NOT FOR JOSEPH!

Whyshould a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always following soot.

Business.—Inquirer(drawing up prospectus). Shall I write "Company" with a big C?

Honest Broker.Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents "Company" with a capital.

Shave, or hair cut"Shave, or hair cut, sir?""Corns, you fool!"

"Shave, or hair cut, sir?"

"Corns, you fool!"

NOT FOR JOSEPHNOT FOR JOSEPH!

PROOF POSITIVEPROOF POSITIVEOld Lady."Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"'Spectable-looking Man(But—). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, mad'm—for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"

Old Lady."Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"

'Spectable-looking Man(But—). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, mad'm—for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"

The Sinking Fund.—The Royal Humane Society's income.

Shrewd Suggestion.—It often happens, when the husband fails to be home to dinner, that it is one of hisfastdays.

The School of Adversity.—A ragged school.

Never Waste your Time.—Waste somebody else's.

Men oftheTime.—Chronometer makers.

A Man in Advance of his Time.—One who has been knocked into the middle of next week.

The Deaf Man's Paradise.—The Audit Office.

Site for a Ragged School.—Tattersall's.

Stuff and Nonsense.—A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.

ZOOLOGYZOOLOGY"That's a porkypine, Sarah.""No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"

"That's a porkypine, Sarah."

"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"

Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.

"The Best Policy."—That with the largest bonus.

False Quantity.—Short measure.

AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITSAN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS

Consolation Stakes.—Those you get at a City tavern the day after you have tried to eat the article at home.

A Horrible BusinessA Horrible Business.Master Butcher."Did you take old Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?"Boy."Yes, sir."Master Butcher."Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs until they're quite tender!"

Master Butcher."Did you take old Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?"Boy."Yes, sir."Master Butcher."Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs until they're quite tender!"

Girl talking to newsvendorLittle Girl(to Newsvendor, from whom she has just purchased the latest war special). "'Ere's yourpaper! Father says, if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in it."

Little Girl(to Newsvendor, from whom she has just purchased the latest war special). "'Ere's yourpaper! Father says, if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in it."

Old Lady from the countryOld Lady(from the country). "Well, I never! And to think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"

Old Lady(from the country). "Well, I never! And to think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"

A Speculator's Apology.—You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.

Table-Turning.—Looking for a train inBradshaw.

coat of armsARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE(To be placed over the principal entrance.)On a chevronvert, a pigeon pluckedproper, between three rooks peckant, clawed and beakedgules. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise,argent, environed with a halo of bubblesor. Supporters: a bull and bear rampantsable, dented, hoofed and clawedgules. Motto: "Let us prey."

(To be placed over the principal entrance.)

On a chevronvert, a pigeon pluckedproper, between three rooks peckant, clawed and beakedgules. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise,argent, environed with a halo of bubblesor. Supporters: a bull and bear rampantsable, dented, hoofed and clawedgules. Motto: "Let us prey."

A Sensitive PlantA Sensitive Plant."What, back in town already, old chappie?""Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the headache!"

"What, back in town already, old chappie?"

"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the headache!"

Policeman O, No. I, has got such an accumulation of corn in bond, under a tight boot, that it is expected he will be allowed the benefit of nominal or fixed duty. He is one of the most extensive growers of corn in the kingdom, and always has on foot a prodigious quantity, which, when he is in competition with those who try to take advantage of his position, must naturally prevent him from striking the average.

Onions were dull at fourpence a rope, and wild ducks were heavy, with sand inside, at three and sixpence a couple.

A considerable deal of business was done in flat-irons on New Year's Day, and there was a trifling advance upon them everywhere.

The dividends on pawnbrokers' stock were payable last week, but the defaulters were very numerous. A highly respectable party in the City, in order to provide for interest coming due, is understood to have funded the greater part of his summer wardrobe.

Long fours, in the candle-market, were dull, but the ten and a half reduced rushlights brightened up towards the close of the day surprisingly.

Persons who would Benefit by Cremation.—Charwomen.

Forced Politeness.—Bowing to circumstances.

A Name of Ill Omen.—Persons who are subject to fits of toothache, and do not wish to be reminded of their distressing malady, should avoid going down Long Acre.

Pawnbrokers' "Duplicates."—Their twins.

Hagiology on 'Change.—The Brokers' Patron—St. Simon Stock.

Motto for a Tailor who makes Coats of the best Enduring Cloth.—Fuimus, i.e., We Wear.

The Licensing System.—The big brewer is a vulture, and the unpaid magistrate instrumental to his rapacity is that vulture's beak.

The Best Note Paper.—Bank of England.

CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEARCHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEARCabby(to Gent who has been dining out). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?"Gent."Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh myfeet?"

Cabby(to Gent who has been dining out). "'Ere y'are, sir. This is your 'ouse—get out—be careful, sir—'ere's the step?"

Gent."Yesh. Thash allri, but wersh myfeet?"

You are very lateEmployer(who simplyWON'Ttake any excuse for unpunctuality). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!"

Employer(who simplyWON'Ttake any excuse for unpunctuality). "You are very late, Mr. Jones. Go back at once, and come at the proper time!"

Hairdresser to CustomerHairdresser."Hair begins to get very thin, sir."Customer."Yes."Hairdresser."Have you tried our tonic lotion?"Customer."Yes. That didn't do it though."

Hairdresser."Hair begins to get very thin, sir."

Customer."Yes."

Hairdresser."Have you tried our tonic lotion?"

Customer."Yes. That didn't do it though."

Men talking"I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!""Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"

"I 'ear that Tholomon Arons 'as 'ad 'is shop burnt out!"

"Well, 'e 'th a very good feller, Aronth ith. 'E detherves it!"

HOW THE POOR LIVEHOW THE POOR LIVEThe Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.[He'll give them a little notice next time.

The Rev. Mr. Smirk has brought an American millionaire friend to see for himself the distressed state of the poor of his parish.

[He'll give them a little notice next time.

Workmen talkingFirst Workman."Wot's it say, Bill, on that old sun-dial?"Second Workman(reading deliberately). "It says, 'Do—to—day's-work—to—day.'"First W."'DoTWOdays' work to-day!' Wot O! Not me!"

First Workman."Wot's it say, Bill, on that old sun-dial?"

Second Workman(reading deliberately). "It says, 'Do—to—day's-work—to—day.'"

First W."'DoTWOdays' work to-day!' Wot O! Not me!"

Social EvolutionSocial Evolution.Tramp(to benevolent but inquisitive lady).—"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a 'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the 'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got intolow water!"

Tramp(to benevolent but inquisitive lady).—"Well, you see, mum, it were like this. I were a 'addick smoker by profession; then I got ill, and 'ad to go to the 'orspital; then I sold cats meat; but some'ow or other I got intolow water!"

I hope you had better weatherMiss Smith."We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."The Doctor(very deaf). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than we've been having!"

Miss Smith."We've just come from Tannhauser, doctor."

The Doctor(very deaf). "Indeed! I hope you had better weather than we've been having!"

Familiar Phrase ExplainedFamiliar Phrase Explained.Robinson."Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"Smith(who had dined out). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched the pillow, it went round and round!"

Robinson."Well, old chap, how did you sleep last night?"

Smith(who had dined out). "'Like a top.' As soon as my head touched the pillow, it went round and round!"

Cab ToutCab Tout."I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."Cabby."I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."Cab Tout."All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."

Cab Tout."I say, Bill, lend me sixpence."

Cabby."I can't; but I can lend you fourpence."

Cab Tout."All right. Then you'l owe me twopence."

thin on the topBarber."Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir. I should recommend our wash."Customer."May I ask if that invigorating liquid is whatyouhave been in the habit of using?"[Dead silence.

Barber."Your 'air's getting very thin on the top, sir. I should recommend our wash."

Customer."May I ask if that invigorating liquid is whatyouhave been in the habit of using?"

[Dead silence.

Foggy WeatherFoggy Weather."Has Mr. Smith been here?""Yes; he was here about an hour ago.""Was I with him?"

"Has Mr. Smith been here?"

"Yes; he was here about an hour ago."

"Was I with him?"

Highly Probable.—We understand that in consequence of the high price of meat, the Beef-eaters at the Tower have all turned vegetarians.

What Millionaires Smoke.—Golden returns.

The Universal Watchword.—Tick!

Reclining Mr. Punch

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.

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