The DramaThe Drama.Æsthetic Critic(at the club, after the theatre). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than thedénoûmentinRomeo and Juliet? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could——"Cynical Old Bachelor(who has evidently never read the play). "Um—'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"
Æsthetic Critic(at the club, after the theatre). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than thedénoûmentinRomeo and Juliet? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could——"
Cynical Old Bachelor(who has evidently never read the play). "Um—'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"
They applaud anythingDistinguished Amateur(about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people). "Oh, Idofeel so nervous!"Sympathetic Friend."Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaudanything!"
Distinguished Amateur(about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people). "Oh, Idofeel so nervous!"Sympathetic Friend."Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaudanything!"
Maiden's Point of ViewThe Maiden's Point of View.Mamma(to Maud, who has been with her brother to the play, and is full of it). "But was there nolovein the piece, then?"Maud."Love?Oh dear no, mamma. The principal characters werehusband and wife, you know!"
Mamma(to Maud, who has been with her brother to the play, and is full of it). "But was there nolovein the piece, then?"Maud."Love?Oh dear no, mamma. The principal characters werehusband and wife, you know!"
COMEDIE FRANÇAISEA COMEDIE FRANÇAISEJones(who understands French so well, although he does not speak it),reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety:—"'Le Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gendershouldthe man be, I should like to know!"
Jones(who understands French so well, although he does not speak it),reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety:—"'Le Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gendershouldthe man be, I should like to know!"
Those Who Live in Glass Houses"Those Who Live in Glass Houses,"Etc.The Bishop."I hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't it?"Lady Godiva."Yes—a—but I dislike those bare-backed performances. They're so risky, you know!"
The Bishop."I hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady Godiva. That was a wonderful performance of Mlle. Petitpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't it?"
Lady Godiva."Yes—a—but I dislike those bare-backed performances. They're so risky, you know!"
cold audienceA very cold audience.(Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)
(Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)
NO COMPRENNYA CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY""Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!""A—no—I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French plays!""Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?""A—I beg your pardon?""Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?""A—quite so! No doubt! A—by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"
"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"
"A—no—I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French plays!"
"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Français, alors?"
"A—I beg your pardon?"
"Je vous demande si vous savez le Français, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Crétin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous êtes?"
"A—quite so! No doubt! A—by the bye, have you seen Jones lately?"
Scene—Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown, Jones, and Robinson.
Scene—Refreshment Saloon at a London Theatre. A three-play bill forms the evening's entertainment. First Act over. Enter Brown, Jones, and Robinson.
Brown.Well, really a very pleasant little piece. Quite amusing. Yes; I think I will have a cup of coffee or a glass of lemonade. Too soon after dinner for anything stronger.
Jones.Yes, and really, after laughing so much, one gets a thirst for what they call light refreshments. I will have some ginger-beer.
Robinson.Well, I think I will stick to iced-water. You know the Americans are very fond of that. They always take it at meal-times, and really after that capitaléquivoqueone feels quite satisfied. (They are served by the bar attendant.) That was really very funny, where he hides behind the door when she is not looking.
[Laughs at the recollection.
Brown.And when the uncle sits down upon the band-box and crushes the canary-cage!
[Chuckles.
Jones.Most clever. But there goes the bell, and the curtain will be up directly. Rather clever, I am told. TheRose of Rouen—it is founded on the life ofJoan of Arc. I am rather fond of these historical studies.
Brown.So am I. They are very interesting.
Robinson.Do you think so? Well, so far as I am concerned, I prefer melodrama. Judging from the title,The Gory Handshould be uncommonly good.
[Exeunt into Theatre. After a pause they return to the Refreshment Room.
Brown.Well, it is very clever; but I confess it beats me. (To bar attendant.) We will all take soda-water. No, thanks, quite neat, and for these gentlemen too.
Jones.Well, I call it a most excellent psychological study. However, wants a clear head to understand it. (Sips his soda-water.) I don't see how she can take the flag from the Bishop, and yet want to marry the Englishman.
Robinson.Ah, but that was before the vision.If you think it over carefully, you will see it was natural enough. Of course, you must allow for the spirit of the period, and other surrounding circumstances.
Brown.Are you going to stay forThe Gory Hand?
Jones.Not I. I am tired of play-acting, and think we have had enough of it.
Robinson.Well, I think I shall look in. I am rather fond of strong scenes, and it should be good, to judge from the programme.
Jones.Well, we will "sit out." It's rather gruesome. Quite different from the other plays.
Robinson.Well, I don't mind horrors—in fact, like them. There goes the bell. So I am off. Wait until I come back.
Brown.That depends how long you are away. Ta, ta!
[Exit Robinson.
Jones.Now, how a fellow can enjoy a piece like that, I cannot understand. It is full of murders, from the rise to the fall of the curtain.
Brown.Yes—but Robinson likes that sort of thing. You will see by-and-by how the plot will affect him. It is rather jumpy, especially at theend, when the severed head tells the story of the murder to the assistant executioner. I would not see it again on any account.
Jones.No—it sent my maiden aunt in hysterics. However, it has the merit of being short. (Applause.) Ah, there it's over! Let's see how Robinson likes it. Thattableauat the end, of the starving-coastguardsman expiring under the rack, is perfectly awful! (Enter Robinson, staggering in.) Why, my boy, what's the matter?
Brown.You do look scared! Have something to drink? That will set it all to-rights!
Robinson(with his eyes protruding from his head, from horror). Help, help! help! (After a long shudder.) Brandy! Brandy!! Brandy!!!
[At all the places at the bar there is a general demand for alcohol.
Brown.Yes. Irving was right; soda-water does very well for Shakspeare's histories, but when you come to a piece likeThe Bells, you require supporting.
[Curtain and moral.
the smallest giantManager of "Freak" Show."Have I got a vacancy for a giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"Candidate."Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"
Manager of "Freak" Show."Have I got a vacancy for a giant? Why, you don't look five feet!"
Candidate."Yes, that's just it. I'm the smallest giant on record!"
Irresistible AppealAn Irresistible Appeal.Mrs. Blokey(who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the stage—and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's agreat griefto us,I assureyou, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in your next piece!"
Mrs. Blokey(who has called with a letter of introduction on Mr. Roscius Lamborn, the famous actor and manager). "And I've brought you my son, who's breakin' his mother's 'art, Mr. Lamborn! He insists on givin' up the city and goin' on the stage—and his father an alderman and 'im in his father's business, and all the family thought of so 'ighly in Clapham! It's agreat griefto us,I assureyou, Mr. Lamborn! Oh! if you could only dissuade 'im! But it's too late for that, I'm afraid, so p'raps you wouldn't mind givin' him a leadin' part in your next piece!"
a nasty one for ShakspeareWhat our Dramatist has to put up with.His Wife(reading a Sunday paper). "A propos of Hamlet, they say here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic art!"He."Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"
His Wife(reading a Sunday paper). "A propos of Hamlet, they say here that you and Shakspeare represent the very opposite poles of the dramatic art!"
He."Ah! that's a nasty one for Shakspeare!"
OVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATREOVERHEARD OUTSIDE A THEATRE"Yah! Waitin' ter see derkidsplay!"
"Yah! Waitin' ter see derkidsplay!"
two long yearsActor(excitedly). "Fortwolongyearshave I——"A Voice from above."So you 'ave, guv'nor!"
Actor(excitedly). "Fortwolongyearshave I——"
A Voice from above."So you 'ave, guv'nor!"
STUDYSTUDYOf an ancient buck at a modern burlesque
Of an ancient buck at a modern burlesque
COLOURED CLERGYCOLOURED CLERGY(A Memory of St. James's Hall)Uncle(can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing). "Who do you say they are, my dear!—Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no doubt, my dear!!"
(A Memory of St. James's Hall)
Uncle(can't see so well as he did, and a little hard of hearing). "Who do you say they are, my dear!—Christian ministers? 'Ncom'ly kind of 'em to give a concert, to be sure! For a charitable purpose, I've no doubt, my dear!!"
SUPEREROGATIONSUPEREROGATIONCountry Maid(having first seen "missus" and the children into a cab). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane Theat——?"Crabbed Old Cabby(with expression of ineffable contempt). "Do I know! Kim aup——!"
Country Maid(having first seen "missus" and the children into a cab). "O, coachman, do you know the principal entrance to Drury Lane Theat——?"
Crabbed Old Cabby(with expression of ineffable contempt). "Do I know! Kim aup——!"
Lesh avanotherJones(alluding to the song). "Not bad; but I think the girl might have put a little morespiritinto it with advantage."Lushington."Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"
Jones(alluding to the song). "Not bad; but I think the girl might have put a little morespiritinto it with advantage."
Lushington."Jush 't I was thinkin'. Lesh avanother!"
After the TheatricalsAfter the Theatricals."What on earth made you tell that appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"
"What on earth made you tell that appalling little cad that he ought to have trod the boards of ancient Greece! You surely didn't really admire his acting?" "Oh no! But, you know, the Greek actors used to wear masks!"
What's a stall at the hopera"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?""Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."
"Jemmy! What's a stall at the hopera?"
"Well, I can't say, not for certain; but I suppose it's where they sells the happles, horanges, ginger-beer, and biskits."
give us your ticket"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."
"Please, sir! give us your ticket if you aint agoin' in again."
DOMESTIC DRAMAA DOMESTIC DRAMA"Admit two to the boxes."
"Admit two to the boxes."
PROGRESSPROGRESSYoung Rustic."Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"Senior(after a pause). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday skewl, and don't know that!"
Young Rustic."Gran'fa'r, who was Shylock?"
Senior(after a pause). "Lauk a' mussy, bo', yeou goo to Sunday skewl, and don't know that!"
flesh would melt"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt!"—Act I., Sc. 2.
a tail unfold"I could a tail unfold!"—Ibid.
What a falling off was there"What a falling off was there!"—Ibid.
I scent the morning hair"Methinks I scent the morning hair!"—Ibid.
Brief let me be"Brief let me be!"—Ibid.
Lend thy serious ear-ring"Lend thy serious ear-ring to what I shall unfold!"—Act I., Sc. 5.
Toby, or not Toby"Toby, or not Toby? that is the question."—Act II., Sc. 2.
The King, sir"The King, sir."—"Ay, sir, what of him?"—"Is in his retirement marvellous distempered."—"With drink, sir!"—"No, my lord, rather with collar!"—Act III., Sc. 2.
my offence is rank"Oh, my offence is rank!"—Act III., Sc. 3.
tis for the head"Put your bonnet to his right use—'tis for the head."—Act V., Sc. 2.
Coming Events"Coming Events cast their Shadows before them."Domesticated Wife."Oh, George, I wish you'd just——"Talented Husband(author of various successful comic songs for music halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti). "Oh, for goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother menow! You mightseeI'm trying to work out somequitenew lines for the fairy in the transformation scene of the pantomime!"
Domesticated Wife."Oh, George, I wish you'd just——"Talented Husband(author of various successful comic songs for music halls, writer of pantomimes and variety-show libretti). "Oh, for goodness sake, Lucy, don't bother menow! You mightseeI'm trying to work out somequitenew lines for the fairy in the transformation scene of the pantomime!"
A SENSITIVE EARA SENSITIVE EAR.Intelligent Briton."But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"Mademoiselle."Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite English blank verse!"Intelligent Briton."Of course not. I meanFrenchblank verse—the blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Molière!"Mademoiselle."Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"[Briton still tries to look intelligent.
Intelligent Briton."But we have no theatre, no actors worthy of the name, mademoiselle! Why, the English delivery of blank verse is simply torture to an ear accustomed to hear it given its full beauty and significance by a Bernhardt or a Coquelin!"
Mademoiselle."Indeed? I have never heard Bernhardt or Coquelin recite English blank verse!"
Intelligent Briton."Of course not. I meanFrenchblank verse—the blank verse of Corneille, Racine, Molière!"
Mademoiselle."Oh, monsieur, there is no such thing!"
[Briton still tries to look intelligent.
Drew wry laneDrew wry lane
Cove in gardenCove in garden
Cry-teary 'unCry-teary 'un
Prints of whalesPrints of whales
A—mark it!"A—mark it!"
Gay at teaGay at tea
Princesses and royal teaPrincesses and royal tea
GlobeGlobe
Scent, James?"Scent, James?"
Strand and save, hoi!Strand and "save, hoi!"
Only in play!Only in play!
The actor who has his head turnedThe actor who has his head turned with applause
CURTAIN-RAISERSCURTAIN-RAISERSExtract from Ethel's correspondence:—"At the last moment something went wrong with the curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescuenobly!"
Extract from Ethel's correspondence:—"At the last moment something went wrong with the curtain, and we had to do without one! It was awful! But the Rector explained matters to the front row, and they came to the rescuenobly!"
there was a sleep-walking scene"Well, how did the new play go off last night?""Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather effective." "À la Lady Macbeth, eh?""Well—not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and walked out!"
"Well, how did the new play go off last night?"
"Oh, there was a sleep-walking scene in the third act that was rather effective." "À la Lady Macbeth, eh?"
"Well—not exactly. It was the audience that got up in its sleep and walked out!"
Lion ComiqueMUSIC HALL TYPESI.—The "Lion Comique"
I.—The "Lion Comique"
The SerioMUSIC HALL TYPESII.—The "Serio"
II.—The "Serio"
Refined ComedianMUSIC HALL TYPESIII.—The "Refined Comedian"
III.—The "Refined Comedian"
On TourOn Tour.Heavy Tragedian."Do you let apartments to—ah—the profession?"Unsophisticated Landlady."Oh, yes, sir. Why, last week we had the performing dogs here!"
Heavy Tragedian."Do you let apartments to—ah—the profession?"Unsophisticated Landlady."Oh, yes, sir. Why, last week we had the performing dogs here!"
Art and NatureArt and Nature.(Overheard during the Private Theatricals.)She."How well your wife playsLady Geraldine, Mr. Jones. I think the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. Howdoesshe manage it?"Mr. Jones(with embarrassment). "Er—she doesn't. That's her natural voice."
(Overheard during the Private Theatricals.)
She."How well your wife playsLady Geraldine, Mr. Jones. I think the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. Howdoesshe manage it?"
Mr. Jones(with embarrassment). "Er—she doesn't. That's her natural voice."
CONVINCINGCONVINCING
FINIS
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.