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Old GentlemanOld Gentleman(who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none——"Irish Waiter."Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"
Old Gentleman(who has not hurried over his dinner, and has just got his bill). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here twopence for stationery. You know I've had none——"
Irish Waiter."Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"
A Strict Regard for Truth"A Strict Regard for Truth."—Nephew."Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"Uncle(the wedding breakfast had been hilarious). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time—don' le'sh be"—(lurching heavily)—"osht'n—tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"
"A Strict Regard for Truth."—Nephew."Hold up, uncle, people'll think you're screwed!"
Uncle(the wedding breakfast had been hilarious). "Shcrew'd! No, no, Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time—don' le'sh be"—(lurching heavily)—"osht'n—tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"
SEASONABLE LUXURYSEASONABLE LUXURYOld Gent(disgusted). "Here, waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—caterpillar in this chop!"Waiter(flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"
Old Gent(disgusted). "Here, waiter! Here's a—here's a—a—caterpillar in this chop!"
Waiter(flippantly). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just now, sir!"
The "Status Quo AnteThe "Status Quo Ante."—Squire(desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass——"Farmer B."Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.—(He had drunk a bottle or two.)—But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"
The "Status Quo Ante."—Squire(desiring to improve the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural vintages of France and Germany). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass——"Farmer B."Thanky, sir; it's uncommon nice.—(He had drunk a bottle or two.)—But we don't seem to get no forruder!!"
COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALISTCOMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALISTYoung Ganderson(proudly conscious of the general attention) "Oh yes, it's inSoho, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence—wine included."Host(proud of his cellar). "And is the wine drinkable?"Young Ganderson."Oh yes—very good—better than the wine we're drinking now!"
Young Ganderson(proudly conscious of the general attention) "Oh yes, it's inSoho, you know. I know the place well. They give you a capital dinner for eighteenpence—wine included."
Host(proud of his cellar). "And is the wine drinkable?"
Young Ganderson."Oh yes—very good—better than the wine we're drinking now!"
AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBANDAN AFFECTIONATE HUSBANDTomkins."You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?"Jobkins."Why, yes—you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."
Tomkins."You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison to follow, eh?"
Jobkins."Why, yes—you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."
Mistaken Identity.Mistaken Identity.—(As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over.)Head waiter(under a wrong impression). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no——!!!"[Brown never got over it all the evening.
Mistaken Identity.—(As the De Smiths, to whose dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he would walk over.)Head waiter(under a wrong impression). "This won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf! No napkins laid, no glasses, no——!!!"
[Brown never got over it all the evening.
AN AWFUL CRAMMERAN AWFUL CRAMMERProprietor of boarding-house(taking stout guest aside). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!"Diner."No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three—I really—afraid I should—but I'll try!!"
Proprietor of boarding-house(taking stout guest aside). "You'll excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two shillings!"
Diner."No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three—I really—afraid I should—but I'll try!!"
THE BETTING EVILTHE BETTING EVIL.Waiter(down tube). "Wild duck, one!"Voice from the kitchen."Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"
Waiter(down tube). "Wild duck, one!"
Voice from the kitchen."Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another wrong 'un!"
NOT VERY LIKELYNOT VERY LIKELYWaiter(in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M—let's see—aglass of milk, sir, wasn't it?"
Waiter(in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder). "Oh yes, sir, immediately! 'M—let's see—aglass of milk, sir, wasn't it?"
FIGURATIVEFIGURATIVEHead Waiter(the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese). "Hi! James—let loose the Gorgonzola!"
Head Waiter(the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese). "Hi! James—let loose the Gorgonzola!"
BEWILDERINGBEWILDERINGMr. Wuzzles(up for the cattle-show). "Cheese, waiter!"'Robert.' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo——"Mr. Wuzzles(testily). "No, no! I saidcheese!"
Mr. Wuzzles(up for the cattle-show). "Cheese, waiter!"
'Robert.' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell, gorgumzo——"
Mr. Wuzzles(testily). "No, no! I saidcheese!"
ON THE FACE OF IT"ON THE FACE OF IT"Host."I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?"New Butler."Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"
Host."I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have you noticed any difference?"
New Butler."Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port agrees with me so much better!!"
Awful WarningAwful Warning!—Guest(at City Company dinner). "I'm uncommonly hungry!"Ancient Liveryman(with feeling). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't taste at all—anything—for the rest of the evening!!"
Awful Warning!—Guest(at City Company dinner). "I'm uncommonly hungry!"
Ancient Liveryman(with feeling). "Take care, my dear sir, for goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear turtle; 'consequence was—(sighs)—'couldn't taste at all—anything—for the rest of the evening!!"
too much of a good thingIt is quite possible to have too much of a good thing—as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.
It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing—as for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite dress-coat with the silk facings.
Testy Old UncleTesty Old Uncle(unable to control his passion)."Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me. For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey—boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer."[Exit old gent, who alters his will.Moral.—How ridiculous a man appears—particularly a man at a grave period of life—who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!
Testy Old Uncle(unable to control his passion).
"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me. For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey—boiled turkey and saddle of mutton. I'll endure it no longer."
[Exit old gent, who alters his will.
Moral.—How ridiculous a man appears—particularly a man at a grave period of life—who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!
ALL THE DIFFERENCE"ALL THE DIFFERENCE"Dyspeptic Diner."Um"—(forking it suspiciously)—"what is it, waiter?"'Robert.' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dish!"
Dyspeptic Diner."Um"—(forking it suspiciously)—"what is it, waiter?"
'Robert.' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say what it may be on the dish!"
I really never heard a better speechHis Partner."I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of——"He."Great Scott! That reminds me—I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!!
His Partner."I really never heard a better speech in my life! Such a wonderful flow of——"
He."Great Scott! That reminds me—I've left the bathroom tap at home full on!!
NICE LITTLE DINNERTHE NICE LITTLE DINNERTommy(who is standing a feed to Harry). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?"Waiter(with perfect composure). "We have somecheapwine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"
Tommy(who is standing a feed to Harry). "Oh, hang it, you know, fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong, ain't it?"
Waiter(with perfect composure). "We have somecheapwine, sir, at half-a-guinea!"
TOO LITERALTOO LITERAL BY HALFScene.—A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L—nd—n.Waiter."Paysir? Yessir—Whataveyeradsir?"Matter-of-fact old gentleman(who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients."[Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump.
Scene.—A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L—nd—n.
Waiter."Paysir? Yessir—Whataveyeradsir?"
Matter-of-fact old gentleman(who has been reading the "Quarterly" on "Food and its adulterations"). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other unknown ingredients."
[Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump.
Please, Miss SharpDolly."Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have youreallyleft your songs at home?"Miss Sharp."Yes, dear. Why?"Dolly."Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"
Dolly."Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have youreallyleft your songs at home?"
Miss Sharp."Yes, dear. Why?"
Dolly."Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"
EurekaEureka!—Isaacstein(late of Whitechapel, showing old friend over bathroom in new house). "What am I goin' to do with it? Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep goldfish!"
Eureka!—Isaacstein(late of Whitechapel, showing old friend over bathroom in new house). "What am I goin' to do with it? Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep goldfish!"
Uncle!Juvenile."Uncle!"Uncle."Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me up, sir!"Juvenile."Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine, that's a good old chap."
Juvenile."Uncle!"
Uncle."Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me up, sir!"
Juvenile."Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine, that's a good old chap."
leaf symbol
Nurseriana.—Little Chris."Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again."
Mamma."Moulted! What do you mean?"
Little Chris."Why, he's just dropped another tooth!"
TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNERSAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)
(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)
SAT UPONSAT UPONHospitable Host."Does any gentleman say pudden?"Precise Guest."No, sir. Nogentlemansayspudden."
Hospitable Host."Does any gentleman say pudden?"
Precise Guest."No, sir. Nogentlemansayspudden."
Unexpected GratuityUnexpected Gratuity.—Waiter."Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"Old Gent(grandly). "Oh dear no—not at all, not at all! I never give less!"
Unexpected Gratuity.—Waiter."Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"
Old Gent(grandly). "Oh dear no—not at all, not at all! I never give less!"
what matches do you smokeHickling(to friend, who finds some difficulty in keeping his cigar alight). "I say, old man, what matches do you smoke?"
Hickling(to friend, who finds some difficulty in keeping his cigar alight). "I say, old man, what matches do you smoke?"
Fond of Bridge?He."Fond of Bridge?"She."Awfully!"He."Do you know I always think there's somethingwantingin people who don't play?"
He."Fond of Bridge?"
She."Awfully!"
He."Do you know I always think there's somethingwantingin people who don't play?"
wiping my plateOld Party(very naturally excited). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"Waiter(blandly). "It's of no consequence, sir—it's only a dirty one!"
Old Party(very naturally excited). "Why, confound you! You are wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"
Waiter(blandly). "It's of no consequence, sir—it's only a dirty one!"
IN DESPERATE STRAITSIN DESPERATE STRAITSJones(blue ribbon—to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner). "Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on abit! Either you must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"
Jones(blue ribbon—to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner). "Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on abit! Either you must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"
THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDTHINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAIDGuest(who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't). "You must come and dine withme, Jones!"Host."With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"Guest."Now!"
Guest(who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't). "You must come and dine withme, Jones!"
Host."With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"
Guest."Now!"
NOT QUITE THE CHEESE"NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"British Farmer."What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"Waiter."Grew-yere, sir."British Farmer(suspiciously). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"
British Farmer."What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"
Waiter."Grew-yere, sir."
British Farmer(suspiciously). "Then just bring one that grew somewhere else!"
THE END
BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.