XXIIIOUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH
San Francisco, August 22d.
Editor N. Y. Newspaper who must attend to spin-around of world while others fish.
Dear Sir—Year of America are divided into 2 sessions: Winter & Summer. Winter are devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are devote to getting rid of them outside. Winter are dedicate to serious pursuit of money; Summer are devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good ways to know and increase Hon. Death Rates.
Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to agree with Hon. Judiciary about Injunctions, etc., can afford some French-speaking automobiles of 60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. Man who break Interstate Commerce law a little while can break speed-law the rest of his entire existence. I know because I watch him.
Americans go for rest with energy of human bullets. Japanese Schoolboy stand by side of roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry trees. Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It are a automobile of French extraction and Irishdisposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman who is a owner of some trusts, because he look like it. Nearly to him sets Hon. Chaffer clasping teeth for nerves.
“What speedometer is it?” ask Hon. Truster eating some dust.
“60-mile hourly we are going it,” say-he with wheels.
“Extreme slowness,” derange Hon. Finance.
More pushes by gasolene.
“Of what speedness now?” examine them Trust Magnet.
“75 mile horse-power,” say Hon. Chaffer with lung.
“Exaggerate it!” elapse Hon. Boss for mania.
Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry rage of cogs & do an explosion by fence where fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among clover-field where they flew to.
I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & await to interview him with bandages.
“Where was you going so hasty?” is first question for me.
“Not sure,” say-he, “but I was rapidly approaching there.”
“What was you looking after so whizzy?” negotiate me.
“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”
“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft”
“A rest,” he corrode for dying smiles.
“You have found it too suddenly,” I commute with epitaph expressions. “Therefore you may rest in fractions.”
Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice to choose some exercise what you will not be killed by. Motor-car axidents, although a very wealthy sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japanese Boy who would prefer to be alive & slightly sick much rather than to be dead & in splandid muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of antiques has did jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding’s Feetball Guide. But them things happened in very former times.
Shortly ago I become nervous about high education of brain. “I must see some scholars doing it,” I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly here. When I approach near to campuss I am aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices saying something together.
“So lofty!” I dib. “They are resighting passages of Grecian poetry in chorus so they all will get 100% mark for classick examination!” I make excited breath & hurry foots to where it happen.
There beholt! was all young youths of this Red Colledge stooding together for wave of danger-signal flags & saying following rotation for voice-culture:
“Hurrah! Hurrah!Play gliblyAnd do more of!!O!!!Such a bully for you!”
“Hurrah! Hurrah!Play gliblyAnd do more of!!O!!!Such a bully for you!”
“Hurrah! Hurrah!Play gliblyAnd do more of!!O!!!Such a bully for you!”
“Hurrah! Hurrah!
Play glibly
And do more of!!
O!!!
Such a bully for you!”
(Repeat this several times for imagination.)
And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Colledge with appropriate shade of wave-flag with which they make wigwag signals to following rotation for voice-culture:
“Sissy-boom!What is wrong with us?By investigation we findWe are considerably all right—Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”
“Sissy-boom!What is wrong with us?By investigation we findWe are considerably all right—Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”
“Sissy-boom!What is wrong with us?By investigation we findWe are considerably all right—Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”
“Sissy-boom!
What is wrong with us?
By investigation we find
We are considerably all right—
Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”
On smooth place between grandstands was 2 teams of red & blue baseballers playing it with batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing red sox was considerably idealized by Red Colledge because he was a Hon. Pitch and could act deceptively while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When Hon. Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. Ball what go by without injury, then entirely that Red Colledge would scream up, “O Smith, Smith, you are so good to do it!!”
When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch would observe him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from Hon. Red Colledge what would hoola out loud, “Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who deserve it!”
I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was also shouting with gilt spectacles.
“Mr. Sir,” I commune, “why this Colledge make such proud whoop-up for that Smith youth, please?”
“Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Colledge,” say Hon. Professor with surprise for ignorance.
“Ah!” I collide. “So thankful to see such a leader of thought! By what branches of brain do he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs. Minerva?”
“He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he are a pole-jump of 12 feet, for 2 years he play short-stop on feetball game and can throw a spitting baseball in circles around all batty athletes.”
“He must be a very high educated man,” I combust; “I bet your bootware that Hon. Shakespeare could not do nothing like that.”
“Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood,” say Prof. “So he never go to colledge to learn how.”
“So sorry for that!” I ratify. “Do this Hon. Smith have very muscular mind for study of Grecian poetry?”
“Scarcely if seldom,” mitigate Hon. Prof. “Faculty of this Colledge do not believe in making bright mind of youth sad by too much read on subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries.”
“They should read Hon. Aristophanes,” I say-so, “for he was considered a very comick Greek poet.”
“Maybe-so he were,” dib them Prof. “But I have been teacher of classick literature for 35 tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any colledge boys tickling themselves to death with jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes.”
I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie Library of them Colledge to see by quiet look how many of them student was improving inside of skulls by books. And there what see? Three Japanese students setting in bench for lonesome company. One of them was studying “Antique War Map of Battle of Marathon.” Other was taking light chew from “Co-tangent Theory about Circular Orbits,” and other one was trying to translate works of James Whatcome Riley into Japanese.
I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of instep.
Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are called “sport of kings.” Therefore if any private gentleman wishes to become a king or something in America he must go to meadows and learn how-play this peculiar knocking game. When Hon. Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King & still continues to exercise.
Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. Taft to be King of America he-say him: “Hon. Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please?”
“I are a very distinguished trot,” narrate Wm. “I have become noted by running from places to places.”
“These U. S. won’t not stand no more fat heroes,” say Hon. Roosevelt. “What possibly good it do you to have newspaper print say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily at desk?’ Small or less. But have war correspondent say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of wild bulls’ and you will be called upon by 1,000 photographers & Frederick Remington.”
Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars.
“When you are training to be a king,” say Hon. Theo, “you must exercise to develop considerable chest.”
“I have a developed chest already,” snuggest Hon. Taft, drawing his belt close around.
“Assuredly you have,” say Hon. President,“but you should wear it higher so that it would show to better advantage.”
“How to begin to be a National Athlete?” say Hon. Wm.
“I began by breaking horses,” say Hon. Theo.
“I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting on him,” abrogate Hon. Taft.
“I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy,” say ruler of nation. “If you can not take exercise you can at least play Golluf.”
So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club if he promise not to broke it & he find a nice, green link near Light House at Washington where he practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. of War it are now a easy snap to find following card:
HON. WM. H. TAFTARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION.
MOVING PICTURE MANIS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE
Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky & surprise to me about outside exercises enjoyed by Americans is that they takes them in such a light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of health-bring and deep breathing merely a funny laugh-at thing? Answer is, No!!
It sadden my pulse to see American family bygood elderly summertime pack trunk to go shore-side. Why they sing & whistle comick song about “I am timid to return home in darkness”? Why so happy & frolick for as they are gone down to train? Do they not know that they are sujurning away for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which is hyjean & therefore kind of sacred because it can do a great deal of harm to all human races? By border of ocean they go to some light hotel & dip slightly in tidy serf of sea, they lole upon sand in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette, they drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they practise whatever flirting is necessary—no thoughts of their scientifick insides.
Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful improvement! Japanese athlete would arise more sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior digestion. He would measure self by Bertillon system by each hourly prompt. Then he would feel strong & well, or else he wouldn’t. Vacation are nothing to laugh at as if it was a jokes.
But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer-face at everything including sacred subjecks & Tariff. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki, Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick Y. M. C. A.
“Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nurshing food,” say Hon. Matsuki, “have increased stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last 10 years.”
Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg-joint.
“I shall give you a hit unless stop!” I dib for pain.
“Listen to them lecture what he say-it!” fatigue Nogi. “He-say each Japanese by exercises & feed has grew 6 inches in 10 year-time. At them rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918.”
“That are a nice patriotick average for me,” I surround.
“By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will all be 6 ft. 10 inches in 1938. What, then, would keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches lofty in year 1978?”
“Nothing but laziness,” I repose for answer.
“The Japanese is aptly determined,” decry Nogi, showing satire by nose. “If they use considerable Christian Science about growing up could they not become physical sky-scrapes in time?”
“They might, but could they?” is answer for me.
“And what if they attained such a lofty?” locate Nogi with skeptick look from Missouri,“would they be more smart if? Physical culture do not make persons able to lecture on works of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon. James Jeffries are a very physical cultured man, yet he can only lick one person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, what was a brief man with a circular stummick, could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by twist of his thumbs.”
“Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure,” I announce for sighs.
“Of surely he were not!” dib that heated Nogi. “If he were a failure how he got his nephew that high job in Roosevelt Cabinet?”
I am confused to answer.
Hoping you are the same, I am
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.