ACT III.—SCENE I.A meanly furnished room; a door in the flatR.H.; in the second entranceL.H. a door bolted; the window shutters of the room are put up. Table and chairs, two candles burning. A knock heard atL.H.D.; after a pause,CODDLEpeeps out of the door in flat.Cod.Who can that be? I told the woman of the house on no account to admit a soul, or to tell any one who had taken her rooms; but if she should be obliged to confess, to give out that a half-crazy gentleman occupies them, who will not allow a creature to approach him but herself. I think I am safe here, nobody knows me; I’ve changed my name, I have paid a month’s rent in advance, have closed and fastened the shutters and door, and intend to live in future by candle-light; so here I am alone—(Sitting in a chair.)—with two wives claiming me, yet alone, that’s something. What a night I have passed! One minute trembling with apprehension, the next with cold; the loose windows rattling all night like the chains of a sleepless felon—nothing but draughts all over the room, and a corner house too, its edges worn away by the wind constantly whistling round it—ugh!—(Shuddering—A knocking heardL.H.D.)—It must have been the landlady that knocked; she thought I was asleep, no doubt, so wouldn’t disturb me; how cold I am, there is a terrible wind somewhere. This is the most miserable place I ever was in, in my life; where can that rush of air come from? I must findout, here’s my tow—(going to table.)—with this and a skewer, I can stop every crevice.—(He goes round the room with a lighted candle; he holds it before a crevice in the flat; the flame of the candle waves.)—Ah, here’s the place—a thorough draught, enough to kill me.—(The candle goes out.)—It has blown the candle out; what a horrid place!—(He hammers some tow into the crevice; while thus employed, a knocking is again heard at theL.H.D.CODDLEstarts, the hammer falls from his hand.)—Who’s there? ’tis the foot-step of a man, it is not the landlady;—(he creeps to theL.H.D. and listens)—officers of justice, perhaps, who have dogged me here,—hush!—(Listens again—A loud knock makes him start away from the door.)—Shall I answer? I will—I must—this suspense will drive me mad—who—who’s there?Lynx.(Without.)—My dear fellow, open the door.Cod.Oh, it’s my excellent friend Lynx.—(he runs to the door and unbolts it.)—Come in, come in; quick, quick.—(LYNXenters;CODDLEimmediately closes the door again and bolts it.)—Now what’s the matter? how did you find me out? what brought you here? any of the police after me? any warrant granted? Speak, speak.Lynx.No, no, calm your fears.Cod.Was it you that knocked at the door, a few minutes ago?Lynx.Yes, yes, and I thought you were dead, as I could get no reply; you are as difficult to come at as a grand sultan.Cod.I am a grand sultan, I rejoice in a plurality of wives. Oh, that Turkey, what a blessed country! where bigamy is a virtue, and a man’s consequences is rated not by the number of voices he can command in a parliament, but by the number of wives he can command at home. But tell me, how did you discover my retreat?Lynx.You certainly could not expect to remain here unknown.Cod.Why?Lynx.The house not only belongs to an inspector of the police, but a Bow-street officer occupies the floor above you.Cod.Oh! I am a doomed man.—(Falling into his chair.)Lynx.The woman of the house gave me your whole history, when I called a quarter of an hour ago. I expect two or three of our friends here in a moment. Dismal, I have left at the door.Cod.Which do you think the easiest method of quitting life?Lynx.Quitting life!Cod.Aye, of committing suicide?—hanging, poisoning, suffocation, drowning, or the pistol? For to one of these escapes from my terrors, I am determined to apply.Lynx.Then you have not seen your wife?Cod.Which?Lynx.Your second.Cod.Not since we parted at your house yesterday. I can never face her again. How is Mrs. Lynx?Lynx.She has left me.Cod.Left you!Lynx.I am now in search of her, for this morning I have received intelligence that leaves me at liberty to confess more respecting that girl, than I have hitherto dared to tell.Cod.That girl? my adopted daughter, you mean?Lynx.I do; to this alone is my wife indebted for my seeking her. I would rather have died, than have been the first to advance one step towards a reconciliation, after her deliberate attempt yesterday at publicly exposing me.—(A knock heard again atL.H.D.)Cod.There’s somebody else, who can it be?Lynx.’Tis no doubt, Dismal, our brother in misfortune.Cod.Misfortune!Lynx.He and his wife have also separated; indeed, I hear that of the whole party of married people that sat down to my table yesterday, not one couple are now living together.Cod.They found my example so very pleasant, I suppose, they could not resist following it.—(Knocking again.)Young.(Without.)—Open the door, we wish to see you.—(LYNXunbolts the door;YOUNGHUSBANDandDISMALenter.)Young.(toCODDLE.)—Ah, my friend, we have found you out at last.Dis.Mr. Dove is below, and wants to see you.Cod.He sha’nt come in, I wont have any more visitors. I came here to conceal myself, and here is my whole circle of acquaintance around me already; well, sit down, sit down, as youarehere.—(they all sit)—What poor unhappy wretches we all are!Young.For my own part, I freely confess, that I never was more miserable in all my days, and really begin to think that a wife is an indispensable comfort.Cod.Where you’ve but one. ’Tis a comfort so peculiarly singular, that once pluralized, it is destroyed.Dis.I had no idea that a restless night, by myself, could have made me think so favourably of Mrs. Dismal.Lynx.Ah, my friends—absence, like death, leads us to dwell on the better qualities of those that are away.Cod.And the heart that can then but refer to faults, is one of which we ought to be ashamed. If the second Mrs. Coddle had but consulted my comforts a little more than she did, and not look’d for raptures and passions in one, who had them not in his nature—she would have been a divinity.Young.Mywife’s great fault is her perpetual proneness for contradiction; were she to qualify her opposition, by presuming that I mistake, or by merely thinking that I am wrong, I should be satisfied, but her flat contradictions on every subject are unbearable, and I won’t put up with it; she sometimes makes me quite furious, zounds!Dis.Mywife’s great defect is her want of cheerfulness; and expecting me every moment to be petting her like a Dutchpug. I can’t fondle, and be continually my dearing; my amiable moments are periodical.Cod.We are all wretched creatures; and I’m the most wretched among you;you maybe reconciled some day or other, but for me—I am without hope.—(A knocking at the door,L.H.)—Hush!—who’s there?—(Going to the door.)Dove.(Without.)—It’s me.Cod.Who?Dove.Mr. H. Dove.Cod.You can’t come in.Dove.I want to speak to Mr. Coddle, on apintof vastprominenceto him.Dis.I forgot to tell you, he was asking for you when I came up; he says that he has something to tell you respecting your first wife.Coddle.What can it be? Shall I let him in?Lynx.Yes, yes!—(CODDLEopens the door;DOVEenters;CODDLEcloses the door again and bolts it.)Dove.Ha! how d’ye do, gentlemen all? We meet, again, under veryconspicuouscircumstances.Coddle.(Placing a chair, and going to his seat.)—Sit down, Sir.Dove.We’re all bachelors again, I hear! I an’t seen Mrs. Dove since yesterday; she worked upon my feelings, andaspiratedme to that degree, that I went and gotcummy fo;and now I am afraid to go home.Coddle.Well, Sir! this information——Dove.Yes, sir,—but first allow me to collect my loose memorandums; my head’s a littlecircumfused.Lynx.Proceed, sir, I beg; consider Mr. Coddle’s anxiety.Dove.Well then—you must know—yesterday—after you had all gone, Mrs. D. exaggerated me to such a pitch, that I flew out of the house—never intending to be united again.Cod.Well?Dove.As I was a rushing through the streets—resolved to do as I liked—and talk as I liked, and to remove everyobeliskthat stood in my way of so doing, who should I run against but a lady in black——Cod.(Starting up.)—Ah!Lynx.Sit still, and hear him out.Dove.Bless me, saysI, why, Ma’am, I know you; pray, an’t we united by ties ofiniquity?she looked at me—I looked at her, and she becamemutilatedto the spot——Cod.Go on, go on.Dove.Aunt, says I——Cod.Aunt!Dove.Aunt, says I—an’t you afraid of beingexercisedand taken before theconjugalauthorities?Cod.For what? tell me for what?All. Hush, hush! Silence.Lynx.Proceed, Mr. Dove.Dove.Henry, says she, I am here on a matter that demands me to be verycircumflex, and I beg you will not make known to any one that you have met me. Aunt, says I—I—owe you a grudge; do you remember how you used to use me, when I cleaned the boots in that family where you was cook?——Cod.Lord! cook! Go on!Dove.But toalleviatea long story, suffice it to say—that I found out she calls herself——Cod.Mrs. Samuel Coddle!Dove.Yes; she went out to the West Indies, in a doctor’s family, on account of some unlawfulwillanies. She went to Antigua——Cod.True.Dove.And changed her name——Cod.Changed her name! To what—to what?Dove.To—I forget—Bel——Cod.Belvidera Montemar?Dove.That’s it.Cod.Then her real name was——Dove.Jane Hobbs.Cod.Huzza, huzza!—an illegal marriage! I’m free—it can be put aside, it can be put aside! Tol de rol lol.—(Dancing.)—You hear, she was obliged to leave the country; she imposed upon me; she left me; she’s here but to annoy me—but I’m free. Lynx, unbolt the door and let me out.—(LYNXunbolts and opens the door.)—Mr. Dove, let me collar you; you shall never leave me till I have seen and satisfied the lawful Mrs. Coddle. You are my witness, and must come to your aunt, and then to my wife; follow us, my dear friends—follow us; seek your wives and be reconciled; I’ll set you the example. Don’t attempt to get away from me;—(toDOVE)—you are my best friend, and I shall never quit my hold of you. I wouldn’t part with you for a million of money. My dear friend, my preserver, my every thing on earth to me—come with me to your aunt, to Belvidera—never mind hat, coat, any thing. My dear, my only Mrs. Coddle, open your arms, and receive your husband and his friend.—(Rushing out,L.H.D., and draggingDOVEwith him by the collar.)Lynx.(Calling after him.)—Coddle, my dear fellow, where are you running? let us follow him, my friends, and assist each other in search of our wives, and do our best, to gain mutual forgiveness.[ExitLYNX.Dis.I wont—I’ve been used very ill—I walked before my house for an hour this morning, and though Mrs. D. was seated at the window, she wouldn’t turn her head to notice me.Young.Wheremywife can be I am at a loss to guess. Not at her aunt’s, I have been there, and they have not seen her. I am getting quite distracted.Dis.So am I.Young.Then give me your arm, if you won’t go home toyourwife, you must and shall help me to regain mine. It is aman’s duty sir, to advance the first step towards a reconciliation.Dis.I have advanced.Young.You have not.Dis.Didn’t I walk by the house?Young.No.Dis.I did, and I won’t go again.Young.You shall. If you don’t know your duty, I’ll teach it you. Come Sir, come.—[ExitYOUNGHUSBANDdragging offDISMAL,L.H.D.SCENE II.A Room at a Boarding House.EnterMRS. LYNX,followed byMRS. CODDLE, MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND, MRS. DISMAL,andMRS. DOVE.Mrs. Cod.The unhappy creature, Mrs. Belvidera Coddle, is lodging here, you tell me.—(ToMRS. DISMAL.)Mrs. Dis.Yes, ’twas at the door of this house that I saw Mr. Lynx talking to her yesterday.Mrs. Cod.As she is not within, I shall look in again. I am resolved to see her, for the more I reflect, the more I am incensed against my husband. Oh! I am a wretched woman.Mrs. Ly.Indeed, I am.Mrs. Dove.So am I.Mrs. Dis.So am I.Mrs. Y.I’m completely miserable—miserable.Mrs. Cod.I went home, but Coddle never came near the house; he has absconded, no doubt; I did not close my eyes all night.Mrs. Dove.I have been in a state of perfect distraction since my unhappy disagreement, with Henry—wherecanhe have gone?Mrs. Y.I would not go to my aunt—I changed my mind, called on Mrs. Dismal and sat up with her, I am determined not to return home till Frederick fetches me; itwasUncle Tolloday that gave me the thimble.Mrs. Dis.If you had not come to me, Mrs. Y., I should have died before morning; as it is, Mr. D’s. cruel indifference has worn me to a shade.Mrs. Cod.Indifference! I am sure the apathy of my husband was never equalled; I have flirted with a dozen young men in one evening, to excite him to a little harmless jealousy, but in vain; and I really think, he would neither have stirred, nor cared, had I eloped with three captains at once. And now to discover that he has another wife! Oh, if I could see him again—I think I should assassinate him! a monster! a—oh!—(Sobbing.)Mrs. Dis.Just like my Dismal; when we go into company, he always gets as far away from me as he can—never notices me—never smiles at me—never looks as if he loved me. I—I—I am a very ill-used woman.—(Sobbing.)Mrs. Y.(Sobbing.)—Don’t weep, Mrs. Dismal; don’t weep; I wont, if—if—I break my heart. Y. sha’n’t say that I ever dropped a tear at his absence—an aggravating creature; though Icouldbe comfortable with him, if he would not contradict me in every thing I say—and do—and—and—oh!—(Crying.)Mrs. Dove.(Sobbing.)—Oh, Henry!—Once reconciled, I will never correct you again; you may select your own words from any dictionary you may think proper.Mrs. Ly.(Sobbing.)—My wretched fate is fixed; I have suffered beyond the bounds of endurance, and can suffer no more.Mrs. Cod.My friends!—ladies!—bless me, we are all in tears! this must not be; what would our husbands say if they knew of our weakness? No, no—we must not break our hearts for such creatures: we must rally and laugh. Ha! ha! ha!laugh, ladies, laugh—and make your arrangements for the future with resolution and spirit. You, Mrs. Lynx, will, I presume, for the present lodge here. I shall now step to my friends and return in half an hour. Mrs. Dove, you are a sensible and well-educated woman; pray accompany me, and give me your advice! we may hear of Mr. Dove while we are gone. Mrs. Y., you, of course, will stay with Mrs. Dismal for the present. Good bye, my dears—good bye! Now pray, don’t fret; be women—be women—don’t weep about a man. What are men?—mere self-elected law-makers. Don’t despair, ladies; the time is fast coming whenweshall have voices in the legislation of the country, and then let them look to their questions. The wrongs done to our sex, for centuries, shall be well revenged in the first session.[Exit withMRS. DOVE,L.H.Mrs. Y.Good bye, Mrs. Lynx; if you wish to see us, we are only next door to you—you know. And pray, if you hear anything of our husbands apprize us immediately, and we will do the same for you.—(TakingMRS. DISMAL’Sarm.)—Now, if Mr. Dismal passes the house again, Iwillcall him in.Mrs. Dis.No, no; you shall not.Mrs. Y.Iwill.Mrs. Dis.I won’t hear of it.Mrs. Y.I’m not used to contradict, but you must. Though I am wretched, if I can assist in restoring happiness to others, Mrs. Frederick Younghusband is not the woman to be idle in such a matter. So come, dear D., smile and look pleasant![Exit withMRS. DISMAL,L.H.D.Mrs. Lynx.(Alone.)—Now what course shall I take?—that my husband is guilty, I have abundant of proof—and that I can never, never live with him again, is equally sure. I have sought a refuge here, in a miserable lodging-house; for where had I to go? Wherecouldan outraged and a homeless wife seek for shelter? with friends—with relations? No, no; I could not endure that bitter humiliation. If I am to bewretched, it shall be unseen and alone; I’ll have no cold and affected sympathy—no pity from my kindred. Pity! there is no such feeling! ’tis disguised triumph, and we know it too; else why does the soul rise up within us and spurn it?—(Looking off,R.H.,F.E.)—Ah,hehere! the writer of the letter I received yesterday? then he has traced me to this house. What shall I do? he must not see me. Hark!—(listens)—he is making enquiries concerning me; how shall I avoid him? To retaliate upon my husband, I affected to encourage that man, and he thus presumes upon it. But now, though I shall never return again to my home, I must avoid all that would make me cease to respect myself—I’ll to my room.[Exit,R.H.F.E.EnterLYNX,L.H.Lynx.I have been rightly informed, my wifeishere. Now that I have no further occasion for secresy, she shall know all; and if Icanawake her to a sense of the mischiefs that will arise from a too watchful jealousy, I will henceforth pursue that line of conduct which must and shall ensure happiness.—(He is goingR.H.)—What! who is that?—(looking off)—he speaks to my wife—she repulses him—he follows her. Villain!—(LYNXrushes off,R.H.)CODDLEheard without,L.H.Cod.Come along, Dove, come along; my wife is here. Come, my best friend—my preserver.EnterCODDLE,draggingDOVE; DOVE’Scoat is torn, and striving in vain to release himself from the grasp ofCODDLE.Cod.Huzza! Huzza! you’ve told the truth, Dove—you’ve told the truth—Belvidera has retreated and left me master of the field. Be grateful, you villain, be grateful. She would have torn your eyes out, murdered you, had it not been for me.Dove.But Mr. Coddle, my coat is separating; let me go.Cod.No, no, I must now introduce you to my wife. Where is she? Mrs. Coddle!—(calling)—Mrs. Coddle! they told me she was here; where are you, my dear, where are you? She can’t be in the house; then we’ll run all over London, but we’ll find her. Come, Dove, my friend, my preserver, come.Dove.Oh, Mr. Coddle, let me go, let me go.Cod.No, no, I’ll never part with my witness; come, you delightful fellow, come, you shall never leave me till I am restored to happiness.—(CODDLE,during the foregoing exclamations, has draggedDOVEround the stage, and goes off with him again,L.H.)SCENE III.A Gallery in the Boarding House; in the flat are two practicable doors.LYNXheard within.Lynx.(Within.)—Villain! Villain! what do you here?—(a noise as of a struggle; a scream heard)—I am unarmed, or you should not leave this place alive; come, Emmeline, come with me.EnterLYNXdragging out his wife, she is pale and agitated.Mrs. Ly.Ah Lionel—is it, is it you? Oh bless you, bless you.—(taking his hands—he places her in a chair)—I have brought this upon myself.Lynx.But you are safe; and who has saved you?Mrs. Ly.(Falling on his neck.)—My husband!Lynx.Stay you here, Iwillfollow him and have revenge.Mrs. Ly.(Clinging to him.)—Nay, nay, I implore you stay near me—about me—leave me not again.Lynx.But I have now a clue to him, which I will not forsake till his heart’s blood atones for my injuries.Mrs. Ly.Do you know him, that you speak thus?Lynx.I do, indeed.Mrs. Ly.Who—and what is he?Lynx.Who? listen, Emmeline; the deceiver of my sister, and the father of that girl, through whom we separated and thus meet again.Mrs. Ly.The father!Lynx.I dared not confess as much before. I was bound, sworn to secrecy by my sister; but her death now makes me free to tell you all.Mrs. Ly.Forgive me—I—I am satisfied.Lynx.You shall first know that you have good cause to be so; that villain in early life wronged my sister; she afterwards married; had her previous intimacy with this man been known, ruin, in the noble sphere in which she moved, must have awaited her; I kept her secret religiously, and as you know, at the expence of my own peace; I was as a father to the girl; and though she left the asylum in which I placed her, yet ’twas for an honourable and a happy marriage.Mrs. Ly.No more, no more, dear Lionel; I have been a weak, and foolish woman, but never will I doubt you again.Lynx.And never more, dear Emmeline will I give you cause; on the conduct of the husband chiefly rests the virtue of the wife, and I here renounce all my follies for ever. But for that villain——Mrs. Ly.Nay, nay, be satisfied, be at peace; and let mutual confidence henceforth secure to us that happiness to which we have so long been strangers.Lynx.It shall, Emmeline, it shall.—(They embrace.)EnterMR.andMRS. YOUNGHUSBANDandMR.andMRS. DISMAL,arm in arm, and laughing;MRS. DOVEfollowing.Mrs. Y.What! Mr. and Mrs. Lynx, and embracing too: then you have explained and made it up, as we have done. Well, this is delightful! Mr. and Mrs. Dismal are friends; I sawhim watching his house; I rushed out—dragged him in.—Y., who was with him, followed; we pouted a little—coquetted a little—cried a little—and then rushed into one another’s arms; didn’t we, Frederick?Young.No, I——Mrs. Y.Hush! remember, dear; you have promised never to contradict me again.Mrs. Dis.And my George has vowed to be as kind, and as attentive in future, as——Dis.As I can.Mrs. Y.There is poor Mrs. Dove in an agony about her Henry. She left Mrs. Coddle—came to us—was told that her husband was in this house—and he is still no where to be found.Lynx.We heard both him and Mr. Coddle here not long since.(DOVE,without.)Dove.Martha!Mrs. Dove.Ah! I hear his welcome voice.EnterDOVE,his clothes torn to ribbands.Dove.Martha! are you here? Oh, look at me!Mrs. Dove.Henry! look at me, and forgive me.Dove.Forgive you, Martha! yes, that I will, after what I’ve suffered since our abduction. This is all Mr. Coddle’s doings; I was his witness, and he wouldn’t let me leave him, till I had seen aunt Hobbs and Mrs. Coddle, in his presence. We have seen ’em; aunt Hobbs is gone off again; and Mr. and Mrs. Coddle are coming here with all their differencesre-united.Mrs. Dove.Your aunt Hobbs!Dove.Don’t ask questions now, dear; when we are alone I’llliquidateevery thing.Mrs. Dove.Elucidate!Dove.Now, you are going to begin again, love!Mrs. Dove.No, Henry, I forgot myself; I never shall correct you more, dear.EnterCODDLE,capering, dressed in a suit of Nankeen;MRS. CODDLEon his arm.Cod.Here we are! here we are! Belvidera has retreated in confusion; and the conquering hero, with his only lawful wife, stands before you in all the conscious pride of innocence, and a complete suit of Nankeen.All.Nankeen!Cod.Yes; no lining—no, Mrs. Coddle has heard all—and has forgiven all; she is now convinced how I was duped by my first wife; has had proof of her leaving me—of her plundering me—of her coming here merely to make a property of me, of the illegality of the marriage; and here we are united and happy again; and there stands my friend and preserver, of whom I shall ever think with gratitude.—(Pointing toDOVE.)Dove.Then allow me to observe, while you were pillaging your wardrobe, your gratitude might have jogged your memory a little, respecting the condition of your preserver’s clothes; this is quite the result of your own exuberance.Mrs. Dove.My dear Henry——Cod.Hush, Mrs. Dove; allow your husband to select his own words at pleasure—yield a little to each other, ’tis the best and only way to secure domestic peace. I shall yield everything. Look at me; I that three days ago was all flannel and under-waistcoats, now intend to defy air, draughts, open-windows, corner-houses, everything; and I and Mrs. Coddle are going in search of the North Pole. Lynx, my boy, have you cleared up your mystery and satisfied your wife? that’s right, now let us forgive and forget; forget all but those qualities that first induced us to marry. Mrs. Sam, what did you have me for?Mrs. Cod.Because I could discover, through all your eccentricities, a natural goodness of heart.Cod.Then whenever you are inclined to be angry with me, always think of that, and I in return will ever remember theaffection that first led me to seek you. Lynx, what didyoumarry for?Lynx.I freely confess it was for love.Cod.And you, Mrs. Lynx, married him from the same impulse?Mrs. Ly.Yes, Sir.Cod.And you, Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband, married——Young.For the same reason, as our friends Mr. and Mrs. Lynx married.Mrs. Y.For the same reason precisely.Cod.And you, Mr. Dismal?Dis.Because I was tired of living alone.Cod.And Mrs. D. was weary of the same life, no doubt?Mrs. Dis.I confess my weakness.Cod.And you, Mr. and Mrs. Dove, married—because——Mrs. Dove.Being a widow, and accustomed to a sharer in my joys and sorrows——Dove.You took me into partnership, at my master’s dissolution.Cod.Well, then, whenever a disagreement breaks out among you in future, recall the memory of those inducements which first led you to think of each other, and you will find it to be a wonderful help to the restoration of peace. Do you all agree to this?All.Yes, yes.Cod.Then follow my example, and ratify the agreement by a hearty conjugal embrace;Iwill give the word of command. Make ready!—(AsCODDLEputs his arm round his wife’s waist, each of the husbands do the same to their wives.)—Present!—(CODDLEtakes his wife’s chin between his fingers and thumb, and prepares to kiss her, all the husbands do the same.)—Fire!—(They all kiss and embrace at the same moment.)Cod.There, this is the way that all matrimonial quarrels should end—and ifyouare of the same opinion—(to theaudience)—then, indeed, will our conjugal joy be complete, and our light lesson not have been read in vain. You have seen the result of perpetual jealousy, in the case of Mr. and Mrs. Lynx; of continual disputes and contradiction in that of Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband; of a want of cheerfulness and attention in Mr. and Mrs. Dismal; of the impolicy of public correction in the instance of Mrs. Dove; and the necessity of assimilating habits and tempers in the singular case of Mr. and Mrs. Coddle; and though these may not be one half the causes of quarrel between man and wife—yet, even their exposure may serve as beacon lights, to avoid the rocks of altercation when sailing on the sea of matrimony. So think of us, all ye anticipating and smiling single people; for youmust, orought, all to be married, and the sooner the better—and remember us ye already paired; and let our example prove to you that to mutual forbearance, mutual confidence, mutual habits, mutual everything, must we owe mutual happiness. And where can thebestof happiness be found, but in a loyal and affectionate Married Life?Disposition of the Characters at the fall of the Curtain.Mr. L. Mrs. L.—Mr.Y. Mrs.Y—Mr. C. Mrs. C.—Mr. D. Mrs. D.—Mrs. Dove, Mr. Dove.THE END.G. Cowie, Printer, 13, Newcastle Street, Strand.
A meanly furnished room; a door in the flatR.H.; in the second entranceL.H. a door bolted; the window shutters of the room are put up. Table and chairs, two candles burning. A knock heard atL.H.D.; after a pause,CODDLEpeeps out of the door in flat.
Cod.Who can that be? I told the woman of the house on no account to admit a soul, or to tell any one who had taken her rooms; but if she should be obliged to confess, to give out that a half-crazy gentleman occupies them, who will not allow a creature to approach him but herself. I think I am safe here, nobody knows me; I’ve changed my name, I have paid a month’s rent in advance, have closed and fastened the shutters and door, and intend to live in future by candle-light; so here I am alone—(Sitting in a chair.)—with two wives claiming me, yet alone, that’s something. What a night I have passed! One minute trembling with apprehension, the next with cold; the loose windows rattling all night like the chains of a sleepless felon—nothing but draughts all over the room, and a corner house too, its edges worn away by the wind constantly whistling round it—ugh!—(Shuddering—A knocking heardL.H.D.)—It must have been the landlady that knocked; she thought I was asleep, no doubt, so wouldn’t disturb me; how cold I am, there is a terrible wind somewhere. This is the most miserable place I ever was in, in my life; where can that rush of air come from? I must findout, here’s my tow—(going to table.)—with this and a skewer, I can stop every crevice.—(He goes round the room with a lighted candle; he holds it before a crevice in the flat; the flame of the candle waves.)—Ah, here’s the place—a thorough draught, enough to kill me.—(The candle goes out.)—It has blown the candle out; what a horrid place!—(He hammers some tow into the crevice; while thus employed, a knocking is again heard at theL.H.D.CODDLEstarts, the hammer falls from his hand.)—Who’s there? ’tis the foot-step of a man, it is not the landlady;—(he creeps to theL.H.D. and listens)—officers of justice, perhaps, who have dogged me here,—hush!—(Listens again—A loud knock makes him start away from the door.)—Shall I answer? I will—I must—this suspense will drive me mad—who—who’s there?
Lynx.(Without.)—My dear fellow, open the door.
Cod.Oh, it’s my excellent friend Lynx.—(he runs to the door and unbolts it.)—Come in, come in; quick, quick.—(LYNXenters;CODDLEimmediately closes the door again and bolts it.)—Now what’s the matter? how did you find me out? what brought you here? any of the police after me? any warrant granted? Speak, speak.
Lynx.No, no, calm your fears.
Cod.Was it you that knocked at the door, a few minutes ago?
Lynx.Yes, yes, and I thought you were dead, as I could get no reply; you are as difficult to come at as a grand sultan.
Cod.I am a grand sultan, I rejoice in a plurality of wives. Oh, that Turkey, what a blessed country! where bigamy is a virtue, and a man’s consequences is rated not by the number of voices he can command in a parliament, but by the number of wives he can command at home. But tell me, how did you discover my retreat?
Lynx.You certainly could not expect to remain here unknown.
Cod.Why?
Lynx.The house not only belongs to an inspector of the police, but a Bow-street officer occupies the floor above you.
Cod.Oh! I am a doomed man.—(Falling into his chair.)
Lynx.The woman of the house gave me your whole history, when I called a quarter of an hour ago. I expect two or three of our friends here in a moment. Dismal, I have left at the door.
Cod.Which do you think the easiest method of quitting life?
Lynx.Quitting life!
Cod.Aye, of committing suicide?—hanging, poisoning, suffocation, drowning, or the pistol? For to one of these escapes from my terrors, I am determined to apply.
Lynx.Then you have not seen your wife?
Cod.Which?
Lynx.Your second.
Cod.Not since we parted at your house yesterday. I can never face her again. How is Mrs. Lynx?
Lynx.She has left me.
Cod.Left you!
Lynx.I am now in search of her, for this morning I have received intelligence that leaves me at liberty to confess more respecting that girl, than I have hitherto dared to tell.
Cod.That girl? my adopted daughter, you mean?
Lynx.I do; to this alone is my wife indebted for my seeking her. I would rather have died, than have been the first to advance one step towards a reconciliation, after her deliberate attempt yesterday at publicly exposing me.—(A knock heard again atL.H.D.)
Cod.There’s somebody else, who can it be?
Lynx.’Tis no doubt, Dismal, our brother in misfortune.
Cod.Misfortune!
Lynx.He and his wife have also separated; indeed, I hear that of the whole party of married people that sat down to my table yesterday, not one couple are now living together.
Cod.They found my example so very pleasant, I suppose, they could not resist following it.—(Knocking again.)
Young.(Without.)—Open the door, we wish to see you.—(LYNXunbolts the door;YOUNGHUSBANDandDISMALenter.)
Young.(toCODDLE.)—Ah, my friend, we have found you out at last.
Dis.Mr. Dove is below, and wants to see you.
Cod.He sha’nt come in, I wont have any more visitors. I came here to conceal myself, and here is my whole circle of acquaintance around me already; well, sit down, sit down, as youarehere.—(they all sit)—What poor unhappy wretches we all are!
Young.For my own part, I freely confess, that I never was more miserable in all my days, and really begin to think that a wife is an indispensable comfort.
Cod.Where you’ve but one. ’Tis a comfort so peculiarly singular, that once pluralized, it is destroyed.
Dis.I had no idea that a restless night, by myself, could have made me think so favourably of Mrs. Dismal.
Lynx.Ah, my friends—absence, like death, leads us to dwell on the better qualities of those that are away.
Cod.And the heart that can then but refer to faults, is one of which we ought to be ashamed. If the second Mrs. Coddle had but consulted my comforts a little more than she did, and not look’d for raptures and passions in one, who had them not in his nature—she would have been a divinity.
Young.Mywife’s great fault is her perpetual proneness for contradiction; were she to qualify her opposition, by presuming that I mistake, or by merely thinking that I am wrong, I should be satisfied, but her flat contradictions on every subject are unbearable, and I won’t put up with it; she sometimes makes me quite furious, zounds!
Dis.Mywife’s great defect is her want of cheerfulness; and expecting me every moment to be petting her like a Dutchpug. I can’t fondle, and be continually my dearing; my amiable moments are periodical.
Cod.We are all wretched creatures; and I’m the most wretched among you;you maybe reconciled some day or other, but for me—I am without hope.—(A knocking at the door,L.H.)—Hush!—who’s there?—(Going to the door.)
Dove.(Without.)—It’s me.
Cod.Who?
Dove.Mr. H. Dove.
Cod.You can’t come in.
Dove.I want to speak to Mr. Coddle, on apintof vastprominenceto him.
Dis.I forgot to tell you, he was asking for you when I came up; he says that he has something to tell you respecting your first wife.
Coddle.What can it be? Shall I let him in?
Lynx.Yes, yes!—(CODDLEopens the door;DOVEenters;CODDLEcloses the door again and bolts it.)
Dove.Ha! how d’ye do, gentlemen all? We meet, again, under veryconspicuouscircumstances.
Coddle.(Placing a chair, and going to his seat.)—Sit down, Sir.
Dove.We’re all bachelors again, I hear! I an’t seen Mrs. Dove since yesterday; she worked upon my feelings, andaspiratedme to that degree, that I went and gotcummy fo;and now I am afraid to go home.
Coddle.Well, Sir! this information——
Dove.Yes, sir,—but first allow me to collect my loose memorandums; my head’s a littlecircumfused.
Lynx.Proceed, sir, I beg; consider Mr. Coddle’s anxiety.
Dove.Well then—you must know—yesterday—after you had all gone, Mrs. D. exaggerated me to such a pitch, that I flew out of the house—never intending to be united again.
Cod.Well?
Dove.As I was a rushing through the streets—resolved to do as I liked—and talk as I liked, and to remove everyobeliskthat stood in my way of so doing, who should I run against but a lady in black——
Cod.(Starting up.)—Ah!
Lynx.Sit still, and hear him out.
Dove.Bless me, saysI, why, Ma’am, I know you; pray, an’t we united by ties ofiniquity?she looked at me—I looked at her, and she becamemutilatedto the spot——
Cod.Go on, go on.
Dove.Aunt, says I——
Cod.Aunt!
Dove.Aunt, says I—an’t you afraid of beingexercisedand taken before theconjugalauthorities?
Cod.For what? tell me for what?
All. Hush, hush! Silence.
Lynx.Proceed, Mr. Dove.
Dove.Henry, says she, I am here on a matter that demands me to be verycircumflex, and I beg you will not make known to any one that you have met me. Aunt, says I—I—owe you a grudge; do you remember how you used to use me, when I cleaned the boots in that family where you was cook?——
Cod.Lord! cook! Go on!
Dove.But toalleviatea long story, suffice it to say—that I found out she calls herself——
Cod.Mrs. Samuel Coddle!
Dove.Yes; she went out to the West Indies, in a doctor’s family, on account of some unlawfulwillanies. She went to Antigua——
Cod.True.
Dove.And changed her name——
Cod.Changed her name! To what—to what?
Dove.To—I forget—Bel——
Cod.Belvidera Montemar?
Dove.That’s it.
Cod.Then her real name was——
Dove.Jane Hobbs.
Cod.Huzza, huzza!—an illegal marriage! I’m free—it can be put aside, it can be put aside! Tol de rol lol.—(Dancing.)—You hear, she was obliged to leave the country; she imposed upon me; she left me; she’s here but to annoy me—but I’m free. Lynx, unbolt the door and let me out.—(LYNXunbolts and opens the door.)—Mr. Dove, let me collar you; you shall never leave me till I have seen and satisfied the lawful Mrs. Coddle. You are my witness, and must come to your aunt, and then to my wife; follow us, my dear friends—follow us; seek your wives and be reconciled; I’ll set you the example. Don’t attempt to get away from me;—(toDOVE)—you are my best friend, and I shall never quit my hold of you. I wouldn’t part with you for a million of money. My dear friend, my preserver, my every thing on earth to me—come with me to your aunt, to Belvidera—never mind hat, coat, any thing. My dear, my only Mrs. Coddle, open your arms, and receive your husband and his friend.—(Rushing out,L.H.D., and draggingDOVEwith him by the collar.)
Lynx.(Calling after him.)—Coddle, my dear fellow, where are you running? let us follow him, my friends, and assist each other in search of our wives, and do our best, to gain mutual forgiveness.
[ExitLYNX.
Dis.I wont—I’ve been used very ill—I walked before my house for an hour this morning, and though Mrs. D. was seated at the window, she wouldn’t turn her head to notice me.
Young.Wheremywife can be I am at a loss to guess. Not at her aunt’s, I have been there, and they have not seen her. I am getting quite distracted.
Dis.So am I.
Young.Then give me your arm, if you won’t go home toyourwife, you must and shall help me to regain mine. It is aman’s duty sir, to advance the first step towards a reconciliation.
Dis.I have advanced.
Young.You have not.
Dis.Didn’t I walk by the house?
Young.No.
Dis.I did, and I won’t go again.
Young.You shall. If you don’t know your duty, I’ll teach it you. Come Sir, come.—[ExitYOUNGHUSBANDdragging offDISMAL,L.H.D.
A Room at a Boarding House.
EnterMRS. LYNX,followed byMRS. CODDLE, MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND, MRS. DISMAL,andMRS. DOVE.
Mrs. Cod.The unhappy creature, Mrs. Belvidera Coddle, is lodging here, you tell me.—(ToMRS. DISMAL.)
Mrs. Dis.Yes, ’twas at the door of this house that I saw Mr. Lynx talking to her yesterday.
Mrs. Cod.As she is not within, I shall look in again. I am resolved to see her, for the more I reflect, the more I am incensed against my husband. Oh! I am a wretched woman.
Mrs. Ly.Indeed, I am.
Mrs. Dove.So am I.
Mrs. Dis.So am I.
Mrs. Y.I’m completely miserable—miserable.
Mrs. Cod.I went home, but Coddle never came near the house; he has absconded, no doubt; I did not close my eyes all night.
Mrs. Dove.I have been in a state of perfect distraction since my unhappy disagreement, with Henry—wherecanhe have gone?
Mrs. Y.I would not go to my aunt—I changed my mind, called on Mrs. Dismal and sat up with her, I am determined not to return home till Frederick fetches me; itwasUncle Tolloday that gave me the thimble.
Mrs. Dis.If you had not come to me, Mrs. Y., I should have died before morning; as it is, Mr. D’s. cruel indifference has worn me to a shade.
Mrs. Cod.Indifference! I am sure the apathy of my husband was never equalled; I have flirted with a dozen young men in one evening, to excite him to a little harmless jealousy, but in vain; and I really think, he would neither have stirred, nor cared, had I eloped with three captains at once. And now to discover that he has another wife! Oh, if I could see him again—I think I should assassinate him! a monster! a—oh!—(Sobbing.)
Mrs. Dis.Just like my Dismal; when we go into company, he always gets as far away from me as he can—never notices me—never smiles at me—never looks as if he loved me. I—I—I am a very ill-used woman.—(Sobbing.)
Mrs. Y.(Sobbing.)—Don’t weep, Mrs. Dismal; don’t weep; I wont, if—if—I break my heart. Y. sha’n’t say that I ever dropped a tear at his absence—an aggravating creature; though Icouldbe comfortable with him, if he would not contradict me in every thing I say—and do—and—and—oh!—(Crying.)
Mrs. Dove.(Sobbing.)—Oh, Henry!—Once reconciled, I will never correct you again; you may select your own words from any dictionary you may think proper.
Mrs. Ly.(Sobbing.)—My wretched fate is fixed; I have suffered beyond the bounds of endurance, and can suffer no more.
Mrs. Cod.My friends!—ladies!—bless me, we are all in tears! this must not be; what would our husbands say if they knew of our weakness? No, no—we must not break our hearts for such creatures: we must rally and laugh. Ha! ha! ha!laugh, ladies, laugh—and make your arrangements for the future with resolution and spirit. You, Mrs. Lynx, will, I presume, for the present lodge here. I shall now step to my friends and return in half an hour. Mrs. Dove, you are a sensible and well-educated woman; pray accompany me, and give me your advice! we may hear of Mr. Dove while we are gone. Mrs. Y., you, of course, will stay with Mrs. Dismal for the present. Good bye, my dears—good bye! Now pray, don’t fret; be women—be women—don’t weep about a man. What are men?—mere self-elected law-makers. Don’t despair, ladies; the time is fast coming whenweshall have voices in the legislation of the country, and then let them look to their questions. The wrongs done to our sex, for centuries, shall be well revenged in the first session.
[Exit withMRS. DOVE,L.H.
Mrs. Y.Good bye, Mrs. Lynx; if you wish to see us, we are only next door to you—you know. And pray, if you hear anything of our husbands apprize us immediately, and we will do the same for you.—(TakingMRS. DISMAL’Sarm.)—Now, if Mr. Dismal passes the house again, Iwillcall him in.
Mrs. Dis.No, no; you shall not.
Mrs. Y.Iwill.
Mrs. Dis.I won’t hear of it.
Mrs. Y.I’m not used to contradict, but you must. Though I am wretched, if I can assist in restoring happiness to others, Mrs. Frederick Younghusband is not the woman to be idle in such a matter. So come, dear D., smile and look pleasant!
[Exit withMRS. DISMAL,L.H.D.
Mrs. Lynx.(Alone.)—Now what course shall I take?—that my husband is guilty, I have abundant of proof—and that I can never, never live with him again, is equally sure. I have sought a refuge here, in a miserable lodging-house; for where had I to go? Wherecouldan outraged and a homeless wife seek for shelter? with friends—with relations? No, no; I could not endure that bitter humiliation. If I am to bewretched, it shall be unseen and alone; I’ll have no cold and affected sympathy—no pity from my kindred. Pity! there is no such feeling! ’tis disguised triumph, and we know it too; else why does the soul rise up within us and spurn it?—(Looking off,R.H.,F.E.)—Ah,hehere! the writer of the letter I received yesterday? then he has traced me to this house. What shall I do? he must not see me. Hark!—(listens)—he is making enquiries concerning me; how shall I avoid him? To retaliate upon my husband, I affected to encourage that man, and he thus presumes upon it. But now, though I shall never return again to my home, I must avoid all that would make me cease to respect myself—I’ll to my room.
[Exit,R.H.F.E.
EnterLYNX,L.H.
Lynx.I have been rightly informed, my wifeishere. Now that I have no further occasion for secresy, she shall know all; and if Icanawake her to a sense of the mischiefs that will arise from a too watchful jealousy, I will henceforth pursue that line of conduct which must and shall ensure happiness.—(He is goingR.H.)—What! who is that?—(looking off)—he speaks to my wife—she repulses him—he follows her. Villain!—(LYNXrushes off,R.H.)
CODDLEheard without,L.H.
Cod.Come along, Dove, come along; my wife is here. Come, my best friend—my preserver.
EnterCODDLE,draggingDOVE; DOVE’Scoat is torn, and striving in vain to release himself from the grasp ofCODDLE.
Cod.Huzza! Huzza! you’ve told the truth, Dove—you’ve told the truth—Belvidera has retreated and left me master of the field. Be grateful, you villain, be grateful. She would have torn your eyes out, murdered you, had it not been for me.
Dove.But Mr. Coddle, my coat is separating; let me go.
Cod.No, no, I must now introduce you to my wife. Where is she? Mrs. Coddle!—(calling)—Mrs. Coddle! they told me she was here; where are you, my dear, where are you? She can’t be in the house; then we’ll run all over London, but we’ll find her. Come, Dove, my friend, my preserver, come.
Dove.Oh, Mr. Coddle, let me go, let me go.
Cod.No, no, I’ll never part with my witness; come, you delightful fellow, come, you shall never leave me till I am restored to happiness.—(CODDLE,during the foregoing exclamations, has draggedDOVEround the stage, and goes off with him again,L.H.)
A Gallery in the Boarding House; in the flat are two practicable doors.LYNXheard within.
Lynx.(Within.)—Villain! Villain! what do you here?—(a noise as of a struggle; a scream heard)—I am unarmed, or you should not leave this place alive; come, Emmeline, come with me.
EnterLYNXdragging out his wife, she is pale and agitated.
Mrs. Ly.Ah Lionel—is it, is it you? Oh bless you, bless you.—(taking his hands—he places her in a chair)—I have brought this upon myself.
Lynx.But you are safe; and who has saved you?
Mrs. Ly.(Falling on his neck.)—My husband!
Lynx.Stay you here, Iwillfollow him and have revenge.
Mrs. Ly.(Clinging to him.)—Nay, nay, I implore you stay near me—about me—leave me not again.
Lynx.But I have now a clue to him, which I will not forsake till his heart’s blood atones for my injuries.
Mrs. Ly.Do you know him, that you speak thus?
Lynx.I do, indeed.
Mrs. Ly.Who—and what is he?
Lynx.Who? listen, Emmeline; the deceiver of my sister, and the father of that girl, through whom we separated and thus meet again.
Mrs. Ly.The father!
Lynx.I dared not confess as much before. I was bound, sworn to secrecy by my sister; but her death now makes me free to tell you all.
Mrs. Ly.Forgive me—I—I am satisfied.
Lynx.You shall first know that you have good cause to be so; that villain in early life wronged my sister; she afterwards married; had her previous intimacy with this man been known, ruin, in the noble sphere in which she moved, must have awaited her; I kept her secret religiously, and as you know, at the expence of my own peace; I was as a father to the girl; and though she left the asylum in which I placed her, yet ’twas for an honourable and a happy marriage.
Mrs. Ly.No more, no more, dear Lionel; I have been a weak, and foolish woman, but never will I doubt you again.
Lynx.And never more, dear Emmeline will I give you cause; on the conduct of the husband chiefly rests the virtue of the wife, and I here renounce all my follies for ever. But for that villain——
Mrs. Ly.Nay, nay, be satisfied, be at peace; and let mutual confidence henceforth secure to us that happiness to which we have so long been strangers.
Lynx.It shall, Emmeline, it shall.—(They embrace.)
EnterMR.andMRS. YOUNGHUSBANDandMR.andMRS. DISMAL,arm in arm, and laughing;MRS. DOVEfollowing.
Mrs. Y.What! Mr. and Mrs. Lynx, and embracing too: then you have explained and made it up, as we have done. Well, this is delightful! Mr. and Mrs. Dismal are friends; I sawhim watching his house; I rushed out—dragged him in.—Y., who was with him, followed; we pouted a little—coquetted a little—cried a little—and then rushed into one another’s arms; didn’t we, Frederick?
Young.No, I——
Mrs. Y.Hush! remember, dear; you have promised never to contradict me again.
Mrs. Dis.And my George has vowed to be as kind, and as attentive in future, as——
Dis.As I can.
Mrs. Y.There is poor Mrs. Dove in an agony about her Henry. She left Mrs. Coddle—came to us—was told that her husband was in this house—and he is still no where to be found.
Lynx.We heard both him and Mr. Coddle here not long since.
(DOVE,without.)
Dove.Martha!
Mrs. Dove.Ah! I hear his welcome voice.
EnterDOVE,his clothes torn to ribbands.
Dove.Martha! are you here? Oh, look at me!
Mrs. Dove.Henry! look at me, and forgive me.
Dove.Forgive you, Martha! yes, that I will, after what I’ve suffered since our abduction. This is all Mr. Coddle’s doings; I was his witness, and he wouldn’t let me leave him, till I had seen aunt Hobbs and Mrs. Coddle, in his presence. We have seen ’em; aunt Hobbs is gone off again; and Mr. and Mrs. Coddle are coming here with all their differencesre-united.
Mrs. Dove.Your aunt Hobbs!
Dove.Don’t ask questions now, dear; when we are alone I’llliquidateevery thing.
Mrs. Dove.Elucidate!
Dove.Now, you are going to begin again, love!
Mrs. Dove.No, Henry, I forgot myself; I never shall correct you more, dear.
EnterCODDLE,capering, dressed in a suit of Nankeen;MRS. CODDLEon his arm.
Cod.Here we are! here we are! Belvidera has retreated in confusion; and the conquering hero, with his only lawful wife, stands before you in all the conscious pride of innocence, and a complete suit of Nankeen.
All.Nankeen!
Cod.Yes; no lining—no, Mrs. Coddle has heard all—and has forgiven all; she is now convinced how I was duped by my first wife; has had proof of her leaving me—of her plundering me—of her coming here merely to make a property of me, of the illegality of the marriage; and here we are united and happy again; and there stands my friend and preserver, of whom I shall ever think with gratitude.—(Pointing toDOVE.)
Dove.Then allow me to observe, while you were pillaging your wardrobe, your gratitude might have jogged your memory a little, respecting the condition of your preserver’s clothes; this is quite the result of your own exuberance.
Mrs. Dove.My dear Henry——
Cod.Hush, Mrs. Dove; allow your husband to select his own words at pleasure—yield a little to each other, ’tis the best and only way to secure domestic peace. I shall yield everything. Look at me; I that three days ago was all flannel and under-waistcoats, now intend to defy air, draughts, open-windows, corner-houses, everything; and I and Mrs. Coddle are going in search of the North Pole. Lynx, my boy, have you cleared up your mystery and satisfied your wife? that’s right, now let us forgive and forget; forget all but those qualities that first induced us to marry. Mrs. Sam, what did you have me for?
Mrs. Cod.Because I could discover, through all your eccentricities, a natural goodness of heart.
Cod.Then whenever you are inclined to be angry with me, always think of that, and I in return will ever remember theaffection that first led me to seek you. Lynx, what didyoumarry for?
Lynx.I freely confess it was for love.
Cod.And you, Mrs. Lynx, married him from the same impulse?
Mrs. Ly.Yes, Sir.
Cod.And you, Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband, married——
Young.For the same reason, as our friends Mr. and Mrs. Lynx married.
Mrs. Y.For the same reason precisely.
Cod.And you, Mr. Dismal?
Dis.Because I was tired of living alone.
Cod.And Mrs. D. was weary of the same life, no doubt?
Mrs. Dis.I confess my weakness.
Cod.And you, Mr. and Mrs. Dove, married—because——
Mrs. Dove.Being a widow, and accustomed to a sharer in my joys and sorrows——
Dove.You took me into partnership, at my master’s dissolution.
Cod.Well, then, whenever a disagreement breaks out among you in future, recall the memory of those inducements which first led you to think of each other, and you will find it to be a wonderful help to the restoration of peace. Do you all agree to this?
All.Yes, yes.
Cod.Then follow my example, and ratify the agreement by a hearty conjugal embrace;Iwill give the word of command. Make ready!—(AsCODDLEputs his arm round his wife’s waist, each of the husbands do the same to their wives.)—Present!—(CODDLEtakes his wife’s chin between his fingers and thumb, and prepares to kiss her, all the husbands do the same.)—Fire!—(They all kiss and embrace at the same moment.)
Cod.There, this is the way that all matrimonial quarrels should end—and ifyouare of the same opinion—(to theaudience)—then, indeed, will our conjugal joy be complete, and our light lesson not have been read in vain. You have seen the result of perpetual jealousy, in the case of Mr. and Mrs. Lynx; of continual disputes and contradiction in that of Mr. and Mrs. Younghusband; of a want of cheerfulness and attention in Mr. and Mrs. Dismal; of the impolicy of public correction in the instance of Mrs. Dove; and the necessity of assimilating habits and tempers in the singular case of Mr. and Mrs. Coddle; and though these may not be one half the causes of quarrel between man and wife—yet, even their exposure may serve as beacon lights, to avoid the rocks of altercation when sailing on the sea of matrimony. So think of us, all ye anticipating and smiling single people; for youmust, orought, all to be married, and the sooner the better—and remember us ye already paired; and let our example prove to you that to mutual forbearance, mutual confidence, mutual habits, mutual everything, must we owe mutual happiness. And where can thebestof happiness be found, but in a loyal and affectionate Married Life?
Disposition of the Characters at the fall of the Curtain.
Mr. L. Mrs. L.—Mr.Y. Mrs.Y—Mr. C. Mrs. C.—Mr. D. Mrs. D.—Mrs. Dove, Mr. Dove.
THE END.
G. Cowie, Printer, 13, Newcastle Street, Strand.