SCENE II. — AN APARTMENT IN THE PALACE.ENTER SAVIOLINA, PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, AND FUNGOSO.SAV. Why, I thought, sir Puntarvolo, you had been gone your voyage?PUNT. Dear and most amiable lady, your divine beauties do bind me to thoseoffices, that I cannot depart when I would.SAV. 'Tis most court-like spoken, sir; but how might we do to have a sightof your dog and cat?FAST. His dog is in the court, lady.SAV. And not your cat? how dare you trust her behind you, sir.PUNT. Troth, madam, she hath sore eyes, and she doth keep her chamber;marry, I have left her under sufficient guard there are two of my followersto attend her.SAV. I'll give you some water for her eyes. When do you go, sir?PUNT. Certes, sweet lady, I know not.FAST. He doth stay the rather, madam, to present your acute judgment withso courtly and well parted a gentleman as yet your ladyship hath never seen.SAV. What is he, gentle monsieur Brisk? not that gentleman?[POINTS TO FUNGOSO.FAST. No, lady, this is a kinsman to justice Silence.PUNT. Pray, sir, give me leave to report him. He's a gentleman, lady, ofthat rare and admirable faculty, as, I protest, I know not his like inEurope; he is exceedingly valiant, an excellent scholar, and so exactlytravelled, that he is able, in discourse, to deliver you a model of anyprince's court in the world; speaks the languages with that purity ofphrase, and facility of accent, that it breeds astonishment; his wit, themost exuberant, and, above wonder, pleasant, of all that ever entered theconcave of this ear.FAST. 'Tis most true, lady; marry, he is no such excellent proper man.PUNT. His travels have changed his complexion, madam.SAV. O, sir Puntarvolo, you must think every man was not born to have myservant Brisk's feature.PUNT. But that which transcends all, lady; he doth so peerlessly imitateany manner of person for gesture, action, passion, or whatever —FAST. Ay, especially a rustic or a clown, madam, that it is not possiblefor the sharpest-sighted wit in the world to discern any sparks of thegentleman in him, when he does it.SAV. O, monsieur Brisk, be not so tyrannous to confine all wits within thecompass of your own; not find the sparks of a gentleman in him, if he be agentleman!FUNG. No, in truth, sweet lady, I believe you cannot.SAV. Do you believe so? why, I can find sparks of a gentleman in you, sir.PUNT. Ay, he is a gentleman, madam, and a reveller.FUNG. Indeed, I think I have seen your ladyship at our revels.SAV. Like enough, sir; but would I might see this wonder you talk of; mayone have a sight of him for any reasonable sum?PUNT. Yes, madam, he will arrive presently.SAV. What, and shall we see him clown it?FAST. I'faith, sweet lady, that you shall; see, here he comes.ENTER MACILENTE AND SOGLIARDO.PUNT. This is he! pray observe him, lady.SAV. Beshrew me, he clowns it properly indeed.PUNT. Nay, mark his courtship.SOG. How does my sweet lady? hot and moist? beautiful and lusty? ha!SAV. Beautiful, an it please you, sir, but not lusty.SOG. O ho, lady, it pleases you to say so, in truth: And how does mysweet lady? in health? 'Bonaroba, quaeso, que novelles? que novelles?'sweet creature!SAV. O excellent! why, gallants, is this he that cannot be deciphered?they were very blear-witted, i'faith, that could not discern the gentlemanin him.PUNT. But you do, in earnest, lady?SAV. Do I sir! why, if you had any true court-judgment in the carriage ofhis eye, and that inward power that forms his countenance, you mightperceive his counterfeiting as clear as the noon-day; alas — nay, if youwould have tried my wit, indeed, you should never have told me he was agentleman, but presented him for a true clown indeed; and then have seen ifI could have deciphered him.FAST. 'Fore God, her ladyship says true, knight: but does he not affectthe clown most naturally, mistress?PUNT. O, she cannot but affirm that, out of the bounty of her judgment.SAV. Nay, out of doubt he does well, for a gentleman to imitate: but Iwarrant you, he becomes his natural carriage of the gentleman, much betterthan his clownery.FAST. 'Tis strange, in truth, her ladyship should see so far into him!PUNT. Ay, is it not?SAV. Faith, as easily as may be; not decipher him, quoth you!FUNG. Good sadness, I wonder at itMACI. Why, has she deciphered him, gentlemen?PUNT. O, most miraculously, and beyond admiration.MACI. Is it possible?FAST. She hath gather'd most infallible signs of the gentleman in him,that's certain.SAV. Why, gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this your device,to try my judgment in a gentleman?MACI. Nay, lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift of perspicacyabove others. What if he should be no gentleman now, but a clown indeed,lady?PUNT. How think you of that? would not your ladyship be Out of your Humour?FAST. O, but she knows it is not so.SAV. What if he were not a man, ye may as well say? Nay, if your worshipscould gull me so, indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for.MACI. In good faith, lady, he is a very perfect clown, both by father andmother; that I'll assure you.SAV. O, sir, you are very pleasurable.MACI. Nay, do but look on his hand, and that shall resolve you; look you,lady, what a palm here is.SOG. Tut, that was with holding the plough.MACI. The plough! did you discern any such thing in him, madam?FAST. Faith no, she saw the gentleman as bright as noon-day, she; shedeciphered him at first.MACI. Troth, I am sorry your ladyship's sight should be so suddenly struck.SAV. O, you are goodly beagles!FAST. What, is she gone?SOG. Nay, stay, sweet lady: 'que novelles? que novelles?'SAV. Out, you fool, you![EXIT IN ANGER.FUNG. She's Out of her Humour, i'faith.FAST. Nay, let's follow it while 'tis hot, gentlemen.PUNT. Come, on mine honour we shall make her blush in the presence; myspleen is great with laughter.MACI. Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life, I believe, sir.[ASIDE.] — Come, signior, your looks are too dejected, methinks; why mixyou not mirth with the rest?FUNG. Od's will, this suit frets me at the soul. I'll have it alter'dto-morrow, sure.
SCENE III. — THE PALACE STAIRS.ENTER SHIFT.SHIFT. I am come to the court, to meet with my Countenance, Sogliardo;poor men must be glad of such countenance, when they can get no better.Well, need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him despair ofconsequence. The world will say, 'tis base: tush, base! 'tis base tolive under the earth, not base to live above it by any means.ENTER FASTIDIOUS, PUNTARVOLO, SOGLIARDO, FUNGOSO, AND MACILENTE.FAST. The poor lady is most miserably out of her humour, i'faith.PUNT. There was never so witty a jest broken, at the tilt of all the courtwits christen'd.MACI. O, this applause taints it foully.SOG. I think I did my part in courting. — O, Resolution!PUNT. Ay me, my dog!MACI. Where is he?FAST. 'Sprecious, go seek for the fellow, good signior[EXIT FUNGOSO.PUNT. Here, here I left him.MACI. Why, none was here when we came in now, but cavalier Shirt; enquireof him.FAST. Did you see sir Puntarvolo's dog here, cavalier, since you came?SHIFT. His dog, sir! he may look his dog, sir; I saw none of his dog, sir.MACI. Upon my life, he has stolen your dog, sir, and been hired to it bysome that have ventured with you; you may guess by his peremptory answers.PUNT. Not unlike; for he hath been a notorious thief by his ownconfession. Sirrah, where is my dog?SHIFT. Charge me with your dog, sir! I have none of your dog, sir.PUNT. Villain, thou liest.SHIFT. Lie, sir! s'blood, — you are but a man, sir.PUNT. Rogue and thief, restore him.SOG. Take heed, sir Puntarvolo, what you do; he'll bear no coals, I cantell you, o' my word.MACI. This is rare.SOG. It's marle he stabs you not: By this light, he hath stabbed forty,for forty times less matter, I can tell you of my knowledge.PUNT. I will make thee stoop, thou abject.SOG. Make him stoop, sir! Gentlemen, pacify him, or he'll be kill'd.MACI. Is he so tall a man?SOG. Tall a man! if you love his life, stand betwixt them. Make him stoop!PUNT. My dog, villain, or I will hang thee; thou hast confest robberies,and other felonious acts, to this gentleman, thy Countenance —SOG. I'll bear no witness.PUNT. And without my dog, I will hang thee, for them.[SHIFT KNEELS.SOG. What! kneel to thine enemies!SHIFT. Pardon me, good sir; God is my witness, I never did robbery in allmy life.RE-ENTER FUNGOSO.FUNG. O, sir Puntarvolo, your dog lies giving up the ghost in the wood-yard.MACI. Heart, is he not dead yet![ASIDE.PUNT. O, my dog, born to disastrous fortune! pray you conduct me, sir.[EXIT WITH FUNGOSO.SOG. How! did you never do any robbery in your life?MACI. O, this is good! so he swore, sir.SOG. Ay, I heard him: and did you swear true, sir?SHIFT. Ay, as I hope to be forgiven, sir, I never robbed any man; I neverstood by the highwayside, sir, but only said so, because I would get myselfa name, and be counted a tall man.SOG. Now out, base viliaco! thou my Resolution! I thy Countenance! Bythis light, gentlemen, he hath confest to me the most inexorable company ofrobberies, and damn'd himself that he did 'em: you never heard the like.Out, scoundrel, out! follow me no more, I command thee; out of my sight,go, hence, speak not; I will not hear thee: away, camouccio![EXIT SHIFT.MACI. O, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself! here were a coupleunexpectedly dishumour'd. Well, by this time, I hope, sir Puntarvolo andhis dog are both out of humour to travel. [ASIDE.] — Nay, gentlemen, whydo you not seek out the knight, and comfort him? our supper at the Mitremust of necessity hold to-night, if you love your reputations.FAST. 'Fore God, I am so melancholy for his dog's disaster — but I'll go.SOG. Faith, and I may go too, but I know I shall be so melancholy.MACI. Tush, melancholy! you must forget that now, and remember you lie atthe mercy of a fury: Carlo will rack your sinews asunder, and rail you todust, if you come not.[EXEUNT.MIT. O, then their fear of Carlo, belike, makes them hold their meeting.COR. Ay, here he comes; conceive him but to be enter'd the Mitre, and 'tisenough.
SCENE IV. — A ROOM AT THE MITRE.ENTER CARLO.CAR. Holla! where be these shot-sharks?ENTER DRAWER.DRAW. By and by; you are welcome, good master Buffone.CAR. Where's George? call me George hither, quickly.DRAW. What wine please you have, sir? I'll draw you that's neat, masterBuffone.CAR. Away, neophite, do as I bid thee, bring my dear George to me: —ENTER GEORGE.Mass, here he comes.GEORGE. Welcome, master Carlo.CAR. What, is supper ready, George?GEORGE. Ay, sir, almost: Will you have the cloth laid, master Carlo?CAR. O, what else? Are none of the gallants come yet?GEORGE. None yet, sir.CAR. Stay, take me with you, George; let me have a good fat loin of porklaid to the fire, presently.GEORGE. It shall, sir.CAR. And withal, hear you, draw me the biggest shaft you have out of thebutt you wot of; away, you know my meaning, George; quick!GEORGE. Done, sir.[EXIT.CAR. I never hungered so much for anything in my life, as I do to know ourgallants' success at court; now is that lean, bald-rib Macilente, that saltvillain, plotting some mischievous device, and lies a soaking in theirfrothy humours like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up: Could thepummice but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness, in any reasonableproportion, 'slid, the slave were to be loved next heaven, above honour,wealth, rich fare, apparel, wenches, all the delights of the belly and thegroin, whatever.RE-ENTER GEORGE WITH TWO JUGS OF WINE.GEORGE. Here, master Carlo.CAR. Is it right, boy?GEORGE. Ay, sir, I assure you 'tis right.CAR. Well said, my dear George, depart: [EXIT GEORGE.] — Come, my smallgimblet, you in the false scabbard, away, so! [PUTS FORTH THE DRAWER, ANDSHUTS THE DOOR.] Now to you, sir Burgomaster, let's taste of your bounty.MIT. What, will he deal upon such quantities of wine, alone?COR. You will perceive that, sir.CAR. [DRINKS.] Ay, marry, sir, here's purity; O, George — I could biteoff his nose for this now, sweet rogue, he has drawn nectar, the very soulof the grape! I'll wash my temples with some on't presently, and drinksome half a score draughts; 'twill heat the brain, kindle my imagination, Ishall talk nothing but crackers and fire-works to-night. So, sir! pleaseyou to be here, sir, and I here: so.[SETS THE TWO CUPS ASUNDER, DRINKS WITH THE ONE, AND PLEDGES WITH THEOTHER, SPEAKING FOR EACH OF THE CUPS, AND DRINKING ALTERNATELY.COR. This is worth the observation, signior.CAR. 1 CUP. Now, sir, here's to you; and I present you with so much of mylove.2 CUP. I take it kindly from you, sir. [DRINKS], and will return you thelike proportion; but withal, sir, remembering the merry night we had at thecountess's, you know where, sir.1 CUP. By heaven, you put me in mind now of a very necessary office, whichI will propose in your pledge, sir; the health of that honourable countess,and the sweet lady that sat by her, sir.2 CUP. I do vail to it with reverence [DRINKS]. And now, signior, withthese ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your divine mistress.1 CUP. Do you know her, sir?2 CUP. O lord, sir, ay; and in the respectful memory and mention of her, Icould wish this wine were the most precious drug in the world.1 CUP. Good faith, sir, you do honour me in't exceedingly. [DRINKS.]MIT. Whom should he personate in this, signior?COR. Faith, I know not, sir; observe, observe him.2 CUP. If it were the basest filth, or mud that runs in the channel, I ambound to pledge it respectively, sir. [DRINKS.] And now, sir, here is areplenish'd bowl, which I will reciprocally turn upon you, to the health ofthe count Frugale.1 CUP. The count Frugale's health, sir? I'll pledge it on my knees, bythis light.[KNEELS.2 CUP. Nay, do me right, sir.1 CUP. So I do, in faith.2 CUP. Good faith you do not; mine was fuller.1 CUP. Why, believe me, it was not.2 CUP. Believe me it was; and you do lie.1 CUP. Lie, sir!2 CUP. Ay, sir.1 CUP. 'Swounds! you rascal!2 CUP. O, come, stab if you have a mind to it.1 CUP. Stab! dost thou think I dare not?CAR. [SPEAKS IN HIS OWN PERSON.] Nay, I beseech you, gentlemen, whatmeans this? nay, look, for shame respect your reputations.[OVERTURNS WINE, POT, CUPS, AND ALL.ENTER MACILENTE.MACI. Why, how now, Carlo! what humour's this?CAR. O, my good mischief! art thou come? where are the rest, where arethe rest?MACI. Faith, three of our ordnance are burst.CAR. Burst! how comes that?MACI. Faith, overcharged, overcharged.CAR. But did not the train hold?MACI. O, yes, and the poor lady is irrecoverably blown up.CAR. Why, but which of the munition is miscarried, ha?MACI. Imprimis, sir Puntarvolo; next, the Countenance and Resolution.CAR. How, how, for the love of wit?MACI. Troth, the Resolution is proved recreant; the Countenance hathchanged his copy; and the passionate knight is shedding funeral tears overhis departed dog.CAR. What! is his dog dead?MACI. Poison'd, 'tis thought; marry, how, or by whom, that's left for somecunning woman here o' the Bank-side to resolve. For my part, I knownothing more than that we are like to have an exceeding melancholy supperof it.CAR. 'Slife, and I had purposed to be extraordinarily merry, I had drunkoff a good preparative of old sack here; but will they come, will they come?MACI. They will assuredly come; marry, Carlo, as thou lov'st me, run over'em all freely to-night, and especially the knight; spare no sulphurousjest that may come out of that sweaty forge of thine; but ply them with allmanner of shot, minion, saker, culverin, or anything, what thou wilt.CAR. I warrant thee, my dear case of petrionels; so I stand not in dreadof thee, but that thou'lt second me.MACI. Why, my good German tapster, I will.CAR. What George! Lomtero, Lomtero, etc.[SINGS AND DANCES.RE-ENTER GEORGE.GEORGE. Did you call, master Carlo?CAR. More nectar, George: Lomtero, etc.GEORGE. Your meat's ready, sir, an your company were come.CAR. Is the loin pork enough?GEORGE. Ay, sir, it is enough.[EXIT.MACI. Pork! heart, what dost thou with such a greasy dish? I think thoudost varnish thy face with the fat on't, it looks so like a glue-pot.CAR. True, my raw-boned rogue, and if thou wouldst farce thy lean ribswith it too, they would not, like ragged laths, rub out so many doublets asthey do; but thou know'st not a good dish, thou. O, it's the onlynourishing meat in the world. No marvel though that saucy, stubborngeneration, the Jews, were forbidden it; for what would they have done,well pamper'd with fat pork, that durst murmur at their Maker out ofgarlick and onions? 'Slight! fed with it, the whoreson strummel-patch'd,goggle-eyed grumble-dories, would have gigantomachised —RE-ENTER GEORGE WITH WINE.Well said, my sweet George, fill, fill.MIT. This savours too much of profanation.COR. O — — Servetur ad imum,Qualis ab incoepto processerit, et sibi constet."The necessity of his vein compels a toleration, for; bar this, and dashhim out of humour before his time."CAR. "'Tis an axiom in natural philosophy, what comes nearest the natureof that it feeds, converts quicker to nourishment, and doth sooneressentiate." Now nothing in flesh and entrails assimilates or resemblesman more than a hog or swine.[DRINKS.MACI. True; and he, to requite their courtesy, oftentimes doffeth his ownnature, and puts on theirs; as when he becomes as churlish as a hog, or asdrunk as a sow; but to your conclusion.[DRINKS.CAR. Marry, I say, nothing resembling man more than a swine, it follows,nothing can be more nourishing; for indeed (but that it abhors from ournice nature) if we fed upon one another, we should shoot up a great dealfaster, and thrive much better; I refer me to your usurous cannibals, orsuch like; but since it is so contrary, pork, pork, is your only feed.MACI. I take it, your devil be of the same diet; he would never havedesired to have been incorporated into swine else. — O, here comes themelancholy mess; upon 'em, Carlo, charge, charge!ENTER PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, SOGLIARDO, AND FUNGOSO.CAR. 'Fore God, sir Puntarvolo, I am sorry for your heaviness: body o'me, a shrew'd mischance! why, had you no unicorn's horn, nor bezoar'sstone about you, ha?PUNT. Sir, I would request you be silent.MACI. Nay, to him again.CAR. Take comfort, good knight, if your cat have recovered her catarrh,fear nothing; your dog's mischance may be holpen.FAST. Say how, sweet Carlo; for, so God mend me, the poor knight's moansdraw me into fellowship of his misfortunes. But be not discouraged, goodsir Puntarvolo, I am content your adventure shall be performed upon yourcat.MACI. I believe you, musk-cod, I believe you; for rather than thouwould'st make present repayment, thou would'st take it upon his own barereturn from Calais[ASIDE.CAR. Nay, 'slife, he'd be content, so he were well rid out of his company,to pay him five for one, at his next meeting him in Paul's. [ASIDE TOMACILENTE.] — But for your dog, sir Puntarvolo, if he be not out-rightdead, there is a friend of mine, a quack-salver, shall put life in himagain, that's certain.FUNG. O, no, that comes too late.MACI. 'Sprecious! knight, will you suffer this?PUNT. Drawer, get me a candle and hard wax presently.[EXIT GEORGE.SOG. Ay, and bring up supper; for I am so melancholy.CAR. O, signior, where's your Resolution?SOG. Resolution! hang him, rascal: O, Carlo, if you love me, do notmention him.CAR. Why, how so?SOG. O, the arrantest crocodile that ever Christian was acquainted with.By my gentry, I shall think the worse of tobacco while I live, for hissake: I did think him to be as tall a man —MACI. Nay, Buffone, the knight, the knight[ASIDE TO CARLO.CAR. 'Slud, he looks like an image carved out of box, full of knots; hisface is, for all the world, like a Dutch purse, with the mouth downward,his beard the tassels; and he walks — let me see — as melancholy as oneo' the master's side in the Counter. — Do you hear, sir Puntarvolo?PUNT. Sir, I do entreat you, no more, but enjoin you to silence, as youaffect your peace.CAR. Nay, but dear knight, understand here are none but friends, and suchas wish you well, I would have you do this now; flay me your dog presently(but in any case keep the head) and stuff his skin well with straw, as yousee these dead monsters at Bartholomew fair.PUNT. I shall be sudden, I tell you.CAR. O, if you like not that, sir, get me somewhat a less dog, and clapinto the skin; here's a slave about the town here, a Jew, one Yohan: or afellow that makes perukes will glue it on artificially, it shall never bediscern'd; besides, 'twill be so much the warmer for the hound to travelin, you know.MACI. Sir Puntarvolo, death, can you be so patient!CAR. Or thus, sir; you may have, as you come through Germany, a familiarfor little or nothing, shall turn itself into the shape of your dog, or anything, what you will, for certain hours — [PUNTARVOLO STRIKES HIM] — Odsmy life, knight, what do you mean? you'll offer no violence, will you?hold, hold!RE-ENTER GEORGE, WITH WAX, AND A LIGHTED CANDLE.PUNT. 'Sdeath, you slave, you ban-dog, you!CAR. As you love wit, stay the enraged knight, gentlemen.PUNT. By my knighthood, he that stirs in his rescue, dies. — Drawer, begone![EXIT GEORGE.CAR. Murder, murder, murder!PUNT. Ay, are you howling, you wolf? — Gentlemen, as you tender yourlives, suffer no man to enter till my revenge be perfect. Sirrah, Buffone,lie down; make no exclamations, but down; down, you cur, or I will make thyblood flow on my rapier hilts.CAR. Sweet knight, hold in thy fury, and 'fore heaven I'll honour theemore than the Turk does Mahomet.PUNT. Down, I say! [CARLO LIES DOWN.] — Who's there?[KNOCKING WITHIN.CONS. [WITHIN.] Here's the constable, open the doors.CAR. Good Macilente —PUNT. Open no door; if the Adalantado of Spain were here he should notenter: one help me with the light, gentlemen; you knock in vain, sirofficer.CAR. 'Et tu, Brute!'PUNT. Sirrah, close your lips, or I will drop it in thine eyes, by heaven.CAR. O! O!CONS. [WITHIN] Open the door, or I will break it open.MACI. Nay, good constable, have patience a little; you shall come inpresently; we have almost done.[PUNTARVOLO SEALS UP CARLO'S LIPS.PUNT. So, now, are you Out of your Humour, sir? Shift, gentlemen[THEY ALL DRAW, AND RUN OUT, EXCEPT FUNGOSO, WHO CONCEALS HIMSELF BENEATHTHE TABLE.ENTER CONSTABLE AND OFFICERS, AND SEIZE FASTIDIOUS AS HE IS RUSHING BY.CONS. Lay hold upon this gallant, and pursue the rest.FAST. Lay hold on me, sir, for what?CONS. Marry, for your riot here, sir, with the rest of your companions.FAST. My riot! master constable, take heed what you do. Carlo, did Ioffer any violence?CONS. O, sir, you see he is not in case to answer you, and that makes youso peremptory.RE-ENTER GEORGE AND DRAWER.FAST. Peremptory! 'Slife, I appeal to the drawers, if I did him any hardmeasure.GEORGE. They are all gone, there's none of them will be laid any hold on.CONS. Well, sir, you are like to answer till the rest can be found out.FAST. 'Slid, I appeal to George here.CONS. Tut, George was not here: away with him to the Counter, sirs. —Come, sir, you were best get yourself drest somewhere.[EXEUNT CONST. AND OFFICERS, WITH FAST. AND CAR.GEORGE. Good lord, that master Carlo could not take heed, and knowing whata gentleman the knight is, if he be angry.DRAWER. A pox on 'em, they have left all the meat on our hands; would theywere choaked with it for me!RE-ENTER MACILENTE.MACI. What, are they gone, sirs?GEORGE. O, here's master Macilente.MACI. [POINTING TO FUNGOSO.] Sirrah, George, do you see that concealmentthere, that napkin under the table?GEORGE. 'Ods so, signior Fungoso!MACI. He's good pawn for the reckoning; be sure you keep him here, and lethim not go away till I come again, though he offer to discharge all; I'llreturn presently.GEORGE. Sirrah, we have a pawn for the reckoning.DRAW. What, of Macilente?GEORGE. No; look under the table.FUNG. [CREEPING OUT.] I hope all be quiet now; if I can get but forth ofthis street, I care not: masters, I pray you tell me, is the constablegone?GEORGE. What, master Fungoso!FUNG. Was't not a good device this same of me, sirs?GEORGE. Yes, faith; have you been here all this while?FUNG. O lord, ay; good sir, look an the coast be clear, I'd fain be going.GEORGE. All's clear, sir, but the reckoning; and that you must clear andpay before you go, I assure you.FUNG. I pay! 'Slight, I eat not a bit since I came into the house, yet.DRAW. Why, you may when you please, 'tis all ready below that was bespoken.FUNG. Bespoken! not by me, I hope?GEORGE. By you, sir! I know not that; but 'twas for you and your company,I am sure.FUNG. My company! 'Slid, I was an invited guest, so I was.DRAW. Faith we have nothing to do with that, sir: they are all gone butyou, and we must be answered; that's the short and the long on't.FUNG. Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my masters, then would thispot, cup, and all were in my belly, if I have a cross about me.GEORGE. What, and have such apparel! do not say so, signior; thatmightily discredits your clothes.FUNG. As I am an honest man, my tailor had all my money this morning, andyet I must be fain to alter my suit too. Good sirs, let me go, 'tis Fridaynight, and in good truth I have no stomach in the world to eat any thing.DRAW. That's no matter, so you pay, sir.FUNG. 'Slight, with what conscience can you ask me to pay that I neverdrank for?GEORGE. Yes, sir, I did see you drink once.FUNG. By this cup, which is silver, but you did not; you do me infinitewrong: I looked in the pot once, indeed, but I did not drink.DRAW. Well, sir, if you can satisfy our master, it shall be all one to us.WITHIN. George!GEORGE. By and by.[EXEUNT.COR. Lose not yourself now, signior
SCENE V. — A ROOM IN DELIRO'S HOUSE.ENTER MACILENTE AND DELIRO.MACI. Tut, sir, you did bear too hard a conceit of me in that; but I willnot make my love to you most transparent, in spite of any dust of suspicionthat may be raised to cloud it; and henceforth, since I see it is soagainst your humour, I will never labour to persuade you.DELI. Why, I thank you, signior; but what is that you tell me may concernmy peace so much?MACI. Faith, sir, 'tist hus. Your wife's brother, signior Fungoso, beingat supper to-night at a tavern, with a sort of gallants, there happenedsome division amongst them, and he is left in pawn for the reckoning. Now,if ever you look that time shall present you with an happy occasion to doyour wife some gracious and acceptable service, take hold of thisopportunity, and presently go and redeem him; for, being her brother, andhis credit so amply engaged as now it is, when she shall hear, (as hecannot himself, but he must out of extremity report it,) that you came, andoffered y ourself so kindly, and with that respect of his reputation; why, thebenefit cannot but make her dote, and grow mad of your affections.DELI. Now, by heaven, Macilente, I acknowledge myself exceedingly indebtedto you, by this kind tender of your love; and I am sorry to remember that Iwas ever so rude, to neglect a friend of your importance. — Bring me shoesand a cloak here. — I was going to bed, if you had not come. What tavernis it?MACI. The Mitre, sir.DELI. O! Why, Fido! my shoes. — Good faith, it cannot but please herexceedingly.ENTER FALLACE.FAL. Come, I marle what piece of night-work you have in hand now, that youcall for a cloak, and your shoes: What, is this your pander?DELI. O, sweet wife, speak lower, I would not he should hear thee for aworld —FAL. Hang him, rascal, I cannot abide him for his treachery, with his wildquick-set beard there. Whither go you now with him?DELI. No, whither with him, dear wife; I go alone to a place, from whenceI will return instantly. — Good Macilente, acquaint not her with it by anymeans, it may come so much the more accepted; frame some other answer. —I'll come back immediately.[EXIT.FAL. Nay, an I be not worthy to know whither you go, stay till I takeknowledge of your coming back.MACI. Hear you, mistress Deliro.FAL. So, sir, and what say you?MACI. Faith, lady, my intents will not deserve this slight respect, whenyou shall know them.FAL. Your intents! why, what may your intents be, for God's sake?MACI. Troth, the time allows no circumstance, lady, therefore know thiswas but a device to remove your husband hence, and bestow him securely,whilst, with more conveniency, I might report to you a misfortune that hathhappened to monsieur Brisk — Nay, comfort, sweet lady. This night, beingat supper, a sort of young gallants committed a riot, for the which he onlyis apprehended and carried to the Counter, where, if your husband, andother creditors, should but have knowledge of him, the poor gentleman wereundone for ever.FAL. Ah me! that he were.MACI. Now, therefore, if you can think upon any present means for hisdelivery, do not foreslow it. A bribe to the officer that committed himwill do it.FAL. O lord, sir! he shall not want for a bribe; pray you, will youcommend me to him, and say I'll visit him presently.MACI. No, lady, I shall do you better service, in protracting yourhusband's return, that you may go with more safety.FAL. Good truth, so you may; farewell, good sir. [EXIT MACI.] — Lord,how a woman may be mistaken in a man! I would have sworn upon all theTestaments in the world he had not loved master Brisk. Bring me my keysthere, maid. Alas, good gentleman, if all I have in this earthly worldwill pleasure him, it shall be at his service.[EXIT.MIT. How Macilente sweats in this business, if you mark him!COR. Ay, you shall see the true picture of spite, anon: here comes thepawn and his redeemer.
SCENE VI. — A ROOM AT THE MITRE.ENTER DELIRO, FUNGOSO, AND GEORGE.DELI. Come, brother, be not discouraged for this, man; what!FUNG. No, truly, I am not discouraged; but I protest to you, brother, Ihave done imitating any more gallants either in purse or apparel, but asshall become a gentleman, for good carriage, or so.DELI. You say well. — This is all in the bill here, is it not?GEORGE. Ay, sir.DELI. There's your money, tell it: and, brother, I am glad I met with sogood occasion to shew my love to you.FUNG. I will study to deserve it in good truth an I live.DELI. What, is it right?GEORGE. Ay, sir, and I thank you.FUNG. Let me have a capon's leg saved, now the reckoning is paid.GEORGE. You shall, sir[EXIT.ENTER MACILENTE.MACI. Where's signior Deliro?DELI. Here, Macilente.MACI. Hark you, sir, have you dispatch'd this same?DELI. Ay, marry have I.MACI. Well then, I can tell you news; Brisk is in the Counter.DELI. In the Counter!MACI. 'Tis true, sir, committed for the stir here to-night. Now would Ihave you send your brother home afore him, with the report of this yourkindness done him, to his sister, which will so pleasingly possess her, andout of his mouth too, that in the meantime you may clap your action onBrisk, and your wife, being in so happy a mood, cannot entertain it ill, byany means.DELI. 'Tis very true, she cannot, indeed, I think.MACI. Think! why 'tis past thought; you shall never meet the likeopportunity, I assure you.DELI. I will do it. — Brother, pray you go home afore (this gentleman andI have some private business), and tell my sweet wife I'll come presently.FUNG. I will, brother.MACI. And, signior, acquaint your sister, how liberally, and out of hisbounty, your brother has used you (do you see?), made you a man of goodreckoning; redeem'd that you never were possest of, credit; gave you asgentlemanlike terms as might be; found no fault with your coming behind thefashion; nor nothing.FUNG. Nay, I am out of those humours now.MACI. Well, if you be out, keep your distance, and be not made a shot-clogany more. — Come, signior, let's make haste.[EXEUNT.
SCENE VII. — THE COUNTER.ENTER FALLACE AND FASTIDIOUS BRISK.FAL. O, master Fastidious, what pity is it to see so sweet a man as youare, in so sour a place![KISSES HIM.COR. As upon her lips, does she mean?MIT. O, this is to be imagined the Counter, belike.FAST. Troth, fair lady, 'tis first the pleasure of the fates, and next ofthe constable, to have it so: but I am patient, and indeed comforted themore in your kind visit.FAL. Nay, you shall be comforted in me more than this, if you please, sir.I sent you word by my brother, sir, that my husband laid to 'rest you thismorning; I know now whether you received it or no.FAST. No, believe it, sweet creature, your brother gave me no suchintelligence.FAL. O, the lord!FAST. But has your husband any such purpose?FAL. O, sweet master Brisk, yes: and therefore be presently discharged,for if he come with his actions upon you, Lord deliver you! you are in forone half-a-score year; he kept a poor man in Ludgate once twelve year forsixteen shillings. Where's your keeper? for love's sake call him, let himtake a bribe, and despatch you. Lord, how my heart trembles! here are nospies, are there?FAST. No, sweet mistress. Why are you in this passion?FAL. O lord, master Fastidious, if you knew how I took up my husbandto-day, when he said he would arrest you; and how I railed at him thatpersuaded him to it, the scholar there (who, on my conscience, loves younow), and what care I took to send you intelligence by my brother; and howI gave him four sovereigns for his pains: and now, how I came running outhither without man or boy with me, so soon as I heard on't; you'd say Iwere in a passion indeed. Your keeper, for God's sake! O, master Brisk,as 'tis in 'Euphues', 'Hard is the choice, when one is compelled either bysilence to die with grief, or by speaking to live with shame'.FAST. Fair lady, I conceive you, and may this kiss assure you, that whereadversity hath, as it were, contracted, prosperity shall not — Od's me!your husband.ENTER DELIRO AND MACILENTE.FAL. O me!DELI. Ay! Is it thus?MACI. Why, how now, signior Deliro! has the wolf seen you, ha? HathGorgon's head made marble of you?DELI. Some planet strike me dead!MACI. Why, look you, sir, I told you, you might have suspected this longafore, had you pleased, and have saved this labour of admiration now, andpassion, and such extremities as this frail lump of flesh is subject unto.Nay, why do you not doat now, signior? methinks you should say it weresome enchantment, 'deceptio visus', or so, ha! If you could persuadeyourself it were a dream now, 'twere excellent: faith, try what you cando, signior: it may be your imagination will be brought to it in time;there's nothing impossible.FAL. Sweet husband!DELI. Out, lascivious strumpet![EXIT.MACI. What! did you see how ill that stale vein became him afore, of'sweet wife', and 'dear heart'; and are you fallen just into the same now,with 'sweet husband'! Away, follow him, go, keep state: what! rememberyou are a woman, turn impudent; give him not the head, though you give himthe horns. Away. And yet, methinks, you should take your leave of 'enfantperdu' here, your forlorn hope. [EXIT FAL.] — How now, monsieur Brisk?what! Friday night, and in affliction too, and yet your pulpamenta, yourdelicate morsels! I perceive the affection of ladies and gentlewomenpursues you wheresoever you go, monsieur.FAST. Now, in good faith, and as I am gentle, there could not have come athing in this world to have distracted me more, than the wrinkled fortunesof this poor dame.MACI. O yes, sir; I can tell you a think will distract you much better,believe it: Signior Deliro has entered three actions against you, threeactions, monsieur! marry, one of them (I'll put you in comfort) is butthree thousand, and the other two, some five thousand pound together:trifles, trifles.FAST. O, I am undone.MACI. Nay, not altogether so, sir; the knight must have his hundred poundrepaid, that will help too; and then six score pounds for a diamond, youknow where. These be things will weigh, monsieur, they will weigh.FAST. O heaven!MACI. What! do you sigh? this is to 'kiss the hand of a countess', to'have her coach sent for you', to 'hang poniards in ladies' garters', to'wear bracelets of their hair', and for every one of these great favours to'give some slight jewel of five hundred crowns, or so'; why, 'tis nothing.Now, monsieur, you see the plague that treads on the heels o' your foppery:well, go your ways in, remove yourself to the two-penny ward quickly, tosave charges, and there set up your rest to spend sir Puntarvolo's hundredpound for him. Away, good pomander, go![EXIT FASTIDIOUS.Why here's a change! now is my soul at peace:I am as empty of all envy now,As they of merit to be envied at.My humour, like a flame, no longer lastsThan it hath stuff to feed it; and their follyBeing now raked up in their repentant ashes,Affords no ampler subject to my spleen.I am so far from malicing their states,That I begin to pity them. It grieves meTo think they have a being. I could wishThey might turn wise upon it, and be saved now,So heaven were pleased; but let them vanish, vapours! —Gentlemen, how like you it? has't not been tedious?COR. Nay, we have done censuring now.MIT. Yes, faith.MACI. How so?COR. Marry, because we'll imitate your actors, and be out of our humours.Besides, here are those round about you of more ability in censure than we,whose judgments can give it a more satisfying allowance; we'll refer you tothem.[EXEUNT CORDATUS AND MITIS.MACI. [COMING FORWARD.] Ay, is it even so? — Well, gentlemen, I shouldhave gone in, and return'd to you as I was Asper at the first; but byreason the shift would have been somewhat long, and we are loth to drawyour patience farther, we'll entreat you to imagine it. And now, that youmay see I will be out of humour for company, I stand wholly to your kindapprobation, and indeed am nothing so peremptory as I was in the beginning:marry, I will not do as Plautus in his 'Amphytrio', for all this, 'summiJovis causa plaudite'; beg a plaudite for God's sake; but if you, out ofthe bounty of your good-liking, will bestow it, why, you may in time makelean Macilente as fat as sir John Falstaff.[EXIT.
THE EPILOGUEAT THEPRESENTATION BEFORE QUEEN ELIZABETHBY MACILENTE.Never till now did object greet mine eyesWith any light content: but in her gracesAll my malicious powers have lost their stings.Envy is fled from my soul at sight of her,And she hath chased all black thoughts from my bosom,Like as the sun doth darkness from the world,My stream of humour is run out of me,And as our city's torrent, bent t'infectThe hallow'd bowels of the silver Thames,Is check'd by strength and clearness of the river,Till it hath spent itself even at the shore;So in the ample and unmeasured floodOf her perfections, are my passions drown'd;And I have now a spirit as sweet and clearAs the more rarefied and subtle air: —With which, and with a heart as pure as fire,Yet humble as the earth, do I implore[KNEELS.O heaven, that She, whose presence hath effectedThis change in me, may suffer most late changeIn her admired and happy government:May still this Island be call'd Fortunate,And rugged Treason tremble at the sound,When Fame shall speak it with an emphasis.Let foreign polity be dull as lead,And pale Invasion come with half a heart,When he but looks upon her blessed soil.The throat of War be stopt within her land,And turtle-footed Peace dance fairy ringsAbout her court; where never may there comeSuspect or danger, but all trust and safety.Let Flattery be dumb, and Envy blindIn her dread presence; Death himself admire her;And may her virtues make him to forgetThe use of his inevitable hand.Fly from her, Age; sleep, Time, before her throne;Our strongest wall falls down, when she is gone.