GOLF

Brer RabbitBrer Rabbit. "I suppose you haven't seen such a thing as a golf-ball about anywhere, have you?"

Brer Rabbit. "I suppose you haven't seen such a thing as a golf-ball about anywhere, have you?"

Golf Enthusiasts.First Enthusiast. "I say, will you play another round with me on Thursday?"Second Enthusiast. "Well, I'm booked to be married on that day—but it can be postponed!"

First Enthusiast. "I say, will you play another round with me on Thursday?"

Second Enthusiast. "Well, I'm booked to be married on that day—but it can be postponed!"

The Golf StreamThe Golf Stream.—Flows along the eastern coast of Scotland during the summer and autumn.(VideReport of British Association—Section V.).

The Golf Stream.—Flows along the eastern coast of Scotland during the summer and autumn.

(VideReport of British Association—Section V.).

Real EnjoymentReal Enjoyment.—Non-Golfer(middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing). "Well, I cannot see where the excitement comes in in this game!"Caddie."Eh, mon, there's more swearing used over golf than any other game! D'ye no ca' that excitement?"

Real Enjoyment.—Non-Golfer(middle-aged, rather stout, who would like to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing). "Well, I cannot see where the excitement comes in in this game!"

Caddie."Eh, mon, there's more swearing used over golf than any other game! D'ye no ca' that excitement?"

A little success at golf, as I've notised, jenerally makes a man wish for more. Like the appertite of a young girl for chocerlates. I dunno if you remember that nice old Mister Giggington, of 'oom I told you. Under my skillfull gidance, and with the ade of a little inercent 'anky-panky, 'e kontrived to wander rarnd these 'ere links in an 'undred and twenty-nine. Well, ever since that serprising triemph, 'e 'as been 'ungering for fresh feelds to konker, as you might say.

"I want to meet someone, 'Enery, as I can beat," 'e kep' saying, quite truckewlent like. "I don't pretend as 'ow I'm brillyent, but on my day I do fancy that there's wuss."

"You keep on practising steddy, sir," was my invariable words, "and one of these days we shall see you winning cups and medils."

As nice and kind an old jentleman as ever smashed a club is Mister Giggington, but I allus'ave to 'andle 'im like eggs to prevent 'im losing 'art. I didn't think as 'ow even 'Enery Wilks would be able to grattify 'is 'armless ambishun, but the uther day I saw my chawnce.

It was a Toosday morning, and the course was quite disserted, excep' for Mister G., 'oo was waiting to start a practice rarnd wiv 'is pashunt teecher. Which is me. And then a new member come along 'oo was wishfull for a game, and dirrectly I set eyes on 'im, somethink, hinstink, I suppose, seemed to tell me that 'ere was the man for 'oom I 'ad been waiting.

'E was French, and I shall not attempt to rite 'is name, the 'ang of which I never reely kawt. 'E was a small, darkish, jornty man, and 'is garmints was a little briter and more cheerfull-looking than you see in England. 'E wore, among uther things, a deer-storker 'at wiv a fevver stuck in it. But 'is manners was reelly bewtifull. It was quite a site to see 'im click 'is 'eels togevver, and bow to my himployer, and in a minute they 'ad fixed their match. I 'ad 'inted to Mister G. that 'e must hinsist on 'aving a stroke an 'ole, and that was 'ow they settled it. I never lerned what theFrenchman's 'andicap was, but if the Champyon 'isself 'ad offered to take strokes from 'im 'e would 'ave closed gladly wiv the offer. And yet there was reelly nuthing erfensive about the little man.

I could see as 'ow pore old Mister G. was trimbling wiv a sort of serpressed egsitement, and I wispered to 'im that 'e must play steddy and use the niblick whenever possibul. The niblick, from long practice in the bunkers, is 'is club.

Me frend, Chawley Martin, was the Frenchman's caddie, and 'e took ercasion to remmark to me that we seemed in for somethink warmish. I checked the boy wiv one of my glawnces, and then we waited while 'is hemployer took the 'onner. That jentleman danced up to the tee, waving rarnd 'is head the longest and the bendiest driver that I 'ave ever seen, and 'e didn't trubble to address the ball at all. 'E just sprung at it and 'it it wiv all 'is might, and somethink fairly wistled past Chawley's 'ead as 'e stood a little be'ind the tee box. The Frenchman 'ad sliced at rite angels, and for anythink I know 'is ball is still in the air. Certingly, we never saw it agin.

That slite misforchune appeered to egsite anddimmoralise Chawley's himployer, 'oo may 'ave been quite a brillyent player on 'is day, and I may say at once that 'e never reelly found 'is game. On the uther 'and it seemed to put new life and vigger into Mister G. Our erponent was appariently trying 'ard to do each 'ole in a brillyent one, but we was quite content to win them in a steddy nine.

We 'ad our misforchunes, of course. 'Is deerest frend wouldn't 'ardly say as 'ow Mister G.'s game is a long one, and each bunker seems to 'ave a sort of magnettick attrackshun for 'is ball, but whilst the Frenchman's brassey remained unbroken we knew that there was allus a chawnce for the 'ole. For 'arf the rarnd it stood the crewel strane and then it didn't break. It jest seemed tosort of dissolve into small peaces. But we was two up by then and our tails was 'igh in air.

As for the Frenchman, 'is meffods at times was reelly serprising. After that first drive Chawley lade 'isself down flat when 'is hemployer drove, but even in that posishun it didn't seem 'ardly safe. That long, thin, bendy driver sent the ball to all 'ites and all angels, but never once in a strate line. After a wile 'e diskarded it, and guv a fair, 'onnest trial to every club in 'is bag in turn. I should never 'ave been serprised to see 'im drive desperit like wiv 'is putter, but even then Chawley wouldn't 'ave dared say nuthink. 'E was quite a plessant, jentlemanly little man, but it didn't do toargue wiv 'im. 'E begun to scream and stamp at once, and Chawley saw pretty soon that it was best and safest to let 'im play 'is own game.

It was on the fiftienth green that the great match was ended. Mister Giggington's pluck and stamminer 'ad been amasing for 'is age, but the strane and the joyfull egsitement was beginning to tell on 'im. The Frenchman tried to bring off a thirty-yard putt to save the 'ole, and failed by some forty yards. But 'e took 'is defeet like a nero. They shook 'ands on the green and 'e said that it warmed 'is 'art to reflect on the glory that 'is frendly foe 'ad won. I beleeve as 'ow there was tears in the old jentleman's eyes. 'E turned to me and I quite thort 'e was going to grasp my 'and, but instead of that 'e put a bob into it which was pretty near as good.

'E 'll never make a golfer, but 'Enery Wilks will allus be pleesed and proud to gide 'im rarnd the course.

A Ruling PassionA Ruling Passion.—Mr. Meenister MacGlucky(of the Free Kirk, after having given way more than usual to an expression "a wee thing strong"—despairingly). "Oh! Aye! Ah, w-e-el! I'll hae ta gie 't up!"Mr. Elder MacNab."Wha-at, man, gie up gowf?"Mr. Meenister MacGlucky."Nae, nae! Gie up the meenistry!"

A Ruling Passion.—Mr. Meenister MacGlucky(of the Free Kirk, after having given way more than usual to an expression "a wee thing strong"—despairingly). "Oh! Aye! Ah, w-e-el! I'll hae ta gie 't up!"

Mr. Elder MacNab."Wha-at, man, gie up gowf?"

Mr. Meenister MacGlucky."Nae, nae! Gie up the meenistry!"

A PoserA Poser.—"Farmers always grumbling? Well, supposin' your pigs were down wi' th' fever, an' your sheep had got th' influenza, if your crops were drownded in eighteen inches o' water, an' your rent were overdue—what would you do?""I? I'd give it up and start a golf club!"

A Poser.—"Farmers always grumbling? Well, supposin' your pigs were down wi' th' fever, an' your sheep had got th' influenza, if your crops were drownded in eighteen inches o' water, an' your rent were overdue—what would you do?"

"I? I'd give it up and start a golf club!"

INGRATITUDEINGRATITUDEBrown."Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"Smith."Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"

INGRATITUDE

Brown."Why doesn't Walker stop to speak? Thought he knew you!"

Smith."Used to; but I introduced him to the girl he married. Neither of them recognises me now!"

(As "Put" by D. Crambo Junior.)

Putting on the links"Putting" on the "links"The tee and the caddieThe "tee" and the "caddie"A showy manner of handling the clubsA showy manner of handling the "clubs"A full driveA full driveA beautifuliron shotA beautiful "iron" shotThe spoonThe "spoon"The cleekThe "cleek"Holed out"Holed out"

Putting on the links"Putting" on the "links"

"Putting" on the "links"

The tee and the caddieThe "tee" and the "caddie"

The "tee" and the "caddie"

A showy manner of handling the clubsA showy manner of handling the "clubs"

A showy manner of handling the "clubs"

A full driveA full drive

A full drive

A beautifuliron shotA beautiful "iron" shot

A beautiful "iron" shot

The spoonThe "spoon"

The "spoon"

The cleekThe "cleek"

The "cleek"

Holed out"Holed out"

"Holed out"

A MORNING PERFORMANCEA MORNING PERFORMANCE

A MORNING PERFORMANCE

FORE!FORE!"Now, sir, be judge yourself, whether I in any just term am affin'd to love the Moor."[Othello, Act I., Sc. 1.]

FORE!

"Now, sir, be judge yourself, whether I in any just term am affin'd to love the Moor."

[Othello, Act I., Sc. 1.]

VI.

'Onnesty is the best pollicy, and, 'Evin knows, 'Enery Wilks 'as allus tried 'is levil best to live up to them golden words. But I reckon there iscertain excepshuns to the cast-iron 'onnesty of all of us, and every yumin being 'as 'is little weakness. Mine is golf balls.

Tips is well enuff in their way, and I 'ave nuthing at all to say agin them, but the present of a good ball is far more pleesing to the 'art of 'Enery Wilks. Praps it's becos of 'is allmost inkonquerabul pride which shrinks at times from taking munney from them 'oom 'e feels to be 'is equils or hinfeeriors; or praps it grattifies 'is artistick nachure to be given the himplements of that great sience which 'e onderstands so well. Any'ow golf balls is my temptashun, and one which once or twice in the course of my 'onnerabul kareer I 'ave allowed meself to yeeld to.

Some golfers will ercashunally 'and you tuppence or an 'arf-used ball, wif a jenial word of thanks for your attenshuns which is worth more to a proud nachure than the gift itself. And there's uthers 'oo never think of doing nuthink of the sort. Amongthemis Mister Schwabstein, 'oo is not French or Scotch, as you might think from 'is name, but German, wiv praps a touch of Jentile.

'E's a man what catches the eye on the links, it being 'is constant and hannoying 'abbit to were a peaked yotting cap, large specks, and a white silk coat which was once a good deal whiter. An egsellent sort of person, I dessay, in the 'ome sircle, but 'ardly what you'd call a brillyent success upon the links. They say as 'ow 'e 'as more munney than 'e ritely knows what to do wiv, but I fancy 'e's made it by never giving any of it away. 'Owever, 'Enery Wilks 'as done 'is best to put that rite.

Let me diskribe to you a rarnd which 'e played the uther day wiv Mister 'Erminius Brellett, our litterry member, 'oo allus seems to go out of 'is way to play wiv kurious people. I 'ave taken Mister Schwabstein in charge before, but never 'ave I seen 'is pecooliarities so noticeabul as on that day.

'E took the 'onner, and for about three minutes 'e addressed the ball wiv 'is 'uge, thick, ugly driver, which 'as always rarsed my perfessional hindignashun. 'E swung at last, quite slow like, but wiv all 'is great weight and strength piled into it. I shall never know egsackly what 'e did, becos thetees was dry, and for the moment I was 'arf blinded by the dust. But there was a thud and a krackling snap, and two things was flying through the thick, dusty air. Them two missils was the ball and the 'ead of the driver, and they fell togevver thirty yards from the tee. 'E said somethink which I couldn't catch and didn't want to, and walked rarnd in a slow sircle, smiling to 'isself. 'E's a man 'oo allus smiles. It often seems to me that it is 'is misforchune.

Then Mister Brellett took one of 'is yusual springing drives, which 'appened to come off, and 'e won that fust 'ole on 'is head. Mister Schwabstein kontrived to redooce 'is brassey to fragmints at the second 'ole; and after that he took out 'is niblick, and nuthing wouldn't perswade 'im to put it back. 'E drove wiv that niblick, and 'e played 'is many shots through the green wiv it. And the way that thick strong niblick eat into the turf was enuff to brake the 'art of 'Enery Wilks. We moved slowly forward, leaving be'ind us a line of crewel deep kassims, which nuthink wouldn't fill up. And 'is stile of bunker play was equilly distrucktive.

'Is noshun of getting out was to distroy the wall of the bunker wiv reppeated blows, and then to force 'is ball throo the rewings. I wouldn't 'ave belleeved that meer wood and iron could 'ave done the work that that one German niblick did wivout turning an 'air.

'E only smiled 'is slow smile when Mister Brellett or meself venchured a remmonstrance, and 'e would never pick up 'is ball. 'E persevered wiv each 'ole until at last 'e 'ad pushed the ball into the tin, and then 'e would turn and pat my 'ead wiv 'is large 'and. After the fust time I jenerally dodged, and once 'e turned and patted Mister Brellett's 'ead by accerdent. Like most litterry jents, the latter is rather touchy, and there was neerly trouble; but some'ow, thanks to Mister Schwabstein's apparent onconshusness of offense, it was erverted.

At the thirteenth 'ole Mister Brellett was five up. Mister Schwabstein put down a new ball, wiv a sort of groan, and pulled it wiv 'is niblick right rarnd into the rough. For a long two minnutes we 'unted 'igh and low, but nowhere could we find that ball. If I'd seen it I would 'ave handed itover at once, sich being my boundin dooty. But I never did see it. There was jest one little place in that rough where some'ow it didn't seem worth while looking. We 'ad to erbandon it at last; and Mister Schwabstein lost the 'ole and the match.

Later in the day I wandered down on a sort of ferlorn 'ope to that bit of rough, and kuriously enuff I walked bang on to that ball. There was severil courses open to me. I might 'ave 'anded it over to the orthorities, or I might 'ave kep' it as a memmentoe of Mister Schwabstein's unfaling jenerosity and kortesy. But 'Enery Wilks didn't see 'is way to doing either of them two things. 'E jest disposed of that fine new ball to the very best hadvantage.

"Denmark is the latest of the Continental nations to receive golf."—The Tatler.

Golfing NotesBut golf must have flourished at Denmark in Hamlet's time, judging by the above reproduction of a very ancient mural decoration which has just come to light.See also quotationHamlet, Act II., Scene 2:—" ... drives; in rage, strikes wide!"

But golf must have flourished at Denmark in Hamlet's time, judging by the above reproduction of a very ancient mural decoration which has just come to light.

See also quotationHamlet, Act II., Scene 2:—" ... drives; in rage, strikes wide!"

EncouragementEncouragement.—Professional Golfer(in answer to anxious question). "Weel, no, sir, at your time o' life, ye can never hope to become aplayer; but if ye practise hard for three years, ye may be able to tell good play from bad when ye see it!"

Encouragement.—Professional Golfer(in answer to anxious question). "Weel, no, sir, at your time o' life, ye can never hope to become aplayer; but if ye practise hard for three years, ye may be able to tell good play from bad when ye see it!"

Bertie to caddieBertie(to caddie, searching for lost ball). "What are you looking there for? Why, I must have driven it fifty yards further!"Diplomatic Caddie."But sometimes they hit a stone, sir, and bounce back a terrible distance!"

Bertie(to caddie, searching for lost ball). "What are you looking there for? Why, I must have driven it fifty yards further!"

Diplomatic Caddie."But sometimes they hit a stone, sir, and bounce back a terrible distance!"

Old Hand vs. New Hand.Old Hand."Ah, I heard you'd joined. Been round the links yet?"New Hand."Oh, yes. Went yesterday."Old Hand."Whot did you go round in?"New Hand."Oh, my ordinary clothes!"

Old Hand."Ah, I heard you'd joined. Been round the links yet?"

New Hand."Oh, yes. Went yesterday."

Old Hand."Whot did you go round in?"

New Hand."Oh, my ordinary clothes!"

Golfing Amenities.Golfing Amenities. (Overheard on a course within 100 miles of Edinburgh).—Hopeless Duffer(who continually asks his caddy the same question, with much grumbling at the non-success of his clubs). "And what shall I take now?"His Unfortunate Partner(whose match has been lost and game spoilt, at last breaking out). "What'll ye tak noo! The best thing ye can tak is the fower fifteen for Edinburgh!"

Golfing Amenities. (Overheard on a course within 100 miles of Edinburgh).—Hopeless Duffer(who continually asks his caddy the same question, with much grumbling at the non-success of his clubs). "And what shall I take now?"

His Unfortunate Partner(whose match has been lost and game spoilt, at last breaking out). "What'll ye tak noo! The best thing ye can tak is the fower fifteen for Edinburgh!"

The Pedantry of Sport.—First Golf Maniac.I played a round with Captain Bulger the other day.

Second G.M.When did you get to know him?

First G.M.Oh, about the end of the Gutty Ball period.

Cheerful BeginnerCheerful Beginner(who has just smashed the Colonel's favourite driver). "Oh, now I see why you have to carry so many clubs!"

Cheerful Beginner(who has just smashed the Colonel's favourite driver). "Oh, now I see why you have to carry so many clubs!"

Tee, Tee, Only Tee!

(Song of the Golf Enthusiast. After Thomas Moore)Air—"Thee, thee, only thee."

The dawn of the morn, the daylight's sinking,Shall find me on the Links, and thinking,Of Tee, Tee, only Tee!When rivals meet upon the ground,The Putting-green's a realm enchanted,Nay, in Society's giddy roundMy soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is hauntedBy Tee, Tee, only Tee!For that at early morn I waken,And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,For Tee, Tee, only Tee!I'm game to start all in the dark,To the Links hurrying—resting never.The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,I halt not, heed not, hastening everTo Tee, Tee, only Tee!Of chilly fog I am no funker,I'll brave the very biggest bunker,For Tee, Tee, only Tee!A spell that nought on earth can breakHolds me. Golf's charms can ne'er bespoken;But late I'll sleep, and early wake,Of loyalty be this my token,To Tee, Tee, only Tee!

The dawn of the morn, the daylight's sinking,

Shall find me on the Links, and thinking,

Of Tee, Tee, only Tee!

When rivals meet upon the ground,

The Putting-green's a realm enchanted,

Nay, in Society's giddy round

My soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is haunted

By Tee, Tee, only Tee!

For that at early morn I waken,

And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,

For Tee, Tee, only Tee!

I'm game to start all in the dark,

To the Links hurrying—resting never.

The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,

I halt not, heed not, hastening ever

To Tee, Tee, only Tee!

Of chilly fog I am no funker,

I'll brave the very biggest bunker,

For Tee, Tee, only Tee!

A spell that nought on earth can break

Holds me. Golf's charms can ne'er bespoken;

But late I'll sleep, and early wake,

Of loyalty be this my token,

To Tee, Tee, only Tee!

Golf caddies are now very much in the public eye. The education of some of them is certainly not all that it should be. "Here's an honour for us!" cried one of them excitedly the other day, as he pointed to a paragraph in the paper headed, "King Alfonso visits Cadiz."

[A certain make of field-glasses is advertised just now as "suitable for golf-players, enabling them before striking to select a favourable spot for the descent of their ball." There can be little doubt that this brilliant hint will be further developed, with some such results as those outlined in the following anticipation.]

As I told Jones when he met me at the clubhouse, it was a year or more since I had last played, so the chances were that I should be a bit below form. Besides, I was told that the standard of play had been so raised——

"Raised? I should just think it has!" said Jones. "Why, a year ago they played mere skittles—not what you could properly call golf. Got your clubs? Come along then. Queer old-fashioned things they are, too! And you're never going out without your theodolite?"

"Well," I said with considerable surprise, "the fact is, I haven't got one. What do you use it for?"

"Taking levels, of course. And—bless me, you've no inflater, or glasses—not even a wind-gauge! Shall I borrow some for you?—Oh, just as you like, but you won't be able to put up much of a game without them."

"Does your caddie take all those things?" I asked, pointing to the curious assortment of machinery which Jones had put together.

"My caddies do," he corrected. "No one takes less than three nowadays. Good; there's only one couple on the first tee, so we shall get away in half an hour or so."

"I should hope so!" I remarked. "Do you mean that it will be half an hour before those men have played two shots?"

"There or thereabouts. Simkins is a fast player—wonderful head for algebra that man has—so it may be a shade less. Come and watch him; then you'll see what golf is!"

And indeed I watched him with much interest. First he surveyed the country with great care through a field-glass. Then he squinted along a theodolite at a distant pole. Next he used a strange instrument which was, Jones told me, a wind-gauge, and tapped thoughtfully at a pocket-barometer. After that he produced paper and pencil, and was immersed apparently in difficultsums. Finally, he summoned one of his caddies, who carried a metal cylinder. A golf ball was connected to this by a piece of india-rubber tubing, and a slight hissing noise was heard.

"Putting in the hydrogen," explained Jones. "Everything depends upon getting the right amount. New idea? Not very; even a year ago you must have seen pneumatic golf balls—filled with compressed air? Well, this is only an obvious improvement. There, he's going to drive now."

And this he did, using a club unlike anything I had seen before. Then he surveyed the putting-green—about half a mile away—through his glasses, and remarked that it was a fairish shot, the ball being within three inches of the hole. His companion, who went through the same lengthy preliminaries, was less fortunate. In a tone of considerable disgust he announced that he had over-driven the hole by four hundred yards.

"Too much hydrogen," murmured Jones, "or else he got his formulæ muddled. Well, we can start now. Shall I lead the way?"

I begged him to do so. He in turn surveyed the country, consulted instruments, did elaborate sums, inflated his ball.

"Now," he said, at length settling into his stance, "now I'll show you."

And then he missed the ball clean.

... Of course he ought not to have used such language, and yet it was a sort of relief to findsomethingabout the game which was entirely unchanged.

Royal and Ancient Records.—TheGlasgow Evening Timesdisplayed the following headings on the occasion of His Majesty's visit to North Berwick:—

VISIT TO THE GOLF COURSE.A Drive Through the Town.

This, of course, constitutes a new record, the old one standing at about 330 yards.

The Golfer's Friend after Long Drives—The Tea-Caddy.

Golf Motto.—The "Hole" hog or none.

A Last ResortA Last Resort.—Miss Armstrong(who has foozled the ball six times with various clubs). "And which of the sticks am I to use now?"Weary Caddie."Gie it a bit knock wi' the bag!"

A Last Resort.—Miss Armstrong(who has foozled the ball six times with various clubs). "And which of the sticks am I to use now?"

Weary Caddie."Gie it a bit knock wi' the bag!"

Caddie to BiffinCaddie(in stage whisper to Biffin, who is frightfully nervous). "Don't you get nervous, sir. It's all right. I've told every one of 'em you can't play!"

Caddie(in stage whisper to Biffin, who is frightfully nervous). "Don't you get nervous, sir. It's all right. I've told every one of 'em you can't play!"

FitzfoozleFitzfoozle(a beginner, who is "teaching" a lady on the men's links, and loses a club). "Pardon me, sir. Have you seen a lady's club anywhere?"Admiral Peppercorn(very irate at being delayed, wishes ladies would play on their own course). "No, sir, but there's a goose club at the 'Pig and Whistle,' I believe. Try that!"

Fitzfoozle(a beginner, who is "teaching" a lady on the men's links, and loses a club). "Pardon me, sir. Have you seen a lady's club anywhere?"

Admiral Peppercorn(very irate at being delayed, wishes ladies would play on their own course). "No, sir, but there's a goose club at the 'Pig and Whistle,' I believe. Try that!"

Golf ball under stoneGolfer, whose ball has lodged under stone, has had several unsuccessful shots, and finally, with a tremendous stroke, smashed his club.Old Man."You put me in moind of my old jackass."Golfer."What d'you mean, you idiot?"Old Man."Yer've got more strength than knowledge!"

Golfer, whose ball has lodged under stone, has had several unsuccessful shots, and finally, with a tremendous stroke, smashed his club.

Old Man."You put me in moind of my old jackass."

Golfer."What d'you mean, you idiot?"

Old Man."Yer've got more strength than knowledge!"

(After Tennyson)

Golf! Golf! Golf!By the side of the sounding sea;And I would that my ears had neverHeard aught of the "links" and the "tee."Oh, well for the man of my heart,That he bets on the "holes" and the play;Oh, well for the "caddie" that carriesThe "clubs," and earns his pay.He puts his red coat on,And he roams on the sandy hill;But oh! for the touch of that golfer's hand,That the "niblick" wields with a will.Golf! Golf! Golf!Where the "bunkers" vex by the sea;But the days of Tennis and CroquetWill never come back to me!

Golf! Golf! Golf!

By the side of the sounding sea;

And I would that my ears had never

Heard aught of the "links" and the "tee."

Oh, well for the man of my heart,

That he bets on the "holes" and the play;

Oh, well for the "caddie" that carries

The "clubs," and earns his pay.

He puts his red coat on,

And he roams on the sandy hill;

But oh! for the touch of that golfer's hand,

That the "niblick" wields with a will.

Golf! Golf! Golf!

Where the "bunkers" vex by the sea;

But the days of Tennis and Croquet

Will never come back to me!

Virgil on Golf.—"Miscueruntque herbas et non innoxia verba."Georgics, 3, 283.

To Correspondents.—"An Inexperienced Golfer" writes to inquire whether what he has heard about "the Tee Duty" will in any way affect the "caddies."

Mrs. LightfootWilling to Compensate.—Mrs. Lightfoot."Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Sharp—don't drive yet. My husband is still on the green."Mr. Sharp."Never mind. I'll risk it. For if Idobowl him over, why, I'm ready to replace him any time!"

Willing to Compensate.—Mrs. Lightfoot."Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Sharp—don't drive yet. My husband is still on the green."

Mr. Sharp."Never mind. I'll risk it. For if Idobowl him over, why, I'm ready to replace him any time!"

Rumour has it that a movement is on foot amongst a certain section of the golfing public to ensure that for the future all caddies on English links shall be compelled to furnish satisfactory proof that they are physically and morally qualified for the porterage and cleaning of clubs, and acquainted with the more rudimentary principles of the game. To this end, it is reported, an entrance examination paper is in course of preparation, in which individuals aspiring to official recognition as caddies will be required to obtain a percentage of at least eighty marks. The following questions are said to have been already drafted:—

1. Write your name, legibly if possible, in the top right-hand corner of the sheet.

(Do not trouble to insert your nickname, as it is a matter of indifference to the examiners whether you are locally known as "Tiger," "Ginger," or "Bill Bailey.")

2. State your age. If this is less than six, ormore than seventy-five years, you may omit the remaining questions and retire at once from the examination.

3. Are you married or single? Give reasons for your answer.

4. Illustrate the finer points of distinction between

(a) a niblick and a gutty;(b) a bye and a bulger.

(a) a niblick and a gutty;

(b) a bye and a bulger.

5. Are you a Protectionist or a Total Abstainer?

6. Rewrite the following passage, correcting anything that may strike you as an error or an incongruity:—"In an 18-hole match, X., a scratch player with a handicap of 20, stood dormy 12 at the 17th hole, but while half-way through the final green was unfortunate enough to get badly bunkered behind the tee-box. Being required to play 'two more' to his opponent Y., who had laid himself dead in 6, he only played one of them, thus holing out in 5, and securing a victory by the narrow margin of 4 up and 7 to play."

7. Given that the regulation charge for a round is a shilling, would you consider yourself justified in attempting to exact an extra half-crown forclub-cleaning from a player in spectacles, with a handicap of 27 and a wistful expression? (Candidates are advised to say "No" to this question.)

"As She is Spoke."—(In the train from Nice.)Enthusiastic Golfer(to friend, as train stops at Golfe-Juan): "Oh, here we are! This must be the place. 'Golfe,' golf. 'Juan,'jeu, play, you know. Yes, this is evidently the station for the links!"

The Natural Crest of every Golf Club.—The lynx.

Five-o'clock "Tees."—Suburban golf.

Mr. Punch reading

Stimied.Stimied.—Golfer."Fore!"Tinker."What?"Golfer."Get out of the way!"Tinker."What for?"Golfer."I might hit you."Tinker."Thee'd bestnot, young man!"

Stimied.—Golfer."Fore!"

Tinker."What?"Golfer."Get out of the way!"

Tinker."What for?"Golfer."I might hit you."

Tinker."Thee'd bestnot, young man!"

Licensed Caddy.Licensed Caddy."Carry your clubs, sir?"Jones(who has chartered a small boy at a cheap rate). "No, I've got a caddy."Licensed Caddy."Carry your caddy, sir?"

Licensed Caddy."Carry your clubs, sir?"

Jones(who has chartered a small boy at a cheap rate). "No, I've got a caddy."

Licensed Caddy."Carry your caddy, sir?"

The Ruling Passion.The Ruling Passion.—Laden and perspiring stranger."Could you kindly tell me how far it is to the station?"Sportsome Native."About a full drive, two brassies and a putt."

The Ruling Passion.—Laden and perspiring stranger."Could you kindly tell me how far it is to the station?"

Sportsome Native."About a full drive, two brassies and a putt."

(After E.B. Browning)

By the side of the sounding sea;Do you hear the widows weeping, O my brothers,Wedded but a few brief years?They are writing home complaining to their mothers,And their ink's suffused with tears.The young lads are playing in the meadows,The young babes are sleeping in the nest;The young men are flirting in the shadows,The young maids are helping them, with zest.But the young golf widows, O my brothers,Are weeping bitterly,They are weeping in the playtime of the others,While you're swiping from the tee.Do you ask their grazing widows in their sorrowWhy their tears are falling so?"Oh—yesterday—to-day again—to-morrow—To the links youalwaysgo!Your golf 'shop,'" they say, "is very dreary,You speak of nothing else from week to week;A really patient wife will grow a-wearyOf talk about a concentrated cleek."Yes, the young golf widows, O my brothers,Do you ask them why they weep?They are longing to be back beside their mothers,While you're playing in a sweep.And well may the widows weep before youWhen your nightly round is done;They care nothing for a stymie, or the gloryGained by holing out in one."How long," they say, "how long in careless fashionWill you stand, to drive the Dyke, upon our hearts,Trample down with nailèd heel our early passion,Turning homeward only when the light departs?You can hear our lamentations many a mile hence,Can you hearken without shame,When our mourning curseth deeper in the silenceThan a strong man off his game?"

By the side of the sounding sea;

Do you hear the widows weeping, O my brothers,

Wedded but a few brief years?

They are writing home complaining to their mothers,

And their ink's suffused with tears.

The young lads are playing in the meadows,

The young babes are sleeping in the nest;

The young men are flirting in the shadows,

The young maids are helping them, with zest.

But the young golf widows, O my brothers,

Are weeping bitterly,

They are weeping in the playtime of the others,

While you're swiping from the tee.

Do you ask their grazing widows in their sorrow

Why their tears are falling so?

"Oh—yesterday—to-day again—to-morrow—

To the links youalwaysgo!

Your golf 'shop,'" they say, "is very dreary,

You speak of nothing else from week to week;

A really patient wife will grow a-weary

Of talk about a concentrated cleek."

Yes, the young golf widows, O my brothers,

Do you ask them why they weep?

They are longing to be back beside their mothers,

While you're playing in a sweep.

And well may the widows weep before you

When your nightly round is done;

They care nothing for a stymie, or the glory

Gained by holing out in one.

"How long," they say, "how long in careless fashion

Will you stand, to drive the Dyke, upon our hearts,

Trample down with nailèd heel our early passion,

Turning homeward only when the light departs?

You can hear our lamentations many a mile hence,

Can you hearken without shame,

When our mourning curseth deeper in the silence

Than a strong man off his game?"

"A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE.""A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE."

"A BEAUTIFUL DRIVE."

HE WOULD HAVE SAID"—— HE WOULD HAVE SAID"A beautiful stroke missed! A favourite club broken! No words to bring relief!American Friend (in the background, after a long pause)."Wa'al, Brown, I guess that's the most profane silence I've ever listened to!"

"—— HE WOULD HAVE SAID"

A beautiful stroke missed! A favourite club broken! No words to bring relief!

American Friend (in the background, after a long pause)."Wa'al, Brown, I guess that's the most profane silence I've ever listened to!"

Subtle.Subtle.—"Aren't you a little off your game this morning, Mr. Smythe?""Oh, I'm not playing this morning, Miss Bertha. Only just amusing myself."

Subtle.—"Aren't you a little off your game this morning, Mr. Smythe?"

"Oh, I'm not playing this morning, Miss Bertha. Only just amusing myself."

(Extract from a Golfer's Diary)

July 21.—Played Robinson, who would never win a match if it wasn't for his wife. Think that I shall start a links for bachelors only. (Mem.—Suggest to the committee that no married man is allowed to play golf in the mornings or afternoons.)

Hole I. I played perfectly, holing beautiful long putt. Robinson hopeless. One up.

Hole II. R. bunkered. Entirely his own fault. Two up.

Hole III. Holed my approach, allowing for both wind and slope of green; really a grand shot. Caught sight of Mrs. R. as I walked to the next tee. Three up.

Hole IV. Thought that I might have to speak to Mrs. R. at any minute. Missed my drive in consequence. Disgusting! Two up.

Hole V. R. seemed to be looking for his wife instead of attending to what I was saying. Mydrive lay on a buttercup, and who the deuce can be expected to play off buttercups? One up.

Hole VI. Stymied R. quite perfectly. He pretended to think that we were not playing stymies. We were. Two up.

Hole VII. Saw Mrs. R. looking aimlessly out to sea. These loafing ladies are enough to put any man off his game. Why can't they do something? One up.

Hole VIII. R. may say what he likes, but he waved to his wife. I was also annoyed by his stockings, which I should think Mrs. R. knitted. The sort of useless thing she would do. All square.

Hole IX. Got well away from Mrs. R., and though my caddy coughed as I was approaching I laid my ball dead. Beautiful shot. One up at the turn.

Hole X. Had the hole in my pocket when R. laid his approach dead. Ridiculous luck. All square.

Hole XI. Just as I was driving I saw Mrs. R. still looking at the sea. I complained, but R. took no notice. At any rate she cost me the hole. One down.

Hole XII. Vardon couldn't have played better than I did, and even R. had to say "Good shot!" twice. All square.

Hole XIII. As I was putting I had a feeling in my back that Mrs. R. had arrived at last. Missed my putt and only halved the hole.

Hole XIV. Couldn't see Mrs. R. anywhere. Wondered where on earth she had got to, or whether she was drowned. Of course I lost the hole. One down.

Hole XV. A little dispute, as R. claimed that his ball—which was under a wheelbarrow—was on ground under repair. Absolutely foolish, and I told him so. All square.

Hole XVI. Made a perfect drive, approach and putt. Looked everywhere for Mrs. R. and couldn't see her. One up.

Hole XVII. Completely put off by wondering when I should see Mrs. R. Most unfair. Told my caddy I should report him to the committee. All square.

Hole XVIII. Saw Mrs. R. on a hill half a mile away. Got on my nerves. R. said, "Halloa, there's my wife! I thought she wasn't coming out this morning." Lost the hole and the match, and told the secretary that R.'s handicap ought to be reduced.

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