THE LOST CHANCE

A Difficult Task.—"Jack, dear, I do wish you would get another photo taken." "How often have I told you I will not?" "But why not?" (Then, thoughtfully, after a pause.) "Are you afraid of being asked to look pleasant?"

In your position of lady's-maid, many family secrets will perhaps come to your knowledge. Do not talk of them to your fellow-servants, which would, in fact, be destroying your own valuable monopoly. A servant who knows a great deal of the family affairs cannot be cheaply parted with. You will be secure in your place, and will therefore be in a position to make the most of all its advantages.

The little work we have already alluded to says, that if the lady's-maid is depressed in spirits, "she should open her mind to the friend, whoever it may be, that got her the place." This friend is usually the keeper of a servants' office, who would have enough to do if she were made to bear the infliction of all the unbosomings of all the discontented servants she may have found situations for. This mode of easing your heart would involve the necessity of constantly running out, besides the expense of an occasional omnibus.

Unhappily Expressed.—She (who did not know they were to meet)."Why, Mr. Brown, this is a pleasant surprise!"He (who did)."I can't altogether say that it is so to me, Miss Jones!"

Manners form an essential part of the qualities of a lady's-maid, and making one's self agreeable is the best mannered thing one can possibly accomplish. This is to be done by praise, for nothing is more agreeable to a lady than flattery. However sensible your mistress may be, she is sure to have a share of female vanity; and even if she knows herself to be ugly altogether, she will fancy she has some redeeming feature. If she squints, praise her complexion; if that is bad, tell her she has beautiful eyes: if she has a dumpty figure, praise her face; and if her countenance is as ugly as sin, tell her that her shape is exquisite. Some people will tell you that sensible women don't like flattery; but this you must not believe; for, however sensible they are, they are pleased by it, particularly when it is administered with so much art as to seem not intended for mere compliment. Very palpable praise is insulting to the generality of ladies; but flattery can scarcely be too gross for some few of them. You should study the character of your mistress, that you may not run the risk of offending her by too much praise, or hurting her by giving too little. Your mistress will sometimes take a journey, and you will then have to pack her things for her. The following directions for packing a lady's portmanteau may, therefore, be of use to you:—Put the lighter dresses at the bottom, for these will not be wanted while travelling; and artificial flowers, wreaths, &c., may go along with them. Insert next a layer of dress caps, and ram well down with heavy dresses, to keep the others in their places. Throw in a sprinkling of shoes, and then add the rest of the wardrobe; cramming-in the marking-ink and the desk at the top, where they are easily got at if they are wanted. Thrust in scissors and hairbrushes anywhere that you can find room for them. Get the footman to cord the box, for it will be a good romp for you, as well as great assistance.

By following these instructions, you will find that you have a tolerably snug place of it.

Belle of Balham (to professor, who has just played Chopin's funeral march)."That's awfully jolly! Now play one of Lohengrin's things!"

THE NURSERY-MAID

Any one may undertake the place of a nursery-maid. As every female has, when a girl, been in the habit of carrying, letting fall, snubbing and slapping, either her own or some one else's little brothers and sisters, it is easy to say you have been accustomed to children.

Supposing that you enter service as a nursery-maid, there will, perhaps, be an upper nurse, who will be, in fact, your mistress. Your care at home will be to wait on her; and when walking out, you will have to keep the children at a convenient distance while she flirts with herbeau, who will probably be one of the British soldiery. This will be very tantalising to you at first; but you must recollect that your own time will come, if you wait patiently.

Primum Vivere, Deinde Philosophari.—"Is Florrie's engagement really off, then?" "Oh, yes. Jack wanted her to give up gambling and smoking, and goodness knows what else." (Chorus.) "How absurd!!"

Some places are very different from others. You may go into a wealthy family where the children are kept upstairs, like live lumber, in the nursery, and are only brought out now and then for show, like the horses of the state carriage, or the best tea-set. If you curb their spirits that they may be docile on those occasions, and turn them out to the best advantage as far as appearance is concerned, you will be a favourite with your mistress. In some places you will be what is called "assisted" by the mother; or, in other words, interfered with, just enough to destroy all your attempts at discipline. In this case, your mistress will doubtless tell you, that if you cannot manage the children, she must find someone who can, and will give you warning accordingly.

She."What an enormous expanse of shirt-front Major Armstrong has!"He."H'm—it isn't hisfrontI object to. It's hisside!"

She."What an enormous expanse of shirt-front Major Armstrong has!"

He."H'm—it isn't hisfrontI object to. It's hisside!"

It is not necessary to give you any particular directions about your dress, for the pennyBelle Assembléewill furnish you with all the latest fashions; and you have only to do in cottons and stuffs, what your mistress is doing in silks and satins. You should bear in mind, that you are not obliged to make yourself a dowdy to please any one; for nature has doubtless given you a pretty face, and the gifts of nature ought to be made the most of. Besides, if you are a servant at home, you are a lady out of doors; and you may even keep a parasol at the greengrocer's, to be ready for you when you take a holiday.

When you go to a new place, your mistress will, perhaps, tell you the character of each child, that you may know how to manage their different tempers; but you will, of course, use your own discretion. If one is pointed out as a high-spirited little fellow, you may be sure that he is fond of killing flies, tying toys to the dog's tail, striking you, and crying, as if you had struck him, when he hears his mamma coming. If you are told that one of the dear boys has a turn for finding out how everything is made, and he must not be checked, as his papa intends him for a civil-engineer, you may be sure that the juvenile spirit of inquiry will be shown in pulling your work-box to pieces, unless you turn his attention to the furniture, which he should be encouraged to dissect in preference to any of your property.

The Latest Little Game.—"The duchess is looking awfully pleased with herself this evenin'. What's the matter?" "What! Haven't you heard? Why, she's just been made editor of the pet poodle page in theUpper Crust Magazine!"

When you have a baby to take care of, some say you should be particular in its food; but if the child cries you have no time for this, and you must stop its mouth with anything that comes handiest. Indiscriminate feeding is said to lay the foundation of diseases which remain with the child through life; but as you do not remain with the child so long, this is not your business. A nurse who knows thoroughly what she is about, will keep a little Godfrey's Cordial, or some other opiate, always at hand—but quite out of sight—to soothe the infant; for nothing is so distressing to the mother, or such a nuisance to yourself, as to hear a child continually crying. When there is only one infant these soothing syrups must be cautiously applied, lest the necessity for a nurse should terminate altogether, and you are thrown out of your situation.

Nervous Player (deprecatingly playing card).—"I really don't know what to play. I'm afraid I've made a fool of myself."Partner (re-assuringly)."That's all right. I don't see what else you could have done!"

An infant sometimes requires example before it will take to its food, and, as it is very nice, you may as well eat one half of it first, to encourage the infant to eat the other. Use sugar in children's food very sparingly, and, lest the infant be tempted to want some of the sugar that is saved out of the quantity allowed, lose no time in locking it up out of sight in your own tea-caddy. If you wish to save your beer-money, recollect that milk is heavy for children, unless mixed copiously with water. As nothing ought to be wasted, you can drink what remains, instead of beer, at your dinner.

There are many very troublesome duties that some nurses undertake in order to amuse the child; but as Nature is acknowledged to be the best nurse, you had better let Nature try her hand at all the hard work, while you confine yourself to that which is easy.

When a child reaches a certain age it will begin to want amusement, when, if there are no toys, you may give it the poker and tongs, or set it down on the floor before the coal-scuttle. Opening and shutting a box is also an amusement; as it involves occasionally the shutting in of the child's own fingers, the operation combines instruction also. As a child may be troublesome while being washed, give it the powder-puff; and as every thing goes to the mouth, the dear little thing will commence sucking the powder-puff, which will keep it quiet.

WORKING OUT THEIR OWN SALIVATIONThis is not a feast of "funeral baked meats." It is a party of hygienic enthusiasts, following the system by which all food is masticated eighty-five times and then allowed to remain in the mouth till it disappears by involuntary absorption.

WORKING OUT THEIR OWN SALIVATION

This is not a feast of "funeral baked meats." It is a party of hygienic enthusiasts, following the system by which all food is masticated eighty-five times and then allowed to remain in the mouth till it disappears by involuntary absorption.

A very interesting age in children is when they begin "to take notice." When taking a walk with the children it cannot be expected that you can always have your eyes onthem, and you must therefore accustom them to take care of themselves as much as possible. Besides, self-preservation is the first law of Nature, and a child cannot too soon be taught to follow it. Thus, if you are looking about you and the children get into the road, while a carriage is passing, you will probably not be aware of their danger, till it is past, when you will begin slapping and scolding your little charges that they may know better for the future.

It is a very fine thing to encourage generosity in children, and you should therefore talk a great deal about the presents you have received on birth-days and on other occasions from the little dears in the place where you last lived. This will of course give your mistress a hint as to what she ought to do. For the children will naturally ask to be allowed to make you presents, and the parents not liking to check the amiable feeling, and desirous of not being thought shabby in comparison with your former employers, will no doubt give—through the hands of the children—what you may have occasion for.

Hostess (introducing first violin to sporting and non-musical guest)."This is Professor Jingelheim, who leads the quartet, you know."Sporting Guest (thinking to be highly complimentary)."Leads—eh—ah—by several lengths, eh—and the rest nowhere! What?"

If you have nephews and nieces you may supply them with many little articles of dress that are pronounced to be "past mending." If your mistress notices that the stock of children's things diminish, you can suggest that "things won't wear for ever," which often passes as an apology for a sensible diminution in the number of socks and pinafores. You may observe that Master So-and-So is such "a spirited little fellow, that he does wear his things out very fast," and your mistress will be satisfied if she thinks her child's spirit has caused half his wardrobe to evaporate.

If you follow all these instructions to the letter, you will make as good a nursery-maid as the best of them.

Hint to Housemaids.—How to destroy flies—encourage spiders.

A Matter of Habit.—Lady (engaging new cook)."One thing more. I always like my servants to dress quietly."Applicant."Oh, there won't be any trouble about that, ma'am. I've got a quiet taste myself."

NATURAL RELIGIONBishop (reproving delinquent page)."Wretched boy!Whois it that sees and hears all we do, and before whomeven Iam but as a crushed worm?"Page."The missus, my lord!"

NATURAL RELIGION

Bishop (reproving delinquent page)."Wretched boy!Whois it that sees and hears all we do, and before whomeven Iam but as a crushed worm?"Page."The missus, my lord!"

Bishop (reproving delinquent page)."Wretched boy!Whois it that sees and hears all we do, and before whomeven Iam but as a crushed worm?"

Page."The missus, my lord!"

"A Fellow-feeling makes us Wondrous Kind."—"What! going to leave us, James?" "Yes, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, but I really can't put up with missus any longer!" "Ah, James! think how longI've put up with her!"

"Yes, she's a nice girl; but I can't get on with her. She has so little to say for herself.""Oh, butI've been talking to her for the last hour, and she doesn't interrupt. Now, that's what I think so charming!"

"Yes, she's a nice girl; but I can't get on with her. She has so little to say for herself."

"Oh, butI've been talking to her for the last hour, and she doesn't interrupt. Now, that's what I think so charming!"

Impossible!—He (relating a thrilling experience),"If I hadn't skipped to one side, I should have been run over! I assure you I had avery narrowescape!"

She (having played a little thing for Bertram)."I hope you didn't hear the wrong note!"Bertram (thinking to be complimentary)."Which one?"

Things One Would Wish To Have Expressed Differently.—(Our semi-detached neighbours.)Grace."And yet, dear, how little we have seen of each other lately—considering there is only a partition-wall between us!"Emily."But then, dear, it is such a comfort to feel that you are on the other side!"

Mistress (about to engage a new housemaid)."Have you had any experience?"Applicant."Oh yes, mum. I've been in'undredsof sitiwations!"

Something New.—Young Ass."Aw—I'm bored to death with life!"She."Why don't you do something?"Young Ass."Aw—there's nothing worth doing that I haven't tried."She."Isn't there? Theremustbe.Try and think."

Bric à Brac.—Lady Crœsus."Oh, what a sweet table! Where did you get it, my dear? Oh, I see here's the man's card." (Spelling the label.) "'Table—Louis Quinze.' Louis Quinzey! What a horrid name! and why hasn't he put his address?"

Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and talked about himself the whole time)."Yes, I'm sorry to say I'm a martyr to insomnia. I've tried everything, but I cannot get sleep at night!"His Hostess (sweetly)."Oh, but I can tell you a very simple remedy. You should talk to yourself—after going to bed!"

Mr. Boreham (who has already stayed over an hour and talked about himself the whole time)."Yes, I'm sorry to say I'm a martyr to insomnia. I've tried everything, but I cannot get sleep at night!"

His Hostess (sweetly)."Oh, but I can tell you a very simple remedy. You should talk to yourself—after going to bed!"

Miss Withers (showing photograph of herself)."I'm afraid it's rather faded."Binks (inexperienced, aged nineteen)."Yes, but it's just like you."

Miss Withers (showing photograph of herself)."I'm afraid it's rather faded."

Binks (inexperienced, aged nineteen)."Yes, but it's just like you."

In the Picture Gallery of the Earls of Longline.—Sir Peter Stodgely.—"Curious thing your family should all be took in fancy dress! I s'pose they're all by the same man, eh?"

Our Domestics.—"Listen Jack. I've put down 'kitchen and scullery maids kept; only two in family; beer allowed; no dairy; extra help when required.' Now, can you suggest any other inducement I can offer?" "Well—you might add 'charming scenery!'"

"——BUT THOSE UNHEARD ARE SWEETER"Scene—A Boarding-house.Wife."Why do you always sit at the piano, David? You know you can't play a note!"David."Neither can anyone else, while I am here!"

"——BUT THOSE UNHEARD ARE SWEETER"Scene—A Boarding-house.

Wife."Why do you always sit at the piano, David? You know you can't play a note!"David."Neither can anyone else, while I am here!"

Wife."Why do you always sit at the piano, David? You know you can't play a note!"

David."Neither can anyone else, while I am here!"

Hostess."Please don't leave off, Miss Jessop."Miss J."But shan't I bore you? It is possible to have too much of a good thing, you know."Hostess."Yes; but that doesn't apply toyourplaying!"

What Shall we do with our Boys?—Father."Now, Sir William, I want Jack to go into business—his mother wants him to read for the Bar. Jack's undecided. What do you advise?"Sir William Grubbe."You go into business, my boy. See what it's made me!"Jack (emphatically)."Oh, Sir William, I've quite decided to take the mater's advice."

New Maidservant (much pleased with herself).A gentleman called to see you, sir, and said as he were just leavin' town for some time. Knowin' as you didn't want to be disturbed this morning, I told him as you washout—

"A PAGE DRAWING"

Master.Quite right. (To himself) Sharp girl this!

New Maid (cheerfully)—and told him as I didn't know when you'd be back again. 'Is card's in the 'all, sir. He 'ave wrote somethin' on it.

[She fetches it, returns, and presents it.

SNUBBINGHe."Sorry I forgot your party the other evening!"She."Oh, weren't you there?"

SNUBBING

He."Sorry I forgot your party the other evening!"She."Oh, weren't you there?"

He."Sorry I forgot your party the other evening!"

She."Oh, weren't you there?"

Master (reads writing on card, then suddenly springing up, exclaims)Oh—(stops the escape of a very strong expletive)—How long ago?

New Maid (cheerfully).Oh, quite ahour. There was luggidge on the cab.

Master (subsiding hopelessly in chair, to Maid).You can go. (Alone, grinding his teeth.) Confound the idiot! (Reads card muttering to himself.)Snooker Poole, Chork Cottage, Kew. "Called to repay coin personally. Sorry to miss you. So long!" I shall never see my hundred and fifty again!... That's the worst of new servants!

[He is left considering whether it would not be as well to alter the form of his instructions to the hand-maiden. Scene closes.

The Boastfulness of Belinda.—Arabella (concluding the description of the magnificence of her employer's home).And in the servants' 'all we 'as 'ot plovers' heggs ev'ry mornin' for brekfist.

Belinda.That's nothin'. At hour 'ouse hall the fires is laid with reel sparrow-grass sticks instead of wood!

[Arabella dries up.

Inexperienced and anxious Young Mistress."The new housemaid, Maria, is a Roman Catholic but I hope you will not allow any religious controversy in the servants' hall."Cook (with much dignity)."You needn't have any fear, my lady. In really 'igh class families religion isnevermentioned!"

Inexperienced and anxious Young Mistress."The new housemaid, Maria, is a Roman Catholic but I hope you will not allow any religious controversy in the servants' hall."

Cook (with much dignity)."You needn't have any fear, my lady. In really 'igh class families religion isnevermentioned!"

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