Safe.

To be Sung at Concert Pitch.—"The Tar's Farewell."

SafeSafe.Guest(after a jolly evening). "Good night, ol' fellah—I'll leave my boosh oushide 'door——"Bohemian Host."Au' right, m' boy—(hic)—noborry'll toussh 'em—goo' light!!" [Exeunt.

Guest(after a jolly evening). "Good night, ol' fellah—I'll leave my boosh oushide 'door——"

Bohemian Host."Au' right, m' boy—(hic)—noborry'll toussh 'em—goo' light!!" [Exeunt.

Now that the painful month of suspense in Studioland is at an end, it behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from Burlington House. Let them remember:

That very few people really look at the pictures in the Academy—they only go to meet their friends, or to say they have been there.

That those whodoexamine the works of art are wont to disparage the same by way of showing their superior smartness.

That one picture has no chance of recognition with fourteen hundred others shouting at it.

That all the best pavement-artists now give "one-man" shows. They can thus select their own "pitch," and are never ruthlessly skied.

That photography in colours is coming, and then the R.A. will have to go.

That Rembrandt, Holbein, Rubens and Vandyck were never hung at the summer exhibition.

That Botticelli, Correggio and Titian managed to rub along without that privilege.

That the ten-guinea frame that was bought (or owed for) this spring will do splendidly next year for another masterpiece.

That the paintermusthave specimens of his best work to decorate the somewhat bare walls of his studio.

That the best test of a picture is being able to live with it—or live it down—so why send it away from its most lenient critic?

That probably thechef-d'œuvresent in was shown to the hanging committee up-side down.

That, supposing they saw it properly, they were afraid that its success would put the Academy to the expense of having a railing placed in front.

And finally, we would remind the rejected one that, after all, his bantlinghasbeen exhibited in the R.A.—to the president and his colleagues engaged in the work of selection. Somebody at least looked at it for quite three seconds.

Art Note.—The early Italian style.—An organ-grinder at five o'clock in the morning.

Rest, Sir"Rest, Sir?""No thanks, I can reach 'em."

"Rest, Sir?""No thanks, I can reach 'em."

Our FlatOur Flat.Extract from Lady's Correspondence."—— In fact, our reception was acompletesuccess. We had some excellent musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them, with such a crowd of people; but we managedcapitally!"

Extract from Lady's Correspondence."—— In fact, our reception was acompletesuccess. We had some excellent musicians. I daresay you will wonder where we put them, with such a crowd of people; but we managedcapitally!"

Show SundayShow Sunday.Vandyke Browne."Peace, my dear lady, peace and refinement, those are the two essentials in an artist's surroundings." [Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!

Vandyke Browne."Peace, my dear lady, peace and refinement, those are the two essentials in an artist's surroundings." [Enter Master and Miss Browne. Tableau!

Varnishing Day AmenitiesVarnishing Day Amenities.Little Smudge."Of course, I know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet, but I feel I am, if I might so express it, in atransitionstage, don't you know,"Brother Brush("skied"this year). "Ah! I see,going from bad to worse!"

Little Smudge."Of course, I know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet, but I feel I am, if I might so express it, in atransitionstage, don't you know,"Brother Brush("skied"this year). "Ah! I see,going from bad to worse!"

["With this little instrument that rests so lightly in the hand, whole nations can be moved.... When it is poised between thumb and finger, it becomes a living thing—it moves with the pulsations of the living heart and thinking brain, and writes down, almost unconsciously, the thoughts that live—the words that burn.... It would be difficult to find a single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure and elegant English."—Miss Corelli in"Free Opinions Freely Expressed."]

O magic pen, what wonders lieWithin your little length!Though small and paltry to the eyeYou boast a giant's strength.Between my finger and my thumbA living creature you become,And to the listening world you give"The words that burn—the thoughts that live."Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,Your wizard power is proved:You write till lunch, and nations notInfrequently are moved;'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damnFor good and all, some social sham,And by the time I pause to sup—Behold Carnegie crumpled up!

O magic pen, what wonders lie

Within your little length!

Though small and paltry to the eye

You boast a giant's strength.

Between my finger and my thumb

A living creature you become,

And to the listening world you give

"The words that burn—the thoughts that live."

Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,Your wizard power is proved:You write till lunch, and nations notInfrequently are moved;'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damnFor good and all, some social sham,And by the time I pause to sup—Behold Carnegie crumpled up!

Oft, when the sacred fire glows hot,

Your wizard power is proved:

You write till lunch, and nations not

Infrequently are moved;

'Twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn

For good and all, some social sham,

And by the time I pause to sup—

Behold Carnegie crumpled up!

Through your unconscious eyes I seeStrange beauty, little pen!You make life exquisite to me,If not to other men.You fill me with an inward joyNo outward trouble can destroy,Not even when I struggle throughSome foolish ignorant review;Nor when the press bad grammar scrawlsIn wild uncultured haste,And which intolerably gallsOne's literary taste.What are the editors about,Whom one would think would edit outThe shocking English and the styleWhich every page and line defile?There is, alas! no magazine,No paper that one knowsTo which a man could turn for cleanAnd graceful English prose;Not even, O my pen, though youYourself may write for one or two,And lend to them a style, a tone,A grammar that is all your own.I see the shadows of decayOn all sides darkly loom;Massage and manicure hold sway,Cosmetics fairly boom;Old dowagers and budding maidsAlike affect complexion-aids,While middle age with anxious careDyes to restore its dwindling hair.

Through your unconscious eyes I see

Strange beauty, little pen!

You make life exquisite to me,

If not to other men.

You fill me with an inward joy

No outward trouble can destroy,

Not even when I struggle through

Some foolish ignorant review;

Nor when the press bad grammar scrawlsIn wild uncultured haste,And which intolerably gallsOne's literary taste.What are the editors about,Whom one would think would edit outThe shocking English and the styleWhich every page and line defile?

Nor when the press bad grammar scrawls

In wild uncultured haste,

And which intolerably galls

One's literary taste.

What are the editors about,

Whom one would think would edit out

The shocking English and the style

Which every page and line defile?

There is, alas! no magazine,No paper that one knowsTo which a man could turn for cleanAnd graceful English prose;Not even, O my pen, though youYourself may write for one or two,And lend to them a style, a tone,A grammar that is all your own.

There is, alas! no magazine,

No paper that one knows

To which a man could turn for clean

And graceful English prose;

Not even, O my pen, though you

Yourself may write for one or two,

And lend to them a style, a tone,

A grammar that is all your own.

I see the shadows of decayOn all sides darkly loom;Massage and manicure hold sway,Cosmetics fairly boom;Old dowagers and budding maidsAlike affect complexion-aids,While middle age with anxious careDyes to restore its dwindling hair.

I see the shadows of decay

On all sides darkly loom;

Massage and manicure hold sway,

Cosmetics fairly boom;

Old dowagers and budding maids

Alike affect complexion-aids,

While middle age with anxious care

Dyes to restore its dwindling hair.

The time is out of joint, but stillI am not hopeless quiteSo long as you exist, my quill,Once more to set it right.Woman will cease from rouge, I think,Man pour his hair-wash down the sink,If you will yet consent to give"The words that burn—the thoughts that live."

The time is out of joint, but still

I am not hopeless quite

So long as you exist, my quill,

Once more to set it right.

Woman will cease from rouge, I think,

Man pour his hair-wash down the sink,

If you will yet consent to give

"The words that burn—the thoughts that live."

As the publishing season will soon be in full play—which means that there will be plenty of work—we suggest the following as titles of books, to succeed the publication of "People I have Met," by an American:—

People I have taken into Custody, by a Policeman.

People that have Met me Half-way, by an Insolvent.

People I have Splashed, by a Scavenger.

People I have Done, by a Jew Bill-discounter.

People I have Abused, by a 'Bus Conductor.

People I have Run Over, by a Butcher's Boy.

People I have Run Against, by a Sweep.

A Roaring Trade.—Keeping a menagerie.

Compliments one might Improve onCompliments one might Improve on.Mrs. Mudge."Idoadmire the women you draw, Mr. Penink. They'resobeautiful andsorefined! Tell me,whois your model?" [Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs. Penink's opinion.]Penink."Oh, my wife always sits for me!"Mrs. Mudge(with great surprise). "You don't say so! Well, I think you're one of thecleverestmen I know!" [Mrs. Penink's opinion of Mrs. Mudge falls below zero.

Mrs. Mudge."Idoadmire the women you draw, Mr. Penink. They'resobeautiful andsorefined! Tell me,whois your model?" [Mrs. Mudge rises in Mrs. Penink's opinion.]

Penink."Oh, my wife always sits for me!"

Mrs. Mudge(with great surprise). "You don't say so! Well, I think you're one of thecleverestmen I know!" [Mrs. Penink's opinion of Mrs. Mudge falls below zero.

The Green-eyed Monster"The Green-eyed Monster."George(Itinerant Punch-and-Judy Showman). "I say, Bill, shedodraw!"Bill(his partner, with drum and box of puppets). "H'm—it's more thanwecan!"

George(Itinerant Punch-and-Judy Showman). "I say, Bill, shedodraw!"

Bill(his partner, with drum and box of puppets). "H'm—it's more thanwecan!"

Selection"Selection."Brown(as he was leaving our Art Conversazione, after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room). "Confound it! Got my own hat, after all!"

Brown(as he was leaving our Art Conversazione, after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room). "Confound it! Got my own hat, after all!"

Eccentric Old GentEccentric Old Gent(whose pet aversion is a dirty child). "Go away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!"Indignant Youngster."You go 'ome, you dirty old man, and do yer 'air!"

Eccentric Old Gent(whose pet aversion is a dirty child). "Go away, you dirty girl, and wash your face!"

Indignant Youngster."You go 'ome, you dirty old man, and do yer 'air!"

Musical Fact.—People are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are played about the streets by grinding organs, and yet they may all be said to be the music of Handle.

IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?IS THERE ROOM FOR MARY THERE?SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

an excellent portraitPhotographer."I think this is an excellent portrait of your wife."Mr. Smallweed."I don't know—sort ofreposeabout themouththat somehow doesn't seem right."

Photographer."I think this is an excellent portrait of your wife."

Mr. Smallweed."I don't know—sort ofreposeabout themouththat somehow doesn't seem right."

The Great Prize FightThe Great Prize Fight.Johnnie(who finds that his box, £20,has been appropriated by "the Fancy"). "I beg your pardon, but this ismybox!"Bill Bashford."Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"

Johnnie(who finds that his box, £20,has been appropriated by "the Fancy"). "I beg your pardon, but this ismybox!"

Bill Bashford."Oh, is it? Well, why don't you tike it?"

Without PrejudiceWithout Prejudice.Ugly Man(who thinks he's a privileged wag,to artist). "Now, Mr.Daubigny, draw me."Artist(who doesn't like being calledDaubigny, and whose real name is Smith). "Certainly. But youwon'tbe offended if it'slikeyou. Eh?"

Ugly Man(who thinks he's a privileged wag,to artist). "Now, Mr.Daubigny, draw me."

Artist(who doesn't like being calledDaubigny, and whose real name is Smith). "Certainly. But youwon'tbe offended if it'slikeyou. Eh?"

I've sent all my picturesScrimble."So sorry I've none of my work to show you. Fact is, I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy."Mrs. Macmillions."What a pity! I did so much want to see them. How soon do you expect them back?"

Scrimble."So sorry I've none of my work to show you. Fact is, I've just sent all my pictures to the Academy."

Mrs. Macmillions."What a pity! I did so much want to see them. How soon do you expect them back?"

Chloroform.Invaluable to writers of sensational stories. Every high-class fictionary criminal carries a bottle in his pocket. A few drops, spread on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the hero's nose, will produce a state of complete unconsciousness lasting for several hours, within which time his pockets may be searched at leisure. This property of chloroform, familiar to every expert novelist, seems to have escaped the notice of the medical profession.

Consumption.The regulation illness for use in tales of mawkish pathos. Very popular some years ago, when the heroine made farewell speeches in blank verse, and died to slow music. Fortunately, however, the public has lost its fondness for work of this sort. Consumption at its last stage is easily curable (in novels) by the reappearance of a hero supposed to be dead. Two pages later the heroine will gain strength in a way which her doctors—not unnaturally—will describe as "perfectlymarvellous." And in the next chapter the marriage-bells will ring.

cartoon

Doctor.Always include a doctor among your characters. He is quite easy to manage, and invariably will belong to one of these three types: (a) The eminent specialist. Tall, imperturbable, urbane. Only comes incidentally into the story. (b) Young, bustling, energetic. Not much practice, and plenty of time to look after other people's affairs. Hard-headed and practical. Often the hero's college friend. Should be given a pretty girl to marry in the last chapter. (c) The old family doctor. Benevolent, genial, wise. Wears gold-rimmed spectacles, which he has to take off and wipe at the pathetic parts of the book.

Fever.A nice, useful term for fictionary illnesses. It is best to avoid mention of specific symptoms, beyond that of "a burning brow," though, if there are any family secrets which needto be revealed, delirium is sure to supervene at a later stage.Arthur Pendennis, for instance, had fictional "fever," and baffled doctors have endeavoured ever since to find out what really was the matter with him. "Brain-fever," again, is unknown to the medical faculty, but you may safely afflict your intellectual hero with it. The treatment of fictionary fever is quite simple, consisting solely of frequent doses of grapes and cooling drinks. These will be brought to the sufferer by the heroine, and these simple remedies administered in this way have never been known to fail.

cartoon

Fracture.After one of your characters has come a cropper in the hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house: usually, by a strange coincidence, the heroine's home. Andhe will be said to have sustained "a compound fracture"—a vague description which will quite satisfy your readers.

Gout.An invaluable disease to the humorist. Remember that heroes and heroines are entirely immune from it, but every rich old uncle is bound to suffer from it. The engagement of his niece to an impecunious young gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout. The humour of it all is, perhaps, a little difficult to see, but it never fails to tickle the public.

cartoon

Heart Disease.An excellent complaint for killing off a villain. If you wish to pave the way for it artistically, this is the recognised method: On page 100 he will falter in the middle of a sentence, grow pale, and press his hand sharply to his side. In a moment he will have recovered,and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing. But the reader knows better. He has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of novels, and he will not be in the least surprised when, on the middle of page 250, the villain suddenly drops dead.

cartoon

Unpopular Game at the Royal Academy.—"High-sky-high!"

A Rough Wine.—Rude-sheimer.

Nervous.—Mrs. Malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other evening. She never means to set foot in one again. The extortions some of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her.

Motto for a model Music-hall Entertainment.—"Everything in its 'turn' and nothing long."

Breaking it GentlyBreaking it Gently.His Cousins."We sent off the wire to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many—so we struck it out."Real Artist."Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"His Cousins."You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out 'to-day.'"

His Cousins."We sent off the wire to stop your model coming. But you had put one word too many—so we struck it out."

Real Artist."Oh, indeed. What word did you strike out?"

His Cousins."You had written 'he wasn't to come, as you had only just discovered you couldn't paint to-day.' So we crossed out 'to-day.'"

The State of the MarketThe State of the Market.Artist(to customer,who has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court Road): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"Customer: "H'm—'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very little demand forgreengoods just now. If you had a line ofautumn tintsnow—that's the article we find most sale for among our customers!"

Artist(to customer,who has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in Tottenham Court Road): "How would this suit you? 'Summer'!"

Customer: "H'm—'Summer.' Well, sir, the fact is we find there's very little demand forgreengoods just now. If you had a line ofautumn tintsnow—that's the article we find most sale for among our customers!"

Our Amateur RomeoOur Amateur Romeo(who has taken a cottage in the country, so as to be able to study without interruption). "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon——"Owner of rubicund countenance(popping head over the hedge), "Beg pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"

Our Amateur Romeo(who has taken a cottage in the country, so as to be able to study without interruption). "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon——"

Owner of rubicund countenance(popping head over the hedge), "Beg pardon, zur! Be you a talkin' to Oi, zur?"

BITTERS AT THE CLUBBITTERS AT THE CLUBMacStodge(Pictor ignotus). "Who's that going out?"O'Duffer(Pictor ignotissimus). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who painted Lady Midas!"MacStodge."Oh, the artist!"O'Duffer."No.The Royal Academician!"

MacStodge(Pictor ignotus). "Who's that going out?"

O'Duffer(Pictor ignotissimus). "One Ernest Raphael Sopely, who painted Lady Midas!"

MacStodge."Oh, the artist!"

O'Duffer."No.The Royal Academician!"

La vie de BohèmeLa vie de Bohème.First Bohemian(to second ditto). "I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap, you won't be able to pay him at all."Second Bohemian."Ah, that'sit!Ihave a conscience. I want the poor chap to lose as little as possible!"

First Bohemian(to second ditto). "I can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling with that tailor chap, and beating him down, when you know, old chap, you won't be able to pay him at all."

Second Bohemian."Ah, that'sit!Ihave a conscience. I want the poor chap to lose as little as possible!"

Little GuttersnipeLittle Guttersnipe(who is getting quite used to posing). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"

Little Guttersnipe(who is getting quite used to posing). "Will yer want me ter tike my bun down?"

Genial DoctorGenial Doctor(after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient's). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter withyou! Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a joke!"Irrepressible Patient."Why, of course I should. It would be my last chance!"

Genial Doctor(after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient's). "Ha! ha! ha! There's not much the matter withyou! Though I do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a joke!"

Irrepressible Patient."Why, of course I should. It would be my last chance!"

I do hope you'll be hungShe(to Raphael Greene,who paints gems for the R.A. that are never accepted). "Idohope you'll be hung this year. I'm sure you deserve to be!"

She(to Raphael Greene,who paints gems for the R.A. that are never accepted). "Idohope you'll be hung this year. I'm sure you deserve to be!"

ART INTELLIGENCEART INTELLIGENCEShe(reads). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and sculptors now in Rome——"He(British Philistine—served on a late celebrated jury!). "Ah! no wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"

She(reads). "There are upwards of fifty English painters and sculptors now in Rome——"

He(British Philistine—served on a late celebrated jury!). "Ah! no wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed!"

Devoted little wifeDevoted little wife(to hubbie, who has been late at the club). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on toast—tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"Victim of last night(groans). "Yes—an appetite!" [Collapses.

Devoted little wife(to hubbie, who has been late at the club). "Now, dear, see, your breakfast is quite ready. A nice kipper, grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon, poached eggs on toast—tea and coffee. Anything else you'd like, dearie?"

Victim of last night(groans). "Yes—an appetite!" [Collapses.

After Feeding-timeAfter Feeding-time.Showman of Travelling Menagerie."Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the 'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage, dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"

Showman of Travelling Menagerie."Now, ladies and gentlemen, we come to the most interesting part of the 'ole exhibition! Seven different species of hanimals, in the same cage, dwellin' in 'armony. You could see them with the naked heye, only you have come too late. They are all now inside the lion!"

To Billiard Players.—If you would obey therulesof billiards, always attend to thecannonsof the game.

The Suspensory Act.—Hanging the Academy exhibition.

In the Billiard Room.—Major Carambole.I never give any bribes to the club servants on principle.

Captain Hazard.Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue without interest.

juggling the world

In a BarIn a Bar, Newmarket.Seedy Individual(to Knowing One). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"Knowing One."'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A juggins?"S. I."Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny. And you can 'ave it for a tenner."K. O."Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"S. I."In that old gent's tie.Will yer 'ave it?"

Seedy Individual(to Knowing One). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"

Knowing One."'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A juggins?"

S. I."Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny. And you can 'ave it for a tenner."

K. O."Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"

S. I."In that old gent's tie.Will yer 'ave it?"

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERSSONGS AND THEIR SINGERS"Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should beA thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oineHas seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."

"Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should beA thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oineHas seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."

SHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATEDSHAKSPEARE ILLUSTRATED"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"Hamlet, Act I., Sc. 5.

"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"Hamlet, Act I., Sc. 5.

["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years, but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits; they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock of tailors and their customers."—Tailor and Cutter.]

The tailor leaned upon his goose,And wiped away a tear:"What portraits painting-men produce,"He sobbed, "from year to year!These fellows make their sitters smileIn suits that do not fit,They're wrongly buttoned, and the styleIs not the thing a bit."Oh, artist I'm an artist too!I bid you use restraint,And only show your sitters, do,In fitting coats of paint;In vain you crown those errant seamsWith smiles that look ethereal,For man may be the stuff of dreams—But dreams are not material."

The tailor leaned upon his goose,

And wiped away a tear:

"What portraits painting-men produce,"

He sobbed, "from year to year!

These fellows make their sitters smile

In suits that do not fit,

They're wrongly buttoned, and the style

Is not the thing a bit.

"Oh, artist I'm an artist too!I bid you use restraint,And only show your sitters, do,In fitting coats of paint;In vain you crown those errant seamsWith smiles that look ethereal,For man may be the stuff of dreams—But dreams are not material."

"Oh, artist I'm an artist too!

I bid you use restraint,

And only show your sitters, do,

In fitting coats of paint;

In vain you crown those errant seams

With smiles that look ethereal,

For man may be the stuff of dreams—

But dreams are not material."

Medical.—A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through having a cast in his eye.

Frame-makerFrame-maker(to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames for a few prints and sketches). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap an' ordinary forthis?"[N.B.—"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself.

Frame-maker(to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames for a few prints and sketches). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap an' ordinary forthis?"

[N.B.—"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself.

Not quite the Same.—Scene:Exhibition of Works of Art.

Dealer(to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a Vandyke). Do you know whothatis? I so often see him about.

Friend.I know him. He's a collector.

Dealer(much interested). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures?

Friend.No. Income tax.

[Exeunt severally.

Art Class.—Inspector.What is a "landscape painter"?

Student.A painter of landscapes.

Inspector.Good. What is an "animal painter"?

Student.A painter of animals.

Inspector.Excellent. What is a "marine painter"?

Student.A painter of marines.

Inspector.Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next class.

[Exeunt students.

The Best "Publisher's Circular."—A round dining-table.

Social AgoniesSocial Agonies.Anxious Musician(in a whisper,to Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler). "Where's my cello?"Butler(in stentorian tones,to the room). "Signor Weresmicello!"

Anxious Musician(in a whisper,to Mrs. Lyon Hunter's butler). "Where's my cello?"

Butler(in stentorian tones,to the room). "Signor Weresmicello!"

Jones has lost—his figureBrown."Pity Jones has lost—his figure!"Robinson."Notlost, but gone before!"

Brown."Pity Jones has lost—his figure!"

Robinson."Notlost, but gone before!"

Enthusiastic BritonEnthusiastic Briton(to seedy American,who has been running down all our national monuments). "But even if our Houses of Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for instance——"Seedy American."Waal,guessI don't think so durned much of your Thames Embankment, neither. Itrainedall the blarmed time the night Islep on it."

Enthusiastic Briton(to seedy American,who has been running down all our national monuments). "But even if our Houses of Parliament 'aren't in it,' as you say, with the Masonic Temple of Chicago, surely, sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for instance——"

Seedy American."Waal,guessI don't think so durned much of your Thames Embankment, neither. Itrainedall the blarmed time the night Islep on it."

A Professional View of Things.—Old Paynter never neglects any opportunity for advancing art. Every evening he has the cloth drawn.

Beverage for a Musician.—Thorough bass.

Poetical Licence.—A music-hall's.

Turf Reform.—Mowing your lawn.

A Monster Meeting..—A giant and a dwarf.

The Soaker's Paradise.—Dropmore.

FINIS

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.

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