CHAPTER XVMiscellaneous
Two sailors were winding up a rope, and did not finish as quickly as they expected.
“Where in the world,” cried one of them impatiently, “is that end?”
“I bet,” returned the other, “they have cut it off.”
The wife of a well-known Berliner presented him on his birthday with a dressing-gown. Agreeably surprised, he tried it on, but found that it was about six inches too long. In the night a violent storm occurred. The anxious wife arose and, to pass the time, took the dressing-gown and shortened it. Then she retired again.
Now, with the family lived a very active sister-in-law, who was in the habit of rising very early. On this morning she saw the dressing-gown, and thinking to please herbrother-in-law, she took it down and shortened it six inches more. After breakfast the two ladies went to market, and the husband, thinking of his dressing-gown, before going to business, ordered the cook to take it to the tailor, and have it shortened about six inches. In the afternoon the tailor returned it—a jacket with tails.
“We are nowhere, since we joined the Prussians; we must be soldiers, we must pay taxes, and we must keep our mouths shut!”
“Now, tell the truth, Hans; when were you a soldier? When did you pay taxes, and when did you ever keep your mouth shut?”
A clergyman living near Rastock, had an old man, one of his farm-hands, drive him to Warnemünde to inspect a man-of-war. On the way he talked about the big vessel they were going to see.
“Oh,” said his farm-hand, “I’ve seen a vessel like that often enough.”
“Where did you ever see a man-of-war?”
“At Portsmouth, when my regiment was shipped.”
“How did you get to Portsmouth?”
“We came there from Quebec. I was stationed in Canada a long time. Lots of Indians there. They loafed around the streets, even their color wasn’t like ours.”
“But how did you get there?”
“From Gibraltar, where it’s dreadfully hot, and nothing is there but stones and rocks. Oh yes, they’ve monkeys and loads of dust.”
“But how in the world did you happen to strike Gibraltar?”
“Went with the Englishmen.”
“And how did you get among the Englishmen?”
The farm-hand scratched his head, grinned, and said: “I ran away from here, because I did not want to be a soldier.”
“Could you tell me when the last train for Potsdam is going to leave?” asked a traveler of his neighbor at the station.
“Well,” said he dryly, “I don’t suppose either of us will live to catch it.”
A German merchant dining with a Chinese Mandarin at Hongkong, seemed to be very muchpleased with the foreign dishes. He had just been enjoying a roast, when the disquieting thought struck him, that he might have been dining off a cat, as he had been told that the Chinese ate cats as well as rats. He determined to find out. But unluckily the Chinaman did not speak German, and the German did not understand Chinese, so the latter pointed at the dish saying: “Miau, miau!”
“Wow, wow!” said the Chinaman, shaking his head.
At a large evening party, one of the guests stood in a corner yawning.
“Are you very much bored, sir?” asked his neighbor.
“Yes, dreadfully,” was the answer. “And you?”
“Oh I am bored to death too.”
“How would it do, to clear out together?”
“I am sorry I can’t; I am the host.”
“Say, do you think we need the sun more than the moon?” asked one corner-lounger of another.
“What a foolish question,” replied the other;“of course we need the moon more; it’s light enough in daytime anyhow.”
Professor (to a shepherd):—“A shepherd once told me that black sheep eat a great deal less than the white ones. I supposed he told me a story?”
Shepherd:—“No, not at all!”
Professor:—“Well, how is that?”
Shepherd:—“Why, you know there are a great many more white ones than black ones.”
A young officer and a clergyman met at a party. The former, intending to be witty, said: “If I had a stupid son, I would make a clergyman of him!”
The clergyman replied: “How opinions differ! Your sainted father thought otherwise.”
“Which one of you can swim?” asked a gentleman who wished to be rowed across the lake. At once a number of boatmen surrounded him, crying:
“I, sir; I!” Only one remained at a distance.
“Can you not swim?” he asked the man.
“No, sir,” answered the boatman.
“Then you are the one to row me over.”
During war time a parson wished to rouse his congregation to more enthusiastic patriotism, so, when addressing them one day, he cried: “Ha! Already I see the enemy coming, see him enter your village, burn your homes, take away your wives and daughters! Yes, they are coming, they are near; do you see the flags waving? Do you hear the beating of the drums?” at the same time drumming on the pulpit with both fists. Immediately the schoolmaster behind the pulpit imitated the blowing of a bugle. The parson turning around, whispered: “Schoolmaster, what are you doing?”
“I am helping you, sir,” he replied. “I know our farmers. Infantry alone won’t do; you want cavalry too.”
In one of Munich’s streets, a crowd had gathered around a little lost boy. He answered all questions as to his name, where he lived, with: “I don’t know.” There seemed nothing leftto do, but to take him to the police station, when some knowing fellow had a bright thought. He planted himself in front of the boy saying, “Now you just tell me, sonny, where do you buy your beer?”
“At the Franziskaner,” was the quick reply. There he was taken and was soon identified.
1. Beware of the first quarrel. When it comes, fight it out bravely to the end; it is of far-reaching consequence, that you should come out victorious.
2. Never forget that you are married to a man, not to a God; then his shortcomings will not surprise you.
3. Do not pester him continually for money, but try to get along with your weekly allowance.
4. If your husband should not possess a heart, he undoubtedly owns a stomach; you will be wise, if you try to gain his favor with well-cooked food.
5. Now and then, not too often, let him have the last word; it pleases him and you lose nothing by it.
6. Read something besides the death and birth-notices in the paper; it will surprise himoccasionally, that he can talk about current events and politics at home, without having to go to the tavern for it.
7. Always, even when quarreling, be polite to him. Remember that you looked up to him before marriage; don’t look down on him now.
8. At appropriate intervals permit him to know more than you do; it will preserve his dignity, and it will be to your advantage to acknowledge, now and then, that you are not infallible.
9. Be your husband’s friend, if he is clever; if he is not, try to elevate him to be yours; never descend to his level.
10. Respect your husband’s relatives, particularly his mother; she has loved him longer than you have!
“I count on your taking part in our charity-concert, Doctor. I have often had occasion to admire your beautiful voice.”
“I regret exceedingly, sir, but since I have been married I have no longer a voice.”
Professor Schnudlich (to letter-carrier):—“Any letters for me?”
Letter-carrier:—“What is your name?”
Professor:—“My—my—well now, I can’t think of my own name! I am always forgetting something! And my wife, Frau Professor Schnudlich, is away too. She could tell it to you instantly.”
“How starved this lion looks, and yet the city allows a lot of money for their food!”
“Well, I suppose the keeper takes the lion’s share.”
Lieutenant:—“Then you refuse me your daughter’s hand, sir? Ah, would that my grief might soften your heart!”
Banker:—“I am sorry, sir, but in this instance I don’t follow my heart, but my brain.”
Lieutenant:—“And may I not hope for a softening of the brain?”
A tradesman punished his erring apprentice, saying, at the same time, “How much longer are you going to serve the evil one?”
The boy replied, “You ought to know best, master; I believe my time is up in four months.”
One beautiful summer afternoon, Herr Fraulich decided to take his family for a drive on the Prater in Vienna. After spending two hours over her toilet his wife appeared at last, leading their little son.
“Oh Kathi,” cried the husband, when he saw them, “how could you dress the child up like that! He looks simply crazy! I am not going to take you out this way. I don’t want people to think that I am parading a monkey.”
On this there was an exchange of sharp words, but finally the husband gave in and they set out. But on the stairs, Herr Fraulich, to spoil his wife’s triumph, said, “You may say just what you like, I stick to it—Franz looks just like a monkey.”
At the house-door they met a friend. She greeted them, kissed little Franz, and remarked:
“What an angel of a child your Franz is—the very image of his father!”
Servant:—“I am glad you like the room, sir. I hope you don’t mind smoke!”
Gentleman:—“Oh no, I smoke a great deal myself.”
Servant:—“That’s good; the stove here does too.”
Dude:—“Pshaw! Life is stale! I believe I’ll kill myself some day. But how?”
“Have a thought shoot through your head for once.”
A gentleman who had trouble with his eyes went to an oculist to have them examined. The physician took the eye out, put it on the table, and examined the socket. When he turned around he was horrified to see the cat in the act of swallowing the eye. He grabbed her, carried her outside, took out one of her eyes, and returning to the consulting room, replaced the gentleman’s with the cat’s eye, and told him to come back in a week.
When the patient returned the oculist asked him if he could see.
“Oh, yes,” he answered; “I can see by day as well as by night.”
“Do you sleep well?”
“So, so! One of the eyes sleeps soundly, but it’s strange, the other seems to be constantly on the lookout for mice.”
A missionary was invited to a dinner at which the daughters of the house appeared in low-neck dresses. The host thought it necessary to apologize for the fashion. “Oh,” said the missionary, “I don’t mind it at all. I ought to be used to it, having spent ten years among the aborigines.”
Wife:—“I believe you love your pipe better than you do me!”
Husband:—“Well, that doesn’t go out as much as you do!”
Son:—“Is it true, father, that there are people living on the moon?”
Father (not wishing to betray his ignorance):—“Certainly, son.”
Son:—“But what becomes of the people when the moon wanes?”
Father:—“They wane too.”
“What doctor have you, Rosenthal?”
“What doctor? My neighbor in the nextroom has a doctor. When he comes to see him, I listen at the door, and whatever he orders, I do. What need have I, then, to spend a lot of good money on a doctor?”
“Will you tell me, my dear friend, how you manage, that you are never pressed for money, but always have plenty of it?”
“That is very simple; I never pay old debts.”
“But how about the new ones?”
“I let them grow old.”
“There is a great deal of talk about women’s faults, and the reasons why they need so much waiting upon. The question has even been asked—by a man of course,—why the dear Lord, in making Eve, from one of Adam’s ribs, did not make a servant for her at the same time.
“We are able to answer this question satisfactorily. She simply did not need a servant.
“And why not? Because Adam never came to Eve, lamenting over a pair of torn socks, asking her to darn them, or with a shirt that had parted company with its buttons, or with a pair ofripped gloves that wanted mending at once. Neither did he walk around in the mud smoking cigars and then come back with boots that needed blacking.
“Neither did he sit yawning behind a newspaper, and, as soon as the sun went down, ask gruffly: ‘Will supper be ready soon?’
“Instead of this, Adam lit the fire himself, put the kettle on, pulled the radishes, pared the potatoes, and, in general, did his duty. He was satisfied with one dish, and did not grumble, if Eve did happen to make a mess of it for once. They didn’t bother with serviettes, they used a palmleaf. He didn’t put a boiled shirt in the wash every day. He milked the cows and fed the chickens. He never brought half a dozen friends to dinner, when one was not in the least prepared for them. He did not stay out late at night playing cards; it was not necessary for Eve to sit up and worry. He didn’t lounge around saloons, while Eve sat at home rocking little Cain. He never scolded and looked for his slippers in the corner where ‘he knew’ he had put them. When he took off his boots, he put them in their place under the fig-tree.
“In short—he did not think that Eve had been created for the sole purpose of waiting uponhim; he did not harbor the fixed idea, that it was degrading to a man to lighten his wife’s burdens. These are the reasons, gentlemen, why Eve had no need of a servant.”
A vivacious woman, who was talking to a statesman about the Woman’s Rights question, suddenly asked:
“What position would you give me if women filled government positions as well as the men?”
“I would give you the management of a deaf and dumb asylum.”
“And why?”
“Because those unfortunates would either have to learn to talk or you would have to learn to keep silent.”
Reason is the only thing we can lose without ever having possessed it.
Gentleman:—“Don’t you love Heine?”
Old Maid:—“Why should I? The man is dead!”
“Waiter, close those windows; there is a draught, and I am suffering with rheumatism. I can’t have the door open, either, or my feet get cold, and don’t you go and wipe those tables, you’ll raise a dust and I have a cough! My tea must not be strong either, as I am nervous.”
“If I were you, I would go to a hospital and be put in an incubator.”
Gentleman:—“At fifty we may call the ladies ‘old women,’ may we not, gracious lady?”
Lady:—“Certainly, and many men much sooner.”
Some one says of the residents of Munich: “When they rise in the morning they are beer barrels, and when they retire at night they are barrels of beer.”
Father (to his son going on a long journey):—“Benjamin, when you arrive at Krotoschin,you needn’t waste any paper writing a letter. I’ll give you a stamped envelope addressed to me; you just mail that, and I’ll know that you arrived safely.”
Son:—“Father, you can save the postage. I’ll mail it without the stamp, and you just refuse to take it.”
Mother:—“I wish you would tell me, Franz, why you don’t want to marry Fräulein Neumann. I tell you, the girl is a pearl.”
Son:—“That is quite possible, but I don’t like the mother-of-pearl.”
A thief while at confession, stole the confessor’s watch.
“I have stolen,” declared the thief.
“Then you must give the stolen article back to its owner,” said the priest.
“I will give it to you.”
“No, I don’t want it.”
“But if the owner won’t take it,” asked the thief, “what shall I do then?”
“Then, in God’s name, keep it,” answered the unsuspecting priest.
A:—“Look, on the weather-vane of that church-tower sits a fly.”
B:—“Yes, I see him, and what’s more, he is yawning just now, and has a hollow tooth in his mouth.”
Three wags met an old Jew. “Good-morning, Father Abraham!” cried the first. “Good-morning, Father Isaac!” the second. “Good-morning, Father Jacob!” the third.
“You are mistaken, gentlemen,” said the Jew; “I am neither Abraham, nor Isaac, nor Jacob; I am Saul, who went to look for his father’s asses, and I’ve found them, I’ve found them!”
“You villain,” said the judge to the horse-thief, just brought before him, “how did you dare to steal a horse from the street, in the middle of the day?”
“I steal a horse?” returned the thief. “Let me tell your Honor, that in a very narrow street a horse stood right in my way. I was in a hurry, and wanted to drive him on in frontof me when a voice cried, ‘Take care, that horse kicks!’ Then I tried to push past him, and go my way, when somebody called out, ‘Hold on, that beast bites!’ Now what else could I do, if I did not want to be bitten, but to jump on him as quickly as I could? And I had hardly touched the saddle when the impatient horse takes the bit between his teeth and runs. He took me fourteen miles, and that is how I came to be here, your Honor. Now did I steal that horse, or did that horse steal me?”
Doctor (to a patient whose wife died six months before):—“You may live a good many years yet, if you are careful.”
Patient:—“That’s all right, Doctor, but just think of the reception my sainted wife will give me if I keep her waiting so long.”
“Well, Louise, as the wife of such a promising physician, you must lead a charming life!”
“Oh, yes! a very charming life, to sit all day long, muffled up to my eyes, in the waiting room, making believe I’m a patient!”
“Oh say, I like this statue!”
“So do I; just think of having two throats, and to be permitted to carry the door-key!”
“Sarah,” said Moritz one morning to his wife, “Sarah, offer me one hundred and fifty marks for my hops!”
Sarah:—“Well, I offer you one hundred and fifty marks for your hops.”
Moritz then went to the hop market where a dealer offered him one hundred marks for his crop.
“What,” cries Moritz, indignantly, “one hundred marks! May the lightning strike me, if I haven’t already been offered to-day one hundred and fifty marks.”
Neighbor:—“What in the world is your husband doing in the laundry all morning?”
The Poet’s Wife (angrily):—“He is forever writing his poetry on his cuffs! Now he is hunting in the wash-boiler, for the fourth verse of his last poem.”
“My wife is attention personified! Some time ago I happened to mention that I loved all lilacs—and what do you suppose I saw, when my birthday came around?”
“Well—a beautiful bouquet of lilacs on the table.”
“No, sir! My wife, in a new lilac dress!”
Herr Schanz, of Berlin, came to W. on a pleasure trip. He stopped at the hotel “Krone,” and was given a room on the third floor.
That night he started for home feeling a little muddled. He lost his way, and strayed into the hotel “Kronprince” on the same street, which was only two stories high. When he reached the second floor and saw the roof above him, he shook his heavy head incredulously, and shouted down the stairs, “Say, porter, what kind of a monkey-shine is this? What’s become of that third story?”
“You need not be so proud of your flowers,” said the thorns to the rose-bush. “It is to us you owe the greater part of your popularity!”
“What! your parents wish to force you to marry that old banker!”
“Indeed they do, and what is more, they want me to study medicine, as he is always ailing!”
“Good gracious, fellow, did I not order you to burn all my old love-letters, and here I find them bound on your table?”
“Please excuse me, Captain, but my cook always wanted a guide for love-letters, and so I thought yours would do nicely!”
Host (to a stranger who is settling his account):—“I am two marks short of your change. Let me look at the account again, perhaps I can think of something else to put down!”
A:—“Who is the gentleman, to whom you were speaking a while ago?”
B:—“Ah, that’s a great man! He is one of the ten-thousand foremost writers of our day!”
Gentleman (in a cigar store):—“Can you recommend that brand of cigars, ‘Ne plus Ultra’ with a good conscience.”
Dealer:—“Certainly, sir; they are absolutely perfect and remarkably cheap.”
Gentleman (smilingly lighting one of them):—“I am very glad to hear you say so—all the more, since you wrote to me, that they were not fit to smoke, and not worth half the money I charged you for them. I am the manufacturer!”
“The best thing for us to do, my dear Edward, will be to get an automobile. If we ride up to the dry-goods store in one of these, we can get enough goods on credit, so that we can live well by simply pawning them.”
“Since your future husband is so devoted to all kinds of sports, I suppose you will make your wedding trip in a balloon?”
“Why no, that is out of date,—in a submarine vessel.”
“The people living in our part of the city are of that class who can pawn their automobiles during the carnival season.”
“Well, how is your flying-machine progressing?”
“I am sorry to say, it fell into the ocean.”
“And how far along are you with your submarine boat?”
“That flew up into the air!”
“You must get an automobile, Rudolph!”
“Well, I might get one on credit—but how about the benzine?”
A woman lawyer, showing her dresses, said, “In this dress, my dear friends, I defended the infamous murderer, Muller; in this, the well-known burglar, Schlosser; in this, the clever green-goods man, Shlapinski; and in this, I represented the Countess Flirtinski, in her divorce suit.”
A:—“The young Baron seems a very harmless sort of fellow.”
B:—“Not any more—he bought an automobile yesterday.”
Professor:—“My wife tells me that Fräulein Melanie is fairly in love with her automobile! Another instance of man being replaced by a machine!”
Dealer (who has just been knocked down by an auto):—“What do you think of that Baron! First, he borrows my benzine, and then he runs over me with his automobile!”
Automobile Dealer:—“I can recommend this motor of twelve horsepower; with it you can run over the largest furniture van with ease.”
“Why was your marriage put off?”
“Because when we autoed to be wedded, we ran over the magistrate who was to tie the knot.”
“Papa, now let me tell you; either you buy me an auto, or I’ll use you as the comic character in my new novel.”
Brakeman (to couple walking on the ties):—“Don’t you know that it is not only forbidden, but very dangerous, to walk on the ties?”
“Yes, but not nearly so dangerous as on the highway with all those red devils running about.”
“Automobile all right—well built!—How much?”
“Seven thousand, five hundred marks.”
“Yearly payments?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good! I’ll take the auto with me! I’ll pay one hundred marks per annum. My father and grandfather both lived to be over seventy!”
“Johann, has my husband returned from his auto ride?”
“No, gracious lady, and the third policeman has just been here, asking for him.”
Father (to his daughter’s fiancée):—“Besides the necessary outfit, we can give our daughter only an automobile, a piano, and a camera!”
“How did you come to buy an auto?”
“Well, it happened this way. I wanted to get some delicatessen for supper, but made a mistake in the shop door and got into an automobile place, and as I didn’t want to be so impolite and go off without buying something, I just took an auto.”
She:—“What does this mean? You just consulted the doctor about your catarrh and here you sit and drink beer all day long!”
He (smiling cunningly):—“Well, you see the doctor forbid my smoking dry.”
“If the Baron has so many debts, why doesn’t he find a wealthy wife?”
“Ah, but his debts are so many that one wife wouldn’t do any good at all!”
Young Lawyer:—“Was a client here?”
Clerk:—“One, I think, during the dinner hour; your overcoat is missing.”
Housemaid (rushing into the artist’s studio):—“For heaven’s sake, Herr Pempe, hide yourself—or go away for a time at once! A while ago there were six or eight gentlemen here, who said they were the ‘hanging committee’ and wanted you! I had hard work to get rid of them, but they are coming back soon!”
“I hope your lawyer is not going to let the District-attorney intimidate her!”
“Goodness, no! She is his mother-in-law!”
Husband:—“What did you do with yourself, dear, while I was at the club?”
Wife:—“I was very industrious, I mended all those horrid holes in your lion and tiger skins.”
Husband:—“Why my dear child, what were you thinking of! Those holes were my greatest pride; they represented my best shots!”
Cashier:—“To make you feel perfectly secure, I’ll present you with my photograph.”
Banker:—“Haven’t you one without a beard?”
Malicious Painter:—“Just think, I received three orders for portraits to-day!”
Friend:—“There, now you see, people are not as bad as you paint them.”
Doctor:—“Well, you seem to be quite well again! Did you take my pills every day?”
Countryman:—“Oh, yes, I took them all right. You see, it was this way, doctor. My black hen got at the box of pills and ate them all up. So I killed the hen and ate her, and so I got well again.”
“If I take my cod-liver oil nicely, mother always gives me five pfennig.”
“And what do you do with so much money?”
“Oh, mother puts it into my bank and buys more cod-liver oil with it.”
Boy (to his father in a picture gallery):—“Father, what kind of a painter is this ‘Anonym’ whose name is mentioned so often in the catalogue?”
Father:—“What a foolish boy you are! Anonym is a foreign word and means that the painter wishes to be unknown for the present.”
Father (at home, several hours later):—“It is perfectly dreadful the way you children meddle with everything; there is no end to your mischief! Now my beautiful meerschaum pipe has been broken. Who did it?”
Boy:—“Anonym, father!”
Mother:—“Remember, Franz, it is very naughty to lean on your elbows as you are doing just now.”
Franz (pointing at a picture of the Sistine Madonna hanging in the room):—“Oh, but mother, those two angels there are doing the same thing.”
Little Baroness:—“When people die they go to heaven, do they not? and when a child dies it goes to heaven too——”
Baroness:—“And is called an angel.”
Little Baroness:—“But, mamma, if one of us should die we would be called ‘von angel,’ of course?”
Child:—“Mamma is it true that people are made of dust?”
Mother:—“Yes, my dear.”
Child:—“Are the negroes made of coal-dust, then?”
A teacher took an apple from one of the pupils, and after awhile, believing himself unnoticed, ate it. The pupil began to cough. “What is the matter with you,” asks the teacher.
“Why, my apple went down the wrong way, sir.”
Mother (to her six year old son):—“Fritz, how did this happen? Your new trousers have already several holes in them!”
Fritz:—“Oh, but mother, you can’t expect me to be always looking out for what goes on behind my back!”