VIIHON. SIMPLE LIFE AMONG AMBASSADORS
San Francisco, February 10th,
To Editor New York Newspaper which tells all Truth for second-class postage.
Dear Mr.—I ask to know. Would it be a possibility for one bright Japanese Boy to get a good salary position of Ambassador to Berlin or some other seaport? My cousin Nogi tell me that Dr. Dave Hill do not care for such a job because wages is too tiny.
“How much is them wages?” I inquire for nervous feeling.
“Sum of $17,500 of annual pay,” mortify this Nogi.
“Japanese Boy would accept this patiently,” I collapse with voice.
“He might got it, but could he?” dictate Nogi, who understands horse-racing & problembs.
I am beswitched.
“You would appear a very cheap diplomat with such a salary,” say Nogi. “Hon. Charleymain Tower, Ambassador from O-hio, spend more annual cash than this for champagne which isnecessary in Berlin for kings, dukes, princes, etc., which is accustomed to expect it from American Ambassadors when going through that town. That Hon. Tower are a great spend.”
“Poverty are no disgrace,” I signify with W. J. Bryan expression.
“For Methodist Ministers it are no disgrace,” say Nogi. “But for Foreign Ministers it are considered a crime.”
“I am confused by this,” I depress.
“Imagine that you was Hon. American Ambassador to Berlin,” deploy Nogi.
I do so with ease.
“And imagine I was Hon. Emperor of Germany.”
I do so with difficulty.
“You go to them Germany with $17,500 annual wages which you draw in advance. You look around street for some nice palace where U. S. flag can be represented with dignity. You find such a palace, pretty soonly, over general feed store for rent-sum of $20 per monthly. For sum of $5 you can hire Mrs. Nusbaum in up-floor flat to take down clothes-line so that Hon. U. S. flag can be flew on Monday afternoon. Then you spend $17,000 for champagne and set down on back porch where flies are scarce.”
“Do something happen pretty suddenly?” I ask to know.
“Quite promptly I come along in one golden-coloured automobile, accompanied by Signal Corps, Fire Department, Royal Mounted Mustache Guard, and Second Artillery Band——”
“Who are you, please?” is next question for Japanese Schoolboy.
“I am Hon. Emperor of Germany calling to make a diplomatick relationship with Hon. American Ambassador. I call in them quiet way I mention because I know that Hon. Poverty of American Ambassador would get embarrassed by kingly pompus. I stop royal automobile in front of Nusbaum’s Feed Store.
“‘Are Hon. American Ambassador at home for diplomatick relationship?’ Hon. Emperor holler-up to second story.
“‘He are out back splitting kindling,’ decry Hon. Mrs. Nusbaum. ‘But I will told him that Your Majesty have arrive—wait, please!’
“So she run & whistle down speaking-tube:
“‘Hello! Come up if convenient, Mr. Ambassador. Hon. Emperor are here to see you.’
“So Hon. American Ambassador, with arms full of kindling wood, make sneakstep to kitchen, where he wash hands in sink, then haste to parlour. There he find Hon. Emperor of Germany settingon sofa and looking cross because he have stumbled over baby-buggy in the hall.
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador. ‘Will you have something to drink?’
“‘No,’ say he. ‘But I will take a cigar.’
“‘I have not got no cigars, Hon. Majesty,’ he say. ‘But I have some delicious chew-tobacco of considerable long cut.’
“Hon. Emperor of Germany, who are a awful polite king, eat some of that tobacco and make faces of enjoyment. Soonly he accept drink of champagne what Mrs. Nusbaum give him in tin cup; then he prepare to take his depart with willing smiles.
“‘Mr. Ambassador,’ he decry, ‘what kind of Embassy do you call this what you got here?’
“‘This,’ say Hon. Ambassador, ‘are what are called “Jeffersonian Simplicity.”’
“‘Are you fond of this kind of simplicity?’ Hon. Emperor inquire to know.
“‘No,’ say-he, ‘but Hon. Jefferson was.’
“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador to Germany if he like it so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, giving royal automobile one complete honk.”
Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: Can American Republick, at stingy expense, teachKings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? Maybe so it are possible. Maybe Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will become accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to Charley Tower’s flat and listen to Caruso on the phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a common sight in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor buying 15c package of Frankfurters for luncheon with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but Japanese Schoolboy are doubtful because he come from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often observed. And I never seen no kings acting that way.
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”
Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they is not so awful Progressive like they imagines they are. It is a very nice thing to be noisy, but a shoot-cannon must have something besides powder in it to do considerable damage. America man work pretty swift when let alone; but if he wait for act of Congress he had more better wait for act of God and the Russian Douma. There are just one body of mans in the entire world slower than Hon. Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American Congress.
It take one of them degraded and outworn monarchies of the Old World eighteen months to stick together a first-class war-boat of very excellenttrimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to nail together such a fighter-ship, and after them six years is past American Congress awakes and finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow.
Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy Hobson arise recently for debate and do considerable gun-fire with eyes.
“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” he say with energy, “let us defend it. Japan are a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities combined to do us dirt how would they go at it? By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen would flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 78 extremeDreadnothingswould intend to go San Francisco for warfare. In three weeks Japan would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden would accept Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore I arise up to propose it. I propose it that Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic minority to build 12Dreadnothingbattleships weekly until election is over.”
(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.)
Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” he-say it, “I uprise to second them bill of Hon. Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some slight amendments to make it look natural. I propose that them 12Dreadnothingsbe reduced to 1 gunboatto be built by Union Iron Works in 1926, in case there ain’t no war before then.”
“But how to defend Hon. America without no ships?” demand Hon. Hobson with voice.
“We are not afraid of all-world Powers,” declaim Hon. Burton. “If Japan, England, Ireland, and Spain come to our shores with latest pattern explosives, then the indomitable spirit of American people shall defend us!”
(Loud applause from Congress which continue ahead with campaign program.)
Such is fate of Hon. Hobson’s hobby. It is certain that Hon. Congress are not afraid of no foreign navy. Hon. Congress is not afraid of nothing when it do not cost them nothing to do so.
It are collapsible sentiment of all intelligent Japanese, Mr. Editor, that Hon. Congress will eventually, or later, build very magnificent Embassies (on model of Pennsylvania State Capitol) in Berlin, Paris, London, Tokyo, Pekin, and wherever it is required by kings and fashionable persons residing there. But before them buildings is done some Bills must be made, revised, torn up and referred to wastebasket in following committees:
1—Committee on Architecture.2—Committee on Plumbing.3—Committee on Window Curtains.4—Committee on Foreign Relations.5—Committee on Gas and Water.
1—Committee on Architecture.
2—Committee on Plumbing.
3—Committee on Window Curtains.
4—Committee on Foreign Relations.
5—Committee on Gas and Water.
By the time them bills is passed America will no longer be sneezed at as a Young Nation. And in the mean while Hon. Ambassadors from these U.S. must be subsidized by some Trust or else ride in trolley cars between Hon. Embassy and Hon. German Court.
Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, make following Mother Geese about it:
“The Star Spangley BannerO long may she soarO’er the National ArmsOn a grocery store!”
“The Star Spangley BannerO long may she soarO’er the National ArmsOn a grocery store!”
“The Star Spangley BannerO long may she soarO’er the National ArmsOn a grocery store!”
“The Star Spangley Banner
O long may she soar
O’er the National Arms
On a grocery store!”
Arthur Kickahajama ask for enquiry yesterday time:
“Are this Dr. Dave Hill a diplomat?”
“To look like an Ambassador to Germany on a salary of $17,500 a year he havegotto be pretty much of a diplomat,” I answer for reply.
With gun-salutes to Hon. Hobson.
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.