EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS
EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS
Did you see that old maid? Holly Gee, isn’t she ancient? She belongs to a very old family. Just think she is a cousin to Lydia Pinkham, of Lynn, Mass., and a sister to Josiah Allen’s wife. She’s looking for a man, and I reckon she will have to look till she gets on two pairs of glasses, and we have sunsets in the east. Really she must feel like shooting the shoots, when she sees all the summer beaux, in Central Park.
Did you ever go fishing with dried apples for bait? It beats the flies all to smithereens.A boat and a bag of dried apples is all you need. When you find plenty of fish, just throw in a few handfuls of dried apples, and the fish will gobble it up and then the dried apples will swell and they will come up to the surface to see the sun set in the north, and wink at the stars, and you can pick them as fast as strawberries in a cabbage patch.
I went to church last Sunday, and, as they were short of teachers, they asked me to take a class of boys. I tried to tell them about Daniel in the lion’s den, and Alexander, the coppersmith, etc., and then a boy began to tell me the biggest lie I ever heard, and I asked him if he didn’t know it was awfully wicked to tell lies, and he said, “Didn’t you ever tell a lie?” and I said, “No,” and he said, “Great Caesar’s ghost! Won’t you be lonesome, though, when you get up to heaven, with no one but George Washington for company?”
I went to a reception the other night, and was introduced to the great Prof. Bobs. “So glad to meet you, old chap. They tell me,Prof., you have mastered all tongues.” “Well, all but my wife’s and her mother’s.”
I met Mr. Dooley on the street the other day and he began to tell me a tale of woe, and I said, “Now see here, cheer up, don’t make mountains out of mole-hills.” “Well,” said he, “that’s all right, but I knew a man that made a whole barrel out of a bucket shop.”
I went to a school exhibition the other day, and the teacher said, “The class in ‘spasms’ will recite,” so John Jones was asked to tell what a straight was, and he said, “Just the plain stuff with nothing in it.” Then the teacher said, “If 32° is freezing-point, what is squeezing-point?” and Johnny said, “2° in the shade.” Then the teacher says, “Johnny, how old are you?” and Johnny says, “I ain’t but 12, but my pants are marked 16.” Then Danny Jones was asked to give the positive, comparative, and superlative of “sick.” Danny—Sick, worse, dead.
Oh, say, Prof., what letter would you say if your mother-in-law fell into the ocean?(Prof.) “Well, I don’t know.” “Why, letter B.”
Pa and Levey said it was a howling success. I had a fine spin in my automobile to-day. I go out every day generally with Pa, unless he wants to have his band along, then I go by myself. Pa says we’ll go to the Empire Races later on—I hope so, it’s great sport to see a good live race between fine-built autos. Makes one feel one’s a live wire, to keep up. Levey Cohen has a new machine, a Sparklet. It’s a new make, but Pa says it’s the real goods. Ma says Pa always thinks Levey is all right and so he is, bless his dear heart. My birthday is soon coming and I will have a big celebration. Pa says the district attorneys are looking for whiskey within four hundred feet of schoolhouses to get the people to think they are doing something. Pa says that’s a rummy way to get a living. I guess Pa don’t think much of that kind of popularity. Levey Cohen says a man can find enough that will help the people, andkeep them busier, and not have such a bad smell as whiskey. I hear politics discussed nearly every day at dinner when Levey Cohen dines here, that is if it’s on the Republican side—Democrats are not allowed to talk in our house. Ma, Levey Cohen, and I are good Republicans, so,
Good night,
ELSIE.
Now, little book, I am going on a trip to Europe and this is my last letter till we come back in October. Pa and Levey Cohen have become personally interested in the queerest boy I ever saw. He is fourteen years of age, and a newsboy, from New York City, and Coney Island. He has bright gleaming red hair, large brown eyes, more freckles than Dr. Woodbridge could ever count, and two front teeth knocked down his throat in a fight in which he says, for once, he got licked by a Chink, which hurts his feelings more than the lickin’. Pa got him a new suit and a hair cut. You couldn’t tell where his hair began and his face left off. Pa says, like good whiskey, he will improve with age, and I should hope he might. Up to now he hasslept in barrels and boxes mostly and never had a human being kind to him in his life. He’s got a common yellow dog named Teddy—he said he wouldn’t come unless Pa adopted Teddy, the dog, and Pa said there was room for the dog, so when “Jimmy Jones” got that letter he wired back to Pa saying: “Dear Sir: Your offer accepted, quicker than instantly. I telegraph you my answer, but I expect to get there before the telegram does.” He told the telegraph man to collect on the other end, that was the end the money pot was, and he sent the message, also the bill. Pa said he had great hopes of “Jimmy,” after he got that telegram. “Jimmy Jones” boards with our gardener, and Pa had a nice room fitted up for him, and when it was shown him he looked at the bed all made up nice, and white, and said: “Hully gee! what’s that? a dining-table! Gosh, but ain’t it grand?” When told it was a bed he said, “Gosh, I couldn’t get on to that, I would soil the top right off.” Pa told him after he had a bath and was scrubbed off—which he didn’t likeat all—he was left to his first night’s rest in a bed that he could remember. He told Pa the next day that he could sleep a hundred years and never want to wake up to the bad world in that bed. He said he wondered why people wanted to go home, but now he said it was clear to his mind that they wanted to just sleep in a nice comfortable bed. He told every policeman he met to come and rest their lamps on his bed, said it was good for sore eyes, etc. Pa took Jimmy to Dr. Atwood on Boylston Street to have two teeth put in on a bridge. Jimmy didn’t like the process, but he stood it fine; the gardener says he’s a brave boy. Anyway, he looks better with the teeth in. Before he looked for all the world like that yellow kid boy I saw when I was a very little girl, that was before Buster Brown appeared in the Sunday papers. Pa says he will let Jimmy learn to drive his automobile—thinks he can learn in time, all but his slang. I never heard such a string of slang in all my life. The other day he was telling the gardener about his summer at ConeyIsland; I heard a part of what he said: “Yes, Coney Island is de place where all de swells go to dat tink they are swells. Hully gee! all that is swell about them is their heads. They are, all told, a rummy lot. Lots of times they steal a paper or a shoe shine. Yes, I blacked the President’s boots for him. Naw, not the President of the United States of freedom, but dis was a President of a peanut trust, he gave me Mary a handful of his hot peanuts and I don’t forget it, you bet your best hat. I have sold papers to the elete of New York. I can lick any kid on the Row. The policemen never tells me to move on, now, they know I’m de real ting, see? and a live wire. They don’t let on they see me, half of de time, ’cause I know a lot of de monkey shines going on and dey let me alone. I gits along wid de push all right. I stand up for all de newsboys, ’cause dey will be all men some day, and may even own a automobile. My! but dey are de live ting, don’t dey hum and kick up de dust, though. I sold papers for de sufferers of de Cal earthquake, and I got a heap ofmoney. It would do your old lamps good to have seen de pile I took in. I got ever so much money—too much to count. I never seed so much all to once in my whole life. I most wish I had been killed in an earthquake, bad as it was, and got a handful of dat dough. I never kept a cent for myself, no sirree, I’m honest if I am only ‘Jimmy’ de newsboy. Dey all knows me in New York. I have found good friends here, just tink, I am going to school at night and git learning, so I can do tings and propel a automobile. Hully gee! you bet your last year’s top hat I’ll sit up straight and go like de dickens, no snale creeping for mine. I tink I will be a good driver for that kind of a water wagern. De Governor has a brass band on his wagern and dat takes my blinkers and thinkers, most awfully much. Hully gee! but the natives of this town will stare when dey sees ‘Jimmy’ go out for a spin up Tremont Street—dat’s de toney street of Boston, ain’t it, Cap? Oh, ye don’t tell me it’s Commonwealth Avenue, dat is de swellest, is it? Well, I’ve heard ofTremont Street and the Old Howard Theatre and of Austin and Stone’s and that’s all I know of Boston. I don’t read de papers much, you see, ’cause I’se too busy selling ’em, but now I am here and going to become a natural sized sitizen of dis United States of Boston America, why, cos I has to git on to de place wid both feet. Now don’t scowl and find fault wid me talk, for I let you say what ye like and I’ll do the same, unless de cops git on to me game and shut out me lights. I don’t tink I will ever want to vote, ’cause ye have to wait till yers are twenty-one and dat’s too long. I can’t git old but a year at a leap, and any furreigner can be natural and made a American sitizen here just before each election and vote. Some of dem get to be new natural Americans every voting time, so I will stick to de automobile and de papers, for my daily grub. Well, course, if de Governor says I am to keep shut up tight when I am on de box all right, I can. I can tink and say so to myself, quiet, so no one will hear me express myself only in silence. Well, good-bye, I am goin’to try on me new suit the Governor sent me. I will be a real Tremont Street swell sure’s yer live.”
Well, now Jimmy has disappeared and I will just note that I am perfectly shocked at his way of talking, but Pa and Levey Cohen both says he is a diamond in the rough, and I do hope they can polish off some of the rough corners soon. Pa has always wanted to take just such a character and tame him. Now he has got the raw material and I shall be waiting anxiously to see what comes up next. Uncle Smith is coming soon and I expect when he sees the boy Jimmy—well, Uncle Smith will say words I won’t write. I can hear that Jimmy talking yet with the gardener, that is, Jimmy is talking and the gardener just listening. I will put down what I can hear: “Say, Harvard College is a swell place I guess. I have read in de papers dis mornin’ dat dey want twenty million dollars to make de place solid. Gee whiz! what do dey do wid all de money dey gets? I know a lot ofdem Harvard fellows; in New York dey always gives a fellow a few extra pennies and dinner, on holidays. I likes dem Harvard fellows ’cause dey has got a generous vein in der hand. Guess dey are taught to be generous to us kids in college, dat’s why dey need so much money to carry dem along. Say, wouldn’t you like to get your lamps on twenty million dollars all in one bunch? Don’t it make ye faint to think of it? Gives me a hungry pain in de left side of me liver. Say, Mr. Gardner, dat waking suit of yourn (scuse me for saying so) in New York would be called loud enough for a talking machine reckord. Say, I’se got a best girl, I has. She’s a cracker jack; she’s got the beautifullest hair yer ever saw. It’s a high-toned shade; they call it ashes and roses, but I don’t see why, but they do. Her eyes are violet, oh, so find. Hully gee! but they snap when she gits mad. She boxed my ears one day ’cause I tried to kiss her. She got awful mad and threw a wash-tub at my head, but I dodged it and it went plunk into a bigpoliceman who was stooping down to look into a barroom window. Peg said it served him right for snooping, but she run like anything and so did I, and when de policeman got up we war way off. He took de wash-tub wid him, but no one saw any one fire it, so it was never reclaimed. Peg said the tub cost a dollar and twenty-five cents and if she claimed it, why, she was likely to get pinched, and get thirty days, so she said the policeman was welcome to de tub; said she bet a button de next time dat policeman stooped down to look at anything he would hire a man to watch behind him. Oh, I tell you what, de papers are all de time having excitement. Why don’t all de people go to Sunday school and be good? If dey would de papers would be put out of biz. Dey are watching all de time for de man or womans dat do wicked. All de good ones are never spoken of except when dey die, and den only a few lines way back in de paper in small print, but let a man give a lot of money like some fellows rocks I heard of, and dey will put de heading in capitalletters, a little bigger den de common readin’, den you notice dat de oil we use to feed our lamps on goes up, perhaps only a quarter of a cent, but if you can get a few billion quarter of cents together all to once it would buy a good many turkeys for Thanksgiving. Say, mister, Christmas and Thanksgiving are de only two days in de year I can git full. Naw, I don’t mean full of liquor. (I never drink anyting but milk and cold water.) I mean get full of grub, wid all de good tings de rich people has. Wouldn’t I like to be rich? No, I don’t tink money is all dare is, but it is a whole lot to fill in wid. A pocket full of greenbacks would make me feel better than a pocket full of emptiness with a big appetite. Say, mister, I can sing and dance to beat the cars. I singed ‘De Pride of Newspaper Row,’ last winter in New York and I got an applecore to sing another verse. Ought to be encore? They said I did fine. Say, mister, if you saw an automobile coming down the street at sixty miles an hour and a deaf man crossing the street, what’s the answer? Notyet, but soon! Did you hear about the new Irishman over to East Boston last week? Well, Mike McCarthy told me about it. He said he and Pat Murphy was working on Mr. Smith’s house, the one that married Mary Jones, of Salem, and Pat was working on the roof when all of a sudden the staging broke and Pat slipped and slid, till at the very edge he caught on to the tin gutter and hung in the air, six stories from the ground. Mike and the other yelled to Pat to hold on till they got something to catch him in. In a couple of minutes they had a big canvas sheet by the corners and told Pat to drop into the canvas, and Pat cried: ‘How in the devil can I let go when it’s all I can do to hold on?’ Oh, did yer hear the one about Pat and the ants? Well, Pat, after eating his lunch, lay down under a tree to get forty winks before the whistle for one o’clock blew and he layed on top of an ants’ nest, which he didn’t dream of, but pretty soon the whole ant family came out to see what kind of a lobster was in their yard, so they crawled all over Pat and bithim to see if he was good eating, etc., and pretty soon Pat brushed them off and went to sleep again as best he could. They all came for another look at Pat, and he brushed them all off again, till bime by a big spider dropped on Pat’s bald head and bit him good. That was enough for Pat. He got up and said: ‘Now, then, all of yers get off.’ Did you hear about Mr. Burbank’s Jersey cow? Well, a vishus dog bit off her tail so she looked so funny that Burbank concluded to fat her and sell her for beef, so in four months she was in prime order and he took her to the stock yard to sell her, but when the man saw her he said, ‘Mr. Burbank, we don’t retail any cows here.’ Oh, did you hear the description of Noah’s wife? Well, the minister read that Noah took unto himself a wife; her hight was three hundred cubits, her breadth fifty cubits, made of Gopher wood, pitched within and without with pitch. He looked rather surprised as he read on, then paused, and in a solemn voice said, ‘’Tis true, we are fearfully and wonderfully made.’(Some bad boys had pasted the leaves together, hence the good old man’s surprise.) Oh, say, mister, I know a real funny piece about balls. Ever hear it? Well, here it is. I went to the newsboys’ ball in New York last spring given by Mr. Frank Ball, of Chicago. I know of several kinds, for instance, there are snow balls, foot balls, rubber balls, rifle balls, base balls, cartridge balls, cannon balls, basket balls, croquet balls, Ping Pong balls, pool balls, fish balls, billiard balls, tennis balls, bowling balls, camphor balls, and some policeman bawls, and if you miss hearing me bawl you will want to eat some raw dough balls to make you remember to go to our ball next year, sir.”
Good night, I’m twenty-three for bed.
ELSIE.
Now, little book, I am feeling a little too proud, I expect, for Pa is going to take us all over to London in his new air-ship. It’s called the Margaret, and she looks like a couple of large cigars tied together. Pa made a scientific combination of steel and aluminum, which, with some secret liquid added, makes the lightest and strongest metal ever produced. The whole ship, with all its apparatus for a trip across the ocean, only weighs one thousand pounds and will carry six hundred pounds. We will start at nine o’clock Monday, and we expect to be in London by Wednesday eve, at ten P. M., so I will stop for a little till we are on board. I will write on board if we don’t rock too much. I hope we don’t go to the bottom of the sea, that’sall. We are to have a wireless telegraph to let the people know how we get on. No one knows when we are to start, or where, because it got into the papers that the trip was to be made, and many would gather to see us start, but Pa says no, he wants to be far away before any one knows it, and I guess it is better so, too. Pa is calling, so I must run to see what he wishes.
4 P. M., Tuesday. My goodness, we are skimming over the top of the ocean like a large white bird. My, but this is the most beautiful trip I ever had. We are sailing about two hundred feet up above the water, Pa thinks; he hasn’t asked the captain to be sure, but it is glorious. We have passed several steamers and they saluted with all their power. We waved the Stars and Stripes to them in reply, and sent a message that we were going fine, and without any hitching. We have heard from Boston and will soon have a message from the King. A big reception is to be given to us, but I dread that, forour luggage had to go over by steamer, and although it was sent a week ahead, if it don’t arrive when we do I guess we won’t be much to be seen. My, how grand the sun is, and the moon and stars, when you are up above the earth some ways. The ocean is a dream of delight to look upon. Pa planned to come when the moon was full so we could see all the wonderful beauty of sea and sky. No tongue or pen could ever fully describe this journey. We have sailed along as smooth as any one could wish. Ma is delighted. She said she was just frightened to death, but felt it her duty to come if Pa went to kill himself, and Levey Cohen and I—that she Couldn’t live without us, so she was willing to die too. I don’t think she is bothering much about dying by the way she is laughing with Levey Cohen. I have to write now or when we land I would forget half of the fun we are having. Pa says a big crowd is waiting to meet us in London. I wonder where Pa will keep this machine when we get to London, probably it will be kept on the top of someautomobile garage. Pa don’t say; I bet he don’t have any idea where it will be kept. We seem to be attracting a great deal of attention. Why, I don’t think this is such a wonderful thing because Pa did it. Pa is a wonderful man, but when you live with such a wonderful man I guess you forget a good deal about the wonderful part till you hear other people say so. We don’t eat as much up here as when we are on earth, because we are nearer heaven, and are looking up and thinking of higher things than material eating. My, how fast we go, the clouds fly by and we go right through them like everything. They seem to fly like the trees and fields in an automobile race. I don’t care if we don’t ever stop, or come down. I could go on forever like this. Jimmy went over in the steamer with the luggage. Pa says we will land now in a few hours. Pa had a band made by phonographs, so we have had music, and Ma brought the pol parrot. He has heard Jimmy talk and to-day he has shouted several times what Jimmy said when his steamer wentout. “Hully gee, don’t git drownded.” I don’t think we will, but it would be an awful drop if we did bust up; however, I don’t feel afraid now any more. Huray! we can see London. Pa says it’s a fine sight. The stars bright and the moon like a big golden ball in the sky, and all London lighted up. They have sighted our ship, for I can hear their bells ringing.
Well, we are on the good earth once more. We had a fine greeting and this afternoon we will look over London a bit. We are to be presented at Court, and I don’t know what all. I have seen the Shontworths. They are still here and made much of. We have our trunks and now we can go out and look and feel well groomed. Jimmy was so glad to see us safe and sound he forgot to use slang for once. Pa and Levey was pleased enough, but it didn’t last, for soon he got into a fight with a London newsboy and it took a policeman to separate them. Jimmy told the English newsboy that “America was de onliest place fit to live in on earth,” and naturallythe English boy resented it, so it was a free fight to settle the matter. As the policeman dragged those boys apart Jimmy screamed to the top of his voice, “America ahead, by thunder!” Pa made Jimmy promise to be good else he would send him back on the next ship. I guess he will; he felt cheap to think he was caught in a street fight, as soon as he landed, nearly. Jimmy means all right, but he has a queer way of showing it, his fists seem to be his most familiar mode of expressing internal feelings.
Well, I have been presented to a real live King and Queen. It was rather a trying thing, after all, so different from home, but we liked it, as it’s the fashion. We have been invited to several affairs and Pa delivered a talk before the King and Queen and the Royal House about his air ship. To-morrow he is to take the King and Queen out for a short sail. It seems strange, to talk about sailing through the air, but it is so, and I reckon air ships will become somewhat popular; but Pasays most people will rather dangle their feet in the water in a boat than take chances in sailing in an air ship. It is majestic to sail through the air like a big bird, I think.
Well, here we are in Spain and we have been presented to Spain’s King and Queen. Pa won’t display his air ship here. We are to stay only ten days, then return back to London for our homeward trip. We shall stay in Liverpool some weeks, I expect, as Pa has a cousin there who is crazy about air ships, so Pa will stay with them and I expect he and Pa will plan another wonder.
Well, dear little book, nine busy and happy months have passed since I have been able to find you. I have lots more stories to put down when I get time, but I will only record the one that seems to me most wonderful to-day. Pa has had the most wonderful success with his air ship, but I somehow cling pretty strongly to earth and my dear old darling Franklin car. She’s a beauty and just as fine as ever, and I like her better every day. She is like a dear friend, the more you know their beautiful traits of character the more you love them, and that’s the way with my Franklin—a royal friend, proved solid, true and loyal—what more could one ask of an automobile. Pa says Jimmy is getting on fine in his studies.He is learning to be a valued boy for Pa, and his nameless wonder. The only trouble with Jimmy is that he wants the band going all the time, and he to dance. Pa asked him how he expected to dance and motor both at the same time, but he will; he will dance and hop and keep his hands on the wheel. It’s a funny sight.
Well, what I started out to say was that “Jimmy Jones” has a newspaper record. His picture was in the paper and he got dozens of them and had them all pinned up all over our private garage last Sunday week. We had an awful, awful thunder-storm and Jimmy was in the garage with Teddy, the yellow dog. Well, all of a sudden an awful flash of lightning came and the thunder was so loud that we were all most stunned. Jimmy declared it clean knocked him off his pins. A few seconds after the flash and thunder was over Jimmy noticed a ball the size of a large orange and about the same color, bobbing against the window pane, like a grampa longlegs in summer. Jimmy said it crackled andsputtered like anything, as it bobbed against the pane, like a rubber ball. When he opened the window the ball bounced into the room and floated about the room like a balloon. Jimmy grabbed the broom used to sweep the garage, and struck at it. He hit it several times, but it would bound off again, but at last the blow went home and the ball busted, and hundreds of the most beautiful stones I ever saw fell on the floor. Jimmy ran for Pa and we all went out to see the wonder—which was a wonder. A note was found written in French, saying the Ball and Jewels were from the Planet Jupiter; that the people were men very like us, only they were all golden blonds, both men and women, and that they all spoke the French language; that they had had automobiles and air ships for over five thousand years, and that their best speeder was the Franklin touring car; said the roads were smooth and level, and that they were just natural; that they had been watching this world for a long time, and said we were getting on; said Jupiter had manymore men than women, and would like to send some of them here, perhaps they could in 2906, also that precious stones were as thick on Jupiter as fleas are here in haying-time; that the ball of jewels sent was shot out of a lightning cannon, which they hoped would shoot far enough to reach this earth; said if it wasn’t back in six months, they would know some one got it; said the jewels were the finest, but not so expensive there as here, because there they are very plentiful; said the “Man from Now” once lived in Jupiter and they kicked him out, that’s how he was showing around Boston; said there was a man who spent heaps of Jupiter Globe funds and declared he was a brother to Fitzgerald here; said automobiles don’t kill the people in Jupiter because they can all fly, and get out of the way; said they would make it very homelike for any Boston schoolmarms that want husbands; said there were no rum-shops up there (some people of Boston would have to get a new job that are saloon hunters); that the Golden Rule was all thereligion they needed, and was signed “Weston Franklin,” the maker of the noted Franklin Automobile.
When Jimmy was telling the gardener about it he said, “Hully gee, how am I to let dose guys know I got de rocks, de Governor says dey are worth a big pile of dough here and he will sell them and invest de money and I will have to study hard and be a man. Golly, does he tink I am a cow? I don’t care. I wouldn’t know what to do with de money, so de Governor might des as well keep it for me. I will go up to Jubator myself some day when dey gits de air ships going safe. I didn’t ever expect to see de one dat went ober across de pond, a few months ago, but it came down safe and all on board. Yes, I’m getting along fine on de automobile. I can run it all right but I can’t keep me feet still when I hear dat band of de Governor’s, though. Say, dat’s a peach you bet yer boots. It’s a hummer. I reckon de Franklin car is de best on de street. Now dey has it on de planet Jubator all de swells will have one here; it will be more derage dan ever before. Miss Elsie, she says she always felt it was de best one, and she knows what’s good. Yes, I will turn in now. Good night.”
“Jimmy” has been relating more of his troubles to the gardener. Last night it was so unusual that I will record it, as he seems to be a part of our life in a way. Pa and Levey Cohen say he is naturally a good foundation to build on—and they must know. “Say, Mr. Gardner, what you tink, de boys are calling me Mr. Jones, since de Governor sold dem rocks and got fifty thousand dollars for de lump, and I have had my picture in de Boston ‘American.’ Say Hearst is a pretty good man; he would be all right if he was a Republican, but Dick says he’s on de wrong side of de pump in politics. Anyway he treated me white—made a very decent picture of me. It looks a sight better any day, than I does, Peg says, and she has good eyes, she has. Well, as I was saying, fancy mebeing called Mr. Jones. Hully gee, it made me sick to me stomach. I wonder if de push tinks I am going to swell up and bust ’cause I’ve got a few dollars now? I ain’t seen it, de Governor says I’se got it, all right, but I don’t feel no different than I did before, except I have de faith dat if I gets a college ice once a week I won’t miss de five cents when I needs a pair of shoes, or a handkerchief. Say, mister, I notices some charge ten cents for dem college ices. I had one what cost ten cents de other week and ’tween you and me I couldn’t see a might of difference in de two, except de price. Dick says I’m like de Irishman. Said all de taste I had was in me mouth. I’ve got on fine at de night school—de teachers say I must drop my slang, but, hully gee! I don’t use any slang, much. I told de Professor to go oil his lamps, and he got mad and kept me after school. I be hanged if I notice that I use much slang. Wouldn’t it bust de buttons off your vest how perticular some folks be? Hully gee! I don’t want to be mean, nor nothing, but I musthave time to git my own lamps trimmed, ’cause I’se always had to bump up against it hard, ever since I was born. I would like awful well if I could run up on de silver rays of de moon to dat planet Jubator; it must be a fine place up dare. Just tink, no rivers, and seas, to git drownded in, just deep wells, thick as peas in a pod, but no boats, or ships. Hully gee! only land, land everywhere. I would feel lonesome without de oder of de Charles River here. Sometimes it smells pretty bad, but I could even stand that than no smell at all. Oh, I want to tell yer before I forgit it. I went out in de country last night with Dick, to see his granny what lives out to Salem Willows. Well, they have a little patch of land there behind the house and Dick’s granny keeps a few hens, and she had some nice custards in old cups and we had a feast, let me tell you. Dick’s granny keeps a goat, and a male sheep with big horns. He’s an awful ugly cuss, and we saw ample proof of his ugliness. Dick went out to feed him and he broke his chain and came forDick lickety slap bang and bunted Dick all over the yard. He tried to get up, but every time he moved the old he sheep would draw back and knock him down. He kept him there for more than an hour, I guess. Last his granny missed him and went to the door and Dick yelled for me to come out and drive the old he sheep off. I got the poker and went for Mr. Sheep. I gave him a good clip over his nose and he didn’t feel like bunting any more; then I turned to Dick and said, ‘Button, button, who got the button?’ and Dick said, ‘Well, if you had been here when I first came out you would have seen plain enough who it was.’ Then we came back home and Dick says he’s no friend to that he sheep any more. I don’t blame him at all. That he sheep ought to have had more sense, but he didn’t. Dat he sheep seemed to have a heap of respect for me after I gave him a rap over his nose. I reckon he would have called me Mr. Jones, if he could talk, with the accent on the Mr.
“The Governor told me if I wanted to get ahead I must get the bulldog grip. I told him I never seed one, and he said, ‘Jimmy, didn’t you ever see an old maid in the country set the bulldog on a tramp and see with what a grip the dog held on to the seat of the tramp’s trousers as he tried to get over the fence?’ I said I had, and he said that was what a bulldog grip means. Just get a strong, good hold and hang on. He said the Mason’s grip wasn’t so strong; said I ought to see a Mason ride the lodge goat. He said it was more fun to see the other fellow do it than to ride yourself.”
We are planning for the Automobile Magazine Cup race. The cup is a stunner; it cost five thousand dollars, the most unique cup ever offered for a race. Pa says I can enter my Franklin Flyer as I am set on it so much. Levey Cohen says I’ll win, so does Jimmy. I hope I do, then folks would have to say a girl can do some things, too, as well as boys and men.
Oct. 15, 1907. Say, but I am excited, for Ihave won the race. Fifteen hundred miles with not one bad mark—a perfect score for a kid is rather good, I think. I feel more pleased than I can tell. They had a plate made with brilliants that spelled “Franklin, Model G,” and put on to the space left for the name in the cup. It’s a dandy, let me tell you that. Jimmy Jones yelled himself sick shouting for the Franklin at the end of the tournament when the trophy was awarded. He said it took a live fish to go up stream and the Franklin car was it. I never saw a boy so crazy before. He said he would like to see the maker of the Franklin car President of the United States, but I told him I guessed he would rather turn out fast cars than to be president of anything but his own company. There’s only one President ever got rich while sitting in the Presidential chair and he ought to have been in better business, Pa says. Jimmy says we have a bully President now, and I guess that’s right, anyway, Pa and Levey Cohen say so, and they know. Jimmy was telling our gardener more yarnsand I will write what I can hear: “Say, mister, wouldn’t de new style of trousers put a feller on de bum, though? I never seed such big wide trousers. Be gosh, I believe dey are trying to git skirts on to de men. When I put me new suit on de Governor got me last week, I thought it looked mighty queer, yet I never gave it much thought till Peg got her peepers on them. She jest hollowed and she says, ‘Git on to de dude, trying to be a womens; almost petticoats,’ says she, ‘not yet but soon. See de crease warble when ye walks. Hully gee! Jimmy, if yese can walk and keep dat crease straight de cops will pull yese in for talking too much boose. Ye will walk like a streak of greased lightning to keep up wid ye pants, bet ye life, it will be more work for ye than for a womens to keep her hat on straight, see?’ Well, I did see, and I asked de Governor to send dem to de dressmakers and git de seam took in, but de Governor said, ‘Jimmy, dat’s de style,’ but I says, ’Scuse me, sir, but I want me pants to look like they were cut for me andnot for John L. Sullivan.’ Peg says all de swell guys look like a pole wid de cloth draped on to cover up dar slimness. Now what I want to know is what de fat man can do wid all dat extra cloth around his pegs. He will look like he was sent for and didn’t come at all. De tailor what made dat style must have been down East somewhere, perhaps down to Wonderland or Lynn, and got too many drinks, so he thought everyting went, even to de cloth for de trousers. I don’t know whether he gits his money by de week or per. Oh, I saw dat fine actor, Mr. Edmund Breese, in de ‘Lion and de Mouse.’ Say, dat Breese man is a peach. He is mighty good actor, mister. I wish you would go and see him. Peg says she wishes I could make love like he can on de stage. She says she saw him at de Castle Square, Boston, and he was de handsomest lover on de stage—so de papers said, but you see I ain’t it for polished manners. De Governor says I’ve got to watch out all de time so not to git throwed down. I am doing the bestI can to stand on both me pins at once, but it must be mighty find to be really born a gentleman like Mr. Breese. He bought a paper of me several times when he was at de Park Theatre and he’s a good sort, all right. Got lots of good sense in his head, and he’s popular. Oh, I say, mister, did you ever hear one of them vaudeville fellows what talks down in his boots and then yer think somebody’s under the stage, or in a trunk, or something awful. I mean one of them ventriloquists. Well, mister, I have seen ’em all from Dan Harrington to dat English chap what dey call Charlie Prince, but dey can’t any of dem fellows hold a candle to Harry Kane. Kane he styles hisself on de bill at de theatre. He does de best act wid dem dummies I ever seed. Peg says all de others are dead slow, but Kane makes his Irishman mighty mad at de nigger boy he has. Dat Irish doll boy nearly gits alive, really, mister, he is so mad at being near a nigger. Gosh, I never seed such a fight as dey gits into. Makes ye wish you could go right down onde stage and give dat black nigger a big punch in de eye, so if ye wants to see a good A1 ventriloquist see Kane. Say, you will miss me gab ’cause de Governor has given me three weeks’ vacation. Me salary goes on just the same. I feel like a bank clerk or a cashier of a swell bank. So long, now, till Christmas, which is not yet, but soon.”
I reckon I’ll say good night, too, little book, for my eyes are heavy with sleep.
ELSIE.
THE END.
THE END.
TESTIMONIAL
TESTIMONIAL
I am a pupil of the International Correspondence School of Scranton, Pa., in Complete Advertising, and am very much pleased with their course of instruction. It is plain, thorough, and meets every need of the student. I am sure it’s the “Open Sesame” to a successful business life if one is in earnest and willing to study. Study is the only password to success. This school is a mighty ally with one when willing to work to reach the very top of the tree of knowledge, and have a part in the world of successful men and women. The prizes in life are only for those that work for them, and I am heartily in the race, and advise earnestly any one wishing to gain knowledge and position, to come with us. Your highest ambition can be attained if you will only work, and the teachers of this school will show you how and aid you in your desire to better yourself, and the world, by your work.
A grateful student,
ETHELLYN GARDNER,
Author of “The Letters of the Motor Girl.”