LXXXVII.UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.
“AWIFE” writes that she has three children; has been married eight years, and thinks it would be pleasant to be relieved from all home cares, and travel for a few months. Her mother would take her children home, so that she could feel perfectly at ease about them, but her husband objects. He cannot possibly go with her, and though it would be much pleasanter to have him accompany her, yetshe could go with friends, who would give her every attention. Her husband is abundantly able to afford her this pleasure, but objects to her leaving him,—“having his home broken up, and his children separated from him” (sensible man!). “He endeavors to persuade her to be contented at home until by and by he can take wife and children on this pleasure trip.”
Now she declares that she has no faith in theseby and byes, with which husbands seek to keep their wives from enjoying the present, by promises for the future. She thinks him unreasonably selfish, and feels that she would be justified in cutting loose from such bondage occasionally, and taking her pleasure, as she constantly sees so many other ladies doing.
We are pained with the whole tone of this letter, of which we give but a few lines. Notwithstanding her complaints and fault-finding, the writer cannot hide the fact that, from her own showing, she has a pleasant home, an indulgent husband, and wealth sufficient to obviate any necessity for labor or care, more than is required to superintend her domestic affairs, and look after her children, as every mother and housekeeper pledges herself to do when she enters the marriage state. It is natural that her husband should object to her leaving him for months, deprive him of his children, and disorganize his home, for her own gratification.
“Until death do us part,” the promise reads: not simply for a few years, at the end of which time the whole domestic economy may become deranged simply for personal pleasure, apart from the family.
We see nothing that this dissatisfied woman has to complain of, but are inclined to think she has been infected with those pernicious doctrines which have led to loud complaints about women,—defrauded of herrights, woman’scruel subjugation,—doctrines with which we have less and less patience, because we see more and more clearly the mistakes and mischief which have sprung and will continue to spring from them, unless the “plague is stayed.” No doubt many a woman is oppressed and treated unkindly, often cruelly, and made to feel that she is placed by her husband in a subordinate position, instead of reigningwithhim over their home,—his other self with equal rights and power, as is only meet,—having charge of one department, while he takes another for which his stronger organization and peculiar masculine abilities are better adapted. The husband to superintend the outside, severer duties: the wife as God prepared her to be, the mother watching over infancy, and through those duties made less physically strong, but giving grace and refinement to the home, which, without her,—under masculine supervision,—would degenerate into coarseness and inelegance.
We know there are many overtaxed, broken-down women who by kindness and just appreciation might have been saved, and remained altogether lovely and refined, making their homes like Paradise before the fall.
There are also many broken-down men, dispirited, uneasy of life, ruined by the frivolity, irritability, and extravagance of their wives, whom a refined, sensible, loving woman, would have redeemed and made happy, noble, and godlike.
We imagine the rights and the wrongs are about equally divided on either side. The deceitfulness of the human heart, the natural depravity, unsubdued, left to run wild and ungoverned, seeking not the peace and happiness of the chosen partner, but their own selfish gratification, has changed many a noble man into a reckless, uncomfortable, unprincipled husband, or an arbitrary and harsh domestic tyrant. And the same selfish indulgence and unregulated passions have also changed many a woman, capable of shining in herappropriate sphere as mother, or home refiner, into an irritable, unsatisfied fireside torment.
But this is wandering from the main point, through a train of thoughts very naturally evoked by the perusal of the letter referred to. We believe many homes are injured and much dissatisfaction and unhappiness occasioned by the greatly increased disposition to travel; roaming each year away from home, and too frequently without the companionship which should naturally be secured. A man is often compelled by business to be absent from home for weeks, or even months, to go abroad, and frequently when it would be impossible for him to take his wife with him. Often onemustgo for health, while it is important that the other should remain at home to look after their common interests. These are misfortunes which cannot be avoided, and must be borne from necessity, not from choice.
But when we see eitherdesiringto roam, “to go a pleasuring” alone, when both cannot go, we wonder at the folly which is laying the foundation for bitter regret in later years. The marriage ceremony is but a mockery, if the two who exchange vows are not expecting to find their chief earthly joys in each other’s society. But when they can bring their minds to a separation of weeks or months, just for pleasure, we think they little dream of the heartaches they are laying up in store for one another.
Keep together while you can. Death will sever the bond, all too soon, or sickness compel absence, full of fear and sad forebodings. It is impossible for a husband and wife to be absent from each other often, even for a few weeks at a time, without finding little changes on their return. Every one has some peculiarities of character and disposition which are not exactly congenial; but if married young, before habits or traits are fixed past change, all these little infelicities are softened or lost sight of in daily communion, and man andwife assimilate, and grow more and more of one heart and one mind, if happily mated. But let these separations, even of short duration, once begin, and they soon grow apart. The natural traits and dissimilarities which constant association have held dormant wake up, and are less and less easily lulled to sleep after each separation.
We think women are more injured by this roving than men. The latter are seldom long absent, except on business, with no leisure for pleasure-seeking while away; and in their necessarily rapid traveling, the hurry, the annoyance, the loss of creature comforts, which are found in greater perfection at home, are more felt, and usually the comforts and luxuries of their own fireside are more fully appreciated on their return. In the whirl of business while absent, they have little temptation to take up any unusual line of thought or action. But a woman, unless shemustgo for her health, more frequently travels to have a “good time,” throwing aside all cares, instead of taking them with her as her husband does. In this freedom, she at once enters upon a mode of life altogether different from that which a wife, mother, or housekeeper can have at home. Her love of nicety and order is less disturbed when she has only herself to care for; and a selfish habit, a feeling of entire independence, is easily established, so that when she returns home she finds it difficult to take up again what was once a pleasure, but now seems more like the “burden of life.” The noise and confusion of children or much company, for the care of which she feels responsible, are far more irksome than before her “pleasure trip.” She does not find the yoke so easy or the burden so light. The habit of being interested in or sharing one another’s cares, reporting little items of daily news when together, is destroyed, and without any intentional unkindness they have learned to turn to others for the amusement or the social intercourse which was once a part of their life.
These are not intentionalslights, but the changes which repeated absence most naturally brings. A woman sees the changes much sooner than a man,—sees, grieves over them, and is made unhappy by them, if she loves her husband, though often too proud to let it be known. Ifpleasure tripsare frequent or of long duration, these changes are more marked. Husbands and wives, who were once made uncomfortable and restless if one meal passed unshared, learn after a while, by frequent separations, to let many pass with but little regret. Separation has lost its former importance in their eyes. Why should it not be so? Ifdeathdivides them, however true the sorrow, time after a while must bring healing; and the heart, although there will always be a niche which no one else can occupy, must, after many days, turn for comfort and companionship to other, if not better friends. Sometimes, perhaps, in a younger and fairer, the old love is entirely lost sight of.
Let this discontented wife, who, after eight years of married life and the care of home and three children, feels that she should be indulged in a vacation and freedom from these responsibilities, ponder well the probable consequences of the steps she desires to take in opposition to her husband’s wishes. To secure the short-lived pleasure of a few months’ travel, can she afford to risk the many changes she may expect on her return? Will she be willing to see that her husband has less confidence in her, less desire for her society, than formerly; that he has learned that there are many comforts and pleasures to be found outside his home? Is the gratification worth the price she may be called to pay for it?
We have not put this subject in as clear and strong a light as we desired; but if what we have said may have sufficient weight to lead this “wife,” and others who are showing indications of having been infected with the same restless, dissatisfied spirit, to think long and soberly before theydecide, we shall be thankful. We do not believe a true-hearted, sensible wife would willingly desert her post or seek any enjoyment in which her family cannot share.
Keep your families unbroken; together share each other’s joys and sorrows, so far as possible, until death severs the bond. That is the wisest, happiest way of living. When death compels separations, you will have enough to regret, without mourning for the days needlessly spent apart.