ANTE-POSTHUMOUS JEALOUSY
"Isn'tEmily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?""A—ahem—no doubt. I can't say much for hersinging, you know!""Ah! but she's so good and true—a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you topromiseme something, Reginald.""Certainly, my love!""If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh! promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"
"Isn'tEmily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?"
"A—ahem—no doubt. I can't say much for hersinging, you know!"
"Ah! but she's so good and true—a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you topromiseme something, Reginald."
"Certainly, my love!"
"If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh! promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"
DISTINGUISHED PROFESSIONALS
Hostess(to host, after dinner).—"George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smithorelli to sing? They'll be mortallyoffendedif wedo, and they'll be mortallyoffendedif wedon't!"
Hostess(to host, after dinner).—"George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smithorelli to sing? They'll be mortallyoffendedif wedo, and they'll be mortallyoffendedif wedon't!"
SOCIAL AGONIES
Mrs. Bloker.—"Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to makesureof you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Saturday; oranyday next week!"(Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously.)
Mrs. Bloker.—"Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to makesureof you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Saturday; oranyday next week!"
(Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously.)
TRUE BLUE
"But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?""Mymind? Oh, often! But myvote,NEVER!!"
"But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?"
"Mymind? Oh, often! But myvote,NEVER!!"
NOUS AVONS CHANGÉ TOUT CELA
The Old Marquis of Carabas.—"What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle £20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest titles in England,and you refuse your consent!!!! By George, madam, inmyyoung days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was thedaughters themselves!!"
The Old Marquis of Carabas.—"What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle £20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest titles in England,and you refuse your consent!!!! By George, madam, inmyyoung days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was thedaughters themselves!!"
SPEECHES ONE HAS TO LIVE DOWN
Hostess.—"So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."Visitor.—"Oh, don't mention it. The anticipation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."
Hostess.—"So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."
Visitor.—"Oh, don't mention it. The anticipation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."
TOO CONSIDERATE
Mrs. Brown.—"Oh, Mrs. Smith,dohave that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."Mr. Brown.—"Oh, pray, don't trouble onmyaccount."
Mrs. Brown.—"Oh, Mrs. Smith,dohave that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."
Mr. Brown.—"Oh, pray, don't trouble onmyaccount."
THINGS ONE WOULD HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY
Genial Hostess.—"What, going already, Professor?... Andmustyou take your wife away with you?"The Professor(with grave politeness).—"Indeed, madam,I am sorry to say I MUST!"
Genial Hostess.—"What, going already, Professor?... Andmustyou take your wife away with you?"
The Professor(with grave politeness).—"Indeed, madam,I am sorry to say I MUST!"
HAPPY THOUGHT
FLUNKYANA(A Visit to the Portrait-Gallery of Brabazon Towers.)
"Pardon me! But you have passed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think.""Oh,that! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart.Not one of the family, you know!"
"Pardon me! But you have passed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think."
"Oh,that! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart.Not one of the family, you know!"
"OH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER SWEET ALICE, BEN BOLT?"
A WINDOW STUDY
The Maiden.—"Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"The Curate.—"Well, they prevent me from seeingyou! I should preferLowercinths!"
The Maiden.—"Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"
The Curate.—"Well, they prevent me from seeingyou! I should preferLowercinths!"
SO ENGLISH, YOU KNOW!
The Miss Browns (of "a good" Bayswater family) playing "Buffalo Gals," with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.
The Miss Browns (of "a good" Bayswater family) playing "Buffalo Gals," with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.
SOCIAL TARRADIDDLES
Mrs. Gushington(aside to her husband).—"What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"Mr. Gushington.—"Beethoven, my love."Mrs. Gushington(to hostess).—"MydearMrs. Brown, whatheavenlymusic! How in everybarone feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"
Mrs. Gushington(aside to her husband).—"What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"
Mr. Gushington.—"Beethoven, my love."
Mrs. Gushington(to hostess).—"MydearMrs. Brown, whatheavenlymusic! How in everybarone feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"
LOVE'S LABOR LOST
"Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our mindsnever to marry, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc.)
"Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our mindsnever to marry, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc.)
THE MARCH OF PROGRESS
She.—"After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken!Isthere, General?"He.—"I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know thelegs! When I wasyoung, you know, myparentsalways ate the wings, andnow, mychildrenalways do!"
She.—"After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken!Isthere, General?"
He.—"I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know thelegs! When I wasyoung, you know, myparentsalways ate the wings, andnow, mychildrenalways do!"
AN INFELICITOUS QUESTION
Æsthetic Youth.—"I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things...."Simple-Minded Guardsman.—"And what are you going to do withthese, then?"
Æsthetic Youth.—"I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things...."
Simple-Minded Guardsman.—"And what are you going to do withthese, then?"
I MUST HAVE THIS TOOTH OUT!
"I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!""Oh,pleasedon't, orIshall have to wear it, as I doallof your left-off things!"
"I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!"
"Oh,pleasedon't, orIshall have to wear it, as I doallof your left-off things!"
NEMESIS
Mrs. Constantia(to old adorer, who has married for money).—"And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!... how like their mother!"
Mrs. Constantia(to old adorer, who has married for money).—"And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!... how like their mother!"
TOO LATE
He.—"What! You haven't got a dance left?"She.—"No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"He.—"Well, a feller mustdine, you know!"
He.—"What! You haven't got a dance left?"
She.—"No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"
He.—"Well, a feller mustdine, you know!"
FEMININE PERVERSITY
She-Gossip(alluding to newly-wedded pair).—"There go 'Beauty and the Beast,' as they are called! Shewouldmarry him. Her parents strongly opposed the match, as you may imagine."He-Gossip(who flatters himself that he understands the sex).—"By George! The parental opposition must have been strong to make her marry such a ruffian as that!"
She-Gossip(alluding to newly-wedded pair).—"There go 'Beauty and the Beast,' as they are called! Shewouldmarry him. Her parents strongly opposed the match, as you may imagine."
He-Gossip(who flatters himself that he understands the sex).—"By George! The parental opposition must have been strong to make her marry such a ruffian as that!"
CONSOLATION
De Snookke.—"There goes Mrs.Gatherum! She never asksmeto her parties! I suppose I am notswellenough!"Sympathetic Lady-Friend.—"Oh, it can't bethat! One meets the most rowdy people in London there."
De Snookke.—"There goes Mrs.Gatherum! She never asksmeto her parties! I suppose I am notswellenough!"
Sympathetic Lady-Friend.—"Oh, it can't bethat! One meets the most rowdy people in London there."
CAPTAIN LELONGBOW
Captain Lelongbow(a fascinating but most inveterate romancer about his own exploits).—"Who's your favorite hero infiction, Miss Vera?"Miss Vera.—"Youare!"
Captain Lelongbow(a fascinating but most inveterate romancer about his own exploits).—"Who's your favorite hero infiction, Miss Vera?"
Miss Vera.—"Youare!"
ÆSTHETICS
Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Oh, Sir Charles! Modern English male attire istoohideous. Just look round ... there are only two decently dressed men in the room!"Sir Charles.—"Indeed! And which arethey, may I ask?"Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Well, I don't knowwhothey are, exactly; but just now one seems to be offering the other a cup of tea."
Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Oh, Sir Charles! Modern English male attire istoohideous. Just look round ... there are only two decently dressed men in the room!"
Sir Charles.—"Indeed! And which arethey, may I ask?"
Mrs. Van Tromp.—"Well, I don't knowwhothey are, exactly; but just now one seems to be offering the other a cup of tea."
AN ACCOMMODATION
Vocalist(to fair Stranger).—"A—I'm going to sing 'Fain would I clasp thee closer, love!' May I look at you while I am singing?"Fair Stranger.-"Oh, certainly! Or at my grandmother."
Vocalist(to fair Stranger).—"A—I'm going to sing 'Fain would I clasp thee closer, love!' May I look at you while I am singing?"
Fair Stranger.-"Oh, certainly! Or at my grandmother."
"SVENGALI!... SVENGALI!... SVENGALI!"
PETER IBBETSON{Post 8vo, Cloth, OrnamentalThree-Quarter CalfThree-Quarter Levant$1 503 254 25TRILBY{Post 8vo, Cloth, OrnamentalThree-Quarter CalfThree-Quarter Levant1 753 504 50THE MARTIAN (Mr. Du Maurier's last work, now running as a serial in "Harper's Magazine," began in the number for October, 1896).TRILBY SOUVENIR. Photogravures in Portfolio8vo50IN BOHEMIA WITH DU MAURIER. By Moscheles8vo2 50
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Transcriber's Notes:Obvious punctuation errors repaired.In the Foreword, word "indefinitely" changed to "infinitely" (infinitely less amazing)Caption for illustration A DAUGHTER OF HETH, name "BENJAMIM" changed to "BENJAMIN"
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
In the Foreword, word "indefinitely" changed to "infinitely" (infinitely less amazing)
In the Foreword, word "indefinitely" changed to "infinitely" (infinitely less amazing)
Caption for illustration A DAUGHTER OF HETH, name "BENJAMIM" changed to "BENJAMIN"
Caption for illustration A DAUGHTER OF HETH, name "BENJAMIM" changed to "BENJAMIN"