NATURAL HISTORY NOTES

NATURAL HISTORY NOTESNATURAL HISTORY NOTESCountry Cousin."Lor, Bill, ain't that a horstrich?"Bill."Horstrich?'Corse not. That 'ere's amongoose!"

Country Cousin."Lor, Bill, ain't that a horstrich?"

Bill."Horstrich?'Corse not. That 'ere's amongoose!"

I saw young 'Arry with his billycock on,Checked trousers on his thighs, with knob stick armed,Climb from the ground like fat pig up a pole,And flop with such sore toil into his saddleAs though a bran-bag dropped down from the clouds,To turn and wind a slow "Jerusalem,"And shock the world with clumsy assmanship.

I saw young 'Arry with his billycock on,

Checked trousers on his thighs, with knob stick armed,

Climb from the ground like fat pig up a pole,

And flop with such sore toil into his saddle

As though a bran-bag dropped down from the clouds,

To turn and wind a slow "Jerusalem,"

And shock the world with clumsy assmanship.

'Arry's Latest Conundrum.—Why is a title-page like charity?—Becos it always begins a tome. (Begins at 'ome, don'tcher see!)

there's a pheasantCockney Friend."Good 'evins! there's a pheasant!"Country Friend."Well, what of it?"Cockney."Why, it ain't the fust of Hoctober?"

Cockney Friend."Good 'evins! there's a pheasant!"

Country Friend."Well, what of it?"

Cockney."Why, it ain't the fust of Hoctober?"

Lady VisitorLady Visitor (at work-girls' club, giving some advice on manners)."And you know ladies never speak to gentlemen without an introduction."'Liza."We knows yer don't, miss, an' we offen pities yer!"

Lady Visitor (at work-girls' club, giving some advice on manners)."And you know ladies never speak to gentlemen without an introduction."

'Liza."We knows yer don't, miss, an' we offen pities yer!"

AN IDYLLAN IDYLLHemma."Oh, 'Arry, hain't this 'eavenly! You'll promise to give me 'am sandwiches always, when we're married, won't yer?"'Arry."'Corse I will!"

Hemma."Oh, 'Arry, hain't this 'eavenly! You'll promise to give me 'am sandwiches always, when we're married, won't yer?"

'Arry."'Corse I will!"

mean with yer matchesFirst Workman."Why don't yer buy yerownmatches, 'stead of always cadgin' mine?"Second Workman."You're uncommon mean with yer matches. I'll just take a few"—(helps himself to two-thirds)—"and be hinderpendent of yer!"

First Workman."Why don't yer buy yerownmatches, 'stead of always cadgin' mine?"

Second Workman."You're uncommon mean with yer matches. I'll just take a few"—(helps himself to two-thirds)—"and be hinderpendent of yer!"

Two errand boysERRAND BOYSFirst Boy."Where are yer goin' to, Bill?"Second Boy."I've got to go right over 'Ammersmith Bridge to Barnes, then I'se got to go to Putney and back by Fulham Road, then to 'Igh Street, Kensington.First Boy."Why, I've got to go to 'Igh Street. You go on. I'm in a bit of a hurry, butI'll wait for yer!"

First Boy."Where are yer goin' to, Bill?"

Second Boy."I've got to go right over 'Ammersmith Bridge to Barnes, then I'se got to go to Putney and back by Fulham Road, then to 'Igh Street, Kensington.

First Boy."Why, I've got to go to 'Igh Street. You go on. I'm in a bit of a hurry, butI'll wait for yer!"

Most Musical, Most Melancholy.—A Cockney gentleman who had been hearing a concert of old music, where every piece that was performed was in the programme termed an "op.," observed, as he went out, "Well, after all these 'ops, I vote we have some malt."

Cockneyism in the Country.—1st Cockney.I say, what sort of a 'ouse will do for a fowl-'ouse?

2nd Cockney.Lor' bless yer,hen-ny 'ouse.

Conundrum for Cockneys.—Which has the greater amount of animal heat, the beaver or the otter? Why, of course, theotterof the two.

How happy could I be in heather,At the grouse gaily blazing away!But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather,So 'tis better at Brighton to stay.

How happy could I be in heather,

At the grouse gaily blazing away!

But then, somehow, I can't touch a feather,

So 'tis better at Brighton to stay.

Pro Bono.—There is one first-rate joint that comes to table which is the Cockney's prime aversion—the h-bone.

A Model ModelA Model Model.(The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio). "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?""From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men.""He must find you a very useful person.""Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. Allhe'sgot to do is just toshove 'em on!"

(The artist is rather shy, and has left his model to do the honours of his studio). "From whom did Mr. M'Gilp paint that head?"

"From yours obediently, madam. I sit for the 'eads of all 'is 'oly men."

"He must find you a very useful person."

"Yes, madam. I order his frames, stretch his canvases, wash his brushes, set his palette, and mix his colours. Allhe'sgot to do is just toshove 'em on!"

Tripper."'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o' that bob I gave yer?"Bystander."Don't worry about it, cocky; ain't you got the bloomin' 'oss as security!"

Tripper."'Ere! 'Arf a mo'! Where's the change out o' that bob I gave yer?"

Bystander."Don't worry about it, cocky; ain't you got the bloomin' 'oss as security!"

Two passing carriagesHoliday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)."Excuse me, sir, but can you see anything wrong with the 'arness of this 'ere 'orse?"

Holiday Driver (returning from a pic-nic)."Excuse me, sir, but can you see anything wrong with the 'arness of this 'ere 'orse?"

(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot).I say, 'Arry, wot bird 's this 'ere?

'Arry.A auk, I should say.

Tom.What yer calls a sparrerawk?

'Arry.No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.

Think!"From the cradle to the grave!" my brother,A nurse takes you from one, an 'earse to t'other.

Think!"From the cradle to the grave!" my brother,

A nurse takes you from one, an 'earse to t'other.

A Vulgar Error.—Misplacing the haspirate.

A Chevalieresque Conundrum.—Coster Bill (to 'Arriet).I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?

'Arriet.Oh, g'long! Give't up.

Coster Bill.Why, when 'es awitin'round the corner.

[Short encounter, and exeunt severally.

A Capital AnswerA Capital Answer."Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)."Now, boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"Boy."An 'H,' sir."

"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager)."Now, boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"

Boy."An 'H,' sir."

(Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council.)

I 'old it true wote'er befall,I feel it when things go most cross,Better do a fi'penny doss,Than never do a doss at all!

I 'old it true wote'er befall,

I feel it when things go most cross,

Better do a fi'penny doss,

Than never do a doss at all!

First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race).Wot 'ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer button 'ole for, Tommy?

Second E. B. (promptly).'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!

Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house)."Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"

Artistic Decorator."Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin (Gobelin)."

The IrrepressibleThe Irrepressible.Street Boy (to cabby, in a block)."Look 'ere, are you a goin' on wi' this four wheeler?—'r else me an' my friend 'll get down an' walk!"[Retires hastily.

Street Boy (to cabby, in a block)."Look 'ere, are you a goin' on wi' this four wheeler?—'r else me an' my friend 'll get down an' walk!"

[Retires hastily.

Audacious 'Arryism.—Our friend 'Arry objects to the title of a recently published novel, "Airy Fairy Lilian." He says that he can't imagine a fairy all over 'air, though he might an 'obgoblin.

Hark how the cockney sportsman dropsHis aitches o'er the glades and glens,But, at hen pheasents though he pops,Your 'Arry never drops his n's.

Hark how the cockney sportsman drops

His aitches o'er the glades and glens,

But, at hen pheasents though he pops,

Your 'Arry never drops his n's.

A Pair of "Nippers."—A coster's twins.

"Jack," said Robins, "which varsity would you rayther go to, Hoxford or 'Idleberg?"

"Hoxford, Jemmy, to be sure, you muff," answered Robbins. "'Cos vy, I prefers hindustry to hidleness."

Ow much an hourA Bank Holiday Reminiscence.'Arry."Ow much an hour, guv'nor?"Horsekeeper."Eighteenpence."'Arry."All right. I'll have a ride."Horsekeeper."Well, you've got to leave 'arf a crown on the 'orse?"

'Arry."Ow much an hour, guv'nor?"

Horsekeeper."Eighteenpence."

'Arry."All right. I'll have a ride."

Horsekeeper."Well, you've got to leave 'arf a crown on the 'orse?"

Lady in food storePOOR LETTER "H""Have you got anywholestrawberry jam?""No, miss. All ours is quite new!"

"Have you got anywholestrawberry jam?"

"No, miss. All ours is quite new!"

SONGS OF THE SUMMERSONGS OF THE SUMMER"The weather seems to be improving, Nupkins!""Yes, miss; the nightingale and the cuckoo is a-'ollerin', every night!"

"The weather seems to be improving, Nupkins!"

"Yes, miss; the nightingale and the cuckoo is a-'ollerin', every night!"

Our 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will,"The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill";And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare,The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air!

Our 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will,

"The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill";

And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare,

The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air!

Cockney Epitaph for a Cook.—"Peace to his hashes."

"A Horse," observed a Scotch vet., "may have a very good appetite, and yet be unable to eat a bit."

"Ah," said 'Arry, "there's the difference between a 'oss and a ostridge, which could eat bit, snaffle, curb and all."

A Cockney sportsman, wishing to introduce hare-hunting into France, is seriously meditating a work on the subject, to be entitled,Arrière-pensées;or, Thoughts on Keeping 'Ariers. Hisnom de plumewill beLe petit Jean duJockey Club.

lady looking at a bee'Arriet (as a bee alights on her hand)."My word, 'Arry, wot a pretty fly!"(Sting.)"Crikey! ain't 'is feet 'ot!"

'Arriet (as a bee alights on her hand)."My word, 'Arry, wot a pretty fly!"

(Sting.)

"Crikey! ain't 'is feet 'ot!"

two boys looking at statue"'Ullo, Jim, look 'ere! 'Ere's a noo stachoo! Lend us yer knife!"

"'Ullo, Jim, look 'ere! 'Ere's a noo stachoo! Lend us yer knife!"

I want to buy a dogJinks."I want to buy a dog. I don't know what they call the breed, but it is something the shape of a greyhound, with a short curly tail and rough hair. Do you keep dogs like that?"Fancier."No. I drowns 'em!"

Jinks."I want to buy a dog. I don't know what they call the breed, but it is something the shape of a greyhound, with a short curly tail and rough hair. Do you keep dogs like that?"

Fancier."No. I drowns 'em!"

The Socratic mode of argument is the only true mode of chopping logic, because it proceeds altogether on the principle of axing questions.

TheDaily Chronicle—recently suggested that the plural of rhinoceros is a disputed point. 'Arry writes: "What O,Mr. P., 'disputed'?—not a bit. Any kiddy as 'as 'ad 'arf an eddication knows what the plural of ''oss' is, don't he? No matter as to its bein' spelt ''os' or ''oss.' Plural, anyway ''osses.' 'Bus-'os'—'Bus-'osses.' 'Rhinocer-os'—'Rhinocer-osses.' That's as plain as an 'aystack, ain't it?

"Yours,

'Arry."

Definition for a Diner-out.—An unlicensed wittler, quoth our worthy 'ost.—'Arry.

FERVOUR IN THE FOGFERVOUR IN THE FOGUnpromising Individual (suddenly—his voice vibrating with passion)."She's moy unney;Oim 'er joy!"

Unpromising Individual (suddenly—his voice vibrating with passion).

"She's moy unney;Oim 'er joy!"

"She's moy unney;

Oim 'er joy!"

"Ah!" exclaimed, enthusiastically, a hairdresser's assistant who had been out for a holiday. "'Ind 'Ead, in Surrey! That's the place for hair!"

The Real London Pride.—We know an inveterate Cockney who declares that London milk beats the country milk, and beats it "by many chalks."

Good Paper for Deaf Cockneys.—The 'Earer.

The Musical Coster Craze.—Customer.Have you a copy of Costa'sEli?

Shopman.No, sir; we have none of Chevalier's songs.

Looking in mirror"I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!"

"I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!"

men looking in shop"I say, Bill, oo was this 'ere Nelson as everybody wos a talkin' about?" "Why, 'e was the chap as turned the French out of Trafalgar Square!"

"I say, Bill, oo was this 'ere Nelson as everybody wos a talkin' about?" "Why, 'e was the chap as turned the French out of Trafalgar Square!"

can you lend me twopence"Bill, can you lend me twopence?""Wot a silly question to arst! Why, if I 'ad twopence, wot 'ud I be doin' standin' outside a public 'ouse?"

"Bill, can you lend me twopence?"

"Wot a silly question to arst! Why, if I 'ad twopence, wot 'ud I be doin' standin' outside a public 'ouse?"

By a Cockney Poet.

All hail, thou jocund time of year,To Cockneys and cock-robins dear!All hail, thou flowery, showery season,When throstles, mating, perch the trees on:When sparrows on the house-tops sit,And court their loves with cheery twit:While opera songsters tune their throats,Exchanging for our gold their notes!Now Nature her new dress receives,And dinner-tables spread their leaves;Asparagus again one sees,And early ducklings, served with peas;Again the crisp whitebait we crunch,And chops of lambkin blithely munch;Salmon again our shops afford,And plovers' eggs adorn the board;While for one day at least our sonsMay stuff themselves with hot cross buns!See now the swells begin to showTheir horsemanship in Rotten Row:See now the Drive is thronged once more,And idlers lounge there as of yore:See now fair April fills Mayfair,And gives new life to Grosvenor Square.See now what crowds flock to the Zoo,Where Master Hippo is on viewSee daffodils, and daisies piedIn bloom, and buttercups beside:See now the thorn, and e'en the roseSigns of returning Spring disclose:See now the lilac large in bud;While costermongers, splashed with mud,The product of the passing showers,Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!"Or wake the echoes of the groves[A]With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"

All hail, thou jocund time of year,

To Cockneys and cock-robins dear!

All hail, thou flowery, showery season,

When throstles, mating, perch the trees on:

When sparrows on the house-tops sit,

And court their loves with cheery twit:

While opera songsters tune their throats,

Exchanging for our gold their notes!

Now Nature her new dress receives,

And dinner-tables spread their leaves;

Asparagus again one sees,

And early ducklings, served with peas;

Again the crisp whitebait we crunch,

And chops of lambkin blithely munch;

Salmon again our shops afford,

And plovers' eggs adorn the board;

While for one day at least our sons

May stuff themselves with hot cross buns!

See now the swells begin to show

Their horsemanship in Rotten Row:

See now the Drive is thronged once more,

And idlers lounge there as of yore:

See now fair April fills Mayfair,

And gives new life to Grosvenor Square.

See now what crowds flock to the Zoo,

Where Master Hippo is on view

See daffodils, and daisies pied

In bloom, and buttercups beside:

See now the thorn, and e'en the rose

Signs of returning Spring disclose:

See now the lilac large in bud;

While costermongers, splashed with mud,

The product of the passing showers,

Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!"

Or wake the echoes of the groves[A]

With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"

[A]Westbourne Grove, Lisson Grove, Camden Grove, &c.

'Appy 'Arry'Appy 'Arry—"With my new panama-a-arAnd tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."

"With my new panama-a-arAnd tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."

"With my new panama-a-ar

And tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."

Teacher and studentENCOURAGING, VERY!Cockney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous—after a long silence)."If youshouldsee a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly—DO SO!!"[Collapse of expectant student.

Cockney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous—after a long silence)."If youshouldsee a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly—DO SO!!"

[Collapse of expectant student.

ordering a drinkStanding no Nonsense.'Arry."Phew!"—(the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith)—"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."Waiter."Yessir—dry, sir?"'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once)."Never you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!—bring the wine!"

'Arry."Phew!"—(the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith)—"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."

Waiter."Yessir—dry, sir?"

'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once)."Never you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!—bring the wine!"

ShereditySheredity.Lady."You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait at table!"Mother (proudly)."Well 'm, sheoughtto be, seein' as 'ow 'er father 'as been aplate layerfor five-and-twenty year!"

Lady."You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait at table!"

Mother (proudly)."Well 'm, sheoughtto be, seein' as 'ow 'er father 'as been aplate layerfor five-and-twenty year!"

lady checking programmeLady (referring to programme, to friend)."'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information)."Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"

Lady (referring to programme, to friend)."'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"

'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information)."Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"

Sale of IntoxicantsThe Sale of Intoxicants to Children Bill."It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"

"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"

DiscouragingDiscouraging.Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion)."Can you tell me if this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"Suspicious-looking Party."Yus."Nervous P."Er—rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"Suspicious-looking P."Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."[Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction.

Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion)."Can you tell me if this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"

Suspicious-looking Party."Yus."

Nervous P."Er—rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"

Suspicious-looking P."Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."

[Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction.

The Festive SeasonThe Festive Season.First Burglar."'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'! Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"

First Burglar."'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'! Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"

Temperance OratorTemperance Orator."Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!"A Voice."Ye're right, ole man,they are!"

Temperance Orator."Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!"A Voice."Ye're right, ole man,they are!"

Cockneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate the "h's." It is done by common people in the provinces, and you may laugh at them for it. The deduction therefore is, that a peasant, with an "h," is fair game.

New Cockney Saint.—Mrs. Malaprop declares that if she lives to be a hundred—and all her family detain a venerated age—she will certainly have a Saint 'Enery.

Riddle by 'Arry.—"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?—Why, 'Miss is 'ippy,' o' course."

EASTER MONDAYEASTER MONDAY'Arry."Do you pass any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"Cabby."Yes. Lots."'Arry."Well,don't!"

'Arry."Do you pass any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"

Cabby."Yes. Lots."

'Arry."Well,don't!"

Dropped aitch"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped this?"

"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped this?"

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE

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