XXXTHE HON. BOMB
San Francisco, October 14th.
To Editor New York Newspaper, who is there, I suppose.
Dear Sir—“Hon. Russia have no Constitution,” say Cousin Nogi from newspaper. “She require to get one with considerable quick.”
“Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?” I enquire for answer.
“It is good thing to follow flags,” dictate Nogi who presume so.
“Constitution would have had delicious job following Russian flag in Manchuria,” I collapse with Port Arthur eye-wink.
“Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon space of time,” simplify this Nogi.
“How she expects to got them freedom?” I ask to know.
“By bombs & bombast,” agitate Nogi.
“Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify.
“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up to me with hand-claspfull of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’”
“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy fear of explosions.”
“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about loud noises.”
Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia.
Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. Anarchist speek about them Revolution which is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is very courageous with whiskers which he wear in all directions. He say following statistick about Hon. Bomb:
“Something are wrong about them Hon. Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They don’t never explode when requested to do so. Hon. Bombs made in Japan is more better for assassinations, because they is very faithful about going off.” This from Hon. Anarchist.
Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is difference between all-every-thing did by Russia & Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go off, thank you. Russian persons make war; itsizzle out by oratory. Hon. Bomb of Japan is very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia is full of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe-buttons & face-powder. When requested to go off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make deceptive pretence of going to sleep; and when, of finally, itdoexplode, it enjoy that eruption in vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting on steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little Father.
Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. Nothing Russian goes off on time. Even their boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolutionals say, “What Russia need is one good program.” So fudge to think! Genius of Russia people is all-time making delicious programs which is forgotten, thank you, before Hon. Duma gets a chance to talk about something else. Russia has greatest statesmen and poorest politicians of all-world.
When Russian Revolutional leader gets took with a dream he say, “Ah! I have got a Program!” Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing of Holy Terror Synod.
“What to do with?” require Hon. Snortsky, Radical Leader from Dynamitovitch Province.
“To read it,” say Hon. Leader. So he fold outfollowing Program which he read with considerable elocution:
1—10.30P.M.to-night Russian people will meet at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours and declare themselves free of the yoke of Ramanoff.2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff and sign Declaration of Independence.3—12.30 they will stand together and give pass-key word of Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” which will be sign for up-rise of peasants in Baltick Province.4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal machines for 8.29, when get-up will ensue.5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to Nevsky Prospeckt, where Hon. Czar & bullet-proof procession will make pass-by going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. Czar, wife & family, Grand Duke Splurgius, Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other persons with such names will enjoy blow-up with infernal machines.6—Russia will then become Constitutional Republick with plans furnished by Bluejean V. Debs.
1—10.30P.M.to-night Russian people will meet at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours and declare themselves free of the yoke of Ramanoff.
2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff and sign Declaration of Independence.
3—12.30 they will stand together and give pass-key word of Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” which will be sign for up-rise of peasants in Baltick Province.
4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal machines for 8.29, when get-up will ensue.
5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to Nevsky Prospeckt, where Hon. Czar & bullet-proof procession will make pass-by going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. Czar, wife & family, Grand Duke Splurgius, Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other persons with such names will enjoy blow-up with infernal machines.
6—Russia will then become Constitutional Republick with plans furnished by Bluejean V. Debs.
This delicious Program are given to Russian people who, with fanatick enthusiasm, carry it out as following:
1—10.30P.M.enormous number of Revolutionals meets at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. Speeches, vodka & debate. All infernal machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, vodka & speeches. Famous Liberal Leaders made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red Wing of Holy Terror do some very serious politicks. Vodka.2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff where Declaration of Independence is waiting to be signed.3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,” so they don’t.4—1.30 they forget to go to bed.5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt and Czar forgets to go by in procession to Hague.
1—10.30P.M.enormous number of Revolutionals meets at Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. Speeches, vodka & debate. All infernal machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, vodka & speeches. Famous Liberal Leaders made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red Wing of Holy Terror do some very serious politicks. Vodka.
2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store of Samsky Jonesoff where Declaration of Independence is waiting to be signed.
3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,” so they don’t.
4—1.30 they forget to go to bed.
5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt and Czar forgets to go by in procession to Hague.
Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one trifle more fortunate. Sometime 12 or 13 of common people of Russia remember to go to Nevsky Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, infernal machinery & other patriotick devices. Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb-proof carriage.
“Gen. Creepoff,” he say to Chief of Police, “what are all them tick-tock sounds I hear like busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?”
“Them,” say Gen. Creepoff, “are infernal machinery of Russian people waiting to give your Majesty God-speed.”
“What time is them machinery set for?” say Majesty rubbing pale nerves at elbow.
“For 9.30A. M., Hon. Sire,” say Gen.
“Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman,” say Little Father with smiling expression. “Them infernal machinery will not go off before 1.30, because every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!”
And so it do happen. Them patent exploders lay in gutter waiting with loud clock-work noise till afternoon-time. They don’t see no aristocracy worth blowing up, so they don’t. But with immediate promptness at 1.30P. M.all them machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar Makers’ Union out on strike.
Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of recently, throw bomb to Hon. Police who afterward pick him together from fence & trees. He was Nihilist gentleman who was practising. Bombs is more noisy than pianos when practised on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. Police with club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, “Why did you done them explosion with Hon. Bomb?” he make reply for answer, “Because-so I am disagreeable about your politicks.”
Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? Ah no! Dynamite are too expensive to be so generous with.
I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign species of explosions being brought over to this kingdom of America where murder has always been very simple & democratick. It are nassuating to Japanese Boy to see them Baltick propoganders dropping deathly fireworks into Union Square, N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How much more honest and straight-fronted are it to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro vote in street-car of Washington! Black Handed Association of Italian secret knife-stick are very doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night Riding Association of American lynchers is considered very necessary band of patriotick terrors.When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is call “imported crime;” when Night Riders shoot Southern farmer it is call “American custom.” There are great difference between them acts, but both are good ways to know.
There is some philanthropists what goes around Hon. World bombing kings, emperors, etc., whenever one is met.
“Why you explode them kings & emperors?” I enquire to know of one Hon. Asassin I meet at sidewalk.
“Because-so,” say Hon. Asassin, “by sufficient bombing, shoot-gun & poison of soup I expect to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers.”
“Such childhood thought!” I decline. “When you kill Hon. Emperor, what happen? There is still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. President, how yet? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. Him asassinated, then there remain House of Representators, which might be blew up, but Governors of all States must be also exploded, to remove rulers. Then which? Then there is Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political Boss of each election district. When them is erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy gunshot wound. They are dead. What next? Then city hall employees, street cleaning department, board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury.All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have forgot to dynamite Hon. Police Department.Thatare a job for considerable chemicals, but it can be done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly nothing of Hon. Police but smoke & occasional brass buttons as souvenirs. What then? Each grown man with American moustache arise to wife and say, ‘I am ruler of this homested!’ Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. After this, basso voice of mans is very hard to hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except small collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all running for President on Independent ticket.”
“And what must ensue then?” aggrope Hon. Anarchist with bomb.
“Then,” I snuggest, “country must select ruler. Nothing to do but to elect one Anarchist, which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anarchists boom bomb to each other till all are minus by decease.”
“Banzai!” say Anarchist. “When all are thus dead there will be nobody remaining to be rulers! Such ideal affairs!!”
“Such is wrong statistick,” I say. “When men is all dead, then will be fine politicks for Suffergettes.”
Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself with groans. When person sets out to explodeall Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too large Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle.
Hoping you will be in time for red flag before blow-off,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.
S. P.—I know it! Last night by street-corner Anarchist oratory say-so “soil of Russia is wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry.” Maybe that is trouble with Russian bombs.
H. T.