TONSORIAL WIT.
An eccentric barber opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared “Shave for a penny,” with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:
“Here lives Jemmy Wright,Shaves as well as any man in England—almost—not quite.”
“Here lives Jemmy Wright,Shaves as well as any man in England—almost—not quite.”
“Here lives Jemmy Wright,Shaves as well as any man in England—almost—not quite.”
“Here lives Jemmy Wright,
Shaves as well as any man in England—almost—not quite.”
Foote (who loved any thing eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, he pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through a paper pane into the shop, called out “Is Jemmy Wright at home?” The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, “No, sir, he has just popt out.” Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.
FORCE AND PLIABILITY OF CONSCIENCE.
A tailor, who was dangerously ill, had a remarkabledream. He saw, fluttering in the air, a piece of cloth of prodigious length, composed of all the cabbage he had made, of a variety of colours. The Angel of Death held this piece of patchwork in one of his hands, and with the other gave the tailor several strokes with a piece of iron. The tailor, awakening in a fright, made a vow, that, if he recovered, he would cabbage no more. He soon recovered. As he was diffident in himself, he ordered one of his apprentices to put him in mind of his dream whenever he cut out a suit of clothes. The tailor was for some time obedient to the intimations given him by his apprentice; but a nobleman having sent for him to make a coat out of a very rich stuff, his virtue could not resist the temptation. His apprentice put him in mind of his dream, but to no purpose. “I am tired with your talk about the dream,” says the tailor; “there was nothing like this in the whole piece of patchwork I saw in my dream.”
DISABILITY FROM STAMMERING.
A soldier, about to be sent on an expedition, said to the officer directing the drafts, “Sir, I cannot go, because I—I—stutter.” “Stutter!” says the officer, “you don’t go to talk, but to fight.” “Ay, but they’ll p-p-put me on g-g-guard, and a man may go ha-ha-half a mile before I can say, Wh-wh-who goes there?” “Oh, that is no objection, for there will be another sentry placed along with you, and he can challenge if you can fire.” “Well, b-b-but I may be taken and run through the g-g-guts before I can cry Qu-qu-quarter!”
KINDNESS OF A CARPENTER.
A carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet(which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last that he had erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge came to the circuit he was sent for. “Fellow (said the judge, in a stern tone), how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account?” “I humbly beg your pardon,” said the carpenter, “had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.”
ONE AT A TIME, GENTLEMEN.
One Sunday evening, when the weather was extremely hot, the windows of a parish church in the diocese of Gloucester were set open to admit more air, while the congregation was assembled for divine service. Just as the clergyman was beginning his weekly discourse (who, by the by, was not much celebrated for his oratorical powers), a jack-ass, which had been grazing in the church-yard, popped his head in at the window, and began braying with all his might, as if in opposition to the reverend preacher. On this a wag present immediately got up from his seat, and with great gravity of countenance exclaimed,—“One at a time, gentlemen, if you please!” The whole congregation set up a loud laugh, when the jack-ass took fright, and gave up the contest, though, from the clergyman’s chagrin and confusion, he would probably not have been the worst orator.
WINE SHARPENS THE WIT.
A gentleman went to see his son at Westminster school, under the great Dr. Busby. When they were in discourse, over a bottle of wine, the doctor sent for the boy. “Come,” says he, “young man, as yourfather is here, take a glass of wine;” and quoted this Latin sentence,—Paucum vini acuit ingenium(a little wine sharpens the wit.) The lad replied, “Sed plus vini, plus ingenii!” (the more wine, the more wit!) “Hold, young man,” replied the doctor, “though you argue on mathematical principles, you shall have but one glass!”
WEST INDIAN AND NEGRO.
A West Indian, who had a remarkablyfiery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, a negro boy, who was in waiting, observed a mosquito hovering round his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively; at last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and immediately fly off. “Ah,” exclaimed the negro, “me d—n glad see you burn your foot!”
AN OUTLINE.
When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London for the purpose of negotiating a peace, Charles Townshend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, “He did not know, but they had sent the outline of an ambassador.”
BACON.
A malefactor of the name of Hogg, under sentence of death, petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve, claiming a relationship. His lordship said, he could not possibly bebacontill he had first beenhung.
DR. BENTLEY.
When the great Bentley, afterwards so distinguished, was examined for deacon’s orders, he expected that the bishop would himself examine him; and his displeasureat what he considered neglect he vented in such answers as the following:—
This is said to have been enough to satisfy the chaplain, who took the rhymer to the bishop.
STRIKING LIKENESS.
Some years ago, a then itinerant portrait painter, whose reputation has since risen much above the point it at that time occupied, being employed to delineate the features of a musician of some eminence, who had taken up his temporary quarters at a watering place, the son of harmony was dissatisfied with the resemblance, and expressed his disapprobation rather strongly. “Who is that like, my dear?” asked the mortified artist of a fine little boy, the eldest hope of his employer. “Papa!” said the child. “So it is, my darling. You see, sir, your son is a better judge of a likeness than yourself. And where is it like papa, my dear?” “It’s very like papaabout the fiddle!” was the answer. It is unnecessary to add, that no more questions were asked of the juvenile connoisseur.
ENDS OF JUSTICE.
It is strange to observe how blind the common people are, in general, to the ends of public justice. They seem to have almost all taken their notions on this subject from the Judaic law, which awarded life for life, and one article to be substituted for another;and punishment is by them rather looked upon as a revenge to gratify the offended person, or his manes, than as preventative of future crimes. In Scotland, for instance, if a man is to be hanged for stealing the sheep, or breaking the shop, of another, the aggrieved individual is sometimes found to express what he will perhaps consider a graceful regret for the fate of the culprit, as if it were only to avenge his petty quarrel, and not to vindicate the cause of offended justice, that the law was to take its course. This was well reproved, on one occasion, by Justice Burnet. A fellow, whom that judge was about to condemn for horse-stealing, said it surely was a hard thing to be hanged for stealing a horse. “You are not to be hanged, friend,” replied the Justice, “for stealing a horse, but that horses may not be stolen.”
LORD BOLINGBROKE.
The famous Lord Bolingbroke, being at Aix-la-chapelle, during the treaty of peace at that place (at which time his attainder was taken off), was asked by an impertinent Frenchman, whether he came there in any public character. “No, sir,” replied his Lordship, “I come like a French minister, with no character at all.”
WHAT’S IN A NAME.
In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, “What a name for a soldier!” “The fittest name in the world,” rejoined a witty female; “forsilknever can beworsted!”
GREAT ENCOURAGEMENT.
A gentleman about to join his regiment, stationedin the West Indies, was making some anxious inquiries of a brother officer, who had returned, after serving several years in that climate, concerning the best means of preserving health; to which the other replied, “During our passage out, many serious discussions took place about the mode of living best calculated to preserve health in a climate, with the fatal effects of which on European constitutions every one is so well acquainted. Some determined to be temperate, and drink nothing but water; others, not to deviate from their usual manner of living. Not to interrupt each other’s plans, we agreed to separate into two distinct messes, which, from their different modes of living, very soon obtained the distinctive appellations of the sober and the drunken club.” “Well,” said the other gentleman, with some anxiety, “and what was the result?” “Why, truly, not very satisfactory: we buried all the members of the sober club in the course of a few months, and I am the only survivor of the drunken.”
SIR GEORGE ROOKE.
The famous Sir George Rooke, when he was a captain of marines, was quartered at a village where he buried a good many of his men. At length, the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment any more, unless he was paid for it; which being told to Captain Rooke, he ordered six of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay him upon the parson’s table. This so embarrassed the priest, that he sent the captain word, “If he would fetch the man away, he would bury him and all his company for nothing.”
NEW READING IN HORACE.
Sir Robert Walpole, at the close of his administration, was sitting one evening with some intimate friends, to whom he was complaining of the vanities and vexations of office, adding, from the second epistle of the second book of Horace,
“Lusisti satis, edisti, atque bibisti;Tempus abire tibi est.”
“Lusisti satis, edisti, atque bibisti;Tempus abire tibi est.”
“Lusisti satis, edisti, atque bibisti;Tempus abire tibi est.”
“Lusisti satis, edisti, atque bibisti;
Tempus abire tibi est.”
“Pray, Sir Robert,” says one of his friends, “is that good Latin?” “Why, I think so—what objections have you to it?” “Why,” says the other drily, “I did not know but that the word might bebribe-isti inyour Horace.”
PUNNING COMPETITION.
George IV., when Prince of Wales, and Charles Fox, one day enjoying a ride in the neighbourhood of Brighton, laid bets which of them should make theworstpun on the first subjects they met. Immediately after, meeting a man carrying a deadhareover his shoulder, Fox (who was to make the first essay of his wit) accosted him thus: “Friend, is that your ownhare, or awig?” Riding a little farther on, they came up with two men, one of whom held a snuff-box in his hand. “So, friend,” said the Prince, “I see you are a snuffer.” “Yes, sir,” replied the man. “And areyoua snuffer also?” says he to the other man. “I am, please your honour.” “Well, then, you are apair of snuffers.” Fox gained the bet.
NAVAL PUN.
A gentleman inquiring of a naval officer why sailors generally take off their shirts on going into action, wasanswered, that “they were unwilling to have anycheckto fighting.”
FALSE REPORT.
A gentleman meeting an old friend, whom he had not seen for a long time, congratulated him on lately coming to the possession of a large landed estate. “There was such a report,” replied the other; “but, if you will believe me, it was quitegroundless.”
DIVERTING VAGABOND.
Mossop, the player, always spoke in heroics. A cobbler in Dublin, who once brought home his boots, refused to leave them without the money. Mossop came in whilst he was disputing, and, looking sternly, exclaimed, “Tell me, are you the noted cobbler I have often heard of?” “Yes,” says the fellow, “and I think you the diverting vagabond I have often seen.”
PLURALITIES.
When George I. landed at Greenwich, the inhabitants, after discussing the subject, of what was the highest honour they could confer upon the newly arrived sovereign, determined upon electing him churchwarden, which was accordingly done. A dispute, however, afterwards took place in the vestry, as to whether he who was elected to serve the office of king could serve the office of churchwarden at the same time.
LORD BARRYMORE.
One evening Lord Barrymore made a remark, which transported Anthony Pasquin so much, that he vociferated for writing materials to note it down. The former called him to order, and asked what he wanted? “Ink—ink—ink, my lord!” he replied, striking hishand on the table. “Do you?” said his lordship; “wash your hands, and then you’ll get a quart.”
RECIPE FOR COOKING BEEF-STEAKS.
Two gentlemen, remarkable for a nice appetite, were disputing at a coffee-house upon the best mode of cooking a beef-steak, and were enumerating the different processes for bringing it to the table in the highest perfection. Mr. Wewitzer, of Drury-Lane Theatre, who was present, observed, that “of all the methods of cooking a beef-steak, he thought Shakespeare’s recipe to be the shortest and the best.” Upon being asked for an explanation, “Why, gentlemen,” said Wewitzer,
“If, when ’twere done, ’twerewell done,Then ’twere well it weredone quickly.”
“If, when ’twere done, ’twerewell done,Then ’twere well it weredone quickly.”
“If, when ’twere done, ’twerewell done,Then ’twere well it weredone quickly.”
“If, when ’twere done, ’twerewell done,
Then ’twere well it weredone quickly.”
WHAT DO YOU WAIT FOR?
An officer, who had lost an eye, supplied it with a glass one, which he always took out when he went to bed. Being in an inn, he took out his eye, and gave it to the wench who attended, desiring her to lay it on the table. The maid still waiting, and staring, he asked her, “What do you wait for?” “Only for the other eye, sir,” said she.
LIKE THE MINISTRY.
Lord North, exulting over Charles Fox, on the news, in an extraordinary gazette, of New York being conquered, the patriotic wit replied, “It is a mistake, sir; New York is not conquered; it is only like the ministry,abandoned!”
BON MOT OF A CLOWN, RELATED BY LORD SHAFTESBURY.
A clown once took a fancy to hear the Latin disputesof doctors at a university. He was asked what pleasure he could take in viewing such combatants, when he could never know so much as which of the parties had the better. “For that matter,” replied the clown, “I a’n’t such a fool neither, but I can see who’s the first that puts t’other in a passion.”
READY MONEY LEGACY.
An English stock-jobber, known for his unexampled parsimony, although possessed of an immense fortune, one day met a poor man, one of his own relations. “Come hither, George,” said the miser, “do you know I have just now made my will, and remembered you handsomely, my boy.” “God bless your honour,” said the grateful man, “you will be rewarded for so charitable an action, for you could not have thought of a more distressed family.” “Are you indeed so very poor, George?” “Sir, my family’s starving!” said the man, almost crying. “Harkye, then, George, if you will allow me a gooddiscount, I will pay your legacy immediately.” We need not add, that the terms were accepted of, and that they parted equally pleased with the bargain they had concluded.
A BONNE BOUCHE.
An elderly lady, on a visit at Margate, went into the market, having made up her mind to buy a goose. There were but two in the market, both in custody of a little cherry-cheek’d lass from Birchington, who, to the surprise of her customer, positively refused to sell one without the other. Recollecting that a neighbour had also expressed a wish for one, the lady was, without much difficulty, prevailed on to take both.When the bargain was concluded, however, she thought proper to inquire of the vender, why she had so peremptorily declined selling them separately? “If you please, my lady,” was thenaïveanswer, “Mother said as how the geese had lived togetherfifteen years, and it would be cruel to part them.”
EQUITY.
A gentleman, resident at Harrow, made frequent complaints to the masters of the great school there, of his garden being stripped of its fruit, even before it became ripe—but to no purpose. Tired of applying to the masters for redress, he at length appealed to the boys, and, sending for one to his house, he said, “Now, my good fellow, I’ll make this agreement with you and your companions: let the fruit remain on the trees till it becomes ripe, and I promise to give you half.” The boy coolly replied, “I can say nothing to the proposition, sir, myself, but will make it known to the rest of the boys, and inform you of their decision to-morrow.” To-morrow came, and brought with it this reply: “The gentlemen of Harrow cannot agree to receive sounequala share, since Mr. —— is an individual, and we are many.”
RESULT OF A QUARREL.
A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived almost out of breath, and snatching the book out of the curate’s hand, with great scorn, cried, “Youthe resurrection?Iam the resurrection:” and then went on.
WELSH GENEALOGIES.
Sir Watkins William Wynne, talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom. “Ay,” said he, “how so, pray?” “Why,” replied the other, “when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shewn to me; it filled above five large skins of parchment, and about the middle of it was a note in the margin:—About this time the world was created.”
A TAR’S EXPEDIENT.
Sir John Jervis’s crew had been paid off at Plymouth, and the ship put in dock; but immediately after, the Admiral received an order to refit for sea. Walking one day in the neighbourhood of Plymouth, he encountered a sailor with a lass under his arm, and a dog running before him, with a watch round his neck. Jack saluted his commander, and made Poll and the dog do the same. Sir John then asked him if he would go to sea with him again, stating the orders he had received. Jack inquired the period Sir John was given to refit. “Only a fortnight,” was the answer. “That’s unfortunate,” said Jack, “for I’ve been kalkylating, your honour, that, with Poll, and the dog, and the watch, my money will jist last me a month; howsomever, I can do this ’ere, your honour—(aside)—I can keep two marms, two dogs, and two watches; and then I shall have unloaded the shiners in a fortnight, sure enough!”
NO DEEP PLAY.
Lord O——, saying that he made a point of never playing beyond the line of his own understanding“Now, my lord,” said the Countess of Buckinghamshire, “I see the reason you never play deep.”
PHILOLOGY.
A gentleman passing the shop of Mr. Haswell, tea-dealer, observed his name would beas wellwithout anH.
JOHNSON AND ROUSSEAU.
When Dr. Johnson was told that Rousseau’s Confessions would contain every motive that had induced him to act in every situation; “Then,” replied he, “if he was anhonest man, his book will not be worth a farthing.”
GOOD ADVERTISEMENT.
Stephen Kemble happening to pass through Newport Market, the butchers set up their usual cry of “What d’ye buy? What d’ye buy?” Stephen parried this for some time, by saying, he did not want any thing. At last, a butcher started from his stall and eyeing Stephen’s figure from top to bottom, which certainly did not indicate that he fed on air, exclaimed, “Well, sir, though you do not now want any thing, onlysayyou buy your meat of me, and you will make my fortune.”
ANECDOTE OF GEORGE III.
An Irish conjuror and ventriloquist, of the name of Ray, but who called himself “Le Sieur Ray,” to blarney his countrymen (though he spoke a brogue thick enough to have cut with a knife, as Bowles used to say), exhibiting before their majesties, refused to perform his grand deception till the queen saidcockalorum, in which he pretended the charm consisted. Her majesty thought the word either difficultor indelicate, and declined; but the king was so bent upon the great astonishment, that he turned round to her good-naturedly and said,—“Say cockalorum, Charlotte—say cockalorum.”
FELLOW FEELING.
Dr. A——, physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the fellow’s misconduct, as to raise his choler, and draw from him this expression:—“Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, asI have covered so many blunders of yours.”
STRIKING ANALOGY.
Bate Dudley had been telling a story to the Anacreontic Club, which he purported to be entirely new, and which caused a great deal of laughter. Hewardine then observed, that the anecdote related by Mr. Dudley put him in mind of another nearly as facetious. He then repeated some venerable affair, which, whatever was its point, bore no more resemblance to Dudley’s, than a white egg to a black hen. When it was concluded, Dudley turned to Hewardine with a stare of surprise, and observed, “That was a very humorous circumstance; but I can’t see how my anecdote could remind you of it!” “No!” said Tom. “Why, I’ll tell you,—your story is at the top of the leaf, page 17, Miller’s old edition, and mine follows at the bottom!”
EVERY THING SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN BOTTOM.
A sailor passing by a cooper’s shop, and seeing a number of tubs piled above each other at the door,began to kick and tumble them about the street. The master coming out, and desiring to know the reason of this strange proceeding, “D—n it,” replied Jack, “why should not every tub stand upon its own bottom?”
A FAMILY PIECE.
Mr. Fox having applied to a shopkeeper in Westminster for his vote and interest, the man produced a halter, with which he said he was ready to oblige him. The orator immediately replied, “I return you thanks, my friend, for your very polite offer; but I should be sorry to deprive you of so valuable a family piece.”
RETRACTATION.
Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed them, one of them said, “There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw.” She hearing, turned round, and observing him to be very ugly, answered, “I wish, sir, I could, in return, say as much of you.” “So you may, madam,” said he, “and lie as I did.”
THE GOOD OLD “LAPSUS LINGUÆ.”
A gentleman’s servant bringing into the dining-room, where the company were all assembled, a nice roasted tongue, tripped as he entered the door, and spread the tongue and sauce on the carpet. The landlord, with much presence of mind, soon relieved the embarrassment of his guests as well as of the servant by saying, with great good humour, “There’s no harm done, gentlemen, ’tis merely alapsus linguæ.” This fortunate play of words excited much merriment. A very sagacious gentleman, struck with the happy effect of the above accident, was determined to make a similar exhibition. He invited a large party, and when they were all assembled, he had directed his servant to letfall a piece of roast beef on the floor: the servant obeyed his injunctions; but the company felt hurt at the accident. “Be not uneasy, my friends,” cried the would-be witty landlord, “’tis only alapsus linguæ.”
WIT IN TECHNICALS.
A clergyman preaching in the neighbourhood of Wapping, and observing that most of his audience were in the sea-faring way, very properly embellished his discourse with several nautical tropes and figures. Amongst other things, he advised them to be ever “on the watch, so that on whatever tack the devil should bear down upon them, he might be crippled in the action.” “Ay, master,” cried a jolly son of Neptune, “but let me tell you, that will depend on your having the weather-gauge of him.”
THE FAST-DAY.
A gentleman who employs a great number of hands in a manufactory in the West of England, in order to encourage his work people in a due attendance at church on a Fast-day, told them, that if they went to church they would receive their wages for that day, in the same manner as if they had been at work. Upon which a deputation was appointed to acquaint their employer, that “if he would pay them forover hours, they would attend likewise at the Methodist chapel in the evening!”
A FRIEND IN NEED.
A scholar declaiming in the college-hall, and having a bad memory, was at a stand, when, in a low voice, he desired one who stood close by him to help him out. “No,” says the other, “methinks you are out enough already.”
TILLOTSON.
It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson, when King William III. complained of the shortness of his sermon, “Sire,” said the archbishop, “could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long.”
NATIONALITY.
Frederick of Prussia, at a review of his tall grenadiers, asked Sir Robert Sutton, the British ambassador, if he could say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them. “No, sir,” answered Sir Robert, “I won’t pretend to say that; but I believe half the number would try!”
SOOT AND RELIGION.
A dignified clergyman, going to his living to spend the summer, met near his house a comical old chimney-sweeper, with whom he used to chat. “So, John,” said the doctor, “whence come you?” “From your house, sir, where this morning I swept all your chimneys.” “How many were there?” said the doctor. “No less than twenty,” quoth John. “Well, and how much a-chimney have you!” “Only a shilling a-piece, sir.” “Why then,” quoth the doctor, “you have earned a great deal of money in a little time.” “Yes, yes,” says John, throwing his bag over his shoulder, “weblack coatsget our money easy enough.”
ANECDOTE OF GEORGE II.
When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to George II. as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council,however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of the office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? “With the devil’s!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. “And shall the instrument,” said the earl, coolly, “run as usual, ‘our trusty well-beloved cousin and counsellor?’”—a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.
LATIN FOR COLD.
A schoolmaster asked one of his boys, in a cold winter morning, what was Latin forcold. The boy hesitating a little, the master said, “What, sirrah, can’t you tell?” “Yes, sir,” said the boy, “I have it at myfinger ends.”
WIT IN A HOBNAIL.
A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock in a new coat. The parson asked in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? “The same people,” said the shepherd, “that clothe you—the parish.” The parson, nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him? for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding, that his master really wanted a fool. “Are you going away, then?” said the shepherd. “No,” answered the other. “Then you maytell your master,” replied the shepherd, “his living won’t maintainthreeof us.”
YORKSHIRE.
Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler, fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. “Well,” said the hostler, “and I can prove your saddle to be a mule.” “A mule!” cried one of them, “how can that be?” “Because,” said the hostler, “it is something between a horse and an ass.”
WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER.
A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going, “I will trouble you witha line,” replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear.
EARLY RISING.
A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he thatlost it was up before him.”
THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW.
There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough to inquire into the private situations of various members of the company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’sindispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity, who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business, he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore, my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore, not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour, where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty—a very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence operated equally in producing some confusion:at length a conversation commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not so agreeable as he could wish—that his income was a confined one; she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?” These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on), begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment. “Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being enviable.[G]
CANDOUR.
Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know not,” said theparson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to preach at all.”
REWARD OF POLYGAMY.
A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for his execution.
COATS AND ARMS.
A gentleman having called a ticket porter to carry a message, asked his name; he said it was Russel. “And pray,” said the gentleman, jocularly, “is your coat of arms the same as the Duke of Bedford’s?” “As to ourarms, your honour,” says the porter, “I believe they are much alike; but there is a great difference between ourcoats.”
LORD HOWE.
When Lord Howe was captain of theMagnanime, a negro sailor on board was ordered to be flogged. Every thing being prepared, and the ship’s company assembled to see the punishment inflicted, Captain Howe made a long address to the culprit on the enormity of his offence. Poor Mungo, tired of the harangue and of having his back exposed to the cold, exclaimed, “Massa, if you floggee, floggee; or, ifyou preachee, preachee; but no preachee and floggee too.”
DR. EGERTON.
Dr. Egerton, bishop of Durham, on coming to that see, employed a person of the name of Due as his agent to find out the true value of the estates held by lease under him, and, in consequence of Due’s report, greatly raised both the fines and rents of the tenants; on which the following toast was frequently drunk in the bishopric:—“May theLordtake theBishop, and theDevilhave hisDue!”
RIGHT CONJECTURE.
A buck parson going to read prayers at a village in the west of England, found some difficulty in putting on the surplice. “D—n this surplice!” said he to the clerk, “I think the devil is in it.” Amen, astonished, waited till the parson had got it on, and then answered, “I thinks as how he is, zur.”