Itgreatly depends upon the views held by parents as to the freedom of action accorded to a daughter during her engagement. Some entertain the strictest ideas on this head, and strenuously put them in force.
By "strict ideas" is meant that an engaged couple, except in the presence of a chaperon, are never, under any circumstances, permitted to enjoy atête-à-tête, sit together, walk together, ride together, or meet during any part of the day.
Wisdom and common-sense dictate a middle course of action for the consideration of parents, neither granting too much nor withholding too much.
The length of an engagementdetermines in most instances the degree of latitude allowed. If it is to last two months, or even less, it is usual to permit the engaged couple to be much in each other's society. The circumstances under which this is accomplished depend upon the position of the parents; if wealthy, and a country house is part of their possessions, the young lady's father should invite the gentleman engaged to his daughter on a visit, or one or two visits, during the engagement.
Or the mother of the bridegroom-elect should invite her future daughter-in-law to stay with her for ten days or a fortnight.
Etiquette prescribes that a young lady must be chaperoned by one of her near relatives at all public places of amusement.
If an engaged couple move in the same set, they meet frequently at the houses of mutual friends; they are sent in to dinner together when dining out.
To dance with each other at a ball, or dance more than three or four times in succession, and when not dancing to sit out in tea-rooms and conservatories, renders an engaged couple conspicuous, and this is precisely what many mothers are most anxious that their daughters should avoid being, and would rather that they were over-prudent than that they should run the gauntlet of general criticism.
The usual course for engaged couplesto take is to go as little into society as possible during their engagement, and to make the engagement as brief as circumstances will permit. If from various causes it must of necessity be a long one, the only alternative for an engaged couple is to render themselves as little conspicuous in general society as a mutual understanding will permit.
When an engagement is first announced, if the families are not previously acquainted, the father, mother, and relatives of the bridegroom-elect should call on the father and mother of the bride-elect at an early date, to make the acquaintance of the bride and her family, and they should write to the bride-elect expressing their approval of the engagement.
The calls should be returned and the letters answered with the least possible delay.
The engagement should be announced to relatives and intimate friends by the mother of the engaged young lady, and if the announcement is to appear in the papers it should be sent by her.
The bride should ask the sisters and cousins of the bridegroom to act as bridesmaids in conjunction with her own sisters and cousins.
When an engagement is broken off, all letters and presents should be returned on both sides.
All wedding presents received by the bride-elect should be likewise returned to the donors.
The mother of the bride should announce to all whom it may concern, the fact that the engagement is at an end.
TheGerman custom of celebrating Silver Weddings has become thoroughly recognised in this country. It is an interesting custom to celebrate the first twenty-five years of married life under the poetic title of a Silver Wedding, but those who can do so must be for many reasons the few, rather than the many; Royal personages, and distinguished and prominent ones for instance, and again, those in humbler walks of life "far from the madding crowd," are also inclined to do so; but the "crowd" that divides them, formed of different classes and different sets in society, will hardly avail itself of the opportunity of celebrating this period of married life. Husbands as a rule dislike the fuss and parade and prominency it entails, and wives are disinclined to announce to their friends and acquaintances that they have been married five and twenty years, and are consequently not so young as they were.
The entertainments given to celebrate a Silver Weddingare: An afternoon reception and a dinner-party. A dinner-party followed by an evening-party. A dinner-party followed by a dance. Or a dinner-party only, of some twenty or thirty covers.
The invitations are issued on "at home" cards some three weeks beforehand, the cards being printed in silver, and the words "Mr. and Mrs. White at home, To celebrate their Silver Wedding" printed on them, with day and date,etc. The dinner cards should also be printed in silver, with the words "Mr. and Mrs. White request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Black's company at dinner to celebrate their Silver Wedding," etc.
For a dance the invitations should be worded "Mr. and Mrs. White at home, To celebrate their Silver Wedding." "Dancing" printed in the corner of the card.
Each person invitedis expected to send a present in silver, costly or trifling as the case may be, whether the invitation is accepted or not. These presents should be exhibited in the drawing-room on the day of the Silver Wedding with a card attached to each bearing the name of the giver.
At the afternoon reception the husband and wife receive the congratulations of their friends as they arrive. They enter the tea-room together almost immediately afterwards followed by those guests who have arrived. Refreshments are served as at an afternoon wedding tea. (See page143.) A large wedding-cake is placed in the centre of the table, and the wife makes the first cut in it as a bride would do. The health of the husband and wife is then proposed by one of the guests, drunk in champagne, and responded to by the husband.
At the dinner-party the husband and wife go in to dinner together, followed by their guests, who are sent in according to precedency. The health of the husband and wife is proposed at dessert and responded to. A wedding-cake occupies a prominent place on the table, and the dinner-table decorations consist of white flowers interspersed with silver.
At the Silver Wedding dance, the husband and wife dance the first dance together, and subsequently lead the way into the supper-room arm-in-arm, and later on their health is proposed by the principal guest present.
The wife should wear white and silver, or grey and silver.
In the country, when a Silver Wedding is celebrated, the festivities sometimes range over three days, but this only in the case of prominent and wealthy people; balls, dinners, and school-treats being given, in which the neighbours, tenants, villagers and servants take part.
Golden Weddings.—The celebration of a Golden Wedding is rather an English custom, and one that from circumstances can be but seldom observed. It denotes that fifty years of married life have passed over the heads of husband and wife, and is a solemn rather than a festive epoch. Presents on this occasion are not so generally given, and children and grandchildren rather than acquaintances make up the circle of those who offer congratulations.
Subscriptiondances are now an established fact, but whether they will ever really become a rival to the dance proper remains to be seen; yet as they supply a want felt, and are recognised by society, the arrangements necessary for carrying them out should be duly noted.
During the winter months they are a feature in certain sets: Subscription dances, private Subscription dances and public Subscription dances, the latter got up for charitable purposes.
The moderate expenses incurred by giving private Subscription dances commend them to many, and there are other reasons to account for their popularity. They are without pretension to being considered smart or exclusive, and are essentially small and early dances. Fashionable ball-goers are not expected to attend them. They commence at 9 o'clock and terminate at 12, light refreshments in lieu of supper are provided, as at an afternoon "at home." (See p.153.) A piano band is considered sufficient for the purpose, and floral decorations are scarcely ever attempted. The invitations are issued on "at home" cards, with the words "Subscription Dance" printed in one corner.
Subscriptiondances are sometimes invitation dances and sometimes not. Tickets for these dances are chargedfor singly or by the series as the case may be. A certain number of ladies form a committee and agree to give a certain number of dances, and the expenses are either borne by the ladies themselves or covered by the sale of the tickets. If invitation dances, a certain number of invitations are allotted to each lady. When otherwise, the ladies dispose of the tickets among their friends. These dances are usually held in a mansion hired for the purpose, and there are several available in different parts of the West End, where spacious rooms can be hired on very moderate terms; in some instances a piano, seats, and other accessories are also included.
Public Subscriptiondances are held in public rooms or Town Halls, and vouchers are given by ladies on the committee previous to tickets being granted.
The same etiquette holds good at Subscription dances as at other public dances. The early hour at which these dances take place recommends them to some and altogether renders them impossible to others, notably to those who dine late, and who are not inclined to dance at nine o'clock or even at ten o'clock, and who rather resent the frugal style of refreshments offered, and consider that a champagne supper is an indispensable adjunct to a dance.
It should be remembered that Subscription dances were first originated for the amusement of very young people, and it was never expected that they would compete with the fashionable small dances of the day; their popularity was a surprise, and if ball-goers are disposed to hold them in contempt there are others less fashionable and less wealthy who find them very much to their taste.
The great difficulty, however, that ladies have to contend with is the fact that very few men can be induced to attend them, and that those who do accept invitations or purchase tickets are very young men, who have their way to make inthe world, and are as yet on the lower rungs of the ladder, and as young ladies are very much in the majority at these Subscription dances, to dance with partners younger than themselves is an almost inevitable result for those who are no longer in their teens.
Asregards presents in general it should be understood that a present demands a note of thanks in all cases when the thanks cannot be verbally expressed. The notes to slight acquaintances should be written in the third person. To friends, in the first person. This applies equally to presents of game, poultry, fruit, or flowers. Some few people entertain the erroneous idea that presents of this nature do not require thanks. This is not only ungracious but raises a doubt in the mind of the giver as to whether the present sent has been duly received.
Wedding Presents.—When an engagement has been duly announced to relatives and friends, and it is understood that it is to be a short one, wedding presents may be sent until the day before the wedding-day, and the earlier they are sent the more convenient it is for the bride, as she is expected to write a note of thanks to each giver. In each case a letter should be sent with the present expressing the congratulations and best wishes of the donor, and, if possible, a card with the name of the giver should be attached to it for identification when the presents are exhibited.
The friends of the bridegroom, and unacquainted with the bride, should send their presents to him, and he should send them to the house of the bride's mother after having written notes of thanks to the givers.
Christening Presents.—With regard to christening presents the godfathers and godmothers are expected to make presents to their godchild; these should be sent the day before the christening, and should consist of a silver mug and silver fork and spoon from the godfathers, while a lace robe or handsome cloak are usual presents from the godmothers. A present of money from 5s.to £1 should be made to the nurse on the day of the christening when the godparents are relatives, but oftener than not the sponsors are represented by proxy.
Giving Tips to Servants.—The tips expected from ladies at the conclusion of a visit of some days, are: To the head housemaid from 2s.6d.to 5s.according to the length of the visit. The same to the butler or single-handed man-servant, and the same to the chauffeur. Young ladies give less when visiting by themselves.
The tips expected from gentlemen are: To the butler or footman who valets them, to the chauffeur if he drives them to and from the station, to the groom if he takes charge of their hunters, also to the head housemaid. The tip to the butler or footman who acts as valet is for a long visit from 5s.to 10s., and for a short visit from 3s.to 5s.To the chauffeur 5s.in the first case, and from 2s.6d.to 5s.in the second. To the housemaid, 2s.6d.to 5s.For tips to gamekeeper, see p.223.
The tips given to hotel servants vary according to the length of the visit. To the head waiter from 5s.to 10s.To the second waiter from 2s.6d.to 5s.To the hall porter, 2s.to 3s.To the luggage porter, 1s.to 2s.To the head housemaid in attendance, 2s.6d.to 4s.
Christening Partiesmay be said to be strictly family gatherings, only the near relatives of the parents being invited on these occasions.
The Invitationsare given in friendly notes, and are not issued on "at home" cards. The notice averages from a week to ten days according to circumstances, meaning the health and strength of the infant's mother.
As a Rule Six Weeksare allowed to elapse between the birth of the child and the date of the christening.
The Relatives are either invitedto luncheon after the ceremony, or to a reception tea, or to a dinner-party to be given the same evening. If a luncheon is decided upon it generally takes place at 1.30, or earlier, immediately on the return from the church. The meal usually consists of hot viands—game or poultry—not substantial joints. Hot and cold sweets. Fruit to follow. A smart christening cake should occupy the centre of the table. Champagne, claret, and sherry are given, although the former is probably the only one of the three drunk on the occasion; this, when the health of the infant is proposed—the only health which finds acceptance at these gatherings.
The Guests go in to Luncheonquite informally, the ladies and hostess entering first, followed by the menguests and the host. They should be seated at table by the help of name cards, each lady being placed at the right hand of a gentleman. The clergyman who performs the ceremony, if a friend, should sit at the hostess's left hand, and should be asked to say grace; but in town he seldom joins these family gatherings unless well acquainted with his parishioners.
A Reception Tea, when given, is served in the dining-room; but in this case the guests are received on arrival by the hostess in the drawing-room, and when all have arrived, she accompanies them to the tea-room and remains there with them. The maid-servants should pour out and hand the tea and coffee across the tea-table, but the hostess should hand the cakes, etc., to her relatives, assisted by the host, if present. The refreshments consist of the usual variety in confectionery seen at all smart "at homes," a christening cake being the addition.
Christening Dinner-Partiesclosely resemble all other family functions of this nature, with the exception that the infant's health is drunk at dessert, and that a christening cake is placed opposite the hostess when the table is cleared for dessert.
The Christening Ceremonytakes place in the afternoon, usually at 2.30. The relatives on arrival at the church seat themselves in pews or on chairs near to the font. The godmother holds the infant during the first part of the service, and then places it on the left arm of the officiating clergyman. One of the godfathers should name the child in response to the clergyman's question. If the child is a girl, two godmothers and one godfather are necessary. If a boy, two godfathers and one godmother are required. These godparents are usually the intimate friends of the child's mother. In certain instances therelatives are chosen for the office of godfather and godmother, but oftener not for family reasons.
Christening Presentsvary according to means and inclination, and often comprise gifts of jewellery when the infant is a girl, and money and silver plate if a boy; silver spoons, forks, mugs, bowls, etc. The selection is a wide one, and nothing comes amiss, from a robe with fine lace to a chain and pendant or a jewelled watch. These presents are usually sent the day previous to that of the christening.
Fees and Tips.—Only minor fees are given to those assisting at the ceremony. The officiating priest receives some little gift in old silver or china, but not of money; if, however, the parents of the child are wealthy a cheque is sometimes given with a request that he will devote it to the needs of his parish.
Tips to the nurse from the child's godparents vary from five shillings to a sovereign according to individual means.