ACT III

SCENE.—Lawn of the “High Up Farm.” Same as Act II, save that the table is spread for “Tea.”

EnterPercy.Looks about searchingly.

Percy.I am too late, I see. I guess, by the shouting, and the loud talk I heard, something must have happened. They must have chased the tramp. Well, I wonder how Miss Renwick liked the artist she was so anxious to meet? I hope she won’t show up while I am here. If she does it might be a little awkward. But I have it! I’ll let Helen introduce me as Mr. Roamer, if she does come. I have as much right to take the tramp’s name as he had to take mine. That will be all right. I’ll speak to Helen about it right away. (Looks at paint cans and overalls.) I may as well put these things out of sight. Perhaps Trotwell Roamer will come back and get them later. (Picks up paint cans and overalls and starts toC.)

EnterHiramandHickory Homespun,L.

Hiram.Well, Hick, if you make up your mind to take that cow you can have her for forty dollars. She’s dirt cheap at that, an’ I wouldn’t think of selling her if——Hello! (SeesPercystanding nearC.,with paint cans and overalls in his hands.) So you’ve got here, have you?

Percy.Why—er—yes. You are Mr. Rodney, Helen’s father, are you not?

Hiram.That’s right. Have you seen her yet?

(Means the boat that is to be painted.)

Percy.Yes, sir, I have seen her.

Hiram(thinkingPercyis surely the painter sent over by Jim Styles to paint the boat). Well, what do you think of her? Are you going to start in to-day? It seems a little late. But maybe you’ve just brought over your paint, so you can start in the first thing in the morning.

Percy(looking at what he has in his hands, and very much confused). Why, I—er——

Hiram.That’s all right. To-morrer mornin’ will do. Iguess she can wait till that time. But say, young feller, you must go easy when you tip her over, ’cause her stays might break. They’re pretty old, and I don’t want to put no more expense on her than I kin help.

Percy(aside). Heavens! What is the man driving at? He must be crazy! To speak of his own daughter in this way! What does it mean?

(Backs towardR.,still holding cans and overalls.)

Hiram.Where are you goin’? Come on over to the lake, and we’ll look her over together. (Turns toHick.) You come, too, Hick.

Hick.Certain I will, Hiram.

Percy(much confused). I—er—think there must be some mistake.

Hiram.Mistake, eh? Well, I guess not. You was sent for, wasn’t you?

Percy.Yes, but——

Hiram.Maybe you don’t like the looks of her.

Percy.Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Rodney. She is the nicest——

Hick.(laughing heartily). He ain’t much of a judge, is he, Hiram?

Hiram.Well, I don’t know. He looks as though he ought to know a good model from a bad one. But say. (Nods to Percy.) If you feel like it, and think it ain’t too late, you might start in to scrapin’ the paint off her sides right now. You’ll find she’s pretty well roughed up; but you can fix that all right. You’ll have to go a bit careful when you come to the waist. She’s been layin’ on one side so long that I s’pose the sun has done some damage. Most likely she’s blistered a little.

Percy.Blistered!

Hick.Blistered, of course. There ain’t nothing strange about that, is there?

Hiram.Jim Styles told you it was to be white outside and yaller inside, didn’t he?

Percy(stepping back and turning to audience). Ah! Now I know there is a mistake. He does not refer to his daughter at all. (ToHiram.) Pardon me, Mr. Rodney, but to whom or what are you referring?

Hiram(turning toHick.and showing surprise). Well, what do you think of that, Hick?

Hick.Must be a born fool.

Hiram.He don’t know what he was sent over here for, it seems.

Hick.Seems not. (Nods head gravely.) He don’t look like a painter, anyhow, Hiram.

Hiram.But he’s got everything with him to do the job.

Percy.I did not come here to do any work. These things (setting them down nearC.) belong to another party. I just picked them up to set them aside as you came here. I am not a painter, but an artist.

Hick.Well, I swan!

Hiram(showing surprise). So you didn’t come here to paint our boat, then?

Percy(much relieved). I certainly did not, sir.

Hiram.What did you come here for?

Percy.I came at the invitation of your daughter Helen.

Hiram.Jumpin’ bullfrogs! What do you think of that, Hick?

Hick.Sort of a misunderstandin’, it seems. (He laughs.) He thought you was speakin’ of Helen, and you was meanin’ the old boat all the time. (Laughs uproariously.) Oh, dear! What a joke.

Percy.Well, I am very sorry that such a mistake should be made. But I can easily understand now. It is rather unfortunate, but no harm has been done.

Hiram.Not as I knows of, young fellow. So Helen invited you to come over, did she?

Percy.Yes, she did.

Hiram.Well, I reckon I had better call her out, then. (Calls toR.) Helen! Helen!

Hel.(unseen by audience). What is it, father?

Hiram.You’re wanted here right away.

EnterHel.,R.Percyhurries to meet her.

Percy(sotto voce). Introduce me as Mr. Roamer. The Peach might come back and spoil things, you know.

Hel.(sotto voce). All right, Percy, I understand. (Then toHiram.) Well, father?

Hiram.This young man came over to see you, he says.

Hel.Yes, I know. Let me introduce you to him, father. (Turns toPercy.) Mr. Roamer, this is my father. (PercyandHiramshake hands.Hel.toHick.) Mr. Homespun, let me make you acquainted with Mr. Roamer, the painter—(becoming confused) or artist, which? (Looks atPercy.)

Percy(laughingly). Which, I guess. (Shakes withHick.)

Hick.What do you think, Helen? Your father was talkin’ about havin’ his boat scraped an’ painted, an’ this young man thought he was meanin’ you all the time. Funny mistake, wasn’t it? (Laughs heartily.)

Hel.I should say it was a funny mistake, Hick. How did it happen, father?

Hiram.Well, I was expectin’ a painter to come over to paint the boat white outside and yaller inside, an’ when I seen this young man standin’ here with them things (pointing to cans and overalls) in his hands, I thought he was the man. I didn’t know he had come over on an invite from you. But (looking at the table) what’s goin’ on, anyhow? What have you got the table set outside for?

Hel.Oh! we are going to have a little party. Mother thought it would be a good idea to have some company over, so the new boarder wouldn’t be lonesome. (Turns toHick.) The widow is here, too, Hick.

Hick.(looking around in a startled way). Where is she, Helen?

Hel.(laughing). Around somewhere. We are going to have a very nice time, I am sure.

Hick.(edging towardC.). I’m goin’ home.

Hiram(catching him by the arm). No, you don’t, Hick! You ain’t afraid of the widder any more than I am. You are goin’ to stay right here an’ have tea with us. Besides, I want to sell you that cow before you go home.

Hick.Well, I’ll take her, Hiram.

Hel.(laughing). The widow, Hick?

Hick.(excitedly). No! The cow, I mean. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’.

(Tries to go again, but is restrained byHiram.)

Hiram.Now, see here, Hick Homespun. The trouble with you is that you’re a lot too bashful. You know well enough that you ought to have somebody around that nice little home of yours to cook your meals an’ fetch your slippers for you nights when you come in after doin’ a hard day’s work. There’s the Widder Wheatchaff for you, Hick! She’s a fine little woman, an’ I happen to know that she thinks a powerful lot of you, too.

Hick.(becoming interested). How do you know that?

Hiram.Well, I reckon I’ve got eyes an’ ears. (SlapsHick,on the back.) Come! brace up, old feller. You wasn’t born to die an old bachelor.

(PercyandHel.are conversing in whispers and getting along nicely.)

Hick.(meditating for a moment). Well, I’ll take her. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’.

Hiram.Good enough! I’ll tell her just as soon as she comes out.

Hick.(protestingly). No, no! I mean the cow.

Hel.Tell the cow, then, father.

(All laugh butHick.)

EnterBill,C.,mopping face with bandana.

Bill.Whew! If that wasn’t a run! I never had so much fun in my life! Can’t that city gal run, though! Why, she went through the corn-field like a two-year-old heifer on the rampage! That artist wasn’t no match for her at all. But he might have got away if he hadn’t stumbled an’ hit his head agin a pile of fence rails. She’s got him! Lucinda is helpin’ her bring him back. There’s goin’ to be a breach of promise suit. Wow!

(Does a tumbling act, or anything comical or ridiculous, laughing uproariously.)

Hiram(surprised and angered). What in thunderation is the matter with the boy?

Hick.Acts as though he’s been took with a fit.

Hel.(takingHiramby the sleeve). I think I know what is the matter, father. It seems that our boarder made an appointment with some man she had never seen in her life, though she had corresponded with him, of course. He proposed to her, and when he found she was willing to consider it he changed his mind and tried to get away. She gave pursuit, and Bill and Lucinda, who happened to be here, helped her catch him. Miss Renwick is anxious to marry some one, and after corresponding with the man she set her cap for him before she had even seen him. Mother and I came out on the porch in time to hear the last of it. Don’t interfere, father. Let them bring the man here. I am sure you will laugh when you understand what a joke it is.

Hiram(looking atHick.). Well, I swan!

Hick.So do I, Hiram.

Bill(getting upon his feet). Me, too!

Percy(whispering inHiram’sear). You understand, Mr. Rodney.

Hiram.Well, I’ll be gum-swizzled! If that don’t beat all.

Hick.(looking towardC.). Here they come now. (Edges away.) I guess I’ll be goin’. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’, Hiram.

Hiram(catching him). No, you won’t, Hick. You kin take her home to-night.

Hick.You’ll have to lend me a rope, then.

Hiram(laughing). Oh, you won’t need no rope—not for the widder.

Bill.Might need one to hang himself with after he gits her.

(Laughs boisterously and executes funny business.)

Percy(toHel.). A sort of roping-in game, I think.

Hel.It surely is.

EnterSusan,R.Excited voices outside atC.

Susan.What’s going on here? What does all this excitement mean, anyhow?

Hel.(running toSusan). Mother, the joke is not over with yet. It seems that Miss Renwick took it seriously, and she has caught the tramp. She is fetching him here, and Lucinda is helping her. Bill says it is a case of a breach of promise suit.

Susan.Well, I never! That girl must be a fool.

Hel.She wants a man, mother.

Susan(shaking her head). Well, she must want one pretty bad, then.

Hel.Now remember, mother, Percy is supposed to be Mr. Roamer.

Susan.And the tramp is supposed to be Mr. Heartache?

Hel.Of course. He introduced himself that way, so it will remain so until Miss Renwick gets enough of it.

(HiramandBillare holdingHick.so he cannot escape.Percylooks on smilingly. Loud voices outside,Roam.calling out excitedly: “Stop! Stop! I want to get away from here!”)

Percy(running toC.). What does this mean?

EnterHat.andLuc.,C.,draggingRoam.with them.

Luc.The base deceiver!

Hat.(letting go ofRoam.and wringing her hands excitedly). Oh! Oh!

Hiram.That must be the man Styles sent over to paint the boat.

Roam.(eagerly). I’m the man, boss. Just get me away from these women and I’ll go right to work.

Luc.(letting go her hold uponRoam.,and looking surprised). But he proposed to Miss Renwick, Hiram.

Roam.That was a joke. (Looks atPercy,who shakes finger warningly.) I found a letter she had written to some one, and I made out I was the man. I’m only a common tramp painter. She don’t want me for a husband, unless she feels like earning the livin’.

Hat.(throwing up her hands and staggering about as though she is going to fall). Oh! I shall faint—I know I will. Somebody catch me—quick!

Hick.(starting forward to catch her). Don’t fall, miss.

Luc.(grabbingHick.by the collar and pulling him back). Let her fall, if she wants to. The first thing you know she will be trying to make you propose to her.

Hick.(meekly). All right, Lucinda.

Hat.(making another stagger about). Oh! Oh! I know I shall faint.

(She falls andBillcatches her and carries her to a bench.)

Bill(soothingly). That’s all right, Peach. I’ll marry you when I git big enough. You don’t want no lazy tramp for a husband.

Hat.(rousing up and becoming indignant). The idea! Who said I wanted to marry any one? Why, I wouldn’t marry the best man living!

Luc.(toHick.,whom she is still holding). Good reason, maybe. She couldn’t get you, Hick, and I think you are the best man living.

Hick.(grinning). Do you mean that, Lucinda?

Luc.I always say what I mean, Hick Homespun.

Hick.Let’s go look at that cow. [ExeuntHick.andLuc.,L.

Bill(roaring with laughter). She’s got him. Hick is a goner!

Hat.(toSusan). Mrs. Rodney, I think I will go to my room.

Susan(persuasively). Don’t do that, Miss Renwick. If there has been a joke played, take it good-naturedly.

Hat.How can I? (Looks around despairingly.)

Hel.Let me introduce you to Mr. Roamer, Miss Renwick.

Hat.(bowing stiffly). Pleased to meet him.

Bill(coming toSusan). Is supper ready yet, Missus Rodney?

Susan.Not yet, Bill.

Bill.S’pose we have a little dance, then? (Produces harmonica and clappers.) Take your partners for a quadrille, and look out for paint!

(Strikes up a lively air—or if he cannot play, the orchestra does it for him.)

EnterHick.andLuc.,L.Both are smiling and look happy.

Hiram(seizingSusan). Come on, old gal! We’ll have a little square set right here on the lawn.

(They take heads for the set.PercyandHel.take positions opposite them, and thenLuc.pullsHick.over and they take one of the sides.)

Roam.(asPercypoints toHat.). I suppose we may as well make up the set, Miss Renwick.

(Hat.permits herself to be led by him to the opposite side. ThenBilllets himself go and the dance begins.)

Bill.Salute your partners.

(Billcalls more figures and thenRoam.breaks away suddenly and runs offC.Luc.holds tightly toHick.Billbacks against table and overturns it. Crash!)

CURTAIN

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