MIXED BATHINGMIXED BATHINGFussy Landlady(to new Lodger). "Well, sir, if you'll only tell me when you want a bath,I'll see you have it."
Fussy Landlady(to new Lodger). "Well, sir, if you'll only tell me when you want a bath,I'll see you have it."
(A Gasp and a Growl from Paterfamilias Fogey)
(A Gasp and a Growl from Paterfamilias Fogey)
cartoon
In for it here,Six weeks or more,Once every year(Yah, what a bore!)Daughters and wifeForce me to bideMad to "see life"By the seaside!Go out of townWhat if we do?Hither comes downAll the world too;Vanity Fair,Fashion and Pride,Seeking fresh airBy the seaside.Drest up all hands—Raiment how dear!—Down on the sands,Out on the Pier,Pace to and fro,See, as at Ryde,Off how they showBy the seaside!
In for it here,Six weeks or more,Once every year(Yah, what a bore!)Daughters and wifeForce me to bideMad to "see life"By the seaside!
In for it here,
Six weeks or more,
Once every year
(Yah, what a bore!)
Daughters and wife
Force me to bide
Mad to "see life"
By the seaside!
Go out of townWhat if we do?Hither comes downAll the world too;Vanity Fair,Fashion and Pride,Seeking fresh airBy the seaside.
Go out of town
What if we do?
Hither comes down
All the world too;
Vanity Fair,
Fashion and Pride,
Seeking fresh air
By the seaside.
Drest up all hands—Raiment how dear!—Down on the sands,Out on the Pier,Pace to and fro,See, as at Ryde,Off how they showBy the seaside!
Drest up all hands—
Raiment how dear!—
Down on the sands,
Out on the Pier,
Pace to and fro,
See, as at Ryde,
Off how they show
By the seaside!
TORQUAYTORQUAY (TALKEY)
Fops and fine girls,Swarm, brisk as bees;Ribbons and curlsFloat on the breeze;Females and malesEye and are eyed;Ogling prevailsBy the seaside!Daughters may seeSome fun in that.Wife, how can she,Grown old and fat?Scene I surveyBut to deride,Idle displayBy the seaside.Views within reach,Picturesque scenes,Rocks on the beach,Bathing machines,Shingle and pools,Left by the tide,Youth, far from schools,By the seaside.HASTINGSHASTINGSArtists may sketch,Draw and design,Pencil, or etch;Not in my line.Money, no end,Whilst I am tiedHere, I must spend,By the seaside!
Fops and fine girls,Swarm, brisk as bees;Ribbons and curlsFloat on the breeze;Females and malesEye and are eyed;Ogling prevailsBy the seaside!
Fops and fine girls,
Swarm, brisk as bees;
Ribbons and curls
Float on the breeze;
Females and males
Eye and are eyed;
Ogling prevails
By the seaside!
Daughters may seeSome fun in that.Wife, how can she,Grown old and fat?Scene I surveyBut to deride,Idle displayBy the seaside.
Daughters may see
Some fun in that.
Wife, how can she,
Grown old and fat?
Scene I survey
But to deride,
Idle display
By the seaside.
Views within reach,Picturesque scenes,Rocks on the beach,Bathing machines,Shingle and pools,Left by the tide,Youth, far from schools,By the seaside.HASTINGSHASTINGS
Views within reach,
Picturesque scenes,
Rocks on the beach,
Bathing machines,
Shingle and pools,
Left by the tide,
Youth, far from schools,
By the seaside.
HASTINGSHASTINGS
Artists may sketch,Draw and design,Pencil, or etch;Not in my line.Money, no end,Whilst I am tiedHere, I must spend,By the seaside!
Artists may sketch,
Draw and design,
Pencil, or etch;
Not in my line.
Money, no end,
Whilst I am tied
Here, I must spend,
By the seaside!
'ave a bit of supperSnooks(to new acquaintance). "Tell yer what, look in one evenin' and 'ave a bit of supper, if you don't mind 'avin it in the kitchen. Yer see, we're plain people, and don't put on no side. Of course, I know as a toff like you 'ud 'ave it in thedrawing-room!"
Snooks(to new acquaintance). "Tell yer what, look in one evenin' and 'ave a bit of supper, if you don't mind 'avin it in the kitchen. Yer see, we're plain people, and don't put on no side. Of course, I know as a toff like you 'ud 'ave it in thedrawing-room!"
GENTILITY IN GREENSGENTILITY IN GREENSMrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago.Greengrocer."Cabbage, mum!? We don't keep no second-class vegetables, mum. You'll get it at the lower end o' the town!"
Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago.
Greengrocer."Cabbage, mum!? We don't keep no second-class vegetables, mum. You'll get it at the lower end o' the town!"
KINGSWEARKINGSWEAR
Tom Jones(in love). The most heavenly place I ever was in. The sun is warmer, the sky bluer, the sea the calmest I ever knew. Joy sparkles on every pebble; Art spreads its welcome arms through every spray of seaweed. True happiness encircles me on every breeze, and Beauty is by my side.
Old Jones.Beastly slow. All sea and sky, and ugly round stones. You can't bask in the sun because there is none—it's always raining—and because the flints worry your back. Confound the children, scraping up the wet sand and smelling seaweeds! It must be time for them to go to bed or to lessons or something. Wherever you sit there is sure to be a draught, and such heaps of old women you can't put your legs up on theseat. Hang it all, there isn't a young girl in the place, let alone pretty ones.
O-SHUN SHELLSO-SHUN SHELLS!
Young Brown(waiting for a Commission). Awfully dull. Quite too excessively detestable. Not a fellow to talk to, you know, who knows anything about the Leger, or draw-poker, or modern education, you know. Can't get introduced to Lady Tom Peeper. Nobody to do it. Wish my moustache would curl. Pull it all day, you know, but it won't come. Lady Tom smiled, on the Parade to-day. Got very red, but I shall smile too to-morrow. A man must do something in this dreadful place.
A SANDY COVEA SANDY COVE
Major Brown(Heavies). Not half bad kind of diggings. Quite in clover. Found Lydia here—I mean Lady Tom Peeper. Horribly satirical woman, though. Keeps one up to the mark. I shall have to read up to keep pace with her. I shouldn't like to be chaffed by her. Better friend than enemy. Poor Tom Peeper! he must have abad time of it! Can't say "Bo" to a gosling. And she knows it. That's why he never comes down here. Coast clear. Fancy she's rather sweet on me. By Jove! we had a forty-mile-an-hour-express flirtation before her marriage! Must take care what I'm about now. Mustn't have a collision with Tom—good old man, after all, if he is a fool. Take this note round, Charles, to the same place.
CUTTER ON THE BEECHA CUTTER ON THE BEECH
Mrs. Robinson(Materfamilias). Scarcely room to swing a cot, for baby. Thank goodness, all the children are on the beach. I hope Mary Ann won't let out to the other nurses that Totty had the scarlet fever. He's quite well now, poor little man, and no one will be any the worse for it. Horrid! of course. No, it is not a Colorado beetle, Robinson. They infest the curtains; we did not bring them with us in our trunks. Do go out and buy some insect-powder, instead of looking stupid behind that nasty cigar. Oh, and get some soap and some tooth-powder, and order baby's tonic, and Jane's iron—mind, sesqui-sulphate of iron (Isuppose I must find the prescription), and a box of—what's that stuff for sore throats? And do hire a perambulator with a hood. And we have no dessert for to-morrow—you know, or you ought to know, it's Sunday. Some fruit, and what you like. Oh! and don't forget some biscuits for the dog. What has become of Tiny? Tiny! Tiny! I know he did not go with the children. I dare say he has eaten something horrid, and is dying under a chair. Dear! dear! who would be mother of a family with such a careless, thoughtless, quite too utterly selfish husband as you are. Of course you never remembered to-day was my birthday. I ought never to have been born. A bracelet or a pair of ear-rings—or, by the way, I saw a lovely châtelaine on the Parade. You might find enough to give me one pleasure since our wedding.
Robinson(Paterfamilias). I like the seaside, I do. When will it be over?
A FRAGMENTA FRAGMENTAugustus knows a certain snug retreat—A little rocky cavern by the sea—Where, sheltered from the rain (and every eye),He fondly hopes to breathe his tale of loveInto his artless Arabella's ear!...
Augustus knows a certain snug retreat—A little rocky cavern by the sea—Where, sheltered from the rain (and every eye),He fondly hopes to breathe his tale of loveInto his artless Arabella's ear!...
A NEW SENSATIONLONGING FOR A NEW SENSATIONJack(a naughty boy, who is always in disgrace, and most deservedly). "I say, Effie, do you know what I should like? I should like to be accused of something I'd never done!"
Jack(a naughty boy, who is always in disgrace, and most deservedly). "I say, Effie, do you know what I should like? I should like to be accused of something I'd never done!"
A LAMENTA LAMENTDowager."It's been the worst season I can remember, Sir James! All the men seem to have got married, and none of the girls!"
Dowager."It's been the worst season I can remember, Sir James! All the men seem to have got married, and none of the girls!"
JOYS OF THE SEASIDEJOYS OF THE SEASIDEBrown."What beastly weather! And the glass is going steadily down!"Local Tradesman."Oh, that's nothing, sir. The glass has no effect whatever onourpart of the coast!"
Brown."What beastly weather! And the glass is going steadily down!"
Local Tradesman."Oh, that's nothing, sir. The glass has no effect whatever onourpart of the coast!"
BROAD-STARESBROAD-STARES
Scene—Any fashionable Watering-place where "Church Parade" is a recognised institution.
Time—Sunday, 1p.m.EnterBrownandMrs. Brown,who take chairs.
Mrs. Brown.Good gracious! Look another way! Those odious people, the Stiggingses, are coming towards us!
Brown.Why odious? I think the girls rather nice.
Mrs. B.(contemptuously). Oh,youwould, because men are so easily taken in! Nice, indeed! Why, here's Major Buttons.
B.(moving his head sharply to the right). Don't see him! Can't stand the fellow! I always avoid him at the Club!
Mrs. B.Why? Soldiers are always such pleasant men.
B.(contemptuously). Buttons a soldier! Years ago he was a Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the Volunteers! Soldier, indeed! Bless me! here's Mrs. Fitz-Flummery—mind you don't cut her.
Mrs. B.Yes, I shall; the woman is unsupportable. Did you ever seesucha dress. And she has changed the colour of her hair—again!
CURLEWCURLEW
B.Whether she has or hasn't, she looks particularly pleasing.
Mrs. B.(drily). You were always a little eccentric in your taste! Why, surely there must be Mr. Pennyfather Robson. How smart he looks! Wherecanhe have come from?
B.The Bankruptcy Court! (Drily.) You were never particularly famous for discrimination. As I live, the Plantagenet Smiths!
[He bows with effusion.
Mrs. B.And the Stuart Joneses. (She kisses herhand gushingly). By the way, dear, didn't you say that the Plantagenet Smiths were suspected of murdering their uncle before they inherited his property?
ROW ME OROW ME O!
B.So it is reported, darling. And didn't you tell me, my own, that the parents of Mr. Stuart Jones were convicts before they became millionaires?
Mrs. B.So I have heard, loved one. (Starting up.) Come, Charley, we must be off at once! The Goldharts! If they catch us,sheis sure to ask me to visit some of her sick poor!
B.Andheto beg me to subscribe to an orphanage or a hospital! Here, take your prayer-book, or people won't know that we have come from church!
[Exeunt hurriedly.
At Scarborough.—Miss Araminta Dove.Why do they call this the Spa?
Mr. Rhino-Ceros.Oh! I believe the place was once devoted to boxing exhibitions.
[Miss A.D. as wise as ever.
BY THE SAD SEA WAVES"BY THE SAD SEA WAVES"Landlady(who has just presented her weekly bill). "I 'ope, ma'am, as you find the bracing hair agree with you, ma'am, and your good gentleman, ma'am!"Lady."Oh, yes, our appetites are wonderfully improved! For instance, at home we only eat two loaves a day, and I find, from your account, that we can manage eight!"[Landlady feels uncomfortable.
Landlady(who has just presented her weekly bill). "I 'ope, ma'am, as you find the bracing hair agree with you, ma'am, and your good gentleman, ma'am!"
Lady."Oh, yes, our appetites are wonderfully improved! For instance, at home we only eat two loaves a day, and I find, from your account, that we can manage eight!"
[Landlady feels uncomfortable.
RATHER DIFFICULTRATHER DIFFICULT"Oh, I say, here comes that dismal bore, Bulkley! Let's pretendwe don't see him!"
"Oh, I say, here comes that dismal bore, Bulkley! Let's pretendwe don't see him!"
PESSIMISMPESSIMISMArtist(irritated by the preliminaries of composition and the too close proximity of an uninteresting native). "I think you needn't wait any longer. There's really nothing to look at just now."Native."Ay, an' I doot there'llneverbe muckle to look at there!"
Artist(irritated by the preliminaries of composition and the too close proximity of an uninteresting native). "I think you needn't wait any longer. There's really nothing to look at just now."
Native."Ay, an' I doot there'llneverbe muckle to look at there!"
(A Song for the Seaside)
(A Song for the Seaside)
TThe Donkey-Boys of England, how merrily they fly,With pleasant chaff upon the tongue and cunning in the eye.And oh! the donkeys in a mass how patiently they stand,High on the heath of Hampstead, or down on Ramsgate's sand.The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they reproveThe brute that won't "come over", with an impressive shove;And oh! the eel-like animals, how gracefully they swerveFrom side to side, but won't advance to spoil true beauty's curve.The Donkey-Boys of England, how manfully they fight,When a probable donkestrian comes suddenly in sight;From nurse's arms the babies are clutch'd with fury wild,And on a donkey carried off the mother sees her child.The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they defyThe pleadings of a parent's shriek, the infant's piercing cry;As a four-year-oldMazeppais hurried from the spot,Exposed to all the tortures of a donkey's fitful trot.The Donkey-Boys of England, how lustily they scream,When they strive to keep together their donkeys in a team;And the riders who are anxious to be class'd among genteels,Have a crowd of ragged Donkey-boys "hallooing" at their heels.The Donkey-Boys of England, how well they comprehendThe animal to whom they act as master, guide, and friend;The understanding that exists between them who'll dispute—Or that the larger share of it falls sometimes to the brute?
TThe Donkey-Boys of England, how merrily they fly,With pleasant chaff upon the tongue and cunning in the eye.And oh! the donkeys in a mass how patiently they stand,High on the heath of Hampstead, or down on Ramsgate's sand.
T
The Donkey-Boys of England, how merrily they fly,
With pleasant chaff upon the tongue and cunning in the eye.
And oh! the donkeys in a mass how patiently they stand,
High on the heath of Hampstead, or down on Ramsgate's sand.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they reproveThe brute that won't "come over", with an impressive shove;And oh! the eel-like animals, how gracefully they swerveFrom side to side, but won't advance to spoil true beauty's curve.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they reprove
The brute that won't "come over", with an impressive shove;
And oh! the eel-like animals, how gracefully they swerve
From side to side, but won't advance to spoil true beauty's curve.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how manfully they fight,When a probable donkestrian comes suddenly in sight;From nurse's arms the babies are clutch'd with fury wild,And on a donkey carried off the mother sees her child.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how manfully they fight,
When a probable donkestrian comes suddenly in sight;
From nurse's arms the babies are clutch'd with fury wild,
And on a donkey carried off the mother sees her child.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they defyThe pleadings of a parent's shriek, the infant's piercing cry;As a four-year-oldMazeppais hurried from the spot,Exposed to all the tortures of a donkey's fitful trot.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how sternly they defy
The pleadings of a parent's shriek, the infant's piercing cry;
As a four-year-oldMazeppais hurried from the spot,
Exposed to all the tortures of a donkey's fitful trot.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how lustily they scream,When they strive to keep together their donkeys in a team;And the riders who are anxious to be class'd among genteels,Have a crowd of ragged Donkey-boys "hallooing" at their heels.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how lustily they scream,
When they strive to keep together their donkeys in a team;
And the riders who are anxious to be class'd among genteels,
Have a crowd of ragged Donkey-boys "hallooing" at their heels.
The Donkey-Boys of England, how well they comprehendThe animal to whom they act as master, guide, and friend;The understanding that exists between them who'll dispute—Or that the larger share of it falls sometimes to the brute?
The Donkey-Boys of England, how well they comprehend
The animal to whom they act as master, guide, and friend;
The understanding that exists between them who'll dispute—
Or that the larger share of it falls sometimes to the brute?
THE JETTYTHE JETTY
Seaside Acquaintances(Scene—The Shady Side of Pall Mall).—Snob.My Lord, you seem to forget me. Don't you recollect our meeting this summer at Harrogate?
Swell.My dear fellow, I do not forget it in the least. I recollect vividly we swore eternal friendship at Harrogate, and should it be my fate to meet you at Harrogate next year, I shall only be too happy to swear it again.
[Lifts his chapeau, and leaves Snob in a state of the most speechless amazement.
Portrait of a gentlemanPortrait of a gentleman who sent his wife and family to the seaside, followed by a later train, and left their address behind.[Sketched after five hours' futile search for them.
Portrait of a gentleman who sent his wife and family to the seaside, followed by a later train, and left their address behind.
[Sketched after five hours' futile search for them.
A VOICE FROM THE SEAA VOICE FROM THE SEA"O let me kiss him for his mother!"
"O let me kiss him for his mother!"
(By the Cynic who stays in London)
(By the Cynic who stays in London)
HA! RICH"HA! RICH!"
Because "everybody" is there, and it is consequently so pleasant to see St. John's Wood, Bayswater, and even Belgravia, so well represented on the Esplanade.
Because the shops in the King's Road arenearlyas good as those to be found in Regent Street.
Because the sea does notalwayslook like the Thames at Greenwich in a fog.
Because some of the perambulating bands play very nearly in tune.
Because the Drive from the Aquarium to the New Pier is quite a mile in length, and only grows monotonous after the tenth turn.
Because watching fish confined in tanks is such rollicking fun.
Because the Hebrews are so numerously represented on the Green.
Because the Clubs are so inexpensive and select.
Because the management of the Grand is so very admirable.
Because it is so pleasant to follow the Harriers on a hired hack in company with other hired hacks.
Because the half-deserted Skating Rinks are so very amusing.
Because it is so nice to hear second-rate scandal about third-rate people.
WESTON-SUPER-MAREWESTON-SUPER-MARE
Because the place is not always being visited by the scarlet fever.
Because it is so cheerful to see the poor invalids taking their morning airing in their bath-chairs.
Because the streets are paraded by so many young gentlemen from the City.
Because the Brighton belles look so ladylike in their quiet Ulsters and unpretending hats.
Because the suburbs are so very cheerful in the winter, particularly when it snows or rains.
Because on every holiday the Railway Company brings down such a very nice assortment of excursionists to fill the streets.
Because Brighton in November is so very like Margate in July.
Because, if you did not visit Brighton, you might so very easily go farther and fare worse.
BY THE SAD SEA WAVESSCENE—BY THE SAD SEA WAVESTomkins, disconsolate on a rock, traces some characters upon the sand.To him, Mrs. Tomkins(whose name is Martha).Mrs. T."Well, Mr. Tomkins, and pray who may Henrietta be?"[Tomkins utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate.
Tomkins, disconsolate on a rock, traces some characters upon the sand.To him, Mrs. Tomkins(whose name is Martha).
Mrs. T."Well, Mr. Tomkins, and pray who may Henrietta be?"
[Tomkins utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate.
A VIKING ON MODERN FASHIONA VIKING ON MODERN FASHION"What does t'lass want wi' yonboostlefor? It aren't big enough tosmogglethings, and she can'tsteerherself wi' it!"
"What does t'lass want wi' yonboostlefor? It aren't big enough tosmogglethings, and she can'tsteerherself wi' it!"
(By a Resident)
(By a Resident)
What does he come for?What does he want?Why does he wander thusCareworn and gaunt?Up street and down street withDull vacant stare,Hither and thither, itDon't matter where?What does he mean by it?Why does he comeHundreds of miles to prowl,Weary and glum,Blinking at Kosmos withLack-lustre eye?He doesn't enjoy it, heDon't even try!Sunny or soaking, it'sAll one to him,Wandering painfully—Curious whim!Gazing at china-shops,Gaping at sea,Guzzling at beer-shops, orGorging at tea.Why don't he stay at home,Save his train fare,Soak at his native beer,Sunday clothes wear?No one would grudge it him,No one would jeer.Why does he come away?Why is he here?
What does he come for?What does he want?Why does he wander thusCareworn and gaunt?Up street and down street withDull vacant stare,Hither and thither, itDon't matter where?
What does he come for?
What does he want?
Why does he wander thus
Careworn and gaunt?
Up street and down street with
Dull vacant stare,
Hither and thither, it
Don't matter where?
What does he mean by it?Why does he comeHundreds of miles to prowl,Weary and glum,Blinking at Kosmos withLack-lustre eye?He doesn't enjoy it, heDon't even try!
What does he mean by it?
Why does he come
Hundreds of miles to prowl,
Weary and glum,
Blinking at Kosmos with
Lack-lustre eye?
He doesn't enjoy it, he
Don't even try!
Sunny or soaking, it'sAll one to him,Wandering painfully—Curious whim!Gazing at china-shops,Gaping at sea,Guzzling at beer-shops, orGorging at tea.
Sunny or soaking, it's
All one to him,
Wandering painfully—
Curious whim!
Gazing at china-shops,
Gaping at sea,
Guzzling at beer-shops, or
Gorging at tea.
Why don't he stay at home,Save his train fare,Soak at his native beer,Sunday clothes wear?No one would grudge it him,No one would jeer.Why does he come away?Why is he here?
Why don't he stay at home,
Save his train fare,
Soak at his native beer,
Sunday clothes wear?
No one would grudge it him,
No one would jeer.
Why does he come away?
Why is he here?
BLACKPOOLBLACKPOOL
BRIGHTONBRIGHTON
MARGATEMARGATE
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDINGA SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDINGLandlady."I hope you slept well, sir?"New Boarder."No, I didn't. I've been troubled with insomnia."Landlady."Look here, young man. I'll give you a sovereign for every one you find in that bed!"
Landlady."I hope you slept well, sir?"
New Boarder."No, I didn't. I've been troubled with insomnia."
Landlady."Look here, young man. I'll give you a sovereign for every one you find in that bed!"
TOUCHING APPEALTOUCHING APPEALTesty Old Gent.(wearied by the importunities of the Brighton boatmen). "Confound it, man! Do Ilookas if I wanted a boat?"
Testy Old Gent.(wearied by the importunities of the Brighton boatmen). "Confound it, man! Do Ilookas if I wanted a boat?"
I've bin spending my long Wacation of a fortnite at Northgate.
Northgate's a nice quiet place, Northgate is, tho' it quite fails in most things that constitoots reel injoyment at the seaside, such as Bands and Niggers and Minstrels and all that.
It's a grand place for weather, for it generally blows hard at Northgate, and wen it doesn't blow hard it rains hard, which makes a nice change, and a change is wot we all goes to the seaside for.
It seems a werry favrite place for inwaleeds, for the place is full on 'em, Bath cheers is in great demand and all the seats on the Prade is allus occypied by 'em.
Dr. Scratchem too sends most of his favrite cases there, and you can't walk on the Peer without facing lots on 'em.
Brown says the place makes him as sollem as a Common Cryer, and he hasn't had a good hearty larf since he came here, but then Brown isn't quite sattisfied with his Lodgings, and has acshally recommended his Land Lady to turn her house into the Norfolk Howard Hotel,Unlimited, so perhaps she may account for his want of spirits. Northgate's rather a rum place as regards the tide. Wen it's eye it comes all over the place and makes such a jolly mess, and wen it's low it runs right out to sea and you can't see it. Brown tried to persuade me as how as one werry eye tide was a spring tide, but as it was in September I wasn't so green as to beleeve that rubbish.
It seems quite a pet place for Artists, I mean Sculpchers, at least I s'pose they must be Sculpchers, and that they brings their Moddels with 'em, for the Bathing Machines is stuck close to the Peer, so dreckly after breakfast the Moddels goes and bathes in the Sea, and the Sculpchers goes on the Peer, and there's nothink to divert their attention from their interesting studdys, and many on 'em passes ours there quietly meditating among the Bathing Machines.
Brown says, in his sarcastic way, it's the poor Sculpchers as comes here, who can't afford to pay for their Moddels, so they comes here and gets 'em free gratis for nothink.
There's sum werry nice walks in the nayberhood but I never walks 'em, for it seems to me that the grate joke of every Buysicler and Trysicler, and the place swarms with 'em, is to cum quietly behind you and see how close he can go by you without nocking you down. I'm sure the jumps and the starts and the frites as I had the fust day or too kep my Art in my mouth till I thort it would have choked me.
How Ladys, reel Ladys too, can expose theirselves on such things I can't make out. I herd a young Swell say that wot with them and what with the Bathing Moddels it was as good as a Burlesk!
We've got werry cumferrabel Lodgings, we have, just opposite the Gas Works and near a Brick Field. When the wind is South or West we smells the bricks and when its East we smells the Gas, but when its doo North we don't smell nuffen excep just a trifle from the Dranes, and so long as we keeps quite at the end of the werry longPeer we don't smell nuffen at all excep the sea weed.
LIGHT PUFFS RAISED A LITTLE SWELLLIGHT PUFFS RAISED A LITTLE SWELL
Our Landlord's a werry respeckabel man and the Stoker on our little Railway, and so werry fond of nussing our little children that they are allus as black as young Sweeps. Their gratest treat is to go with him to the Stashun and stand on the ingin when they are shuntin, so preshus little they gits of the sea breezes.
We've had a fust rate Company staying here. I've seen no less than 2 Aldermen, and 1 Warden of a City Compny, but they didn't stay long. I don't think the living was good enuff for 'em. It must be a werry trying change, from every luxery that isn't in season, to meer beef and mutton and shrimps! and those rayther course.
I think our Boatmen is about the lazyest set of fellows as ever I seed. So far from begging on you to have a soft Roe with the Tide, or a hard Roe against it, they makes all sorts of egscewses for not taking you, says they're just a going to dinner, or they thinks the wind's a gittingup, or there ain't enough water!
HEAVY SWELL ON THE BARHEAVY SWELL ON THE BAR
Not enuff water in the Sea to flote a Bote! wen any one could see as there was thousands of galluns there.
I saw some on 'em this mornin bringin in sum fish, and asked the price of a pair of Souls, but they axshally said they didn't dare sell one, for every man Jack of 'em must be sent to Billingsgate! but werry likely sum on 'em might be sent back again in the arternoon, and then I could get some at the Fishmonger's!
What a nice derangemunt!
There was the butiful fresh fish reddy for eating, there was me and my family reddy to eat 'em, but no, they must be packed in boxes and carried to the Station and then sent by Rale to London, and then sent by Wan to Billingsgate, and that takes I'm told ever so many hours, and then carried back to the London Stashun, and then sent by Rale to Northgate, and then carried from the Stashun tothe Fishmonger's, and then I'm allowed to buy 'em!
THE BELL BUOYTHE BELL BUOY
Well if that isn't a butiful business like arrangement, my Lord Mare, I should like to know what is.
However, as I wunce herd a Deputy say, when things cums to their wust, things is sure to mend, and I don't think that things can be much wusser than that.
(Signed)Robert.
The Spirit of the Thing.—Landlady(to shivering lodger). No, sir, I don't object to your dining at a restorong, nor to your taking an 'apenny paper, but I must resent your constant 'abit of locking up your whiskey, thereby himplying that me, a clergyman's daughter, is prone to larceny.
[Lodger immediately hands her the key as a guarantee of good faith.
THE BORES OF THE BEACHTHE BORES OF THE BEACHSo! as it's a fine day, you'll sit on the beach and read the paper comfortably, will you? Very good! Then we recommend you to get what guinea-pigs, brandy-balls, boats, and children's socks, to say nothing of shell-workboxes, lace collars, and the like you may want, before you settle down.
So! as it's a fine day, you'll sit on the beach and read the paper comfortably, will you? Very good! Then we recommend you to get what guinea-pigs, brandy-balls, boats, and children's socks, to say nothing of shell-workboxes, lace collars, and the like you may want, before you settle down.
Mr. Dan Briggs himself"Excuse me, sir. I seem to have met you before. Are you not a relative of Mr. Dan Briggs?""No, madam. IamMr. Dan Briggs himself.""Ah, then that explains the remarkable resemblance!"
"Excuse me, sir. I seem to have met you before. Are you not a relative of Mr. Dan Briggs?"
"No, madam. IamMr. Dan Briggs himself."
"Ah, then that explains the remarkable resemblance!"
ACCOMMODATINGACCOMMODATINGLodger."And then, there's that cold pheasant, Mrs. Bilkes"——Landlady."Yes'm, and if you should have enough without it, lor', Mr. Bilkes wouldn't mind a eatin' of it for his supper, if that's all."
Lodger."And then, there's that cold pheasant, Mrs. Bilkes"——
Landlady."Yes'm, and if you should have enough without it, lor', Mr. Bilkes wouldn't mind a eatin' of it for his supper, if that's all."
Might I ask how much you gaveMrs. Brown."Might I ask how much you gave that nigger?"Mr. Brown(first day down). "Sixpence."Mrs. B."Oh, indeed! Perhaps, sir, you are not aware that your wife and family have listened to those same niggers for the last ten days for apenny!"
Mrs. Brown."Might I ask how much you gave that nigger?"
Mr. Brown(first day down). "Sixpence."
Mrs. B."Oh, indeed! Perhaps, sir, you are not aware that your wife and family have listened to those same niggers for the last ten days for apenny!"
PLEASURES OF THE SEASIDEPLEASURES OF THE SEASIDEMermaiden."I am told you keep a circulating library?"Librarian."Yes, miss.Thereit is! Subscription, two shillings a-week; one volume at a time; change as often as you please! Would you like to see a catalogue?"
Mermaiden."I am told you keep a circulating library?"
Librarian."Yes, miss.Thereit is! Subscription, two shillings a-week; one volume at a time; change as often as you please! Would you like to see a catalogue?"
AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTIONAN INFORMAL INTRODUCTIONPolite Little Girl(suddenly). "This is my mamma, sir. Will you please sing her, 'It's the seasoning wot does it!'"
Polite Little Girl(suddenly). "This is my mamma, sir. Will you please sing her, 'It's the seasoning wot does it!'"
OUT OF TOWNOUT OF TOWN (UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE)Visitor."What a roaring trade the hotels will be doing, with all these holiday folk!"Head waiter at The George."Lor bless yer, sir, no! They all bring their nosebags with 'em!"
Visitor."What a roaring trade the hotels will be doing, with all these holiday folk!"
Head waiter at The George."Lor bless yer, sir, no! They all bring their nosebags with 'em!"
SEASIDE STUDIESSEASIDE STUDIESWandering Minstrel."Gurls! I'm a doocid fine cha-appie!" &c., &c.]
Wandering Minstrel."Gurls! I'm a doocid fine cha-appie!" &c., &c.]
prefer bathing from the beachWiggles and Sprott prefer bathing from the beach to having a stuffy machine. They are much pleased with the delicate little attention indicated above!
Wiggles and Sprott prefer bathing from the beach to having a stuffy machine. They are much pleased with the delicate little attention indicated above!
A QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEAA QUIET DRIVE BY THE SEAA Brighton bath-chairman's idea of a suitable route for an invalid lady
A Brighton bath-chairman's idea of a suitable route for an invalid lady
On the sands as loitering I standWhere my point of view the scene commands,I survey the prospect fair and grandOn the sands.Niggers, half a dozen German bands,Photographic touts, persistent, bland,Chiromancers reading dirty hands,Nursemaids, children, preachers, skiffs that landTrippers with cigars of fearful brands,Donkeys—everything, in short, but sand—On the sands.
On the sands as loitering I standWhere my point of view the scene commands,I survey the prospect fair and grandOn the sands.
On the sands as loitering I stand
Where my point of view the scene commands,
I survey the prospect fair and grand
On the sands.
Niggers, half a dozen German bands,Photographic touts, persistent, bland,Chiromancers reading dirty hands,
Niggers, half a dozen German bands,
Photographic touts, persistent, bland,
Chiromancers reading dirty hands,
Nursemaids, children, preachers, skiffs that landTrippers with cigars of fearful brands,Donkeys—everything, in short, but sand—On the sands.
Nursemaids, children, preachers, skiffs that land
Trippers with cigars of fearful brands,
Donkeys—everything, in short, but sand—
On the sands.
THE LETTER BUT NOT THE SPIRITTHE LETTER BUT NOT THE SPIRITOld Mr. de Cramwell, being bilious and out of sorts, is ordered to go to the sea, and take plenty of exercise in the open air. (He begins at once.)
Old Mr. de Cramwell, being bilious and out of sorts, is ordered to go to the sea, and take plenty of exercise in the open air. (He begins at once.)
TAKING A ROWTAKING A ROW
The "disguised minstrel", believed by the public to be a peer of the realm collecting coin for a charity, but who is in reality the sentimental singer from a perambulating troop of nigger banjoists, "working on his own."
The preacher whose appreciation of the value of logic and the aspirate is on a par.
The intensely military young man whose occupation during eleven months in the year is the keeping of ledgers in a small city office.
The artist who guarantees a pleasing group of lovers for sixpence, frame included.
The band that consists of a cornet, a trombone, a clarionet, some bass, and a big drum, which is quite as effective (thanks to the trombone) when all the principals have deserted in search of coppers.
And last (and commonest of all) the cockney who, after a week's experience of the discomforts of the seaside, is weary of them, and wants to go home.