RULES FOR HOME-RULERS

The following regulations, to be observed in the Irish Parliament when it meets on College Green, are under consideration:—

1. The Speaker shall not speak except when he is talking.

2. Such terms as "thief of the wurruld," "spalpeen," "nager," "villian," "polthroon," "thraytor," "omadhawn," &c., and such epithets as "base," "brutal," "bloody-minded," and others named in the schedule to these regulations, shall be considered unparliamentary, except when used in the heat of debate.

3. An Annual Budget shall be presented to the House once a quarter.

4. Shilelaghs, revolvers, and pikes, shall not be introduced into the House, except when accompanied by a Member.

5. A Member shall be bound to attend every debate. A Member, however, shall be excused if he gets up in his place in the House and announcesthat he would be present were he not ill at home in bed.

Scene—An Irish Station. Fair DayPorter."An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home)."Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the baste!"

Scene—An Irish Station. Fair Day

Porter."An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home)."Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the baste!"

Porter."An what the divil are ye doin', tying that donkey up there?"

Pat (slightly under the influence, taking his new purchase home)."Shure an' I've a perfect right to! Haven't I taken a ticket for the baste!"

6. A quorum shall consist of forty Members. Should a count-out be demanded, Members who have been engaged in personal altercation, shall be included unless they are sufficiently conscious to utter "Erin go Bragh!" thrice distinctly.

7. Duels will be strictly forbidden. Should any Member, however, think proper to break this rule, it will be considered a breach of privilege if he does not invite the Speaker and the whole House to see the fun.

8. There will be only one Speaker; but two or more Members may be elected to the post.

9. Only one Member shall address the House at a time, except when two or more wish to speak at once, in which case they shall not interrupt each other.

10. A Member when addressing the House shall not wear his hat unless he has got it on his head before rising, when he shall remove it on any Member directing the Speaker's attention to the fact.

11. Under no consideration whatever will the consumption of any spirits be permitted in the House. This rule does not apply to whiskey, gin, brandy, and the French liqueurs.

Irish Nurse."Now thin, mum, wake up an' take yer sleepin' dhraught!"

12. As only the most elegant Dublin English will be spoken in the House, no Provincial brogue can be tolerated. To this rule there will be no exception.

Pat's True Breakfast Chronometer.—"Sure, me stomach in the early morning is as good as a watch to me. I always know whenit wants 'something to ate.'"

A Broad Hint.—English Traveller (to Irish Railway Porter labelling luggage)."Don't you keep a brush for that work, porter?"

Porter."Shure, your honour, our tongues is the only insthruments we're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your honour?"

[Hint taken!

Irish Housekeeping.—Bachelor."Mary, I should like that piece of bacon I left at dinner yesterday."

Irish Servant."Is it the bit o' bhacon thin? Shure I took it to loight the fhoires!"

An Evening's Fishing (behind the Distillery at Sligo).—First Factory Lad."Dom'nick, did ya get e'er a bite at all?"Second Ditto."Sorra wan, Pat. Only wan small wan!"First Ditto."Yerrah! Lave it there, an' come home. Shure you'll get more than that in bed!"

Expended.—Guest."Will you give me a little champagne?"Hibernian Waiter."Shumpane, sor? Bedad, I've had none meself this two hours!"

"Opprission."—Landlord."Tut-t-t! 'O'bless my soul! This must be seen to, Flannigan! The cabin positively isn't fit to live in! Why, you're ankle-deep in——"Pat."Och sure, sor, it's a mighty convanient house, an' that's an iligant spring in the flure, sor. No throuble to go outside for watter whatever!!"

Rather too Literal.—Country Gentleman (in a rage)."Why, what have you been up to, you idiot? You've let him down, and——"New Groom."Yes, yer honner, ye tould me to break him; an' bruk he is, knees an' all, worse luck!"

"Ready, aye Ready!"Officer "Royal Irish.""Why were you late in barracks last night, Private Atkins?"Private Atkins."Train from London was very late, sir."Officer."Very good. Next thime the thrain's late, take care y' come by an earlier one!"

Irish Dealer."Ach, begorra, would ye run over the cushtomers? Sure, it's scarce enough they are!"

Supererogation.—Humanitarian."Couldn't you manage to put a little more flesh on your poor horses' bones? He's frightfully thin!"Car-driver."Bedad, surr, what's the use o' that? The poor baste can hardly carry what he's got a'ready!"

Mrs. O'Brady."Shure oi want to bank twinty pounds. Can I draw it out quick if I want it?"Postmaster."Indade, Mrs. O'Brady, you can draw it out to morrow if you give me a wake's notice!"

Mrs. O'Brady."Shure oi want to bank twinty pounds. Can I draw it out quick if I want it?"

Postmaster."Indade, Mrs. O'Brady, you can draw it out to morrow if you give me a wake's notice!"

It is necessary in some parts of Ireland for carmen to have their names legibly written on the tailboard of the car. Inspector."What's the meanin' of this, Pat? Your name's o-bliterated."Pat."Ye lie—it's O'Brien!"

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