Voice from bottom of ditchNUNC AUT NUNQUAMVoice from bottom of ditch."Hold hard a minute! My money has slipped out of my pockets, and it's all down here somewhere!"
Voice from bottom of ditch."Hold hard a minute! My money has slipped out of my pockets, and it's all down here somewhere!"
A REFORMED CHARACTERA REFORMED CHARACTERJohn."Goin' to give up 'untin'! Deary! deary! An' 'ow's that, missie?"Little Miss Di."Well, you see, John, I find my cousin Charlie, who is going to be a curate, does not approve of hunting women, so I intend to be a district visitor instead!"
John."Goin' to give up 'untin'! Deary! deary! An' 'ow's that, missie?"
Little Miss Di."Well, you see, John, I find my cousin Charlie, who is going to be a curate, does not approve of hunting women, so I intend to be a district visitor instead!"
WHO'S WHOMOTTOES; OR, "WHO'S WHO?"Mrs. Prettyphat. Family Motto—"Medici jussu."
Mrs. Prettyphat. Family Motto—"Medici jussu."
Huntsman(on being introduced to future wife of M.F.H..) "Proud to make your acquaintance, miss! Known the Capting, miss, for nigh on ten seasons, and never saw 'im turn 'is 'ead from hanything as was jumpable! Knows a 'oss and knows a 'ound! Can ride one and 'unt t'other; and if that ain't as much as can be looked for in a 'usband, miss, why, I'll be jiggered!"
Huntsman(who has just drawn Mr. Van Wyck's coverts blank.) "Rather short of cubs, I'm afraid, sir!"
Mr. Van Wyck(who has very recently acquired his country seat.) "Most extraordinary! Can't understand it at all! Why, I told my keeper to order a dozen only last week!"
STORIES WITHOUT WORDSSTORIES WITHOUT WORDSHow "the second horseman" went home.
How "the second horseman" went home.
go home at onceScene—As above.Time—Mid-day.Sport—None up to now.Stout Party(about to leave.) "Most extr'ordinary thing. Whenever I go home, they always have a rattling good run."Candid Friend."Then, for goodness' sake,go home at once!"
Scene—As above.Time—Mid-day.Sport—None up to now.
Stout Party(about to leave.) "Most extr'ordinary thing. Whenever I go home, they always have a rattling good run."
Candid Friend."Then, for goodness' sake,go home at once!"
MOST EXTRAORDINARYMOST EXTRAORDINARYDismounted Sportsman."Now, how the deuce did my hat manage to get up there?"
Dismounted Sportsman."Now, how the deuce did my hat manage to get up there?"
Huntsman(to Boy, who is riding his second horse.) "Hi, there! What the doose are yer doin' of with that second 'oss?"
Boy(Irish, and only just come to the Hunt stables from a Racing Establishment.) "Arrah thin, if oi roides oi roides to win! and divil a second is he goin' to be at all, at all!!"
Member of Hunt(to Farmer.) "I wouldn't ride over those seeds if I were you. They belong to a disagreeable sort of fellow, who might make a fuss about it."
Farmer."Well, sir, as him's me, he won't say nothing about it to-day."
Extract from a letter(Extract from a letter received by Mr. Shootall on the morning when hounds were expected to draw his covers)Leadenhall Market, Thursday.Sir,—Your esteemed order to hand. We regret that we are quite out of foxes at present; but, as you mentioned they were for children's pets, we thought guinea pigs might do instead, so are sending half a dozen to-day. Hoping, &c., &c.
(Extract from a letter received by Mr. Shootall on the morning when hounds were expected to draw his covers)
Leadenhall Market, Thursday.
Sir,—Your esteemed order to hand. We regret that we are quite out of foxes at present; but, as you mentioned they were for children's pets, we thought guinea pigs might do instead, so are sending half a dozen to-day. Hoping, &c., &c.
(Pity the Sorrows of a poor Hunting Man!)
(Pity the Sorrows of a poor Hunting Man!)
Sportsman(suffering from intense aberration of mind in consequence of the weather, in reply to wife of his bosom.) "Put out? Why, o' course I'm put out. Been just through the village, and hang me if at least half a dozen fools haven't told me that it's nice seasonable weather!"
Mr. Hardhit."Don't you think, Miss Highflier, that men look much better in pink—less like waiters?"
Miss Highflier."Yes, but more like ringmasters—eh?"
[Hardhit isn't a bit offended, but seizes the opportunity.
HINTS TO BEGINNERSHINTS TO BEGINNERSIn mounting your horse, always stand facing his tail.
In mounting your horse, always stand facing his tail.
tennis-ball hunting costumeThe patent pneumatic tennis-ball hunting costume. Falling a pleasure.
The patent pneumatic tennis-ball hunting costume. Falling a pleasure.
Go on awaySecond Whip."G-aw-ne away!"Middle-aged Diana."Go on away, indeed! Impertinence! I'll go just when I'm ready!"
Second Whip."G-aw-ne away!"
Middle-aged Diana."Go on away, indeed! Impertinence! I'll go just when I'm ready!"
CASE OF REAL DISTRESSA CASE OF REAL DISTRESSFox-hunter."Here's a bore, Jack! The ground is half a foot thick with snow, and it's freezing like mad!"
Fox-hunter."Here's a bore, Jack! The ground is half a foot thick with snow, and it's freezing like mad!"
One of the best runs of the season.
Good scent all the way.
Sir Heavistone Stogdon unfortunately fell at a stiff bank and broke his collar-bone.
At the last moment, I regret to say, the fox got away.
A FOX HUNTA FOX HUNT(After a tapestry)
(After a tapestry)
He encounters a coombBUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETHe encounters a "coomb," and wonders if it is soft at the bottom.
He encounters a "coomb," and wonders if it is soft at the bottom.
THE DEVON AND SOMERSETWITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETSportsman(from the bog.) "Confound you, didn't you say there was a sound bottom here?"Shepherd."Zo there be, maister; but thou 'aven't got down to un yet!"
Sportsman(from the bog.) "Confound you, didn't you say there was a sound bottom here?"
Shepherd."Zo there be, maister; but thou 'aven't got down to un yet!"
WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETBUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETHow he found a "Warrantable Deer."
How he found a "Warrantable Deer."
WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETBUGGLES WITH THE DEVON AND SOMERSETInDevonshire.
InDevonshire.
Jones(who has been having a fair bucketing for the last half-hour, as he passes friend, in his mad career.) "I'd give a fiver to get off this brute!"
Friend(brutally.) "Don't chuck your money away, old chap! You'll be off for less than that!"
Leading Sportsman."Hold ha—rd! Here's some more of that confounded barbed wire! Dashed if I don't think this country is mainly inhabited by retired fishing-tackle makers!"
[Makes for nearest gate, followed by sympathetic field.
[Makes for nearest gate, followed by sympathetic field.
Jenkinson(to M.F.H., who dislikes being bothered.) "What do you think of this horse?" (No answer.) "Bred him myself, you know!"
M.F.H.(looking at horse out of corner of his eye.) "Umph! I thought you couldn't have been such a silly idiot as to haveboughthim!"
it's freezing againTHE VOICE OF SPRINGBibulous Binks."Gad, it's freezing again!"
Bibulous Binks."Gad, it's freezing again!"
A BLANK DAYA BLANK—BLANK—DAY
WHOSE FAULTWHOSE FAULT?"Hecanjump, but hewon't!"
"Hecanjump, but hewon't!"
A VIEW HALLOOA VIEW HALLOO(Hounds at fault)Whip(bustling up to young Hodge, who has just begun to wave his cap and sing out lustily.) "Now then, where is he?"Young H."Yonder, sir! Acomin' across yonder!"Whip."Get out, why there ain't no fox there stoopid!"Young H."No, sir; but there be our Billy on his jackass!"
(Hounds at fault)
Whip(bustling up to young Hodge, who has just begun to wave his cap and sing out lustily.) "Now then, where is he?"
Young H."Yonder, sir! Acomin' across yonder!"
Whip."Get out, why there ain't no fox there stoopid!"
Young H."No, sir; but there be our Billy on his jackass!"
I dropped my whipMiss Nelly(to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the Season.) "Oh, Mr. Rowel, do you mind going back? I dropped my whip at the last fence!"
Miss Nelly(to her Slave, in the middle of the best thing of the Season.) "Oh, Mr. Rowel, do you mind going back? I dropped my whip at the last fence!"
M.F.H.(to Youth from neighbouring Hunt, who has been making himself very objectionable.) "Now, look here, young man. I go cub-hunting for the purpose of educatingmy ownpuppies. As you belong to another pack, I'll thank you to take yourself home!"
HUNTING MEMORANDUMHUNTING MEMORANDUMAppearance of things in general to a gentleman who has just turned a complete somersault!* &c., &c., represent sparks of divers beautiful colours.
Appearance of things in general to a gentleman who has just turned a complete somersault!
* &c., &c., represent sparks of divers beautiful colours.
LE SPORTMAN"LE SPORTMAN""Hi!! Hi!! Stop ze chasse! I tomble—I faloff!Stop ze fox!"
"Hi!! Hi!! Stop ze chasse! I tomble—I faloff!Stop ze fox!"
Too sleepy"CUBBING EVENTS CAST THEIR SHADOWS"Half-awakened un-enthusiastic Sportsman(who wished to go out cub-hunting, but has entirely changed his mind, drowsily addressing rather astonished burglar.) "Awright, old boy. Can't come with you this morning. Too sleepy."[Turns round and resumes deep sleep where he left off.]
Half-awakened un-enthusiastic Sportsman(who wished to go out cub-hunting, but has entirely changed his mind, drowsily addressing rather astonished burglar.) "Awright, old boy. Can't come with you this morning. Too sleepy."
[Turns round and resumes deep sleep where he left off.]
A BROKEN PLEDGEA BROKEN PLEDGESportsman on bank(to Friend in brook.) "Hallo, Thompson, is that you? Why, I thought you had joined the 'No Drinks in between Meals' Party!"
Sportsman on bank(to Friend in brook.) "Hallo, Thompson, is that you? Why, I thought you had joined the 'No Drinks in between Meals' Party!"
First Sportsman(cantering along easily.) "I say, we shall see you at dinner on the nineteenth, shan't we?"
Second Ditto(whose horse is very fresh, and bolting with him.) "If the beast goes on like this—hanged if you'll ever see me again."
LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YETTHERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD DOG YETEx-M.F.H.(eighty-nine and paralytic.) "Fora-a-d! Fora-a-d! Fora-a-a-d!"
Ex-M.F.H.(eighty-nine and paralytic.) "Fora-a-d! Fora-a-d! Fora-a-a-d!"
Don't ride over the lineHuntsman(making a cast for the line of the fox, near a railway.) "Hold hard, please! Don't ride over the line!"Would-be Thrusters."Oh, no, we won't. There's a bridge farther on!"
Huntsman(making a cast for the line of the fox, near a railway.) "Hold hard, please! Don't ride over the line!"
Would-be Thrusters."Oh, no, we won't. There's a bridge farther on!"
it's a new hare"RANK BLASPHEMY"Squire Oldboy, M.H.(enjoying a long and very slow hunt.) "There she goes! Afraid it's a new hare though."Bored Sportsman."How lucky! The other must be getting doosid old."
Squire Oldboy, M.H.(enjoying a long and very slow hunt.) "There she goes! Afraid it's a new hare though."
Bored Sportsman."How lucky! The other must be getting doosid old."
Seen the foxA CHECKHuntsman."Seen the fox, my boy?"Boy."No, I ain't!"Huntsman."Then, what are you hollarin' for?"Boy(who has been scaring rooks.) "'Cos I'm paid for it!"
Huntsman."Seen the fox, my boy?"
Boy."No, I ain't!"
Huntsman."Then, what are you hollarin' for?"
Boy(who has been scaring rooks.) "'Cos I'm paid for it!"
EASIER SAID THAN DONEEASIER SAID THAN DONESixteen-stone Sportsman (who has been nearly put down from a "rotten" landing, to little Bricks, 9st. 2lb.): "Do you mind putting me back in the saddle, sir?"
Sixteen-stone Sportsman (who has been nearly put down from a "rotten" landing, to little Bricks, 9st. 2lb.): "Do you mind putting me back in the saddle, sir?"
TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H.THE TROUBLES OF AN M.F.H.M.F.H.(to stranger, who is violently gesticulating to hounds.) "When you have donefeeding your chickens, sir, perhaps you will allow me to hunt my hounds!"
M.F.H.(to stranger, who is violently gesticulating to hounds.) "When you have donefeeding your chickens, sir, perhaps you will allow me to hunt my hounds!"
Mr. Tinkler and his inamorataNobody was near hounds in the big wood when they pulled down the cub except Mr. Tinkler and his inamorata. He rashly volunteers to secure the brush for her!
Nobody was near hounds in the big wood when they pulled down the cub except Mr. Tinkler and his inamorata. He rashly volunteers to secure the brush for her!
What a beastly day"Morning, Tom. What a beastly day!""It ain't a day, sir. I call it an interval between two bloomin' nights!"
"Morning, Tom. What a beastly day!"
"It ain't a day, sir. I call it an interval between two bloomin' nights!"
A BAD LOOK-OUTA BAD LOOK-OUTSportsman(to Friend whom he has mounted.) "For goodness' sake, old chap, don't let her put you down! She's certain to savage you!"
Sportsman(to Friend whom he has mounted.) "For goodness' sake, old chap, don't let her put you down! She's certain to savage you!"
ECHOES OF THE CHASEECHOES OF THE CHASEHuntsman(who has been having a very bad ride.) "Either master wants some new 'orses or a new 'untsman!"
Huntsman(who has been having a very bad ride.) "Either master wants some new 'orses or a new 'untsman!"
HINTS ON HUNTINGHINTS ON HUNTINGAlways see that your bridle reins are sound. There are times when they have a considerable strain on 'em!
Always see that your bridle reins are sound. There are times when they have a considerable strain on 'em!
Extraordinary positionSO FAR, NO FARTHERExtraordinary position assumed by Mr. Snoodle on the sudden and unexpected refusal of his horse.
Extraordinary position assumed by Mr. Snoodle on the sudden and unexpected refusal of his horse.
HARD LUCKHARD LUCKSmall Child(to Mr. Sparkin, who had come out at an unusually early hour in order to meet his inamorata at the guide-post, and pilot her out cub-hunting.) "I was to tell you she has such a bad cold she couldn't come. But I'm going with you instead, if you promise to take care of me. I'm her cousin, you know!"
Small Child(to Mr. Sparkin, who had come out at an unusually early hour in order to meet his inamorata at the guide-post, and pilot her out cub-hunting.) "I was to tell you she has such a bad cold she couldn't come. But I'm going with you instead, if you promise to take care of me. I'm her cousin, you know!"
A PSEUDO-THRUSTERA PSEUDO-THRUSTERFarmer(to Sportsman, returning from the chase.) "Beg pardon, sir, but ain't you the gent that broke down that there gate of mine this morning?"Mr. Noodel(who never by any chance jumps anything—frightfully pleased.) "Er—did I? Well, how much is the damage?"
Farmer(to Sportsman, returning from the chase.) "Beg pardon, sir, but ain't you the gent that broke down that there gate of mine this morning?"
Mr. Noodel(who never by any chance jumps anything—frightfully pleased.) "Er—did I? Well, how much is the damage?"
THE WATER TESTTHE WATER TESTWhip(bringing on tail hounds, in the rear of the field.) "Hulloah! Who've you got there?"Runner(who has just assisted sportsman out of a muddy ditch.) "Dunno. Can't tell till we've washed 'im down a bit!"
Whip(bringing on tail hounds, in the rear of the field.) "Hulloah! Who've you got there?"
Runner(who has just assisted sportsman out of a muddy ditch.) "Dunno. Can't tell till we've washed 'im down a bit!"
MOST UNFORTUNATEMOST UNFORTUNATEHorrible catastrophe which happened to Captain Fussey (our ladies' man) on his arrival at the opening meet. New coat, new boots, new horse, new everything! Hard luck!
Horrible catastrophe which happened to Captain Fussey (our ladies' man) on his arrival at the opening meet. New coat, new boots, new horse, new everything! Hard luck!
A SEVERE TESTA SEVERE TESTMiss Sally(who has just taken off her mackintosh—to ardent admirer.) "Look! they're away! Do just stuff this thing into your pocket. I'm sure I shan't want it again!"
Miss Sally(who has just taken off her mackintosh—to ardent admirer.) "Look! they're away! Do just stuff this thing into your pocket. I'm sure I shan't want it again!"
STUDY IN EXPRESSIONA STUDY IN EXPRESSIONIrate M.F.H.(who has had half an hour in the big gorse trying to get a faint-hearted fox away, galloping to "holloa" on the far side of covert.) "Confound you and your pony, sir! Get out of my way!"Little Binks, who has been trying to keep out of people's way all day, thinks he can quite understand the feelings of the hunted fox.
Irate M.F.H.(who has had half an hour in the big gorse trying to get a faint-hearted fox away, galloping to "holloa" on the far side of covert.) "Confound you and your pony, sir! Get out of my way!"
Little Binks, who has been trying to keep out of people's way all day, thinks he can quite understand the feelings of the hunted fox.
Little Binks, who has been trying to keep out of people's way all day, thinks he can quite understand the feelings of the hunted fox.
Last week our Point to Point steeplechase came off. So did several of the riders: this merelypar parenthèse. I offered to mark out the course, and, as I intended to escape the dread ordeal of riding by scratching my horse at the last moment, I thought it would be great fun to choose a very stiff, not to say bloodthirsty, line. Awful grumbling on the part of those unhappy ones who were to ride. Just as the bell rang for saddling, Captain Sproozer, ready dressed for the fray, came up to me with very long face, and said, "Beastly line this, you know, Phunker. I call it much too stiff."
I smiled in pitying and superior manner. "Think so, my dear Sproozer? My horse can't run, worse luck, but I only wishIwere going to have the gallop over it."
"So you shall, then!" cried a rasping voice, suddenly, from behind me. Sir HerculesBlizzard was the speaker, an awful man with an awful temper. "So you shall. My idiot of a jockey broke his collar-bone trying to jump one of the fences on this confounded course of yours to-day, so, as I am without a rider, you shall ride my mare Dinah."
Swallowed lump in my throat as I thanked him for his offer, but thought I had better decline, as I didn't know the mare, and besides that, I——
"Oh! all right, I know what you are going to say: that you're not much good on a horse"—(nothing of the sort! I was not going to say any such thing, confound the man!) "Of course, I know all that, and that you're not much of a rider; but I can't help myself now. It's too late to get a decent horseman, so I shall have to make shift with you."
Deuced condescending of him. I made a feeble effort to escape, and would cheerfully have paid a hundred pounds for the chance of doing so. Phil Poundaway, great friend of mine, came up and said (sympathetically, as I thought at first), "I should think you'd prefer to get off it, wouldn't you, Phunker?"
Thought he would volunteer in my place, so was perfectly frank with him. "My dear Phil, I'd give a hundred to get off——"
"Ah! you will, I expect, at the first fence, without paying the money!" he grinned, as he turned away.
Murder was in my heart at that moment. I got on Dinah, and, feeling like death, rode down to the starting-post. Thoughts of a misspent youth, of home and friends and things, came o'er me. I seemed once more to see the little rose-covered porch, the——
"What on earth are you mooning about?" thundered the Blizzardian voice in my ear. "Take hold of her head tighter than that, or you'll be off!"
The next moment the starter yelled "Go!" and away, like a whirlwind, we sped across the first field, towards a huge, thick blackthorn fence, the one I had thought to see such fun with. Fun! I never felt less funny in my life, as we approached it at the rate of two thousand miles an hour! The mare jumped high, but I jumped much higher, and seemed for a brief moment to be soaring through the blue empyrean. Somehow, the mare managed to evade me on the return journey earthwards, and, instead of alighting on the saddle, I found myself "sitting on the floor." A howl—it might have been of sympathy, but it didn't sound quite like that—arose from the crowd, and then I thought that I would go home on foot, instead of returning to explain matters to Sir Hercules. As a matter of fact, I don't much care for associating with old Blizzard, at all events, not just now.
AMENITIES OF SPORTAMENITIES OF SPORTHuntsman(to Whip, sent forward for a view.) "Haven't ye seen him, Tom?"Whip."No, sir."Huntsman."If he'd been in a pint pot, ye jolly soon would!"
Huntsman(to Whip, sent forward for a view.) "Haven't ye seen him, Tom?"
Whip."No, sir."
Huntsman."If he'd been in a pint pot, ye jolly soon would!"
HIS LITTLE DODGEHIS LITTLE DODGEFirst Hunting Man(having observed the ticket with "K" on it in his friend's hat.) "I didn't know that old gee of yours was a kicker. He looks quiet enough."Second Hunting Man."Well, he isn't really. I only wear the "K" to make people give me more room!"
First Hunting Man(having observed the ticket with "K" on it in his friend's hat.) "I didn't know that old gee of yours was a kicker. He looks quiet enough."
Second Hunting Man."Well, he isn't really. I only wear the "K" to make people give me more room!"
TRUE COURAGETRUE COURAGEWhip."Hi, sir! Keep back! The fox may break covert there!"Foreigner."Bah! I fear him not—your fox."
Whip."Hi, sir! Keep back! The fox may break covert there!"
Foreigner."Bah! I fear him not—your fox."
FORCE OF HABITTHE FORCE OF HABITSpanner(a great cyclist, whose horse has been startled by man on covert hack.) "Hi! confound you! Why the deuce don't you sound your bell!!"
Spanner(a great cyclist, whose horse has been startled by man on covert hack.) "Hi! confound you! Why the deuce don't you sound your bell!!"
CART WITHOUT THE HORSE"THE CART WITHOUT THE HORSE"Scene—Cub-hunting.Time—About one o'clock.Lady."Well, Count, what have you lost? Your lunch?"The Count(who breakfasted some time before six o'clock, a.m..) "No, no! Donner und wetter! I have him, but I have lost my teeth!"
Scene—Cub-hunting.Time—About one o'clock.
Lady."Well, Count, what have you lost? Your lunch?"
The Count(who breakfasted some time before six o'clock, a.m..) "No, no! Donner und wetter! I have him, but I have lost my teeth!"
HORRIBLE PREDICAMENTHORRIBLE PREDICAMENTGent(on mettlesome hireling.) "'Elp! 'Elp! Somebody stop 'im! 'E's going to jump, and I can't!"
Gent(on mettlesome hireling.) "'Elp! 'Elp! Somebody stop 'im! 'E's going to jump, and I can't!"
MOST EMBARRASSINGMOST EMBARRASSINGLady (hiding behind bush, to Mr. Spoodle, who has captured her horse). "Oh, thank you so much! But I hope to goodness you have found my skirt as well!"[Nice position for Mr. Spoodle, who is very bashful, and has seen nothing of the garment.
Lady (hiding behind bush, to Mr. Spoodle, who has captured her horse). "Oh, thank you so much! But I hope to goodness you have found my skirt as well!"
[Nice position for Mr. Spoodle, who is very bashful, and has seen nothing of the garment.
Very bad scent"DO NOT SPEAK TO THE MAN AT THE WHEEL"'Arry(puffing a "twopenny smoke," to huntsman, making unsuccessful cast.) "Very bad scent."Huntsman."Shockin'! Smells like burnin' seaweed!"
'Arry(puffing a "twopenny smoke," to huntsman, making unsuccessful cast.) "Very bad scent."
Huntsman."Shockin'! Smells like burnin' seaweed!"
OBEYING ORDERSOBEYING ORDERS"It's all very well for master to say 'Keep close to Miss Vera, Miles'—but I want to know 'oo's going to take Miles to the 'orsepital?"
"It's all very well for master to say 'Keep close to Miss Vera, Miles'—but I want to know 'oo's going to take Miles to the 'orsepital?"
GALLANTRY REWARDEDGALLANTRY REWARDEDLady(having had a fall at a brook, and come out the wrong side,—to stranger who has caught her horse.) "Oh, I'msomuch obliged to you! Now, do you mind just bringing him over?"
Lady(having had a fall at a brook, and come out the wrong side,—to stranger who has caught her horse.) "Oh, I'msomuch obliged to you! Now, do you mind just bringing him over?"
JUST OFFJUST OFF"Ride her on the snaffle, Tom! Don't ride her on the curb!""Hang your curb and snaffle! I've enough to do toride her on the saddle!"
"Ride her on the snaffle, Tom! Don't ride her on the curb!"
"Hang your curb and snaffle! I've enough to do toride her on the saddle!"
No more trouble from wireA Suggestion: No more trouble from wire, damage to fences, etc.
A Suggestion: No more trouble from wire, damage to fences, etc.
TRIALS OF AN M.F.H.THE TRIALS OF AN M.F.H.M.F.H.(to misguided enthusiast who has been cheering hounds on a bad scent.) "Now then! Am I going to hunt the hounds or are you?"Enthusiast(sweetly.) "Just as you please, m'lord, just as you please."
M.F.H.(to misguided enthusiast who has been cheering hounds on a bad scent.) "Now then! Am I going to hunt the hounds or are you?"
Enthusiast(sweetly.) "Just as you please, m'lord, just as you please."
OFF HIS GUARDOFF HIS GUARDFarmer(just coming up.) "Young gentleman riding your brown horse, my lord, had nasty accident a field or two back. Barbed wire—very ugly cuts!"My Lord."Tut—tut—tut! Dear—dear—dear! Not the horse, I hope?"
Farmer(just coming up.) "Young gentleman riding your brown horse, my lord, had nasty accident a field or two back. Barbed wire—very ugly cuts!"
My Lord."Tut—tut—tut! Dear—dear—dear! Not the horse, I hope?"
BON VOYAGE"BON VOYAGE!"Mossu (shot into a nice soft loam), exultingly."A—ha—a! I am safe o-vère! Now it is your turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, sare!"
Mossu (shot into a nice soft loam), exultingly."A—ha—a! I am safe o-vère! Now it is your turn, Meester Timbre Jompre! Come on, sare!"
ON THE WAY HOMEON THE WAY HOME FROM THE EXMOOR HUNT—NO KILLFair Huntress."What a pity the hounds let that splendid stag get away, Colonel, wasn't it?"Colonel."Pity! Ha, if they'd only taken my advice we should have been up with him now, instead of being miles away on the wrong track!"
Fair Huntress."What a pity the hounds let that splendid stag get away, Colonel, wasn't it?"
Colonel."Pity! Ha, if they'd only taken my advice we should have been up with him now, instead of being miles away on the wrong track!"
I lose my horseDistinguished Foreigner(to good Samaritan who has caught his horse.) "Merci bien, monsieur! You save me much trouble. Before, I lose my horse—I lose him altogether, and I must put him in the newspaper!"
Distinguished Foreigner(to good Samaritan who has caught his horse.) "Merci bien, monsieur! You save me much trouble. Before, I lose my horse—I lose him altogether, and I must put him in the newspaper!"
You shall not escapeVIVE LA CHASSE!Foreign Visitor(an enthusiastic "sportsman," viewing fox attempting to break.) "A-h-h-h! Halte-la! Halte!You shall not escape!"
Foreign Visitor(an enthusiastic "sportsman," viewing fox attempting to break.) "A-h-h-h! Halte-la! Halte!You shall not escape!"
RATHER TOO MUCHRATHER TOO MUCHLady(having just cannoned Stranger into brook.) "Oh, I'msosorry I bumped you! Would you mind going in again for my hat?"
Lady(having just cannoned Stranger into brook.) "Oh, I'msosorry I bumped you! Would you mind going in again for my hat?"
(By Our Own Novice)
(By Our Own Novice)
Good-bye to the season! E'en gluttonsHave had quite enough of the game,And if we returned to our muttons,Our horses are laid up and lame.We hunted straight on through the winter,And never were stopped by the frost,As I know right well from each splinterOf bone that my poor limbs have lost.Good-bye to the season! The "croppers"I got where the fences were tall,And Oh the immaculate "toppers"That always were crushed by my fall.Don't think though that I'm so stout-heartedAs e'er to jump hedges or dikes,It's simply that after we've started,My "gee" gallivants as it likes.In vain I put on natty breeches,And tops like Meltonian swell,It ends in the blessed old ditches,I know like the Clubs in Pall Mall.And when from a "gee" that's unrulyI fall with a terrible jar,I know that oldJorrocksspoke truly,And hunting's "the image of war."And never for me "Fair Diana"Shall smile as we know that she can,With looks that are sweeter than manna,On many a fortunate man.It adds to the pangs that I suffer,When thrown at a fence in her track,To hear her "Ridiculous duffer!"When jumping slap over my back.I've fractured my ulnar, I'm achingWhere over my ribs my horse rolled;Egad! the "Old Berkeley" is makingOne man feel uncommonly old.Good-bye to the season! I'm shatteredAnd damaged in figure and face;But thankful to find I'm not scatteredIn pieces all over the place!
Good-bye to the season! E'en gluttonsHave had quite enough of the game,And if we returned to our muttons,Our horses are laid up and lame.We hunted straight on through the winter,And never were stopped by the frost,As I know right well from each splinterOf bone that my poor limbs have lost.
Good-bye to the season! E'en gluttons
Have had quite enough of the game,
And if we returned to our muttons,
Our horses are laid up and lame.
We hunted straight on through the winter,
And never were stopped by the frost,
As I know right well from each splinter
Of bone that my poor limbs have lost.
Good-bye to the season! The "croppers"I got where the fences were tall,And Oh the immaculate "toppers"That always were crushed by my fall.Don't think though that I'm so stout-heartedAs e'er to jump hedges or dikes,It's simply that after we've started,My "gee" gallivants as it likes.
Good-bye to the season! The "croppers"
I got where the fences were tall,
And Oh the immaculate "toppers"
That always were crushed by my fall.
Don't think though that I'm so stout-hearted
As e'er to jump hedges or dikes,
It's simply that after we've started,
My "gee" gallivants as it likes.
In vain I put on natty breeches,And tops like Meltonian swell,It ends in the blessed old ditches,I know like the Clubs in Pall Mall.And when from a "gee" that's unrulyI fall with a terrible jar,I know that oldJorrocksspoke truly,And hunting's "the image of war."
In vain I put on natty breeches,
And tops like Meltonian swell,
It ends in the blessed old ditches,
I know like the Clubs in Pall Mall.
And when from a "gee" that's unruly
I fall with a terrible jar,
I know that oldJorrocksspoke truly,
And hunting's "the image of war."
And never for me "Fair Diana"Shall smile as we know that she can,With looks that are sweeter than manna,On many a fortunate man.It adds to the pangs that I suffer,When thrown at a fence in her track,To hear her "Ridiculous duffer!"When jumping slap over my back.
And never for me "Fair Diana"
Shall smile as we know that she can,
With looks that are sweeter than manna,
On many a fortunate man.
It adds to the pangs that I suffer,
When thrown at a fence in her track,
To hear her "Ridiculous duffer!"
When jumping slap over my back.
I've fractured my ulnar, I'm achingWhere over my ribs my horse rolled;Egad! the "Old Berkeley" is makingOne man feel uncommonly old.Good-bye to the season! I'm shatteredAnd damaged in figure and face;But thankful to find I'm not scatteredIn pieces all over the place!
I've fractured my ulnar, I'm aching
Where over my ribs my horse rolled;
Egad! the "Old Berkeley" is making
One man feel uncommonly old.
Good-bye to the season! I'm shattered
And damaged in figure and face;
But thankful to find I'm not scattered
In pieces all over the place!