REJECTED.

REJECTED.COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON.

Time of playing, forty minutes.

Mr. Greathead, dignified business man, very natty business suit, silk tile, etc. Powers, plainly dressed, tired, soured man, but not boorish or coarse in any respect. Welby, rustic manners and dress but rather presentable. Hyde-Arlington, should be unusual, either very tall and ungainly or very stout and prosy looking, hair badly mussed, linen soiled, some buttons missing from coat, shoes with very best shine to contrast with seedy appearance. Droll and good natured. Mrs. Fadd, in latest style of street dress, jewels; puts on airs. Susan Ann Brown, plainly but well dressed, brusque, business like, decisive character. Miss Bodman, neat dress, suitable for office.

R.means right of the stageC., center;R. C., right center;L., left;1 E., first entrance;U. E., upper entrance, etc.;D. F., door in flat or back of the stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience.

REJECTED.

Scene—Office ofGreathead & Wright, Publishers. Discovered as curtain rises,Mr. Powersa “reader” at desk L., andMiss Bodman, stenographer, working writing machine R.P.has large pile of MSS. before him. He moves nervously and knocks off leaves that scatter round floor. Rises impatiently.

Powers.(Talking to himself aloud.) This is simply killing. It would wear out a cast-iron man. (Commences picking up sheets.)

Miss B.(Glancing round.) He’s in a bad humor this morning. Some poor author will suffer for it. (ToP.) Found anything good, Mr. Powers?

Powers.Such books! Such inanity. Are all the fools in the country turning authors?

Miss B.(Laughing.) Why, Mr. Powers, you forget you are an author yourself.

P.No, Miss Bodman, I do not forget it. Here I am, a man of genius, capable of winning the admiration of two hemispheres, who has in fact surprised the civilized world already, compelled to earn my bread by delving among the rubbish of a literary muck-heap.

Miss B.Why don’t you quit that and let your own genius loose?

P.Humph! A book like my “Countess Margo, or A Romance of two Castles,” has no chance of winning in this money-grubbing day. People don’t know poetry, romance, pathos, and sympathy when they see it. Genius is extinguished amid the meretricious glitterings of fad literature.

Miss B.Fie, Mr. Powers, I really believe you are jealous of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd, whose last novel “Sweet Jingles Jangled” set everybody wild.

P.Miss Bodman, I hope I shall never be guilty of jealousy of Mrs. Fadd. Why, my book, “A Romance of Two Castles,” is a prose idyl. It is as different from Mrs. Fadd’s “Sweet Jingles Jangled” as Confucius is different from Brigham Young.

Miss B.Oh, what a comparison! I do admire your command of language!

P.Ah, thank you. You are a woman of appreciation, but the world—bah the world—(Puts MSS. back on table.)

Miss B.What have you found there to cross you?

P.What have I found? The same old thing—rubbish from the four quarters of the earth; drivel, nine tenths of it absolute, unqualified idiocy.

Miss B.Why, Mr. Powers, you are unusually sarcastic to-day.

P.Haven’t I cause? Here I, the author of “A Romance of Two Castles,” am expected to read for Greathead & Wright, publishers, from two to five books per day—and oh such stuff. I’m expected to decide the fate of a book, subject to the final decision of Mr. Greathead. And I get a scoring if I reject a book that afterward succeeds with some other publisher.

Miss B.For instance, Gen. Radwell’s great book.

P.Miss Bodman, that isn’t a pleasant subject. How should I know that Gen. Radwell’s book would be the greatest hit for a half century? Mr. Greathead stormed, and I believe if it hadn’t been for Mr. Wright I should not to-day be delving in this mountain of verbiage as confidential reader and literary adviser for the great publishing house of Greathead & Wright. (Slams down MSS. on table besideMiss B.’sdesk, R. Rings bell.) I’ll tell Figgs to return that, it is all rot!

Miss B.Why, Mr. Powers,youare positively using slang!

P.I beg pardon, Miss Bodman, but I just couldn’t help it this time.It is rot.

Miss B.Why, whose book is it?

P.It’s another interminable manuscript from Arthur Welby. That man is a menace to society. He oughtto be incarcerated. He keeps several novels on the go all the time. They have been rejected by every publisher on the continent, I believe.Hecalls himself an author.

Miss B.But pardon me. He has publishedonebook.

P.Oh yes, a book’s a book although there’s nothing in it.

Miss B.But there is something in that one. It made me weep.

P.Yes, and it made his publisher weep too. Had to sell it for old paper at one cent a pound. (Rings bell again.) Where on earth is that boy!

Miss B.Well, I don’t care, I liked Welby’s book.

P.Oh, some people will like anything. (Miss B.stares.) I mean, some sloppy critic called Welby the American Dumas and that ruined him. Instead of making his books smooth and—

Miss. B.And stupid!

P.No, in good form, flowing and soothing, he crams them full of stirring scenes in imitation of the old school. If I had to bring out Dumas with his sensationalism, and Dickens with his exaggerations—well they wouldn’t be brought out, that’s certain. (Jabs bell viciously.) Where is that boy? Asleep again I suppose.

Enteroffice boy, R.

P.Here William, tell Figgs to return this manuscript by express, author’s expense.

W.Yes, sir!

P.Welby’s postage bills will ruin him. William, muss it a little, so he’ll think it has been read. Be careful now. You got chewing gum between the sheets of one book and the author wrote to Mr. Greathead about it.

W.Will a few thumb prints do?

P.Goodness, no!Idon’t thumb print my books.

W.Mr. Snap does.

P.Snap! The magazine and the book departments are managed differently. Turn up a corner here andthere and displace a sheet occasionally so that when wrapped they will crease. Tell Figgs about that. (Boy fumbling with MSS. knocks it off table and the sheets fly in every direction. In attempting to catch MSS. he overturns the dish of water used with letter press and it rolls on floor wetting some of sheets.)

Miss. B.(Springing aside.) Good gracious, William!

P.Just like a boy! A boy’s an animal! You’ve made a pretty mess of things.

W.I’m only mussin’ it, sir. (They gather up MSS.,Miss. B.wiping water from skirts.)

P.Some of it is wet, it must be carefully dried.

Miss. B.I’m afraid it’ll blur badly.

P.Well, he at least cannot complain that it has never been opened. One author actually had the audacity to write that his book had never been opened.

Miss B.Had it?

P.I believe not. That joke was on Snap. They botch things in the magazine department. I am careful to open everything. No need to read it.

Miss B.Howdoyou decide on the merits without reading?

P.Easy enough. There is a sort of recognized literary clique. If a book has the countersign it is read; if it comes from an outsider it is returned at once with thanks, etc. Greathead & Wright, in fact all publishers, seek people with a reputation.

Miss B.Dear me, how does an outsider get in then?

P.He doesn’t get in.

Miss B.But how can an author get a reputation till he has published a book?

P.That’s his affair. He can’t surely expect to publish till he has the reputation.

EnterSusan Ann Brown, R. Her manner is brusque in this scene and she talks down all opposition.

Susan.Is this the office of Greathead & Wright, Publishers?

P.(Bowing, comes down C.) It is. What can I do for you, madam?

Susan.Mr. Greathead in?

P.Your name?

Susan.Susan Ann Brown. Is Mr. Greathead in?

P.Not at present, it’s a little early.

Susan.Wright in?

P.(Astonished at her manner.) He is out of the city, madam. Can’t I do something for you? Your business?

Susan.(With air of contempt for his position.) I don’t think you can. I called on very important business!

P.I am here to attend to business!

Susan.I can’t talk to clerks! I want to see one of the firm.

P.If it is an order for books, the counting room is just across the hall.

Susan.(With toss of head.) It isn’t an order. I am an author. Have a novel, “Winds that Sough in the Night,” 1,100 pages.

P.Madam, it is my business to take charge of manuscripts. I—

Susan.(Emphatically.) No, you don’t. I’ve heard of your ways. Nobody but the firm will read my book.

P.But that is impossible. Our plan—

Susan.Is to give manuscripts to some clerk to be fumbled over. As if a ten dollar clerk was the arbiter of literature; or may be you send it out to some society woman whose husband has failed in business, as if that had fitted her to decide anything.

P.But madam, if you will allow me, we consider our readers competent.

Susan.AndIthink (talks fast and emphatically but distinctly) an author knows something about a book too, after toiling at it for months. Humph, do you suppose I’ve been living so long for nothing and writing all my life, too? Your plan, indeed! My book “Winds that Sough in the Night” deals withTheosophy. You would give that to some man who thinks Theosophy all a humbug. He’d laugh at it and I’d be out my postage. If my book was an exposé of Theosophy, you would give it to some man who believed in the thing and he’d turn it down for spite. Author out again—say, when’ll Greathead be in?

P.I should say inside half an hour.

Susan.Which had I better see, Mr. Greathead or Mr. Wright?

P.(Resignedly.) Either will do.

Susan.Then I’ll see Greathead first.

P.Have you a letter of introduction, madam?

Susan.Don’t need any. I introduce myself. If Greathead doesn’t come around to my views I’ll see Wright. If he is not convinced, I’ll get the two together and tell ’em what they are missing if they reject my novel. Why, it is equal to Uncle Tom’s Cabin and it is longer than “Robert El Smere.”

P.(Getting impatient.) Miss Brown, excuse me, I am very busy, will you leave a card?

Susan.No, I’ll be back in half an hour.

P.But what shall I say?

Susan.Nothing. I’ll do the talking. I was a book agent for five years.

P.Oh!

Susan.And I’ve been in New York before! Don’t forget that. And I’ve sold Greathead’s books. I guess I’m not afraid of him. (Exit, R.)

Miss B.(Drawing long breath.) Did you ever!

P.Regular cyclone! Electric motor, quick action.

Miss B.What will Mr. Greathead say to her?

P.Trust him. He was a life insurance agent before he was a publisher.

EnterMr. Greathead, R.

Mr. G.Good morning, Powers. Good morning, Miss Bodman.

Mr. G.Mr. Powers, has the printer sent over press proofs of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd’s novel “Miss Ducie’s Mistake?”

P.They are on your desk, sir.

Mr. G.(Going toward private office, D. F.) Mr. Powers, if that man Welby calls, positively, I can not seehim. I suspect he is after me. It is in very bad taste the way he is hounding publishers.

P.Very, sir. I understand that Mr. Scooper of Scooper & Puff came pretty near ejecting him from their office yesterday.

Mr. G.That would do for Scooper & Puff but not for Greathead & Wright. We aim to treat all authors with the utmost courtesy. It is business, you see.

P.Exactly, I’ll attend to him. I have already examined his book.

Mr. G.What, already? It was only left late last evening you know.

P.I did not read itall. Same old thing. Harrowing scenes, sensational and low types of people.

Mr. G.There’s something in Welby. I confess his books interest me.

P.Yes, he persists in following the old style and strives to make his books interesting instead of easy, polished, soothing. In short, he wholly ignores good form.

Mr. G.I had hopes for him once.

P.I had none. He insists in crowding his books with incidents. Admires Dumas.

P.Just so, a hopeless case! (ExitG., D. F.)

P.Now, Miss Bodman, let me dictate the letters to Welby and Ralph Hyde-Arlington. I’d send the printed form: “We have carefully read your valuable MS. and beg to say that our reader does not advise us to undertake its publication, etc. Thanks for esteemed favor,” etc.

Miss B.And all that, taffy rejection of a MS. does not imply literary deficiency, etc.

P.I’d give that to all of them straight, but apparently Mr. Greathead has promised these two pretenders that their MSS. shall have special attention. I think Welby’s got it, too. (Laughs.)

Miss B.Mr. Welby would like a line as to thereasonhis MS. is found unavailable, in case it is returned. Poor man! he seemed to have a presentiment of refusal.

P.Yes, apparently that is the only sane point leftin Welby. He has presentiments. He knows he is going to get it in the neck.

Miss B.Really, Mr. Powers, your language is shocking to-day.

P.I can’t help it. Just think! In the last three days some score of rejected authors have been insisting on reasons, and I can’t give reasons. Mr. Greathead has forbidden it.

Miss B.But don’t you think an author is entitled to some consideration where his own hard labor is concerned?

P.Great Scott! If I tried to satisfy them all I’d be in an insane asylum before a month. They manage that better in the magazine department. Mr. Wright is a man of business. He has given orders to stop all authors in the vestibule, take their books away from them and show them out.

EnterWilliam, R., carrying enormous armful of MSS. in packages and envelopes. Some fall to floor. Puts them on P.’s desk. A roll remains on floor.

P.(Groans.) Look at that pile, one mail!

William.(Aside.) That’ll make the old man sweat. (Starts out and stumbles over roll, falls sprawling.)

P.Look at your carelessness! Pick that up. The dunce has rolled it. The magazine department refuses to look at anything that is rolled. But I am a drudge. Ihaveto do it. Greathead is too easy.

Miss B.But our letters, Mr. Powers,—

P.(Groans.) I’ll make them short. (Dictates.) “Mr. Arthur Welby, Mount Hope, Ill.—You had better move to mount Despair—”

Miss B.Do I take all that?

P.No, of course not. I’m talking now.

Miss B.I see.

P.There are precious few authors anywhere in America, and as for the West and especially Chicago—pah!

Miss B.I suppose the best can come only from Europe.

P.Decidedly.

Miss B.America was not big enough to produce “A Romance of Two Castles.”

P.Miss Bodman, sarcasm is wasted in this office. If you do not like my book—once is sufficient to tell me. (Spitefully.) Of course, if you like Arthur Welby’s novel, “The Man from Mattoon,” you couldn’t like mine. Go on please, you have the address.

Miss B.(Tartly.) I’m waiting to go on. (Reads.) “Mr. Arthur Welby, Mt. Hope, Ill.”

P.Dear Sir—We have read carefully the MSS. of your very interesting story—

Miss B.What a fib!

P.Miss Bodman, you will please not interrupt—“The Governor’s Daughter.” We regret that it is not exactly suited to our present needs. Thanking you for the opportunity of reading your very original book we are, Very respectfully, Greathead & Wright. Now for that irrepressible poet, Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington.

Miss B.I hope you are not going to reject him.

P.I should say rather. Why not?

Miss B.Some of his poems are just lovely.

P.Stuff! Nothing but jingle!

Miss B.Quite the contrary. His “Lines to a Dead Canary” are full of pathos and sentiment.

P.Well, I admit that Hyde-Arlington’s lines have a certain go about them suited to these times when ideas are superfluous in literature.

Miss B.(With sentiment.) What is your ideal of him, Mr. Powers.

P.Hum, I have no time to form ideals.

Miss B.His name is quite romantic, Ralph Hyde-Arlington.

P.Yes, it looks well on a title page.

Miss B.I think he must be tall and handsome, with dreamy eyes and dark curling locks. His sentiment issotender. He must be an Apollo.

P.Possibly. I hope we shan’t have to verify that. He’s in the city now.

Miss B.I hope he’ll call.

P.(Emphatically.) I hope he will not. You know I dread the sight of an author as I dread small pox. Now for his letter.

EnterWilliam, suddenly, R.

William.Mr. Welby’s here again. He’s kind o’ excited. (P.jumps up. ThrustsW.’sletter into boy’s hand.)

P.Mail that immediately, William. (ToMiss B.) Tell Welby we’ve written. Say anything. Get rid of him. (Exit hastily, L.)

EnterWelby, R.

W.I beg pardon, Miss, I just called to say that I’ll be in town three or four days yet. My address is Fifth Avenue Hotel.

Miss B.Yes, sir, I’ll note that.

W.(Hesitating.) My book was to have immediate attention. I suppose it is in hand to-day. (Boy at door grins, holds letter,Miss B.nods to him.)

Miss B.I think that it is—that is—oh, I remember. The house has written you.

W.(Excitedly.) Oh, so soon. Then they must want an interview. In that case I am at their service. I’ll wait now.

Miss B.(Perplexed.) Oh, no—I meant (winks atW.again) that is you had better see the letter.

EnterRalph, R.

Ralph.Is this the office of Greathead & Wright, Publishers?

Miss B.Yes, sir, the counting room is just across the hall.

Ralph.The counting room is not what I want. I seek an interview with the firm.

Miss B.That is impossible. Mr. Wright has gone to Boston and Mr. Greathead has been very busy of late with authors.

Ralph.Then Greathead is my man, I am an author.

Miss B.(Surprised.) In that case I’ll leave your card on his desk.

Ralph.I have no card. Poets can’t afford cards. Just say Ralph Hyde-Arlington.

Miss B.(Starts, drops note book.) Oh! You are Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington!

Ralph.(Bowing.) I am, Miss, at your service, Ralph Hyde-Arlington, author of “The Dead Canary and Other Poems.”

Welby.(Picking up note book.) Allow me, miss!

Miss B.Goodness me!

Welby.Are you ill, Miss Bodman?

Miss B.No, thank you! Just a momentary dizziness.

Ralph.How my appearance affects her! (Looks proud.)

Miss B.It’s gone now. Allow me Mr. Arthur Welby, novelist, to introduce Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington, poet. (They shake hands down C.)

Welby.Ah! this is a pleasure, Mr. Hyde-Arlington. My wife likes the “Dead Canary” very much.

Ralph.(Bowing.) Thank you! Thank you!

Welby.In fact it is her favorite poem. By the way, of course you’ve read my novel, “The Man from Mattoon.”

Ralph.(Confused.) No, I haven’t. I am reserving that pleasure. It is inexcusable of me to have put off so long, for it is a work of genius. (W.bows.) But you see I’m a poor man and poetry doesn’t pay. We’ve quite a family too—nine children now.

Miss B.(Exclaiming suddenly.) Oh, goodness—I beg pardon, gentlemen. (Goes up to her type-writing machine.)

W.Really, I fear she is ill.

Ralph.(Aside toW.) It is our presence that affects her.

W.(Starting.) No.

Ralph.Sure!

W.(ToMiss B.) Do you feel better?

Miss B.I am all right now, thank you. (Rings bell.) Gentlemen, I’ll have you shown to the reception room where you can converse undisturbed.

W.(ToRalph.) I’ll send you a copy of, “The Man from Mattoon.”

Ralph.Thanks, I’ll send you a “Dead Canary.”

EnterWilliam, R.

Miss. B.William, show these gentlemen into reception room. And ask Mr. Robinson the bookkeeper, to step here a moment. (Exeunt, R.) Well, I never! That man the poet, Ralph Hyde-Arlington. He looks like a junk dealer, and married and nine children! Horrors! I thought Lollie June Tibbie must be a willowy school girl, but she proves to be forty and weighs 180. Oh, the surprises of literature! Arlington’s face would stop a clock.

Re-enterWilliam, R.

William.Robinson says he just wont take any more poets out to lunch.

Miss B.Why?

William.He went out with four yesterday, an’ to-day he’s nearly dead with dyspepsy, or whatever ye call it.

Miss B.Let the firm pay his doctor bill. I’m not here to get rid of people.

William.He’s been takin’ pepsicum all day an’ says he just wont do it fur nobody. (ExitW., R.)

EnterMr. G.and P. from D. F.

P.(Anxiously.) Have they gone?

Miss B.No, they are in the reception room.

Mr. G.Powers, I’ll leave it to you. I simply can’t see Mr. Welby again. This is the fifth time we have turned him down.

P.Miss Bodman has mailed him a letter, and—by the way, where did you send that letter?

Miss B.Why to the Fifth Avenue hotel of course.

P.Oh, reckless young woman! now you have done it. He’ll get that letter and be back here in fifteen minutes, wantingreasons. The letter should have gone to Mount Despair, Illinois.

Miss B.You meanMount Hope.

P.Yes, of course. Why didn’t you send it to Mount Hope?

Miss B.Because you gave me his card with Fifth Avenue Hotel address.

Mr. G.We’ll have the bookkeeper take him to lunch.

Miss B.Robinson refuses. Says he is already dying of indigestion.

Mr. G.Then it devolves on you, Powers.

P.Mr. Greathead, I have heart trouble. Send for Snap.

Mr. G.(Laughs.) I’ll put both of them in on Snap. That’ll be a good joke, eh Powers?

P.Oh very funny, sir. Snap played me that trick once.

Mr. G.By the way, Miss Bodman, you had better take your lunch.

Miss B.Yes, sir. (ExitB.R.)

Mr. G.Powers, what do you think of Mr. Wilbur B. Chapter-Chapter’s new novel?

P.What can you expect from Chicago?

Mr. G.But Chicago has her 400 now.

P.Theythinkthey have.

Mr. G.That amounts to the same thing. They will buy Mr. Chapter-Chapter’s book solely because he is in the 400.

P.Then you will sell it chiefly on the binding?

Mr. G.Certainly! The most successful books nowadays owe part of their success to the binder, just as the stage carpenter builds a play.

P.I think you are right, they have plenty of money in Chicago—and pork.

Mr. G.Powers, you are prejudiced against the West. We must cater to them.

P.Very well, sir. Chapter-Chapter’s book is good enough for a caterer. There’s nothing in it.

Mr. G.That makes no difference. Ideas make literature but paper will make books.

P.And it lacks the smooth, gum drop style of Mrs. Fadd’s “Sweet Jingles Jangled.”

Mr. G.(Laughs.) Gum-drops! Powers, you are rather severe on Mrs. Fadd. We can’t expect to equalher great book more than once in a decade. The only point to be considered is this: Is Chapter-Chapter’s book in good form?

P.Oh, the best. Why, he led the ball given in honor of Princess Eulalia.

Mr. G.That fact alone is a capital start. We’ll state it in the preface.

P.And he dedicated the Joss House erected by the Century Club to the adoration of the “Heavenly Twins.”

Mr. G.Enough! We will publish Chapter-Chapter’s book.

P.We should have it endorsed by the Supreme Council of the New York Pow Wow.

Mr. G.That is veryeasy. The secretary will write us a “Letter.”

EnterWilliam, R.

William.Mr. Greathead, Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd has called.

Mr. G.(Pleased.) Show her in, William. Powers, do your best. She likes compliment and she’s the greatest writer of the time.

P.You meanseller, Mr. Greathead.

Mr. G.Yes, yes, but do try to worship her a little, business you know.

EnterMrs. Fadd, R.

Mr. G.(Effusively.) My dear Mrs. Fadd, this is indeed a pleasure. (Places chair, C.)

P.(Bowing.) Yes, unfortunately we see so little of authors, those wonderful people who make the world laugh or weep at their will.

Mr. G.(TappingP.’sshoulder.) Very neat! I couldn’t have said it so well.

Mrs. F.(Dropping in chair.) You are very kind gentlemen. But I’m here on business. How are the books selling?

Mr. G.The success of your book is simply phenomenal. The sales of “Sweet Jingles Jangled” marksan era in the book business. Presses running day and night. The name of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd is on every tongue, club talk, society talk, street car talk—why I overheard one newsboy ask another: “Tim wot the dickens did that Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd do?” (All laugh.)

Mrs. F.Yes, they do talk about me. (Laughs.) Penalty of fame! And I am bored to death with letters from everywhere on earth about goodness knows what all, but mostly wanting subscriptions to something or other.

Mr. G.The penalty of greatness, madam!

Mrs. F.The only thing that I shall really push, however, is the new Infirmary for Superannuated Lap-dogs. One must concentrate nowadays. They’ve made me a director in that. Mrs. Wilton Schuyler Vanderzumboom is president. It is an enterprise undertaken exclusively by the most fashionable society. They are breaking their necks in the scramble to get in.

P.Who, the lap-dogs?

Mrs. F.Oh dear, no, the ladies. How absurd!

Mr. G.That’s only a little joke of Powers’. (GivesP.a warning look.) It is a most commendable thing—

Mrs. F.Apparently the day is past when a jest has any relation to a witticism.

Mr. G.No, no, you will have your joke too, Mrs. Fadd. I mean the hospital.

Mrs. F.Infirmary, Mr. Greathead! One is expected to do something and there are so many causes worthy of help. I hesitated between the Humane Society and the Infirmary for Superannuated Lap-dogs. Then I thought I’d better limit myself.

Mr. G.By the way, Mrs. Fadd, I hope you won’t let anything interfere with your contract with Greathead & Wright. Two novels per month, you know, is the agreement.

Mrs. F.Pshaw! I could make it four, I really believe, I write so very easily.

Mr. G.By the way, Mr. Powers, that reminds me that we ought to have Mrs. Fadd interviewed again. She hasn’t been interviewed for nearly a month. Suppose we do it now and send slips to the papers at once.

P.Miss Bodman is not here.

Mr. G.Couldn’t you manage to take it?

P.Possibly, yes. (Gets writing pad and seats himself at desk.)

Mr. G.The public is very much interested in celebrities just now. Napoleon you know, and Pillby. The politician held sway a long time but now the other people are falling into line. When the public hears of success, they want to know all about its possessor. The public idolize success. Now the papers are publishing portraits of dashing Board of Trade men, brilliant, brainy pork-packers, solid real estate men, smooth oil refiners, expansive gas operators.

P.I have seen a write-up of a philanthropic operator in fire sales, ten-cent counter goods, etc.; made his million of course. This is a progressive age.

Mr. G.Now, Mrs. Fadd, be kind enough to answer:

Q. What kind of paper do you write on?

A. Cream laid, note size.

P.Jersey cream?

Mr. G.Powers, you are getting so absent-minded. This is an interview of a literary celebrity.

Q. What sort of chair do you sit in?

A. Cane bottomed.

Q. Straight back or curved?

A. Slightly curved.

Q. You write easily?

A. Oh very! Why, it’s just dead easy. Goodness me! What did the old-fashioned author do with his time, I’d like to know. We read that they wrote and scratched out and groaned and sweat; why I can’t understand it. I drop the sheets on floor with my left hand, (Mr. G.“Got that Powers? With her left hand.”) like clock work, a sheet every five minutes, twelve sheets an hour. Six thousand words per day.

Mr. G.Just think of it. A most prolific pen.

P.Yes, the female pen is often very prolific.

Q. Do you have moods, Mrs. Fadd?

Mrs. F.Why, as to grammar—

Mr. G.I mean the other kind of moods.

A.Moods!no indeed, if I had moods the public would discern them. I set myself a standard of uniformity and compel myself to attain it. When I wrote “Sweet Jingles Jangled” I set myself to please. Labored efforts never please. I said there shouldn’t be an idea in the book, and there isn’t. The mistake of the old authors was in thinking the public wanted ideas. It does not want to be bored with ideas. It wants smooth, flowing, soothing—what shall I say?

P.Stuff.

Mrs. F.No, there is a better word. (Thinks.) Dear me—for the present we’ll say stuff, that may be read any where at any time without the possibility of exciting thought or provoking tiresome discussion. That’s why the public likes Mrs. Fadd. It knows Mrs. Fadd is both safe and entertaining.

Q. Mrs. Fadd do you revise much?

A. Oh, never! I consider revision the rock on which many authors have foundered. The moment you begin to revise you break in upon that flowing smoothness which the public likes, and then your stuff doesn’t appear fresh. If you revise, your work is sure to show it, and that the public resents, says you are straining after effect. Why, we read of one of the old authors who rode round town for an entire day in a half demented condition, in a cab, to the great alarm of the driver. At last throwing open the door, he jumped wildly into the street, at the risk of his neck, exclaiming: “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” The cabman greatly relieved thought he alluded to the fare and replied! “All right, sir! Seven hours, one dollar an hour.” (All laugh.) The author angrily replied: “You fool, I’m talking about a word I wanted. At last I’ve got it.” Now is it any wonder that authors who drove round in cabs looking for words were always in indigent circumstances?

P.A dictionary would be cheaper.

Mr. G.Decidedly! Now as to your personal life, Mrs. Fadd, the public insists on knowing those things.

Mrs. F.I’m sure I don’t object to telling.

Q. Do you take cream in your coffee?

A. At breakfast, not at dinner.

Q. Sugar?

A. Yes.

Q. How many lumps?

A. Two at breakfast, one at dinner.

Mr. G.Note that Powers; curious eccentricity in the matter of sugar. Expand that a little.

Q. Whose soap do you use?

A. Quince’s.

Q. If you only took a cigarette occasionally it would add piquancy you know; royalty does it, duchesses and all thebizarrepeople.

Mrs. F.Oh, Idosmoke a little but you really must not put that in, I—

EnterbrusquelySusan Ann Brown, R.

Susan.Is this Mr. Greathead?

Mrs. F.(Jumping up.) Oh dear! What if she heard! She may think I smoke a pipe. Goodness me! (Runs out L.)

Susan.Is this Mr. Greathead?

Mr. G.It is madam, at your service.

Susan.I am Susan Ann Brown, author of “Winds that Sough in the Night,” the greatest novel of the day, 1,100 pages, 300,000 words.

Mr. G.To be sure. I’ll introduce you to Mr. Powers our “Reader.” He will examine your book.

Susan.I want Mr. Greathead to read it.

Mr. G.That is simply impossible. Have an engagement. Mr. Powers is next to me.

Susan.I guess the best way is for me to call again. I’ll read it to you myself.

Mr. G.Eleven hundred pages! Excuse me, madam, I have an urgent engagement (looks at watch). Past time now! Here, Powers, attend to the lady. (Rushes out L.)

Susan.(ToP.) So you are next to him. Ifyoudecide you must first hear every line, no skipping. I’ll see to that myself.

P.(Sits at his desk and commences to fumble MSS., out of humor.) My dear madam, our plan—

Susan.And my plan is to do nothing half way.

P.But, Miss Brown, I really never could listen well. My ear I think—

Susan.I’ve a strong voice. I guess my way’s best. I’m a good reader. (Pulls up chair beside him to his surprise, sits, opens MS.)

P.(Groans.) But madam, this isn’t regular.

Susan.I’ve heard all about your putting off authors. Now I’m here and I’m going to be heard.

P.Good Lord, madam—

Susan.Just keep cool now. If you once hear “Winds that Sough in the Night” you’ll want it. (Reads.) “One evening, some thirty years ago, a solitary horseman was seen winding his way over the bare, snow-clad hills as the red December sun was slowly sinking in the western horizon. As he rode along he was immersed in—”

P.(Frantically.) The river, I hope.

Susan.We should get on better if you did not anticipate, Powers.

P.Anticipate! (Jumps and rings bell. Instantly gong sounds outside.Susanjumps up in alarm, drops leaf of MS.)

Susan.What was that? (Gong again very loud.)

P.Fire, madam, the place is on fire! Escape for your life

Susan.Merciful heaven, and if my precious book should be burned. Why, my book is a legacy for the ages. (Rushes wildly out R. hugging MS.)

P.(Laughs.) That’s our last resort in self-defense. Now may be I can do some work. (Goes to desk and takes up MS.)

Re-enterWelby, R.

W.I got that letter, Mr. Powers. I hardly expected that.

P.They never do expect it.

W.What are your reasons for rejecting my great book, “The Governor’s Daughter?”

P.Because we did not want it.

W.Sir, you are insulting.

P.Very well, abuse me if you choose. I’m only an employé. I have to be polite.

W.But has an author no rights? Must he go on forever like the Wandering Jew and never be told anything? If I were your tailor you would tell me what was the matter.

P.It costs more to put a book to press than it does a coat.

W.I could possibly fix up the book or write one that would please you.

P.I’m very sorry, Mr. Welby, but I’m only part of a vast machine and we can’t give reasons for everything we do.

W.But Mr. Greathead practically promised me an interview.

P.Then see him.

W.How can I see him when he’s never visible?

P.I’ll call him. (Raps, D. F.)

EnterG.

Mr. G.(Starts back, surprised.) Ah, is it you, Mr. Welby?

W.Yes. May I ask something about my book?

Mr. G.Why, really it’s against our rules but, Powers, suppose you take Mr. Welby out to lunch and talk with him.

W.I much prefer to see you, sir. I agree not to bore you.

Mr. G.(Gets hat.) Then suppose you do me the honor of lunching with me at the Club.

W.With pleasure. (Exeunt, R.)

P.(Dropping in chair.) I shall have softening of the brain, I know it, I feel it coming on.

EnterRalph, R.

Ralph.Mr. Greathead in yet?

P.No.

Ralph.I’ve been waiting in the reception room two hours.

P.I’m very sorry.

Ralph.Where is he? I’ll follow him all over New York.

P.(Wearily.) Gone to lunch with Mr. Welby.

Ralph.Welby, ha! Welby is taking advantage of me. Why didn’t I invite Mr. Greathead to lunch with me. (Runs fingers through hair, assumes dignified air which is very comical.) May be I’m not so well dressed as Welby, but clothes have nothing to do with literature.

P.But they do with books.

Ralph.A fine distinction. Mrs. Fadd wears good clothes. Mr. Powers, while we are all alone, suppose I just read you a few poems from my new volume, “The Pith Soldier, and Other Poems?” They far surpass the “Dead Canary.” You’ll want them.

P.Mr. Hyde-Arlington, we never do that. It’s against the rules.

Ralph.I mean just in an informal way between ourselves. You know the success attained by my “Dead Canary.”

P.Impossible, my dear sir. The building may take fire.

Ralph.(Starting.) Fire! What’s that you said?

P.I mean—go on sir. (R.begins unwrapping package.)

P.(Aside.) I’ll try the fire alarm. (Before he can ring bell)—

Enter, R. hastily,Susan.

Susan.Young man, that was a false alarm. There wasn’t any fire.

Ralph.Fire! No, my poetry is not as hot as Mrs. Wheelwright’s.

Susan.(IgnoresR.) I lost a page of my book. I couldn’t lose the least bit of it for the world. It is my heart’s blood, drop by drop—oh, there it is! (Picks page under chair.) Oh, how I’ve worked on that book, I’ve burned for hours the midnight oil with aching head and ceaseless toil. There! I didn’t mean to make poetry.

Ralph.(Sarcastically.) You haven’t made any.

Susan.(With withering glance.) Who are you, I’d like to know?

Ralph.I am Ralph Hyde-Arlington, poet, author of “The Dead Canary, and Other Poems.”

Susan.And I am Susan Ann Brown, novelist, author of “Winds that Sough in the Night.”

Ralph.Excuse me, madam, but you have interrupted us. I was about to read my poems to Mr. Powers.

Susan.Excuseme. I was here first. (Powersin glee watches dispute, rubs hands, then quietly gets hat and steals out L.)

Ralph.But you went out madam. A publishing house is like a barber shop.

Susan.(Snorts.) Barber shop!

Ralph.Yes, when you leave you lose your turn.

Susan.Humph! I don’t know anything about barber shops, and I guess from your appearance you haven’t been in one lately either.

Ralph.Madam, the natural gallantry which appertains to my sex and calling forbids me to argue this question further with a lady. (Sees thatP.is gone, gives knowing look.) Satisfied of my own rights in the matter I yield to you, I go. (Bows, exit R.)

Susan.He’s not so bad after all. But what a difference between poetry and its producers. All contrast in this world! Now Mr. Powers—(reads same paragraph as before, looks up, discoversP.is gone, screams)—all gone! That fire must be real, for there isn’t a soul in sight. (Gong again.) Oh dear, if my novel should be burned it would be an irreparable loss to the world. The very thought makes me shudder. (Runs out R. crying“fire! fire!”)

Quick Curtain.

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