Scene.—The Vicarage Library (according to plan).
Time.—Early next morning.
(When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning sun shines in through the chinks of the shutters;Lucyenters in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket on chairR.,crosses toO.P.windows, opens shutters, and draws curtains—crosses to back and does the same; then waves handkerchief toThorsby,and runs up stairs again; stands looking off, to see no one has heard; after a momentThorsbyenters; steals to balustrade and kissesLucy'shand, which is on the balustrade.)
(When the Act opens the stage is dark, but the morning sun shines in through the chinks of the shutters;Lucyenters in white biking costume; she steals downstairs, puts jacket on chairR.,crosses toO.P.windows, opens shutters, and draws curtains—crosses to back and does the same; then waves handkerchief toThorsby,and runs up stairs again; stands looking off, to see no one has heard; after a momentThorsbyenters; steals to balustrade and kissesLucy'shand, which is on the balustrade.)
Thor.Darling!
Lucy.Hush!
Thor.Mustn't I?—on our wedding day?
Lucy.No!
Thor.Oh!
Lucy.At least—whatever you wish to convey to me must be done in dumb show.
Thor.I see. (he kisses her)
Lucy.Mind my hat. (looks off) When we have been married a few years you'll realize that my hats must be treated very respectfully.
Thor.I suppose the household is still in bed?
Lucy.Yes. (crosses to settle and sits onR.end) I crept downstairs feeling like a burglar. I had one awful moment—I stumbled over Auntie's shoes—they were outside her door.
Thor.My dearest—that was rather careless. (leans on post)
Lucy.Careless! Auntie's shoes aren't easy to avoid in a narrow passage. It was all right. Uncle and Aunty were still asleep—I could hear them——
Thor.And Captain Dorvaston?
Lucy.Oh! I expect Jack was asleep, too, not dreaming the hour of his emancipation was at hand. Poor old Jack! I wish he was coming with us.
Thor.Hum! Do you?
Lucy.I wish he could have given me away.
Thor.I—hardly share that feeling.
Lucy.You don't know him; he'd have done it in a minute if I'd asked him. I'd have told him all about it, only he's such a clumsy old duffer; he might have given me away in a different sense.
Thor.You seem to place great reliance on his affection for you.
Lucy.He has tons of affection for me—tons—but not love—at least, not the business article you and I deal in. (Thorsbygoes to embrace her, she waves him off) By the way, Harry, (she is putting on her gloves) there are one or two points we have never properly settled.
Thor.What are they?
Lucy.I mean to be a clinking parson's wife.
Thor.Darling! (moves to her, she waves him off as before)
Lucy.Hold on! I mean to be a clinking parson's wife, but I have my limitations. Church on Sunday—how many times?
Thor.(hesitatingly) Three?
Lucy.Oh, no! Mornings generally, evenings sometimes, afternoons never.
Thor.Never?
Lucy.Never! (Thorsbymoves toC.;Lucyrises and follows) Now you're shocked—your face has grown a couple of inches longer. Well, if I'm not orthodox enough for you it's off, and I'll go back to bed again. (moves to go)
Thor.Lucy dear, (catches her arm) in answer to what you said, I shall merely exact one promise.
Lucy.Which is?
Thor.That in all things—and in all seasons—you will do—or not do—whatever you please. Do you promise?
Lucy.(after slight pause. She puts left hand on shoulder) Harry, I do promise; it shall be exactly as you say. Indeed, indeed, I'll keep my word. Now then, fasten my glove, and we'll go and get it over. (he proceeds to fasten her glove, asCarolineenters, carrying a small tray with coffee, bread and butter, etc.; she also carries a large shoe under her arm)
Car.(at top of stairs) I beg your pardon. (LucyandThorsbyare much startled.Thorsbymoves away towards tableR.C.)
Lucy.Cook!
Thor.Dear me!
Car.I hope I didn't startle you?
Lucy.Oh, no!
Thor.Not at all!
Car.(comes down, and stands at bottom of stairs) I thought you might like a cup of coffee (smiling) to help you face the ordeal.
Lucy.Was that why you wanted to know last night what time I meant to start?
Car.No. I told you I wanted to think of you, and wish you luck. The coffee was an afterthought.
Lucy.I see.
Car.Won't you both sit down and have it comfortably?
Lucy.Is it safe to wait? (crosses upC.and looks off—anxiously)
Car.Quite.
Lucy.Keziah?
Car.Keziah is not awake—I wrapped the alarum in a blanket. (Lucycrosses to top;ThorsbytoR.;Cookcrosses to top of chair and puts tray on table and shoe on chairL.;LucyandThorsbythen sit)
Lucy.It has probably dawned on you, Harry, that Cook is a good friend of ours?
Thor.It has, indeed! (he rises, bows—sits again)
Car.Cook was once young herself—it was some yearsago—but she hasn't forgotten the circumstances. (toLucy) Milk and sugar?
Lucy.Thanks. (she holds cup to her)
Car.Mr. Thorsby?
Thor.If you please—two lumps. (she hands cup to him)
Car.Bread and butter? (they both take some) It isn't up to much—yesterday's loaf—but it was the best I could do. And how do you both feel? Nervous?
Lucy.Beastly nervous! (eating)
Thor.(eating) The moment is naturally a solemn one. I feel anxious, but not nervous. (takes up cup and drinks)
Lucy.Oh, it's all right for you; you've tied up such a lot of poor misguided people, that you know the words backwards. It's different with me—I know I shall bungle it.
Car.There are only three words that really signify.
Lucy.Which three?
Car.Love, honor, and obey.
Lucy.I think I can manage the first two, but I mean to slur the third, (Thorsbydrops cup in saucer) cough, or sneeze or something.
Thor.(toCaroline,smiling) That sounds rather an alarming prospect. Don't you pity me?
Car.(glancing atLucy,and also smiling) No, I don't think I do. (crossesC.) How do you go to Church?
Lucy.(rising) We are going to bike there. By-the-bye, would you tell somebody—Auntie or Jack—anybody will do—that I've run over to see my friend, Jenny Thornton, and they're not to wait breakfast?
Thor.(rising) My dear Lucy, ought we to involve a third person in our deception?
Car.The third person hasn't a very tender conscience in such matters. (toLucy) I'll tell your little fib for you with pleasure.
Lucy.(leans over chair, sees shoe) There, Harry, I knew she would. Thank you, Cook. (taking up the shoe whichCookhas placed on a chair) What's this?
Car.(C.) I wanted to throw a shoe after you, and that was the only one I could find. It's one of your Aunt's—she put it outside her door to be cleaned.
Thor.Dear me! It looks rather formidable.
Car.Itislarge! We'll hope that the luck it brings will be proportionate. Now, I should say it was time for you to go.
Thor.(going up to window) Yes, I don't think we ought to delay.
Lucy.(puts shoe down again, crosses up to window, and down to below tableC.) All right, come along. Stop a second though. I say, Harry, have you got everything?
Thor.(returns fromR.) Got everything? (Cookcrosses to back of table, and puts things on tray)
Lucy.Everybody's fee. I should like to do the thing well.
Thor.Yes.
Lucy.How about the ring?
Thor.Eh? Oh, yes, I—(searching his pockets) I bought it yesterday. (still searching)
Lucy.Very likely, but have you got it with you to-day?
Thor.I certainly think so. I have a distinct recollection of putting it in my waistcoat pocket. (still searching)
Lucy.You've lost it. (toCook) There's a pretty mess!
Thor.Ah! here it is. (Cookcrosses toC.) There is a hole in the pocket, and it had slipped down into the lining.
Lucy.(toCook) Thank goodness! That would have been a nice thing, wouldn't it?
Car.(toLucy) Will you wear this? It's only syringa, but it looks like orange blossom. (LucyandThorsbyexchange glances) I picked it for you this morning.
Lucy.(fixing it) Youhavebeen kind to me, and I've no means of thanking you. Will you stoop down and let me kiss you? (Cookdoes so) I'm afraid that's all I can do.
Car.I'm quite repaid. I fancy Mr. Thorsby agrees with me. (Lucycrosses up to window)
Thor.(goes upR.a little; takesLucy'scoat with him) Good-bye! May I add my thanks also?
Car.Not at all. Good-bye.
Lucy.(crosses down again toCook) It isn't good-bye—we're coming back as soon as it's over; and we mean to tell everything to everybody. So we shall see you again.
Car.One never knows what may happen. I think we'll make it good-bye. (puts hand onLucy'sshoulder) Now, go along and get married, and live happy ever after, as they do in the fairy tales. (Thorsbygoes out of the window;Lucyfollows, but turns and kisses herhand. They go)
(Cookfollows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns for tray.Dorvastonenters fromO. P.door.)
(Cookfollows them to the verandah, and throws shoe as she returns for tray.Dorvastonenters fromO. P.door.)
Dor.Hulloa! Good-morning!
Car.(at top of table) Good morning. Rather a close shave.
Dor.I beg your pardon?
Car.Nothing! (is taking up tray)
Dor.(at top of tableR.ofCook) Look here, don't go. I want to have half a word with you.
Car.Well?
Dor.I—saw to that little job.
Car.Yes?
Dor.I—put him in the ditch.
Car.Thanks. Did he say anything?
Dor.(top of table) He muttered something about another whiskey, and that he would like to be called about nine. Now would you mind telling me a little about it all? Give you my word it ain't mere curiosity, it's interest in you and everything that concerns you.
Car.(at back of chairL.) I told you the chief thing last night. Mr. Crayll was my husband at one time.
Dor.You say he was your husband.
Car.Yes. We are divorced.
Dor.Oh, that was it! (pause) I haven't known your—er—I haven't known Crayll more than a day or two, but I can see he's an awful little swine. I suppose he treated you anyhow?
Car.Yes. Is there anything else you would like me to tell you?
Dor.It's extraordinary good of you to give me your confidence.
Car.You've earned it. (takes tray, and turns)
Dor.(crosses behind her, to herL.) Well then, I say, what are you going to do now?
Car.See to the breakfast.
Dor.No, no! I mean about—Miss Pillenger—and—the broom cupboard. There'll be an infernal row, and I'm afraid you'll get beans.
Car.(smiles) I'm used to handling all kinds of vegetables. (Dorvastonlaughs too) As I told you last night, it doesn't matter.
Dor.(sitsL.of table) But, by George, itdoesmatter! When I asked you then to let me be of use to you, I put it to you as a favor, now I ask it as a right. I got youinto this mess, simply through my beastly clumsiness, and you've got to let me see you through it somehow.
Car.(back of table) News has reached me, in rather a roundabout way, that I have come into some money; so you see I'm independent—of Miss Pillenger—and the broom cupboard.
Dor.Really?
Car.Really!
Dor.You're not—pulling my leg?
Car.(smiling) No!
Dor.Then I'm devilish glad for your sake, and devilish sorry for my own. I thought at last I saw my way—to doing you a turn.
Car.(places her hand on chair at back ofDorvaston) My life hasn't been a very pleasant one, but in one respect I've been lucky, I have known two men who honestly tried to befriend a woman.
Dor.Who was the other chap?
Car.His name is Carruthers.
Dor.Not old Bob? (rises and backsC.)
Car.(affirmatively) Old Bob.
Dor.Why, he's a dear pal of mine!
Car.Is he?
Dor.And did he try to be a pal toyou?
Car.I was thinking of his kindness to Lady Huntworth.
Dor.Ah, how about Lady Huntworth? Did you know her?
Car.Yes! (smiling) We are rather intimate—like myself she was unfortunate in her choice of a husband.
Dor.Huntworth brought the divorce, didn't he?
Car.Yes. Thinking he saw his way to marrying another woman, with another fortune, he brought his suit against his wife and your friend.
Dor.Damn him! Pardon! couldn't help it. (crosses and kneels on chairL.of table)
Car.The whole thing was utterly untrue and I know she asked Bob to join her in making no defence rather than remain Lady Huntworth.
Dor.The only thing that rather fogs me is, when the verdict was once given, why didn't Bob marry her?
Car.He did suggest it.
Dor.Well?
Car.She said no.
Dor.Why did she do that?
Car.She knew he didn't care forher, nor she forhim—at least not in that way.
Dor.(rises, crossesC.) Still, it was game of herto refuse! There ain't many women placed as she was who'd have done it. (goes up and leans on balustrade, thinking)
Car.Perhaps not. (pause—takes up tray and crossesC.;as she movesC.Dorvastonturns and places hand on tray) I must go now.
Dor.No, wait one minute. I'm going on duty directly. My duty is to make Lucy a happy little woman and I mean to do it. But you seem to be going down rather a lonely road and I want you to remember that somewhere or other there is an old duffer lumbering about the world who will never forget you—will you remember?
Car.I shall remember. (pulls tray away) Now I really can't stay any longer. (crosses to first step)
Dor.(holding out his hand) I say! (she turns—places tray on balustrade) Will you?
Car.Of course! Why not? (they shake hands)
Dor.Supposing I'd been a free man, do you think you—could——
Car.Oh! (draws hand away and takes up tray, moves to second step) That opens out a very large question. I haven't time to answer that.
Dor.(touches her on shoulder, she turns) I wonder if we shall ever come across each other in the future?
Car.(looking at him) More unlikely things have happened. (mounts third step, turns to him) Good-bye! (exit)
(Dorvastonsinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out cigarette case.Gandyenters, doorR.,and is crossing the stage.)
(Dorvastonsinks into big chair lost in thought, takes out cigarette case.Gandyenters, doorR.,and is crossing the stage.)
Dor.Good morning! (Gandycrosses fromO.P.to steps)
Gan.Mornin'. (C.)
Dor.Got a match about you?
Gan.No. (crosses to mantel) There should be a box 'ere. (goes to mantel) There is! (he brings them toDorvaston)
Dor.(taking them, rises) Thanks! I suppose the papers haven't come yet?
Gan.They 'aven't.
Dor.You seem a trifle down. Not quite your own bright self, are you? (lights cigarette)
Gan.I ain't!
Dor.You went to see your mother, didn't you?
Gan.Yes.
Dor.Hope you found her feeling fit?
Gan.She's fit enough! It's me.
Dor.What's the matter? (hands back matches)
Gan.Weal cutlet for supper—that's wot's the matter! (Dorvastoncrosses up back to window.Gandyputs matches on mantelpiece) I've always done my dooty by mother, so I picked a bit, and then I went to bed and dreamt I was superintendin' my own funeral. Weal cutlet! (crosses up steps) Mother gets above herself.
Dor.(at window) Have you tried a drop of brandy?
Gan.I 'ave. (first step)
Dor.I should try another.
Gan.(second step) I mean to. (Dorvastonstrolls out through the window and offR.Miss PillengerentersL.,Gandygiving way)
Miss P.Gandy, can you tell me what has happened to my shoes?
Gan.No.
Miss P.I put them outside my door last night, but this morning I find one of them still uncleaned and the other has disappeared. You haven't seen it, I suppose?
Gan.I 'aven't.
Miss P.Very singular! (crosses to window up back.Gandygoes up stairs) Have you seen Miss Lucy? She is not in her room!
Gan.No.
(Mr. PillengerentersL.Gandygives way. He has cut his cheek while shaving and is wearing a piece of black sticking plaster.)
(Mr. PillengerentersL.Gandygives way. He has cut his cheek while shaving and is wearing a piece of black sticking plaster.)
Pil.Good morning!
Miss P.Good morning, Audley.
Pil.(toGandy) Has the post come?
Gan.No, it ain't. (he goes offL.)
Miss P.You appear to have had an accident.
Pil.Accident!
Miss P.In completing your toilette.
Pil.Eh? Hum—yes. The razor slipped. My nervous system is slightly disorganized.
Miss P.The result of last night.
Pil.(startled) Last night? I—er—fail to understand you.
Miss P.I was referring to your indisposition.
Pil.Oh!—Ah!—exactly. (crosses to window)
Miss P.Are you going out?
Pil.I thought the fresh morning air might be beneficial.
Miss P.I must ask you to remain. I have a mostpainful subject to talk over with you. (sitsR.)
Pil.Need we deal with it now? Painful subjects should never be discussed on an empty—before breakfast.
Miss P.It does not admit of delay. We may have to face a serious scandal.
Pil.(crosses to chairL.) Scandal! I trust, Hannah, you are weighing your words very carefully.
Miss P.I am not in the habit of speaking heedlessly. What I have to tell you refers to Cook—(Dorvastonappears at the window—he hasMiss Pillenger'sshoe in his hand)—and to Captain Dorvaston.
(Dorvastonenters smoking.)
Pil.Ah! here—is—er—Captain Dorvaston. (he crosses toL.and indicates toDorvastonthatMiss Pillengeris in the room.Dorvastonthrows cigarette away and comes to top of chairR. C.)
Dor.Good morning, sir. Good morning, ma'am! (Miss Pillengerbows frigidly.Dorvastoncrosses to chair)
Pil.Hannah was just—er—mentioning, as you entered, that—you——
Dor.(quietly beating the back of chair with shoe) Yes, I fancied I caught my name. What were you saying, ma'am?
Miss P.I was saying, Captain Dorvaston—— (she notices the shoe) What are you doing with that shoe?
Dor.Just picked it up.
Miss P.Why did you touch it? Your doing so seems to me to be strangely wanting in delicacy.
Dor.Don't see anything indelicate in picking up an old shoe. I found it on the garden path.
Miss P.My shoe on the garden path!
Dor.Yours! I thought it was Gandy's.
Miss P.If you thought to keep me a prisoner in my room by the removal of my shoe, the expedient was abortive. I have several other pairs.
Dor.Don't know what the deuce you're driving at, ma'am. Sorry I disturbed the thing. Shall I put it back?
Miss P.I will thank you to restore it to me. (Dorvastonhands shoe, andMiss Pillengercrosses, and puts it on cabinetR.) Thank you! (she returns and sitsL.of table) Now, with your permission, I will resume what I was saying to Mr. Pillenger when you came in. (the men exchange glances) I warned you last night I should consider it my duty to acquaint Lucy with the details of—my—very painful discovery (Dorvastonstarts to go off at window;Pillengerfollows his example upstairs) but I find she has gone out for a walk—at least so I imagine. Well—Audley—Audley (Miss PillengercallsPillengerback, and he callsDorvastonback;Pillengersits on settle, andDorvastonleans on balustrade) Well, Audley, the painful discovery I allude to was this. After returning home last night I had occasion to visit the kitchen in order to speak to Cook for a moment. While doing so, I heard a mysterious noise. I investigated its origin, and found Captain Dorvaston concealed in the broom cupboard. He was unable to give me any lucid explanation. I now leave the matter in your hands. (slight pause)
Dor.I don't know whether it's much good me saying anything—is it, sir?
Pil.(rises) I think otherwise. (Dorvastonsurprised) I shall be very happy to hear anything you care to tell me. Appearances are often misleading.
Miss P.But, Audley, surely——
Pil.Hannah, the matter has now been submitted to my judgment. I shall not approach it in a spirit of carping doubt. If our dear friend can give us his personal assurance that the whole thing was—a—little joke for instance——
Miss P.A little joke!
Pil.If he could tell us that in concealing himself in the—er—broom cupboard, he had an idea of jumping out suddenly and startling somebody by saying "Boo"—not you particularly—but Cook, or Keziah, or myself——
Miss P.You? What should you be doing in the kitchen?
Pil.No—that is so; but still, though I deprecate practical joking as a rule, I should consider the explanation as not being without a certain measure of antecedent plausibility.
Miss P.You appear to be putting words into Captain Dorvaston's mouth.
Pil.No, pardon me, I merely say that such a line of defence would carry conviction to an unbiased mind. The army is proverbially a light-hearted profession.
Dor.Well, sir, I'm afraid I can't exactly say that.
Miss P.There!
Pil.In any case, Hannah, our friend Dorvaston is Lucy's responsibility. (leans on mantel)
Miss P.At all events, Cook isyours!
Pil.Eh? Hum—yes——
Miss P.You will of course ring the bell and discharge her.
Pil.I—really think we should endeavour to avoid any——
Miss P.(rises) Her continued presence in the house would be an insult tome.
Pil.(loudly) To avoid any appearance of temper—do you hear me, Hannah?—of temper.
Dor.(coming toMiss Pillenger) Upon my soul, ma'am, Cook hadn't anything to do with it. I was there against her wish.
Pil.(crossing toC.) Surely that is a most convincing testimony.
Dor.I know last night things didn't look quite square, but whatever fault therewas, was my fault.
Pil.Precisely! No doubt! (the men look at each other)
Dor.I was chatting to Cook—it was a stoopid thing to do—but there was no harm in it.
Pil.None whatever, I feel sure.
Dor.In fact, the governor knows there wasn't!
Miss P.How should my brother know?
Pil.Hum!—tut—tut!
Dor.How! Why, because he was in the lar—— (pause,Miss Pillengerstares, both men stare at each other with their mouths open)
Pil.(eagerly) I was sure to take a broad-minded view. Doubtless that is our friend's meaning.
Dor.Yes, that is what I meant. It got late, and I heard you coming, ma'am, and I knew you're a bit strict, don't you know!
Pil.Quite so!
Dor.And as I was supposed to be seedy, I thought you'd take my being there the wrong way, don't you see? So I—nipped into the broom cupboard, don't you understand? (crosses up back)
Pil.(crosses to top of table) To a moderately impartial intelligence the whole thing is as clear as day, and really reflects discredit on no one.
Miss P.Is it your intention to say nothing to Cook on the subject?
Pil.I think we should give her to understand that careful investigation has tended to modify our original misconception of the true facts of the case.
Miss P.(rising) Then, Audley, I have this to say—— (crosses toR.)
(GandyentersL.)
Gan.(at top of steps) I've just found a gent in the dry ditch at the end of the garden.
Pil.(pause) A gent in the ditch! (Dorvastoncrosses to balustrade) What gent?—er—gentleman?
Gan.'E was asleep and I shook 'im—'e grunted, and I shook 'im again. 'E says his name's Crayll, and 'e'd like to see you.
Pil.Crayll! (toDorvaston) That is the person who called on you yesterday?
Dor.Yes, I know him.
Pil.He wished to seeme? (toGandy)
Gan.'E said so.
Pil.Show him in. (Gandygoes out.DorvastoncrossesL.) Surely a most singular circumstance! Why did he go to sleep in my ditch? (Miss Pillengercrosses up to top of window)
Dor.I suppose, as he's an acquaintance of mine, he thought you wouldn't object.
Pil.He must be very eccentric. (crosses toR.corner)
Dor.Yes, he's a rum sort of chap! (Gandyenters, followed byCrayll,who looks rather dilapidated)
Gan.Mr. Crayll! (at top of steps—he goes out—Crayllis at top of steps)
Cray.Good mornin'! (at top of steps)
Pil.Good morning!
Cray.(toDorvaston) How are you? (crosses down and puts hat on settle)
Dor.How are you?
Cray.Think I'll sit down. (crossesR.) Feel rather shaky. (he sitsL.of table;Dorvastonis standing with his back to the fireplace)
Pil.By all means. (indicatingMiss Pillenger) My sister!
Cray.Oh! (he nods carelessly)
Pil.But, my dear sir, (sitsR.) I understand you passed the night—or some portion of it—in er—the ditch?
Cray.'Pears I did.
Pil.But—how did you get there?
Cray.How the devil should I know?
Pil.Tut, tut!
Cray.I must have bin sprung last night, that's about the size of it. I seem to recollect somebody pickin' me up, and then chuckin' me down again, like a sack of coals. (toPillenger) It wasn't you, was it?
Pil.Certainly not! But you seem to be shivering. May I offer you anything?
Miss P.(from back of table—coming down a little) A hot cup of tea?
Cray.Tea be damned!
Pil.Tut! (Miss Pillengeris shocked, and goes up)
Cray.No, I should like a hair of the dog that bit me.
Pil.(rises excitedly and leans over table) Bitten by a dog! Good Heavens! My dear sir, the place should be cauterised at once—no time should be lost!
Cray.Oh, don't be such an ass! I mean whiskey. (looking closely atPillenger) What's that on your face? What is it? What's that filthy black thing crawling over your face?
Pil.I—er—you probably——
Cray.What is it? (loudly—rises excitedly) Why the devil don't you tell me what it is?
Pil.A slight accident in shaving. My razor is somewhat out of condition—merely sticking plaster.
Cray.Oh! (subsiding) Thought it was a spider. (pause) I want to talk to you.
Pil.Yes. (sits)
Cray.Want to say a word or two about your Cook. (Dorvastonmakes a slight movement;Miss Pillengercrosses down to chair)
Pil.Indeed!
Cray.I s'pose you didn't know much about her when you took her. Did you?
Miss P.No.
Pil.Hannah, permit me! In answer to your inquiry, I may say we obtained the highest testimonials from the Duchess of Sturton.
Cray.Oh yes, that's all right—they're pals. (all start) Did she tell you your Cook was married.
Miss P.Married?
Pil.Hannah! Hannah! No, sir, she did not.
Cray.Well sheis. Did she say she was a well-known society woman, who wasn't living with her husband?
Miss P.Good gracious!
Pil.Her Grace did not mention the fact—if itisa fact.
Cray.Itis—you may lay your shirt on it. That ain't quite the sort of party you want in your kitchen, is it? Now I happen to know the husband'd be willin' to overlook the past—and take her back again——
Pil.Er—really?
Cray.He's a good-natured beggar, and he don't bear malice. He put it to her, but she's an obstinate devil—she didn't listen to reason. Now it struck me that as you're a magpie——
Pil.Tut!
Miss P.A magpie?
Cray.Beg pardon—I mean as you're a parson, with your eye on the marriage service—"Those who Heaven joined" and all that kind of thing—you might see your way to chuckin' her out, neck and crop, without a character—D'you see?—and so bring her to a sense of dooty.
Miss P.Really, Audley, there is something to be said for this gentleman's suggestion.
Pil.Whatever course it may ultimately be desirable for me to adopt, I shall require more definite information than I at present possess as to the intentions and—er—general identity—of the alleged husband.
Cray.You can have it. I'm her husband.
Pil.You! (Miss Pillengeralso conveys surprise)
Cray.Yes, you ask her; she'll admit she's been married all right.
Miss P.I'll ring for her at once. (makes movement, rises and crosses toL.)
Cray.(hastily) Hold hard! Stop that, old woman! (Miss Pillengerpauses) I don't want to see her—there wouldn't be any good in that—the meeting would be painful all round. (rising) No! you do what I say—tell her to pack up her traps and go—and then my arms will be open to her. (Miss Pillengerreturns and sits) Good mornin'! (crossesC.)
(CrayllgoesL.,Dorvastonintercepts him.)
Dor.You're not leaving us?
Cray.Yes, I am!
Dor.I think not!
Cray.What d'you mean? I suppose I can go when I like? (moves forward)
Dor.You will go when I like; and before you do, you've got to face the lady you've just been trying to injure. Sit down there (pointing to settle) and don't move, or I shall hurt you! (Crayllhesitates) Sit down! (Crayllsits sulkily) Now I'm going to ring the bell, and Mr. Pillenger will send for Mrs. Crayll; but if you try to get away, I shall probably hurt you rather badly. Do you follow me?
Cray.Yes.
Dor.That's all right. (crosses and rings bell; toMr. Pillenger) Sorry to take the business out of your hands, sir, but we've got to see it through, don't you know?
Pil.I think it would undoubtedly be desirable.(Gandyenters) Will you ask Mrs.—er—I mean—er—kindly inform Cook we should like to speak to her. (Gandygoes out,Miss Pillengersits; long pause, during which no one moves) Er—wonderful how the—eh—fine weather lasts! (another pause)