Cob. Fasting-days! what tell you me of fasting days? 'Slid, wouldthey were all on a light fire for me! they say the whole worldshall be consumed with fire one day, but would I had theseEmber-weeks and villanous Fridays burnt in the mean time, andthen—Cash. Why, how now, Cob? what moves thee to this choler, ha?Cob. Collar, master Thomas! I scorn your collar, I, sir; I am noneO' your cart-horse, though I carry and draw water. An you offer toride me with your collar or halter either, I may hap shew you ajade's trick, sir.Cash. O, you'll slip your head out of the collar? why, goodman Cob,you mistake me.Cob. Nay, I have my rheum, and I can be angry as well as another,sir.Cash. Thy rheum, Cob! thy humour, thy humour—thou misstak'st.Cob. Humour! mack, I think it be so indeed; what is that humour?some rare thing, I warrant.Cash. Marry I'll tell thee, Cob: it is a gentlemanlike monster,bred in the special gallantry of our time, by affectation; and fedby folly.Cob. How! must it be fed?Cash. Oh ay, humour is nothing if it be not fed: didst thou neverhear that? it's a common phrase, feed my humour.Cob. I'll none on it: humour, avaunt! I know you not, be gone! letwho will make hungry meals for your monstership, it shall not be I.Feed you, quoth he! 'slid, I have much ado to feed myself;especially on these lean rascally days too; an't had been any otherday but a fasting-day—a plague on them all for me! By this light,one might have done the commonwealth good service, and have drown'dthem all in the flood, two or three hundred thousand years ago. O,I do stomach them hugely. I have a maw now, and 'twere for sirBevis his horse, against them.Cash. I pray thee, good Cob, what makes thee so out of love withfasting days?Cob. Marry, that which will make any man out of love with 'em, Ithink; their bad conditions, an you will needs know. First they areof a Flemish breed, I am sure on't, for they raven up more butterthan all the days of the week beside; next, they stink of fish andleek-porridge miserably; thirdly, they'll keep a man devoutlyhungry all day, and at night send him supperless to bed.Cash. Indeed, these are faults, Cob.Cob. Nay, an this were all, 'twere something; but they are the onlyknown enemies to my generation. A fasting-day no sooner comes, butmy lineage goes to wrack; poor cobs! they smoak for it, they aremade martyrs O' the gridiron, they melt in passion: and your maidsto know this, and yet would have me turn Hannibal, and eat my ownflesh and blood. My princely coz, [pulls out a red herring] fearnothing; I have not the heart to devour you, an I might be made asrich as king Cophetua. O that I had room for my tears, I could weepsalt-water enough now to preserve the lives of ten thousandthousand of my kin! But I may curse none but these filthyalmanacks; for an't were not for them, these days of persecutionwould never be known. I'll be hang'd an some fish-monger's son donot make of 'em, and puts in more fasting-days than he should do,because he would utter his father's dried stock—fish and stinkingconger.Cash. 'Slight peace! thou'lt be beaten like a stock-fish else:here's master Mathew.Enter WELLIBRED, E. KNOWELL, BRAINWORM,MATHEW, BOBADILL, and STEPHEN.Now must I look out for a messenger to my master.[Exit with Cob.Wel, Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedinglywell carried!E. Know. Ay, and our ignorance maintain'd it as well, did it not?Wel. Yes, faith; but was it possible thou shouldst not know him? Iforgive master Stephen, for he is stupidity itself.E. Know. 'Fore God, not I, an I might have been join'd patten withone of the seven wise masters for knowing him. He had so writhenhimself into the habit of one of your poor infantry, your decayed;ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round; such as have vowed tosit on the skirts of the city, let your provost and his half-dozenof halberdiers do what they can; and have translated begging out ofthe old hackney-pace to a fine easy amble, and made it run assmooth off the tongue as a shove-groat shilling. Into the likenessof one of these reformados had he moulded himself so perfectly,observing every trick of their action, as, varying the accent,swearing with an emphasis, indeed, all with so special andexquisite a grace, that, hadst thou seen him, thou wouldst havesworn he might have been sergeant-major, if not lieutenant-colonelto the regiment.Wel. Why, Brainworm, who would have thought thou hadst been such anartificer?E. Know. An artificer! an architect. Except a man had studiedbegging all his life time, and been a weaver of language from hisinfancy for the cloathing of it, I never saw his rival.Wel. Where got'st thou this coat, I marle?Brai. Of a Hounsditch man, sir, one of the devil's near kinsmen, abroker.Wel. That cannot be, if the proverb hold; for 'A crafty knave needsno broker.'Brai. True, sir; but I did need a broker, ergo—Wel. Well put off:—no crafty knave, you'll say.E. Know. Tut, he has more of these shifts.Brai. And yet, where I have one the broker has ten, sir.Reenter CASHCash. Francis! Martin! ne'er a one to be found now? what a spite'sthis!Wel. How now, Thomas? Is my brother Kitely within?Cash. No, sir, my master went forth e'en now; but master Downrightis within.—Cob! what, Cob! Is he gone too?Wel. Whither went your master, Thomas, canst thou tell?Cash. I know not: to justice Clement's, I think, sir—Cob![ExitE. Know. Justice Clement! what's he? Wel.Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city-magistrate, a justicehere, an excellent good lawyer, and a great scholar; but the onlymad, merry old fellow in Europe. I shewed him you the other day.E. Know. Oh, is that he? I remember him now. Good faith, and he isa very strange presence methinks; it shews as if he stood out ofthe rank from other men: I have heard many of his jests in theUniversity. They say he will commit a man for taking the wall ofhis horse.Wel. Ay, or wearing his cloak on one shoulder, or serving of God;any thing, indeed, if it come in the way of his humour.Re-enter CASH.Cash. Gasper! Martin! Cob! 'Heart, where should they be trow?Bob. Master Kitely's man, pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting ofthis match.[Exit.Cash. Fire on your match! no time but now to vouchsafe?—Francis!Cob!Bob. Body O' me! here's the remainder of seven pound sinceyesterday was seven-night. 'Tis your right Trinidado: did you nevertake any master Stephen?Step. No, truly, sir; but I'll learn to take it now, since youcommend it so.Bob. Sir, believe me, upon my relation for what I tell you, theworld shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies, where this herbgrows, where neither myself, nor a dozen gentlemen more of myknowledge, have received the taste of any other nutriment in theworld, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of thissimple only: therefore, it cannot be, but 'tis most divine.Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind; so, it makes anantidote, that, had you taken the most deadly poisonous plant inall Italy, it should expel it, and clarify you, with as much easeas I speak. And for your green wound,—your Balsamum and your St.John's wort, are all mere gulleries and trash to it, especiallyyour Trinidado: your Nicotian is good too. I could say what I knowof the virtue of it, for the expulsion of rheums, raw humours,crudities, obstructions, with a thousand of this kind; but Iprofess myself no quack-salver. Only thus much; by Hercules, I dohold it, and will affirm it before any prince in Europe, to be themost sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered tothe use of man.E. Know. This speech would have done decently in a tobacco-trader'smouth.Re-enter CASH with COB.Cash. At justice Clement's he is, in the middle of Coleman-street.Cob. Oh, oh!Bob. Where's the match I gave thee, master Kitely's man?Cash. Would his match and he, and pipe and all, were at SanctoDomingo! I had forgot it.[Exit.Cob. 'Od's me, I marle what pleasure or felicity they have intaking this roguish tobacco. It's good for nothing but to choke aman, and fill him full of smoke and embers: there were four diedout of one house last week with taking of it, and two more the bellwent for yesternight; one of them, they say, will never scape it;he voided a bushel of soot yesterday, upward and downward. By thestocks, an there were no wiser men than I, I'd have it presentwhipping, man or woman, that should but deal with a tobacco pipe:why, it will stifle them all in the end, as many as use it; it'slittle better than ratsbane or rosaker.[Bobadill beats him.All. Oh, good captain, hold, hold!Bob. You base cullion, you!Re-enter CASH.Cash. Sir, here's your match. Come, thou must needs be talking too,thou'rt well enough served.Cob. Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you: well,it shall be a dear beating, an I live.Bob. Do you prate, do you murmur?E. Know. Nay, good captain, will you regard the humour of a fool?Away, knave.Wel. Thomas, get him away. [Exit Cash with Cob.Bob. A whoreson filthy slave, a dung-worm, an excrement! Body O'Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd havestabb'd him to the earth.Wel. Marry, the law forbid, sir!Bob. By Pharaoh's foot, I would have done it.Step. Oh, he swears most admirably! By Pharaoh's foot! Body O'Caesar!—I shall never do it, sure. Upon mine honour, and by St.George!—No, I have not the right grace.Mat. Master Stephen, will you any? By this air, the most divinetobacco that ever I drunk.[Practises at the post.As I am a gentleman! By— [Exeunt Bob. and Mat.Step. None, I thank you, sir. O, this gentleman does it rarely,too: but nothing like the other. By this air!Brai. [pointing to Master Stephen.] Master, glance, glance! masterWellbred!Step. As I have somewhat to be saved, I protest—Wel. You are a fool; it needs no affidavit.E. Know. Cousin, will you any tobacco?Step. I, sir! Upon my reputation—E. Know. How now, cousin!Step. I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier, indeed—Wel. No, master Stephen! As I remember, your name is entered in theartillery-garden.Step. Ay, sir, that's true. Cousin, may I swear, as I am a soldier,by that?E. Know. O yes, that you may; it is all you have for your money.Step. Then, as I am a gentleman, and a soldier, it is "divinetobacco!"Wel. But soft, where's master Mathew! Gone?Brai. No, sir; they went in here.Wel. O let's follow them: master Mathew is gone to salute hismistress in verse; we shall have the happiness to hear some of hispoetry now; he never comes unfinished.—Brainworm!Step. Brainworm! Where? Is this Brainworm?E. Know. Ay, cousin; no words of it, upon your gentility.Step. Not I, body of me! By this air! St. George! and the foot ofPharaoh!Wel. Rare! Your cousin's discourse is simply drawn out with oaths.E. Know. 'Tis larded with them; a kind of French dressing, if youlove it.[Exeunt.
SCENE III-Coleman-Street. A Room in Justice CLEMENT'S House.Enter KITELY and COB.
Kit. Ha! how many are there, say'st thou?Cob. Marry, sir, your brother, master Wellbred—Kit. Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man?Cob. Strangers? let me see, one, two; mass; I know not well,—there are so many.Kit. How! so many?Cob. Ay, there's some five or six of them at the most.Kit.A swarm, a swarm!Spite of the devil...how they sting my headWith forked stings, thus wide and large!But, Cob, How long hast thou been coming hither, Cob?Cob. A little while, sir.Kit. Didst thou come running?Cob. No, sir.Kit.Nay, then I am familiar with thy haste.Bane to my fortunes! what meant I to marry?I, that before was rank'd in such content,My mind at rest too, in so soft a peace,Being free master of mine own free thoughts,And now become a slave? What! never sigh;Be of good cheer, man; for thou art a cuckold:'Tis done, 'tis done! Nay, when such flowing-store,Plenty itself, falls into my wife's lap,The cornucopiae will be mine, I know.—But, Cob,What entertainment had they? I am sureMy sister and my wife would bid them welcome: ha?Cob. Like enough, sir; yet I heard not a word of it.Kit.No;Their lips were seal'd with kisses, and the voice,Drown'd in a flood of joy at their arrival,Had lost her motion, state and faculty.—Cob,Which of them was it that first kiss'd my wife,My sister, I should say?—My wife, alas!I fear not her: ha! who was it say'st thou?Cob. By my troth, sir, will you have the truth of it?Kit. Oh, ay, good Cob, I pray thee heartily.
Cob. Then I am a vagabond, and fitter for Bridewell than yourworship's company, if I saw any body to be kiss'd, unless theywould have kiss'd the post in the middle of the warehouse; forthere I left them all at their tobacco, with a pox!Kit. How! were they not gone in then ere thou cam'st?Cob. O no, sir.Kit. Spite of the devil! what do I stay here then? Cob, follow me.[Exit.Cob. Nay, soft and fair; I have eggs on the spit; I cannot go yet,sir. Now am I, for some five and fifty reasons, hammering,hammering revenge: oh for three or four gallons of vinegar, tosharpen my wits! Revenge, vinegar revenge, vinegar and mustardrevenge! Nay, an he had not lien in my house, 'twould never havegrieved me; but being my guest, one that, I'll be sworn, my wifehas lent him her smock off her back, while his own shirt has beenat washing; pawned her neck-kerchers for clean bands for him; soldalmost all my platters, to buy him tobacco; and he to turn monsterof ingratitude, and strike his lawful host! Well, I hope to raiseup an host of fury for't: here comes justice Clement.Enter Justice CLEMENT, KNOWELL, and FORMAL.Clem. What's master Kitely gone, Roger?Form. Ay, sir.Clem. 'Heart O' me! what made him leave us so abruptly?—How now,sirrah! what make you here? what would you have, ha?Cob. An't please your worship, I am a poor neighbour of yourworship's—Clem. A poor neighbour of mine! Why, speak, poor neighbour.Cob. I dwell, sir, at the sign of the Water-tankard, hard by theGreen Lattice: I have paid scot and lot there any time thiseighteen years.Clem. To the Green Lattice?Cob. No, sir, to the parish: Marry, I have seldom scaped scot-freeat the Lattice.Clem. O, well; what business has my poor neighbour with me?Cob. An't like your worship, I am come to crave the peace of yourworship.Clem. Of me, knave! Peace of me, knave! Did I ever hurt thee, orthreaten thee, or wrong thee, ha?Cob. No, sir; but your worship's warrant for one that has wrong'dme, sir: his arms are at too much liberty, I would fain have thembound to a treaty of peace, an my credit could compass it with yourworship.Clem. Thou goest far enough about for't, I am sure.Kno. Why, dost thou go in danger of thy life for him, friend?Cob. No, sir; but I go in danger of my death every hour, by hismeans; an I die within a twelve-month and a day, I may swear by thelaw of the land that he killed me.Clem. How, how, knave, swear he killed thee, and by the law? Whatpretence, what colour hast thou for that?Cob. Marry, an't please your worship, both black and blue; colourenough, I warrant you. I have it here to shew your worship.Clem. What is he that gave you this, sirrah?Cob. A gentleman and a soldier, he says, he is, of the city here.Clem. A soldier of the city! What call you him?Cob. Captain Bobadill.Clem. Bobadill! and why did he bob and beat you, sirrah? How beganthe quarrel betwixt you, ha? speak truly, knave, I advise you.Cob. Marry, indeed, an't please your worship, only because I spakeagainst their vagrant tobacco, as I came by them when they weretaking on't; for nothing else.Clem. Ha! you speak against tobacco? Formal, his name.Form. What's your name, sirrah?Cob. Oliver, sir, Oliver Cob, sir.Clem. Tell Oliver Cob he shall go to the jail, Formal.Form. Oliver Cob, my master, justice Clement, says you shall go tothe jail.Cob. O, I beseech your worship, for God's sake, dear masterjustice!Clem. 'Sprecious! an such drunkards and tankards as you are, cometo dispute of tobacco once, I have done: away with him!Cob, O, good master justice! Sweet old gentleman! [To Knowell.Know. "Sweet Oliver," would I could do thee any good!—justiceClement, let me intreat you, sir.Clem. What! a thread-bare rascal, a beggar, a slave that neverdrunk out of better than piss-pot metal in his life! and he todeprave and abuse the virtue of an herb so generally received inthe courts of princes, the chambers of nobles, the bowers of sweetladies, the cabins of soldiers!—Roger, away with him! 'Od'sprecious—I say, go to.Cob. Dear master justice, let me be beaten again, I have deservedit: but not the prison, I beseech you.Know. Alas, poor Oliver!Clem. Roger, make him a warrant:—he shall not go, but I fear theknave.Form. Do not stink, sweet Oliver, you shall not go; my master willgive you a warrant.Cob. O, the Lord maintain his worship, his worthy worship!Clem. Away, dispatch him. [Exeunt Formal and Cob;] How now, masterKnowell, in dumps, in dumps! Come, this becomes not.Know. Sir, would I could not feel my cares.Clem. Your cares are nothing: they are like my cap, soon put on,and as soon put off. What! your son is old enough to governhimself: let him run his course, it's the only way to make him astaid man. If he were an unthrift, a ruffian, a drunkard, or alicentious liver, then you had reason; you had reason to take care:but, being none of these, mirth's my witness, an I had twice somany cares as you have, I'd drown them all in a cup of sack. Come,come, let's try it: I muse your parcel of a soldier returns not allthis while.[Exeunt.
SCENE I—-A Room in KITELY'S House.Enter DOWNRIGTIT and Dame KITELY.
Dow. Well, sister, I tell you true; and you'll find it so in theend.Dame K. Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot helpit; you see my brother brings them in here; they are his friends.Dow. His friends! his fiends. 'Slud! they do nothing but haunt himup and down like a sort of unlucky spirits, and tempt him to allmanner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, alittle thing would make me play the devil with some of them: an'twere not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'dmake the house too hot for the best on 'em; they should say, andswear, hell were broken loose, ere they went hence. But, by God'swill, 'tis nobody's fault but yours; for an you had done as youmight have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too,every mother's son, ere they should have come in, e'er a one ofthem.Dame K. God's my life! did you ever hear the like? what a strangeman is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should putmyself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd madthe patien'st body in the world; to hear you talk so, without anysense or reason.Enter Mistress BRIDGET, Master MATHEW, and BOBADILL;followed, at a distance, by WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL,STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM.Brid.Servant, in troth you are too prodigalOf your wit's treasure, thus fu pour it forthUpon so mean a subject as my worth.
Mat. You say well, mistress, and I mean as well.Dow. Hoy-day, here is stuff!Wel. O, now stand close; pray Heaven, she can get him to read! heshould do it of his own natural impudency.Brid. Servant, what is this same, I pray you?Mat. Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy—Dow. To mock an ape withal! O, I could sew up his mouth, now.Dame K. Sister, I pray you let's hear it.Dow. Are you rhyme-given too?Mat. Mistress, I'll read it if you please.Brid. Pray you do, servant.Dow. O, here's no foppery! Death! I can endure the stocks better.[Exit.E. Know. What ails thy brother? can he not hold his water atreading of a ballad?Wel. O, no; a rhyme fu him is worse than cheese, or a bag-pipe; butmark; you lose the protestation.Mat. Faith, I did it in a humour; I know not how it is; but pleaseyou come near, sir. This gentleman has judgment, he knows how tocensure of a—pray you, sir, you can judge?Step. Not I, sir; upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh!Wel. O, chide your cousin for swearing.E. Know. Not I, so long as he does not forswear himself.Bob. Master Mathew, you abuse the expectation of your dearmistress, and her fair sister: fie! while you live avoid thisprolixity.Mat. I shall, sir, well; incipere dulce.E. Know. How, insipere duke! a sweet thing to be a fool, indeed!Wel. What, do you take incipere in: that sense?E. Know. You do not, you! This was your villainy, to gull him witha motte.Wel. O, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba!Mat.Rare creature, let me speak without offence,Would God my rude words had the influenceTo rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine,Then shouldst thou be his prisoner, who is thine.E. Know. This is Hero and Leander.Wel. O, ay: peace, we shall have more of this.Mat.Be not unkind and fair: misshapen stuffIs of behaviour boisterous and rough.Wel. How like you that, sir? [Master Stephen shakes his head.E. Know. 'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an therebe any brain in it.Mat. But observe the catastrophe, now:And I in duty will exceed all other,As you in beauty do excel Love's mother.E. Know. Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for heutters nothing but stolen remnants.Wel. O, forgive it him.E. Know. A filching rogue, hang him!—-and from the dead! it'sworse than sacrilege.WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, and Master STEPHEN, come forward.Wel. Sister, what have you here, verses? pray you let's see: whomade these verses? they are excellent good.Mat. O, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so, sir. Theywere good in the morning: I made them ex tempore this morning.Wel. How! ex tempore?Mat. Ay, would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill: he sawme write them, at the—pox on it!—the Star, yonder.Brai. Can he find in his heart to curse the stars so?E. Know. Faith, his are even with him; they have curst him enoughalready.Step. Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?E. Know. O, admirable! the best that ever I heard, coz.Step. Body O' Caesar, they are admirable! the best that I everheard, as I am a soldier!Re-enter DOWNRIGHT.Dow. I am vext, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still: 'Heart, Ithink they mean to build and breed here.Wet. Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns yourbeauty with such encomiums and devices; you may see what it is tobe the mistress of a wit, that can make your perfections sotransparent, that every blear eye may look through them, and seehim drowned over head and ears in the deep well of desire: SisterKitely. I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme, and dotricks too.Dow. O monster! impudence itself! tricks!Dame K. Tricks, brother! what tricks?Brid. Nay, speak, I pray you what tricks?Dame K. Ay, never spare any body here; but say, what tricks.Brid. Passion of my heart, do tricks!Wel. 'Slight, here's a trick vied and revied! Why, you monkeys,you, what a cater-wauling do you keep! has he not given you rhymesand verses and tricks?Dow. O, the fiend!Wel. Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so, come,and cherish this tame poetical fury in your servant; you'll bebegg'd else shortly for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. Youcannot give him less than a shilling in conscience, for the book hehad it out of cost him a teston at least. How now, gallants! MasterMathew! Captain! what, all sons of silence, no spirit?Dow. Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks somewhere else,and not here, I wuss; this is no tavern or drinking-school, to ventyour exploits in.Wel. How now; whose cow has calved?Dow. Marry, that has mine, sir.Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I'll tell you ofit, I, sir; you and your companions mend yourselves when I havedone.Wel. My companions!Dow. Yes, sir, your companions, so I say; I am not afraid of you,nor them neither; your hang-byes here. You must have your poets andyour potlings, your soldados and foolados to follow you up and downthe city; and here they must come to domineer and swagger. Sirrah,you ballad-singer, and slops your fellow there, get you out, getyou home; or by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and thatpresently.Wel. 'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do; cut off his ears!cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see; touch any man here,and by this hand I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you.Dow. Yea, that would I fain see, boy.[They all draw.Dame K. O Jesu! murder! Thomas! Gasper!Brid. Help, help! Thomas!Enter CASH and some of the house to part them.E. Know. Gentlemen, forbear, I pray' you.Bob. Well, sirrah, you Holofernes; by my hand, I will pink yourflesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this goodheaven! nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body ofSt. George, I'll not kill him.[Offer to fight again, and are parted.Gash. Hold, hold, good gentlemen. Dow. You whoreson, braggingcoystril!Enter KITELY.Kit.Why, how now! what's the matter, what's the stir here?Whence springs the quarrel? Thomas! where is he?Put up your weapons, and put off this rage:My wife and sister, they are the cause of this.What, Thomas! where is the knave?
Gash. Here, sir.Wel. Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours,this.Step. I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour.[Exeunt Wellbred, Stephen, E. Knowell, Bobadill, and Brainworm.
Kit. Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?Dow. A sort of lewd rake-hells, that care neither for God nor thedevil And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, andtrash! I'll mar the knot of 'em ere I sleep, perhaps; especiallyBob there, he that's all manner of shapes: and songs and sonnets,his fellow.Brid.Brother, indeed you are too violent,Too sudden in your humour: and you knowMy brother Wellbred's temper will not bearAny reproof, chiefly in such a presence,Where every slight disgrace he should receiveMight wound him in opinion and respect.
Dow. Respect! what talk you of respect among such, as have no sparkof manhood, nor good manners? 'Sdeins, I am ashamed to hear you'!respect![Exit.Brid.Yes, there was one a civil gentleman,And very worthily demeaned himself.Kit. O, that was some love of yours, sister.Brid.A love of mine! I would it were no worse, brother;You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for.Dame K. Indeed he seem'd to be a gentleman of a very exceedingfair disposition, and of excellent good parts.[Exeunt Dame Kitely and Bridget.Kit.Her love, by heaven! my wife's minion.Fair disposition! excellent good parts!Death! these phrases are intolerable.Good parts! how should she know his parts?His parts! Well, well, well, well, well, well;It is too plain, too clear: Thomas, come hither.What, are they gone?Cash. Ay, sir, they went in.My mistress and your sister—Kit. Are any of the gallants within?Cash. No, sir, they are all gone.Kit. Art thou sure of it—-?Cash. I can assure you, sir.Kit. What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas?Cash. One, they call him Master Knowell, a handsome younggentleman, sir.Kit.Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much:I'll die, but they have hid him in the house,Somewhere, I'll go and search; go with me, Thomas:Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master.[Exeunt.
SCENE II.—-The Lane before COB'S House.Enter COBCob. [knocks at the door.] What, Tib! Tib, I say!Tib. [within.] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard?Enter Tib.O, husband! is it you? What's the news?Cob. Nay, you have stunn'd me, i'faith; you have, given me aknock O' the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold! 'Slid, cuckold!Tib. Away, you fool! did I know it was you that knocked?Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list.Cob. May I? Tib, you are a whore.Tib. You lie in your throat, husband.Cob. How, the lie! and in my throat tool do you long to bestabb'd, ha?Tib. Why, you are no soldier, I hope.Cob. O, must you be stabbed by a soldier? Mass, that's true! whenwas Bobadill here, your captain? that rogue, that foist, thatfencing Burgullion? I'll tickle him, i'faith.Tib. Why, what's the matter, trow?Cob. O, he has basted me rarely, sumptuously! but I have it here inblack and white, [pulls out the warrant.] for his black and blueshall pay him. O, the justice, the honestest old brave Trojan inLondon; I do honour the very flea of his dog. A plague on him,though, he put me once in a villanous filthy fear; marry, itvanished away like the smoke of tobacco; but I was smoked soundlyfirst. I thank the devil, and his good angel, my guest. Well, wife,or Tib, which you will, get you in, and lock the door; I charge youlet nobody in to you, wife; nobody in to you; those are my words:not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his likeness. You are awoman, you have flesh and blood enough in you to be tempted;therefore keep the door shut upon all comers.Tib. I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here without myconsent.Cob. Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.Tib. It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.Cob. How?Tib. Why, sweet.Cob.Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower.Keep close thy door, I ask no more.[Exeunt.
SCENE III.-A Room in the Windmill Tavern.Enter E. KNOWELL, WELLBRED, STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM,disguised as before.E. Know. Well, Brainworm, perform this business happily, and thoumakest a purchase of my love for ever.Wel. I'faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties: but, atany hand, remember the message to my brother; for there's no othermeans to start him.Brai. I warrant you, sir; fear nothing; I have a nimble soul haswaked all forces of my phant'sie by this time, and put them in truemotion. What you have possest me withal, I'll discharge it amply,sir; make it no question.[Exit.Wel. Forth, and prosper, Brainworm. Faith, Ned, how dost thouapprove of my abilities in this device?E. Know. Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent if ittake.Wel. Take, man! why it cannot choose but take, if the circumstancesmiscarry not: but, tell me ingenuously, dost thou affect my sisterBridget as thou pretend'st?E. Know. Friend, am I worth belief?Wel. Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of goodornament, and much modesty; and, except I conceived very worthilyof her, thou should'st not have her.E. Know. Nay, that I am afraid, will be a question yet, whether Ishall have her, or no.Wel. 'Slid, thou shalt have her; by this light thou shalt.E. Know. Nay, do not swear.Wel. By this hand thou shalt have her; I'll go fetch her presently.'Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man I'll bring her.E. Know. Hold, hold, be temperate.Wel. Why, by—what shall I swear by? thou shalt have her, as I am—E. Know. Praythee, be at peace, I am satisfied; and do believe thouwilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete.Wel. Thou shalt see, and know, I will not.[Exeunt.
SCENE IV.-The Old Jewry.Enter FORMAL and KNOWELL.Form. Was your man a soldier, sir?Know. Ay, a knaveI took him begging O' the way, this morning,As I came over Moorfields.Enter BRAINWORM. disguised as before.O, here he is!—-you've made fair speed, believe me,Where, in the name of sloth, could you be thus?Brai. Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should havehad little comfort of your worship's service.Know. How so?Brai. O, sir, your coming to the city, your entertainment of me,and your sending me to watch—-indeed all the circumstances eitherof your charge, or my employment, are as open to your son, as toyourself.Know.How should that be, unless that villain, Brainworm,Have told him of the letter, and discover'dAll that I strictly charg'd him to conceal?'Tis so.Brai. I am partly O' the faith, 'tis so, indeed.Know. But, how should he know thee to be my man?Brai. Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art. Isnot your son a scholar, sir?Know.Yes, but I hope his soul is not alliedUnto such hellish practice: if it were,I had just cause to weep my part in him,And curse the time of his creation.But, where didst thou find them, Fitz-Sword?Brai. You should rather ask where they found me, sir; for I'llbe sworn, I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when,of a sudden, a voice calls, Mr. Knowell's man! another cries,Soldier! and thus half a dozen of them, till they had call'd mewithin a house, where I no sooner came, but they seem'd men, andout flew all their rapiers at my bosom, with some three or fourscore oaths to accompany them; and all to tell me, I was but adead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I wasemployed, and about what; which when they could not get out ofme, (as, I protest, they must have dissected, and made an anatomyof me first, and so I told them,) they lock'd me up into a roomin the top of a high house, whence by great miracle (having alight heart) I slid down by a bottom of packthread into thestreet, and so 'scaped. But, sir, thus much I can assure you,for I heard it while I was lock'd up, there were a great manyrich merchants and brave citizens' wives with them at a feast;and your son, master Edward, withdrew with one of them, and has'pointed to meet her anon at one Cob's house a water-bearerthat dwells by the Wall. Now, there your worship shall be sureto take him, for there he preys, and fail he will not.Know.Nor will I fail to break his match, I doubt not.Go thoualong with justice Clement's man,And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?
Brai. Ay, sir, there you shall have him. [Exit Knowell.] Yes—invisible! Much wench, or much son! 'Slight, when he has staidthere three or four hours, travailing with the expectation ofwonders, and at length be deliver'd of air! O the sport that Ishould then take to look on him, if I durst! But now, I mean toappear no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to actyet. O that I were so happy as to light on a nupson now of thisjustice's novice!—Sir, I make you stay somewhat long.Form. Not a whit, sir. Pray you what do you mean, sir?Brai. I was putting up some papers.Form. You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.Brai. Marry have I, sir, to my loss, and expense of all, almost.Form. Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine onyou, if it please you to accept it—Brai, O, sirForm. But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices inthe wars; they say they be very strange, and not like those a manreads in the Roman histories, or sees at Mile-end.Brai. No, I assure you, sir; why at any time when it please you, Ishall be ready to discourse to you all I know;—and more toosomewhat. [Aside.Form. No better time than now, sir; we'll go to the Windmill: therewe shall have a cup of neat grist, we call it. I pray you, sir, letme request you to the Windmill.Brai. I'll follow you, sir;—and make grist of you, if I have goodluck. [Aside.][Exeunt.
SCENE V.-Moorfields.Enter MATHEW, E. KNOWELL, BOBADILL, and STEPHEN.Mat. Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him where wewere to-day, Mr. Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earthcannot shew his parallel, by this daylight.E. Know. We were now speaking of him: captain Bobadill tells me heis fallen foul of you too.Mat. O, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.Bob. Ay, but I think, I taught you prevention this morning, forthat: You shall kill him beyond question; if you be so generouslyminded.Mat. Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.[Fences.Bob: O, you do not give spirit enough to your motion, you are tootardy, too heavy! O, it must be done like lightning, hay![Practises at a post with his cudgel.Mat. Rare, captain!Bob. Tut! 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a—punto. E. Know.Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters ofdefence here?Mat. O good sir! yes, I hope he has.Bob. I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, aftermy long travel for knowledge, in that mystery only, there camethree or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it wasmy chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence attheir schools: and withal so much importuned me, that I protest toyou, as I am a gentleman, I was ashamed of their rude demeanour outof all measure: Well, I told them that to come to a public school,they should pardon me, it was opposite, in diameter, to my humour;but if so be they would give their attendance at my lodging, Iprotested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was agentleman, and so forth.E. Know. So, sir! then you tried their skill?Bob. Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir. Within two or threedays after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me, Igraced them exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks ofprevention have purchased them since a credit to admiration: theycannot deny this; and yet now they hate me, and why? because I amexcellent; and for no other vile reason on the earth.E. Know. This is strange and barbarous, as ever I heard.Bob. Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures; butnote; sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six ofthem together, as I have walked alone in divers skirts it'll town,as Turnbull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters;and since, upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary:where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street, inthe open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believeme. Yet all this lenity will not overcome their spleen; they willbe doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroadwith his foot at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain them all,but I delight not in murder. I am loth to bear any other than thisbastinado for them: yet I hold it good polity not to go disarmed,for though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes.E. Know. Ay, believe me, may you, sir: and in my conceit, our wholenation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.Bob. Alas, no? what's a peculiar man to a nation? not seen.E. Know. O, but your skill, sir.Bob. Indeed, that might be some loss; but who respects it? I willtell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am agentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I knownto her majesty and the lords,—observe me,—I would undertake, uponthis poor head and life, for the public benefit of the state, notonly to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general; but tosave the one half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge in holdingwar, and against what enemy soever. And how would I do it, thinkyou?E. Know. Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.Bob. Why thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself.throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit,strong and able constitution; I would choose them by an instinct, acharacter that I have: and I would teach these nineteen the specialrules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccato,your passada, your montanto; till they could all play very near, oraltogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were fortythousand strong, we twenty would come into the field the tenth ofMarch, or thereabouts; and we would challenge twenty of the enemy;they could not in their honour refuse us: Well, we would kill them;challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twentymore, kill them too; and thus would we kill every man his twenty aday, that's twenty score; twenty score that's two hundred; twohundred a day, five days a thousand: forty thousand; forty timesfive, five times forty, two hundred days kills them all up bycomputation. And this will I venture my poor gentlemanlike carcaseto perform, provided there be no treason practised upon us, by fairand discreet manhood; that is, civilly by the sword.E. Know. Why, are you so sure of your hand, captain, at all times?Bob. Tut! never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you.E. Know. I would not stand in Downright's state then, an you meethim, for the wealth of anyone street in London.Bob. Why, sir, you mistake me: if he were here now, by this welkin,I would not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind:but I will bastinado him, by the bright sun, wherever I meet him.Mat. Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance.E. Know. 'Od's, so, look where he is! yonder he goes.[Downright crosses the stage.Dow. What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with these braggingrascals?Bob. It is not he, is it?E. Know. Yes, faith, it is he.Mat. I'll be hang'd then if that were he.E. Know. Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for Iassure you that were he.Step. Upon my reputation, it was he.Bob. Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so: but Ican hardly be induced to believe it was he yet.E. Know. That I think, sir.Re-enter DOWNRIGHT.But see, he is come again.Dow. O, Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, draw to your tools;draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you.Bob. Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee; hear me—Dow. Draw your weapon then.Bob. Tall man, I never thought on it till now—Body of me, I hada warrant of the peace served on me, even now as I came along, bya water-bearer; this gentleman saw it, Master Mathew.Dow. 'Sdeath! you will not draw then?[Disarms and beats him. Mathew runs away.Bob. Hold, hold! under thy favour forbear!Dow. Prate again, as you like this, you whoreson foist you! You'llcontrol the point, you! Your consort is gone; had he staid he hadshared with you, sir.[Exit.