Laughter, and whispers.
SAHÁTOF.That is quite comprehensible and correct; but if, as you are kind enough to inform us, the plunging of the medium into a trance produces perturbations of the spiritual ether, allow me to ask why (as is usually supposed to be the case in spiritualistic séances) these perturbations result in an activity on the part of the souls of dead people?
PROFESSOR.It is because the molecules of this spiritual ether are nothing but the souls of the living, the dead, and the unborn, and any vibration of the spiritual ether must inevitably cause a certain vibration of its atoms. These atoms are nothing but human souls, which enter into communication with one another by means of these movements.
FAT LADY[to Sahátof] What is it that puzzles you? It is so simple.… Thank you so, so much!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.I think everything has now been explained, and that we may commence.
DOCTOR.The fellow is in a perfectly normal condition: temperature 37 decimal 2, pulse 74.
PROFESSOR[takes out his pocket-book and notes this down] What I have just had the honour of explaining will be confirmed by the fact, which we shall presently have an opportunity of observing, that after the medium has been thrown into a trance his temperature and pulse will inevitably rise, just as occurs in cases of hypnotism.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, yes. But excuse me a moment. I should like to reply to Sergéy Ivánitch's question: How do we know we are in communication with the souls of the dead? We know it because the spirit that appears, plainly tells us—as simply as I am speaking to you—who he is, and why he has come, and whether all is well with him! At our last séance a Spaniard, Don Castillos, came to us, and he told us everything. He told us who he was, and when he died, and that he was suffering for having taken part in the Inquisition. He even told us what was happening to him at the very time that he was speaking to us, namely, that at the very time he was talking to us he had to be born again on earth, and, therefore, could not continue his conversation with us.… But you'll see for yourselves …
FAT LADY[interrupting] Oh, how interesting! Perhaps the Spaniard was born in one of our houses and is a baby now!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Quite possibly.
PROFESSOR.I think it is time we began.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.I was only going to say …
PROFESSOR.It is getting late.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Very well. Then we will commence. Antón Borísitch, be so good as to hypnotise the medium.
GROSSMAN.What method would you like me to use? There are several methods. There is Braid's system, there is the Egyptian symbol, and there is Charcot's system.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[to the Professor] I think it is quite immaterial.
PROFESSOR.Quite.
GROSSMAN.Then I will make use of my own method, which I showed in Odessa.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.If you please!
Grossman waves his arms above Simon. Simon closes his eyes and stretches himself.
GROSSMAN[looking closely at him] He is falling asleep! He is asleep! A remarkably rapid occurrence of hypnosis. The subject has evidently already reached a state of anæsthesia. He is remarkable,—an unusually impressionable subject, and might be subjected to interesting experiments!… [Sits down, rises, sits down again] Now one might run a needle into his arm. If you like …
PROFESSOR[to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice how the medium's trance acts on Grossman? He is beginning to vibrate.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, yes … can the lights be extinguished now?
SAHÁTOF.But why is darkness necessary?
PROFESSOR.Darkness? Because it is a condition of the manifestation of mediumistic energy, just as a given temperature is a condition necessary for certain manifestations of chemical or dynamic energy.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.But not always. Manifestations have been observed by me, and by many others, both by candlelight and daylight.
PROFESSOR[interrupting] May the lights be put out?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, certainly. [Puts out candles] Ladies and gentlemen! attention, if you please.
Tánya gets from under the sofa and takes hold of a thread tied to a chandelier.
PETRÍSTCHEF.I like that Spaniard! Just in the midst of a conversation—off he goes head downwards … as the French say:piquer une tête.[13]
BETSY.You just wait a bit, and see what will happen!
PETRÍSTCHEF.I have only one fear, and that is that Vovo may be moved by the spirit to grunt like a pig!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Would you like me to? I will …
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Gentlemen! Silence, if you please!
Silence. Simon licks the matches on his fingers and rubs his knuckles with them.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.A light! Do you see the light?
SAHÁTOF.A light? Yes, yes, I see; but allow me …
FAT LADY.Where? Where? Oh dear, I did not see it! Ah, there it is. Oh!…
PROFESSOR[whispers to Leoníd Fyódoritch, and points to Grossman, who is moving] Do you notice how he vibrates? It is the dual influence. [The light appears again].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[to the Professor] It must be he—you know!
SAHÁTOF.Who?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.A Greek, Nicholas. It is his light. Don't you think so, Alexéy Vladímiritch?
SAHÁTOF.Who is this Greek, Nicholas?
PROFESSOR.A certain Greek, who was a monk at Constantinople under Constantine and who has been visiting us lately.
FAT LADY.Where is he? Where is he? I don't see him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.He is not yet visible … Alexéy Vladímiritch, he is particularly well disposed towards you. You question him.
PROFESSOR[in a peculiar voice] Nicholas! Is that you?
Tánya raps twice on the wall.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[joyfully] It is he! It is he!
FAT LADY.Oh dear! Oh! I shall go away!
SAHÁTOF.Why do you suppose it is he?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Why, the two knocks. It is an affirmative answer; else all would have been silence.
Silence. Suppressed giggling in the young people's corner. Tánya throws a lampshade, pencil and penwiper upon the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[whispers] Do you notice, gentlemen, here is a lamp-shade, and something else—a pencil!… Alexéy Vladímiritch, it is a pencil!
PROFESSOR.All right, all right! I am watching both him and Grossman!
Grossman rises and feels the things that have fallen on the table.
SAHÁTOF.Excuse me, excuse me! I should like to see whether it is not the medium who is doing it all himself?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Do you think so? Well, sit by him and hold his hands. But you may be sure he is asleep.
SAHÁTOF[approaches. Tánya lets a thread touch his head. He is frightened, and stoops]. Ye … ye … yes! Strange, very strange! [Takes hold of Simon's elbow. Simon howls].
PROFESSOR[to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you notice the effect of Grossman's presence? It is a new phenomenon—I must note it … [Runs out to note it down, and returns again].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes.… But we cannot leave Nicholas without an answer. We must begin …
GROSSMAN[rises, approaches Simon and raises and lowers his arm] It would be interesting to produce contraction! The subject is in profound hypnosis.
PROFESSOR[to Leoníd Fyódoritch] Do you see? Do you see?
GROSSMAN.If you like …
DOCTOR.Now then, my dear sir, leave the management to Alexéy Vladímiritch, the affair is turning out serious.
PROFESSOR.Leave him alone, he [referring to Grossman] is talking in his sleep!
FAT LADY.How glad I now am that I resolved to be present! It is frightening, but all the same I am glad, for I always said to my husband …
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Silence, if you please.
Tánya draws a thread over the Fat Lady's head.
FAT LADY.Aie!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.What? What is it?
FAT LADY.He took hold of my hair!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[whispers] Never mind, don't be afraid, give him your hand. His hand will be cold, but I like it.
FAT LADY[hides her hands] Not for the world!
SAHÁTOF.Yes, it is strange, very strange!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.He is here and is seeking for intercourse. Who wishes to put a question to him?
SAHÁTOF.I should like to put a question, if I may.
PROFESSOR.Please do.
SAHÁTOF.Do I believe or not?
Tánya knocks twice.
PROFESSOR.The answer is affirmative.
SAHÁTOF.Allow me to ask again. Have I a ten rouble note in my pocket?
Tánya knocks several times and passes a thread over Sahátof's head.
SAHÁTOF.Ah! [Seizes the thread and breaks it].
PROFESSOR.I should ask those present not to ask indefinite or trivial questions. It is unpleasant tohim!
SAHÁTOF.No, but allow me! Here I have a thread in my hand!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.A thread? Hold it fast; that happens often, and not only threads but sometimes even silk cords—very ancient ones!
SAHÁTOF.No—but where did this thread come from?
Tánya throws a cushion at him.
SAHÁTOF.Wait a bit; wait! Something soft has hit me on the head. Light a candle—there is something …
PROFESSOR.We beg of you not to interrupt the manifestations.
FAT LADY.For goodness' sake don't interrupt! I should also like to ask something. May I?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, if you like.
FAT LADY.I should like to ask about my digestion. May I? I want to know what to take: aconite or belladonna?
Silence, whispers among the young people; suddenly Vasíly Leoníditch begins to cry like a baby: “ou-a, ou-a!” [Laughter.] Holding their mouths and noses, the girls and Petrístchef run away bursting with laughter.
FAT LADY.Ah, that must be the monk who's been born again!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[beside himself with anger, whispers] One gets nothing but tomfoolery from you! If you don't know how to behave decently, go away!
Exit Vasíly Leoníditch. Darkness and silence.
FAT LADY.Oh, what a pity! Now one can't ask any more! He is born!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Not at all. It is only Vovo's nonsense. Butheis here. Ask him.
PROFESSOR.That often happens. These jokes and ridicule are quite usual occurrences. I expectheis still here. But we may ask. Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.No, you, if you please. This has upset me. So unpleasant! Such want of tact!…
PROFESSOR.Very well.… Nicholas, are you here?
Tánya raps twice and rings. Simon roars, spreads his arms out, seizes Sahátof and the Professor—squeezing them.
PROFESSOR.What an unexpected phenomenon! The medium himself reacted upon! This never happened before! Leoníd Fyódoritch, will you watch? It is difficult for me to do so. He squeezes me so! Mind you observe Grossman! This needs the very greatest attention!
Tánya throws the peasants' paper on the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Something has fallen upon the table.
PROFESSOR.See what it is!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Paper! A folded paper!
Tánya throws a travelling inkstand on the table.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.An inkstand!
Tánya throws a pen.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.A pen!
Simon roars and squeezes.
PROFESSOR[crushed] Wait a bit, wait: a totally new manifestation! The action proceeding not from the mediumistic energy produced, but from the medium himself! However, open the inkstand, and put the pen on the table, andhewill write!
Tánya goes behind Leoníd Fyódoritch and strikes him on the head with the guitar.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.He has struck me on the head! [Examining table] The pen is not writing yet and the paper remains folded.
PROFESSOR.See what the paper is, and quickly; evidently the dual influence—his and Grossman's—has produced a perturbation!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[goes out and returns at once] Extraordinary! This paper is an agreement with some peasants that I refused to sign this morning and returned to the peasants. Probablyhewants me to sign it?
PROFESSOR.Of course! Of course! But ask him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Nicholas, do you wish …
Tánya knocks twice.
PROFESSOR.Do you hear? It is quite evident!
Leoníd Fyódoritch takes the paper and pen and goes out. Tánya knocks, plays on the guitar and the accordion, and then creeps under the sofa. Leoníd Fyódoritch returns. Simon stretches himself and coughs.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.He is waking up. We can light the candles.
PROFESSOR[hurriedly] Doctor, Doctor, please, his pulse and temperature! You will see that a rise of both will be apparent.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[lights the candles] Well, what do you gentlemen who were sceptical think of it now?
DOCTOR[goes up to Simon and places thermometer] Now then my lad. Well, have you had a nap? There, put that in there, and give me your hand. [Looks at his watch].
SAHÁTOF[shrugging his shoulders] I must admit that all that has occurred cannot have been done by the medium. But the thread?… I should like the thread explained.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.A thread! A thread! We have been witnessing manifestations more important than a thread.
SAHÁTOF.I don't know. At all events,je réserve mon opinion.
FAT LADY[to Sahátof] Oh no, how can you say: “je réserve mon opinion?” And the infant with the little wings? Didn't you see? At first I thought it was only an illusion, but afterwards it became clearer and clearer, like a live …
SAHÁTOF.I can only speak of what I have seen. I did not see that—nothing of the kind.
FAT LADY.You don't mean to say so? Why, it was quite plainly visible! And to the left there was a monk clothed in black bending over it …
SAHÁTOF[moves away. Aside] What exaggeration!
FAT LADY[addressing the Doctor] You must have seen it! It rose up from your side.
Doctor goes on counting pulse without heeding her.
FAT LADY[to Grossman] And that light, the light around it, especially around its little face! And the expression so mild and tender, something so heavenly! [Smiles tenderly herself].
GROSSMAN.I saw phosphorescent light, and objectschanged their places, but I saw nothing more than that.
FAT LADY.Don't tell me! You don't mean it! It is simply that you scientists of Charcot's school do not believe in a life beyond the grave! As for me, no one could now make me disbelieve in a future life—no one in the world!
Grossman moves away from her.
FAT LADY.No, no, whatever you may say, this is one of the happiest moments of my life! When I heard Sarasate play, and now.… Yes! [No one listens to her. She goes up to Simon] Now tell me, my friend, what did you feel? Was it very trying?
SIMON[laughs] Yes, ma'm, just so.
FAT LADY.Still not unendurable?
SIMON.Just so, ma'm. [To Leoníd Fyódoritch] Am I to go?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, you may go.
DOCTOR[to the Professor] The pulse is the same, but the temperature is lower.
PROFESSOR.Lower! [Considers awhile, then suddenly divines the conclusion] It had to be so—it had to descend! The dual influence crossing had to produce some kind of reflex action. Yes, that's it!
Enter Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH[with paper in his hand] Ah, Theodore,what a remarkable séance we have had! It turns out that the peasants must have the land on their own terms.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Dear me!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Yes, indeed. [Showing paper] Fancy, this paper that I returned to them, suddenly appeared on the table! I have signed it.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.How did it get there?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Well, it did get there! [Exit,Theodore Ivánitch follows him out].
TÁNYA[gets from under the sofa and laughs] Oh dear, oh dear! Well, I did get a fright when he got hold of the thread! [Shrieks] Well, anyhow, it's all right—he has signed it!
Enter Gregory.
GREGORY.So it was you that was fooling them?
TÁNYA.What business is it of yours?
GREGORY.And do you think the missis will be pleased with you for it? No, you bet; you're caught now! I'll tell them what tricks you're up to, if you don't let me have my way!
TÁNYA.And you'll not get your way, and you'll not do me any harm!
Curtain.
The same scene as inAct I. The next day. Two liveried footmen, Theodore Ivánitch and Gregory.
FIRST FOOTMAN[with grey whiskers] Yours is the third house to-day. Thank goodness that all the at-homes are in this direction. Yours used to be on Thursdays.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Yes, we changed to Saturday so as to be on the same day as the Golóvkins and Grade von Grabes …
SECOND FOOTMAN.The Stcherbákofs do the thing well. There's refreshments for the footmen every time they've a ball.
The two Princesses, mother and daughter, come down the stairs accompanied by Betsy. The old Princess looks in her note-book and at her watch, and sits down on the settle. Gregory puts on her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS.Now, do come. Because, if you refuse, and Dodo refuses, the whole thing will be spoilt.
BETSY.I don't know. I must certainly go to the Shoúbins. And then there is the rehearsal.
YOUNG PRINCESS.You'll have plenty of time. Do, please.Ne nous fais pas faux bond.[14]Fédya and Koko will come.
BETSY.J'en ai par-dessus la tête de votre Koko.[15]
YOUNG PRINCESS.I thought I should see him here.Ordinairement il est d'une exactitude …[16]
BETSY.He is sure to come.
YOUNG PRINCESS.When I see you together, it always seems to me that he has either just proposed or is just going to propose.
BETSY.Yes, I don't suppose it can be avoided. I shall have to go through with it. And it is so unpleasant!
YOUNG PRINCESS.Poor Koko! He is head over ears in love.
BETSY.Cessez, les gens![17]
Young Princess sits down, talking in whispers. Gregory puts on her overshoes.
YOUNG PRINCESS.Well then, good-bye till this evening.
BETSY.I'll try to come.
OLD PRINCESS.Then tell your papa that I don't believe in anything of the kind, but will come to see his new medium. Only he must let me know when. Good afternoon,ma toute belle. [Kisses Betsy, and exit, followed by her daughter. Betsy goes upstairs].
GREGORY.I don't like putting on an old woman's overshoes for her; she can't stoop, can't see her shoe for her stomach, and keeps poking her foot in the wrong place. It's different with a young one; it's pleasant to take her foot in one's hand.
SECOND FOOTMAN.Hear him! Making distinctions!
FIRST FOOTMAN.It's not for us footmen to make such distinctions.
GREGORY.Why shouldn't one make distinctions; are we not men? It's they think we don't understand! Just now they were deep in their talk, then they look at me, and at once it's “lay zhon!”
SECOND FOOTMAN.And what's that?
GREGORY.Oh, that means, “Don't talk, they understand!” It's the same at table. But I understand! You say, there's a difference? I say there is none.
FIRST FOOTMAN.There is a great difference for those who understand.
GREGORY.There is none at all. To-day I am a footman, and to-morrow I may be living no worse than they are. Has it never happened that they've married footmen? I'll go and have a smoke. [Exit].
SECOND FOOTMAN.That's a bold young man you've got.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.A worthless fellow, not fit for service. He used to be an office boy and has got spoilt. I advised them not to take him, but the mistress liked him. He looks well on the carriage when they drive out.
FIRST FOOTMAN.I should like to send him to our Count; he'd put him in his place! Oh, he don't like those scatterbrains. “If you're a footman, be a footman and fulfil your calling.” Such pride is not befitting.
Petrístchef comes running downstairs, and takes out a cigarette.
PETRÍSTCHEF[deep in thought] Let's see, my second is the same as my first. Echo, a-co, co-coa. [Enter Koko Klíngen, wearing his pince-nez] Ko-ko, co-coa. Cocoa tin, where do you spring from?
KOKO KLÍNGEN.From the Stcherbákofs. You are always playing the fool …
PETRÍSTCHEF.No, listen to my charade. My first is the same as my second, my third may be cracked, my whole is like your pate.
KOKO KLÍNGEN.I give it up. I've no time.
PETRÍSTCHEF.Where else are you going?
KOKO KLÍNGEN.Where? Of course to the Ívins, to practise for the concert. Then to the Shoúbins, and then to the rehearsal. You'll be there too, won't you?
PETRÍSTCHEF.Most certainly. At the re-her-Sall and also at the re-her-Sarah. Why, at first I was a savage, and now I am both a savage and a general.
KOKO KLÍNGEN.How did yesterday's séance go off?
PETRÍSTCHEF.Screamingly funny! There was a peasant, and above all, it was all in the dark. Vovo cried like aninfant, the Professor defined, and Márya Vasílevna refined. Such a lark! You ought to have been there.
KOKO KLÍNGEN.I'm afraid,mon cher. You have a way of getting off with a jest, but I always feel that if I say a word, they'll construe it into a proposal.Et ça ne m'arrange pas du tout, du tout. Mais du tout, du tout![18]
PETRÍSTCHEF.Instead of a proposal, make a proposition, and receive a sentence! Well, I shall go in to Vovo's. If you'll call for me, we can go to the re-her-Sarah together.
KOKO KLÍNGEN.I can't think how you can be friends with such a fool. He is so stupid,—a regular blockhead!
PETRÍSTCHEF.And I am fond of him. I love Vovo, but … “with a love so strange, ne'er towards him the path untrod shall be” … [Exit into Vovo's room].
Betsy comes down with a Lady. Koko bows significantly to Betsy.
BETSY[shaking Koko's hand without turning towards him. To Lady] You are acquainted?
LADY.No.
BETSY.Baron Klíngen.… Why were you not here last night?
KOKO KLÍNGEN.I could not come, I was engaged.
BETSY.What a pity, it was so interesting! [Laughs] You should have seen what manifestations we had! Well, how is our charade getting on?
KOKO KLÍNGEN.Oh, the verses formon secondare ready. Nick composed the verses, and I the music.
BETSY.What are they? What are they? Do tell me!
KOKO KLÍNGEN.Wait a minute; how does it go?… Oh, the knight sings:
“Oh,naughtso beautiful as nature:TheNautilussails by.Oh,naughtylass, oh,naughtylass!Oh,nought, ohnought! Oh fie!”
“Oh,naughtso beautiful as nature:TheNautilussails by.Oh,naughtylass, oh,naughtylass!Oh,nought, ohnought! Oh fie!”
LADY.I see, my second is “nought,” and what is my first?
KOKO KLÍNGEN.My first isAero, the name of a girl savage.
BETSY.Aero, you see, is a savage who wished to devour the object of her love. [Laughs] She goes about lamenting, and sings—
“My appetite,”
“My appetite,”
KOKO KLÍNGEN[interrupts]—
“How can I fight,” …
“How can I fight,” …
BETSY[chimes in]—
“Some one to chew I long.I seeking go …”
“Some one to chew I long.I seeking go …”
KOKO KLÍNGEN—
“But even so …”
“But even so …”
BETSY—
“No one to chew can find.”
“No one to chew can find.”
KOKO KLÍNGEN—
“A raft sailsby,”
“A raft sailsby,”
BETSY—
“It cometh nigh;Two generals upon it …”
“It cometh nigh;Two generals upon it …”
KOKO KLÍNGEN—
“Two generals are we:By fate's hard decree,To this island we flee.”
“Two generals are we:By fate's hard decree,To this island we flee.”
And then, the refrain—
“By fate's hard decree,To this island we flee.”
“By fate's hard decree,To this island we flee.”
LADY.Charmant!
BETSY.But just think how silly!
KOKO KLÍNGEN.Yes, that's the charm of it!
LADY.And who is to be Aero?
BETSY.I am. And I have had a costume made, but mamma says it's “not decent.” And it is not a bit less decent than a ball dress. [To Theodore Ivánitch] Is Bourdier's man here?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Yes, he is waiting in the kitchen.
LADY.Well, and how will you represent Aeronaut?
BETSY.Oh, you'll see. I don't want to spoil the pleasure for you.Au revoir.
LADY.Good-bye! [They bow. Exit Lady].
BETSY[to Koko Klíngen] Come up to mamma.
Betsy and Koko go upstairs. Jacob enters from servants' quarters, carrying a tray with teacups, cakes, &c., and goes panting across the stage.
JACOB[to the Footmen] How d'you do? How d'you do? [Footmen bow].
JACOB[to Theodore Ivánitch] Couldn't you tell Gregory to help a bit! I'm ready to drop.… [Exit up the stairs].
FIRST FOOTMAN.That is a hard-working chap you've got there.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Yes, a good fellow. But there now—he doesn't satisfy the mistress, she says his appearance is ungainly. And now they've gone and told tales about him for letting some peasants into the kitchen yesterday. It is a bad look-out: they may dismiss him. And he is a good fellow.
SECOND FOOTMAN.What peasants were they?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Peasants that had come from our Koursk village to buy some land. It was night, and they were our fellow-countrymen, one of them the father of the butler's assistant. Well, so they were asked into the kitchen. It so happened that there was thought-reading going on. Something was hidden in the kitchen, and all the gentlefolk came down, and the mistress saw the peasants. There was such a row! “How is this,” she says; “these people may be infected, and they are let into the kitchen!” … She is terribly afraid of this infection.
Enter Gregory.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Gregory, you go and help Jacob. I'll stay here. He can't manage alone.
GREGORY.He's awkward, that's why he can't manage. [Exit].
FIRST FOOTMAN.And what is this new mania they have got? This infection!… So yours also is afraid of it?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.She fears it worse than fire! Our chief business, nowadays, is fumigating, washing, and sprinkling.
FIRST FOOTMAN.I see. That's why there is such a stuffy smell here. [With animation] I don't know what we're coming to with these infection notions. It's just detestable! They seem to have forgotten the Lord. There's our master's sister, Princess Mosolóva, her daughter was dying and, will you believe it, neither father nor mother would come near her! So she died without their having taken leave of her. And the daughter cried, and called them to say good-bye—but they didn't go! The doctor had discovered some infection or other! And yet their own maid and a trained nurse were with her, and nothing happened to them; they're still alive!
Enter Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef from Vasíly Leoníditch's room, smoking cigarettes.
PETRÍSTCHEF.Come along then, only I must take Koko—Cocoanut, with me.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.Your Koko is a regular dolt; I can't bear him. A hare-brained fellow, a regular gad-about! Without any kind of occupation, eternally loafing around! Eh, what?
PETRÍSTCHEF.Well, anyhow, wait a bit, I must say good-bye.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.All right. And I will go and look at my dogs in the coachman's room. I've got a dog there that's so savage, the coachman said, he nearly ate him.
PETRÍSTCHEF.Who ate whom? Did the coachman really eat the dog?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH.You are always at it! [Puts on outdoor things and goes out].
PETRÍSTCHEF[thoughtfully] Ma-kin-tosh, Co-co-tin.… Let's see. [Goes upstairs].
Jacob runs across the stage.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.What's the matter?
JACOB.There is no more thin bread and butter. I said … [Exit].
SECOND FOOTMAN.And then our master's little son fell ill, and they sent him at once to an hotel with his nurse, and there he died without his mother.
FIRST FOOTMAN.They don't seem to fear sin!Ithink you cannot escape from God anywhere.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.That's what I think.
Jacob runs upstairs with bread and butter.
FIRST FOOTMAN.One should consider too, that if we are to be afraid of everybody like that, we'd better shut ourselves up within four walls, as in a prison, and stick there!
Enter Tánya; she bows to the Footmen.
TÁNYA.Good afternoon.
Footmen bow.
TÁNYA.Theodore Ivánitch, I have a word to say to you.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Well, what?
TÁNYA.The peasants have come again, Theodore Ivánitch …
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Well? I gave the paper to Simon.
TÁNYA.I have given them the paper. They were that grateful! I can't say how! Now they only ask you to take the money.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.But where are they?
TÁNYA.Here, by the porch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.All right, I'll tell the master.
TÁNYA.I have another request to you, dear Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.What now?
TÁNYA.Why, don't you see, Theodore Ivánitch, I can't remain here any longer. Ask them to let me go.
Enter Jacob, running.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[to Jacob] What d'you want?
JACOB.Another samovár, and oranges.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Ask the housekeeper.
Exit Jacob.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH[to Tánya] How is that?
TÁNYA.Why, don't you see, my position is such …
JACOB[runs in] There are not enough oranges.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Serve up as many as you've got [Exit Jacob]. Now's not the time! Just see what a bustle we are in.
TÁNYA.But you know yourself, Theodore Ivánitch, there is no end to this bustle; one might wait for ever—you know yourself—and my affair is for life.… Dear Theodore Ivánitch, you have done me a good turn, be a father to me now, choose the right moment and tell her, or else she'll get angry and won't let me have my passport.[19]
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Where's the hurry?
TÁNYA.Why, Theodore Ivánitch, it's all settled now.… And I could go to my godmother's and get ready, and then after Easter we'd get married.[20]Do tell her, dear Theodore Ivánitch!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Go away—this is not the place.
An elderly Gentleman comes downstairs, puts on overcoat, and goes out followed by the Second Footman.
Exit Tánya. Enter Jacob.
JACOB.Just fancy, Theodore Ivánitch, it's too bad! She wants to discharge me now! She says, “You break everything, and forget Frisk, and you let the peasants into the kitchen against my orders!” And you know very well that I knew nothing about it. Tatyána told me, “Take them into the kitchen”; how could I tell whose order it was?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.Did the mistress speak to you?
JACOB.She's just spoken. Do speak up for me, Theodore Ivánitch! You see, my people in the country are only just getting on their feet, and suppose I lose my place, when shall I get another? Theodore Ivánitch, do, please!
Anna Pávlovna comes down with the old Countess, whom she is seeing off. The Countess has false teeth and hair. The First Footman helps the Countess into her outdoor things.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Oh, most certainly, of course! I am so deeply touched.
COUNTESS.If it were not for my illness, I should come oftener to see you.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.You should really consult Peter Petróvitch. He is rough, but nobody can soothe one as he does. He is so clear, so simple.
COUNTESS.Oh no, I shall keep to the one I am used to.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Pray, take care of yourself.
COUNTESS.Merci, mille fois merci.[21]
Gregory, dishevelled and excited, jumps out from the servants' quarters. Simon appears behind him in the doorway.
SIMON.You'd better leave her alone!
GREGORY.You rascal! I'll teach you how to fight, you scamp, you!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.What do you mean? Do you think you are in a public-house?
GREGORY.This coarse peasant makes life impossible for me.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[provoked] You've lost your senses. Don't you see? [To Countess]Merci, mille fois merci. A mardi![22]
Exeunt Countess and First Footman.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[to Gregory] What is the meaning of this?
GREGORY.Though I do occupy the position of a footman, still I won't allow every peasant to hit me; I have my pride too.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Why, what has happened?
GREGORY.Why, this Simon of yours has got so brave, sitting with the gentlemen, that he wants to fight!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Why? What for?
GREGORY.Heaven only knows!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[to Simon] What is the meaning of it?
SIMON.Why does he bother her?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.What has happened?
SIMON[smiles] Well, you see, he is always catching hold of Tánya, the lady's-maid, and she won't have it. Well, so I just moved him aside a bit, just so, with my hand.
GREGORY.A nice little bit! He's almost caved my ribs in, and has torn my dress-coat, and he says, “The same power as came over me yesterday comes on me again,” and he begins to squeeze me.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[to Simon] How dare you fight in my house?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH.May I explain it to you, ma'am? I must tell you Simon is not indifferent to Tánya, and is engaged to her. And Gregory—one must admit the truth—does not behave properly, nor honestly, to her. Well, so I suppose Simon got angry with him.
GREGORY.Not at all! It is all his spite, because I have discovered their trickery.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.What trickery?
GREGORY.Why, at the séance. All those things, last night,—it was not Simon but Tánya who did them! I saw her getting out from under the sofa with my own eyes.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.What is that? From under the sofa?
GREGORY.I give you my word of honour. And it was she who threw the paper on the table. If it had not been for her the paper would not have been signed, nor the land sold to the peasants.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.And you saw it yourself?
GREGORY.With my own eyes. Shall I call her? She'll not deny it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Yes, call her.
Exit Gregory.
Noise behind the scenes. The voice of the Doorkeeper, “No, no, you cannot.” Doorkeeper is seen at the front door, the three Peasants rush in past him, the Second Peasant first; the Third one stumbles, falls on his nose, and catches hold of it.
DOORKEEPER.You must not go in!
SECOND PEASANT.Where's the harm? We are not doing anything wrong. We only wish to pay the money!
FIRST PEASANT.That's just it; as by laying on the signature the affair is come to a conclusion, we only wish to make payment with thanks.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Wait a bit with your thanks. It was all done by fraud! It is not settled yet. Not sold yet.… Leoníd.… Call Leoníd Fyódoritch. [Exit Doorkeeper].
Leoníd Fyódoritch enters, but, seeing his wife and the Peasants, wishes to retreat.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.No, no, come here, please! I told you the land must not be sold on credit, and everybody told you so, but you let yourself be deceived like the veriest blockhead.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.How? I don't understand who is deceiving?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.You ought to be ashamed of yourself! You have grey hair, and you let yourself be deceived and laughed at like a silly boy. You grudge your son some three hundred roubles which his social position demands, and let yourself be tricked of thousands—like a fool!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH.Now come, Annette, try to be calm.
FIRST PEASANT.We are only come about the acceptation of the sum, for example …
THIRD PEASANT[taking out the money] Let us finish the matter, for Christ's sake!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Wait, wait!
Enter Tánya and Gregory.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[angrily] You were in the small drawing-room during the séance last night?
Tánya looks round at Theodore Ivánitch, Leoníd Fyódoritch, and Simon, and sighs.
GREGORY.It's no use beating about the bush; I saw you myself …
ANNA PÁVLOVNA.Tell me, were you there? I know all about it, so you'd better confess! I'll not do anything to you. I only want to expose him [pointing to Leoníd Fyódoritch] your master.… Did you throw the paper on the table?
TÁNYA.I don't know how to answer. Only one thing,—let me go home.
Enter Betsy unobserved.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA[to Leoníd Fyódoritch] There, you see! You are being made a fool of.