Miss Chillington.Oh! I don't mind going on, if it amuses you.
[Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up going to juvenile parties.
[Mr. Poffley feels that "children are not so grateful as they used to be for being noticed," and that it is almost time he gave up going to juvenile parties.
After Supper
After Supper
The Hostess(returning to the drawing-room to find the centre of the floor occupied by a struggling heap of small boys, surrounded by admiring but mystified sisters). Oh! dear me, whatarethey doing? I'm so afraid my two boys are being too rough, Mrs. Hornblower.
Mrs. Hornblower(one of a row of complacent matrons). Oh! not at all, dear Mrs. Honeybun, they're havingsuchfun. Your Edwin and Arthur are only trying how many boys they can pile on the top of my Tommy.
Mrs. Honeybun.Is that Tommy underneath? Are you sure he's not getting hurt?
Mrs. Horn.Oh! he thoroughly enjoys a romp.He's made himself perfectly hoarse with laughing. Just listen to him!
Mrs. Honey.What a sturdy little fellow he is! And always in such high spirits!
Mrs. Horn(confidentially). He hasn't seemed quite the thing for the last day or two, and I was doubting whether it wouldn't be better to keep him at home to-night, but he begged so hard that I really had to give way.
Mrs. Honey.So glad you did! It doesn't seem to have done him any harm.
Mrs. Horn.Quite the contrary. And indeed, he couldn't help being the better for it; you understand so thoroughly how to make children happy, dear Mrs. Honeybun.
Mrs. Honey.It's delightful of you to say so; I try my best, but one can't always——Last year we had a conjurer, and it was only when he'd begun that we found out he was helplessly intoxicated.
Mrs. Horn.How disagreeable for you! But this time everything has been quite perfect!
Mrs. Honey.Well, I really think there has been no——Good gracious! I'msuresomebody is being suffocated!Didyou hear that?
[From the core of the heap proceeds a sound at which every mother's heart quakes—a smothered cough ending in a long-drawn and ominous "oo-ook.'
Mrs. Horn.Depend upon it, that's whooping-cough! Tommy, come here this minute. (Tommy emerges, crimson and crowing lustily; the mothers collect their offspring in dismay). Oh! Tommy, Tommy, don't tell me it'syou! It—it can't bethat, dear Mrs. Honeybun; he's been nowhere where he could possibly——You naughty boy, youknowyou are only pretending. Don't let me hear that horrid noise again.
Tommy(injured). But, mummy,reallyI wasn't——
[He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an unmistakably genuine ring.
[He justifies himself by producing a series of whoops with an unmistakably genuine ring.
Mrs. Horn.I think it's only a rather severe attack of hiccoughs, dear Mrs. Honeybun; butstill, perhaps—just to be on the safe side—I'd better——
[She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach.
[She departs in confusion, the crowd on the stairs dividing like Red Sea waves as Tommy proclaims his approach.
Mrs. Honey(after the last guest has gone). I knewsomethingwould happen! I must say it wasmostinconsiderate of Mrs. Hornblower to bring that wretched little Tommy out and break up the party like this—it's not as if we were reallyintimate! Still, it was ridiculous of everybody else to hurry off too, as if whooping-cough was anything to be so mortally afraid of! I wasn't in theleastmyself, as they might have seen. But perhaps itisjust as well that Edwin and Arthur had it last winter.
Ready Answer.—Uncle.Now, how did the mother of Moses hide him?
Niece.With a stick, uncle.
Well brought upWell brought up.—"Now then, my little men, didn't you see that board on that tree?" "Yes." "Well, then, can't you read?" "Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"
Well brought up.—"Now then, my little men, didn't you see that board on that tree?" "Yes." "Well, then, can't you read?" "Yes, but we never look at anything marked 'private.'"
The Joys of AnticipationThe Joys of Anticipation.—"When are you coming out with me, mummy?" "Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!" "Oh, but youmust, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that youdid!"
The Joys of Anticipation.—"When are you coming out with me, mummy?" "Not this morning, darling. I've too much to do!" "Oh, but youmust, mummy. I've already put it in my new diary that youdid!"
where do these fossil shells come fromRes Ant-iquæ.—"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells come from?" "Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by the sea." "How long ago, auntie dear?" "Ever so long ago, dear child." "What! Even beforeyouwere born, auntie?"
Res Ant-iquæ.—"Auntie dear, where do these fossil shells come from?" "Oh, my dear child, a great many years ago they were washed up here by the sea." "How long ago, auntie dear?" "Ever so long ago, dear child." "What! Even beforeyouwere born, auntie?"
EXTREME MEASURES"EXTREME MEASURES"Mother."If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your faceevery day next week!"
Mother."If I catch you chasing those hens again, I'll wash your faceevery day next week!"
ON THE FACE OF ITON THE FACE OF ITPretty Teacher."Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a miracle?"Johnny."Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson, 'twull be a murracle!"
Pretty Teacher."Now, Johnny Wells, can you tell me what is meant by a miracle?"
Johnny."Yes, teacher. Mother says if you dun't marry new parson, 'twull be a murracle!"
THE DUETTHE DUETFond Mother(to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room by himself as a punishment). "You can come down now, Jacky."Young Hopeful."Can't. I'se singing a duet!"
Fond Mother(to young hopeful, who has been sent upstairs to a room by himself as a punishment). "You can come down now, Jacky."
Young Hopeful."Can't. I'se singing a duet!"
UNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAYUNCLE'S BANK HOLIDAY"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"
"Oh, uncle, we're so glad we've met you. We want you to take us on the roundabout, and stay on it till tea-time!"
Young MasherYoung Masher(to rival). "I say, old, chap, I hear you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"Rival(eagerly). "Rather!"Young Masher."Well, then, run home!"
Young Masher(to rival). "I say, old, chap, I hear you're an excellent runner. Is that true?"Rival(eagerly). "Rather!"Young Masher."Well, then, run home!"
Aunt.Why, Tommy, I've only just taken a splinter out of your hand, and now you've let pussy scratch you. How did that happen?
Tommy(who has been tampering with the cat's whiskers). Well, I was only trying to get some of the splinters out of her face!
Finis