XXXVIFEETBALL FOR MOLLYCUDDLES
San Francisco, November 10th.
To Editor New York Newspaper which must give large Colledge Yall to see such great Yale-Harvard feetball combination when Hon. Roosevelt pushed Hon. Taft across line.
Hon. Mr.—I have discovered more yet. America are no sooner through making one Loud Noise than she are prepared to make another. Her screems for Spring occupy Baseballing; next come Presidential Election where every person are ready to banzai & make provoked hollers; soonly following this arrive Feetball when talented Colledge Ladds is glued together for chorus of howels & rores which you would not believe except when it happens. Then America gives Thanksgiving because they are glad it are all over; but so vainly to think! With immediate quickness arrive Happy New Years when the roof of Hon. Heaven are entirely shrieked away with steam whissles. After this who knows what?
“You have forgot to put in Fourth of July,” say Uncle Nichi.
“That Hon. Explosion must be mentioned all by itself,” are contort for me.
Mr. Editor, all newspaper-prints is now filled with scandal about feet-ballers & what happen to them. I understand how Carlyle Indians would be champions of America except for fact that Chief Kick-in-the-Head have received something like his name; also ½ back, Hon. Hoopi, have fraxured both legs; ¼ back, Crazy Buffalo, are now in hospital enjoying 2 or 3 ribs, & Young-Man-Who-Butts-Like-a-Goat, famous tackler, have come apart & must be sewed together. White mans has been entirely unjust to Indians. Not satisfied with teaching them whisky-drunk they now educates them in feetball. The Nobel Red Man are thusly fast becoming a bursted race.
In another news-print I read-it how there are a general move in America to make feetball more kindly. How foolish to think! Feetball without an occasional murder would be like a bullfite without no Hon. Bull. It would be gentle, but who would come? I require no answer.
Howeverly all grandest California Colledges is now playing Rugboy feetball which is English & therefore entirely polite. And yet necks can be bursted by this way if required.
Last Saturday in earlyP. M.I make a very stylish appearance to my clothes which include frockaway coat, derby hat, respectful gloves & whatever shoes & socks are necessary for most beautiful way to look. With such ornaments I could not wear my familiar necktie which are getting too shabbed; so I borrow one of angry red complexion from Arthur Kickahajama who was not there when I took it. Thank you, Arthur, for kindness loan!
With them fashionable haberdash I make my joyful footprints go in direction of sidewalk where all Japanese what see me revoke, “Where would Hashimura Togo go so completely decorated?” But for answer I make American eye-wink & nothing else.
Pretty soonly I arrive by door-mat of Yoshima Suki, Japanese carpenter, & there I do rap-tap with nervus knuckles. After deliciously long time Miss Evelyn Suki, dreamy lady of entire youngness, come to knob & look surprised because she expect it was me.
“Kind morning, Mr. Togo,” she say-it with deceptive expression of a female, “which of my Parents did you come to see?”
“How many of them Parents have you got, please?” I remove with polite derby.
“I got two to include 1 Mother & 1 Father, both enjoying nice health,” she response.
“You are fortunate to have so many,” I corrode, “therefore permit them to enjoy their nice health without disturb from us.”
She do so, thank you.
We set in parlour & have a few conversations & occasional topicks. I get more charms eech moment by her sweet looks & cowcattish smile. I could throb forever in such lonesome company. Pretty soonly I say-so.
“Hon. Miss Suki, excuse me, sir, I ask it” (such nerves from me!). “Please may we go forthly together this afternoon for some sporty amusement?”
“Where we go to find such a sporty amusement?” she dement, tucking away her hair with morsel wave.
“In Japanese Y. M. C. A.,” I snagger, “Hon. Rev. Chillworthy will speek an entirely harmless lecture about ‘Onward & Upward for Little Missionaries,’ We could go there for minus expense because it are free.”
Stillness from Miss Suki.
“You no care for such an excitements?” I ask it.
“Slightly, perhaps,” are response from her, “Where else could we go for it?”
(I make sneekret count inside my pocket which contain 45c wealth.)
“Trolley-ride to Cliff House & peanuts by beach would be somewhat fashionable amusement if it wasn’t raining,” I snuggest.
“It might, but would it?” are next question for her.
I begin to enjoy go-home feeling for such discouredged talk.
“To tell you truthly, Mr. Togo,” she apply, “I got 2 tickets for one Feetball Game which will be kicked off this afternoon. You like to be chaperone to me for this ceremony?”
“I am reckless to try,” I cheer up. (For only a very fooly person would omit to be chaperone to a Angel what got 2 tickets, price $4.)
So we go there & seen what was.[1]
[1]Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the principal colleges there.
[1]Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the principal colleges there.
[1]Mr. Togo is describing Intercollegiate Football; still played by minor colleges in California. Rugby is being played by the principal colleges there.
Mr. Editor, with what crippled penmanship I got how should I attemp to describe such scene of banzai, hari-kiri, stroggle & push what we seen for them 2 tickets? How can poor Japanese Schoolboy tell of such delicious race-riot all over mud which them heroes plowed with their faces?
Therefore I shall do so.
Me & Miss Evelyn Suki we set on bleachedseats between 6 maiden co-eds and 2 colledge boys of average age 63 years. Heart-bursting screems was enjoyed by them for entire afternoon. When most fiercest play of feetball happened them oldy colledge boys would strike me in ankle with their cane which was a insult. Rainy weather & slight westerly showers.
Game of Feetball, Mr. Editor, are played by 22 enormous boys which are divided equally into ½ to look even. One ½ wear stripes & other ½ wears New Jersey sweaters of entirely blue colour. None of them Players is allowed to be killed before the game begins.
Delicious mud all over grounds which are good to slide on & show how graceful it can be done.
Considerable rah-rah cries indulged in by all specktaters to include Miss Suki & 10,000 others. Talented howels from all colledge boys who set in bleached seats around feetball grounds which is called a Griddle because it look like something else. Of suddenly OH-H-H-H!!!
To middle of griddle with brave runsteps come 11 striped athletes followed by 11 blue youths. More rores. In centre of Griddle Hon. Feetball (which resemble a leather melon) are placed down. Whissle from Foreman & suddenly one blue youth rosh forwards & give them Hon. Ball one very brutal kick which send it to Heavenwhere it intend to go. Splandid rushing together by all youths which do knock-downs with rage. Hon. Ball, when he make come-down, are lovingly embraced by a striped youth, but one blue youth see him & get jalous, so he throw him to mud with deathly thump. Eech member of both teams are now permitted to jump on this young man when he are laying pronely. Then Hon. Foreman holler “Down!” & all are sure of it.
Next Player to arrive are Hon. Doctor who do a hospital corps and remove 3 players with limps. Banzais from all. Game then go on for all afternoon by following rotation:
1—Savage ball-kick.2—Wildly rush together.3—Delicious throw-down.4—Everybody jump-on.5—All get off, if possible.6—Doctors collect broken boys.7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight.
1—Savage ball-kick.
2—Wildly rush together.
3—Delicious throw-down.
4—Everybody jump-on.
5—All get off, if possible.
6—Doctors collect broken boys.
7—More ball-kick, more banzai, etc., till twilight.
Pretty soonly when 1 colledge player of striped appearance make grab-up of ball, blue colledge boys forget to knock him down; so with them pigly sphere clasp dearly in arms he make hurrysteps across field; and them blue players get very angry, so they chase him with fierce hair. How useless!Soonly he carry that ball behind goal-sticks & Blue Colledge cry, “Shah!” while Striped Colledge cry, “Rah!”
“Oh!! that count 5 for our side,” say elderly youth next by me.
“Why it count 5 when only 2 players was killed?” was question I ask-it; but that antique child was too busy with banzais for answer.
So I took away Miss Suki for ice-cream soda ceremony, price 20c., where we could be more lonesome together.
“It must require great strength to kill so many people in an afternoon,” she say-it with sweet sips.
“With a ax I could do much better,” are reply I make.
This week my chumb, Sydney Katsu, Jr., who went to Harvard for study mollycuddling, come back here enjoying great damages. I could see by the expression of his legs how much they was broke; also bandaged elbows indicate smashy condition & his brain was held together with a towel. Most of his teeth he was carrying in his pocket.
“O Sydney!” I report, “who done you all them delicious injuries you got?”
“Them Mollycuddles done it, thank you!” he dib, pointing to draped eye which was minus.
“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”
“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way and another—some by proxy, some by regret’”
“What must a person do to become a Mollycuddle?” are next review I make.
“He must first go to Harvard & play on scrubbed Freshman team,” explan Sydney. “Some mollycuddlish person will say ‘6—11—44’ and toss him a entire feetball. Soonly all Harvard are on top of him to include the Library Building & Germanic Museum. Groans from this youth who are trying to play that game. Finally brickage are removed from him and he are permitted to be carried away. If he lives he are a Mollycuddle.”
“Shall you return to study gentle ways of efeet East?” I announce.
“Ah, no,” corrugate Sydney. “Wildy West are more peaceful place to be. I shall follow advice of Hon. Roosevelt which say, ‘Don’t be a Mollycuddle.’”
So I leave Sydney resting in arnica.
Hoping you are the same,
Yours truly,
Hashimura Togo.