My Prose is resolute, as Beuis sworde:March rampant beast in formidable hide:Supererogation Squire on cockhorse ride:Zeale shapes an aunswer to the blouddiest worde.If nothing canthe booted Souldiourtame,Nor Ryme, nor Prose, nor Honesty, nor Shame,ButSwashwill still his trompery aduaunce,Il'e leade thegagtooth'd foppa new-founde daunce.Deare howers were euer cheape to pidling me:I knew a glorious, and brauing Knight,That would be deem'd a truculentall wight:Of him I scrauld a dowty Comedy.Sir Bombarducciowas his cruell name:ButGnasharducciothe sole brute ofFame.
My Prose is resolute, as Beuis sworde:March rampant beast in formidable hide:Supererogation Squire on cockhorse ride:Zeale shapes an aunswer to the blouddiest worde.If nothing canthe booted Souldiourtame,Nor Ryme, nor Prose, nor Honesty, nor Shame,ButSwashwill still his trompery aduaunce,Il'e leade thegagtooth'd foppa new-founde daunce.Deare howers were euer cheape to pidling me:I knew a glorious, and brauing Knight,That would be deem'd a truculentall wight:Of him I scrauld a dowty Comedy.Sir Bombarducciowas his cruell name:ButGnasharducciothe sole brute ofFame.
L'Enuoy.
See, how He brayes, and fumes at me poore lasse,That must immortalise the killcoweAsse. /
See, how He brayes, and fumes at me poore lasse,That must immortalise the killcoweAsse. /
To the Right Worshipfvll, his especiall deare frend, M. Gabriell Haruey, Doctour of Lawe.
Sweet M. Doctour Haruey (for I cannot intitule you with an Epithite of lesse value then that which the Grecian and Roman Oratours ascribed to Theophrastus, in respect of so many your excellent labours, garnished with the garland of matchlesse Oratory): if at any time either the most earnest persuasion of a deare frend, and vnusually most deare, and constant, adiured therevnto by the singular vertue of your most prayse-worthy, and vnmatchable wit: or the woonderful admiration of your peerlesse conceit, embraued with so many gorgeous ornamentes of diuine Rhetorique:or the doubtlesse successive benefit thereof, deuoted to the glory of our English Eloquence, and our vulgar Tuscanisme (if I may so terme it); may worke any plausible or respectiue motions with you to bewtifie, and enrich our age, with those most praise-moouing workes, full of gallantest discourse, and reason, which I vnderstand by some assured intelligence be now glowing vpon the anvile, ready to receiue the right artificiall forme of diuinest workemāship: thē let I beseech you, nay, by all our mutuall frendships I coniure you (loue and admiration of them arming me with the placarde of farther confidence) those, and other your incomparable writings, speedily, or rather pre/sently, shew thēselues in the shining light of the Sunne. That, by this Publication of so rare, & rich Discourses, our English Rauens, the spitefull enemyes to all birdes of more bewtifull wing, and more harmonious note then themselues, may shroude themselues in their nests of basest obscurity, & keepe hospitality with battes, and owles, fit consorts for such vile carions. Good Sir, arise, and confound those Viperous Cryticall monsters, and those prophane Atheistes of our Commonwealth; which endeuour with their mutinous and Serpentine hissing, like geese, not to arme the Senatours and Oratours of Rome, but to daunt, astonish, and, if it were possible, to ouerthrow them. And sithence the very thunder-lightning of your admirable Eloquence is sufficiētly auailable tostrike them with a lame Palsie of tongue (if they be not already smitten with a sencelesse Apoplexy in head, which may easely ensewe such contagious Catharres and Reumes, as I am priuy some of them haue been grieuously disseased withall), misse not, but hitt them seurly home, as they deserue with Supererogation. You haue bene reputed euermore, since first I heard of you in Oxford and elsewhere, to haue bene as much giuen to fauour, commende, and frequent such as were approoued, or toward in learning, witt, kinde behauiour, or any good quality, as may be required in any man of your demerit: an vndoubted signe, how much you loath Inuectiues or any needeles contētions. I would (as many your affectionate frēds would) it had bene your fortune to haue encountred some other Paranymphes, then such as you are now to discipline: most vnwillingly, I perceiue, but most necessarily, & not without especiall consideration, being so manifestly vrged, and grosely prouoked to defend yourselfe. But you haue ere now bene acquainted / with patience perforce: and I hope the most desperate swasher of them will one day learne to shew himself honester or wiser. And thus recommending your sweete endeuours, with your grauer studies, to the highest treasury of heauenly Muses; I right hartely take my leaue with a Sonnet of that Muse, that honoreth the Vrany of du Bartas, and yourselfe: of du Bartas elsewhere; here of him,whose excellent Pages of the French King, the Scottish King, the braue Monsieur de la Nöe, the aforesayd Lord du Bartas, Sir Philip Sidney, and sundry other worthy personages, deserue immortall commendation. I thanke him very hartely that imparted vnto me those fewe sheetes: and if all be like them, truly all is passing notable, and right singular.
SONNET.
Those learnedOratours, Roomes auncient sages,Persuasions Pith, directours of affection,The mindes chief counsail, rhetoriques perfection,The pleasaunt baulms of peace, warres fierce outrages:Sweet GrecianProphets, whose smooth Muse assuagesThe Furies powerfull wrath, poisons infection:Philosophers(by Causes due connexion,Match't with th' Effects of Nature) future agesEmbrauing with rich documents of Art: /The wisestStates-menof calme Commonweales:The learnedGenerall Councels, which impartDiuinest laws, whose wholesome Physique HealesBoth Church, and Layety: All inonebeholdeEnnobled Arts, as Precious stones in golde.
Those learnedOratours, Roomes auncient sages,Persuasions Pith, directours of affection,The mindes chief counsail, rhetoriques perfection,The pleasaunt baulms of peace, warres fierce outrages:Sweet GrecianProphets, whose smooth Muse assuagesThe Furies powerfull wrath, poisons infection:Philosophers(by Causes due connexion,Match't with th' Effects of Nature) future agesEmbrauing with rich documents of Art: /The wisestStates-menof calme Commonweales:The learnedGenerall Councels, which impartDiuinest laws, whose wholesome Physique HealesBoth Church, and Layety: All inonebeholdeEnnobled Arts, as Precious stones in golde.
From my lodging in Holborne: this of June. 1593. Your most affectionate,
Barnabé Barnes.
Hauing perused my former Sonet, if it may please you, Sir, to do asmuch for your deare frendsParthenophill, andParthenophe, they shall haue the desiredfruite of their short exercise, and will rest beholding to your curteous acceptance: which they would be glad to reacquite in the loouingest manner they may. And so most affectionatly recommend themselues vnto your good self: whose vnblemished fame they will euermore maintaine with the best bloud of their hartes, tongues, and Pennes. We will not say, how much we long to see the whole Prayses of your two notorious enemyes, theAsseand theFoxe.
Sonet.
Nash,or the confuting Gentleman.
The Muses scorne; the Courtiers laughing-stock;The Countreys Coxecombe; Printers proper new;The Citties Leprosie; the Pandars stew;Vertues disdayne; honesties aduerse rock;Enuies vile champion; slaunders stumblingblock.Graund / Oratour of Cunny-catchers crew;Base broaching tapster of reports vntrue;Our moderne Viper, and our Countryes mock;True Valors Cancer-worme, sweet Learnings rust.Where shall I finde meete colours, and fit wordes,For such a counterfaict, and worthlesse matter?Him, whom thou raylest on at thine owne lust,SithBodineand sweetSidneydid not flatter,His Inuectiue thee too much grace affordes.Parthenophil.
The Muses scorne; the Courtiers laughing-stock;The Countreys Coxecombe; Printers proper new;The Citties Leprosie; the Pandars stew;Vertues disdayne; honesties aduerse rock;Enuies vile champion; slaunders stumblingblock.Graund / Oratour of Cunny-catchers crew;Base broaching tapster of reports vntrue;Our moderne Viper, and our Countryes mock;True Valors Cancer-worme, sweet Learnings rust.Where shall I finde meete colours, and fit wordes,For such a counterfaict, and worthlesse matter?Him, whom thou raylest on at thine owne lust,SithBodineand sweetSidneydid not flatter,His Inuectiue thee too much grace affordes.
Parthenophil.
Sonet.
Haruey,or the sweet Doctour.
Sidney, sweet Cignet, pride of Thamesis;Apollos laurell; Mars-his proud prowesse:Bodine, register of Realmes happinesse,Which Italyes, and Fraunces wonder is:Hatcher, with silence whom I may not misse:NorLewen, Rhetoriques richest noblesse:NorWilson, whose discretion did redresseOur English Barbarisme: adioyne to thisDiuinest morallSpencer: let these speakeBy their sweet Letters, which do best vnfouldHarueysdeserued praise: since my Muse weakeCannot relate somuch as hath bene touldBy theseFornam'd: then, vaine as it were to bringNew feather to his Fames swift-feathered wing.Parthenophe.
Sidney, sweet Cignet, pride of Thamesis;Apollos laurell; Mars-his proud prowesse:Bodine, register of Realmes happinesse,Which Italyes, and Fraunces wonder is:Hatcher, with silence whom I may not misse:NorLewen, Rhetoriques richest noblesse:NorWilson, whose discretion did redresseOur English Barbarisme: adioyne to thisDiuinest morallSpencer: let these speakeBy their sweet Letters, which do best vnfouldHarueysdeserued praise: since my Muse weakeCannot relate somuch as hath bene touldBy theseFornam'd: then, vaine as it were to bringNew feather to his Fames swift-feathered wing.
Parthenophe.
The Printers Aduertissement to the Gentleman Reader.
CurteousGentlemen, it seemed good to M. Doctour Haruey, for breuity-sake, and because he liked not ouer-long Preambles, or Postambles, to short discourses, to omit the commendatorie Letters, and Sonnets of M. Thorius, M. Chewt, and diuers other his affectionate frendes of London, and both the Vniuersities. Which neuerthelesse, are reserued to be prefixed, inserted, or annexed, either in hisdefensiue Letters, enlarged with certaine new Epistles of more speciall note; or in hisDiscourses of Nashes S. Fame,already finished, & presently to be published, as these shall like their interteinement: of whose fauorable & plausible Welcome, diuers learned and fine wittes haue presumed the best. Howbeit finally it was thought not amisse, vpon conference with some his aduised acquaintance, to make choice of some two or three of the reasonablest, and temperatest Sonnets (but for variety, & to auoyde tediousnesse in the entrance, rather to be annexed in the end, then prefixed in the beginning of the present Discourses): one of the foresayd M. Thorius, an other of M. Chewt, and the third of a learned French gentleman, Monsieur Fregeuill Gautius, who hath published some weighty Treatises, aswell Politique as Religious, both in Latin and French; and hath acquainted M. Doctour Haruey with certaine most profitable Mathematicall deuises of his own inuention. The residue is not added by me, but annexed by the Autor himselfe: whom I humbly recommende to your curteous Censure, and so rest from ouertroubling you with my unpolished lines.
A Wonderfullstrange and miraculous, Astro-logicall Prognostication forthis yeer of our Lord God.1591.Discouering such wonders tohappen this yeere, as neuer chauncedsince Noes floud.Wherein if there be found one lye,the Author will loose his creditfor euer.By Adam Fouleweather, Studentin Asse-tronomy.Imprinted at London byThomasScarlet.(1591.)
To the Readers health.
SittingGentlemen vpon Douer cliffes, to quaint my selfe with the art of Navigation, and knowe the course of the Tides, as the Danske Crowes gather on the Sandes against a storme: so there appeared on the downs such a flock of knaues, that, by Astrological coniectures, I began to gather that this yeere would proue intemperate by an extreme heat in Sōmer, insomuch that the stones in Cheap side should be so hot, that diuers persons should feare to goe from Poules to the Counter in the Poultrye: whereupon I betook me to my Ephimerides, and erecting a figure, haue found such strange accidents to fall out this yeere, Mercury being Lord and predominate in the house of Fortune, that many fooles shall haue full cofers, and wise men walke vp and downe with empty pursses: that if Iupiter were not ioyned with him in a fauourable aspect, the Butchers / of East-cheape should doo little or nothing all Lent but make prickes: seeing therefore the wonders that are like to fall out this present yeere, I haue for the benefit of my Countrymen taken in hand to makethis Prognostication, discoursing breefelye of the Eclipses both of Sunne and Moone, with their dangerous effectes like to followe, which if God preuent not, many poore men are like to fast on Sondaies for want of food, and such as haue no shooes to goe barefoot, if certaine deuout Coblers proue not the more curteous: but yet Astrologie is not so certaine but it may fayle: and therfore diuers Hostesses shall chaulke more this yeere then their Guests wil wipe out: So that I conclude, whatsoeuer is saide by art.Sapiens dominabitur astris.
Your freend and Student in Asse-trologie.
Adam Fouleweather./
Of the Eclipses that shall happen this present yeere, to the great and fearfull terrifying of the beholders.
Ifwe may creditthe authenticall censures of Albumazan and Ptolomey, about the motions of celestiall bodies, whose influence dooth exitat and procure continuall mutability in the lower region: we shal finde ytthe Moon this yeere shall be eclipsed, which shall happen in one of ye12 moneths, & some of the foure / quarters of the yeere, whose pointes as they shall be totallye darkened, so the effectes shall be wondrous and strange. For Cancer being the sole house of the Moone, dooth presage that thisyeere fruits shall be greatly eaten with Catterpillers: as Brokers, Farmers, and Flatterers, which feeding on the sweate of other mens browes, shall greatlye hinder the beautye of the spring, and disparage the growth of all hottest hearbes, vnlesse some northerly winde of Gods vengāce cleere the trees of such Catterpillers, with a hotte plague and the pestilence: but Cancer being a watrie signe and cheefe gouernour of flouds and streams, it foresheweth that Fishmongers if they be not well lookt to, shall goe downe as farre as Graues end in Wherries and forestall the market, to the great preiudice of the poore, that all Lent ground their fare on the benefit of Salte fishe and red herring: besides it signifieth that Brewers shal make hauocke of Theames water, and put more liquour then they were accustomed amongst their Maulte: to the ouerthrowe of certain crased Ale knights, whose morning draughtes of strong Beere is a great staye to their stomacks: a lamentable case if it be not lookt into and preuented by some speedye supplication to the woorshipfull order of ale cunners. / But in this we haue great hope that because the effects cannot surprise the cause, diuers Tapsters shall trust out more then they can get in: and although they fill their Pots but halfe full, yet for want of true dealing die in the Brewers debt.
Thus much for the watry signe of Cancer, and because this Eclipse is little visible in our horison, Ipasse it ouer with this prouiso to all seafaring men, to cary more shirts then one with them a ship boord, lest to their great labor they spend many houres in murthering their vermin on the hatches.
The Eclipse of the Sunne.
TheEclipse of the Sun according to Proclus opinion is like to produce many hot and pestilent infirmities, especiallie amongst Sumners and Petti-foggers, whose faces being combust with many fiery inflamatiues shall shew yedearth, that by their deuout drinking is like to ensue of Barly, if violent death take not away such cōsuming mault worms: diuers are like to be troubled with such hotte rewmes in their heads, that their haire shall fall off: and such hot agues shall raigne this yeere, with strange feuers and calamaties, that / if the Sunne were not placed in a colde signe, Renish wine would rise to ten pence a quarte before the latter end of August: but diuers good Planets being retrog[r]ade, foretelleth that Lemmans this yeere shalbe plenty, insomuch that many shall vse them to bedward, for the quallifying of their hot and inflamed stomackes. And Mars being placed neere vnto the Sunne sheweth that there shalbe a great death among people: olde women that can liue no longer shall dye for age: and yong men that haue Vsurers to their father, shal this yeer hauegreat cause to laugh, for the Deuill hath made a decree, that after they are once in hell, they shall neuer rise againe to trouble their executors: Beside that by all coniecturall argumentes the influence of Mars shall be so violent, that diuers souldiers in partes beyond the seas, shall fall out for want of their paye, and heere in our meridionall clyme, great quarrelles shall be raised between man and man, especially in cases of Law: gentry shall goe check-mate with Iustice, and coyne out countenance oft-times equitie: the poore sitting on pennylesse benche, shall sell their Coates to striue for a strawe, and Lawyers laugh such fooles to scorne as cannot keep their crownes in their pursses.
Further, there is like to be great falling out amongst / Church men and certaine fond sects of religion like to trouble the commons: selfe conceipters and ouer holy counterfeites that delight in singularitie, shall rise vp and despise authoritie, presuming euen to abuse the higher powers, if Saturne with a frowning influence, did not threaten them with Tibornes consequence. But whereas the Sun is darkned but by digits, and that vpon yesouth points, it presageth great miseries to Spain and those Southerly Countries: Friers and Monks shal heat them so this yeer with confessing of Harlots, that their crownes shall wax balde of the one accord, to the great impouerishing of the Spanish Barbers: Surgeons inSpain shall wax rich, and their Hospitals poore: such a pestilent mortallitie is like to fall amongst those hipocriticall massemongers. The Dukes, Marquesses & Counties shall haue their dublets closed with such Spanish buttons, that they shal neuer proue good quiresters, for the hotte and inflamed rewmes fallen down into their throats: It is further to be feared, that because the Eclipse hapneth in Iulye, there will through the extrem heat grow such abundāce of Fleas, that women shall not goe to bed before twelue a clocke at night, for the great murthers and stratagems they are like to commit vpon those little animalls.
And whereas this Eclipse falleth out at three of the clocke in the afternoone, it foresheweth that manye shall goe soberer into Tauernes then they shall come out: and that he which drinkes hard and lyes cold, shal neuer dye of the sweate, although Gemini combust and retrog[r]ade, sheweth that some shall haue so sore a sweating, that they may sell their haire by the pound to stuffe Tennice balles: but if the Beadelles of Bridewell be carefull this Summer, it may be hoped that Peticote lane may be lesse pestered with ill aires then it was woont: and the houses there so cleere clensed, that honest women may dwell there without any dread of the whip and the carte: and I finde that the altitude of that place and of Shordich are all one eleuated, and 2 degrees,and vnder the zenith or verticall point of Venus, which presageth that sundry sorts of men and women shall be there resident: some shalbe so short heeld & so quesie stomackt that they shal ly in their beds while noon, by which means they shal grow so ful of grosse humors, that they shalbe troubled with strange timpanies & swellings in their bellies, vncurable for fortye weekes vntill they be helped by the aduice of some skilfull Midwife.
Besides, other of the same sex and faction, / shall learn to cosin young nouices, and fetch in young Gentlemen, to the great ouerthrow of youth, if some sharpe and speedye redresse be not fetcht from the woorshipfull Colledge of the Phisitians in the parrish of S. Brides. But heere by the waye gentle Reader, note that this Eclipse sheweth, that this yeer shall be some strange birthes of Children produced in some monstrous forme, to the greefe of the Parentes, and fearefull spectackle of the beholders: but because the Eclipse chaunseth Southerlye, it is little to be feared that the effectes shall fail in England: yet somewhat it is to bee doubted, that diuers Children shall be borne, that when they come to age shall not knowe their owne Fathers: others shall haue their fingers of [t]he nature of Lyme twigges, to get most parte of their liuing with fiue and a reache: some shall be born with feet like vnto Hares, that they shal run so swift, that they shall neuer tarry withmaister, but trudge from poste to piller, till they take vp beggars bush for their lodging: Others shall haue Noses like Swine, that there shall not be a feast within a myle, but they shall smell it out: But especiallye it is to be doubted, that diuers women this yeere shall bee borne with two tungs, to the terrible greefe of such as shall marry them, vttering / in their furye such rough cast eloquence, that knaue and slaue shalbe but holyday woords to their husbands. And whereas this fearefull Eclipse dooth continue but an houre and a halfe, it signifieth that this yeere womens loue to their husbands shall be very shorte, some so momentarye, that it shall scarce continue from the Church doore to the wedding house: and that Hennes, Capons, Geese, and other pullin shall little haunt poore mens tables, but flye awaye with spittes in their bellies to fatte Churlles houses, that pamper themselues vp with delicates and dainties: although very fewe other effectes are to be prognosticated, yet let me giue this caueat to my Countrymen, as a clause to this wonderfull Eclipse. Let such as haue clothes enow, keep themselues warme from taking of colde: and I would wishe rich men all this winter to sit by a good fire, and hardlye to goe to bed without a Cuppe of Sack, and that so qualified with Suger, that they proue not rewmatick: let them feede daintilye and take ease enough, and no doubt according to the iudgement of Albumazar,they are like to liue as long as they can, and not to dye one hower before their time.
Thus much for this strange Eclipse of the Sunne.
Of / the second Eclipse of the Moone, which is like to fall out when it chaunseth either before the31.of December or els not at all, this present yeere.1591.
The second Eclipse of the Moon shalbe but little seene in England, wherevpon the effectes shall be nothing preiuditiall to our clyme: yet as the bodye of the Moone is neuer obscure in part or in whole, but some dangerous euents doo followe: so I meane to set downe breefely what is to be lookte for in these westerne partes of the worlde.
First therefore it is to bee feared, that the Danes shall this yeere bee greatly giuen to drincke, insomuch that English Beere shall there be woorth fiue pence a stoape, that their Hoffes and tappe houses shall be more frequented then the Parishe Churches, and many shall haue more Spruce Beere in their bellies, then wit in their heads: wherevpon shall / growe Apoplexies and colde palsies in their legges, that they shall diuers times not bee able to stand on their feete. Vpon this shall growe great commoditye to the Potters and Glasse makers, for it is like there shall be a great ouerthrowe of them, if there bee not some act made for drinking in blacke Jackes.But if the weather prooue seasonable, and the Haruest great, and the Barnes full of Corne: Rye is like to be cheap in Denmarke, and bread to be of a reasonable size, for the releeuing of the poore. Mar[r]y, Fraunce is like to haue a great dearth of honest men, if the king preuaile not against these mutenous Rebelles of the League, and Papists in diuers places to be plentye, if God or the King rout them not out with a sharpe ouerthrow: But this hope we haue against that rascall rabble of those shauelings, that there was found in an olde booke this Prophecie spoken about Jerusalem long since by a Jew: The tree that God hath not planted shall be pulled vp by the roots: some curious Astronomers of late dayes that are more Propheticall than Juditiall, affirme that Martin the kill-hog for his deuout drincking (by the Pope canonized a Saint) shall rise againe in the apparell of a Minister, and tickle some of the baser sorte with such lusty humors in their braines, that / diuers selfe conceited fooles shal become his disciples, and grounding their witlesse opinion on an heriticall foundation, shall seeke to ruinate authoritie, and peruert all good orders established in the Church, to the great preiudice of vnity and religion, tituling thēselues by the names of Martinistes, as the Donatists grew from Donates: were it not that the Moone being in Taurus, which gouernes the neck and throat, shewes that the Squinancie shall raigne amongst them, anddiuers for want of breath dye of the strangling. Now for that Capricornus is a signe wherein Luna is often resident, it prognosticateth a great death amongst hornde beasts. The Butchers shall commit wilfull murther vpon Sheepe and Oxen, and diuers Keepers kill store of Buckes, and reserue no other fees to their selues but the hornes, insomuche that if the Person of Horne-Church in Essex take not heede, there maye hap to prooue this yeere some Cuckoldes in his Parrish.
But there is like to bee concluded by an act set downe in Grauesende Barge, that hee that wypes his Nose and hath it not, shall forfeite his whole face, and that all such as are iealous ouer their wiues without cause, are worthie to bee punisht with / the horne plague for their labour. And whereas this Eclipse is farre from the signe Pisces, it shewes that there shall bee much stinking fish this yere at Billings gate, and that Quinborowe oyster boates shall ofte times carrie knaues as wel as honest men: but let the Fish-wiues take heed, for if most of them proue not scoldes, yet because Pisces is a signe that gouernes the feete, they shall weare out more shooes in Lent then in anie two months beside through the whole yeere, and get their liuing by walking and crying, because they slaundered Ram alley with such a tragical infamie. The rest I conceale as friuolous, and little necessarie to be touched in this Prognostication.
A declaration of the generall disposition of sundrie conceited qualities incident vnto mens mindes & natures throughout these foure quarters of the yere, by the merrie influence of the Planets, with some other tragicall euents and obseruations worthie the noting, contayned vnder each seperated reuolution.
And first of the inclination of the Winter quarter.
Winter / the first Astronomicall quarter of the yeare, according to my vsuall account, whatsoever Ptolomie says, beginneth sooner with poore men than with rich, graunted so by the malignant influence of Saturne, whose constellation is that suche as haue no money nor credit, shall want coles & woode, and be faine to stand and starue for colde, while olde pennifathers sit and wast them selues by the fire. The winter beginning at that instant when the Sunne makes his entraunce into the first degree of Capricornus, that Hiemall solstitiall signe shewes that by naturall inclination this quarter is generally fleugmatike, and that all shall be of suche great authoritie, that the Bakers Basket shall giue the wall vnto the Brewers Barrell, and a halfe pennye drie doe homage vnto a halfe pennye wet. The weather and season being so colde that diuerse for feare of the frost shall sit all daye at Tables and Cardes, while their poore wiues and families fast at home for their follies. And in respect that I finde three of the seauenPlanetes to be in waterie signes as Juppiter, Mars, and the Moone, it signifieth that diuerse persons, both men and women, for want of wine or strong drinke shall goe to bedde sober against their willes. That Sea-faring men shall haue ill lucke if / either their shippes hit agaynst rockes or sticke in the sandes, that there shall bee such great hoarie frostes, that men and women shall creepe to bedde together, and some of them lie so long till they bee fetchte out with a Bason. Heere Saturne retrograde in Gemini, shewes that there shall this Winter fall such great fogs and mists, that diuerse riche men shall loose their purses by the high waie side, and poore men be so weather beaten by the crafte of vsurers, that they shall begge their bread by the extremitie of such extortion: but Mercurie and Venus beeing congregated in Sagitarie, prognosticateth that for want of faire weather, such as haue but one shirt shall go woolward till that be a washing, and that water-men that want fares shall sit and blowe their fingers till theyr fellowes row betwixte the Old Swanne and Westminister. And by reason that Mars that malignant Planet, hath nothing to doe in that Hiemall reuolution, souldiers this Winter for the most parte, shall lie still in garrisons, and shall not be troubled with more monie than is necessarie. Beeing also greatly to bee feared, that through the extreame colde diuerse poore men shall die at riche mennes doores:pittie shall bee exiled, good woorkes trust ouer the sea with Jacke / a lent and Hospitalitie banisht as a signe of popish religion: and were it not that some moist shoures shal moderate the hardnes of the frost, Charitie should for want of house roome lie and freeze to death in the streets: diuerse great stormes are this yere to be feared, especially in houses where the wiues weare the breeches, with such lowde windes, that the women shall scolde their husbandes quight out of doores, wherevpon is like to fall great haile-stones as bigge as ioynd stooles, that some shall haue their heads broken: and all through the froward disposition of Venus. But Mars comes in and playes the man, who beeing placed in Gemini, that gouerns armes and shoulders, presageth that sundrie tall fellowes shall take heart at grasse, who armed with good cudgels, shall so lambeake these stubborne huswiues, that the wind shall turne into another quarter, and so the weather waxe more calme and quiet. Such greate floudes are like to insue, through this Hiemall distemperature, that diuerse men shall be drowned on drie hilles, and fishe if they could not swimme, were vtterly like to perish. Eeles are like to bee deere if there bee few or none taken, and plentie of poutes to bee had in all places, especiallie in those coastes and Countries where weomen haue / not their owne willes. Nowe Gentle Reader in respect of diuerse particular circumstances,drawne from the daily motions, progressions, stations, retrogradations, aspects, and other appointmentes of fixed and wandring stars, I am induced to set downe that such as haue no fire, shall feele most cold, and that wierdrawers, if they plye not their worke, shall feele no great heate, that they in Russia shall suffer more preiudice by the sharpenesse of Winter than the Spaniards: and yet one thing is to bee hoped for at the handes of Mercurie, that this winter mony shall haue a fall, for Philip and Mary shillings that heretofore went for 12d. shall now passe from man to man for 6d. a peece.
The distemperance of this quarter, is like to breede many sicknesses and sundrie diseases as well in young as in old, proceeding either of corrupt and vicious bloud or of superabundance of crude and raw fleugmatike humors. As Cephala[l]gies or paines in the head, which shall make men dizzy that some shal stagger & stumble vp & downe the streetes till they haue stolne a nappe to quiet their braines. Ach in the shoulders shal raine amongest diuerse women that haue shrewes to their husbands, and diuerse drunken men shall be pestured with surfets. Maidens this winter shall haue strange stitches & gripings / of the collicke, which diseases proceed by too much lying vpright: and men shall be troubled with such paine in the eies, that they shall not know their owne wiues from other women, with coughs, rumes, and itchings, which I omit.
Of the Spring time.
Winter being finished with the last grade of the watry signe Pisces, at the Suns ioyful progresse into the first degree of Aries. The second quarter of our vsuall yere commonly called the spring cōmeth next, which beginneth when grasse begins to sproute, & trees to bud. But to treat of this present season, forasmuch as I find the planets to be contradictorily disposed, in signs & mansiōs of diuerse & repugnant qualities, I gather that this spring will be very il for schollers, for they shal studie much and gain litle, they shal haue more wit in their heads then money in their purses, dunces shal proue more welthie then diuers doctors, insomuch that sundrie vnlettered fooles should creep into the ministerie, if the prouident care of good Bishops did not preuent thē. And by the opinion of Proclus, women are like to grow wilful, & so variable, that they shall laugh & weepe, and all with a winde: Butchers shal sell / their meate as deare as they can, and if they be not carefull, horne beastes shall bee hurtfull vnto them, and some shall bee so wedded to swines flesh, that they shall neuer be without a sowe in their house as long as they liue. This spring, or vernall resolution being naturally hot and moist, is like to be verie forwarde for sprouting fieldes and blooming trees, and because Saturne is in his proper mansion, oldemen are like to bee froward, and craftie knaues shall neede no Brokers, vsurie shalbe called good husbandrie, and men shalbe counted honest by their wealth, not by their vertues. And because Aquarius has somthing to do wt this quarter, it is to be doubted that diuers springs of water will rise vp in vintners sellers, to the great weakning of their Gascon wine, & the vtter ruine of the ancient order of the redde noses. March Beere shalbe more esteemed than small Ale.
Out of the old stocke of heresie, this spring it is to be feared, will bloome new scismaticall opinions and strange sects, as Brownists, Barowists, & such balductum deuises, to the great hinderance of the vnitie of the Church, & confusion of the true faith, if the learned doctor sir T. Tiburne be not taskte to confute such vpstart companions, with his plain & dunstable philosophie. Cancer is bu/sie in this springtide, and therefore it is like that florishing bloomes of yong gentlemens youth, shalbe greatly anoide with caterpillers, who shall intangle them in such statutes & recognances, that they shall crie out against brokers, as Jeremy did against false prophets. Besides, thogh this last winter nipt vp diuers masterles men & cut purses, yet this spring is like to afford one euery tearme this ten yere in Westminster hall: Barbers if they haue no worke are like to grow poore, and for that Mercury iscōbust and many quarelles like to growe amongst men, lawiers shall proue rich & weare side gowns and large consciences, hauing theyr mouths open to call for fees, and theyr purses shut when they shoulde bestowe almes. But take heed O you generation of wicked Ostlers, that steale haie in the night from gentlemens horses, and rub their teth with tallow, that they may eate little when they stand at liuery, this I prognosticate against you, that this spring, which so euer of you dies, shall leaue a knaues carcasse in the graue behind him, and that they which liue shall hop a harlot in his clothes all the yere after. But aboue all let me not hide this secret from my countrymen, that Jupiter being in aspect with Luna, discouereth that diuers men shal drinke more thē they bleed, & / Tailers shall steale nothing but what is brought vnto them, that poulters shall bee pestered with rotten egs, & Butchers dogs make libels against Lent, that affoordes no foode but herring cobs for their diet.
Diseases incident to this quarter, as by Astrologicall & philosophicall coniectures I can gather, are these following: Prentises that haue ben fore beaten, shall be troubled with ach in their armes, and it shall be ill for such as haue fore eies, to looke against the Sun. The plague shall raigne mortally amongst poore men, that diuerse of them shal not be able to change a man a groate. Olde womenthat haue taken great colde, may perhaps be trobled with the cough, and such as haue paine in their teeth, shall bee grieuouslie troubled with the tooth ach. Beside, sicke folke shall haue worse stomackes then they which be whole, and men that cannot sleepe, shall take verie little rest: with other accidentall infirmities, which I doe ouerpasse.
A declaration of the disposition and inclination of the Summer quarter.
When the Sunne hath made his course through the vernal signs, Aries, Taurus & Gemini at his passage vnto the solsticiall estiuall signe Cancer. The third parte of an English yeere called Summer, taketh his beginning this yere: as Ptolomie sayth, the twelfth of Iune, but as my skill doth coniecture, it beginneth when the wether waxeth so hot that beggers scorne barnes and lie in the field for heate, and the wormes of Saint Pancredge Church build their bowers vnder the shadow of Colman hedge. The predominant qualities of this quarter is heate and drynesse, whereby I doe gather, that through the influence of Cancer, bottle Ale shall be in great authoritie, and wheat shall doe knightes seruice vnto malte. Tapsters this quarter shall be in greater credite than Coblers, and many shall drinke more then they can yearne. And yet because Mercurie isa signe that is nowe predominant, women shall be more troubled with fleas then men, and such as want meate shall goe supperlesse to bedde. Besides, this quarter great hurlie burlies are like to bee feared, and greate stratagems like to bee performed, thorough the opposition of Mars and Saturne: for Butchers are like to make great hauocke amongest flies, and beggers on Sunne shine dayes to commit great murthers vpon their rebellious vermine, and the knights of Coppersmiths hap to / doo great deedes of armes vpon Cuppes, Cannes, pots, glasses, and black iacks: not ceasing the skirmish til they are able to stand on their legges.
Further it is to bee doubted, that because Venus is in the house of Loue, that Millers, Weauers, and Taylors shall be counted as theeuishe as they are knauishe: and Maides this quarter shall make sillyebubbes for their Louers, till some of them Calue with the Cowe for companye. But Iupiter in his exaltation presageth that diuers young Gentlemen shall creepe further into the Mercers Booke in a Moneth then they can get out in a yere: and that sundry fellowes in their silkes shall be appointed to keep Duke Humfrye company in Poules, because they know not wher to get their dinner abroad: if there be great plenty of Cherries this Summer, they are like to come to a penny the pound, and Costard-mongers this Summer shall be licenst by the Wardensof their hall, to weare and carry baskets of Apples on their heads to keepe them from the heat of the Sun. But Libra adust and retrograde, foretelleth that there is like to be a league between diuers bakers & the pillorye, for making their bread so light, and the Sun shall be so hotte, that it shall melt awaye the consciences of diuers couetous men, and that / by the meanes of Venus which is in the house of Scorpion, women shall bee so loue sicke, that Sumners and ciuil lawiers shall haue great fees thorough the aboundance of such sinfull clients, and diuerse spirites in white sheetes shall stand in Poules and other Churches, to make their confessions. But this by the waie learne of me, shomakers shall proue so proud that they shall refuse the name of souters, and the Tailer and the louse are like to fall at martiall variance, were it not the worshipfull company of the Botchers haue set downe this order, that he that lies in his bed while his clothes be mending, neede not haue a man to keepe his wardroppe. But amongst all, the Smithes haue put vp a supplication to the Alecunners, that he which goes dronke to bed, and as soone as hee wakes dares not carouse a hartie draught the next morning, shall drinke two daies together small Ale for his penance.
This variable season is like to bring variable accidents, for diuerse diseases which will much molest the people, namely the plurisies which shallgrieue many, that they shall haue farre more knauerie than they haue honestie, diuerse fluxes, and especiallie in poore mens purses, for they shall bee so laxatiue, that money shall runne out faster than / they can get it. The small pockes among children and great amongst men, infirmities in the tong, some shall doe nothing but lie with others, which I let pas.
A declaration of the inclination and disposition of the Autumnall or haruest quarter.
Haruest and the last quarter of this yeere beginneth, as I coniecture, when corne is ripe. But for the nature of this autumnall reuolution, because it beginneth in Libra, I gather there shall be more holes open this quarter then in all the yeere beside, and strange euents shall chance, for knaues shall weare smockes, and women shall haue holes in their heartes, that as fast as loue creepes in at one, it shall runne out at another. Yet Leo being a firie signe, foresheweth that diuerse men shall haue their teeth longer then their beards, and some shal be so Sun burnt with sitting in the Alehouse, that their noses shall bee able to light a candle. Others shall for want of money paune their clokes, and march mannerly in theyr doublet and their hose. And some shall this yere haue barnes and yet want corn to put in them. Rie this yeere shall bee commonin / England, and knaues shall be licenst to sel it by the pound, and he that wil not this quarter spend a pennie with his friende, by the counsayle of Albumazar, shall bee thrust quite out of all good companie for his labour.
It may be doubted that some straunge sicknesse and vnknowen diseases wil happen, as hollownesse of the heart, that a man shall not know a knaue from an honest man, and vncouth consumptions of the lyuer, that diuerse men of good wealth shall by their kinde hearts spend all and die banquerouts: some shal be troubled with diseases in the throate, which cannot bee helpte without Bull the hang man plaie the skilfull Chyrurgion. Amongest the rest, many that haue faire wiues shalbe troubled with greate swelling in the browes, a disease as incurable as the goute. Some shall bee troubled with the stone, and seeke to cunning women to cure them of that disease, an infirmitie easilie amended, and the doctors of Bridewell did not punish such women Phisitians by a Statute. But the greatest disease that is to bee feared, is the Cataphalusie, that is to saie, good fellowes this yeere for want of money shall oft times be contented to part companie.
And / thus (gentle reader) thou hast my prognostication, gathered by arte, and confirmed by experience, and therefore take it in good worth, forQuod gratis grate, and so farewell.
(The Gull's Hornbookis an almost famous work, and has, I believe, been cheaply reprinted in separate form of late years. It cannot, however, be too well known, for it is excellent in itself, and though undoubtedly paraphrased from theGrobianusof Dedekind, is so adjusted to English contemporary manners as to be practically original.)
THE GVLSHorne-booke:Stultorum plena sunt omnia.Al Sauio meza parola,Basta.By T. Deckar.Labore et Constantia.Imprinted at London for R. S. 1609.
Whomcan I choose (my most worthieMecæn-asses) to be Patrons to this labour of mine fitter thē yourselues? Your hands are euer open, your purses neuer shut. So that you stand not in theCommonRancke ofDry-fisted Patrons, (who giue nothing) for you giue all. Schollers, therefore, are as much beholden to you, as Vintners, Players, and Puncks are. Those three trades gaine by you more then Vsurers do by thirty in the hundred: You spend the wines of the one, you make suppers for the other, and change your Gold into White money with the third. Who is more liberall then you? who (but only Cittizens) are more free? Blame me not therefore, if I pick you out from the bunch ofBooke-takers, to consecrate these fruits of my braine (which shall neuer die) onely to you. I know that most of you (O admirableGuls!) can neither write nor reade. AHorne-bookehaue I inuented, because I would haue you well schooled.Powlesis yourWalke; but this your Guid: if it lead you right, thanke me: if astray, men will beare with your errors, because you areGuls.Farewell.
T. D.
To the Reader.
GentleReader, I could willingly be content that thou shouldest neither be at cost to buy this booke, nor at the labour to reade it. It is not my ambition to bee a man in Print, thus euery Tearm; Ad prælum, tanquàm ad prælium;Wee should come to the Presse as we come to the Field (seldome). This Tree ofGulswas planted long since, but not taking roote, could neuer beare till now. It hath a relish ofGrobianisme,and tastes very strongly of it in the beginning: the reason thereof is, that, hauing translated many Bookes of that into English Verse, and not greatly liking the Subiect, I altred the Shape, and of a Dutchman fashioned a meere Englishman. It is a Table wherein are drawne sundry Pictures: the cullors are fresh; if they be well laid on, I think my workmanship well bestowed: if ill, so much the better, because I draw the pictures onely ofGuls.
T. D. /
THE GULS HORN-BOOKE:ORFashions to please all sorts of Guls.
Proœmium.
I sing (like the cuckooe in June) to bee laught at: if therefore I make a scuruy noise, and that my tunes sound vnmusically (the Ditty being altogether lame in respect of the bad feete, and vnhansome in regard of the worme-eaten fashion) you that haue authority vnder the broad seale of mouldy custom, to be called thegentle Audience, set your goodly great hands to my pardon: or else, because I scorne to be vpbraided that I professe to instruct others in an Art, whereof I my selfe am ignorant, Doe your worst: chuse whether you will let my notes haue you by the eares, or no: hisse or giue plaudities, I care not a nut-shell which of either: you can neither shake ourComick Theaterwith your stinking breath of hisses, nor raise it with the thunder-claps of your hands: vp it goes,in dispetto del fato. Ye motley is bought, and acoat with foure elbowes (for any one that will weare it) is put to making, in defiance of the seuen wise maisters: for I haue smelt out of the musty sheetes of an olde Almanacke, that (at one time or other) euen he that iets vpon the neatest and sprucest leather, euen he that talkes allAdageandApothegme, euen he that will not haue a wrinckle in his new Sattein suit, though his mind be vglier then his face, and his face so illfauouredly made, that he lookes at all times as if a tooth-drawer were fumbling about his gommes with a / thousand lameHeteroclitesmore, that cozen the world with a guilt spur and a ruffled boote; will be all glad to fit themselues inWill Sommerhis wardrob, and be driuen (like a Flemish Hoy in foule weather) to slip into our Schoole, and take out a lesson. Tush,Cœlum petimus stultitiâ, all that are chosen Constables for their wit go not to heauen.
A fig therefore for the new-found Colledge ofCriticks. You Courtiers, that do nothing but sing thegamuth-a-reof complemental courtesie, and at the rusticall behauiour of our Countrie Muse, will screw forth worse faces then those which God and the Painter has bestowed vpon you, I defie your perfumd scorne: and vow to poyson your Muske cats, if their ciuet excrement doe but once play with my nose. Youordinary Gulles, that through a poore and silly ambition to be thought you inherit thereuenues of extraordinary wit, will spend your shallow censure vpon the most elaborate Poeme so lauishly, that all the painted table-men about you, take you to be heires apparent to richMidasse, that had more skill inalchimythenKellywith the Phylosophers stone; (for all that he could lay his fingers on, turned into beaten gold) dry Tobacco with my leaues (you good dry brainedpolipragmonists) till your pipe offices smoake with your pittifully stinking girds shot out against me. I coniure you (as you come of the rightgoose-caps) staine not your house; but when at a new play you take vp the twelue-penny roome next the stage; (because the Lords and you may seeme to be haile fellow wel-met) there draw forth this booke, read alowd, laugh alowd, and play theAntickes, that all the garlike mouthd stinkards may cry out,Away with the fool. As for thee, Zoylus, goe hang thy selfe: and for theeMomus, chew nothing but hemlock, and spit nothing but the sirrup ofAloesvpon my papers, till thy very rotten lungs come forth for anger. I am Snake-proofe: and, though, withHanniball, you bring whole hogs-heads of vinegar-railings, it is impossible for you to quench or come ouer myAlpine-resolution: I will faile boldly and desperately alongst the shore of ye Ile ofGuls; and in defiance of those terrible blockhouses, their loggerheads, make a true discouery of their wild (yet habitable) Country.
Sound an Allarum therefore (O thou my couragious Muse) and, like a Dutch cryer, make proclamation with thy Drum: the effect of thine O-yesbeing, That if any man, woman or child, be he Lord, be he Lowne, be he Courtier, be he Carter of ye Innes of Court, or Innes of Citty, that, hating from the bottome of his heart, all good manners and generous education, is really in loue, or rather doates on that excellent country lady,Innocent Simplicity, being the first, fairest, and chiefest Chamber-maide that our greatgrandame Eueentertained into seruice: Or if any person aforesaid, longing to make a voyage in the Ship of Fooles, would venture all the wit that his mother left him, to liue in the country ofGuls,cockneyes, andcoxcombs; to the intent that, haūtingtheaters, he may sit there, like a popiniay, onely to learne play-speeches, which afterward may furnish ye necessity of his bare knowledge, to maintaine table talke, or else, beatingtauernes, desires to take theBacchanaliandegrees, and to write himselfein arte bibendi magister; that at ordinaries would sit like Biasse, and in the streets walk like a braggart, that on foote longs to goe like a French Lacque, and on horsebacke rides like an English Tailor, or that from seuen yeares and vpward, till his dying day, has a monethes mind to haue yeGuls Hornebookeby hearte; by which in time he may be promoted to serue any Lord inEurope, as his crafty foole, or hisbawdy Jester, yea and to be so deere to his Lordship, as for the excellency of his fooling, to be admitted both to ride in Coach with him, and to lie at his very feete on a truckle-bed. Let all such (and I hope the world has not left her olde fashions, but there are ten thousand such) repaire hither. Neuer knocke (you that striue to be Ninny-hammer), but with your feete spurne open the doore, and enter into our Schoole: you shall not neede to buy bookes, no, scorne to distinguish a B from a battle doore; onely looke that your eares be long enough to reach ourRudiments, and you are made for euer. It is by heart that I would haue you con my lessons, and therefore be sure to haue most deuouring stomaches. Nor be you terrified with an opinion, that ourrulesbe hard and indigestible, or that you shall neuer be goodGraduatesin these rare sciences ofBarbarisme, and Idiotisme. Oh fie, vppon any man that carries that vngodly minde! Tush, tush;Tarleton,Kemp, norSinger, nor all the litter of Fooles that now come drawling behinde them, neuer played the clownes more naturally then the arrantest Sot of you all shall if hee will but boyle my Instructions in his braine-pan.
And lest I my selfe, like somepedantical Vicarstammering out a most false and crackt latine oration to maisterMaiorof the towne and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliueries; by whichmeanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcockes then when you came to me: O thou venerable father of antient (and therefore hoary) customes,Syluanus, I inuoke thy assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and to shew the most beastly horse-trickes: O do thou, or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke, goat-footedFauni, inspire me with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunsticall world woare euen out at elbowes; draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then liuing, that by their patterns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkerdBacchus, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for reeling), teach me (you soueraigne skinker) how to take theGermanies vpsy freeze, the DanishRowsa, the Switzers stoap ofRhenish, theItalians Parmizant, the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfecans, Gloues, Frolicks, and flapdragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tospots, as when to cast, when to quarrell, when to fight, and where to sleepe: hide not a drop of thy moist mystery from me (thou plumpest swil-bowle), but (like an honest red-nosed wine-bibber) lay open all thy secrets, and ye mysticalHieroglyphickofRashersa' th' coales,Modicumsandshooing-hornes,and why they were inuented, for what occupations, and whento be vsed. Thirdly (because I will haue more then two strings to my bow)Comus, thou Clarke ofGluttonieskitchen, doe thou also bid me proface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the generall rules ofEpicuresandCormorants. Fatten thou my braines, that I may feede others, and teach them both how to squat downe to their meat, and how to munch so like Loobies, that the wisestSolonin the world, shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thee, thou beggerly Monarche ofIndians, and setter-vp of rotten-lungd chimneysweepers (Tobacco), I beg it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted heire, that, inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I may / distribute them amongst all nations, and make the phantastickEnglishmen(aboue the rest) more cunning in the distinction of thyRowle Trinidado,Leafe, andPudding, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore in allAsia. After thy pipe, shal ten thousands be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discouer to me the sweetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of spawling, slauering, spetting and driueling in all places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will I charme out, in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths, which are easily purchased at thy hands, if I can but get thee to trauell through my nose. All the foh's in the fairest Ladies mouth, that euer kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence: for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a good-fellow) to be drunke for company, with Water-men, Carmen, and Colliers; whereas before, and so still, Knights and wise Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last of all, thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolmistres of fooles and wiseacres, thou homely (but harmelesse)Rusticity, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spirit into our ganders quill; crowne me thy Poet, not with a garland of Bayes (Oh no! the number of those that stealelawretis too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my browes with those unhansome boughes, which, (likeAutumsrotten haire), hang dangling ouer thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe me (thou midwife of vnmannerlinesse) to be deliuered of thisEmbryonthat lies tumbling in my braine: direct me in this hard and dangerous voyage, that being safely arriued on the desired shore, I may build up Altars to thyVnmatcheable Rudeness; the excellency whereof I know will be so great, thatGrout-nowlesandMoameswill in swarmes fly buzzing about thee. SoHerculeana labour is this, that I vndertake, that I am enforced to ball out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast ofFooles, vnto which I solemnely inuite all the world; for at it shall sit not only those whomFortunefauours, but euen those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yetbecause your artificiall fooles beare away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.
CHAPTER I
The old world, & the new weighed together: the Tailors of those times, and these compared: the apparell, and dyet of our first fathers.
Good cloathes are the embrodred trappings of pride, and good cheere the veryeringo-rooteof gluttony: so that fine backes, and fat bellyes are Coach-horses to two of the seuen deadly sins: In the bootes of which Coach,LecheryandSlothsit like the waiting-maide. In a most desperate state therefore doe Taylors, and Cookes stand, by meanes of their offices: for both those trades are Apple-squires to that couple of sinnes. The one inuents more phantasticke fashions, then Fraunce hath worne since her first stone was laid; the other more lickerishepycureandishes, then were euer serud vp toGalloniustable. Did man (thinke you) come wrangling into the world, about no better matters, then all his lifetime to make priuy searches in Burchin lane for Whalebone doublets, or for pies ofNightingaletongues inHeliogabalushis kitchin? No, no, the first suit of apparell, that euer mortall man put on, came neither from the Mercersshop nor the Merchants warehouse:Adamsbill would haue beene taken then, sooner then a Knights bond now; yet was hee great in no bodies bookes for satten and veluets: the silkwormes had something else to do in those dayes, then to set vp loomes, and be free of the weauers: his breeches were not so much worth as K.Stephens, that cost but a poore noble: forAdamsholyday hose and doublet were of no better stuffe then plaine fig-leaues, andEuesbest gowne of the same peece: there went but a paire of sheeres betweene them. AnAntiquaryin this towne, has yet some of the powder of those leaues dryed to shew. Taylors then were none of the twelue Companies: their Hall, that now is larger then some Dorpes among theNetherlands, was then no bigger then a Dutch Butchers shop: they durst not strike downe their customers with large billes:Adamcared not an apple-paring for all their lousy hems. There was then neither theSpanishslop, nor the Skippers galligaskin: theSwitzersblistred Cod-piece, nor theDanishsleeue sagging / down like a Welch wallet, theItaliansclose strosser, nor the French standing coller: your trebble-quadrupleDædalianruffes, nor your stiffeneckedrebatoes(that haue more arches for pride to row vnder, then can stand vnder fiue London Bridges) durst not then set themselues out in print: for the patent for starch could by no meanes be signd. Fashions then was counted a disease, andhorses dyed of it: But now (thankes to folly) it is held the onely rare phisicke, and the purest golden Asses liue vpon it.
As for the dyet of thatSaturnianage, it was like their attire, homely: A sallad, and a messe of leeke porridge, was a dinner for a farre greater man then euer theTurkewas: Potato-pies, and Custards, stood like the sinfull suburbs of Cookery, and had not a wall (so much as a handfull hie) built rownd about them. There were no daggers then, nor no Chayres.Crookeshis ordinary, in those parsimonious dayes, had not a Capons-leg to throw at a dog. Oh golden world, the suspiciousVeneciancarued not his meate with a siluer pitch-forke, neither did the sweet-toothd Englishman shift a dozen of trenchers at one meale. Peirs ploughman layd the cloth, and Simplicity brought in the voyder. How wonderfully is the world altered? and no maruell, for it has lyein sicke almost fiue thousand yeares: So that it is no more like the oldTheater du munde, than oldParisgarden is like the Kings garden atParis.
What an excellent workeman therefore were he that could cast the Globe of it into a new mould: And not to make it look likeMullineuxhis Globe, with a round face sleekt and washt ouer with whites of egges; but to haue itin Plano, as it was at first, with all the ancient circles, lines, paralels, and figures, representing indeede, all the wrinckles, crackes,creuises and flawes that (like the Mole onHattenscheek, beingos amoris,) stuck vpon it at the first creation, and made it looke most louely; but now those furrowes are filled vp with Ceruse, and Vermilion; yet all will not doe, it appeares more vgly. Come, come, it would be but a bald world, but that it weares a periwig. The body of it is fowle (like a birding-peece) by being too much heated: the breath of it stinks like the mouthes of Chambermaides by feeding on so many sweat meats. And, though to purge it wil be a sorer labour then the clensing / ofAugeaesstable, or the scowring of Mooreditch: yet,Ille ego, qui quondam; I am thePasquille madcap, that will doot.
Draw neere therefore, all you that loue to walke vpon single and simple soules, and that wish to keepe company with none but Innocents, andΚαρηχομὁωτες the sonnes of ciuill Citizens, out with your tables, and naile your eares (as it were to the pillary) to themusiqueof our instructions: nor let ye titleGullery, fright you frō schoole: for marke what an excellent ladder you are to clime by. How many worthy, and men of famous memory (for their learning of all offices, from the scauenger and so vpward) haue flourished in London of ye ancient familie of yeWiseacres, being now no better esteemd then fooles and yonger brothers? This geare must be lookt into, lest in time (O lamentable time, when that houre-glasse is turned vp) a richmans sonne shall no sooner peepe out of the shell of his minority but he shall straightwaies be begd for a concealement, or set vpon (as it were, by free-booters) and tane in his owne purse-nets by fencers and cony-catchers. To driue which pestilent infection from the heart, heeres a medicine more potent, and more precious, than was euer that mingle-mangle of drugs whichMithrydatesboyld together. Feare not to tast it: a cawdle will not goe downe halfe so smoothly as this will: you neede not call the honest name of it in question, for Antiquity puts off his cap, and makes a bare oration in praise of the vertues of it: theReceipthath beene subscribed vnto, by all those that haue had to doe withSimples, with this moth-eatenMotto, Probatum est: yourDiacatholicon aureum, that with gun-powder brings threaten[ing]s to blow vp all diseases that come in his way, and smels worse thenAssafætidain respect of this. You therefore whose bodyes, either ouerflowing with the corrupt humours of this ages phantasticknesse, or else being burnt vp with the inflāmation of vpstart fashions, would faine be purgd: and to shew that you truly loath this polluted and mangy-fisted world, turne Timonists, not caring either for men or their maners. Doe you pledge me, spare not to take a deepe draught of our homely councel. The cup is full, and so large, that I boldly drinke a health vnto all commers. /
CHAPTER II
How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the charges of taking physicke; with other rules for the morning, the praise of Sleepe, and of going naked.
How a young Gallant shall not onely keepe his clothes (which many of them can hardly doe for Brokers) but also saue the charges of taking physicke; with other rules for the morning, the praise of Sleepe, and of going naked.
You haue heard all this while nothing but thePrologue, and seene no more but a dumbe shew: Ourvetus Comædiasteps out now. The fittest stage vpon which you (that study to be an Actor there) are first to present your selfe is (in my approued judgement) the softest and largest Downe-bed: from whence (if you will but take sound councell of your pillow) you shall neuer rise, till you heare it ring noone at least. Sleep, in the name ofMorpheus, your bellyfull, or (rather) sleepe till you heare your belly grombles and waxeth empty. Care not for those coorse painted cloath rimes, made by ye Uniuersity ofSalerne, that come ouer you, with