ACT I

Look Out for PaintACT I

Look Out for Paint

SCENE.—Sitting-room of the “High Up Farmhouse.”

EnterHiram Rodney,drying hands with big, coarse towel.

Hiram.So it’s city boarders we’re going to have, eh? An’ one is comin’ to-day! Well, I don’t think a whole lot of this pesky business, but Susan got it in her head to take ’em, so I s’pose she’s got to have her way about it. Women-folks generally does have their own way, anyhow. I know Susan does; she always has, too. But it’s all right. A little cash money from boarders will come in mighty handy, I calculate. It’s been so dry that it looks as though the corn crop is going to be a rank failure. An’ the hay——(Voices and laughter outside.) Hello! What’s this? Bill has brought the new boarder over from the depot, I s’pose. (Goes to door atC.) Yes, sure enough, she’s come. My! but ain’t she dressed up! Paint an’ powder on her face, too! An’ Bill is luggin’ in her trunk.

EnterBill,carrying trunk, followed byHattie Renwick.

Bill.Here we are, Mr. Rodney. I found her all right. Ain’t she a stunner? I’ll bet that dress an’ hat of hers cost more’n five dollars, bergosh! Ain’t she——

Hiram.Shet up, you fool! Don’t you know how to act when we’ve got company?

Hat.(graciously). Oh, don’t mind him. I think Bill is just too cute for anything. He is so witty in his conversation that I just enjoyed myself riding over from the depot. (Laughs lightly and glances killingly atBill,who curtsies and then struts around like a peacock.) So this is High Up Farm, I suppose?

Hiram.Yes, miss, that’s just what it is. Be you Miss Hattie Renwick, the new boarder?

Hat.Yes, that is who I am, sir. I suppose you are Mr. Rodney?

Hiram.That’s me. I’m the boss of this here place—when Susan ain’t around, I mean. (Footsteps atL.) Here she comes now. She’ll look after you all right, miss. Susan knows her business.

EnterSusan Rodney,from kitchen atL.

Hat.Mrs. Rodney, I presume?

Susan(bowing and smiling). Yes, that’s who I be. You are the young lady come here to board, I take it?

Hiram.That’s who she is, Susan. Jest look after her, will you? (ToBill.) Take that trunk up-stairs, Bill, an’ hurry up about it. I’ve got to send you back to the village before you unhitch the mare. I wanted you to do an errand for me, but you went off without me knowin’ it. Hurry up now.

Bill.All right. I’ll git this here trunk up-stairs in a jiffy. (Tries to lift trunk and falls over it.) Gosh! I missed my hold that time. (ToHat.) Say, miss, there ain’t no crockery in this, is there?

Hat.(laughing). No crockery, Bill.

Bill.All right, then.

(Hiramhelps him and the two exeunt with trunk atR.)

Hat.(looking about room and breathing a sigh of relief). What a relief to get out of the crowded, dusty city. I am so glad I am here.

Susan.You ought to be, Miss Renwick. There is nothing like the dear old country, after all. Shall I show you to your room?

Hat.If you please, Mrs. Rodney.

EnterHiramandBill,R.ExeuntSusanandHat.,R.

Hiram.Now, Bill, I want you to drive over to the village and tell Jim Styles to send a man over here to paint ther boat just as soon as he kin. Since we’re goin’ ter have boarders, we’ve got to have the boat so they kin use it on the lake. Tell him it’s white paint for the outside an’ yaller inside. Don’t you forgit, Bill.

Bill.I won’t. But I’ll have to bring in an armful of wood first. I seen there wasn’t any in ther wood-box when I come in.

Hiram.Mighty thoughtful of you all at once.

Bill.Say! but ain’t the new boarder a daisy?

(Laughs uproariously.)

Hiram.Pshaw! You don’t think that city gal would take any notice of you, do yer?

Bill.I don’t, eh? That’s as much as you know about it. Why, she told me I was a fine specimen of a healthy young farmer. (Draws himself up proudly.) An’ she give me a dig in ther ribs, too. She’s a reg’lar peach! (Laughs loudly again.)

Hiram.You’re a born fool, Bill, an’ you don’t know it. That gal was jest makin’ fun of yer, that’s all. [ExeuntHiramandBill.

EnterHelen Rodney,with bunch of flowers in her hand.

Hel.I see the buggy outside, so I suppose our boarder has arrived. I wonder how she looks? She wrote that she is a stenographer in New York, and the letter was typewritten, too. By the way it read, she must be very much of a lady. Well, as there is no one here now, I’ll take my chance to write a note to Percy. I know mother won’t object, so I’ll invite him over to take tea with us to-morrow afternoon. Percy is just too sweet for anything; and he is an artist, too! I hope the new boarder is not good-looking, so there will be no danger of her cutting me out. (Opens drawer in stand and takes out paper, pen and ink and writes.) There! (Holds up note she has written.) That is rather brief, but it will answer the purpose, I know. Percy will be delighted to come, too. When mother and father see him and get acquainted with him they won’t mind if he comes often, I am sure. (Reads.) “Dear Percy, come over to-morrow afternoon and take tea with us. Pa and ma will be pleased to see you. Yours lovingly, H. R.” (Places paper in envelope and addresses it.Billis heard whistling outside.) Here, Bill, I want you. Hurry up.

(Billenters on a run and stumbles, throwing an armful of wood on the floor.)

Bill(on his hands and knees). What do yer want, Helen?

Hel.Get up, stupid. I want you to take this letter to the post-office some time to-day.

Bill(taking letter). All right, Helen. I’ve got to go to ther village right away, an’ I’ll mail ther letter for yer.

Hel.Well, see that you don’t lose it. Here is ten cents for you.

Bill.Hooray! I’ll buy a mouth-organ now. Then I’ll make some mew-sick around High Up Farm, see if I don’t. Helen, you never heard me play a mouth-organ, did yer?

Hel.No; and I don’t wish to hear you, either. Just pick up that wood and be off with you.

Bill(gathering up the sticks of wood). All right, Helen. I forgot to thank you for this dime.

(Puts coin in mouth and then goes offL.)(ExitHel.,C.EnterHat.,R.)

(Puts coin in mouth and then goes offL.)

(ExitHel.,C.EnterHat.,R.)

Hat.Oh! Here is pen, ink and paper. Just what I want. I wonder if I could get that simple fellow, Bill, to go over to the post-office? I must let Percy know I am here. Won’t he be surprised! What a romance, indeed. We have never seen each other, nor even exchanged photographs, but I am sure he loves me, or he would never have answered my second letter after reading my advertisement in a matrimonial paper. When I found High Up Farm was so near the village he is stopping in I could not make arrangements to come here quickly enough. How delightful! How romantic! I’ll just write him a few words to let him know I am here. I will ask him to come over to-morrow afternoon. Just think of it! How romantic it will be! I am sure I will know him, for I can imagine just how he looks from his letters. And he is an artist, too. Very, very romantic! (Sits down and writes.) There! I think this will do. (Reads.) “Dear Percy: I have just arrived at High Up Farm and will be pleased to meet you here to-morrow afternoon. I know how surprised you will be when you read this, and feel sure that when you see me you will not be sorry you answered my matrimonial advertisement, which was really inserted more in a spirit of mischief than anything else. Yours, lovingly, H. R.” (To audience.) That ought to land him, if anything will. Since I have decided to get married, I must go the limit. I must land this handsome young artist—I know he must be handsome, for artists always are—and I will surely look my best to-morrow afternoon. I wonder where that big booby, Bill, is? (Billheard whistling outside.) Oh! there he is now. (Walks toL.) Come here, Bill; I want you.

EnterBill,whip in hand.

Bill.What do you want, miss?

Hat.When are you going over to the village again?

Bill.Right now. Kin I do anything for yer?

Hat.(sealing note in envelope). Yes; take this letter to the post-office for me. (Writes address on envelope.)

Bill.All right, Miss Daisy; I’ll do it for yer.

Hat.My name isn’t Daisy.

Bill.Well, you’re a daisy, jest ther same.

Hat.(laughing). Do you think so, Bill?

Bill.I don’t think so; I know it, bergosh!

Hat.None of that, Bill. I know you don’t mean a word of what you say. You are just like the rest of the men.

Bill(pulling up trousers and strutting about with chest thrown out). Rest of ther men, eh? Well, I always thought I was nothin’ but a boy yet. But if you say I’m a man, I must be, Daisy.

Hat.(handing him letter and piece of money). Here is a quarter for you. Take the letter and be sure and mail it. That’s a good boy.

Bill(starting towardL.). Boy, eh? A minute ago I was a man. Well, that’s jest like ther wimmen-folks. They say one thing an’ mean another.

(Laughs loudly and goes offL.Hat.goes offC.)

EnterSusan,R.

Susan.Now I suppose I must get dinner ready. The new boarder is most likely hungry, an’ I want her to be satisfied. Six dollars a week ain’t to be sneezed at these times.

(Starts forL.,whenHel.enters.)

Hel.Mother, I have asked a young man to come over and take tea with us to-morrow. You don’t object, do you?

Susan.Young man? You mean that painter you’ve talked so much about in the last week or two, I s’pose?

Hel.Not painter, mother. He is an artist.

Susan.Well, ain’t a painter an artist? I call him a painter, an’ I don’t think he amounts to much, though I ain’t never set eyes on him.

Hel.(takingSusan’sface in her hands). Oh, mother,you will surely change your opinion when you see him once. He is just too sweet for anything. He is very wealthy, too, and I happen to know that he has more than an ordinary fondness for me.

Susan(disengaging herself fromHel.). All girls are alike at your age. Well, let him come, if he wants to. I was thinking of inviting the widow over to-morrow afternoon, so Miss Renwick would have company. Most likely she’ll find it rather lonesome here at first. Hick Homespun told your father he was coming over to look at the brindle cow which is for sale, to-morrow afternoon, so it will just come in fine. The widow has set her cap for Hick, an’ I’ve made up my mind to help her along all I can. Yes. Let the painter come over, an’ we’ll have a little party.

Hel.And we won’t say anything about it to father, or the boarder, mother. Let’s make it a surprise party, as far as they are concerned.

Susan.Very well, Helen. I was goin’ to tell your father, but if you want him surprised it’s all right.

Hel.Where is the new boarder, mother? I haven’t seen her yet.

Susan.She is up in her room. She seems to be a very nice girl.

Hel.Is she good-looking?

Susan.Very. She reminds me of one of them pictures you see in the fashion books. (Starts.) I hear her coming downstairs now. I’ll introduce you right away.

EnterHat.,R.

Hat.Has Bill gone yet, Mrs. Rodney? I have just discovered that I failed to bring my tooth powder with me, and if there is a drug store at the village I want him to get me some.

Susan.I’ll see if Bill has gone yet, Miss Renwick. (Goes to door atC.,and looks out.) There! he is going now. Hey, Bill! Come back here. You’re wanted. (Comes back.) Miss Renwick, let me make you acquainted with my daughter Helen.

(Hel.,who has been studying the new boarder, advances a step and bows.)

Hat.I am very glad to meet her, I am sure. How do you do, Miss Rodney? (They shake hands.)

Hel.I am quite well, I thank you. I hope you will like it here at High Up Farm.

Hat.I hope so; but it does seem rather slow here at the start. You see, I am so used to the gay life of the city, with the theatre parties every night or two, and the receptions and balls. It is so different in the country. But I will get used to it, I know.

Hel.Miss Renwick, do stenographers have such enjoyment in the city? They must draw large salaries.

Hat.Oh, they do. But of course they don’t use their own money for such pleasures. The fellows attend to that part of it—young men interested in Wall Street, and the like, you know.

Hel.Oh, I see. It must be delightful to live in the city and be a stenographer.

EnterBillhurriedly fromC.

Bill.What do yer want, Missus Rodney? You jest stopped me in time. If I hadn’t waited to fix ther mare’s traces you wouldn’t have got me.

Hat.(smiling graciously). It is I who want you, Bill.

Bill.Oh, it’s you, eh, Daisy?

Hat.What did I tell you about calling me Daisy?

Bill.Excuse me. I’ll change it an’ call you Peach, then.

Hat.Stop your nonsense, Bill. (Takes money from purse and hands it to him.) There! Stop at the drug store and get me a box of tooth powder. If you can’t get powder, get paste.

Bill.An’ if I can’t git paste I’ll git a bottle of mucilage.

Hel.The idea, Bill! Mucilage! People don’t use such stuff as that to clean their teeth.

Bill.If they was false it would be good to stick ’em to ther gums.

Hat.(sharply). Bill, I want you to understand that my teeth are all my own.

Bill.Of course, Daisy—I mean Peach. Whose would they be? If you’ve got false ones most likely you paid for ’em. Whose would they be? (Goes to door atC.,laughing.) But all right, Peach. I’ll git ther tooth powder for yer. I won’t forgit. I’m goin’ to buy a set of clappers with that quarter you give me afore. Then, with a new mouth-organ an’ ther clappers, there’ll be a regular band of music around High Up Farm. [Exit.

Hel.Mother, that boy is getting to be a regular nuisance. The idea of him speaking that way to a stranger!

Hat.Oh! I don’t mind him, Miss Rodney. Bill isn’t exactly all right. I noticed that when he met me at the depot. He means no offense, I am sure. His comical actions and remarks help take away the dullness. Bill is all right.

Susan.Well, we’ve had him ever since he was about ten years old, an’ he’s always been pretty faithful. I s’pose he can’t help it if he’s a little loose in his upper story. Most likely he was born that way.

Hel.Quite likely, mother.

Hat.(sitting down). Miss Helen, are there many good-looking young farmers around here?

Hel.There are plenty of young men in the neighborhood, Miss Renwick. But as to their good looks, I suppose you would be better able to judge than I. You reside in the city, and I presume you see so many handsome young men that you would not think much of those you will meet here in the country. As for myself, I don’t care a great deal for farmers.

Susan.Shame on you, Helen! You, a farmer’s daughter, talkin’ like that.

Hel.I can’t help it, mother; just because I was born on a farm don’t say that I should be a farmer’s wife.

Hat.Why, I think that would be delightful, provided the husband could give his wife all she wanted. Plenty of fine dresses, a horse and carriage, and a nice automobile. Farmers usually are very wealthy, I have heard.

Susan.Well, there ain’t many rich ones around here, Miss Renwick. About the only one anywhere around here who’s got plenty of money is Hick Homespun, an’ his father left it to him. Hick never earned it, though he does know pretty well how to keep it.

Hat.Hick Homespun! What a funny name, Mrs. Rodney.

Susan.Yes, it is a sorter old-fashioned name. But Hick is all right, just the same.

Hel.His given name is Hickory, but every one calls him Hick, for short.

Hat.Is he married?

Hel.No, he is a bachelor farmer.

Susan.But he ain’t likely to remain a bachelor very long. Lucinda Wheatchaff, the widow, has set her cap for him. She’ll catch him, too, for Lucinda has very winnin’ ways. She madeup her mind to get Hank Wheatchaff, an’ she jest went ahead an’ got him. But Hank didn’t live more’n a year, an’ when he died he left the widow a nice little farm an’ a few thousands in cash. Lucinda will win Hick all right, though he’s an awful bashful man. She’ll—— (Knock at doorC.) As I live! I believe that’s the widow now. I always know her knock. (Calls out.) Come in.

EnterLucinda Wheatchaff.

Luc.Hello, everybody! Isn’t this a lovely day? (SeesHat.) Oh! excuse me, Mrs. Rodney. I wasn’t aware that you had company.

Susan(introducing them). Mrs. Wheatchaff, this is our new boarder, Miss Renwick, of New York.

Luc.How do you do, Miss Renwick? We country folks are always glad to meet city folks.

Hat.(graciously). It gives me great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Wheatchaff.

(They shake hands, the widow very demonstrative.)

Hel.Lucinda, I was just telling Miss Renwick about Hick. She wanted to know if there were any nice young men around here.

Luc.Oh, she wanted to know that, eh? (Sizes upHat.critically, and then gives a sniff.) Well, I hardly think Hick Homespun would suit her. Hick has got an awful objection to paint and powder, too. He wouldn’t be apt to take to Miss Renwick.

Hat.(with sweet sarcasm). Indeed! Mrs. Wheatchaff, you are very blunt in your way of speaking, I see. But if the gentleman referred to objects to paint and powder, how do you ever expect to win him?

Luc.(holding up her hands in surprise). Me? As if I wanted another man! I’ve had one, and I am sure that is enough. (Picks up her parasol and walks about indignantly.) But say! (Pauses beforeHat.and shakes parasol at her.) If you think you can get Hick Homespun to take any notice of you, go ahead. I’m sure it is nothing to me. But I don’t believe——

(Loud noise outside, andHiramenters in great excitement.)

Hiram.Susan, get the gun—quick! There’s a bigchicken-hawk after the old dominick hen an’ her chickens. Hurry, Susan!

(ExitSusanhurriedly atR.Hel.grabs a feather duster,Hat.seizes broom whichSusanhas left in a corner of the room, andLuc.waves her parasol.SusanentersR.with gun. ThenHiramgrabs the gun and all rush out excitedly. Report of gun is heard.)

QUICK CURTAIN

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