MRS GEORGE. Will she be happy when she finds you out?HOTCHKISS. She's incapable of happiness. But she's not incapableof the pleasure of holding a man against his will.MRS GEORGE. Right, young man. You will tell her, please, that youlove me: before everybody, mind, the very next time you see her.HOTCHKISS. But—MRS GEORGE. Those are my orders, Sinjon. I cant have you marryanother woman until George is tired of you.HOTCHKISS. Oh, if I only didnt selfishly want to obey you!The General comes in from the garden. Mrs George goes half way tothe garden door to speak to him. Hotchkiss posts himself on thehearth.MRS GEORGE. Where have you been all this time?THE GENERAL. I'm afraid my nerves were a little upset by ourconversation. I just went into the garden and had a smoke. I'mall right now [he strolls down to the study door and presentlytakes a chair at that end of the big table].MRS GEORGE. A smoke! Why, you said she couldnt bear it.THE GENERAL. Good heavens! I forgot! It's such a natural thing todo, somehow.Lesbia comes in through the tower.MRS GEORGE. He's been smoking again.LESBIA. So my nose tells me. [She goes to the end of the tablenearest the hearth, and sits down].THE GENERAL. Lesbia: I'm very sorry. But if I gave it up, Ishould become so melancholy and irritable that you would be thefirst to implore me to take to it again.MRS GEORGE. Thats true. Women drive their husbands into all sortsof wickedness to keep them in good humor. Sinjon: be off withyou: this doesnt concern you.LESBIA. Please dont disturb yourself, Sinjon. Boxer's brokenheart has been worn on his sleeve too long for any pretence ofprivacy.THE GENERAL. You are cruel, Lesbia: devilishly cruel. [He sitsdown, wounded].LESBIA. You are vulgar, Boxer.HOTCHKISS. In what way? I ask, as an expert in vulgarity.LESBIA. In two ways. First, he talks as if the only thing of anyimportance in life was which particular woman he shall marry.Second, he has no self-control.THE GENERAL. Women are not all the same to me, Lesbia.MRS GEORGE. Why should they be, pray? Women are all different:it's the men who are all the same. Besides, what does MissGrantham know about either men or women? She's got too much self-control.LESBIA [widening her eyes and lifting her chin haughtily] Andpray how does that prevent me from knowing as much about men andwomen as people who have no self-control?MRS GEORGE. Because it frightens people into behaving themselvesbefore you; and then how can you tell what they really are? Lookat me! I was a spoilt child. My brothers and sisters were wellbrought up, like all children of respectable publicans. So shouldI have been if I hadnt been the youngest: ten years younger thanmy youngest brother. My parents were tired of doing their duty bytheir children by that time; and they spoilt me for all they wereworth. I never knew what it was to want money or anything thatmoney could buy. When I wanted my own way, I had nothing to dobut scream for it till I got it. When I was annoyed I didntcontrol myself: I scratched and called names. Did you ever, afteryou were grown up, pull a grown-up woman's hair? Did you everbite a grown-up man? Did you ever call both of them every nameyou could lay your tongue to?LESBIA [shivering with disgust] No.MRS GEORGE. Well, I did. I know what a woman is like when herhair's pulled. I know what a man is like when he's bit. I knowwhat theyre both like when you tell them what you really feelabout them. And thats how I know more of the world than you.LESBIA. The Chinese know what a man is like when he is cut into athousand pieces, or boiled in oil. That sort of knowledge is ofno use to me. I'm afraid we shall never get on with one another,Mrs George. I live like a fencer, always on guard. I like to beconfronted with people who are always on guard. I hate sloppypeople, slovenly people, people who cant sit up straight,sentimental people.MRS GEORGE. Oh, sentimental your grandmother! You dont learn tohold your own in the world by standing on guard, but byattacking, and getting well hammered yourself.LESBIA. I'm not a prize-fighter, Mrs. Collins. If I cant get athing without the indignity of fighting for it, I do without it.MRS GEORGE. Do you? Does it strike you that if we were all asclever as you at doing without, there wouldnt be much to livefor, would there?TAE GENERAL. I'm afraid, Lesbia, the things you do without arethe things you dont want.LESBIA [surprised at his wit] Thats not bad for the silly soldierman. Yes, Boxer: the truth is, I dont want you enough to make thevery unreasonable sacrifices required by marriage. And yet thatis exactly why I ought to be married. Just because I have thequalities my country wants most I shall go barren to my grave;whilst the women who have neither the strength to resist marriagenor the intelligence to understand its infinite dishonor willmake the England of the future. [She rises and walks towards thestudy].THE GENERAL [as she is about to pass him] Well, I shall not askyou again, Lesbia.LESBIA. Thank you, Boxer. [She passes on to the study door].MRS GEORGE. Youre quite done with him, are you?LESBIA. As far as marriage is concerned, yes. The field is clearfor you, Mrs George. [She goes into the study].The General buries his face in his hands. Mrs George comes roundthe table to him.MRS GEORGE [sympathetically] She's a nice woman, that. And asort of beauty about her too, different from anyone else.THE GENERAL [overwhelmed] Oh Mrs Collins, thank you, thank you athousand times. [He rises effusively]. You have thawed the long-frozen springs [he kisses her hand]. Forgive me; and thank you:bless you—[he again takes refuge in the garden, choked withemotion].MRS GEORGE [looking after him triumphantly] Just caught the dearold warrior on the bounce, eh?HOTCHKISS. Unfaithful to me already!MRS GEORGE. I'm not your property, young man dont you think it.[She goes over to him and faces him]. You understand that? [Hesuddenly snatches her into his arms and kisses her]. Oh! You.dare do that again, you young blackguard; and I'll jab one ofthese chairs in your face [she seizes one and holds it inreadiness]. Now you shall not see me for another month.HOTCHKISS [deliberately] I shall pay my first visit to yourhusband this afternoon.MRS GEORGE. Youll see what he'll say to you when I tell him whatyouve just done.HOTCHKISS. What can he say? What dare he say?MRS GEORGE. Suppose he kicks you out of the house?HOTCHKISS. How can he? Ive fought seven duels with sabres. Ivemuscles of iron. Nothing hurts me: not even broken bones.Fighting is absolutely uninteresting to me because it doesntfrighten me or amuse me; and I always win. Your husband is in allthese respects an average man, probably. He will be horriblyafraid of me; and if under the stimulus of your presence, and foryour sake, and because it is the right thing to do among vulgarpeople, he were to attack me, I should simply defeat him andhumiliate him [he gradually gets his hands on the chair and takesit from her, as his words go home phrase by phrase]. Sooner thanexpose him to that, you would suffer a thousand stolen kisses,wouldnt you?MRS GEORGE [in utter consternation] You young viper!HOTCHKISS. Ha ha! You are in my power. That is one of theoversights of your code of honor for husbands: the man who canbully them can insult their wives with impunity. Tell him if youdare. If I choose to take ten kisses, how will you prevent me?MRS GEORGE. You come within reach of me and I'll not leave a hairon your head.HOTCHKISS [catching her wrists dexterously] Ive got your hands.MRS GEORGE. Youve not got my teeth. Let go; or I'll bite. I will,I tell you. Let go.HOTCHKISS. Bite away: I shall taste quite as nice as George.MRS GEORGE. You beast. Let me go. Do you call yourself agentleman, to use your brute strength against a woman?HOTCHKISS. You are stronger than me in every way but this. Do youthink I will give up my one advantage? Promise youll receive mewhen I call this afternoon.MRS GEORGE. After what youve just done? Not if it was to save mylife.HOTCHKISS. I'll amuse George.MRS GEORGE. He wont be in.HOTCHKISS [taken aback] Do you mean that we should be alone?MRS GEORGE [snatching away her hands triumphantly as his grasprelaxes] Aha! Thats cooled you, has it?HOTCHKISS [anxiously] When will George be at home?MRS GEORGE. It wont matter to you whether he's at home or not.The door will be slammed in your face whenever you call.HOTCHKISS. No servant in London is strong enough to close a doorthat I mean to keep open. You cant escape me. If you persist,I'll go into the coal trade; make George's acquaintance on thecoal exchange; and coax him to take me home with him to make youracquaintance.MRS GEORGE. We have no use for you, young man: neither George norI [she sails away from him and sits down at the end of the tablenear the study door].HOTCHKISS [following her and taking the next chair round thecorner of the table] Yes you have. George cant fight for you: Ican.MRS GEORGE [turning to face him] You bully. You low bully.HOTCHKISS. You have courage and fascination: I have courage and apair of fists. We're both bullies, Polly.MRS GEORGE. You have a mischievous tongue. Thats enough to keepyou out of my house.HOTCHKISS. It must be rather a house of cards. A word from me toGeorge—just the right word, said in the right way—and downcomes your house.MRS GEORGE. Thats why I'll die sooner than let you into it.HOTCHKISS. Then as surely as you live, I enter the coal trade to-morrow. George's taste for amusing company will deliver him intomy hands. Before a month passes your home will be at my mercy.MRS GEORGE [rising, at bay] Do you think I'll let myself bedriven into a trap like this?HOTCHKISS. You are in it already. Marriage is a trap. You aremarried. Any man who has the power to spoil your marriage has thepower to spoil your life. I have that power over you.MRS GEORGE [desperate] You mean it?HOTCHKISS. I do.MRS GEORGE [resolutely] Well, spoil my marriage and be—HOTCHKISS [springing up] Polly!MRS GEORGE. Sooner than be your slave I'd face any unhappiness.HOTCHKISS. What! Even for George?MRS GEORGE. There must be honor between me and George, happinessor no happiness. Do your worst.HOTCHKISS [admiring her] Are you really game, Polly? Dare youdefy me?MRS GEORGE. If you ask me another question I shant be able tokeep my hands off you [she dashes distractedly past him to theother end of the table, her fingers crisping].HOTCHKISS. That settles it. Polly: I adore you: we were born forone another. As I happen to be a gentleman, I'll never doanything to annoy or injure you except that I reserve the rightto give you a black eye if you bite me; but youll never get ridof me now to the end of your life.MRS GEORGE. I shall get rid of you if the beadle has to brain youwith the mace for it [she makes for the tower].HOTCHKISS [running between the table and the oak chest and acrossto the tower to cut her off] You shant.MRS GEORGE [panting] Shant I though?HOTCHKISS. No you shant. I have one card left to play that youveforgotten. Why were you so unlike yourself when you spoke to theBishop?MRS GEORGE [agitated beyond measure] Stop. Not that. You shallrespect that if you respect nothing else. I forbid you. [Hekneels at her feet]. What are you doing? Get up: dont be a fool.HOTCHKISS. Polly: I ask you on my knees to let me make George'sacquaintance in his home this afternoon; and I shall remain on myknees till the Bishop comes in and sees us. What will he think ofyou then?MRS GEORGE [beside herself] Wheres the poker? She rushes to thefireplace; seizes the poker; and makes for Hotchkiss, who fliesto the study door. The Bishop enters just then and finds himselfbetween them, narrowly escaping a blow from the poker.THE BISHOP. Dont hit him, Mrs Collins. He is my guest.Mrs George throws down the poker; collapses into the nearestchair; and bursts into tears. The Bishop goes to her and pats herconsolingly on the shoulder. She shudders all through at histouch.THE BISHOP. Come! you are in the house of your friends. Can wehelp you?MRS GEORGE [to Hotchkiss, pointing to the study] Go in there,you. Youre not wanted here.HOTCHKISS. You understand, Bishop, that Mrs Collins is not toblame for this scene. I'm afraid Ive been rather irritating.THE BISHOP. I can quite believe it, Sinjon.Hotchkiss goes into the study.THE BISHOP [turning to Mrs George with great kindness of manner]I'm sorry you have been worried [he sits down on her left]. Nevermind him. A little pluck, a little gaiety of heart, a littleprayer; and youll be laughing at him.MRS GEORGE. Never fear. I have all that. It was as much my faultas his; and I should have put him in his place with a clip ofthat poker on the side of his head if you hadnt come in.THE BISHOP. You might have put him in his coffin that way, MrsCollins. And I should have been very sorry; because we are allfond of Sinjon.MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's your duty to rebuke me. But do you think Idont know?THE BISHOP. I dont rebuke you. Who am I that I should rebuke you?Besides, I know there are discussions in which the poker is theonly possible argument.MRS GEORGE. My lord: be earnest with me. I'm a very funny woman,I daresay; but I come from the same workshop as you. I heard yousay that yourself years ago.THE BISHOP. Quite so; but then I'm a very funny Bishop. Since weare both funny people, let us not forget that humor is a divineattribute.MRS GEORGE. I know nothing about divine attributes or whateveryou call them; but I can feel when I am being belittled. It wasfrom you that I learnt first to respect myself. It was throughyou that I came to be able to walk safely through many wild andwilful paths. Dont go back on your own teaching.THE BISHOP. I'm not a teacher: only a fellow-traveller of whomyou asked the way. I pointed ahead—ahead of myself as well as ofyou.MRS GEORGE [rising and standing over him almost threateningly] AsI'm a living woman this day, if I find you out to be a fraud,I'll kill myself.THE BISHOP. What! Kill yourself for finding out something! Forbecoming a wiser and therefore a better woman! What a bad reason!MRS GEORGE. I have sometimes thought of killing you, and thenkilling myself.THE BISHOP. Why on earth should you kill yourself—not to mentionme?MRS GEORGE. So that we might keep our assignation in Heaven.THE BISHOP [rising and facing her, breathless] Mrs. Collins! YOUare Incognita Appassionata!MRS GEORGE. You read my letters, then? [With a sigh of gratefulrelief, she sits down quietly, and says] Thank you.THE BISHOP [remorsefully] And I have broken the spell by makingyou come here [sitting down again]. Can you ever forgive me?MRS GEORGE. You couldnt know that it was only the coal merchant'swife, could you?THE BISHOP. Why do you say only the coal merchant's wife?MRS GEORGE. Many people would laugh at it.THE BISHOP. Poor people! It's so hard to know the right place tolaugh, isnt it?MRS GEORGE. I didnt mean to make you think the letters were froma fine lady. I wrote on cheap paper; and I never could spell.THE BISHOP. Neither could I. So that told me nothing.MRS GEORGE. One thing I should like you to know.THE BISHOP. Yes?MRS GEORGE. We didnt cheat your friend. They were as good as wecould do at thirteen shillings a ton.THE BISHOP. Thats important. Thank you for telling me.MRS GEORGE. I have something else to say; but will you please asksomebody to come and stay here while we talk? [He rises and turnsto the study door]. Not a woman, if you dont mind. [He nodsunderstandingly and passes on]. Not a man either.THE BISHOP [stopping] Not a man and not a woman! We have nochildren left, Mrs Collins. They are all grown up and married.MRS GEORGE. That other clergyman would do.THE BISHOP. What! The sexton?MRS GEORGE. Yes. He didnt mind my calling him that, did he? Itwas only my ignorance.THE BISHOP. Not at all. [He opens the study door and calls]Soames! Anthony! [To Mrs George] Call him Father: he likes it.[Soames appears at the study door]. Mrs Collins wishes you to joinus, Anthony.Soames looks puzzled.MRS GEORGE. You dont mind, Dad, do you? [As this greeting visiblygives him a shock that hardly bears out the Bishop's advice, shesays anxiously] That was what you told me to call him, wasnt it?SOAMES. I am called Father Anthony, Mrs Collins. But it does notmatter what you call me. [He comes in, and walks past her to thehearth].THE BISHOP. Mrs Collins has something to say to me that she wantsyou to hear.SOAMES. I am listening.THE BISHOP [going back to his seat next her] Now.MRS GEORGE. My lord: you should never have married.SOAMES. This woman is inspired. Listen to her, my lord.THE BISHOP [taken aback by the directness of the attack] Imarried because I was so much in love with Alice that all thedifficulties and doubts and dangers of marriage seemed to me themerest moonshine.MRS GEORGE. Yes: it's mean to let poor things in for so muchwhile theyre in that state. Would you marry now that you knowbetter if you were a widower?THE BISHOP. I'm old now. It wouldnt matter.MRS GEORGE. But would you if it did matter?THE BISHOP. I think I should marry again lest anyone shouldimagine I had found marriage unhappy with Alice.SOAMES [sternly] Are you fonder of your wife than of yoursalvation?THE BISHOP. Oh, very much. When you meet a man who is veryparticular about his salvation, look out for a woman who is veryparticular about her character; and marry them to one another:theyll make a perfect pair. I advise you to fall in love;Anthony.SOAMES [with horror] I!!THE BISHOP. Yes, you! think of what it would do for you. For hersake you would come to care unselfishly and diligently for moneyinstead of being selfishly and lazily indifferent to it. For hersake you would come to care in the same way for preferment. Forher sake you would come to care for your health, your appearance,the good opinion of your fellow creatures, and all the reallyimportant things that make men work and strive instead of mooningand nursing their salvation.SOAMES. In one word, for the sake of one deadly sin I should cometo care for all the others.THE BISHOP. Saint Anthony! Tempt him, Mrs Collins: tempt him.MRS GEORGE [rising and looking strangely before her] Take care,my lord: you still have the power to make me obey your commands.And do you, Mr Sexton, beware of an empty heart.THE BISHOP. Yes. Nature abhors a vacuum, Anthony. I would notdare go about with an empty heart: why, the first girl I metwould fly into it by mere atmospheric pressure. Alice keeps themout now. Mrs Collins knows.MRS GEORGE [a faint convulsion passing like a wave over her] Iknow more than either of you. One of you has not yet exhaustedhis first love: the other has not yet reached it. But I—I—[shereels and is again convulsed].THE BISHOP [saving her from falling] Whats the matter? Are youill, Mrs Collins? [He gets her back into her chair]. Soames:theres a glass of water in the study—quick. [Soames hurries tothe study door.]MRS. GEORGE. No. [Soames stops]. Dont call. Dont bring anyone.Cant you hear anything?THE BISHOP. Nothing unusual. [He sits by her, watching her withintense surprise and interest].MRS GEORGE. No music?SOAMES. No. [He steals to the end of the table and sits on herright, equally interested].MRS GEORGE. Do you see nothing—not a great light?THE BISHOP. We are still walking in darkness.MRS GEORGE. Put your hand on my forehead: the hand with the ring.[He does so. Her eyes close].SOAMES [inspired to prophesy] There was a certain woman, the wifeof a coal merchant, which had been a great sinner . . .The Bishop, startled, takes his hand away. Mrs George's eyes openvividly as she interrupts Soames.MRS GEORGE. You prophesy falsely, Anthony: never in all my lifehave I done anything that was not ordained for me. [More quietly]Ive been myself. Ive not been afraid of myself. And at last Ihave escaped from myself, and am become a voice for them that areafraid to speak, and a cry for the hearts that break in silence.SOAMES [whispering] Is she inspired?THE BISHOP. Marvellous. Hush.MRS GEORGE. I have earned the right to speak. I have dared: Ihave gone through: I have not fallen withered in the fire: I havecome at last out beyond, to the back of Godspeed?THE BISHOP. And what do you see there, at the back of Godspeed?SOAMES [hungrily] Give us your message.MRS GEORGE [with intensely sad reproach] When you loved me I gaveyou the whole sun and stars to play with. I gave you eternity ina single moment, strength of the mountains in one clasp of yourarms, and the volume of all the seas in one impulse of yoursouls. A moment only; but was it not enough? Were you not paidthen for all the rest of your struggle on earth? Must I mend yourclothes and sweep your floors as well? Was it not enough? I paidthe price without bargaining: I bore the children withoutflinching: was that a reason for heaping fresh burdens on me? Icarried the child in my arms: must I carry the father too? When Iopened the gates of paradise, were you blind? was it nothing toyou? When all the stars sang in your ears and all the winds sweptyou into the heart of heaven, were you deaf? were you dull? was Ino more to you than a bone to a dog? Was it not enough? We spenteternity together; and you ask me for a little lifetime more. Wepossessed all the universe together; and you ask me to give youmy scanty wages as well. I have given you the greatest of allthings; and you ask me to give you little things. I gave you yourown soul: you ask me for my body as a plaything. Was it notenough? Was it not enough?SOAMES. Do you understand this, my lord?THE BISHOP. I have that advantage over you, Anthony, thanks toAlice. [He takes Mrs George's hand]. Your hand is very cold. Canyou come down to earth? Do you remember who I am, and who youare?MRS GEORGE. It was enough for me. I did not ask to meet you—totouch you—[the Bishop quickly releases her hand]. When you spoketo my soul years ago from your pulpit, you opened the doors of mysalvation to me; and now they stand open for ever. It was enough:I have asked you for nothing since: I ask you for nothing now. Ihave lived: it is enough. I have had my wages; and I am ready formy work. I thank you and bless you and leave you. You are happierin that than I am; for when I do for men what you did for me, Ihave no thanks, and no blessing: I am their prey; and there isno rest from their loving and no mercy from their loathing.THE BISHOP. You must take us as we are, Mrs Collins.SOAMES. No. Take us as we are capable of becoming.MRS GEORGE. Take me as I am: I ask no more. [She turns her headto the study door and cries] Yes: come in, come in.Hotchkiss comes softly in from the study.HOTCHKISS. Will you be so kind as to tell me whether I amdreaming? In there I have heard Mrs Collins saying the strangestthings, and not a syllable from you two.SOAMES. My lord; is this possession by the devil?THE BISHOP. Or the ecstasy of a saint?HOTCHKISS. Or the convulsion of the pythoness on the tripod?THE BISHOP. May not the three be one?MRS GEORGE [troubled] You are paining and tiring me with idlequestions. You are dragging me back to myself. You are tormentingme with your evil dreams of saints and devils and—what was it?—[striving to fathom it] the pythoness—the pythoness—[giving itup] I dont understand. I am a woman: a human creature likeyourselves. Will you not take me as I am?SOAMES. Yes; but shall we take you and burn you?THE BISHOP. Or take you and canonize you?HOTCHKISS [gaily] Or take you as a matter of course? [Swiftly tothe Bishop] We must get her out of this: it's dangerous. [Aloudto her] May I suggest that you shall be Anthony's devil and theBishop's saint and my adored Polly? [Slipping behind her, hepicks up her hand from her lap and kisses it over her shoulder].MRS GEORGE [waking] What was that? Who kissed my hand? [To theBishop, eagerly] Was it you? [He shakes his head. She ismortified]. I beg your pardon.THE BISHOP. Not at all. I'm not repudiating that honor. Allow me[he kisses her hand].MRS GEORGE. Thank you for that. It was not the sexton, was it?SOAMES. I!HOTCHKISS. It was I, Polly, your ever faithful.MRS GEORGE [turning and seeing him] Let me catch you doing itagain: thats all. How do you come there? I sent you away. [Withgreat energy, becoming quite herself again] What the goodnessgracious has been happening?HOTCHKISS. As far as I can make out, you have been having a verycharming and eloquent sort of fit.MRS GEORGE [delighted] What! My second sight! [To the Bishop] Oh,how I have prayed that it might come to me if ever I met you! Andnow it has come. How stunning! You may believe every word I said:I cant remember it now; but it was something that was justbursting to be said; and so it laid hold of me and said itself.Thats how it is, you see.Edith and Cecil Sykes come in through the tower. She has her haton. Leo follows. They have evidently been out together. Sykes,with an unnatural air, half foolish, half rakish, as if he hadlost all his self-respect and were determined not to let it preyon his spirits, throws himself into a chair at the end of thetable near the hearth and thrusts his hands into his pockets,like Hogarth's Rake, without waiting for Edith to sit down. Shesits in the railed chair. Leo takes the chair nearest the toweron the long side of the table, brooding, with closed lips.THE BISHOP. Have you been out, my dear?EDITH. Yes.THE BISHOP. With Cecil?EDITH. Yes.THE BISHOP. Have you come to an understanding?No reply. Blank silence.SYKES. You had better tell them, Edie.EDITH. Tell them yourself.The General comes in from the garden.THE GENERAL [coming forward to the table] Can anybody oblige mewith some tobacco? Ive finished mine; and my nerves are still farfrom settled.THE BISHOP. Wait a moment, Boxer. Cecil has something importantto tell us.SYKES. Weve done it. Thats all.HOTCHKISS. Done what, Cecil?SYKES. Well, what do you suppose?EDITH. Got married, of course.THE GENERAL. Married! Who gave you away?SYKES [jerking his head towards the tower] This gentlemandid.[Seeing that they do not understand, he looks round and seesthat there is no one there]. Oh! I thought he came in with us.Hes gone downstairs, I suppose. The Beadle.THE GENERAL. The Beadle! What the devil did he do that for?SYKES. Oh, I dont know: I didnt make any bargain with him. [ToMrs George] How much ought I to give him, Mrs Collins?MRS GEORGE. Five shillings. [To the Bishop] I want to rest for amoment: there! in your study. I saw it here [she touches herforehead].THE BISHOP [opening the study door for her] By all means. Turn mybrother out if he disturbs you. Soames: bring the letters outhere.SYKES. He wont be offended at my offering it, will he?MRS GEORGE. Not he! He touches children with the mace to curethem of ringworm for fourpence apiece. [She goes into the study.Soames follows her].THE GENERAL. Well, Edith, I'm a little disappointed, I mustsay. However, I'm glad it was done by somebody in a publicuniform.Mrs Bridgenorth and Lesbia come in through the tower. MrsBridgenorth makes for the Bishop. He goes to her, and they meetnear the oak chest. Lesbia comes between Sykes and Edith.THE BISHOP. Alice, my love, theyre married.MRS BRIDGENORTH [placidly] Oh, well, thats all right. Better tellCollins.Soames comes back from the study with his writing materials. Heseats himself at the nearest end of the table and goes on withhis work. Hotchkiss sits down in the next chair round the tablecorner, with his back to him.LESBIA. You have both given in, have you?EDITH. Not at all. We have provided for everything.SOAMES. How?EDITH. Before going to the church, we went to the office of thatinsurance company—whats its name, Cecil?SYKES. The British Family Insurance Corporation. It insures youagainst poor relations and all sorts of family contingencies.EDITH. It has consented to insure Cecil against libel actionsbrought against him on my account. It will give us specially lowterms because I am a Bishop's daughter.SYKES. And I have given Edie my solemn word that if I ever commita crime I'll knock her down before a witness and go off toBrighton with another lady.LESBIA. Thats what you call providing for everything! [She goesto the middle of the table on the garden side and sits down].LEO. Do make him see there are no worms before he knocks youdown, Edith. Wheres Rejjy?REGINALD [coming in from the study] Here. Whats the matter?LEO [springing up and flouncing round to him] Whats the matter!You may well ask. While Edie and Cecil were at the insuranceoffice I took a taxy and went off to your lodgings; and a nicemess I found everything in. Your clothes are in a disgracefulstate. Your liver pad has been made into a kettle-holder. Youreno more fit to be left to yourself than a one-year old baby.REGINALD. Oh, I cant be bothered looking after things like that.I'm all right.LEO. Youre not: youre a disgrace. You never consider that youre adisgrace to me: you think only of yourself. You must come homewith me and be taken proper care of: my conscience will not allowme to let you live like a pig. [She arranges his necktie]. Youmust stay with me until I marry St John; and then we can adoptyou or something.REGINALD [breaking loose from her and stumping off past Hotchkisstowards the hearth] No, I'm dashed if I'll be adopted by St John.You can adopt him if you like.HOTCHKISS [rising] I suggest that that would really be the betterplan, Leo. Ive a confession to make to you. I'm not the man youtook me for. Your objection to Rejjy was that he had low tastes.REGINALD [turning] Was it? by George!LEO. I said slovenly habits. I never thought he had really lowtastes until I saw that woman in court. How he could have chosensuch a creature and let her write to him after—REGINALD. Is this fair? I never—HOTCHKISS. Of course you didnt, Rejjy. Dont be silly, Leo. It's Iwho really have low tastes.LEO. You!HOTCHKISS. Ive fallen in love with a coal merchant's wife. Iadore her. I would rather have one of her boot-laces than a lockof your hair. [He folds his arms and stands like a rock].REGINALD. You damned scoundrel, how dare you throw my wife overlike that before my face? [He seems on the point of assaultingHotchkiss when Leo gets between them and draws Reginald awaytowards the study door].LEO. Dont take any notice of him, Rejjy. Go at once and get thatodious decree demolished or annulled or whatever it is. Tell SirGorell Barnes that I have changed my mind. [To Hotchkiss] I mighthave known that you were too clever to be really a gentleman.[She takes Reginald away to the oak chest and seats him there. Hechuckles. Hotchkiss resumes his seat, brooding].THE BISHOP. All the problems appear to be solving themselves.LESBIA. Except mine.THE GENERAL. But, my dear Lesbia, you see what has happened hereto-day. [Coming a little nearer and bending his face towardshers] Now I put it to you, does it not show you the folly of notmarrying?LESBIA. No: I cant say it does. And [rising] you have beensmoking again.THE GENERAL. You drive me to it, Lesbia. I cant help it.LESBIA [standing behind her chair with her hands on the back ofit and looking radiant] Well, I wont scold you to-day. I feel inparticularly good humor just now.TIE GENERAL. May I ask why, Lesbia?LESBIA. [drawing a large breath] To think that after all thedangers of the morning I am still unmarried! still independent!still my own mistress! still a glorious strong-minded old maid ofold England!Soames silently springs up and makes a long stretch from his endof the table to shake her hand across it.THE GENERAL. Do you find any real happiness in being your ownmistress? Would it not be more generous—would you not be happieras some one else's mistress—LESBIA. Boxer!THE GENERAL [rising, horrified] No, no, you must know, my dearLesbia, that I was not using the word in its improper sense. I amsometimes unfortunate in my choice of expressions; but you knowwhat I mean. I feel sure you would be happier as my wife.LESBIA. I daresay I should, in a frowsy sort of way. But I prefermy dignity and my independence. I'm afraid I think this rage forhappiness rather vulgar.THE GENERAL. Oh, very well, Lesbia. I shall not ask you again.[He sits down huffily].LESBIA. You will, Boxer; but it will be no use. [She also sitsdown again and puts her hand almost affectionately on his]. Someday I hope to make a friend of you; and then we shall get on verynicely.THE GENERAL [starting up again] Ha! I think you are hard, Lesbia.I shall make a fool of myself if I remain here. Alice: I shall gointo the garden for a while.COLLINS [appearing in the tower] I think everything is in ordernow, maam.THE GENERAL [going to him] Oh, by the way, could you oblige me[the rest of the sentence is lost in a whisper].COLLINS. Certainly, General. [He takes out a tobacco pouch andhands it to the General, who takes it and goes into the garden].LESBIA. I dont believe theres a man in England who really andtruly loves his wife as much as he loves his pipe.THE BISHOP. By the way, what has happened to the wedding party?SYKES. I dont know. There wasnt a soul in the church when we weremarried except the pew opener and the curate who did the job.EDITH. They had all gone home.MRS BRIDGENORTH. But the bridesmaids?COLLINS. Me and the beadle have been all over the place in acouple of taxies, maam; and weve collected them all. They were agood deal disappointed on account of their dresses, and thoughtit rather irregular; but theyve agreed to come to the breakfast.The truth is, theyre wild with curiosity to know how it allhappened. The organist held on until the organ was nigh worn out,and himself worse than the organ. He asked me particularly totell you, my lord, that he held back Mendelssohn till the verylast; but when that was gone he thought he might as well go too.So he played God Save The King and cleared out the church. He'scoming to the breakfast to explain.LEO. Please remember, Collins, that there is no truth whateverin the rumor that I am separated from my husband, or that thereis, or ever has been, anything between me and Mr Hotchkiss.COLLINS. Bless you, maam! one could always see that. [To MrsBridgenorth] Will you receive here or in the hall, maam?MRS BRIDGENORTH. In the hall. Alfred: you and Boxer must go thereand be ready to keep the first arrivals talking till we come. Wehave to dress Edith. Come, Lesbia: come, Leo: we must all help.Now, Edith. [Lesbia, Leo, and Edith go out through the tower].Collins: we shall want you when Miss Edith's dressed to look overher veil and things and see that theyre all right.COLLINS. Yes, maam. Anything you would like mentioned about MissLesbia, maam?MRS BRIDGENORTH. No. She wont have the General. I think you maytake that as final.COLLINS. What a pity, maam! A fine lady wasted, maam. [They shaketheir heads sadly; and Mrs Bridgenorth goes out through thetower].THE BISHOP. I'm going to the hall, Collins, to receive. Rejjy: goand tell Boxer; and come both of you to help with the small talk.Come, Cecil. [He goes out through the tower, followed by Sykes].REGINALD [to Hotchkiss] Youve always talked a precious lot aboutbehaving like a gentleman. Well, if you think youve behaved likea gentleman to Leo, youre mistaken. And I shall have to take herpart, remember that.HOTCHKISS. I understand. Your doors are closed to me.REGINALD [quickly] Oh no. Dont be hasty. I think I should likeyou to drop in after a while, you know. She gets so cross andupset when theres nobody to liven up the house a bit.HOTCHKISS. I'll do my best.REGINALD [relieved] Righto. You wont mind, old chap, do you?HOTCHKISS. It's Fate. Ive touched coal; and my hands are black;but theyre clean. So long, Rejjy. [They shake hands; and Reginaldgoes into the garden to collect Boxer].COLLINS. Excuse me, sir; but do you stay to breakfast? Your nameis on one of the covers; and I should like to change it if yourenot remaining.HOTCHKISS. How do I know? Is my destiny any longer in my ownhands? Go: ask SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED.COLLINS [awestruck] Has Mrs George taken a fancy to you, sir?HOTCHKISS. Would she had! Worse, man, worse: Ive taken a fancy toMrs George.COLLINS. Dont despair, sir: if George likes your conversationyoull find their house a very pleasant one—livelier than MrReginald's was, I daresay.HOTCHKISS [calling] Polly.COLLINS [promptly] Oh, if it's come to Polly already, sir, Ishould say you were all right.Mrs George appears at the door of the study.HOTCHKISS. Your brother-in-law wishes to know whether I'm to stayfor the wedding breakfast. Tell him.MRS GEORGE. He stays, Bill, if he chooses to behave himself.HOTCHKISS [to Collins] May I, as a friend of the family, have theprivilege of calling you Bill?COLLINS. With pleasure, sir, I'm sure, sir.HOTCHKISS. My own pet name in the bosom of my family is Sonny.MRS GEORGE. Why didnt you tell me that before? Sonny is just thename I wanted for you. [She pats his cheek familiarly; he risesabruptly and goes to the hearth, where he throws himself moodilyinto the railed chair] Bill: I'm not going into the hall untilthere are enough people there to make a proper little court forme. Send the Beadle for me when you think it looks good enough.COLLINS. Right, maam. [He goes out through the tower].Mrs George left alone with Hotchkiss and Soames, suddenly putsher hands on Soames's shoulders and bends over him.MRS GEORGE. The Bishop said I was to tempt you, Anthony.SOAMES [without looking round] Woman: go away.MRS GEORGE. Anthony:"When other lips and other heartsTheir tale of love shall tellHOTCHKISS [sardonically]In language whose excess impartsThe power they feel so well.MRS GEORGE.Though hollow hearts may wear a mask,Twould break your own to seeIn such a moment I but askThat youll remember me."And you will, Anthony. I shall put my spell on you.SOAMES. Do you think that a man who has sung the Magnificat andadored the Queen of Heaven has any ears for such trash as that orany eyes for such trash as you—saving your poor little soul'spresence. Go home to your duties, woman.MRS GEORGE [highly approving his fortitude] Anthony: I adopt youas my father. Thats the talk! Give me a man whose whole lifedoesnt hang on some scrubby woman in the next street; and I'llnever let him go [she slaps him heartily on the back].SOAMES. Thats enough. You have another man to talk to. I'm busy.MRS GEORGE [leaving Soames and going a step or two nearerHotchkiss] Why arnt you like him, Sonny? Why do you hang on to ascrubby woman in the next street?HOTCHKISS [thoughtfully] I must apologize to Billiter.MRS GEORGE. Who is Billiter?HOTCHKISS. A man who eats rice pudding with a spoon. Ive beeneating rice pudding with a spoon ever since I saw you first.[Herises]. We all eat our rice pudding with a spoon, dont we,Soames?SOAMES. We are members of one another. There is no need to referto me. In the first place, I'm busy: in the second, youll find itall in the Church Catechism, which contains most of the newdiscoveries with which the age is bursting. Of course you shouldapologize to Billiter. He is your equal. He will go to the sameheaven if he behaves himself and to the same hell if he doesnt.MRS GEORGE [sitting down] And so will my husband the coalmerchant.HOTCHKISS. If I were your husband's superior here I should be hissuperior in heaven or hell: equality lies deeper than that. Thecoal merchant and I are in love with the same woman. That settlesthe question for me for ever. [He prowls across the kitchen tothe garden door, deep in thought].SOAMES. Psha!MRS GEORGE. You dont believe in women, do you, Anthony? He mightas well say that he and George both like fried fish.HOTCHKISS. I do not like fried fish. Dont be low, Polly.SOAMES. Woman: do not presume to accuse me of unbelief. And doyou, Hotchkiss, not despise this woman's soul because she speaksof fried fish. Some of the victims of the Miraculous Draught ofFishes were fried. And I eat fried fish every Friday and like it.You are as ingrained a snob as ever.HOTCHKISS [impatiently] My dear Anthony: I find you merelyridiculous as a preacher, because you keep referring me to placesand documents and alleged occurrences in which, as a matter offact, I dont believe. I dont believe in anything but my own willand my own pride and honor. Your fishes and your catechisms andall the rest of it make a charming poem which you call yourfaith. It fits you to perfection; but it doesnt fit me. I happen,like Napoleon, to prefer Mohammedanism. [Mrs George, associatingMohammedanism with polygamy, looks at him with quick suspicion].I believe the whole British Empire will adopt a reformedMohammedanism before the end of the century. The character ofMahomet is congenial to me. I admire him, and share his views oflife to a considerable extent. That beats you, you see, Soames.Religion is a great force—the only real motive force in the world;but what you fellows dont understand is that you must get at a manthrough his own religion and not through yours. Instead of facingthat fact, you persist in trying to convert all men to your ownlittle sect, so that you can use it against them afterwards. Youare all missionaries and proselytizers trying to uproot thenative religion from your neighbor's flowerbeds and plant yourown in its place. You would rather let a child perish inignorance than have it taught by a rival sectary. You can talk tome of the quintessential equality of coal merchants and Britishofficers; and yet you cant see the quintessential equality of allthe religions. Who are you, anyhow, that you should know betterthan Mahomet or Confucius or any of the other Johnnies who havebeen on this job since the world existed?MRS GEORGE [admiring his eloquence] George will like you, Sonny.You should hear him talking about the Church.SOAMES. Very well, then: go to your doom, both of you. There isonly one religion for me: that which my soul knows to be true;but even irreligion has one tenet; and that is the sacredness ofmarriage. You two are on the verge of deadly sin. Do you denythat?HOTCHKISS. You forget, Anthony: the marriage itself is the deadlysin according to you.SOAMES. The question is not now what I believe, but what youbelieve. Take the vows with me; and give up that woman if youhave the strength and the light. But if you are still in the gripof this world, at least respect its institutions. Do you believein marriage or do you not?HOTCHKISS. My soul is utterly free from any such superstition. Isolemnly declare that between this woman, as you impolitely callher, and me, I see no barrier that my conscience bids me respect.I loathe the whole marriage morality of the middle classes withall my instincts. If I were an eighteenth century marquis I couldfeel no more free with regard to a Parisian citizen's wife than Ido with regard to Polly. I despise all this domestic puritybusiness as the lowest depth of narrow, selfish, sensual, wife-grabbing vulgarity.MRS GEORGE [rising promptly] Oh, indeed. Then youre not cominghome with me, young man. I'm sorry; for its refreshing to havemet once in my life a man who wasnt frightened by my weddingring; but I'm looking out for a friend and not for a Frenchmarquis; so youre not coming home with me.HOTCHKISS [inexorably] Yes, I am.MRS GEORGE. No.HOTCHKISS. Yes. Think again. You know your set pretty well, Isuppose, your petty tradesmen's set. You know all its scandalsand hypocrisies, its jealousies and squabbles, its hundred ofdivorce cases that never come into court, as well as its tensthat do.MRS GEORGE. We're not angels. I know a few scandals; but most ofus are too dull to be anything but good.HOTCHKISS. Then you must have noticed that just an all murderers,judging by their edifying remarks on the scaffold, seem to bedevout Christians, so all Christians, both male and female, areinvariably people over-flowing with domestic sentimentality andprofessions of respect for the conventions they violate insecret.MRS GEORGE. Well, you dont expect them to give themselves away,do you?HOTCHKISS. They are people of sentiment, not of honor. Now, I'mnot a man of sentiment, but a man of honor. I know well what willhappen to me when once I cross the threshold of your husband'shouse and break bread with him. This marriage bond which Idespise will bind me as it never seems to bind the people whobelieve in it, and whose chief amusement it is to go to thetheatres where it is laughed at. Soames: youre a Communist, arntyou?SOAMES. I am a Christian. That obliges me to be a Communist.HOTCHKISS. And you believe that many of our landed estates werestolen from the Church by Henry the eighth?SOAMES. I do not merely believe that: I know it as a lawyer.HOTCHKISS. Would you steal a turnip from one of the landlords ofthose stolen lands?SOAMES [fencing with the question] They have no right to theirlands.HOTCHKISS. Thats not what I ask you. Would you steal a turnipfrom one of the fields they have no right to?SOAMES. I do not like turnips.HOTCHKISS. As you are a lawyer, answer me.SOAMES. I admit that I should probably not do so. I shouldperhaps be wrong not to steal the turnip: I cant defend myreluctance to do so; but I think I should not do so. I know Ishould not do so.HOTCHKISS. Neither shall I be able to steal George's wife. I havestretched out my hand for that forbidden fruit before; and I knowthat my hand will always come back empty. To disbelieve inmarriage is easy: to love a married woman is easy; but to betraya comrade, to be disloyal to a host, to break the covenant ofbread and salt, is impossible. You may take me home with you,Polly: you have nothing to fear.MRS GEORGE. And nothing to hope?HOTCHKISS. Since you put it in that more than kind way, Polly,absolutely nothing.MRS GEORGE. Hm! Like most men, you think you know everything awoman wants, dont you? But the thing one wants most has nothingto do with marriage at all. Perhaps Anthony here has a glimmeringof it. Eh, Anthony?SOAMES. Christian fellowship?MRS GEORGE. You call it that, do you?SOAMES. What do you call it?COLLINS [appearing in the tower with the Beadle]. Now, Polly, thehall's full; and theyre waiting for you.