DINNERS
A dinner is a miscellaneous collection of appropriately dressed men and women, who are not in the least hungry and who are invited by the host and hostess to repay certain social obligations for value received or expected. The attitude of the guests at such a repast is very often one of regret and revolt, because of the haunting memory of an invitation, much more enticing in its prospects, but, alas, more recently received.
On arriving at a dinner a servant should hand each male guest an envelope containing a card. This card will bear the name of thelady whom he is to take in to dinner. This part of the ceremony is usually accompanied by groans and maledictions as the gentlemen tremblingly open their envelopes.
Some hostesses allow their guests to file in to dinner in ignorance of their partners. They thus learn their fate at the dinner table, which postpones the terrible shock for as long a period as possible.
Nothing adds so much to an appearance ofsavoir faireas the art of gracefully removing from a dinner or evening party a gentleman who has imbibed, not wisely but too well. The correct method is to ask the butler to inform him that a lady wishes to speak to him on the telephone. When he has left the room, spring upon him in the hall and chivy him into a cab.
Rouge sticks and powder puffs may be used by ladies at luncheons, butneverat dinners.
If a bachelor receives a dinner invitation from people who are not really “in the swim” (people, let us say, like old friends, classmates, and business associates, who are, so to speak, “on the green, but not dead to the hole”), he should simply toss it into the fire. This plan will prevent any more invitations from so undesirable a quarter. Were he to answer these people politely, they would certainly annoy him again at a later date. Remember that “the coward does it with a kiss, the brave man with a sword.”
Do not address your best thoughts to the ladies until they have had an opportunity tobrush the glove powder from their arms and to look carefully at the dresses and ornaments of the other ladies at the dinner.
At a very large dinner, the lady beside you is almost certain to be one who entertains generously and, as such, should be treated with a certain degree of politeness. Try to suppress, however, all sentiments purely human in their nature, such as pity, kindness of heart, sympathy, enthusiasm, love of books, music, and art.
These ridiculous sentiments are in exceedingly bad taste and should be used but sparingly, if at all.
Ladies do not call upon a bachelor, in his rooms, after attending a dinner given by him—except in Mrs. Wharton’s novels.
On leaving a dinner you should always manage to come down the steps with a group of the super-rich—they may give you a lift home.
On driving home with friends from a dinner, it is the generally accepted practice to abuse the host and draw particular attention to his ghastly collection of family portraits, his wretched plate, and execrable food. Do not fail also to draw a moving picture of the stupidity and hideousness of the lady next to you at dinner—unless she should be in the carriage with you at the time.
When you are over half an hour late at a dinner it is well to have an excuse. There are, just now, only two modish excuses:First, you were arrested for speeding your motor; second, you were playing bridge, and every hand seemed to be a spade or a club.
When a gentleman at a dinner upsets a plate of terrapin, a ruddy duck, or a bowl of vegetable salad upon the dress of the lady beside him, she should laugh merrily and should always be provided with some apt jest with which to carry off the littlecontretemps.
Fletcherites have lately added a new horror to dining out. These strange creatures seldom repay attention. The best that can be expected from them is the tense and awful silence which always accompanies their excruciating tortures of mastication.
There are tworecherchémethods for a bachelor to refuse a verbal dinner invitation. The first is to say that you are dining with a business associate. The second is to say that your engagement book is at home and that you will consult it immediately upon reaching there and will telephone. This gives you the desired opportunity of saying “No.” It is always easier over the wire than face to face.
In wriggling out of a dinner at the last moment in New York, it ischicto invent some mythical female relative in Philadelphia who has developed a sudden and alarming illness and has hastily summoned you to her bedside.
If, at a dinner, food is passed to you which you do not care to eat, it is good form totake a generous heap of it, to pat it and mess it up on your plate with a fork.
After dinner, if a lady has been asked to sing and refused, do not urge her further. It is the height of bad manners, and there is just the off chance that she may yield.
In England the matter of precedence at dinners is simplicity itself. The Sovereign precedes an ambassador, who precedes the Archbishop of Canterbury, who precedes the Earl Marshal, who precedes a duke, who precedes an earl, a marquis, a viscount, a bishop, a baron, etc.; but in America the matter is a much more perplexing one.
The author of thisbrochurerespectfully suggests the following scheme of Americandinner precedence: Let an opera box count 6 points; steam yacht, 5; town house, 5; country house, 4; motors, 3 each; every million dollars, 2; tiara, 1; good wine cellar, 1; ballroom in town house, 1; a known grandparent of either sex, ½; culture, ⅛. By this system, a woman of culture with four known grandparents and a million dollars will have a total of 4⅛. She will, of course, be forced to follow in the wake of a lady with a town house and a tiara (6); who, in turn, will trail after a woman with a steam yacht and two motors (11). The highest known total is about 100; the lowest, about ⅛. The housekeeper may arrange the totals, and the hostess can then send the guests in according to their listed quotations.
People who arrive late at a large dinner sometimes have very quaint and amusing excuses.A hostess at a recent eight-o’clock banquet collected the following gems:
I overslept in my bath.
A cinder lodged in my eye and I have just come from the chemist’s.
My maid is ill and I was forced to hook myself.
The twins put crumbs in my stockings.
I read your invitation upside down and, naturally, mistook the hour of dinner.
I never eat soup, and thought, of course, you wouldn’t wait.
I knew Mrs. V—t would bemuchlater than I—so I took a chance.
I was taking my memory lesson, and it was all so absorbing that I completely forgot the dinner.
I lost your note, and, aseverybodydines at 8.30, I thought, of course, thatyouwould.
My chauffeur was so drunk that he took me next door by mistake, and delayed me fearfully.
Every year it is becoming more and more difficult for hostesses to secure a sufficient number of blades for their dinners and evening routs. “Odd men” are always in tremendous demand.
The custom of shouting names, which is imperfectly followed at the hotels, should be perfected in our clubs, and we hope soon to see the club waiters wandering about the halls and lounging rooms shouting out, as they go: “Mrs. Vanderlip, four odd men for dinner.” “Mrs. Miles, two bachelors for the opera.” “Mrs. Nestor, one married couple for bridge,” etc.
When a lady beside you is so generously avoirdupoised or embonpointed that it is a physical impossibility for her to see the food upon her plate, it is sometimes an act of kindness to inform her as to the nature of thebird or beast so hopelessly removed from her vision. This saves her the trouble of lifting it above the horizon in order to discover its exact species.
A clever hostess in New York has recently trained a highly intelligent dachshund to fly about after dinner, under the banquet table, and fetch out the long white gloves, make-up boxes, scarves, and lace handkerchiefs. Most hostesses, however, prefer to put their guests on the scent and let them retrieve the hidden treasures.
A frantic hostess recently telephoned us for advice on a nice point of social etiquette. She had arranged a dinner of twelve, and was confronted and confounded, at the last moment, by an “odd” bachelor whomshe had originally invited and subsequently forgotten. She could not sit down thirteen at the table.
“What shall I do?” she asked.
We were glad to be able to come to the distressed lady’s assistance and telephoned her as follows:
“You should hand him a neatly folded dollar bill and ask him to slip out quietly and buy himself a good dinner at a corner restaurant. Your butler may also give him a cigar as he passes into the night.”
If you are giving a supper after the play, it isde rigueurto order grape fruit, hot bouillon, champagne, birds, a salad, and a sweet. The sated guests will not touch any of the food, but it iscomme il fautto put it all before them.
Banting has almost done away with the ancient custom of eating, but thyroid tablets and lemon juice are, of course, permitted. At a ladies’ lunch the guests (whether ladies, millionairesses, or workingwomen) should be careful disdainfully to dismiss the dainty dishes until the repast is over, when they should look benignly at the hostess and murmur:
“Dear Mrs. Brown—mightI have a cup of very hot water?”
When a lady must pay back forty dinner obligations and her dining room will seat only twenty, it is obvious that she must have two dinners of twenty each. She should give the feasts on successive evenings, as the left-over flowers, bonbons, fruits, andpâtéswill always do service at the second repast.
A lady should be careful not to turn to the gentleman beside her and complain of the “fizz.” There is always a good chance that he is the wine agent.
When, in New York, a married couple do not pull along together, and have definitely decided to divorce or separate, it is customary for them once or twice to dine,tête-à-tête, at Sherry’s: to flirt, laugh, and make merry with each other—in order to put the eager hounds off the scent.
At dinners in thebeau mondethe footmen will invariably pounce upon your plate and run off with it before you have half finished the course. Be careful not to hold on to it like a despairing mother whose child isbeing torn from her arms, as such scenes at table are always deplorable and harassing.
In purchasing almond bonbons for the dinner table the hostess should make sure to select the mauve species. No one ever eats them. A dishful of the white variety will sometimes vanish in a night, but the mauve go on forever.