for example, their drawing up their breaths, with—oh! you hurt me, can you be so cruel? then, the next day, she steals a visit to her lover, that did you the courtesy beforehand, and in private tells him how she cozened you; twenty to one but she takes out another lesson with him, to practise the next night.
Sir John.All this while, miserable I must be their May-game!
Warn.'Tis well, if you escape so; for commonly he strikes in with you, and becomes your friend.
Sir John.Deliver me from such a friend, that stays behind with my wife, when I gird on my sword to go abroad.
Warn.Ay, there's your man, sir; besides, he will be sure to watch your haunts, and tell her of them, that, if occasion be, she may have wherewithal to recriminate: at least she will seem to be jealous of you;and who would suspect a jealous wife?
Sir John.All manner of ways I am most miserable.
Warn.But, if she be not a maid when you marry her, she may make a good wife afterwards; 'tis but imagining you have taken such a man's widow.
Sir John.If that were all; but the man will come and claim her again.
Warn.Examples have been frequent of those that have been wanton, and yet afterwards take up.
Sir John.Ay, the same thing they took up before.
Warn.The truth is, an honest simple girl, that's ignorant of all things, maketh the best matrimony: There is such pleasure in instructing her; the best is, there's not one dunce in all the sex; such a one with a good fortune——
Sir John.Ay, but where is she, Warner?
Warn.Near enough, but that you are too far engaged.
Sir John.Engaged to one, that hath given me the earnest of cuckoldom beforehand!
Warn.What think you then of Mrs Christian here in the house? There's five thousand pounds, and a better penny.
Sir John.Ay, but is she fool enough?
Warn.She's none of the wise virgins, I can assure you.
Sir John.Dear Warner, step into the next room, and inveigle her out this way, that I may speak to her.
Warn.Remember, above all things, you keep this wooing secret; if it takes the least wind, old Moody will be sure to hinder it.
Sir John.Dost thou think I shall get her aunt's consent?
Warn.Leave that to me.[ExitWarn.
Sir John.How happy a man shall I be, if I can but compass this! and what a precipice have I avoided! then the revenge, too, is so sweet, to steal a wife under her father's nose, and leave 'em in the lurch, who have abused me; well, such a servant as this Warner is a jewel.
EnterWarnerand MrsChristianto him.
Warn.There she is, sir; now I'll go to prepare her aunt.[Exit.
Sir John.Sweet mistress, I am come to wait upon you.
Chr.Truly you are too good to wait on me.
Sir John.And in the condition of a suitor.
Chr.As how, forsooth?
Sir John.To be so happy as to marry you.
Chr.O Lord, I would not marry for any thing!
Sir John.Why? 'tis the honest end of womankind.
Chr.Twenty years hence, forsooth: I would not lie in bed with a man for a world, their beards will so prickle one.
Sir John.Pah!—What an innocent girl it is, and very child! I like a colt that never yet was backed; for so I shall make her what I list, and mould her as I will. Lord! her innocence makes me laugh my cheeks all wet. [Aside.]—Sweet lady——
Chr.I'm but a gentlewoman, forsooth.
Sir John.Well then, sweet mistress, if I get your friends' consent, shall I have yours?
Chr.My old lady may do what she will, forsooth; but by my truly, I hope she will have more care of me, than to marry me yet. Lord bless me, what should I do with a husband?
Sir John.Well, sweetheart, then instead of wooing you, I must woo my old lady.
Chr.Indeed, gentleman, my old lady is married already: Cry you mercy, forsooth, I think you are a knight.
Sir John.Happy in that title, only to make you a lady.
Chr.Believe me, Mr Knight, I would not be a lady; it makes folks proud, and so humorous, and so ill huswifes, forsooth.
Sir John.Pah!—she's a baby, the simplest thing that ever yet I knew: the happiest man I shall be in the world; for should I have my wish, it should be to keep school, and teach the bigger girls, and here, in one, my wish it is absolved.
Enter LadyDupe.
L. Dupe.By your leave, sir: I hope this noble knight will make you happy, and you make him—
Chr.What should I make him?[Sighing.
L. Dupe.Marry, you shall make him happy in a good wife.
Chr.I will not marry, madam.
L. Dupe.You fool!
Sir John.Pray, madam, let me speak with you; on my soul, 'tis the prettiest innocentest thing in the world.
L. Dupe.Indeed, sir, she knows little besides her work, and her prayers; but I'll talk with the fool.
Sir John.Deal gently with her, dear madam.
L. Dupe.Come, Christian, will you not marry this noble knight?
Chr.Ye—ye—yes——[Sobbingly.
L. Dupe.Sir, it shall be to night.
Sir John.This innocence is a dowry beyond all price.[Exeunt old Lady and MrsChristian.
Enter SirMartinto SirJohn,musing.
Sir Mart.You are very melancholy, methinks, sir.
Sir John.You are mistaken, sir.
Sir Mart.You may dissemble as you please, but Mrs Millisent lies at the bottom of your heart.
Sir John.My heart, I assure you, has no room for so poor a trifle.
Sir Mart.Sure you think to wheedle me; would you have me imagine you do not love her?
Sir John.Love her! why should you think me such a sot? love a prostitute, an infamous person!
Sir Mart.Fair and soft, good Sir John.
Sir John.You see, I am no very obstinate rival, I leave the field free to you: Go on, sir, and pursue your good fortune, and be as happy as such a common creature can make thee.
Sir Mart.This is Hebrew-Greek to me; but I must tell you, sir, I will not suffer my divinity to be prophaned by such a tongue as yours.
Sir John.Believe it; whate'er I say, I can quote my author for.
Sir Mart.Then, sir, whoever told it you, lied in his throat, d'ye see, and deeper than that, d'ye see, in his stomach, and his guts, d'ye see: Tell me she's a common person! he's a son of a whore that said it, and I'll make him eat his words, though he spoke 'em in a privy-house.
Sir John.What if Warner told me so? I hope you'll grant him to be a competent judge in such a business.
Sir Mart.Did that precious rascal say it?—Now I think on't, I'll not believe you: In fine, sir, I'll hold you an even wager he denies it.
Sir John.I'll lay you ten to one, he justifies it to your face.
Sir Mart.I'll make him give up the ghost under my fist, if he does not deny it.
Sir John.I'll cut off his ears upon the spot, if he does not stand to't.
EnterWarner.
Sir Mart.Here he comes, in pudding-time, to resolve the question:—Come hither, you lying varlet, hold up your hand at the bar of justice, and answer me to what I shall demand.
Warn.What-a-goodjer is the matter, sir?
Sir Mart.Thou spawn of the old serpent, fruitful in nothing but in lies!
Warn.A very fair beginning this.
Sir Mart.Didst thou dare to cast thy venom upon such a saint as Mrs Millisent, to traduce her virtue, and say it was adulterate?
Warn.Not guilty, my lord.
Sir Mart.I told you so.
Sir John.How, Mr Rascal! have you forgot what you said but now concerning Sir Martin and Mrs Millisent? I'll stop the lie down your throat, if you dare deny it.
Sir Mart.Say you so! are you there again, i'faith?
Warn.Pray pacify yourself, sir; 'twas a plot of my own devising.[Aside.
Sir Mart.Leave off your winking and your pinking, with a hose-pox t'ye. I'll understand none of it; tell me in plain English the truth of the business; for an you were my own brother, you should pay for it: Belie my mistress! what a pox, d'ye think I have no sense of honour?
Warn.What the devil's the matter w'ye? Either be at quiet, or I'll resolve to take my heels, and begone.
Sir Mart.Stop thief, there! what, did you think to 'scape the hand of justice? [Lays hold on him.] The best on't is, sirrah, your heels arenot altogether so nimble as your tongue.[Beats him.
Warn.Help! Murder! Murder!
Sir Mart.Confess, you rogue, then.
Warn.Hold your hands, I think the devil's in you,—I tell you 'tis a device of mine.
Sir Mart.And have you no body to devise it on but my mistress, the very map of innocence?
Sir John.Moderate your anger, good Sir Martin.
Sir Mart.By your patience, sir, I'll chastise him abundantly.
Sir John.That's a little too much, sir, by your favour, to beat him in my presence.
Sir Mart.That's a good one, i'faith; your presence shall hinder me from beating my own servant?
Warn.O traitor to all sense and reason! he's going to discover that too.
Sir Mart.An I had a mind to beat him to mummy, he's my own, I hope.
Sir John.At present, I must tell you, he's mine, sir.
Sir Mart.Hey-day! here's fine juggling!
Warn.Stop yet, sir, you are just upon the brink of a precipice.[Aside.
Sir Mart.What is't thou mean'st now?—O Lord! my mind misgives me, I have done some fault; but would I were hanged if I can find it out.[Aside.
Warn.There's no making him understand me.
Sir Mart.Pox on't, come what will, I'll not be faced down with a lie; I say, he is my man.
Sir John.Pray remember yourself better; did not you turn him away for some fault lately, and laid a livery of black and blue on his back, before he went?
Sir Mart.The devil of any fault, or any black and blue, that I remember: Either the rascal put some trick upon you, or you would upon me.
Sir John.O ho, then it seems the cudgelling and turning away were pure invention; I am glad I understand it.
Sir Mart.In fine, its all so damned a lie——
Warn.Alas! he has forgot it, sir; good wits, you know, have bad memories.
Sir John.No, no, sir, that shall not serve your turn; you may return when you please to your old master; I give you a fair discharge, and a glad man I am to be so rid of you: Were you thereabouts, i'faith? What a snake I had entertained in my bosom! Fare you well, sir, and lay your next plot better between you, I advise you.[Exit SirJohn.
Warn.Lord, sir, how you stand, as you were nipped i'the head! Have you done any new piece of folly, that makes you look so like an ass?
Sir Mart.Here's three pieces of gold yet, if I had the heart to offer it thee.[Holds the gold afar off, trembling.
Warn.Noble sir, what have I done to deserve so great a liberality? I confess, if you had beaten me for my own fault, if you had utterly destroyed all my projects, then it might have been expected, that ten or twenty pieces should have been offered by way of recompence or satisfaction.
Sir Mart.Nay, an you be so full of your flouts, your friend and servant; who the devil could tell the meaning of your signs and tokens, an you go to that?
Warn.You are no ass then?
Sir Mart.Well, sir, to do you service, d'ye see, I am an ass in a fair way; will that satisfy you?
Warn.For this once produce those three pieces; I am contented to receive that inconsiderable tribute; or make 'em six, and I'll take the fault upon myself.
Sir Mart.Are we friends then? If we are, let me advise you——
Warn.Yet advising!
Sir Mart.For no harm, good Warner: But pray next time make me of your council, let me enter into the business, instruct me in every point, and then if I discover all, I am resolved to give over affairs, and retire from the world.
Warn.Agreed, it shall be so; but let us now take breath a while, then on again. take breath a while, then on again.
For though we had the worst, those heats are past;We'll whip and spur, and fetch him up at last.[Exeunt.
For though we had the worst, those heats are past;We'll whip and spur, and fetch him up at last.[Exeunt.
Enter Lord, LadyDupe,MistressChristian,Rose,andWarner.
Lord.Your promise is admirably made good to me, that Sir John Swallow should be this night married to Mrs Christian; instead of that, he is more deeply engaged than ever with old Moody.
Warn.I cannot help those ebbs and flows of fortune.
L. Dupe. I am sure my niece suffers most in't; he's come off to her with a cold compliment of a mistake in his mistress's virtue, which he has now found out, by your master's folly, to be a plot of yours to separate them.
Chr.To be forsaken, when a woman has given her consent!
Lord.'Tis the same scorn, as to have a town rendered up, and afterwards slighted.
Rose.You are a sweet youth, sir, to use my lady so, when she depended on you; is this the faith of a valet de chambre? I would be ashamed to be such a dishonour to my profession; it will reflect upon us in time; we shall be ruined by your good example.
Warn.As how, my dear lady embassadress?
Rose.Why, they say the women govern their ladies, and you govern us: So if you play fast and loose, not a gallant will bribe us for our good wills; the gentle guinea will now go to the ordinary, which used as duly to steal into our hands at the stair-foot, as into Mr Doctor's at parting.
Lord.Night's come, and I expect your promise.
L. Dupe. Fail with me if you think good, sir.
Chr.I give no more time.
Rose.And if my mistress go to bed a maid to-night—
Warn.Hey-day! you are dealing with me, as they do with the bankrupts, call in all your debts together; there's no possibility of payment at this rate, but I'll coin for you all as fast as I can, I assure you.
L. Dupe.But you must not think to pay us with false money, as you have done hitherto.
Rose.Leave off your mountebank tricks with us, and fall to your business in good earnest.
Warn.Faith, and I will, Rose; for, to confess the truth, I am a kind of mountebank; I have but one cure for all your diseases, that is, that my master may marry Mrs Millisent, for then Sir John Swallow will of himself return to Mrs Christian.
Lord.He says true, and therefore we must all be helping to that design.
Warn.I'll put you upon something, give me but a thinking time. In the first place, get a warrant and bailiffs to arrest Sir John Swallow upon a promise of marriage to Mrs Christian.
Lord.Very good.
L. Dupe.We'll all swear it.
Warn.I never doubted your ladyship in the least, madam—for the rest we will consider hereafter.
Lord.Leave this to us.[Ex. Lord, LadyDupe,andChr.
Warn.Rose, where's thy lady?
Mill.[above.] What have you to say to her?
Warn.Only to tell you, madam, I am going forward in the great work of projection.
Mill.I know not whether you will deserve my thanks when the work's done.
Warn.Madam, I hope you are not become indifferent to my master?
Mill.If he should prove a fool, after all your crying up his wit, I shall be a miserable woman.
Warn.A fool! that were a good jest, i'faith: but how comes your ladyship to suspect it?
Rose.I have heard, madam, your greatest wits have ever a touch of madness and extravagance in them, so perhaps has he.
Warn.There's nothing more distant than wit and folly; yet, like east and west, they may meet in a point, and produce actions that are but a hair's breadth from one another.
Rose.I'll undertake he has wit enough to make one laugh at him a whole day together: He's a most comical person.
Mill.For all this, I will not swear he is no fool; he has still discovered all your plots.
Warn.O, madam, that's the common fate of your Machiavelians; they draw their designs so subtle, that their very fineness breaks them.
Mill.However, I'm resolved to be on the sure side: I will have certain proof of his wit, before I marry him.
Warn.Madam, I'll give you one; he wears his clothes like a great sloven, and that's a sure sign of wit; he neglects his outward parts; besides, he speaks French, sings, dances, plays upon the lute.
Mill.Does he do all this, say you?
Warn.Most divinely, madam.
Mill.I ask no more; then let him give me a serenade immediately; but let him stand in view, I'll not be cheated.
Warn.He shall do't, madam:—-But how, the devil knows; for he sings like a screech-owl, and never touched the lute.[Aside.
Mill.You'll see't performed?
Warn.Now I think on't, madam, this will but retard our enterprise.
Mill.Either let him do't, or see me no more.
Warn.Well, it shall be done, madam; but where's your father? will not he overhear it?
Mill.As good hap is, he's below stairs, talking with a seaman, that has brought him news from the East Indies.
Warn.What concernment can he have there?
Mill.He had a bastard son there, whom he loved extremely: but not having any news from him these many years, concluded him dead; this son he expects within these three days.
Warn.When did he see him last?
Mill.Not since he was seven years old.
Warn.A sudden thought comes into my head, to make him appear before his time; let my master pass for him, and by that means he may come into the house unsuspected by your father, or his rival.
Mill.According as he performs his serenade, I'll talk with you——make haste——I must retire a little.[ExitMill.from above.
Rose.I'll instruct him most rarely, he shall never be found out; but, in the mean time, what wilt thou do for a serenade?
Warn.Faith, I am a little non-plus'd on the sudden; but a warm consolation from thy lips, Rose, would set my wits a working again.
Rose.Adieu, Warner.[Exit.
Warn.Inhuman Rose, adieu!—Blockhead Warner, into what a premunire hast thou brought thyself; this 'tis to be so forward to promise for another;—but to be godfather to a fool, to promise and vow he should do any thing like a Christian—
Enter SirMartin Mar-all.
Sir Mart.Why, how now, bully, in a brown study? For my good, I warrant it; there's five shillings for thee. What! we must encourage good wits sometimes.
Warn.Hang your white pelf: Sure, sir, by your largess, you mistake me for Martin Parker, the ballad-maker; your covetousness has offended my muse, and quite dulled her.
Sir Mart.How angry the poor devil is! In fine, thou art as choleric as a cook by a fireside.
Warn.I am overheated, like a gun, with continual discharging my wit: 'Slife, sir, I have rarified my brains for you, 'till they are evaporated; but come, sir, do something for yourself like a man: I have engaged you shall give to your mistress a serenade in your proper person: I'll borrow a lute for you.
Sir Mart.I'll warrant thee I'll do't, man.
Warn.You never learned: I do not think you know one stop.
Sir Mart.'Tis no matter for that, sir; I'll play as fast as I can, and never stop at all.
Warn.Go to, you are an invincible fool, I see. Get up into your window, and set two candles by you; take my landlord's lute in your hand, and fumble on it, and make grimaces with your mouth, as if you sung; in the mean time, I'll play in the next room in the dark, and consequently your mistress, who will come to her balcony over against you, will think it to be you; and at the end of every tune, I'll ring the bell that hangs between your chamber and mine, that you may know when to have done.
Sir Mart.Why, this is fair play now, to tell a man beforehand what he must do; gramercy, i'faith, boy, now if I fail thee——
Warn.About your business, then, your mistress and her maid appear already: I'll give you the sign with the bell when I am prepared, for my lute is at hand in the barber's shop.[Exeunt.
Enter MrsMillisent,andRose,with a candle bythem, above.
Rose.We shall have rare music.
Mill.I wish it prove so; for I suspect the knight can neither play nor sing.
Rose.But if he does, you are bound to pay the music, madam.
Mill.I'll not believe it, except both my ears and eyes are witnesses.
Rose.But 'tis night, madam, and you cannot see him; yet he may play admirably in the dark.
Mill.Where's my father?
Rose.You need not fear him, he's still employed with that same seaman; and I have set Mrs Christian to watch their discourse, that, betwixt her and me, Warner may have wherewithal to instruct his master.
Mill.But yet there's fear my father will find out the plot.
Rose.Not in the least; for my old lady has provided two rare disguises for the master and the man.
Mill.Peace, I hear them beginning to tune the lute.
Rose.And see, madam, where your true knight, Sir Martin, is placed yonder like Apollo, with his lute in his hand, and his rays about his head. [Sir Martinappears at the adverse window; a tune is played; when it is done,Warnerrings, andSir Martinholds.] Did he not play most excellently, Madam?
Mill.He played well, and yet methinks he held his lute but untowardly.
Rose.Dear madam, peace; now for the song.
THE SONG[B].Blind love, to this hour,Had never, like me, a slave under his power:Then blest be the dart,That he threw at my heart;For nothing can proveA joy so great, as to be wounded with love.My days, and my nights,Are filled to the purpose with sorrows and frights:From my heart still I sigh,And my eyes are ne'er dry;So that, Cupid be praised,I am to the top of love's happiness raised.My soul's all on fire,So that I have the pleasure to doat and desire:Such a pretty soft pain,That it tickles each vein;'Tis the dream of a smart,Which makes me breathe short, when it beats at my heart.Sometimes, in a pet,When I am despised, I my freedom would get:But strait a sweet smileDoes my anger beguile,And my heart does recal;Then the more I do struggle, the lower I fall.Heaven does not impartSuch a grace, as to love, unto every ones heart;For many may wishTo be wounded, and miss:Then blest be loves fire,And more blest her eyes, that first taught me desire.
THE SONG[B].Blind love, to this hour,Had never, like me, a slave under his power:Then blest be the dart,That he threw at my heart;For nothing can proveA joy so great, as to be wounded with love.
My days, and my nights,Are filled to the purpose with sorrows and frights:From my heart still I sigh,And my eyes are ne'er dry;So that, Cupid be praised,I am to the top of love's happiness raised.
My soul's all on fire,So that I have the pleasure to doat and desire:Such a pretty soft pain,That it tickles each vein;'Tis the dream of a smart,Which makes me breathe short, when it beats at my heart.
Sometimes, in a pet,When I am despised, I my freedom would get:But strait a sweet smileDoes my anger beguile,And my heart does recal;Then the more I do struggle, the lower I fall.
Heaven does not impartSuch a grace, as to love, unto every ones heart;For many may wishTo be wounded, and miss:Then blest be loves fire,And more blest her eyes, that first taught me desire.
The Song being done,Warnerrings again; butSir Martincontinues fumbling, and gazing on his Mistress.
Mill.A pretty humoured song. But stay, methinks he plays and sings still, and yet we cannot hear him. Play louder, Sir Martin, that we may have the fruits on't.
Warn.[Peeping.] Death! this abominable fool will spoil all again. Damn him, he stands making his grimaces yonder; and he looks so earnestly upon his mistress, that he hears me not.[Rings again.
Mill.Ah, ah! have I found you out, sir? Now, as I live and breathe, this is pleasant: Rose, his man played and sung for him, and he, it seems, did not know when he should give over.[Mill.andRoselaugh.
Warn.They have found him out, and laugh yonder, as if they would split their sides. Why, Mr Fool, Oaf, Coxcomb, will you hear none of your names?
Mill.Sir Martin, Sir Martin, take your man's counsel, and keep time with your music.
Sir Mart.[Peeping.] Hah! What do you say, madam? How does your ladyship like my music?
Mill.O most heavenly! just like the harmony of the spheres, that is to be admired, and never heard.
Warn.You have ruined all, by your not leaving off in time.
Sir Mart.What the devil would you have a man do, when my hand is in! Well, o'my conscience, I think there is a fate upon me.[Noise within.
Mill.Look, Rose, what's the matter.
Rose.'Tis Sir John Swallow pursued by the bailiffs, madam, according to our plot; it seems they have dogged him thus late to his lodging.
Mill.That's well; for though I begin not to love this fool, yet I am glad I shall be rid of him.[ExeuntMill.andRose.
EnterSir John,pursued by three Bailiffs over the stage.
Sir Mart.Now I'll redeem all again; my mistress shall see my valour, I'm resolved on't. Villains, rogues, poltroons! What? three upon one? In fine, I'll be with you immediately.[Exit.
Warn.Why, sir, are you stark mad? have you no grain of sense left? He's gone! now is he as earnest in the quarrel as Cokes among the puppets; 'tis to no purpose whatever I do for him.[ExitWarner.
EnterSir JohnandSir Martin(having driven away the Bailiffs);Sir Martinflourishes his sword.
Sir Mart.Victoria! Victoria! What heart, Sir John? you have received no harm, I hope?
Sir John.Not the least; I thank you, sir, for your timely assistance, which I will requite with any thing, but the resigning of my mistress. Dear Sir Martin, a goodnight.
Sir Mart.Pray let me wait upon you in, Sir John.
Sir John.I can find my way to Mrs Millisent without you, sir, I thank you.
Sir Mart.But pray, what were you to be arrested for?
Sir John.I know no more than you; some little debts perhaps I left unpaid by my negligence: Once more, good night, sir.[Exit.
Sir Mart.He's an ungrateful fellow; and so, in fine, I shall tell him when I see him next—Monsieur——
EnterWarner.
Warner,a propos! I hope you'll applaud me now. I have defeated the enemy, and that in sight of my mistress; boy, I have charmed her, i'faith, with my valour.
Warn.Ay, just as much as you did e'en now with your music; go, you are so beastly a fool, that a chiding is thrown away upon you.
Sir Mart.Fool in your face, sir; call a man of honour fool, when I have just achieved such an enterprise—Gad, now my blood's up, I am a dangerous person, I can tell you that, Warner.
Warn.Poor animal, I pity thee!
Sir Mart.I grant I am no musician, but you must allow me for a swordsman: I have beat them bravely; and, in fine, I am come offunhurt, save only a little scratch in the head.
Warn.That's impossible; thou hast a skull so thick, no sword can pierce it; but much good may it do you, sir, with the fruits of your valour: You rescued your rival, when he was to be arrested, on purpose to take him off from your mistress.
Sir Mart.Why, this is ever the fate of ingenious men; nothing thrives they take in hand.
EnterRose.
Rose.Sir Martin, you have done your business with my lady, she'll never look upon you more; she says, she's so well satisfied of your wit and courage, that she will not put you to any further trial.
Sir Mart.Warner, is there no hopes, Warner?
Warn.None that I know.
Sir Mart.Let's have but one civil plot more before we part.
Warn.'Tis to no purpose.
Rose.Yet, if he had some golden friends, that would engage for him the next time——
Sir Mart.Here's a Jacobus and a Carolus will enter into bonds for me.
Rose.I'll take their royal words for once.[She fetches two disguises.
Warn.The meaning of this, dear Rose?
Rose.'Tis in pursuance of thy own invention, Warner; a child which thy wit hath begot upon me: But let us lose no time. Help! help! dress thy master, that he may be Anthony, old Moody's bastard, and thou his, come from the East Indies.
Sir Mart.Hey-tarock it—now we shall have Rose's device too; I long to be at it, pray let's hear more on it.
Rose.Old Moody, you must know, in his younger years, when he was a Cambridge-scholar, made bold with a townsman's daughter there, by whom he had a bastard, whose name was Anthony, whom you, Sir Martin, are to represent.
Sir Mart.I warrant you; let me alone for Tony: But pray go on, Rose.
Rose.This child, in his father's time, he durst not own, but bred him privately in the isle of Ely, till he was seven years old, and from thence sent him with one Bonaventure, a merchant, for the East Indies.
Warn.But will not this over-burden your memory, sir?
Sir Mart.There's no answering thee any thing; thou thinkest I am good for nothing.
Rose.Bonaventure died at Surat within two years, and this Anthony has lived up and down in the Mogul's country, unheard of by his father till this night, and is expected within these three days: Now if you can pass for him, you may have admittance into the house, and make an end of all the business before the other Anthony arrives.
Warn.But hold, Rose, there's one considerable point omitted; what was his mother's name?
Rose.That indeed I had forgot; her name was Dorothy, daughter to one Draw-water, a vintner at the Rose.
Warn.Come, sir, are you perfect in your lesson? Anthony Moody, born in Cambridge, bred in the isle of Ely, sent into the Mogul's country at seven years old, with one Bonaventure, a merchant, who died within two years; your mother's name Dorothy Draw-water, the vintner's daughter at the Rose.
Sir Mart.I have it allad unguem—what! do'st think I'm a sot? But stay a little,——how have I lived all this while in that same country?
Warn.What country?—Pox, he has forgot already!
Rose.The Mogul's country.
Sir Mart.Ay, ay, the Mogul's country. What the devil, any man may mistake a little; but now I have it perfect: But what have I been doing all this while in the Mogul's country?—He's a heathen rogue, I am afraid I shall never hit upon his name.
Warn.Why, you have been passing your time there no matter how.
Rose.Well, if this passes upon the old man, I'll bring your business about again with my mistress, never fear it; stay you here at the door, I'll go tell the old man of your arrival.
Warn.Well, sir, now play your part exactly, and I'll forgive all your former errors.
Sir Mart.Hang them, they were only slips of youth. How peremptory and domineering this rogue is, now he sees I have need of his service! Would I were out of his power again, I would make him lie at my feet like any spaniel.
EnterMoody,SirJohn,Lord,LadyDupe, Millisent, Christian,andRose.
Mood.Is he here already, say'st thou? Which is he?
Rose.That sun-burned gentleman.
Mood.My dear boy, Anthony, do I see thee again before I die? Welcome, welcome.
Sir Mart.My dear father, I know it is you by instinct; for, methinks, I am as like you, as if I were spit out of your mouth.
Rose.Keep it up, I beseech your lordship.[Aside to the Lord.
Lord.He's wonderous like indeed.
L. Dupe.The very image of him.
Mood.Anthony, you must salute all this company: This is my LordDartmouth, this my Lady Dupe, this her niece Mrs Christian.[He salutes them.
Sir Mart.And that's my sister; methinks I have a good resemblance of her too: Honest sister, I must needs kiss you, sister.
Warn.This fool will discover himself; I foresee it already by his carriage to her.
Mood.And now, Anthony, pray tell us a little of your travels.
Sir Mart.Time enough for that, forsooth, father; but I have such a natural affection for my sister, that, methinks, I could live and die with her: Give me thy hand, sweet sister.
Sir John.She's beholden to you, sir.
Sir Mart.What if she be, sir? what's that to you, sir?
Sir John.I hope, sir, I have not offended you?
Sir Mart.It may be you have, and it may be you have not, sir; you see I have no mind to satisfy you, sir: What a devil! a man cannot talk a little to his own flesh and blood, but you must be interposing, with a murrain to you.
Mood.Enough of this, good Anthony; this gentleman is to marry your sister.
Sir Mart.He marry my sister! Ods foot, sir, there are some bastards, that shall be nameless, that are as well worthy to marry her, as any man; and have as good blood in their veins.
Sir John.I do not question it in the least, sir.
Sir Mart.'Tis not your best course, sir; you marry my sister! what have you seen of the world, sir? I have seen your hurricanos, and your calentures, and your ecliptics, and your tropic lines, sir, an you go to that, sir.
Warn.You must excuse my master; the sea's a little working in his brain, sir.
Sir Mart. And your Prester Johns of the East Indies, and your great Turk of Rome and Persia.
Mood.Lord, what a thing it is to be learned, and a traveller! Bodikin, it makes me weep for joy; but, Anthony, you must not bear yourself too much upon your learning, child.
Mill.Pray, brother, be civil to this gentleman for my sake.
Sir Mart.For your sake, sister Millisent, much may be done, and here I kiss your hand on it.
Warn.Yet again, stupidity?
Mill.Nay, pray, brother, hands off; now you are too rude.
Sir Mart.Dear sister, as I am a true East India gentleman——
Mood.But pray, son Anthony, let us talk of other matters; and tell me truly, had you not quite forgot me? And yet I made woundy much of you, when you were young.
Sir Mart.I remember you as well as if I saw you but yesterday: A fine grey-headed—grey-bearded old gentleman, as ever I saw in all my life.
Warn. aside.] Grey-bearded old gentleman! when he was a scholar at Cambridge!
Mood.But do you remember where you were bred up?
Sir Mart.O yes, sir, most perfectly, in the isle—stay—let me see, oh—now I have it—in the isle of Scilly.
Mood.In the Isle of Ely, sure you mean?
Warn.Without doubt, he did, sir; but this damn'd isle of Scilly runs in his head, ever since his sea voyage.
Mood.And your mother's name was—come, pray let me examine you—for that, I'm sure, you cannot forget.
Sir Mart.Warner! what was it, Warner?[Aside.
Warn.Poor Mrs Dorothy Draw-water, if she were now alive, what ajoyful day would this be to her!
Mood.Who the devil bid you speak, sirrah?
Sir Mart.Her name, sir, was Mrs Dorothy Draw-water.
Sir John.I'll be hanged if this be not some cheat.
Mill.He makes so many stumbles, he must needs fall at last.
Mood.But you remember, I hope, where you were born?
Warn.Well, they may talk what they will of Oxford for an university, but Cambridge for my money.
Mood.Hold your tongue, you scanderbag rogue you; this is the second time you have been talking when you should not.
Sir Mart.I was born at Cambridge; I remember it as perfectly as if it were but yesterday.
Warn.How I sweat for him! he's remembering ever since he was born.
Mood.And who did you go over with to the East-Indies?
Sir Mart.Warner![Aside.
Warn.'Twas a happy thing, sir, you lighted upon so honest a merchant as Mr Bonaventure, to take care of him.
Mood.Saucy rascal! This is past all sufferance.
Rose.We are undone, Warner, if this discourse go on any further.
Lord.Pray, sir, take pity on the poor gentleman; he has more need of a good supper, than to be asked so many questions.
Sir John.These are rogues, sir, I plainly perceive it; pray let me ask him one question—Which way did you come home, sir?
Sir Mart.We came home by land, sir.
Warn.That is, from India to Persia, from Persia to Turkey, fromTurkey to Germany, from Germany to France.
Sir John.And from thence, over the narrow seas on horse-back.
Mood.'Tis so, I discern it now; but some shall smoke for it. Stay a little, Anthony, I'll be with you presently.[ExitMood.
Warn.That wicked old man is gone for no good, I'm afraid; would I were fairly quit of him.[Aside.
Mill. aside.] Tell me no more of Sir Martin, Rose; he wants natural sense, to talk after this rate: but for this Warner, I am strangely taken with him; how handsomely he brought him off!
EnterMoody,with two cudgels.
Mood.Among half a score tough cudgels I had in my chamber, I have made choice of these two, as best able to hold out.
Mill.Alas! poor Warner must be beaten now, for all his wit; would I could bear it for him!
Warn.But to what end is all this preparation, sir?
Mood.In the first place, for your worship, and in the next, for this East-India apostle, that will needs be my son Anthony.
Warn.Why, d'ye think he is not?
Mood.No, thou wicked accomplice in his designs, I know he is not.
Warn.Who, I his accomplice? I beseech you, sir, what is it to me, if he should prove a counterfeit? I assure you he has cozened me in the first place.
Sir John.That's likely, i'faith, cozen his own servant!
Warn.As I hope for mercy, sir, I am an utter stranger to him; he took me up but yesterday, and told me the story, word for word, as he told it you.
Sir Mart.What will become of us two now? I trust to the rogue's wit to bring me off.
Mood.If thou wouldst have me believe thee, take one of these two cudgels, and help me to lay it on soundly.
Warn.With all my heart.
Mood.Out, you cheat, you hypocrite, you impostor! Do you come hither to cozen an honest man?[Beats him.
Sir Mart.Hold, hold, sir!
Warn.Do you come hither, with a lye, to get a father, Mr Anthony of East India?
Sir Mart.Hold, you inhuman butcher!
Warn.I'll teach you to counterfeit again, sir.
Sir Mart.The rogue will murder me.[Exit SirMart.
Mood.A fair riddance of 'em both: Let's in and laugh at 'em.[Exeunt.
Enter again SirMartinandWarner.
Sir Mart.Was there ever such an affront put upon a man, to be beaten by his servant?
Warn.After my hearty salutations upon your backside, sir, may a man have leave to ask you, what news from the Mogul's country?
Sir Mart.I wonder where thou hadst the impudence to move such a question to me, knowing how thou hast used me.
Warn.Now, sir, you may see what comes of your indiscretion and stupidity: I always give you warning of it; but, for this time, I am content to pass it without more words, partly, because I have alreadycorrected you, though not so much as you deserve.
Sir Mart.Do'st thou think to carry it off at this rate, after such an injury?
Warn.You may thank yourself for't; nay, 'twas very well I found out that way, otherwise I had been suspected as your accomplice.
Sir Mart.But you laid it on with such a vengeance, as if you were beating of a stock-fish.
Warn.To confess the truth on't, you had angered me, and I was willing to evaporate my choler; if you will pass it by so, I may chance to help you to your mistress: No more words of this business, I advise you, but go home and grease your back.
Sir Mart.In fine, I must suffer it at his hands: for if my shoulders had not paid for this fault, my purse must have sweat blood for't: The rogue has got such a hank upon me——
Warn.So, so! here's another of our vessels come in, after the storm that parted us.
EnterRose.
What comfort, Rose? no harbour near?
Rose.My lady, as you may well imagine, is most extremely incensed against Sir Martin; but she applauds your ingenuity to the skies. I'll say no more, but thereby hangs a tale.
Sir Mart.I am considering with myself about a plot, to bring all about again.
Rose.Yet again plotting! if you have such a mind to't, I know no way so proper for you, as to turn poet to Pugenello.
Warn.Hark! is not that music in your house?[Music plays.
Rose.Yes, Sir John has given my mistress the fiddles, and our old man is as jocund yonder, and does so hug himself, to think how he has been revenged upon you!
Warn.Why, he does not know 'twas me, I hope?
Rose.'Tis all one for that.
Sir Mart.I have such a plot!—I care not, I will speak, an I were to be hanged for't. Shall I speak, dear Warner? let me now; it does so wamble within me, just like a clyster, i'faith la, and I can keep it no longer, for my heart.
Warn.Well, I am indulgent to you; out with it boldly, in the name of nonsense.
Sir Mart.We two will put on vizards, and with the help of my landlord, who shall be of the party, go a mumming there, and by some device of dancing, get my mistress away, unsuspected by them all.
Rose.What if this should hit now, when all your projects have failed, Warner?
Warn.Would I were hanged, if it be not somewhat probable: Nay, now I consider better on't—exceedingly probable; it must take, 'tis not in nature to be avoided.
Sir Mart.O must it so, sir! and who may you thank for't?
Warn.Now am I so mad he should be the author of this device! How the devil, sir, came you to stumble on't?
Sir Mart.Why should not my brains be as fruitful as yours, or any man's?
Warn.This is so good, it shall not be your plot, sir; either disown it, or I will proceed no further.
Sir Mart.I would not lose the credit of my plot, to gain my mistress: The plot's a good one, and I'll justify it upon any ground in England; an you will not work upon't, it shall be done without you.
Rose.I think the knight has reason.
Warn.Well, I'll order it however to the best advantage: Hark you, Rose.[Whispers.
Sir Mart.If it miscarry by your ordering, take notice, 'tis your fault; 'tis well invented, I'll take my oath on't.
Rose.I must into them, for fear I should be suspected; but I'll acquaint my lord, my old lady, and all the rest, who ought to know it, with your design.
Warn.We'll be with you in a twinkling: You and I, Rose, are to follow our leaders, and be paired to night.——
Rose.To have, and to hold, are dreadful words, Warner; but, for your sake, I'll venture on 'em.[Exeunt.
Enter Lord, LadyDupe,andChristian.
L. Dupe.Nay! good my lord, be patient.
Lord.Does he think to give fiddles and treatments in a house, where he has wronged a lady? I'll never suffer it.
L. Dupe.But upon what ground will you raise your quarrel?
Lord.A very just one,—as I am her kinsman.
L. Dupe.He does not know yet why he was to be arrested; try that way again.
Lord.I'll hear of nothing but revenge.
EnterRose.
Rose.Yes, pray hear me one word, my lord; Sir Martin himself has made a plot.
Chr.That's like to be a good one.
Rose.A fool's plot may be as lucky as a fool's handsel; 'tis a very likely one, and requires nothing for your part, but to get a parson in the next room; we'll find work for him.
L. Dupe.That shall be done immediately; Christian, make haste, and send for Mr Ball, the non-conformist; tell him, here are two or three angels to be earned.
Chr.And two or three possets to be eaten: May I not put in that, madam?
L. Dupe.Surely you may.[ExitChr.
Rose.Then for the rest—'tis only this—Oh! they are here! pray take it in a whisper: My lady knows of it already.
EnterMoody,SirJohn,and MrsMillisent.
Mill.Strike up again, fiddle, I'll have a French dance.
Sir John.Let's have the brawls.
Mood.No, good sir John, no quarrelling among friends.
L. Dupe.Your company is like to be increased, sir; some neighbours, that heard your fiddles, are come a mumming to you.
Mood.Let them come in, and we'll be jovy; an I had but my hobby-horse at home——
Sir John.What, are they men, or women?
L. Dupe.I believe some 'prentices broke loose.
Mill.Rose, go, and fetch me down two Indian gowns and vizard-masks——you and I will disguise too, and be as good a mummery to them, as they to us.[ExitRose.
Mood.That will be most rare.
Enter SirMartin Mar-all, Warner,Landlord, disguised like a Tony.
Mood.O here they come! Gentlemen maskers, you are welcome—[Warnersigns to the music for a dance.] He signs for a dance, I believe; you are welcome. Mr Music, strike up; I'll make one, as old as I am.
Sir John.And I'll not be out.[Dance.
Lord.Gentlemen maskers, you have had your frolic, the next turn is mine; bring two flute-glasses and some stools, ho! we'll have the ladies' healths.
Sir John.But why stools, my lord?
Lord.That you shall see: the humour is, that two men at a time are hoisted up: when they are above, they name their ladies, and the rest of the company dance about them while they drink: This they call the frolic of the altitudes.
Mood.Some highlander's invention, I'll warrant it.
Lord.Gentlemen-maskers, you shall begin.[They hoist SirMart.andWarn.
Sir John.They point to Mrs Millisent and Mrs Christian,A Lou's touche! touche![While they drink, the company dances and sings: They are taken down.
Mood.A rare toping health this: Come, Sir John, now you and I will be in our altitudes.
Sir John.What new device is this, trow?
Mood.I know not what to make on't.[When they are up, the company dancesabout them: They dance off. Tony dances a jigg.
Sir John.Pray, Mr Fool, where's the rest of your company? I would fain see 'em again.[To Tony.
Land.Come down, and tell them so, Cudden.
Sir John.I'll be hanged if there be not some plot in it, and this fool is set here to spin out the time.
Mood.Like enough! undone! undone! my daughter's gone! let me down, sirrah.
Land.Yes, Cudden.
Sir John.My mistress is gone, let me down first.
Land.This is the quickest way, Cudden.[He offers to pull down the stools.
Sir John.Hold! hold! or thou wilt break my neck.
Land.An you will not come down, you may stay there, Cudden.[Exit Landlord, dancing.
Mood.O scanderbag villains!
Sir John.Is there no getting down?
Mood.All this was long of you, Sir Jack.
Sir John.'Twas long of yourself, to invite them hither.
Mood.O you young coxcomb, to be drawn in thus!
Sir John.You old Scot you, to be caught so sillily!
Mood.Come but an inch nearer, and I'll so claw thee.
Sir John.I hope I shall reach to thee.
Mood.An 'twere not for thy wooden breast-work there——
Sir John.I hope to push thee down from Babylon.
Enter Lord, LadyDupe,SirMartin, Warner, Rose, Millisentveiled, and Landlord.