Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful.My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful.Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw;To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law.Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell,But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell;I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay,Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,—Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,—Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den,Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines denVere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop—righdt oop against der vall;Bud der lions don'd vas shkared—dey didn't do none notting at all."Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled;Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant.I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent;Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace,"I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace.""Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you,Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me?He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.'She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse;Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house;Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead.Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it.I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it.She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off;I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off.Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on,Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on.She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees—vor dree veeks—I didn't comb back.I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored,Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored.Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir,Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay;Bud now a shange vas tooken blace—I get shtruck in a deafferent vay.Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool,Und I vas youst aboudt the same—alas! I vas a vool.She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her,I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur;Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce;Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!"I says "I vouldn't do it"—dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am.Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise,Und keeked me oudt der house, sir—righdt bevore my vace und eyes!I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt,To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt,Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door.Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse;Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot—she's gettin' vorse und vorse;Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only courseTo comb here und get your adwice—und also a diworce.*****You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue,I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young.So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay,Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own,Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone.Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay,I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay.Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick,Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick.Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense;Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now;I can't remaimber vot I vorget—dot beats all, ainyhow!Oh! now I've got it—wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone,Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn.Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain,"Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame."Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died,Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise,Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes;Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait,Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.George M. Warren.
Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful.My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful.Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw;To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law.Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell,But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell;I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay,Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,—Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,—Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den,Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines denVere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop—righdt oop against der vall;Bud der lions don'd vas shkared—dey didn't do none notting at all."Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled;Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant.I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent;Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace,"I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace.""Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you,Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me?He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.'She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse;Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house;Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead.Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it.I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it.She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off;I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off.Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on,Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on.She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees—vor dree veeks—I didn't comb back.I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored,Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored.Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir,Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay;Bud now a shange vas tooken blace—I get shtruck in a deafferent vay.Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool,Und I vas youst aboudt the same—alas! I vas a vool.She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her,I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur;Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce;Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!"I says "I vouldn't do it"—dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am.Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise,Und keeked me oudt der house, sir—righdt bevore my vace und eyes!I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt,To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt,Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door.Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse;Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot—she's gettin' vorse und vorse;Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only courseTo comb here und get your adwice—und also a diworce.*****You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue,I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young.So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay,Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own,Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone.Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay,I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay.Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick,Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick.Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense;Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now;I can't remaimber vot I vorget—dot beats all, ainyhow!Oh! now I've got it—wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone,Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn.Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain,"Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame."Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died,Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise,Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes;Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait,Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.George M. Warren.
Draw oop dem bapers, lawyer, und make 'em shtrong and lawful.My house vas getting oopside oudt, und Baitsy she vas awful.Dere's no use talkin', ve can't agree. Sooch aickshuns I naifer saw;To tell you der troot, between you und me, she vas vorse as a mudder-in-law.Ven I virst got married mit Baitsy, I liked her pooty vell,But now she vas got more stubborn vot nopody can dell;I've talked mit her togedder, vor two veeks aifery tay,Und der furder we vas togedder, der nearer ve vas avay.
Dot all gommenced aboudt der Pible: I youst took it down vrom der shelf,—Dot's a ding I naifer look into mooch: you know how dot vas, yourself,—Und I vas a-reading 'boudt Daniel, how he shoomped in der lion's den,Und youst a leedle farder along, I vas reading dem lines denVere it says, "Und Daniel got hees back oop—righdt oop against der vall;Bud der lions don'd vas shkared—dey didn't do none notting at all."Und ven I read dot shapter dru, ve both vas a goot deal puzzled;Und I says, "Baitsy, now I see how t'vas, dem lions must bin muzzled."
She told me I vas lyin'; dot vas not vot it meant.I said she vas anudder, und dot's youst der vay it vent;Und den she vas got awful mad, und dold me to my vace,"I vish, py shinks! dot Dan vas oudt, und you vas een hees blace.""Vell," I says, "I'm villings to shange mit Daniel; let heem comb und lif mit you,Und I'll go and shoomp een der lion's den, und enshoy myself better'n I do!"
Bud vot een der dooce vould Daniel dink ov I ashk heem to shange mit me?He vould say, 'Oh, no! I know Baitsy too vell. I vould rather shtay vere I be.'She shoomped righdt gwick vor der broomshtick, und vas goin' to gife me a douse;Bud ven she turned roundt to shtruck me, she vas all alonein der house;Dot's der reason I comb to talk to you aboudt der varm und homeshtead.Dere moosht no vone trust Baitsy on my aggount: she left my board und bedshtead.
Vone day she vanted soam vater, und dold me to go oud und pump it.I dold her I vouldn't do it, und ov she didn't like she could lump it.She shoked me oop against der vall, und shut my vindpipe off;I tell you I seen shtars dot time, und I dought my head vas off.Py krashus! She's liable to kill me mit vatefer she gets her hands on,Und I get mixed oop so, I can't tell vich endt my head shtands on.She shtruck me vonce mit a cord-wood shtick, righdt on der shpine ov my back.
I lefd her home, und vrom dot day till dees—vor dree veeks—I didn't comb back.I dell you, Meesder Lawyer, it beats all vot I've endoored,Besides der money I've baid oudt to keeb my life enshoored.Der more I dink ov dese dings, der less I vant to, sir,Und der more I dink ov Baitsy, der less I dink ov her.
Der virst time I aifer met her, I vas shtruck mit her vinning vay;Bud now a shange vas tooken blace—I get shtruck in a deafferent vay.Dot time veil ve got married, she vas a lass een shkool,Und I vas youst aboudt the same—alas! I vas a vool.
She alvays used to shmile so nice venefer I shanced to meet her,I didn't dought she vould become sooch an orvul oogly creetur;Bud shoore I vas meesdaken, und I got beat like der dooce;Ov you could only hear her, you'd dink her jaw vas loose.
Vone day she says, "Shut oop your moudt! your blabbin' all der time!"I says "I vouldn't do it"—dot's der kind ov a Dootchman I am.Und den, bevore I knew it, she took me by soorbrise,Und keeked me oudt der house, sir—righdt bevore my vace und eyes!I tell you vat it vas, sir, I velt a goot deal put oudt,To hafe my own belofed vife tell me to shut my moudt,Und, because I dought I vouldn't, to keek me oudt der door.Youst on aggount sooch aickshuns, dot's vy I veel so sore.
I've yelled und shkolded at her until my droat vas hoarse;Bud dot naifer didn't do no goot—she's gettin' vorse und vorse;Und I've made oop my mind oudt, dot vas my only courseTo comb here und get your adwice—und also a diworce.
*****
You talk 'boudt bein' henpecked, und ruled by voman's tongue,I tell you vat it is, sir, I'm vorse off den Prigham Young.So wrode oop dot baper, lawyer, und draw it righdt avay,Und I'll take it home to Baitsy, und see vot she vill say.
Und den to-morrow morning I vill sell aiferyding I own,Und bid Baitsy und our shild goot-by, und go oudt een der vorld alone.Und ven I dink ov Baitsy a dousand milse avay,I'll baed she'll vant to hafe me comb righdt back home und shtay.Bud I naifer vill comb back again, unless she's tooken sick,Ov she is, you tailegraf me to comb back pooty gwick.Remaimber vot I tell you, und don'd keeb me in soosbense;Youst bay the tailegrafer, und sharge to my oxbense.
Dot puts me een mind ov someding dot I can't dink ov now;I can't remaimber vot I vorget—dot beats all, ainyhow!Oh! now I've got it—wrode it down, dot ven I'm dead und gone,Baitsy'll bring back me to her, und bury me een der lawn.Und on my tombstone let it read, in ledders large und blain,"Here lies Shon Shtuffenheimer, and hees vife she is to blame."Und I hope dot in a veek or two, righdt after I hafe died,Baitsy und I vill both ov us be laying side by side.
Und ven Gabreel blows hees drumpet oop, und all der dead shall rise,Baitsy und I vill both shoomp oop, and vipe our veeping eyes;Und den, if it looks doubtful, ve'll shtand righdt dere und vait,Und ven no vone vas lookin', ve'll shkweeze dru der Golden Gate.
George M. Warren.