DANCES
In New York the word “ball” is intended to signify a hundred or so people who do not care particularly for dancing, who are prostrated by the prospect of arising early on the following morning, and who leave their cotillion favors untouched and disregarded upon the gilt chairs in the ballroom.
The chief characteristics of a ball may be summed up, briefly, as follows: Mothers, or “benchwomen,” wildly eying their offspring; the “leader,” battered and bruised like a half-back in a football game; the hostess, with her tiara aslant on her new false curls; fifty wilted linen collars; fifty ditto shirts; four red-faced gentlemen asleep in the smoking room; the host leaping from train to train with the agility of a brakeman; two hundredyards of chiffon ruffles and one pound of assorted hairpins decorating the floor of the ballroom; a deep crowd of so-called dancing men who effectually block the entrance door and stand in a dazed and awkward group, spellbound by the horrors of the scene.
The valuable checks for cotillion seats are usually cornered by the cotillion leader and dealt out to the most prominent tiaras. The unhappy ladies who fail to receive one of these priceless tokens usually pass the remainder of the evening in the ultimate row of chairs wearing a granite smile and a paper cotillion favor.
A wall flower is a young lady at a dance who has not been cursed with the fatal gift.She may usually be distinguished by her wild and beseeching glances. Chloroform is the only possible way of securing a partner for her.
Before putting your arm around a lady’s waist, you should explain to her that it is your intention to dance. As the music starts, look at her longingly and murmur one of the following remarks: “Do you Boston?” “Rotten floor” (or) “Bully floor.” “Bully favors” (or) “Rotten favors.”
Every now and then a “stand-up” supper is served at a dance. This is the abomination of desolation spoken of by the prophet Daniel. Should a lady ask you at such an entertainment to get her some supper, push yourway through the mob of angry bachelors to the trough where the comestibles are displayed. Once arrived on the scene of carnage, you can consume a cup of bouillon, a few oysters, some sandwiches, a little chicken, some dry champagne, a plate of salad, an ice, and a cup of coffee. After this, if your hunger has been satisfied, take a morsel ofgalantine, a doily, and a lady-finger, place them on a plate and force yourself through the compact lines of angry, feeding, perspiring “dancing men,” until you appear before your fair partner, declaring that you did your best, and that the rest of the provisions had disappeared. While she is thanking you, slip away to the smoking room and send the man in attendance there for a bottle of some very, very old champagne. While he is gone you may busy yourself by selecting a few of the best cigars, so as to be sure to have something to smoke on the way home—in somebody’s cab.
In giving a dance, avoid,if possible, sending invitations to bores—they come without them.
At a dance, when a lady is talking to a millionaire recently arrived from the West, he may offer to introduce his wife. (This is part of what, in sporting circles, is known as the “push stroke.”) In such a fix it is permissible for her to burst into a loud fit of coughing, mention her weak heart, and ask a footman to call her carriage.
When a bachelor arrives at a dance, he should at once repair to the smoking room and remain there most of the evening—calling loudly for all those wines which his host has neglected to provide.
A new and unspeakable horror has lately been introduced into fashionable dances in New York—namely, the “third supper.” The writer is glad to say that the inventor of this atrocity died very slowly and in great pain about a year ago. It is a comfort to know that his last resting place is unadorned by any monument, and that no flowers or shrubs have ever bloomed upon his grave.
A popular form of entertainment for grown-up persons in New York is a “baby party.” Here the guests are dressed like babies: they dance and have supper, and are permitted to behave like little children. These revels do not differ from other forms of social festivities in the metropolis—except as regards the costumes.
Dancing men should have a care, at a ball, never to be “stuck.” This catastrophe is usually brought about by listening to the wiles of a man who begins with some such remark as “Do you know Miss A——? She is crazy to meet you!” or “For Heaven’s sake, dear boy,dogo and talk to that unfortunate girl in yellow.”
Many an agonized hour may be avoided by turning a deaf ear to all such entreaties. If you don’t, the horror of your ultimate predicament can hardly be exaggerated. You will sit with her for hours in isolated agony. Slowly your hair will turn as white as the driven snow. Interminable cycles of time will tick themselves away, while you sit there slyly beckoning to other gentlemen who are certain to pay no heed to your signals.
A case is on record, in England, where a gentleman, in such a position, addressed no remark to his partner for upward of threehours. At this point she became aweary, turned, and found that he was—dead!
A very neat trick can sometimes be worked at a dance. You have steadily avoided a particularly dreadful damsel throughout the entire evening. When she has put on her cloak and fur overshoes, and you see her hurrying through the hall with her maid, on her way to her carriage, jump out of the smoking room and say:
“What? Home so early! Can’t you stay and havejustone with me?”
Be careful, of course, not to be too urgent, else she may stay, thus hoisting you on your own petard.
In dancing, unless you are an accomplished waltzer, the safest advice to follow is: “Avoid the corners and keep kicking.”
Hostess
At a large ball, the hostess, when tired, may, with perfect safety, go to her sleeping apartment and retire for an hour or two. No one will ever miss her. When rested she can reappear in the ballroom and, with her second wind, as it were, enjoy the third supper, or the first breakfast.
In saying good night to the hostess, have a care to bestow your avowals of obligation in nearly the same degree of warmth or formality that her bearing invites. If, for instance, she be asleep in the conservatory, all among the begonias, it is not necessary to shake her or rouse her by shouting: “Hi! Wake up, I want to go home,” etc. Simply pass out noiselessly and remind her butler to call her in time for breakfast. (See the illustration, “Hostess.”)