Three judges
(IN TWO TONGUES)
The French Method, reported in a Paris Paper. Close of the Thirteenth Day.
The prisoner was admitted. He was self-possessed, grand, mysterious. He glanced round him with a air of disdain, and jeeringly bowed to the president, who regarded him with hatred. Then the president put questions to him.
The President.You are a thief, a scoundrel, an assassin! You know you committed the crime of which you are accused. You are a villain!
The Prisoner.And you—polite.
[General assent.
The President (with indignation).I will not have you say so! I tell you that I know you entered the room with the pistol. I know that you fired at the deceased. You know you did! Tell me, did you not kill the deceased?
The Prisoner.Why should I tell you? Is not your head of wood, M’sieur le Président.
[General laughter.
The President (with anger).You shall pay dearly for this! You have insulted me—you have insulted the son of my mother—and insulting her son, you have also insulted my mother!
[A deep murmur.
The Prisoner (shuddering).Oh, no! I deny it! I am not so base!
The President.But I tell you you are! I tell you that there is no more wicked man in the world than yourself! You are a poltroon!
[Murmurs.
The Prisoner.And you call the father of my innocent child a poltroon? It is an outrage!
[General assent.
The President.Your appeal to your innocent babe will avail you nothing. Your innocent babe would be better without such a father! (General Shuddering.) Yes, I mean what I say—you are a craven!
The Prisoner.This is too much! I am no craven! I love my country as a mother loves her son.
[General assent.
M. le Président.You insult France when you call yourself her son! You insult the Republic.
[Loud murmurs.
The Prisoner.It is not for you to judge! I know you, M’sieur le Président. Forty years ago you were in the service of the King!
M. le Président (with a cry).You shall be gagged if you utter such calumnies! You are a knave, a vagabond, a cut-throat! And now it is for the jury to decide. Have you anything to say in your defence?
The Prisoner (to the Jury).I have nothing to say, save that I brand this man as a traitor! As for me I ask for liberty in the name of my infant—in the name of my child! I confess I am no saint, and if Ihavemurdered, why in the name of my innocent babe I beg of you to stretch out your hands to me and save me from the scaffold. I wish to return to the world to watch by the side of a cradle!
The jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two hours’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.
The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day.
The prisoner, who was ably represented by counsel, appeared to be deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the jury during the brief summing up.
His Lordship said that he trusted the jury would give the benefit of any doubt they might feel in the prisoner’s favour. In so serious a case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt. The facts had been carefully laid before them, and he would not say a word to bias them one way or the other. He entreated them to remember that the life of a fellow creature was at stake, and to let that recollection make them desirous to record only what was proper and just. The jury then retired, and, after five minutes’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.
Very large dog following old ladyTHE LETTER OF THE LAWNervous Old Lady.“O, policeman! policeman! there’s a strange dog that will stick to me, and won’t leave me, and I can’t get rid of him! Couldn’t you take him in charge or something?”Policeman (who doesn’t like the job).“Very sorry, ma’am,—but we can’t interfere withanydog so long as he’s afollerin’o’ somebody!”
THE LETTER OF THE LAW
Nervous Old Lady.“O, policeman! policeman! there’s a strange dog that will stick to me, and won’t leave me, and I can’t get rid of him! Couldn’t you take him in charge or something?”
Policeman (who doesn’t like the job).“Very sorry, ma’am,—but we can’t interfere withanydog so long as he’s afollerin’o’ somebody!”
Two men at the bar (of a public house)“VICISSITUDES OF FAMILIES”Ragged Party.“Ah! I should never a’ been redooced like this ’ere if it hadn’t been for the lawyers!”Raggeder Ditto.“And look at me! All through my title-deeds bein’ made into banjos an’ such like! Why, I spent a small fortun’ advertisin’ for one tambourine as was supposed to a’ been made out o’ my grandmother’s marriage-settlement!!!”
“VICISSITUDES OF FAMILIES”
Ragged Party.“Ah! I should never a’ been redooced like this ’ere if it hadn’t been for the lawyers!”
Raggeder Ditto.“And look at me! All through my title-deeds bein’ made into banjos an’ such like! Why, I spent a small fortun’ advertisin’ for one tambourine as was supposed to a’ been made out o’ my grandmother’s marriage-settlement!!!”
Courtroom, almost everyone sleepingDreary Counsel (in the course of an hour’s oration).“Gentlemen, you cannot close your eyes—my lord cannot closehis—to this important fact!”
Dreary Counsel (in the course of an hour’s oration).“Gentlemen, you cannot close your eyes—my lord cannot closehis—to this important fact!”
Courtroom sceneA NARROW ESCAPECountry Magistrate.“Prisoner, you’re discharged this time with a caution; but if we see you here again, you’ll get twice as much!!”
A NARROW ESCAPE
Country Magistrate.“Prisoner, you’re discharged this time with a caution; but if we see you here again, you’ll get twice as much!!”
New Legal Definition.—A Copyholder.—A compositor.
Stout magistrate questioning prisonerLimited Liability.—Worthy Magistrate.“Prisoner, you hear what the policeman says, that you, and some ten or twelve other boys not yet in custody, were seen in the act of demolishing a street lamp; now what have you to say for yourself?”Prisoner.“So please yer worshop, as there was more nor ten of us engaged in the transagtion, why I pleads limited liability.”
Limited Liability.—Worthy Magistrate.“Prisoner, you hear what the policeman says, that you, and some ten or twelve other boys not yet in custody, were seen in the act of demolishing a street lamp; now what have you to say for yourself?”
Prisoner.“So please yer worshop, as there was more nor ten of us engaged in the transagtion, why I pleads limited liability.”
Lawyer and dog outside the butcher’s shop“TURNING HIS FLANK”(See opposite page.)
“TURNING HIS FLANK”
(See opposite page.)
Legal Distinction.—Q.What is the difference between attorney and counsel?
A.One is a lawyer, and the other a jawyer.
Mr. Brisket (the butcher).“Good morning, Mr. Chattles! You’re a lawyer, and I want your advice. What can I do with a man whose dog steals some meat from my shop?”
Mr. Chattles (the lawyer).“Demand the value, or summon the owner.”
Mr. Brisket (triumphantly).“Then I want six-and-sixpence from you, sir, or else I’ll summons yer! Your dog there ran away with a piece of mutton o’ that valley from these premises last night!”
Mr. Chattles.“Hum—ah—h’m! Then if you’ll hand me over twopence, we shall just be square, Mr. Brisket—as my fee for consultation is six-and-eightpence!!”
Down-faced judge
(Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law Society and the Bar Committee)
Scene—Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study.Time—The near Future.Present—His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family Solicitor.
The Duke (finishing a long business talk).And I suppose we had better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?
Mr. Kosts (hesitating).Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express wish.
The Duke (surprised).Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no better representative?
Mr. Kosts (hurriedly).Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is a most eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends; but——
The Duke.Well? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands with perfect confidence? Do you not think so?
Mr. Kosts.Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (Hesitating.) But matters have changed a little lately. There has been an alteration in the law.
The Duke.Indeed!
Mr. Kosts.Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches of the legal profession have been amalgamated.
The Duke.I don’t quite understand.
Mr. Kosts.Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction between solicitors and barristers, except in name. So I thought, your Grace, that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might replace Mr. Silvertongue, and—— You see, it is simply a matter of business.
The Duke (interrupting).Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid Mr. Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a personal friend of mine, and——
Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow).I trust your Grace will not give the matter another thought—Mr. Silvertongue shall be instructed. (Preparing to go.) Of course, your Grace’s young relative, the Honourable Charles Needy, will act as junior?
The Duke.Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my work as possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened with briefs.
Mr. Kosts.I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a sharp and clever young gentleman. Good day, your Grace!
The Duke (after a moment’s thought, suddenly).One moment, Mr. Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the legal profession were amalgamated?
Mr. Kosts.To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we can now do all the work of the Bar.
The Duke.And I suppose barristers can act as solicitors—I mean, undertake the same kind of business?
Mr. Kosts (laughing).There is nothing to prevent them, your Grace, save their incapacity.
The Duke (with dignity).No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts, can be incapable!
Mr. Kosts (puzzled).I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite understand——
The Duke.Then I will explain. You tell me that barristers can now act as solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood is thicker than water.” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon me, I am sure, if I suggest that the connection of your firm with my family has not been unlucrative.
Mr. Kosts.On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be sufficiently grateful.
The Duke.Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure business. It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I understand you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to undertake solicitor’s work——
Mr. Kosts (blankly).Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.
The Duke (haughtily).Any relative of the Duchess can reduce theory to practice.
Mr. Kosts (bowing).No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.
The Duke.Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I have hitherto given to you, Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration must be made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure you will not be offended when for the future I give him the whole of the legal work I used to give to you. You see, after all (as you explained to me just now) it is purely a matter of business!
[Scene closes in upon Mr. Kosts’ discomfiture.
Policeman accosting tramp who has pushed into the queuePolice Tyranny.—Policeman (to obtrusive tramp).“Now then, what d’ye mean by shoving yourself in before these poor people out o’ your turn? You stand back or—(thinking deeply)—you shall have such awash!!”
Police Tyranny.—Policeman (to obtrusive tramp).“Now then, what d’ye mean by shoving yourself in before these poor people out o’ your turn? You stand back or—(thinking deeply)—you shall have such awash!!”
Courtroom sceneImpracticable.—Judge (to witness).“Repeat the prisoner’s statement to you, exactly in his own words. Now, what did he say?”Witness.“My lord, he said he stole the pig——”Judge.“Impossible! He couldn’t have used the third person.”Witness.“My lord, there was no third person!”Judge.“Nonsense! I suppose you mean that he said, ‘I stole the pig’!”Witness (shocked).“Oh, my lord! he never mentioned your lordship’s name!”[Dismissed ignominiously.
Impracticable.—Judge (to witness).“Repeat the prisoner’s statement to you, exactly in his own words. Now, what did he say?”
Witness.“My lord, he said he stole the pig——”
Judge.“Impossible! He couldn’t have used the third person.”
Witness.“My lord, there was no third person!”
Judge.“Nonsense! I suppose you mean that he said, ‘I stole the pig’!”
Witness (shocked).“Oh, my lord! he never mentioned your lordship’s name!”
[Dismissed ignominiously.
Fat man, wife handing him lunchboxThe British Juryman Preparing for the Worst.—Wife of his Bussum.“There, my love, I think with what you have had, and this box of concentrated luncheon, you may hold out against any of ’em!”
The British Juryman Preparing for the Worst.—Wife of his Bussum.“There, my love, I think with what you have had, and this box of concentrated luncheon, you may hold out against any of ’em!”
New Legal Work.(By the author of “In Silk Attire.”)—“The briefless junior; or, plenty of stuff to spare.”
Musical Law.—“Bar’s rest.” Long vacation.
A Laborious Occupation.—Shop-lifting.
A Lawsuit now pending in Tennessee between two families has run for such a length of time, that it takes six men of the strongest memories in the State to remember when it was begun.
Two Mr. Punch justices
(By A. Briefless, Junior)
“Here is something for you, sir,” said a sharp-looking youth, suddenly thrusting into my hand a document.
I quietly put the paper into my pocket without comment (I had no wish to bandy words with the process-server), and reflected that some half-forgotten tailor, or too-long-neglected hatter, was a person of no real delicacy of feeling.
“And will you see to the matter at once?” continued the sharp-looking youth, “as they can’t wait.”
“Certainly,” I replied, with a dignity which I intended should suggest that I had a perfectly fabulous account at Coutts’s. My account at the celebrated banking firm referred toisperfectly fabulous.
“All right, sir. I suppose we shall see you in the morning.”
The youth disappeared, and I journeyed home. As I walked along the Thames Embankment I pondered over the alterations made in our law by the Judicature Acts.
“When I was a younger man,” I murmured to myself, “a copy of a writ, when considered entirely without prejudice, was rather a handsome instrument than otherwise. The direct message from the Sovereign, for instance, used to be very far from ungratifying, although perhaps it would have been better had the greeting been joined to a matter a little less embarrassing, say, than an unsatisfied claim for the value of certain shirts. But nowadays the neat crisp document of the olden time seems to be abandoned for a far more bulky paper—for the packet I have in my pocket!”
However, I threw off my cares, and thought no more of the affair until the next morning, when, putting on my overcoat, I discovered, to my intense astonishment, to my overwhelming joy, that what I had believed to be a writ was actually a brief. I had to sit down on the hall-chair for five minutes to compose myself. My emotion was perfectly painful—it was my first, my maiden brief! The news spread like wildfire through the household, and the distant strains of “Rule, Britannia!” were heard coming from the nursery.
Man in pub
There was but one thing to be done, and I did it. I hurriedly collected all the law-books I possess (Shearwood’s “Abridgment of Real Property,” an odd volume of Stephen’s “Commentaries,” and an early edition of “The Comic Blackstone”), jumped into a hansom, and rattled down to Pump-Handle Court. Arrived there, I handed my brief to my clerk (the sharp-looking youth who had given me the paper turned out to be my clerk), and instructed him to put it in a prominent position in his own room, so that my client, when he arrived, might see it, and conclude that I had so many matters just then in hand that I had not had as yet time to look into his case, which was waiting its turn for consideration with numerous others. I was ashamed to give these instructions, but reflected that it was important, having regard to my professional prospects, that my expected visitor should be kept as long as possible in ignorance of the fact that he was my solitary employer.
“All right, sir,” said my clerk, with a facial gesture which I regret to say savoured of a wink. “He will be here by eleven.”
I now entered my own room. It was rather in disorder. I share my chambers with an intimate friend, and as I am very often away, he sometimes uses mysanctum(entirely with my consent) as a receptacle for empty packing-cases, old cigar-boxes, superfluous window-curtains, and worn-out boots. With the assistance of my clerk, who followed me in, I soon set things to rights, putting on the month-indicator from October to March, filling the inkstand with copying fluid, and removing somebody’s pot-hat from the brows of my bust of the late Lord Chancellor Brougham.
“There, sir, I think that will do now,” said my clerk, with a look of satisfaction, and he left me seated at my desk turning over some dusty brief paper which I had found knocking about in one of the drawers.
My room is a semi-subterranean apartment in a circular tower. I have two small casements looking out upon some gardens, but as I occupy the basement, I can only see the ankles of the passers-by, and am myself free from observation save when some more than usually unruly urchin brings his head level with mine, and makes faces at me through the window.
I repeat I was turning over the dusty brief-paper, and toying with Mr. Shearwood’s very excellent “Abridgment,” when the door was thrown open and my clerk announced, “Someone to see you, sir.”
“You will pardon me,” I said, without looking up, consulting in the meantime the hand-book before me with knitted brows, “but I am engaged for a few moments. I will attend to you directly.”
“Oh, certainly, sir,” replied the new-comer, in the most deferential tone possible; and he took a seat.
I jotted down the incidents of Borough English, frowned as if engaged in deep thought, and then smilingly turned to my visitor, and asked him how I could be of service to him.
“I want you to look into this case, sir,” he began, with a timidity that was as unexpected as it was gratifying—his nervousness gave me confidence.
“By all means,” I responded heartily, dipping a pen into the ink, and putting a fresh sheet of brief-paper over the page I had already used for the incidents of Borough English and a freehand sketch of a British Grenadier, “I shall be glad to hear all about it.”
“I must apologise for intruding upon you, knowing how busy you are, but I thought you would be interested in what I have to place before you.”
“Pray do not apologise,” I hastened to say; and then added, with a little laugh, “I certainly have taken you out of your turn, but then this is our first transaction. I hope it will not be the last.”
“I hope so, too,” replied my client, fervently. “If you will allow me, I will often place things like this before you. I should have come to you earlier only so many gentlemen object to seeing me.”
“Dear me!” I replied, a little surprised. “I suppose some men don’t care to jeopardise their professional reputation by failure. And now, with your permission, I will look into your case.”
“It is here, sir,” he answered, opening a rather large portfolio. “You will notice that these are very beautiful engravings.”
“Certainly,” I returned, making a note on the paper before me; “as you say, most beautiful. No doubt of very considerable value.”
“I am glad you like them, sir. They are forced to be got rid of at an enormous sacrifice.”
“Indeed!” I ejaculated, continuing my notes.
“Yes, sir. They are being sold at something less than cost-price.”
“Really!” And again I jotted down the particulars. Then I said, to show that I comprehended the affair at a glance, “I suppose there has been a dispute about the copyright?”
“No, sir, that’s all right.”
“Ah, to be sure—then there has been a breach of contract?” But finding that this also was not the case, I said, with heartybonhomie, “Well, my dear sir, as I have made two bad guesses, perhaps you had better tell me what I can do for you.”
My client coughed deferentially, and then produced a paper.
“I beg your pardon, sir, but would you mind signing this?”
I read the document—it ran as follows:—
“To Messrs. Scamp and Vamp.—I hereby agree to purchase one copy of your ‘Pillars of the Law from the Earliest Ages,’ profusely illustrated, in one hundred and fifty-seven monthly parts, at seven shillings and sixpence a part. I further agree to pay for this work annually, at the rate of twelve parts in advance.”
There was a solemn and awful pause. Then I drew myself up to my full height, and in a voice of thunderordered him out! I know nothowhe disappeared—in a moment he had vanished, portfolio and all!
Rather fatigued after my late exertions, I called to my clerk, and with weary haughtiness desired him to bring me my brief, as I wished to “glance through the papers.”
“Your brief, sir?” he returned. “Oh, I should have told you, sir, that, while you were talking to the man with the engravings, they called to see you. They said they were in a hurry, and as you were engaged, they would take it to some one else.”
“Take it to some one else!” My maiden brief!
At this point I must pause—for the moment, I can write no more!
A. Briefless, Junior.
Two safe-breakersHISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. DICKENS UP TO DATE[“Two burglars, charged with burglary, frankly admitted that the reason they wore gloves was because they didn’t want to leave their finger impressions for identification purposes.”—Daily Paper.]First Cultured Safe-Breaker.“Harris.”Second C. S.-B.“Sir.”First C. S.-B.“Have you got your gloves on?”Second C. S.-B.“Yes, sir.”First C. S.-B.“Then take the kiver off!”
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. DICKENS UP TO DATE
[“Two burglars, charged with burglary, frankly admitted that the reason they wore gloves was because they didn’t want to leave their finger impressions for identification purposes.”—Daily Paper.]
First Cultured Safe-Breaker.“Harris.”
Second C. S.-B.“Sir.”
First C. S.-B.“Have you got your gloves on?”
Second C. S.-B.“Yes, sir.”
First C. S.-B.“Then take the kiver off!”
In the lawyer’s officeMISSING THE POINTLegal Adviser (speaking technically).“In short, you want to meet your creditors.”Innocent Client.“Hang it, no! Why, they’re the very people I’m most anxious to avoid!”
MISSING THE POINT
Legal Adviser (speaking technically).“In short, you want to meet your creditors.”
Innocent Client.“Hang it, no! Why, they’re the very people I’m most anxious to avoid!”
Barrister winding up his speechA FINAL APPEAL“Now, gentlemen of the jury, I throw myself upon your impartial judgment as husbands and fathers, and I confidently ask, does the prisoner look like a man who would knock down and trample upon the wife of his bosom? Gentleman, I have done!”
A FINAL APPEAL
“Now, gentlemen of the jury, I throw myself upon your impartial judgment as husbands and fathers, and I confidently ask, does the prisoner look like a man who would knock down and trample upon the wife of his bosom? Gentleman, I have done!”
A machine (in the form of a blindfolded justice): to obtain a verdict put a penny in the slotAUTOMATIC ARBITRATIONNo more exorbitant fees! No more law! No more trials!
AUTOMATIC ARBITRATION
No more exorbitant fees! No more law! No more trials!
Old lady and policemanExclusion.—Policeman (at the Law Courts).“Strict orders to-day, m’m. No one to be admitted unless they’re in wig an’—that is—beg pardon, m’m—barristers, m’m—only barristers!”
Exclusion.—Policeman (at the Law Courts).“Strict orders to-day, m’m. No one to be admitted unless they’re in wig an’—that is—beg pardon, m’m—barristers, m’m—only barristers!”
ConstableSir Joshua Dogberry.“If you meet a ticket-of-leave man, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them the better for your honesty.”—Much Ado about Nothing.
Sir Joshua Dogberry.“If you meet a ticket-of-leave man, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them the better for your honesty.”—Much Ado about Nothing.
I don’t get this one so I can’t do an informative alt-textNEWS FROM THE LAW COURTSCold but in-vig-orating.
NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS
Cold but in-vig-orating.
Old Style.—Nervous Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel (sharply).Now, sir, do know the value of an oath?
Witness (taken aback).Why, yes—of course.
Coun. (pointing at him).Come, no prevarication! Do you understand the value, or do you not?
Wit. (confused).If you will allow me to explain——
Coun.Come, sir, you surely can answer yes or no—now which is it?
Wit.But you will not let me explain——
Coun.Don’t be impertinent, sir! Explanation is unneeded. Mind, you have been sworn, so if youdon’tknow the value of an oath, it will be the worse for you.
Lawyer in boxing gloves“DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE”“In these days of conflicts between counsel, I propose to make a few additions to my usual forensic costume.”—Extract from a Letter of Mr. Welnown Kaysee, K.C., to a young friend.
“DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE”
“In these days of conflicts between counsel, I propose to make a few additions to my usual forensic costume.”—Extract from a Letter of Mr. Welnown Kaysee, K.C., to a young friend.
Wit.But you won’t let me speak.
Coun.Won’t let you speak! Why, I can’t get a word out of you. Now, sir, in plain English—are you a liar or not?
Wit. (appealing to Judge).Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge.Be good enough to answer the counsel’s questions. I have nothing to do with it.
Coun.Now sir—once more; are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit.I don’t think that’s the way you would speak to me——
Coun.Don’t bully me, sir! You are here to tell us the truth; or as much of it as you can.
Wit.But surely you ought to——
Coun.Don’t tell me what I ought to do, sir. Again, are you a liar, or are you not?
Wit.Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question?
Coun.You are not there to ask me questions, sir, but to answermyquestions toyou.
Wit.Well, I decline to reply.
Judge (to Witness).Now you had better be careful. If you do not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to send you to gaol for contempt of court.
Coun.Now you hear what his lordship says, and now, once more, are you a liar or are you not?
Wit. (confused).I don’t know.
Coun. (to Jury).He doesn’t know! I need ask nothing further!
[Sits down.
Foreman (to Judge).May we not ask, my lord, how you consider this case is being conducted.
Judge.With pleasure, gentlemen! I will repeat what I remarked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that will describe the matter is “noble.” Distinctly noble!
[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness.
New Style.—Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Coun.I presume, sir, that——
Wit. (sharply).You have no right to presume. Ask me what you want, and have done with it.
Coun. (amiably).I think we shall get on better—more quickly—if you kindly attend to my questions.
Wit.Think so? Well, it’s a matter of opinion. But, as I have an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you are instructed to ask and settle the matter off-hand.
Coun.If you will allow me to speak——
Wit.Speak!—I like that! Why, I can’t get a rational word out of you!
Coun. (appealing to Judge).Surely, my lord, he has no right to speak to me like this?
Judge.Be good enough to attend to the witness. I have nothing to do with it.
Wit. (impatiently).Now, sir, am I to wait all day?
Coun. (mildly).I really venture to suggest that is not quite the tone to adopt.
Wit.Don’t bully me, sir! I am here to answer any questions you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth answering.
Coun.But come—surely you ought to——
Wit.I am not here to learn my duty from you, sir. You don’t know your subject, sir. How long have you been called?
Coun.I decline to reply.
Judge (to Counsel).Now you had really better be careful. I wish to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your Benchers.
Wit.You hear what his lordship says. What are you going to do next?
Coun. (confused).I don’t know.
Wit. (to Jury).He doesn’t know! I needn’t stay here any longer.
[“Stands” down.
Judge (to Jury).May I ask you, gentlemen, how you consider this case is being conducted?
Foreman of the Jury.With pleasure, my lord. We were all using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We consider the deportment of the witness “noble.” Distinctly noble.
[Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
Lady speaking to urchinLady (solemnly).“When you see a boy always loafing round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting himself for?”Boy.“To be a policeman, mum!”
Lady (solemnly).“When you see a boy always loafing round street corners, what place in life do you suppose he is fitting himself for?”
Boy.“To be a policeman, mum!”
Tomkins reaching to check his wallet is still thereTomkins looking too long at thecartes de visiteof the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened to be passing at the time, “Yourcoatpockets are quite safe; we don’t do it that way!”
Tomkins looking too long at thecartes de visiteof the lawyers in Chancery Lane, is seized with a sudden involuntary panic. “Don’t be alarmed, my boy,” said his friend Wigsby, who happened to be passing at the time, “Yourcoatpockets are quite safe; we don’t do it that way!”
Lady’s hair styled like a lawyer’s wigNOVELTY IN COIFFURESSuitable for ladies called to the bar (as they soon will be, of course).
NOVELTY IN COIFFURES
Suitable for ladies called to the bar (as they soon will be, of course).
Air—“The Sea! the Sea!”
The Fee! the fee! the welcome fee!The new! the fresh! the scarce to me!Without a brief, without a pound,I travel the circuit round and round.I draw with the pens at each assize,If ink before me handy lies.I’ve got a fee! I’ve got a fee!I’ve got what I so seldom see;With the judge above, and the usher below,I wait upon the last back row.Should a silk gown come with argument deep,What matter! I can go to sleep.I love (oh,howI love) to bideAt some fierce, foaming, senior’s side.When every mad word stuns the court,And the judges wish he’d cut it short,And tell him the case of So-and-So,His argument doth to atoms blow.I never hear Chancery’s dull, tame jaw,But I love the fun of the Common Law,And fly to the Exchequer, Bench and Pleas,As a mouse flies back to a Cheshire cheese!For the cheese it always seem’d to me,Especially if I got a fee!My whiskers are white, my head is bald,Since the dreary hour when I was call’d.The Steward he whistled as out he toldThe fees at my call from a packet of gold.And never was heard of a step so wildAs took to the bar the briefless child.I’ve liv’d since then, in term and out,Some thirty years, or thereabout;Without a brief, but power to rangeFrom court to court by way of change.And death, whenever he comes to me,Will find me most likely without a fee.
The Fee! the fee! the welcome fee!The new! the fresh! the scarce to me!Without a brief, without a pound,I travel the circuit round and round.I draw with the pens at each assize,If ink before me handy lies.I’ve got a fee! I’ve got a fee!I’ve got what I so seldom see;With the judge above, and the usher below,I wait upon the last back row.Should a silk gown come with argument deep,What matter! I can go to sleep.I love (oh,howI love) to bideAt some fierce, foaming, senior’s side.When every mad word stuns the court,And the judges wish he’d cut it short,And tell him the case of So-and-So,His argument doth to atoms blow.I never hear Chancery’s dull, tame jaw,But I love the fun of the Common Law,And fly to the Exchequer, Bench and Pleas,As a mouse flies back to a Cheshire cheese!For the cheese it always seem’d to me,Especially if I got a fee!My whiskers are white, my head is bald,Since the dreary hour when I was call’d.The Steward he whistled as out he toldThe fees at my call from a packet of gold.And never was heard of a step so wildAs took to the bar the briefless child.I’ve liv’d since then, in term and out,Some thirty years, or thereabout;Without a brief, but power to rangeFrom court to court by way of change.And death, whenever he comes to me,Will find me most likely without a fee.
The Fee! the fee! the welcome fee!The new! the fresh! the scarce to me!Without a brief, without a pound,I travel the circuit round and round.I draw with the pens at each assize,If ink before me handy lies.I’ve got a fee! I’ve got a fee!I’ve got what I so seldom see;With the judge above, and the usher below,I wait upon the last back row.Should a silk gown come with argument deep,What matter! I can go to sleep.
The Fee! the fee! the welcome fee!
The new! the fresh! the scarce to me!
Without a brief, without a pound,
I travel the circuit round and round.
I draw with the pens at each assize,
If ink before me handy lies.
I’ve got a fee! I’ve got a fee!
I’ve got what I so seldom see;
With the judge above, and the usher below,
I wait upon the last back row.
Should a silk gown come with argument deep,
What matter! I can go to sleep.
I love (oh,howI love) to bideAt some fierce, foaming, senior’s side.When every mad word stuns the court,And the judges wish he’d cut it short,And tell him the case of So-and-So,His argument doth to atoms blow.
I love (oh,howI love) to bide
At some fierce, foaming, senior’s side.
When every mad word stuns the court,
And the judges wish he’d cut it short,
And tell him the case of So-and-So,
His argument doth to atoms blow.
I never hear Chancery’s dull, tame jaw,But I love the fun of the Common Law,And fly to the Exchequer, Bench and Pleas,As a mouse flies back to a Cheshire cheese!For the cheese it always seem’d to me,Especially if I got a fee!
I never hear Chancery’s dull, tame jaw,
But I love the fun of the Common Law,
And fly to the Exchequer, Bench and Pleas,
As a mouse flies back to a Cheshire cheese!
For the cheese it always seem’d to me,
Especially if I got a fee!
My whiskers are white, my head is bald,Since the dreary hour when I was call’d.The Steward he whistled as out he toldThe fees at my call from a packet of gold.And never was heard of a step so wildAs took to the bar the briefless child.I’ve liv’d since then, in term and out,Some thirty years, or thereabout;Without a brief, but power to rangeFrom court to court by way of change.And death, whenever he comes to me,Will find me most likely without a fee.
My whiskers are white, my head is bald,
Since the dreary hour when I was call’d.
The Steward he whistled as out he told
The fees at my call from a packet of gold.
And never was heard of a step so wild
As took to the bar the briefless child.
I’ve liv’d since then, in term and out,
Some thirty years, or thereabout;
Without a brief, but power to range
From court to court by way of change.
And death, whenever he comes to me,
Will find me most likely without a fee.
Two clerks talkingA Sore Point.—First Articled Clerk.“Well how did your private theatricals go off?”Second Ditto.“Pre’y well. My moustache went off at once, but nothing would induce the pistol to go off in the duel scene!”—(Dropping the subject.)—“How’s your mother?”
A Sore Point.—First Articled Clerk.“Well how did your private theatricals go off?”
Second Ditto.“Pre’y well. My moustache went off at once, but nothing would induce the pistol to go off in the duel scene!”—(Dropping the subject.)—“How’s your mother?”
Song for the Burglar to his “Pal” who “Peached.”—“Never again withyou, Robbin’.”
Suitors’ Sufferings.—As law is to rheumatism, so is equity to gout. The fusion of law and equity may be said to form the counterpart of rheumatic gout.
Two judges talking over dinner“Behind the Scenes.”—First Judge.“Breach of promise still running?”Second Judge.“Going wonderfully. No standing room. “What areyoudoing?”First Judge.“A building contract. Wretched business: not a soul in the place!”
“Behind the Scenes.”—First Judge.“Breach of promise still running?”
Second Judge.“Going wonderfully. No standing room. “What areyoudoing?”
First Judge.“A building contract. Wretched business: not a soul in the place!”
A Spring Circuit.—Jumping through the hoops held for the riders round a circus.
Suitable Site for a Police “Court.”—The area.
At the top of the street many lawyers abound,Below, at the bottom, the barges are found:Fly, honesty, fly to a safer retreat,For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the street.
At the top of the street many lawyers abound,Below, at the bottom, the barges are found:Fly, honesty, fly to a safer retreat,For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the street.
At the top of the street many lawyers abound,Below, at the bottom, the barges are found:Fly, honesty, fly to a safer retreat,For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the street.
At the top of the street many lawyers abound,
Below, at the bottom, the barges are found:
Fly, honesty, fly to a safer retreat,
For there’s craft in the river, and craft in the street.
Three lawyers bowing in farewellAU REVOIR!
AU REVOIR!
BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.