A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL.COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.
Time of playing, twenty minutes.
Pistol, valise, cane, pipe, book, empty bottles, box of pills, candles in candlesticks, crash bag.
R.means right of the stage;C., center;R. C., right center;L., left;1 E., first entrance;U. E., upper entrance, etc.;D. F., door in flat or back of the stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience.
Note—The rapid action in this play requires careful rehearsal and strict attention to cues. In many cases the least drag will spoil the effect. The boy who does the caterwauling must be always ready the instant he gets his cue from the prompter. He must be able to produce the effect oftwocats and should make the audience hear distinctly.
A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL.
A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL.
A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL.
Scene—Bed room, two cots, one up R. C. by flat, other by wall, down L.; table near head of last, with books, pistol, pipe, etc.; wash-stand against flat, L. C.; window in flat, L.; (or a door anywhere at L. can be made to serve for make-believe window by hanging a curtain.) As curtain rises,Leggattin bed, apparently asleep, vest hanging on chair at head of bed, pantaloons and coat on wall.
Scene—Bed room, two cots, one up R. C. by flat, other by wall, down L.; table near head of last, with books, pistol, pipe, etc.; wash-stand against flat, L. C.; window in flat, L.; (or a door anywhere at L. can be made to serve for make-believe window by hanging a curtain.) As curtain rises,Leggattin bed, apparently asleep, vest hanging on chair at head of bed, pantaloons and coat on wall.
Enter LandlordandBulger, R.,Landlordcarrying candle andBulger’svalise. Lights low.
Landlord.This is the very best I can do, Mr. Bulger.
Bulger.Hang it all, I believe I’ll go over to the Eagle.
Land.Hist! (Looks towardLeggatt.) You’ll wake him. No use to go to the Eagle. All full there. It’s County Fair, you know.
Bulger.Hang the fair! Landlord, this is no way to treat an old customer. This is a one-horse town anyway.
Land.(In low voice.) Very sorry, Mr. Bulger, but I didn’t make the town. It’s the best I can do. (Looks towardLeggatt.) Mr. Leggatt’s a very nice quiet gentleman. (Confidentially.) Why, he’s a littery man!
Bulger.Confound literature! It aint in it with trade.
Land.Quite right, but it’s got to be humored same as other things. He’s as quiet as a lamb if you don’t wake him.
Bulger.(Suspiciously.) Hum! And if he wakes?
Land.He’s kind o’ restless. He may walk the floor.
Bulger.(Growling.) Indeed! Let him try it.
Land.(Hand onB.’sarm.) Quiet now. You may wake him. Good night, sir. (Leaves candle on stand. Exit R. softly.)
Bulger.(Hangs coat on rack, goes to closet door, looks in.) What’s this? A two by three closet. (Sits and takes off boots.) I’ll put my things in the closet, though I don’t suppose this one-horse town can afford even a burglar. I’ll strike this town from my list. Such a snide hotel isn’t to be found this side the Mississippi river. (Goes in closet.Leg.turns in bed and mutters in his sleep. Caterwauling in alley. Boy outside up L. does this.)
Re-enterBulger, in pajama or colored night robe. Examines sheets.
Bulger.Damp, as usual! I’ll catch my death of cold. I always get a cold in this town. The place is so slow, that’s the only thing people can catch. (Rings bell by door R.) I’ll have the sheets changed, if I have to rouse every chambermaid in the house. (Sits and opens valise.) I’ll take a liver pill while I think of it. Always have to take a liver pill in this town. It’s so slow that a man’s liver stops business. I am catching cold already. If I sneeze I’ll wake him. (Business of suppressing sneeze.) There’s a draft somewhere. (Tip-toes to window.Leggattturns and mutters in his sleep.B.stops.) I’ll wake his literary nibbs, sure. (Tries window.) Wide open and stuck fast; windows always stick in this town. When they are up they stay up, when they are down they stay down. And that old hay-seed actually calls this a first-class hotel. He amuses me. (Sets candle on chair.) Confound that bell. (Pushes it again several times.) I guess I’ll smoke while I am waiting. (Goes to get pipe out of coat pocket.) Where’s that pipe? (Pulls coat with impatience, rack comes down with a clatter and coat swings round and knocks candle to floor, putting it out.B.darts to his bed and gets in.)
Leggatt.(Rising to sitting posture.) What’s that? Who’s there? Heh? A burglar! I’ll shoot, you rascal! (Attempts to pull out drawer of his table to find pistol. Drawer sticks and his books and everything go clatter to floor.)
Bulger.(Alarmed.) Don’t shoot! Don’t! It’s only me!
Leggatt.(Excited) Who’s me? (Feeling for the matches.) Blow it, where’s that infernal candle? I’ll have to get up.
Bulger.Don’t get up! It’s all an accident.
Leggatt.Who the deuce are you, anyway?
Bulger.(Strikes match.) I’m a guest of this beastly hotel, if its victims may be called by so genteel a term as guest.
Leggatt.(Sitting up.) A guest! I don’t like that.
Bulger.(Nettled.) Neither do I.
Leggatt.You’ve disturbed me and now I’ll have a night of it.
Bulger.I’m very sorry indeed!
Leggatt.So am I.
Bulger.(With surprise.) Sir, I apologized.
Leggatt.Confound your apology! I was sound asleep.
Bulger.Youarea nice roommate. The landlord was right when he said you were.
Leggatt.I beg your pardon, stranger. I wasn’t quite polite.
Bulger.Don’t mention it. My name is Bulger.
Leggatt.And mine is Leggatt. (B.crosses and they shake.)
Bulger.I’m very sorry I disturbed you. I had just rung the bell and was waiting.
Leggatt.That bell hasn’t been connected with the office for a year.
Bulger.Oh, what a hotel!
Leggatt.When I want anything I just throw a pop bottle down to the right. (Motions.) It’ll break at the office door and rouse the landlord.
Bulger.By George! It takes a literary man, after all, for ideas.
Leggatt.You’ll find some empty pop bottles in the closet. I keep them for that purpose—and the cats.
Bulger.(Gets bottle.) I’ll try it. Did you say to the right?
Leggatt.Yes, you can see the glass door if you look out. Hit the pavement so the bottle will crash. (Bulgerthrows out of window, tremendous crash.)
Bulger.What a crash for one bottle. I guess that will fetch him.
Leggatt.Now youhavedone it.
Bulger.Done what?
Leggatt.You’ve broken the glass of the hot bed and the tomato plants will all freeze. You threw the wrong way.
Bulger.You said to the right.
Leggatt.I meant tomyright.
Bulger.(Provoked.) Well, I’ll be everlastingly—
Leggatt.Hold on, Mr. Bulger, it isn’t worth swearing about. It’s of no consequence. We shall have to wait a month longer for tomatoes, that’s all.
Bulger.I’m very sorry, Mr. Leggatt. I’ll turn in now and risk the damp sheets. I hope you will sleep. (Gets in bed.)
Leggatt.But I won’t. I’m in for a night of it.
Bulger.What is the cause of your insomnia?
Leggatt.My book!
Bulger.Keep away from the races, why don’t you?
Leggatt.I don’t mean that kind of a book. It is the great novel I am writing. It is killing me.
Bulger.(Blows out his candle.) Ah! When are you going to die?
Leggatt.(Testily.) Die! I’m not going to die.
Bulger.(Sleepily.) You’ll make a long job of it in this town, it’s so slow.
Leggatt.But I’m not here for that purpose, I say. What is your line, by the way?
Bulger.(Murmurs.) Line—cheapest way—I’ll ship your goods by Blue Line, same as before.
Leggatt.Blue Line! Are you drunk? (Pause.) Hang it he’s asleep. I wish I could go to sleep like that. I envy a drummer. (Blows out candle, lies down and covers up; caterwauling outside.) That infernal cat again! (Turns over with nervous motion of sleepless man and settles down. All still for say 15 seconds.B.begins tosnore loudly.Leggattsits up again, angrily.) That settles it! I shant sleep a wink to-night. I’ll read, I guess. (Lights candle.) Where is that book? (Dextrously fishes book toward him by means of a cane which stands at bedside, lays cane across table. Begins to read—any book—gets interested, makes comments.) This book is simply drivel, such character drawing. There are no great novelists anymore except myself and Tolstoi. (Reads paragraph.) That fellow has a wretched style. His cacophony is terrible. The true test of good writing is to read it aloud. (Reads aloud.B.rolls over as if about to wake.) All stuff, the poorest kind of slush. I can’t stand any more of that. (Throws book on table and accidentally knocks cane on floor with a rattle.)
Bulger.(Starts up and sits in bed.) What was that? Heh? (No reply.) Leggatt?
Leggatt.Only my cane, sir. I’m very sorry.
Bulger.So am I.
Leggatt.Ah, then we agree. Will you join me in a pipe since you are awake?
Bulger.A pipe at midnight! Well, you are cool!
Leggatt.No, I’m not. I am on the contrary slightly feverish.
Bulger.Your proposition is cool enough. Smoke at this hour!
Leggatt.I find it soothing. I cultivate repose of mind. It isn’t what we are, you know, in this world but how we like the situation. To like what we can’t mend is the true philosophy.
Bulger.Philosophy be blowed! This is a situation that I don’t like.
Leggatt.I can’t say that I actually enjoy it but since—(Caterwauling outside.)
Bulger.(Gets up angrily.) Oh those infernal cats. I’d like to murder every cat in creation.
Leggatt.Kindly throw a pop bottle. Straight ahead this time over the shed.
Bulger.(Snorting.) Throw it yourself.
Leggatt.(Coolly.) It was only a suggestion to be acted on or not at your discretion.
Bulger.I’d as soon have a room over a boiler shop as in this infernal little hotel. First-class—oh, what a liar this landlord is.
Leggatt.My dear sir, your attitude toward Boniface is hardly justifiable. Landlords indulge in hyperbole.
Bulger.Hyperbole! What is that?
Leggatt.It is the faculty of not letting a statement lack strength.
Bulger.Well, I must say this landlord’s statements are very robust.
Leggatt.Neatly put, Bulger. I believe you cultivate literature yourself. You should at any rate. Literature—
Bulger.(Walking floor.) Literature be d—d.
Leggatt.My dear sir, you wont sleep at all if you go on at that rate. Since you decline to join me in a pipe let me read a chapter of Squibbs’ last novel to you; that’ll do the business.
Bulger.(Pausing in front ofL.’scot.) Read Squibbs to me! At midnight, in a strange hotel! Preposterous!
Leggatt.He is very soothing.
Bulger.(Emphatically.) I wont have it (gets in bed).
Leggatt.I’m very sorry. I’ll have to read all to myself.
Bulger.(Sitting up.) Are you going to read?
Leggatt.I am.
Bulger.And keep that candle burning?
Leggatt.Certainly! I don’t read in the dark. I haven’t cat’s eyes.
Bulger.Really, I say—do you know that I have a call for the three o’clock train?
Leggatt.Don’t worry about it, Bulger. I shall be awake and I’ll call you promptly. Will 2:45 be about right?
Bulger.(Jumps up.) That man is crazy. I’ll never get a wink of sleep here. (Seizes blanket.) There’s a sofa in the hall, I’ll try that. Next time I come to this town I’ll stop at the roundhouse for a quiet place. (Runs out R. with candle and blanket.)
Leggatt.I am disappointed in him. I thought hisnerves were sound. He’ll break down if he travels long. He’ll catch cold in the hallway, I’m afraid. (Lays down book. Pause.) My sleepy spell has come on. I didn’t expect it till four o’clock. I believe I shall not pass a white night, as the French say, after all. (Lies down and goes to sleep. Pause 15 seconds.)
EnterLandlord, tiptoe, R.
Land.(Looks atB.’sbed, then atL.’s.) Bulger is a strange man. Now, why did he leave his bed and take that sofa in the hall? He’s the hardest customer to please that comes this way. Doesn’t like cats, finicky about drafts, always sends his steak back, objects to two in a room. I s’pose two in a bed ’ud set ’im crazy. There aint a steadier, nicer man in the house than Mr. Leggatt. Where shall I put that Dutchman? The sofa was the last thing. (Scratches head.) Why, here, of course. I’ll just make up the bed! (Hastily makes up bed.) There, he’ll not notice it has been slept in. (Caterwauling outside.)
Exit R. andRe-enterwithSchnell.
Land.Quietly! There’s a man asleep there.
Schnell.Oh, dis vas a touble room alretty?
Land.Yes.
Schnell.(Looking round.) Mit single petts. Lantlort, vas dot man safe?
Land.Perfectly safe.
Schnell.Vel, I mean vas I safe? I know he was safe, alretty.
Land.Why, he’s the peacefulest man in the town. (Impressively.) He’s a littery chap.
Schnell.(Puzzled.) Littery man! Vat was dot?
Land.He writes books.
Schnell.Oh, ya, a pookkeeper.
Land.No, he writes for the magazines.
Schnell.(Still puzzled, scratches head.) Mackaseens! Ya, powter mackaseens. Ya, ya, dot bin all right. I kess, he wont plow up.
Land.(Ready to go.) Your name is Schnell, I believe.
Schnell.Ya! Gus Schnell, of Schnell oont Augenblick.
Land.Line sauerkraut?
Schnell.Sauerkraut oont weinerwurst.
Land.Any call?
Schnell.Ya, by de Cherman saloons.
Land.I mean shall I call you in the morning?
Schnell.Yoost leaf me alone till I shleeps out. (ExitLandlordR.)
Schnell.(Taking off shoes.) Dot man was a goot shleeper, alretty. I hope he ton’t shnore sometimes. Dot man shleep like one little papy. (Takes off coat, feels bed.) Dunder! dot pett vas warm alretty. Dere moost pe a furnace oonter dot pett. (Looks, feels.) I feels vint. Dot was strange, der room colt, mit vint plowin, oont der pett varm. Dere vas no planket py dot pett. Gott in himmel! vy vas dot pet varm! meppe dot wasn’t a mystery. I yoost shleep in my clodings, I take no shances mit dot preeze plowin. (Gets in bed.) Ach, I forcot to put dot candle out. I plieve I can reach him. (Reaches out toward candle in chair and losing balance falls out of bed with a crash, extinguishing candle and overturning chair.)
Leggatt.(Starting.) What’s that? Where’s my pistol?
Schnell.Gott in himmel, ton’t shoot.
Leggatt.(Crossly.) Well, what ails you now?
Schnell.Nodings. I yoost fell out py de pett.
Leggatt.(Half awake.) You have disturbed me again! Why in thunder can’t you go to sleep?
Schnell.(Angry.) Vel, vy tont you gif me some dime alretty? I yoost cot in mine pett, two tree minutes foreby. (Gets in bed.)
Leggatt.(Starting up, wide awake.) That’s a strange voice. Bulger—(Pause.) Bulger—Great heavens! has Bulger been murdered? (Tries to strike matches, several go out.) This comes of putting strangers in the same room. What ails the infernal matches! (Lights candle;Schnellis all covered up except his face,Leg.peers at him for a moment.) That isn’t Bulger. Where can Bulgerbe! That’s a burglar, I’ll bet. (Gets pistol quietly from drawer, sitting up in bed.) I’ll have a crack at him if he resists. (Sharply toSchnell.) Hello there, you!
Schnell.Vas?
Leggatt.A Dutchman! Heh, you fellow! Sit up or I’ll shoot.
Schnell.(Bounding out of bed and badly scared.) Mine Gott, meester ton’t shoot! Vat in himmel you want alretty yet?
Leggatt.Who are you? Where is Bulger?
Schnell.Pulcher! I ton’t know Pulcher. Gott in himmel, put away dot pistol down.
Leggatt.Who are you?
Schnell.Put dot bistol town. It goes off meppe.
Leggatt.What are you doing here?
Schnell.Shleeping.
Leggatt.Well, why in the dickens don’t you sleep then? Another man in my room! The landlord is drunk again. He’ll have the whole town in here before morning. (Schnellstanding middle of room.) Why don’t you go to bed?
Schnell.Ya, I coes right away. (Pause.) Mine frent.
Leggatt.Well?
Schnell.Dot lantlort sait you vas a beaceful chentleman. I vas beaceful too oont I vants no more misdakes apout purglars oont bistols. My name vasSchnell, of Schnell oont Augenblick, wholesalers mit sauerkraut. Dat’s my cart. (GivesLeggattcard.)
Leggatt.(Throws card away.) Confound it man, will you go to bed?
Schnell.Ya! Ya! (Gets into bed.) He vas not a pit sociable.
Leggatt.And look here, Mr. Wagonblock—
Schnell.Nine, Schnell! of te firm—
Leggatt.Well, Snell then; you’d better keep pretty quiet. If this racket continues much longer I’ll miss my four o’clock sleeping spell. Now Iwontbe disturbed. (Lies down.)
Schnell.Ya! Ya! (Pause fifteen seconds, then loudcaterwauling outside, ad lib.) Oh, dem cats! (Softly.) I was afraid of dot beaceful littery chap. He might shoot if he hears dem cats. (Rolls over.) Vell, I ton’t schleep, dot’s sure, alretty. (Glances atL.’scot.) Dot man was tangerous. I yoost dries to ket a nap by der office. (Rises, softly stealing toward door, R.,Leg.rolls over.Schnell, alarmed, darts out.)
Leggatt.(Sleepily yawns.) More noise, somewhere, and I was just going—(settles down and drops to sleep, short loud caterwauling, then all quiet.)
Bulgersteals in R. with candle.
Bulger.This night will be worse on me than a week’s sickness. I’ll have to take another liver pill. (Takes pill.) If I had a keg of powder under this old hotel I’d blow it to Kingdom-come, landlord, cats and all. But I mustn’t wake that author or he’ll want to read Squibbs’ novel to me. He’s had a good sleep. I’ve caught cold in that hall. It was like the Cave of the Winds. (Feels bed. Surprised.) Why, that bed is warm yet. That’s very strange! The room is as cold as a barn. There’s no blanket here either. I left that in the hall. If I close that window may be I can get along. I’ll wake everybody in the house probably. (Goes softly to window, tugs at it, steals glance atLeggatt, gives a quick tug, down comes window on the run and breaks a pane of glass.)
Leggatt.(Starting up, sitting posture.) What’s that? Who’s there? (Bulgercrawls behind the curtains.) Hey there! Say! (Pause.) It’s that Dutchman again! He’s worse than Bulger was. Fallen out of that rickety old bed again, I suppose. If he’d only break his neck! (Scratching matches, lights candle.) Why, he isn’t there. Now, that’s odd! Both gone! A good riddance. I may catch my four o’clock turn yet. (Starts.) My watch! I’ll bet that Dutchman was a thief in disguise. (Feels in vest pocket.) No, it is there all right. I have nothing else to steal. I’m an author. He wouldn’t take Squibbs’ novel. No, nobody would run away with Squibbs. (Looks at watch again.) 2:45! It’s just timefor Bulger’s train. (B.behind curtain, “Confound it.”) What’s that? I surely heard a voice. Some oneisconcealed somewhere. I’ll call the landlord. No bell. I’ll catch cold if I get up to throw a pop bottle. I guess I’ll just fire the pistol. (B.in alarm dodges closer to wall. Pistol shot.) There! I guess that’ll fetch him. I’ll give him a piece of my mind. When I took this room I gave him the privilege of putting in a quiet party occasionally. Quiet! This has been a delightfully quiet night.
EnterLandlord, R., excitedly followed bySchnell.
Land.Great heavens! Where was that shot?
Schnell.Himmel! He sound like a cannon. I joomp out o’ my schleep ten feet alretty.
Land.(Excitedly.) Where was it? The house will be in an uproar. Leggatt, why don’t you speak?
Leggatt.(Coolly.) Iwillspeak. Landlord, it is my deliberate opinion that you keep the worst hotel that I ever saw.
Land.That’s a slander, strictly first-class! But the shot?
Leggatt.In the absence of a bell the shot was simply to call you.
Land.(Angrily.) Why, you don’t mean to say—
Leggatt.That’s just what I mean to say. You were to put only quiet people in here.
Land.Bulger is all right. Best man on the road.
Leggatt.He has softening of the brain.
Land.Impossible! Bulger is one of the best salesmen on the road.
Leggatt.I’ve had enough of him. I think he’s crazy. (B.angry gesture from behind curtain.)
Land.Nonsense! His head is as level as—as mine.
Leggatt.I wont disputethat!
Land.And you mean you fired a pistol and alarmed the whole house just to tell me this.
Leggatt.I’m not done yet. Next thing you bring in an idiotic Dutchman—
Schnell.Vy, you rascal! dot is me.
Leggatt.(With wave of hand.) Allow me, Wagonblock. I’m talking to the landlord.
Land.Let up and go to sleep. You’ll be all right in the morning. Where is Bulger? It’s train time.
Leggatt.Bulger! What do I know about Bulger? Get out now and leave me alone.
Land.But Bulger—(Leg.lies down.) Say, Leggatt!
Schnell.I tink dot littery chap haf kilt Pulcher.
Land.(Starting.) What? (SeizesLeggattby arm and jerks him to sitting posture.) Produce Bulger. The shot—Bulger. Have you murdered him?
Leggatt.(Throwing him off.) I’m ready to murder somebody. (Seizes cane.)
Land.(Retreating.) Where is Bulger?
Bulger.Here he is! (Strides down angrily.Land.andSchnellstart back.) And let me add to what that literary man says. I thought he could use words better in such a case than a plain drummer, but he isn’t in it. Of all the noisy, windy, ill-kept, bad-smelling, disreputable (gets emphatic as he speaks), disorderly, rag-tag-and-bob-tail hotels in creation—
Schnell.Mine Gott!
Land.Hold on, sir. You’re going too far.
Bulger.I’ll go farther next trip. I’ll go to the next town. (Getting valise and things.)
Land.Your bill is ready.
Bulger.(Snorting.) Bill! bill!
Land.(Decidedly.) I saidbill.
Leggatt.Bulger, you’ll miss your train if you stand there quarreling. Now clear out, all of you, or I’ll miss my 4 o’clock sleep. I almost feel as if I should miss it after this. (LandlordtakesB.’svalise and is going R. followed byB.Schnellstands undecided.) Hi there, landlord, don’t leave that Dutchman here. (Landlordpays no attention, exeunt.)
Schnell.(Angrily.) Tutchman! dat was me—Mine frent, I was no Tutchman, I was Cherman oont—
Leggatt.Get out before I commit murder. A first-class quiet hotel! Oh! (Reaches for pistol.Schnellgoes flying out R.)
Quick Curtain.
MADAM PRINCETON’STemple of BeautyA FARCEBy T. S. DENISONAuthor ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.
MADAM PRINCETON’STemple of Beauty
A FARCE
By T. S. DENISON
Author ofOdds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Justice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen Peddler, The School Ma’am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O’Wang, Rejected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P’s Beauty Parlors, Topp’s Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It’s all in the Pay-Streak, The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues.
Also the Novels,The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc.
CHICAGO:T. S. DENISON, Publisher,163 Randolph Street.