GENERAL RULES
Wedding receptions are usually held in small private houses holding anywhere from one hundred to two hundred guests. It is customary to invite sixteen hundred people, six hundred of whom arrive and three hundred of whom usually remain wedged for hours upon the stairs in a bewildering sea of picture hats, lobster salad, smilax, rice, and lady fingers.
After a funeral it is customary for the family to supply a few extra carriages in which the pallbearers and mourners go to the burial ground. After this ceremony the bachelor, who has availed himself of one ofthe vehicles, may, with propriety, ask the driver to take him to his rooms; but it is a gross breach of good form to keep the carriage on (at the family’s expense) for calling, going to the play, or driving to Belmont Park for the races.
In thanking friends for wedding presents, it is well to remember that nearly all of them will have to be exchanged. Lay your plans accordingly. Do not thank anybody until you have bunched the duplicates.
Let us assume, for instance, that the seventeen traveling clocks, forty-eight candlesticks, eleven porcelain parasol handles, fifty-one cut-glass salad bowls, thirteen fans, and eighty-four silver teapots have all been gathered together in convenient groups. At this point the bride-to-be may dictate an appropriate “teapot” letter to her secretary. Thisnote will do forallthe teapots. The following is a graceful example of such an epistle:
My Dear—— ——:The teapot istooravishing. What anangelyou are! I simplyadoreit. Oddly enough, it was theverything I had longed andprayedfor.Yours ever,Blanche.P. S.—Where did you say you bought it?
My Dear—— ——:
The teapot istooravishing. What anangelyou are! I simplyadoreit. Oddly enough, it was theverything I had longed andprayedfor.
Yours ever,
Blanche.
P. S.—Where did you say you bought it?
When a lady calls you up on the telephone, and seems disposed to run on forever, simply hang up the receiver and go on with your cigar. If she calls up again to complete the conversation, tell your servant to say that you were disgusted with the way the central girl cut you off and have gone to the telephone company to lodge a complaint.
Be careful to remember that the lady always bows first. On some occasions it is difficult to determine whether the fast-approaching queen of fashion is going to bow or not. Should you be walking down the avenue with another man, proceed as follows: Look at her and exclaim gladly: “Why, how do you do—” Should she freeze, or cut you, you have but to turn to your friend and complete your remark by adding—“that little trick you showed me yesterday?”
Thus, it may appear to him that your remark was meant to be a continuous one, having to do with some feat of legerdemain, and he will fail to notice the snub which has been so cruelly inflicted upon you.
Proposals by women, while permissible, are not customary, and, although theyare yearly becoming more and more popular, are still regarded as an innovation. If the proposal is rejected, good taste and kindly consideration demand that the gentleman should keep it more or less of a secret.
It is, of course, not always easy for a gentleman to know when he has been definitely proposed to. Women’s ways are sometimes devious and obscure. Roughly speaking, it is a proposal, or its equivalent, when a lady throws her head upon his breast and bursts into a passionate flood of tears.
The duties of a valet in a country house are as follows:
(1) Talking and snickering to the housemaids in the hallways.
(2) Purloining little keepsakes from the portmanteaus of the visitors.
(3) Bouncing into the bachelors’ rooms one hour before they wish to be wakened, in order to build fires, close bureau drawers, misinform them about the weather, and take away dress coats and trousers.
(4) Laying out clothes in the morning. In doing this they usually exhibit a highly trained color sense, selecting as the smartest combination of apparel a blue shirt, brown socks, lilac handkerchief, green tie, and a yellow waistcoat.
(5) Standing in a conspicuous position in the main hallway on Monday morning, which is always the period of largess and plenty.
(6) Wrapping up muddy boots in black evening trousers.
(7) Perhaps, however, their most blissful moment is when, knowing that you have one more evening before you, they take your only remaining white shirt, fold it into a sausage-shaped roll, and hurl it into the soiled-linen basket.
A movement is on foot in polite society to revise the barbarous wedding anniversaries as at present regulated, as modern marriages seldom last long enough to celebrate them. It is proposed, therefore, to call the first anniversary the tin, the second the silver, the third the gold, as marriages in society are only contracted, on one side or the other, for the attainment of these several commodities.
When ladies are introduced to one another, they should remain rigid and calm and evince no interest in the proceeding. Their necks should be stiff and their heads thrown back—like cobras about to strike.
At a wedding it is not customary for the best man to kiss the bride. Should the occasionseem, however, to call for such an act, he should be careful only to deliver a “Sweeper.” A “Dweller” may alone be administered by the groom.
A bachelor should supply the telephone girl at his office with a list of ladies to whom he is always “out.” On a select list he will write the names of five or six ladies who entertain delightfully and to whom he is always “in.”
In introducing two people show no sign of emotion whatever. Merely look from one to the other in a vague, listless sort of way, and murmur their names very swiftly and very faintly. It is, of course, bad form to introduce at all, but, if put to it, proceed as above.
At Christmas time a married man should make certain to tip the telephone boy at his club. If the lad is clever enough to recognize the voice of the member’s wife, at the other end of the telephone, he should receive ten dollars. If he recognizesotherfemale voices as well, he should receive twenty.
A chivalrous husband should always try, by kindly acts and little courtesies, to ingratiate himself in his wife’s affections. It is, for instance, selfish of him to return from his office to his home before dressing time.
He should remember that the hours between 4.15 and 7.15 areherhours. In this brief space she will probably wish to pour tea, entertain male visitors, play bridge, buy jewelry, take a nap, or have her hair “marcelled,” and the husband should always considerher feelings during this trying part of the day. He may solace himself by remembering that the sitting rooms of other ladies are always open to him during these hours. If not, he can always go to the steam room at a Turkish bath, or drop in at the “Plaza” and hear thenouveaux richesdrink tea.
In motoring, avoid running over hens, dogs, and Italian children. They are almost certain to stick up the wheels.
Church-going is no longer considered fashionable. If a lady finds that shemustattend church, it is a wise precaution to take a little child with her. This will not only make a good impression but will give heran excellent excuse for leaving before the sermon.
When you are northbound and a lady bows to you from a southbound brougham, do not trouble to lift your hat. Merely raise your arm halfway to your head, as the vehicle will have passed in a moment and your failure to bow is certain to remain unnoticed.
Always be half an hour late for everything. Nothing is so tedious as waiting.
THE END