ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Vovo, Vovo, leave off!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Isn't it like? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT.That's just so. It's very resemblant.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Vovo, leave off, I tell you!
SECOND PEASANT.What's it all about?
THIRD PEASANT.I said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile!
Enter Doctor and Gregory.
DOCTOR.What's the matter? What's happened?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now, how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor—and here are people from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of diphtheria, right in my house!
DOCTOR.These good fellows you mean, I suppose?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place!
DOCTOR.Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash; but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.But don't you yourself advise carefulness?
DOCTOR.Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house completely disinfected.
DOCTOR.Oh no! Why completely? That would cost300 roubles or more. I'll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of water …
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Boiled?
DOCTOR.It's all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows themselves, they must be off, of course. That's all. Then you're quite safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution through a spray—two or three tumblers—you'll see how well it will act. No danger whatever!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Tánya! Where is Tánya?
Enter Tánya.
TÁNYA.Did you call, M'm?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.You know that big bottle in my dressing-room?
TÁNYA.Out of which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well then, take that bottle and first wash with soap the place where they have been standing, and then with …
TÁNYA.Yes, M'm; I know how.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.And then take the spray … However, I had better do that myself when I get back.
DOCTOR.Well then, do so, and don't be afraid! Well,au revoirtill this evening. [Exit].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain! Get out, get out! Go—what are you looking at?
FIRST PEASANT.That's just so. It's because of our stupidity, as we were instructed …
GREGORY[pushes the Peasants out] There, there; be off!
SECOND PEASANT.Let me have my handkerchief back! [The handkerchief in which the presents were wrapped].
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord, oh Lord! didn't I say—some lodging-house meanwhile!
Gregory pushes him out. Exeunt Peasants.
PORTER[who has repeatedly tried to say something] Will there be any answer?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Ah, from Bourdier? [Excitedly] None! None! You can take it back. I told her I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow my daughter to wear it!
PORTER.I know nothing about it. I was sent …
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH[solemnly] Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart!
PORTER.I might have been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly five hours!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Ambassador from Bourdier, begone!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Cease, please!
Exit Porter.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH[shouting at the top of his voice] Betsy! Petrístchef! Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What?
Enter Petrístchef, Betsy, and Márya Konstantínovna.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.You always keep one waiting!
BETSY.On the contrary, I was waiting for you!
Petrístchef bows with his head only, then kisses Anna Pávlovna's hand.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.How d'you do! [To Betsy] You always have an answer ready!
BETSY.If you are upset, mamma, I had better not go.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Are we going or not?
BETSY.Well, let us go; it can't be helped.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Did you see the man from Bourdier?
BETSY.Yes, and I was very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to wear it when it is paid for.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent!
BETSY.Why has it become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have a fit of prudery.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely altered, then it would do.
BETSY.Mamma, that is quite impossible.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Well, get dressed. [They sit down. Gregory puts on their over-shoes for them].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Márya Konstantínovna, do you notice a vacuum in the hall?
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA.What is it? [Laughs in anticipation].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Bourdier's man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh? [Laughs loudly].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Well, let us go. [Goes out of the door, but returns at once] Tánya!
TÁNYA.Yes, M'm?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Don't let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants to be let out, put on her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well to-day.
TÁNYA.Yes, M'm.
Exeunt Anna Pávlovna, Betsy, and Gregory.
PETRÍSTCHEF.Well, have you got it?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed at the gov'nor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the mater—I got it out of her. It's here! [Slaps his breast pocket] If once I make up my mind, there's no getting away from me. I have a deadly grip! Eh, what? And d'you know, my wolf-hounds are coming to-day.
Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch put on their outdoor things and go out. Tánya follows.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[alone] Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it they can't live in peace? But one must say the new generation are not—the thing. Andas to the women's dominion!… Why, Leoníd Fyódoritch just now was going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy she was in—slammed the door behind him. He is a wonderfully kind-hearted man. Yes, wonderfully kind. What's this? Here's Tánya bringing them back again!
TÁNYA.Come in, come in, grand-dads, never mind!
Enter Tánya and the Peasants.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Why have you brought them back?
TÁNYA.Well, Theodore Ivánitch, we must do something about their business. I shall have to wash the place anyhow.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.But the business will not come off, I see that already.
FIRST PEASANT.How could we best put our affair into action, respected sir? Your reverence might take a little trouble over it, and we should give you full thankings from the Commune for your trouble.
THIRD PEASANT.Do try, honey! We can't live! We have so little land. Talk of cattle—why, we have no room to keep a hen! [They bow].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.I am sorry for you, friends, but I can't think of any way to help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused. So what can one do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me your papers—I'll try and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to succeed. [Exit].
Tánya and the three Peasants sigh.
TÁNYA.But tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted?
FIRST PEASANT.Why, only that he should put his signature to our document.
TÁNYA.That the master should sign? Is that all?
FIRST PEASANT.Yes, only lay his signature on the deed and take the money, and there would be an end of the matter.
THIRD PEASANT.He only has to write and sign, as the peasants, let's say, desire, so, let's say, I also desire. That's the whole affair—if he'd only take it and sign it, it's all done.
TÁNYA[considering] He need only sign the paper and it's done?
FIRST PEASANT.That's just so. The whole matter is in dependence on that, and nothing else. Let him sign, and we ask no more.
TÁNYA.Just wait and see what Theodore Ivánitch will say. If he cannot persuade the master, I'll try something.
FIRST PEASANT.Get round him, will you?
TÁNYA.I'll try.
THIRD PEASANT.Ay, the lass is going to bestir herself. Only get the thing settled, and the Commune will bind itself to keep you all your life. See there, now!
FIRST PEASANT.If the affair can be put into action, truly we might put her in a gold frame.
SECOND PEASANT.That goes without saying!
TÁNYA.I can't promise for certain, but as the saying is: “An attempt is no sin, if you try …”
FIRST PEASANT.“You may win.” That's just so.
Enter Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.No, friends, it's no go! He has not done it, and he won't do it. Here, take your document. You may go.
FIRST PEASANT[gives Tánya the paper] Then it's on you we pin all our reliance, for example.
TÁNYA.Yes, yes! You go into the street, and I'll run out to you in a minute and have a word with you.
Exeunt Peasants.
TÁNYA.Theodore Ivánitch, dear Theodore Ivánitch, ask the master to come out and speak to me for a moment. I have something to say to him.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.What next?
TÁNYA.I must, Theodore Ivánitch. Ask him, do; there's nothing wrong about it, on my sacred word.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.But what do you want with him?
TÁNYA.That's a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[smiling] I can't think what you are up to! All right, I'll go and ask him. [Exit].
TÁNYA.I'll do it! Didn't he say himself that there is that power in Simon? And I know how to manage. No one found me out that time, and now I'll teach Simon what to do. If it doesn't succeed it's no great matter. After all it's not a sin.
Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch followed by Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[smiling] Is this the petitioner? Well, what is your business?
TÁNYA.It's a little secret, Leoníd Fyódoritch; let me tell it you alone.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute.
Exit Theodore Ivánitch.
TÁNYA.As I have grown up and lived in your house, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and as I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart to you as to a father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to marry me.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.So that's it!
TÁNYA.I open my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise me, being an orphan.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad.
TÁNYA.Yes, that's true. He would be all right; there is only one thing I have my doubts about. It's something about him that I have noticed and can't make out … perhaps it is something bad.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.What is it? Does he drink?
TÁNYA.God forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as spiritalism …
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Ah, you know that?
TÁNYA.Of course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through ignorance, don't understand it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Well, what then?
TÁNYA.I am very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.What happens to him?
TÁNYA.Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the servants. As soon as he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to tremble, and creak like that:tuke, … tuke! All the servants have heard it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Why, it's the very thing I was saying to Sergéy Ivánitch this morning! Yes?…
TÁNYA.Or else … when was it?… Oh yes, last Wednesday. We sat down to dinner, and the spoon just jumps into his hand of itself!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When he was drowsing?
TÁNYA.That I didn't notice. I think he was, though.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes?…
TÁNYA.And that's what I'm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you about. May not some harm come of it? To live one's life together, and him having such a thing in him!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[smiling] No, you need not be afraid, there is nothing bad in that. It only proves him to be amedium—simply a medium. I knew him to be a medium before this.
TÁNYA.So that's what it is! And I was afraid!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.No, there's nothing to be afraid of. [Aside]. That's capital! Kaptchítch can't come, so we will test him to-night.… [To Tánya] No, my dear, don't be afraid, he will be a good husband and … that is only a kind of special power, and every one has it, only in some it is weaker and in others stronger.
TÁNYA.Thank you, sir. Now I shan't think any moreabout it; but I was so frightened.… What a thing it is, our want of education!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.No, no, don't be frightened… Theodore!
Enter Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.I am going out now. Get everything ready for to-night's séance.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.But Mr. Kaptchítch is not coming.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.That does not matter. [Puts on overcoat] We shall have a trial séance with our own medium. [Exit. Theodore Ivánitch goes out with him].
TÁNYA[alone] He believes it! He believes it! [Shrieks and jumps with joy] He really believes it! Isn't it wonderful! [Shrieks] Now I'll do it, if only Simon has pluck for it!
Theodore Ivánitch returns.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Well, have you told him your secret?
TÁNYA.I'll tell you too, only later on.… But I have a favour to ask of you too, Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Yes? What is it?
TÁNYA[shyly] You have been a second father to me, and I will open my heart before you as before God.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Don't beat about the bush, but come straight to the point.
TÁNYA.The point is … well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry me.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Is that it? I thought I noticed …
TÁNYA.Well, why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know yourself how matters are in these town establishments. Every one comes bothering; there's that Gregory Miháylitch, for instance, he gives me no peace. And also that other one … you know. They think I have no soul, and am only here for their amusement.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Good girl, that's right! Well, what then?
TÁNYA.Well, Simon wrote to his father; and he, hisfather, sees me to-day, and says: “He's spoilt”—he means his son. Theodore Ivánitch [bows], take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,—to Simon's father! I could take them into the kitchen, and you might come in and speak to the old man!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[smiling] Then I am to turn match-maker—am I? Well, I can do that.
TÁNYA.Theodore Ivánitch, dearest, be a father to me, and I'll pray for you all my life long.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.All right, all right, I'll come later on. Haven't I promised? [Takes up newspaper].
TÁNYA.You are a second father to me!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.All right, all right.
TÁNYA.Then I'll rely on you. [Exit].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[alone, shaking his head] A good affectionate girl. To think that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and she'll go from hand to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can never be found again! There was that dear little Nataly. She, too, was a good girl, reared and cared for by a mother. [Takes up paper] Well, let's see what tricks Ferdinand is up to in Bulgaria.
Curtain.
Evening of the same day. The scene represents the interior of the servants' kitchen. The Peasants have taken off their outer garments and sit drinking tea at the table, and perspiring. Theodore Ivánitch is smoking a cigar at the other side of the stage. The discharged Cook is lying on the brick oven, and is unseen during the early part of the scene.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.My advice is, don't hinder him! If it's his wish and hers, in Heaven's name let him do it. She is a good, honest girl. Never mind her being a bit dressy; she can't help that, living in town: she is a good girl all the same.
SECOND PEASANT.Well, of course, if it is his wish, let him!He'llhave to live with her, not me. But she's certainly uncommon spruce. How's one to take her into one's hut? Why, she'll not let her mother-in-law so much as pat her on the head.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.That does not depend on the spruceness, but on character. If her nature is good, she's sure to be docile and respectful.
SECOND PEASANT.Ah, well, we'll have her if the lad's bent on having her. After all, it's a bad job to live with one as one don't care for. I'll consult my missus, and then may Heaven bless them!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Then let's shake hands on it!
SECOND PEASANT.Well, it seems it will have to come off.
FIRST PEASANT.Eh, Zachary! fortune's a-smiling on you! You've come to accomplish a piece of business, and just see what a duchess of a daughter-in-law you've obtained.All that's left to be done is to have a drink on it, and then it will be all in order.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.That's not at all necessary. [An awkward silence].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.I know something of your way of life too, you know. I am even thinking of purchasing a bit of land, building a cottage, and working on the land myself somewhere: maybe in your neighbourhood.
SECOND PEASANT.A very good thing too.
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it. When one has got the money one can get all kinds of pleasure in the country.
THIRD PEASANT.Say no more about it! Country life, let's say, is freer in every way, not like the town!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.There now, would you let me join your Commune if I settled among you?
SECOND PEASANT.Why not? If you stand drink for the Elders, they'll accept you soon enough!
FIRST PEASANT.And if you open a public-house, for example, or an inn, why, you'd have such a life you'd never need to die! You might live like a king, and no mistake.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Well, we'll see. I should certainly like to have a few quiet years in my old age. Though my life here is good enough, and I should be sorry to leave. Leoníd Fyódoritch is an exceedingly kind-hearted man.
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it. But how about our business? Is it possible that he is going to leave it without any termination?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.He'd do it willingly.
SECOND PEASANT.It seems he's afraid of his wife.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.It's not that he's afraid, but they don't hit things off together.
THIRD PEASANT.But you should try, father! How are we to live else? We've so little land …
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.We'll see what comes of Tánya's attempt. She's taken the business into her hands now!
THIRD PEASANT[takes a sip of tea] Father, be merciful. We've so little land. A hen, let's say, we've no room for a hen, let alone the cattle.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.If the business depended on me.… [To Second Peasant] Well, friend, so we've done our bit of match-making! It's agreed then about Tánya?
SECOND PEASANT.I've given my word, and I'll not go back on it without a good reason. If only our business succeeds!
Enter Servants' Cook who looks up at the oven, makes a sign, and then begins to speak animatedly to Theodore Ivánitch.
SERVANTS' COOK.Just now Simon was called upstairs from the front kitchen! The master and that other bald-headed one who calls up spirits with him, ordered him to sit down and take the place of Kaptchítch!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.You don't say so!
SERVANTS' COOK.Yes, Jacob told Tánya.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Extraordinary!
Enter Coachman.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.What do you want?
COACHMAN[to Theodore Ivánitch] You may just tell them I never agreed to live with a lot of dogs! Let any one who likes do it, but I will never agree to live among dogs!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.What dogs?
COACHMAN.Three dogs have been sent into our room by Vasíly Leoníditch! They've messed it all over. They're whining, and if one comes near them they bite—the devils! They'd tear you to pieces if you didn't mind. I've a good mind to take a club and smash their legs for them!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.But when did they come?
COACHMAN.Why, to-day, from the Dog Show; the devil knows what kind they are, but they're an expensive sort. Are we or the dogs to live in the coachmen's quarters? You just go and ask!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Yes, that will never do. I'll go and ask about it.
COACHMAN.They'd better be brought here toLoukérya.
SERVANTS' COOK[angrily] People have to eat here, and you'd like to lock dogs in here! As it is …
COACHMAN.And I've got the liveries, and the sledge-covers and the harness there, and they expect things kept clean! Perhaps the porter's lodge might do.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.I must ask Vasíly Leoníditch.
COACHMAN[angrily] He'd better hang the brutes round his neck and lug them about with him! But no fear: he'd rather ride on horseback himself. It's he as spoilt Beauty without rhyme or reason. That was a horse!… Oh dear! what a life! [Exit, slamming door].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.That's not right! Certainly not right! [To Peasants] Well then, it's time we were saying good-bye, friends.
PEASANTS.Good-bye!
Exit Theodore Ivánitch.
As soon as he is gone a sound of groaning is heard from the top of the oven.
SECOND PEASANT.He's sleek, that one; looks like a general.
SERVANTS' COOK.Rather! Why, he has a room all to himself; he gets his washing, his tea and sugar, and food from the master's table.
DISCHARGED COOK[on the oven]. Why shouldn't the old beggar live well? He's lined his pockets all right!
SECOND PEASANT.Who's that up there, on the oven?
SERVANTS' COOK.Oh, it's only a man.
Silence.
FIRST PEASANT.Well, and you too, as I noticed a while since when you were supping, have capital food to eat.
SERVANTS' COOK.We can't complain. She's not mean about the food. We have wheat bread every Sunday, and fish when a holiday happens to be a fast-day too, and those who like may eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT.And does any one tuck into flesh on fast-days?
SERVANTS' COOK.Oh, they nearly all do! Only the old coachman—not the one who was here just now but the old one—and Simon, and I and the housekeeper, fast—all the others eat meat.
SECOND PEASANT.And the master himself?
SERVANTS' COOK.Catch him! Why, I bet he's forgotten there is such a thing as fasting!
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord!
FIRST PEASANT.That's the gentlefolks' way: they have got it all out of their books. 'Cos of their intelex!
THIRD PEASANT.Shouldn't wonder if they feed on wheat bread every day!
SERVANTS' COOK.Wheat bread indeed! Much they think of wheat bread! You should see what food they eat. No end of different things!
FIRST PEASANT.In course gentlefolks' food is of an airial kind.
SERVANTS' COOK.Airial, of course, but all the same they're good at stuffing themselves, they are!
FIRST PEASANT.Have healthy appekites, so to say.
SERVANTS' COOK.'Cos they always rinse it down! All with sweet wines, and spirits, and fizzy liquors. They have a different one to suit every kind of food. They eat and rinse it down, and eat and rinse it down, they do.
FIRST PEASANT.And so the food's floated down in proportion, so to say.
SERVANTS' COOK.Ah yes, they are good at stuffing! It's awful! You see, it's not just sitting down, eating, then saying grace and going away—they're always at it!
SECOND PEASANT.Like pigs with their feet in the trough! [Peasants laugh].
SERVANTS' COOK.As soon as, by God's grace, they have opened their eyes, the samovár is brought in—tea, coffee, chocolate. Hardly is the second samovár emptied, a thirdhas to be set. Then lunch, then dinner, then again coffee. They've hardly left off, then comes tea, and all sorts of tit-bits and sweetmeats—there's never an end to it! They even lie in bed and eat!
THIRD PEASANT.There now; that's good! [Laughs].
FIRST AND SECOND PEASANTS.What are you about?
THIRD PEASANT.If I could only live a single day like that!
SECOND PEASANT.But when do they do their work?
SERVANTS' COOK.Work indeed! What is their work? Cards and piano—that's all their work. The young lady used to sit down to the piano as soon as she opened her eyes, and off she'd go! And that other one who lives here, the teacher, stands and waits. “When will the piano be free?” When one has finished, off rattles the other, and sometimes they'd put two pianos near one another and four of 'em would bust out at once. Bust out in such a manner, you could hear 'em down here!
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK.Well, and that's all the work they do! Piano or cards! As soon as they have met together—cards, wine, smoking, and so on all night long. And as soon as they are up: eating again!
Enter Simon.
SIMON.Hope you're enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT.Come and join us.
SIMON[comes up to the table] Thank you kindly. [First Peasant pours out a cup of tea for him].
SECOND PEASANT.Where have you been?
SIMON.Upstairs.
SECOND PEASANT.Well, and what was being done there?
SIMON.Why, I couldn't make it out at all! I don't know how to explain it.
SECOND PEASANT.But what was it?
SIMON.I can't explain it. They have been trying some kind of strength in me. I can't make it out. Tánya says,“Do it, and we'll get the land for our peasants; he'll sell it them.”
SECOND PEASANT.But how is she going to manage it?
SIMON.I can't make it out, and she won't say. She says, “Do as I tell you,” and that's all.
SECOND PEASANT.But what is it you have to do?
SIMON.Nothing just now. They made me sit down, put out the lights and told me to sleep. And Tánya had hidden herself there. They didn't see her, but I did.
SECOND PEASANT.Why? What for?
SIMON.The Lord only knows—I can't make it out.
FIRST PEASANT.Naturally it is for the distraction of time.
SECOND PEASANT.Well, it's clear you and I can make nothing of it. You had better tell me whether you have taken all your wages yet.
SIMON.No, I've not drawn any. I have twenty-eight roubles to the good, I think.
SECOND PEASANT.That's all right! Well, if God grants that we get the land, I'll take you home, Simon.
SIMON.With all my heart!
SECOND PEASANT.You've got spoilt, I should say. You'll not want to plough?
SIMON.Plough? Only give me the chance! Plough or mow,—I'm game. Those are things one doesn't forget.
FIRST PEASANT.But it don't seem very desirous after town life, for example? Eh!
SIMON.It's good enough for me. One can live in the country too.
FIRST PEASANT.And Daddy Mítry here, is already on the look-out for your place; he's hankering after a life of luckshury!
SIMON.Eh, Daddy Mítry, you'd soon get sick of it. It seems easy enough when one looks at it, but there's a lot of running about that takes it out of one.
SERVANTS' COOK.You should see one of their balls, Daddy Mítry, then you would be surprised!
THIRD PEASANT.Why, do they eat all the time?
SERVANTS' COOK.My eye! You should have seen what we had here awhile ago. Theodore Ivánitch took me upstairs and I peeped in. The ladies—awful! Dressed up! Dressed up, bless my heart, and all bare down to here, and their arms bare.
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord!
SECOND PEASANT.Faugh! How beastly!
FIRST PEASANT.I take it the climate allows of that sort of thing!
SERVANTS' COOK.Well, daddy, so I peeped in. Dear me, what it was like! All of 'em in their natural skins! Would you believe it: old women—our mistress, only think, she's a grandmother, and even she'd gone and bared her shoulders.
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord!
SERVANTS' COOK.And what next? The music strikes up, and each man of 'em went up to his own, catches hold of her, and off they go twirling round and round!
SECOND PEASANT.The old women too?
SERVANTS' COOK.Yes, the old ones too.
SIMON.No, the old ones sit still.
SERVANTS' COOK.Get along,—I've seen it myself!
SIMON.No they don't.
DISCHARGED COOK[in a hoarse voice, looking down from the oven] That's the Polka-Mazurka. You fools don't understand what dancing is. The way they dance …
SERVANTS' COOK.Shut up, you dancer! And keep quiet—there's some one coming.
Enter Gregory; old Cook hides hurriedly.
GREGORY[to Servants' Cook] Bring some sour cabbage.
SERVANTS' COOK.I am only just up from the cellar, and now I must go down again! Who is it for?
GREGORY.For the young ladies. Be quick, and send it up with Simon. I can't wait!
SERVANTS' COOK.There now, they tuck into sweetmeatstill they are full up, and then they crave for sour cabbage!
FIRST PEASANT.That's to make a clearance.
SERVANTS' COOK.Of course, and as soon as there is room inside, they begin again! [Takes basin, and exit].
GREGORY[at Peasants] Look at them, how they've established themselves down here! Mind, if the mistress finds it out she'll give it you hot, like she did this morning! [Exit, laughing].
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it, she did raise a storm that time—awful!
SECOND PEASANT.That time it looked as if the master was going to step in, but seeing that the missus was about to blow the very roof off the house, he slams the door. Have your own way, thinks he.
THIRD PEASANT[waving his arm] It's the same everywhere. My old woman, let's say, she kicks up such a rumpus sometimes—it's just awful! Then I just get out of the hut. Let her go to Jericho! She'll give you one with the poker if you don't mind. Oh Lord!
Jacob enters hurriedly with a prescription.
JACOB.Here, Simon, you run to the chemist's and get these powders for the mistress!
SIMON.But master told me not to go out.
JACOB.You've plenty of time; your business won't begin till after their tea. Hope you are enjoying your tea!
FIRST PEASANT.Thanks, come and join us.
Exit Simon.
JACOB.I haven't time. However, I'll just have one cup for company's sake.
FIRST PEASANT.And we've just been having a conversation as to how your mistress carried on so haughty this morning.
JACOB.Oh, she's a reg'lar fury! So hot-tempered, that she gets quite beside herself. Sometimes she even bursts out crying.
FIRST PEASANT.Now, there's a thing I wanted to ask you about. What, for example, be these mikerots she was illuding to erewhile? “They've infested the house with mikerots, with mikerots,” she says. What is one to make of these same mikerots?
JACOB.Mikerogues, you mean! Well, it seems there is such a kind of bugs; all illnesses come from them, they say. So she says there are some of 'em on you. After you were gone, they washed and washed and sprinkled the place where you had stood. There's a kind of physic as kills these same bugs, they say.
SECOND PEASANT.Then where have we got these bugs on us?
JACOB[drinking his tea] Why, they say they're so small that one can't see 'em even through a glass.
SECOND PEASANT.Then how does she know I've got 'em on me? Perhaps there's more of that muck on her than on me!
JACOB.There now, you go and ask her!
SECOND PEASANT.I believe it's humbug.
JACOB.Of course it's bosh. The doctors must invent something, or else what are they paid for? There's one comes to us every day. Comes,—talks a bit,—and pockets ten roubles!
SECOND PEASANT.Nonsense!
JACOB.Why, there's one as takes a hundred!
FIRST PEASANT.A hundred? Humbug!
JACOB.A hundred. Humbug, you say? Why, if he has to go out of town, he'll not do it for less than a thousand! “Give a thousand,” he says, “or else you may kick the bucket for what I care!”
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord!
SECOND PEASANT.Then does he know some charm?
JACOB.I suppose he must. I served at a General's outside Moscow once: a cross, terrible proud old fellow he was—just awful. Well, this General's daughter fell ill. They send for that doctor at once. “A thousand roubles,then I'll come.” Well, they agreed, and he came. Then they did something or other he didn't like, and he bawled out at the General and says, “Is this the way you show your respect for me? Then I'll not attend her!” And, oh my! The old General forgot all his pride, and starts wheedling him in every way not to chuck up the job!
FIRST PEASANT.And he got the thousand?
JACOB.Of course!
SECOND PEASANT.That's easy got money. What wouldn't a peasant do with such a sum!
THIRD PEASANT.And I think it's all bosh. That time my foot was festering I had it doctored ever so long. I spent nigh on five roubles on it,—then I gave up doctoring, and it got all right!
Discharged Cook on the oven coughs.
JACOB.Ah, the old crony is here again!
FIRST PEASANT.Who might that man be?
JACOB.He used to be our master's cook. He comes to see Loukérya.
FIRST PEASANT.Kitchen-master, as one might say. Then, does he live here?
JACOB.No, they won't allow that. He's here one day, there another. If he's got a copper he goes to a dosshouse; but when he has drunk all, he comes here.
SECOND PEASANT.How did he come to this?
JACOB.Simply grew weak. And what a man he used to be—like a gentleman! Went about with a gold watch; got forty roubles a month wages. And now look at him! He'd have starved to death long ago if it hadn't been for Loukérya.
Enter Servants' Cook with the sour cabbage.
JACOB[to Servants' Cook] I see you've got Paul Petróvitch here again?
SERVANTS' COOK.And where's he to go to? Is he to go and freeze?
THIRD PEASANT.What liquor does.… Liquor, let's say … [Clicks his tongue sympathetically].
SECOND PEASANT.Of course. A firm man's firm as a rock; a weak man's weaker than water.
DISCHARGED COOK[gets off the oven with trembling hands and legs] Loukérya, I say, give us a drop!
SERVANTS' COOK.What are you up to? I'll give you such a drop!…
DISCHARGED COOK.Have you no conscience? I'm dying! Brothers, a copper …
SERVANTS' COOK.Get back on the oven, I tell you!
DISCHARGED COOK.Half a glass only, cook, for Heaven's sake! I say, do you understand? I ask you in the name of Heaven, now!
SERVANTS' COOK.Come along, here's some tea for you.
DISCHARGED COOK.Tea; what is tea? Weak, sloppy stuff. A little vódka—just one little drop … Loukérya!
THIRD PEASANT.Poor old soul, what agony it is!
SECOND PEASANT.You'd better give him some.
SERVANTS' COOK[gets out a bottle and fills a wine-glass] Here you are; you'll get no more.
DISCHARGED COOK[clutches hold of it and drinks, trembling all over] Loukérya, Cook! I am drinking, and you must understand …
SERVANTS' COOK.Now then, stop your chatter! Get on to the oven, and let not a breath of you be heard! [The old Cook meekly begins to climb up, muttering something to himself].
SECOND PEASANT.What it is, when a man gives way to his weakness!
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it—human weakness.
THIRD PEASANT.That goes without saying.
The Discharged Cook settles down, muttering all the time. Silence.
SECOND PEASANT.I want to ask you something: that girl of Aksínya's as comes from our village and is livinghere. How is she? What is she like? How is she living—I mean, does she live honest?
JACOB.She's a nice girl; one can say nothing but good of her.
SERVANTS' COOK.I'll tell you straight, daddy; I know this here establishment out and out, and if you mean to have Tánya for your son's wife—be quick about it, before she comes to grief, or else she'll not escape!
JACOB.Yes, that's true. A while ago we had a girl here, Nataly. She was a good girl too. And she was lost without rhyme or reason. No better than that chap! [Pointing to the old Cook].
SERVANTS' COOK.There's enough to dam a mill-pool, with the likes of us, as perish! 'Cos why, every one is tempted by the easy life and the good food. And see there,—as soon as one has tasted the good food she goes and slips. And once she's slipped, they don't want her, but get a fresh one in her place. So it was with dear little Nataly; she also slipped, and they turned her out. She had a child and fell ill, and died in the hospital last spring. And what a girl she used to be!
THIRD PEASANT.Oh Lord! People are weak; they ought to be pitied.
DISCHARGED COOK.Those devils pity? No fear! [He hangs his legs down from the oven] I have stood roasting myself by the kitchen range for thirty years, and now that I am not wanted, I may go and die like a dog.… Pity indeed!…
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it. It's the old circumstances.
SECOND PEASANT.