EnterGin.R.
Gin.Ring, sah?
Topp.Deliver this at once. Now for the preparations. (Strikes attitude, right hand gestures.) Wait not when honor calls but hasten to the field, lest tardiness should prove an added stain. (Gin.stands astonished, then vanishes just asT.turns.)
Quick Curtain.
Scene:—A grass plat with trees in background.
Scene:—A grass plat with trees in background.
EnterMr.andMrs. Twiggs, R. 1.
Mrs. T.We must find them; blood will be shed and, oh dear! Mr. Topp may be killed!
Mr. T.Sophronia, duels are not for the purpose of shedding blood. They are for the vindication of wounded honor.
Mrs. T.Josiah, human life is trembling in the balance, and I believe you actually enjoy it.
Mr. T.My dear, I can’t say that I enjoy it so far. Our walk in search of it has been rather hurried. They should have hired a hall and sold tickets.
Mrs. T.Josiah, you’ll drive me to the grave. But if you do not respect the feelings of the wife of your bosom think of your child.
Mr. T.Our child is all right. She is not going to fight.
Mrs. T.But think of her future?
Mr. T.Which future, my dear? There appears to be two of him.
Mrs. T.Josiah, you stand here talking while every moment is a question of life or death.
Mr. T.(Coolly.) I’m waiting for developments, dear.
Mrs. T.Developments, indeed! Do you think they will come to you? They may be in the dells.
Mr. T.No, this is the right spot. All our high-class affairs occur here. Capt. Throckmugger died at the foot of that tree just over there.
Mrs. T.Mercy! Josiah, how can you speak of blood! You want to kill me?
Mr. T.Sophronia, dear, I disclaim—
Mrs. T.(Pulling him away.) Come along, we must find them! To the dells! Quick! (Exeunt, L.)
EnterexcitedlyAngieandMrs. T-K.R. 1.
Mrs. T-K.I’m sure I heard voices!
Angie. But there is nobody in sight. Sister, do you think our coming here is exactly proper?
Mrs. T-K.True love dares all for duty.
Angie. Yes, but isn’t our affection rather recent to be put to such a test.
Mrs. T-K.Recent! Love knows nothing of time or place when its object is in danger.
Angie.It issoromantic. Is there really any danger?
Mrs. T-K.Duels are sometimes in earnest, and Mr. Topp is a dead shot they say.
Angie.Horrid old thing! Poor Mr. Tick!
Mrs. T-K.Dear Mr. Topp!
Angie.Mr. Topp is a blood-thirsty old monster. I don’t like him one bit, there now!
Mrs. T-K.Brave man, he is fighting for you, and thus you repay his gallantry.
Angie.(Petulantly.) I don’t want him to fight for me. Oh, if Mr. Tick should be hurt.
Mrs. T-K.Mr. Tick is a villain.
Angie.Mr. Topp is a fool; a little blood-letting would do him good.
Mrs. T-K.Sister, don’t mention blood, I shall expire. I know I shall. Dear me, what a snarl things are in. We must stop this duel. Dear Mr. Topp!
Angie.Adorable Mr. Tick!
Mrs. T-K.They may have gone to the dells. Let’s go there (Exit, running L.)
Angie.Wait, sister! (Exit, following, L.)
EnterTickandGinger, R.
(Ginger carries large pair of corn knives or, as known to farmers, “corncutters,” in a gunny sack.)
Tick.Ginger, I don’t like the looks of those corncutters. How do you use them?
Gin.You jes cut an’ slash, that’s all. (Business with knife.)
Tick.But suppose old Topp gets his slash in first. Where am I?
Gin.Say, looky hyah, Mistah Tick, do you like dat gal well enough to fight fur ’er?
Tick.(Swaggering.) I’d die for her. I’d wade through—
Gin.Never mind de wadin’! Keep youah shoes on an’ listen to Ginger Potts. Ye want to play a big bluff, don’t ye?
Tick.Yes.
Gin.An’ I get ten dollars if de bluff goes?
Tick.That’s right.
Gin.Then you do jes as Ginger Potts tells you. If massa ever find dis job out he’ll jes naterally skin me. I wouldn’t have him know it fur de purtiest twenty-five dollar bill you ever see. Nosiree! Ye see, Mistah Tick, when Cadwalader Topp sees dem corncutters he’ll be too mad to fight. He’ll be madder’n a wet hen. He’ll say dem weepons is unnateral an’ outrageous an’ sich as no gentleman kin use. You got de right to choose de weepins. He raises a bushel of objections an’ you insists. Den you see dah’s no jewel because de gemmen can’t agree on weepins. Ye’s both saved yer honah an’ youah hides.
Tick.That’s a great scheme, Ginger. But suppose he agrees to the weapons. I don’t like the looks of his eye.
Gin.(Puzzled.) Dat’s an extreme case, but if it comes to extreemities, an’ not till den min’ ye, call fur me an’ say you have to insult me.
Tick.Why should I insult you?
Gin.Doesn’t every gentleman insult his second?
Tick.Oh, I see,consult.
Gin.Exactly! Dat’s what I said! When ole massa sees me he’ll be consulted. ’Cause ye see I’m a nigger an’ a nigger aint no gentleman. He’ll jes have more dignity than a pew full o’ deacons and walk off consulted.
Tick.Wont that get you into trouble?
Gin.Well, ole massa’ll storm ’round an’ threaten to lam me, but he wont even tech me ’case massa’s a gentleman an’ I’ve been in de family three generations!
Tick.Oh you prevaricator!
Gin.A what! Say dat again. I didn’t quite git dat.
Tick.You’re not over twenty-five years old.
Gin.Twenty-five las fall come a year. But ye see my gran’mammy she was in de family, dat’s one generation; and my mammy she was Mr. Topp’s nurse, dat’s two generations, ain’t it? An’ I was one generation, aint I?
Tick.There’s no doubt of it.
Gin.All right, I ain’t no great scholar, but I know three times one is three times.
Tick.All right! I hear voices. Skip into the bushes and I’ll say my second is looking for a surgeon. (ExitGin.hastily, L.)
EnterMr. Topp,Sprattand very dignified Surgeon, R. Latter carries case of instruments, which he leisurely unpacks, showing a very formidable saw, etc.
Topp.(ToTick.) Ah, prompt, I see. Where is your second?
Tick.He is delayed a little looking for a surgeon. I expect him momentarily.
Topp.That is unfortunate. Quick work here is the order. We are liable to interruption from the police. We have brought a surgeon, Dr. Short.
Tick.Let your man Spratt and Doctor Short arrange details, I’m indifferent.
Topp.(Haughtily.) This is no place for a display of generosity, sir. This is very irregular and time is pressing.
Spratt.I see no objection to stepping the ground, for example if Dr. Short will stand for Mr. Tick.
Topp.Very irregular, very. What do you say, Dr. Short?
Dr. S.(Very formal and dignified.) I coincide, sir. It is highly irregular, I might add, perhaps, unprecedented. Had I the pleasure of the acquaintance of your opponent—
Topp.(Bowing low.) I beg your pardon! I forget you were not acquainted! Mr. Tick, I have the pleasure of introducing Dr. Short. Dr. Short, Mr. Tick. Mr. Tick, Dr. Short. (They bow.)
Dr. Short.(Judicially and with great dignity.) I think I may lay it down as an axiom of the code that one gentlemanmay—I saymay—stand at all times for any other gentleman. Now, the fact that the gentleman’s second is absent looking for a surgeon must be considered a valid reason for delay and consequentlymay—I say advisedlymay—allow slight alterations of previous plans. My decision, then, is that your humble servant might with absolute propriety—I saymightadvisedly—stand temporarily for the absent second of Mr. Tick. (Bows toTick.) I am at your service, sir. I consent, to satisfy honor.
Spratt.Very well, then let’s step thirty paces! (Business of measuring.)
Tick.(Chuckles aside.) That’s a safe distance.
Spratt.Now for choice of position. Heads or tails? (Produces coin.)
Dr. Short.(Solemnly.) Heads.
Spratt.(Tossing.) Heads it is!
Short.(Tosses.) Tails!
Spratt.(Tossing.) Heads it is! Your man gets the advantage of the light. (ToTick.) Let us examine your weapons. Are they loaded?
Tick.(Producing knives from sack.) They are! (All start at sight of knives.)
Topp.(Surprised.) What in time are those implements?
Tick.The weapons.
Topp.Why, confound you, sir, I wont fight with a butcher’s cleaver.
Spratt.Corncutters, I beg your pardon.
Topp.A vulgar agricultural implement. I won’t fight with them.
Tick.I insist. I have the right to choose the weapons.
Topp.But only gentlemen’s weapons. I’ll have you understand, sir, that I do not choose to be hacked to pieces with a sausage machine. Dr. Short, I appeal to you.
Dr. Short.(With great deliberation.) Your objection is reasonable, and I may add, most weighty. This uncouth weapon is unusual, and—and,vulgar, I use the word vulgar advisedly in the sense ofcommon, without casting any reflection on this humble but useful agricultural tool.
Tick.Gentlemen,mysecond pronounces the weapons all right.
Topp.A most remarkable second, sir! I’d like to see him. Why doesn’t he appear.
Tick.I think I see him coming now. (Hellos off R.) Hello! Hey! Hurry up there.
EnterGin.R.
Topp.(Astonished, falls back.) A niggro!
Spratt.(Repeats.) A nigger.
Dr. Short.(With disgust.) A niggro. This is no place for a gentleman. (Begins to pack his kit.)
Tick.Isn’t he a man and brother?
Topp.(Furious.) This is insufferable! This is a gross insult to be atoned at once. (Seizes one of corn knives.) I accept the weapons! Take your place. At the word three, advance and defend yourself. I’ll make shoe strings out of you, sir. (Vehemently.) I will, on my life I will!
Spratt.One, two, three!
Topp.Come on. (Makes pass atTickwho easily eludes him. Business ofToppchasingTickaround the stage, his movements those of a heavy, stiff man.Tickeasily eludes him, and makes no effort at defense. Business, ad lib.)
EnterTwiggssuddenly, R.
Twiggs.Hello! What’s this? I expected a duel and here’s a sprinting match. (Laughs heartily. Looks atTopp.) Why, Topp, what is that you hold in your hand? An oyster opener? (ToppandTwiggsR.ShortandSprattup C.TickL.,Gin.behind him.)
Topp.Do you dare poke fun at me, sir. Don’t do it again. You laugh again at your peril.
Twiggs.Excuse me. I didn’t mean to talk shop, my cachinatory muscles are subject to spasmodic movements. But what are you doing?
Topp.(Throws it away in disgust.) That man had the impudence to bring a sausage knife on these hallowed precincts.
Tick.Pardon me! A corncutter!
Spratt.No gentleman would propose a corncutter as a decent weapon.
Twiggs.Quite right! We’ll have none of them. They are perfectly absurd! Fit only for niggros. Nothing like hair triggers. (Steps toward C.) Has any gentleman a brace of pistols? I think I can arrange all to the satisfaction of the company.
Spratt.(Comes down C.) I brought a pair for alternatives. (Produces them from case.)
Twiggs.Ah, beauties!
Tick.I object to hair triggers!
Twiggs.On what grounds, sir?
Tick.They might go off.
Twiggs.A frivolous objection, sir! You owe Mr. Topp satisfaction. Your position is absurd, and let me say, sir, subjects you to suspicion; yes sir, to suspicion of cowardice!
Tick.(Comes toward them, C., blusters.) I’m no coward, mind that! (Aside.) This is serious. (Aside toTwiggs.) I don’t want to fight.
Twiggs.(In a friendly manner.) Don’t want to fight? What are your reasons?
Tick.I might get hurt!
Twiggs.That’s no reason!
Tick.Come aside and I’ll tell you all.
Twiggs.Publicity is the only recourse at this stage of the proceedings.
Tick.If you must then, I—I don’t wish to deprive an honored house of its head.
Topp.None of your sentiment, sir!
Twiggs.A very commendable sentiment, but invalid.
Dr. Short.Yes, insufficient.
Twiggs.At this stage of the quarrel, without having satisfied wounded honor, no gentleman would everspeak to either of you again. I advise one shot anyway.
Topp.I insist on one shot.
Tick.I object to Mr. Topp’s second. He is here through motives of revenge. I’ll leave it to Dr. Short if motives of revenge are allowable in an affair of honor.
Dr. Short.(Emphatically.) Never! (ToSpratt, sternly.) Is this true, sir? (Sprattsilent.)
Gin.It is. He’s mad at Mistah Tick ’cause he made fun of his twins, Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin Harrison Spratt.
Topp.I recall some words now, when I come to think of it.
Twiggs.Resign, sir, at once! Do you resign?
Spratt.I do! (Aside.) They are onto my scheme.
Gin.(ToSpratt, aside.) Bettah git now.
Spratt.I’ll get even with you, you black rascal. (Exit, whileGin.goes through pantomime of kicking him out.)
Twiggs.(Muses.) Hang it all, I’ll act as second for both parties. How’s that?
Dr. Short.(Gravely.) Unusual, without precedent buthonorable.
Twiggs.(Brusquely.) Gentlemen, consider it settled! Take your places! (They move to places.ToppR.,TickL.Tickmechanically, as if half dazed.) The word is one, two, three, fire. (Thrusts pistol in hand of each and goes up C. to give signal.Tickholds his weapon very awkwardly, pointing down.) Young man, are you going to shoot a hole in the earth? (Adjusts pistol on level for him.)
Topp.(Dodging.) I don’t like that. That’s partiality.
Twiggs.Ah, possibly. (Reflects a moment.) Stay, I have an idea. (Produces pistol from pocket.) Dr. Short, favor me with your weapon. (TakesShort’spistol and goes up C.) Ready, gentlemen. Dr. Short, I’ll trouble you to give the signal. The principals will kindly aim at each other and, to show strict impartiality, I’ll shoot at both. (Levels a pistol at each of the principals.)
Topp.(Dodging.) Hold on there!
Tick.(Dodging, immediately recovering himself.) No sir—ee! that wont do!
Dr. Short.Extraordinary!
EnterMrs. Twiggs, R., runs toTwiggs.
Mrs. T.Oh, Josiah, have you found them? (Twiggshastily thrusts one pistol in his pocket and tries to hide the other under his coat.) Oh, Josiah, why don’t you speak. Is anybody killed? Has blood been shed?
Twiggs.(Disgusted.) Not a blamed drop! (Aside.) Fun all spoiled.
EnterAngieandMrs. T-K., running R.
Mrs. T-K.(Running toTopp, R.) Oh, Mr. Topp, I implore you spare him!
Angie.(Running toTick, L.) Spare him, Mr. Tick! Spare him!
Tick.Certainly! I can spare him! (Puts arm round her waist.)
Topp.(Furious.) Bless my eyes! Look at his audacity! I will commit murder. (Tries to get atTick, flourishing corncutter.Mrs. T-K.clings to him.)
Mrs. T-K.You shall not! (Tableau.) Be merciful!
Topp.Rash woman, let me go! My honor is at stake.
Mr. T.Mr. Topp, there’s a slight mistake somewhere. (Everybody pauses for explanations,T.crosses toTopp.) I’ll try to clear it up. You advertised for twins?
Tick.Twins! (Makes face of surprise.) Dogs!
Mrs. T.Generous man!
Topp.(Annoyed.) Madam, this is no place for a disquisition on generosity.
Mrs. T.So modest! Don’t deny it.
Mr. T.Your advertisement brought my daughters to your house. You admired one of them, but I fear you made advances to the wrong one by mistake.
Topp.(Pointing toAngie.) That is the young lady I meant.
Mrs. T-K.But unfortunately she objects. (Confidentially.) I fear her affections are elsewhere. (Angiecuddles up toTick.)
Topp.(RegardingAngieandTick.) Humph! Well, I shouldn’t be surprised if they were. Here’s a pretty state of affairs. I’ve made a fool of myself. Well, “There’s no fool like an old fool.”
Mr. T.My dear Mr. Topp, a young man should not be so pessimistic. Let me match your maxim with another. “There’s just as good fish in the sea as ever were caught.” (NudgesMrs. T.aside.) How’s that for a pointer?
Mrs. T.Mr. Topp, let me introduce my daughter, Mrs. Twiggs-Knott. (Toppbows.Mrs. T., confidentially.) She is the mother of lovely twins.
Topp.Ah! indeed, madam? (ToMrs. T-K.) Boys?
Mrs. T-K.Fine fellows.
Topp.Age?
Mrs. T-K.Seven.
Topp.Both the same age?
Mrs. T-K.(Confused.) Why, to be sure.
Topp.(Confused.) Yes, of course, I beg pardon!
Mrs. T-K.(Nudging Josiah.) Confused! That’s a good sign.
Mr. T.Rattled!
Topp.Healthy?
Mrs. T-K.Tough as pine knots.
Mr. T.(Laughing.) Pine knots, Twiggs-Knotts too. (Laughs at his witticism.)
Mrs. T.(Aside.) Josiah, your puns are atrocious. (Twiggs goes L. C. toTickand speaks inaudibly to him.)
Topp.Madam, I’ll take the goods, if they’re up to grade.
Mrs. T-K.The goods?
Tick.Now, the old man is talking shop himself.
Topp.I mean, I’ll take the boys.
Mrs. T-K.Oh, thank you! Oh, how good of him!
Topp.Mr. Twiggs, you seem to know that young man of monumental assurance. Who is this Tick?
Twiggs.Tick? Why, his name is not Tick. That is a nick-name the boys gave him. He is the son of my oldest friend, John Baggs. He is in the employ of Topp & Topp.
Topp.(ToTick.) Are you my man, Jim Baggs?
Tick.(Bowing.) I have that honor.
Topp.Playing tricks on the “old man,” eh? I’ve a mind to discharge you on the spot. Well, I wont,come to think of it. The manager says you could sell oysters to a tobacco sign.
Tick.(Bowing.) Thank you!
Topp.But I can’t forgive such freaks, sir.
Tick.I’m very sorry—
Twiggs.Yes, he’s sorry. Young blood you know and none spilled either—(All laugh.)
Mrs. T.(Severely.) Josiah!
Mr. T.Yes, my dear!
Mrs. T-K.We had better go home!
Topp.Certainly, madam. Potts! Where’s that niggro?
Gin.(Coming forward.) Yis, sah.
Topp.Go to the cab stand at the Park and send carriages to meet us at the fountain.
Gin.Yis, sah. (Exit L.)
Mrs. T-K.(ToTopp.) I do so dislike to part with my dear little boys. Only poverty—
Topp.They shall have all the advantages of wealth.
Mrs. T-K.Theremaybe conditions attached to their going?
Topp.Indeed? I thought that was all settled?
Mrs. T-K.(Sentimentally, with languishing glance.) I should be very lonely.
Topp.Ah, I think I understand the conditions. (Looks at her significantly.) The mother goes with the twins?
Mrs. T-K.Shemightbe induced—that is—oh, dear, how sudden! how embarrassing!
Topp.To relieve that embarrassment, I accept the conditions.
Twiggs.Take her, my boy! Take her, and God bless you, my children. (SlapsToppon back.)
Mrs. T.Josiah, you shock me. You anticipate. This is no place for such demonstrations.Willyou go home?
Mr. T.I will. Come along. (Seizes her arm.)
Topp.(Taking arm ofMrs. T-K.) Come, dear. The house of Topp & Topp shall still keep in the line of its traditions. Twin brothers, same age. (TicktakesAngie’sarm. Dress stage.)
Tableau:
Curtain.
Costumesof the day. No special make-up is needed and the only direction to be given is that each person should dress in character.
ThedialectofGingeris largely that of the conventional stage darky, which is absurdly unlike the real thing. It is used here for two reasons. First because it is the conventional type that people in the north expect; and second, because the real negro speech is very hard to express in print, and would be very difficult for an amateur to render with such slight study as is usual. In fact the negro dialect of the south consists largely in the peculiarsonorous qualityof the negro voice and in the use ofquaint expressions. To pronounce “Massa” “Massy” is to fail utterly in imitating the African. It is broad and rich,Mas’r(nearly). Their grammar is frequently very good, but the penchant of the African to use high-sounding words often leads to very ludicrous results.Topp’s Twinswill require carefulrehearsal. Owing to the peculiar nature of the humor and the droll situations, anything like lagging will ruin the effect. The man who playsCadwalader Toppmust not forget that he is always a gentleman, even in his anger, but he is agenialgentleman and not an icicle.Tick’sassurance always has good nature in it, whileSpratt’sis malicious.Mrs. Dubbledamis slow, heavy and serious in all she does.
The author has endeavored to follow the old style and let the humor of the play flow continuously rather than to depend on startling climaxes for effect.
Theduelscene may be made very effective, but it must not descend to “horse play.”
PATSY O’WANGAn Irish Farce with a Chinese Mix-UpBy T. S. DENISONAuthor ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.
PATSY O’WANG
An Irish Farce with a Chinese Mix-Up
By T. S. DENISON
Author ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.
Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.
CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.