'Like the young lambs,A sporting aboutbythe side of their dams.'
'Like the young lambs,A sporting aboutbythe side of their dams.'
In disgrace, indeed! we are 'Barbara, child,' and 'Algy, my dear fellow,' and 'Bobby, love.'"
"Bobby!" cries Tou Tou, in a high key of indignation at this monstrously palpable instance of unveracity, and nearly capsizing, as she speaks, into a rabbit-hole, which, in her backward progress—we are crossing the park—she has not perceived.
"Well," replies Bobby, candidly, "that last yarn may not bequitea fact, I ownthat; but I appeal toyou, Barbara, is not it truei' the main? Are not we all 'good fellows,' and 'dear boys?'"
"I am thankful to say that we are," replies Barbara, laughing; "but how long we shall remain so is quite another thing."
"I have brought a present for him," say I, rather nervously; "do you think he will be pleased?"
"He will say that he very much regrets that you should have taken the trouble to waste your money uponhim, as he did last birthday, when we exerted ourselves to lay out ten shillings and sixpence on that spectacle-case," answers Bobby, cheerfully.
"But what is it?"
"What is it?" cry Barbara and Tou Tou in a breath.
"It is a—atraveling-bag," reply I, with a little hesitation, looking imploringly from Barbara to Bobby. "Do you think he will like it?"
"Atraveling-bag!" echoes Bobby; then, a little bluntly, "but he never travels!"
"No more he does!" reply I, feeling a good deal crestfallen. "I thought of that myself; it was not quite my own idea—it was the general's suggestion!"
"The general!" says Bobby, "whew—w!" (with a long whistle of intelligence)—"well,heought to know what he likes and dislikes, ought not he? He ought to understand his tastes, being the same age, and having been at schoo—"
"Look!" cry I, hastily, breaking into the midst of these soothing facts, which are daily becoming more distasteful to me, and pointing to the windows of the house, which are all blazing in the sunset, each pane sending forth a sheaf of fire, as if some great and mighty feast were being held within. "I see you are having an illumination in honor of us."
"Yes," answers Bobby, kindly entering into my humor, "and the reason why father did not come to meet you at the gate was that he was busy lighting the candles."
My spirits are so dashed by the more implied than expressed disapproval of my brethren, that I resolve to defer the presentation of the bag till to-morrow, or perhaps—to-morrow being Sunday, always rather a dark day in the paternal calendar—till Monday.
Dinner is over, and, as it is clearly impossible to stay in-doors on such a night, we are all out again. The three elders—father, mother, and husband—sitting sedately on three rustic chairs on the dry gravel-walk, and we young ones lying about in different attitudes of restful ease, on rugs and cloaks that we have spread upon the dewy grass. We are not far off from the others, but just so far as that our talk should be out of ear-shot. In my own mind, I am not aware that Sir Roger would far rather be withus, listening to our quick gabble, and laughing with us at our threadbare jests, which are rewarded with mirth so disproportioned to their size, than interchanging sober talk with the friend of his infancy. Once or twice I see his gray eyes straying a little wistfully toward us, but he makes no slightest movement toward joining us. I should like, if I had my own way, to ask him to come to us, to ask him to sit on the rugs and make jokes too, but some sort of false shame, some sneaky shyness before the boys, hinders me. I am leaning my elbow on the soft fur of the rug, and my head on my hand, and am staring up at the stars, cool and throbbing, so like little stiletto-holes pricked in heaven's floor, as they steal out in systems and constellations on the night.
"There is dear old Charles Wain," say I, affectionately; "I never knew where to look for him in Dresden;hownice it is to be at home again!"
"Nancy!" says Algy, gravely, "do you know I have counted, and that is thesixteenthtime that you have made that ejaculation since your arrival! Do you know—I am sorry to have to say it—that it sounds as if you had not enjoyed your honey-moon very much?"
"It sounds quite wrong, then," cry I, coming down from the stars, and speaking rather sharply. "I enjoyed it immensely; yes,immensely!"
I say this with an emphasis which is calculated to convince not only everybody else, but even myself.
"Come, now," cries Bobby, who is farthest off from me, and, to remedy this disadvantage, begins to travel quickly, in a sitting posture, along the rugs toward me, "tell the truth—gospeltruth, mind!—the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God. Would you like to be setting off on it over again, to-morrow morning?"
"Of course not," reply I, angrily; "what a silly question! Wouldany onelike to beginany thingover again, just the very minute that they had finished it? You might as well ask me would I like to have dinner over again, and begin upon a fresh plate of soup."
No one is convinced.
"WhenImarry," continues Bobby, lying flat on his back, with his hands clasped under his head (we all laugh)—"whenImarry, no one shall succeed in packingmeoff to foreign parts, with my young woman. I shall take her straight home, as if I was not ashamed of her, and we will have adance, and make a clean sweep of our own cake."
"Nancy!" cries Tou Tou, innocently, joining in the conversation for the first time, "didany one take him for yourgrandfather, as the Brat said they would?"
"Of course not!" cry I, crossly, making a spiteful lunge, as I speak, at astartle-de-buz, which has lumbered booming into my face. "Who on earth supposed they wouldreally?"
Tou Tou collapses, with a hazy impression of having been snubbed, and there is a moment's silence. A faint, fire-like flush still lingers in the west—all that is left of the dazzling pageant that the heavens sent to welcome me home. I am looking toward it—away from my brothers and sisters—away from everybody—across the indistinct garden-beds—across the misty park, and the dark tree-tops, when a voice suddenly brings me back.
"Nancy, child!" it says, "is not it rather damp for you? Would you mind puttingthison?"
I look up in a hurry, and see Sir Roger stooping over me, with an outspread cloak in his hands.
"Oh, thank you!" cry I, hurriedly, reddening—I do not quite know why—and with that same sort of sneaky feeling, as if the boys were laughing; "I am not one much apt to catch cold—none of us are—but I will, if you like."
So saying, I drew it round my shoulders. Then he goes,in a minute, without a second's lingering, back to the gravel-walk, to his wicker-chair, to grave, dry talk, to the friend of his infancy! I have an uncomfortable feeling that there is a silent and hidden laugh among the family.
"Barbara, my treasure!" says Algy, presently, in a mocking voice, "mightI be allowed to offer you our umbrella, and a pair of goloshes to defend you from the evening dews?"
"Hush!" cries Barbara, gently pushing him away, and stretching out her hand to me. She is the only one that understands. (Oh, why,whydid I ever laugh at him with them? What is there to laugh at in him?)
"My poor Barbara!" continues Algy, in a tone of affected solicitude. "If you had not a tender brother to look after you, your young limbs might be cramped with rheumatism, and twitched with palsy, before any one would think of bringingyoua cloak."
"Wait a bit!" say I, recovering my good-humor with an effort, reflecting that it is no use to be vexed—that theymeannothing—and that, lastly,I have brought it on myself!
"Wait forwhat?" asks Barbara, laughing. "Till Toothless Jack has grown used to his new teeth?"
"By-the-by," cries Bobby, eagerly, "that was since you went away, Nancy: he has set up a stock ofnewteeth—beauties—like Orient pearl—he wore them in church last Sunday for the first time. We tell Barbara that he has bought them on purpose to propose in. Now, do not you think it lookspromising?"
"We do not mean, however," says Algy, lighting a cigar, "to let Barbara gocheap! Now that we have disposed of you so advantageously, we are beginning to be rather ambitious even forTou Tou."
"We think," says Bobby, giving a friendly but severe pull to our youngest sister's outspread yellow locks, "that Tou Tou would adorn theChurch. Bishops have mostlythinlegs, so it is to be presumed that they admire them: we destine Tou Tou for a bishop's lady!"
Hereupon follows a lively fire of argument between Bobby and his sister; she protesting that she willnotespouse a bishop, and he asseverating that she shall. It lasts the best part of a quarter of hour, and ends by reducing Tou Tou to tears.
"But come," says Algy, taking his cigar out of his mouth, throwing his head back, and blowing two columns of smoke out of his nose, "let us take up our subject again where we dropped it. I should be really glad if I could get you to own that you andhe"—(indicating my husband by a jerk of his head)—"grew rather sick of each other! Whether you own it or not, I know youdid; and it would give me pleasure to hear it. You need not take it personally. I assure you that it is no slur upon him—everybodydoes. I have talked to lots of fellows who have gone through it, and they all say the same."
"Nancy!" says Bobby, abandoning, at length, his persecution of Tou Tou, and pretending not to hear her last persevering assertion of her determination not to be episcopally wed—"tell the truth, and shame the devil. It would be different if we were strangers, butwethat have sported with you since you wore frilled trousers and a bib—come now—did you, or did you not, kneel three times a day, like the prophet Daniel, looking eastward or westward, or whichever way itdidlook, and yearn for us, and Jacky, and the bun-loaf—come, now?"
"Well, yes," say I, reluctantly making the admission. "I do not say that I did not! Of course, after having been used to you all my life, it would have been very odd if I had not missed you rather badly; but that is a very different thing from beingsick of him!"
"Well, we will not saysick," returns Algy, with the air of one who is making a handsome concession, "it is a disagreeable, bilious expression, but it would be useless to try and convince me thatanyhuman affection could stand the wear and tear of twenty-eight whole days of an absolute duet and not be rather the worse for it!"
"But it wasnotan absolute duet," cry I, raising my voice a little, and speaking with some excitement; "you are talking about what you do not know! you are quite wrong."
"Well, it is not the first time in my life that I have been that," he says, philosophically; "but come—who did you the Christian office of interrupting it? tell us."
"I told you in my letters," say I, rather petulantly. "I certainly mentioned—yes, I know I did—we happened at Dresden to fall in with a friend of the general's—at least, a person he knew."
"A person he knew? What kind of a person? Man or woman?"
"Man."
"Old or young?"
"Young."
"Ugly or pretty?"
"Pretty," answer I, laughing. "Ah! what a rage he would be in, if he could hear such an epithet applied to him!"
"A young, well-looking, man-friend!" says Algy, slowly recapitulating all my admissions as he lies gently puffing on the rug beside me. "Well?"
"Well!" echo I, rather snappishly. "Nothing! only that I wanted to show you that it was not quite such aduetas you imagined! Of course—Dresden is not a big place—of course we met very often, and went here and there together."
"And where was Sir Roger meanwhile?"
"Sir Roger was there, too, of course," reply I, still a little crossly, "except once or twice—certainly not more than twice—he said he did not feel inclined to come, and so we went without him."
"You left him at home, in fact!" says Algy, with a rather malicious smile, "out of harm's way, while you and the young friend marauded about the town together; it must have been very lively for him, poor man! Oh, fie! Nancy, fie!"
"We did not do any thing of the kind," cry I, now thoroughly vexed and uncomfortable. "I wish you would not misunderstand things on purpose! there is not any fun in it!Bothtimes Iwantedhim to come! Iaskedhim particularly!"
"And, if I may make so bold as to inquire," asks Bobby, striking in, "how did the young friend call himself? What was his name?"
"Musgrave," reply I, shortly. "Frank Musgrave!" for the stream of my conversation seems dried.
"Was henice? Shouldwelike him?" ask Tou Tou, who has recovered her equanimity, dried her tears, and forgotten the bishop.
"He was niceto look at!" reply I cautiously.
"That is a very different thing!" says Barbara, laughing. "But was he nice in himself?"
I reflect.
"No," say I, "I do not think he was: at least, he wanted a great deal of alteration."
"As I have no doubt that you told him," says Algy, with a smile.
"I dare say I did," reply I, distantly, for I am not pleased with Algy.
A little pause.
"I think hewasnice, too,in a way," say I, rather compunctiously. "I used to tell him about all of you, and—I dare say it was pretense—but heseemedto like to hear about you! When I came away, he sent his love to Barbara; he would not send any messages to you boys—he said he hated boys!"
"Humph!"
Another short silence. The elders have gone in to tea. Through the windows, I see the lamplight shining on the tea-cups.
"Algy!" say I, in a rather low voice, edging a little nearer to where he lies gracefully outspread, "you did not mean it,really? You do not think I—I—I—neglectedthe general, do you?—you do not think I—I—likedto be away from him?"
"My lady!" replies he, teasingly, "Ithinknothing! I only know what your ladyship was good enough to tell me!"
Then we all get up, shoulder our rugs, and walk in.
Well, no one will deny that Sunday comes after Saturday; and it was Saturday evening, when the heavens painted themselves with fire, and the sun lit up all the house-windows to welcome us home. Sunday is not usually one of our blandest days, but we must hope for the best.
"General," say I, standing before him, dressed for morning church, after having previously turned slowly round on the point of my toes, to favor him with the back view of as delightful a bonnet, and as airily fresh and fine a muslin gown, as ever young woman said her prayers in—"by-the-by, do you like my calling you general?"
"At least I understand who you mean by it," he says, a little evasively; "which, after all, is the great thing, is not it?"
"It is my own invention," say I, rather proudly; "nobody put it into my head, and nobody else calls you by it, do they?"
"Not now."
"Not now?" cry I, surprised; "but did they ever?"
"Yes," he says, "for about a year, most people did; I was general a year before my brother died."
"Your brother died?" cry I, again repeating his words, and arching my eyebrows, which have not naturally the slightest tendency toward describing a semicircle. "What!youhad a brother, too, had you? I never knew that before."
"Did you thinkyouhad a monopoly of them?" laughing a little.
"So you were not 'Sir' always?"
"No more thanyouare," he answers, smiling. "No, I was not born in the purple; for thirty-seven years of my life I earned my own bread—and rather dry bread too."
"You do not say so!" cry I, in some astonishment.
"If I had come here seven years ago," he says, taking both my pale yellow hands in his light gray ones, and looking at me with eyes which seem darker and deeper than usual under the shade of the brim of his tall hat—"by-the-by, you would have been a little girl then—as little as Tou Tou—"
"Yes," interrupt I, breaking in hastily; "but, indeed, I never was a bit like her, never. Ineverhad such legs—ask the boys if I had!"
"I did not suppose that you had," he answers, bursting into a hearty and most unfeigned laugh! "but" (growing grave again), "Nancy, suppose that I had come here then! I should have had no shooting to offer the boys—no horses to mount Algy—no house worth asking Barbara to—"
"No more you would!" say I, too much impressed with surprise at this new light on Sir Roger's past life to notice the sort of wistfulness and inquiry that lurks in his last words; then, after a second, perceiving it: "And you think," say I, loosing my hands from his, and growing as pink as the delicate China rose-bud that is peeping round the corner of the trellis in at the window, "that there would not have been as much inducementthenfor me to propose to you, as there was in the present state of things!"
I am laughing awkwardly as I speak; then, eagerly changing the conversation, and rushing into another subject: "By-the-by, I had something to say to you—something quite important—before we digressed."
"Yes?"
"O general!" taking hold of the lapel of his coat, and looking up at him with appealing earnestness, "do you know that I have made up my mind to givehimthebagto-day! it is no use putting off the evil day—itmustcome, after supper—they all sayafter supper!"
"Yes?"
"Well, I want you to talk to himall day, and get him into a good-humor by then, if you can, that is all!"
"That is all!" repeats my husband, with the slightest possible ironical accent. Then we go to church. It is too near to drive, so we all walk. The church-yard elms are out in fullest leaf above our heads. There are so many leaves, and they are so close together, that they hide the great brown rooks' nests. They do not hide the rooks themselves. It would take a good deal to do that. Dear pleasant-spoken rooks, talking so loudly and irreverently about their own secular themes—out-cawing the church-bells, as we pace by, devout and smart, to our prayers. Last time I walked up this path, it was hidden with red cloth, and flowers were tumbling under my feet. Ah! red cloth comes but once in a lifetime. It is only the queen who lives in an atmosphere of red cloth and cut flowers.
We are in church now. The service is in progress. Can it be onlyfiveSundays ago that I was standing here as I am now, watching all the little well-known incidents? Father standing up in frock-coat and spectacles, keeping a sharp lookout over the top of his prayer-book, to seehowlate the servants are. The ill-behaved charity-boys emulously trying who shall make the hind-legs of his chair squeak the loudest on the stone floor. Toothless Jack leering distantly at Barbara from the side aisle. Something apparently is amusing him. He is smiling a little. I see his teeth. They, at least, are new.Theywere not here five weeks ago. The little starved curate—the one who tore his gloves into strips—loses his place in the second lesson, and madly plunges at three different wrong verses in succession, before he regains the thread of his narrative.
We have come to the sermon. The text is, "I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come." No sooner is it given out than Algy, Bobby, and Tou Tou, all look at me and grin; but father, who has a wily way of establishing himself in the corner of the pew, so as to have a bird's-eye view of all our demeanors, speedily frowns them down into a preternatural gravity. Ah, whyto-day, of all days, did they laugh? and whyto-day, of all days, did the servants file noisily in, numerous and out of breath, in the middle of the psalms? I tremble when I think of the bag.
Well, who will may laugh again now: we are out in the sunshine, with the church-yard grass bowing and swaying in the wind, and the little cloud-shadows flying across the half-effaced names of the forgotten dead, who lie under their lichen-grown tombs.
"Did you see histeeth?" asks Tou Tou, joining me with a leap, almost before I am outside the church-porch.
"They are not comfortable yet," remarks Bobby, gravely, as he walks beside me carrying my prayer-book. "I could see that: he was taking them out, and putting them in again, with his tongue all through the Litany."
"When once he has secured Barbara, I expect that they will go back with the box for good and all—eh, Barbara?" say I, laughing, as I speak; but Barbara is out of ear-shot. She is lingering behind to shake hands with the curate, and ask all the poor old people after their diseases.Inever can recollect clearlywhohaswhat. I always apportion the rheumatism wrongly, butshenever does. There she stands just by the church-gate, with the little sunny lights running up and down upon her snow-white gown, shaking each grimy old hand with a kind and friendly equality.
The day rolls by; afternoon service; walk round the grounds; early dinner (we always embitter our lives on Sundays by dining atsix, which does the servants no good, and sours the tempers of the whole family); then prayers. Prayers are always immediately followed by that light refection which we call supper.
As the time approaches, my heart sinks imperceptibly lower in my system than the place where it usually resides.
"Be ready, Sister Nancy,For the time is drawing nigh,"
"Be ready, Sister Nancy,For the time is drawing nigh,"
says Algy, solemnly, putting his arm round my shoulders, as, the prayer-bell having rung, we set off for the wonted justicing-room.
"Have a pull at my flask," suggests Bobby, seriously; "there is some cognac left in it since the day we fished the pool. It would do you all the good in the world, and, if you tookenough, you would feel able to give himtenbags, or, indeed, throw them at his head at a pinch."
"Have you got it?" say I, faintly, to the general, who at this moment joins us.
"Yes, here it is."
"But what will you do with itmeanwhile?" cry I, anxiously; "he must not see itfirst."
"Sit upon it," suggests Algy, flippantly.
"Hang it round his neck while he is at prayers," bursts out Bobby, with the air of a person who has had an illumination; "you know he always pretends to have his eyes shut."
"And at 'Amen,' he would awake to find himself famous," says Algy, pseudo-pompously.
But this suggestion, although I cannot help looking upon it as ingenious, I do not adopt.
Prayers on Sunday are a muchfinerand larger ceremonial than they are on week-days. In the first place, instead of a few of the church prayers quickly pattered, which are ended in five minutes, we have a whole long sermon, which lasts twenty. In the second place, the congregation is so much greater. On week-days it is only the in-door servants; on Sundays it is the whole staff—coachman, grooms, stablemen. I think myself that it is more in the nature of aparade, to insure that none of the establishment are outsweethearting, than of a religious exercise. Usually I am delighted when the sermon is ended. Even Barrow or Jeremy Taylor would sound dull and stale if fired off in a flat, fierce monotone, without emphasis or modulation. To-night, at every page that turns, my heart declines lower and lower down. It is ended now; so is the short prayer that follows it. We all rise, and father stands with his hawk-eyes fixed on the servants, as they march out,countingthem. The upper servants are all right; so are the housemaids, cookmaids, and lesser scullions. Alas! alas! there is a helper wanting.
Having listened to anddisbelieved the explanation of his absence, father leads the way into supper, but the little incident has taken the bloom off his suavity.
Sir Roger has deposited the bag—still wrapped in its paper coverings—on a chair, in a modest and unobtrusive corner of the dining-room, ready for presentation. He did this just before prayers. As we enter the room, father's eyes fall on it.
"What isthat?" he cries, pointing with his forefinger, and turning severely to the boys. "How many times have I told you that I will not have parcels left about, littering the whole place? Off with it!"
"If you please, father," say I, in a very small and starved voice, "it is not the boys', it ismine."
"Yours, is it?" with a sudden change of tone, and return to amenity. "Oh, all right!" (Then, with a little accent of sudden jocosity)—"One of your foreign purchases, eh?"
We sit round the snowy table, in the pleasant light of the shaded lamps, eating chicken-salad, and abasing and rifling the great red pyramids of strawberries and raspberries, but talking not much. We young ones nevercantalk out loud before father. He has never heard our voices raised much above a whisper. I do not think he has an idea what fine, loud, Billingsgate voices his childrenreallyhave. He has said grace—we always have a longer,gratefullergrace than usual on Sundays—and has risen to go.
"Now for it!" cries Bobby, wildly excited, and giving me an awful dig in the ribs with his elbow.
"Shall I get it?" asks the general, in an encouraging whisper. "Cheer up, Nancy! do not look sowhite! it is all right."
He rises and fetches it, slips it quickly out of its coverings, and puts it into my hand. Father has reached the door, I run after him.
"Father!" cry I, in a choked and trembling voice. "Stop!"
He turns with the handle in his grasp, and looks at me in some surprise.
"Father!" cry I, beginning again, and holding my gift out nervously toward him, "here's—here's—here's abag!"
This is my address of presentation. I hear the boys tittering at the table behind me—a sound which, telling me how ill I am speeding, makes my confusion tenfold worse. I murmur, helplessly and indistinctly, something about his never traveling, and my knowing that fact—and having been always sure that he would hate it—and then I glance helplessly round with a wild idea of flight. But at the same moment an arm of friendly strength comes round my shoulders—a friendly voice sounds in my buzzing ears.
"James," it says, simply and directly, "she has brought you a present, and she is afraid that you will not care about it."
"Apresent!" echoes my father, the meaning of the inexplicable object which has suddenly been thrust into his grasp beginning to dawn upon him. "Oh, I see! I am sure, my dear Nancy"—with a sort of embarrassed stiffness that yet means to be gracious—"that I am extremely obliged to you, extremely; and though I regret that you should have wasted your money on me—yet—yet—I assure you, I shall always prize it very highly."
Then he goes out rather hastily. I return to the supper-table.
"Shake hands!" cries Algy, pouring me out a glass of claret. "Now, perhaps, you have some faint idea of whatIfelt when I had to return thanks for the bridesmaids."
"Nancy!" cries Bobby, holding out the fruit to which he alludes, and speaking in a wobbly, quivering voice, with a painfullyliteralimitation of my late address, "here's—here's—here's apeach!"
But I am burying my face in Sir Roger's shoulder, like a shy child.
"Ilikeyou!" I say, creeping up quite close to him. "You were the only one that came to help me. If it had not been foryou, I should be there still!"
The bag-affair is quite an old one now—a fortnight old. The bag itself has, I believe, retired into the decent privacy of a cupboard, nor is it much more likely to reissue thence than was one of the frail nuns built into the wall in the old times likely to come stepping out again. Bobby has at length ceased to offer me every object which it devolves upon him to hand me, with a quavering voice and a prolonged stammer, since, though I was at first excellently vulnerable by this weapon of offense, I am now becominghornilyhard and indifferent to it. We have stepped over the boundaries of June into July.
Yes, June has gone to look for all its dead brothers, wherever—since they say nothing is ever really lost—they lie with their stored sweets. To me, this has been as merry and good a June as any one of my nineteen.
Sir Roger is beginning to talk of going home—hishome, that is—but rather diffidently and tentatively, as if not quite sure whether the proposal will meet with favor in my eyes. He need not be nervous on this point. I, too, am rather anxious and eager to see my house—myhouse, if you please!—I, who have never hitherto possessed any larger residence than a doll's house, whose whole front wall opened at once, giving one an improbably simultaneous view of kitchen-range, best four-poster, and drawing-room chairs. I have, it is true, seen photographs of my new house, photographs of its east front, of its west front—photographs, in its park, of the great old cedar; in its gardens, of its woody pool—but, to tell you the truth, I want to seeit. I have already planned a house-warming, and invited them all to it, a house-warming in which—oh, absurd!—Ishall sit at the head of the table, and father and mother only at the sides—Ishall tell the people who they are to take in to dinner, and nod my head from the top when dessert is ended.
To-day I am going to write and secure the Brat's company—that is, later in the day—but now it is quite,quiteearly, even the letters have not come in. We have all—viz., the boys, the girls, and I—risen (in pursuance of a plan made overnight) preternaturally early, almost as early as I did on my wedding-morning, and are going out to gather mushrooms in the meadow, by the river. Indignation against the inhabitants of the neighboring town is what has torn us from our morning dreams, the greedy townsfolk, by whom, on every previous occasion, we have found our meadow rifled before we could reach it. To-day we shall, at least, meet them on equal terms. We are all rather gapy at first, more especially Algy, who has deferred the making of the greater part of his toilet till his return, looks disheveled, and sounds grumbling. But before long both gapes and grumbles depart.
Who would see the day when he is old, and stale, and shabby, when, like us, they could come out to meet him as he walks across the meadow with a mantle of dew wrapped round him, and a garland of paling rose-clouds, that an hour ago were crimson, about his head?
The place toward which we tend is at some little distance, and our road thither leads through all manner of comely rustic places, flowered fields, where the buttercups crowd their little varnished cups, and the vigilant ox-eyes are already wakefully staring up from among the grass-spears; a little wood; a deep and ruddy-colored lane, along whose unpruned hedges straggle the riches of the wild-rose, most delicately flushed, as if God in passing had called her very good, and she had reddened at his praise; where the honey-suckle, too, is holding stilly aloft the open cream-colored trumpets and closed red trumpet-buds of her heaven-sweet crown.
In an instant Tou Tou is scrawling and scrambling like a great spider up the steep bank: in an instant more she is tugging, tearing, devastating; while the faint petals that no mightiest king can restore, but that any infant with a touch can destroy, are showering in scented ruin around her. It gives me a pain to see it, as if I saw some sentient thing in agony. I think I feel, with Walter Savage Landor—
"I never pluck the rose; the violet's headHath shaken with my breath upon its bankAnd not reproached me: the ever-sacred cupOf the pure lily hath between my handsFelt safe, unsoiled, nor lost one grain of gold."
"I never pluck the rose; the violet's headHath shaken with my breath upon its bankAnd not reproached me: the ever-sacred cupOf the pure lily hath between my handsFelt safe, unsoiled, nor lost one grain of gold."
"You will have your basket filled before we get there," I say, remonstrating, but she does not heed me.
Hot and scratched—at least I am glad that in their death-pain they were able to scratch her—she still tugs and mauls. I walk on. We reach the meadow. Well, at leastto-daywe are in time. It has the silence and solitude of the dawn of Creation's first still day, broken only by the sheep that are cropping
"The slant grass, and daisies pale."
"The slant grass, and daisies pale."
The slow, smooth river washes by, sucking in among the rushes. Our footsteps show plainly shaped as we step along through the hoary dew. We separate—going one this way, one that—and, in silence and gravity, pace with bent heads and down-turned eyes through the fine, short grass. Excitement and emulation keep us dumb, for let who will—blaséand used up—deny it, but there is an excitement, wholesome and hearty, inseeking, and a joy pure and unadulterated in finding, mushrooms in a probable field in the hopeful morning; whether the mushroom be a patriarch whose gills are browned with age, and who is big enough to be an umbrella for the fairy people, or a little milk-white button, half hidden in daisies and trefoil. Sometimes a cry of rage and anguish bursts from one or other of us who has been the dupe of a puff-ball family, and who is satiating his or her revenge by stamping on the deceiver's head, and reducing its fair, round proportions to a flat and fleshy pulp. We search long and diligently, and our efforts are blessed with an unwonted success. By the time that the sun has attained height enough in the heavens to make his power tyrannically felt, our baskets are filled. Tou Tou has to throw away her wild-roses, limp and flaccid, into the dust of the lane. We walk home, singing, and making poor jokes, as is our wont. As we draw near the house with joyful foretastes of breakfast in our minds, with redly-flushed cheeks and merry eyes, I see Sir Roger leaning on the stone balustrade of the terrace, looking as if he were watching for us, and, indeed, no sooner does he catch sight of us, than he comes toward us.
"Do you like mushrooms?" cry I, at the top of my voice, long before I have reached him, holding up my basket triumphantly. "See, I have got the most of anybody, except Tou Tou!"
I have met him by the end of this sentence.
"Do you like mushrooms?" I repeat, lifting the lid, and giving him a peep into the creamy and pink-colored treasures inside, "oh, youmust! if you do not, I shall have adivorce! I could not bear a difference of opinion upon such a subject."
I have never given him time to speak, and now I look with appealing laughter into his silent face.
"Why, what is the matter?" I cry, with an abrupt change of tone. "What has happened? How odd you look!"
"Nothing has happened," he answers, trying to smile, but I see that it is quite against the grain, "only that I have had some not very pleasant news."
"It is not any thing about—about theBrat!" cry I, stopping suddenly, seizing his arm with both hands, and turning, as I feel, extremely pale, while my thoughts fly to the only one of my beloveds that is out of my sight.
"About theBrat!" he echoes in surprise, "oh, dear no! nothing!"
"Then I do not much carewhois dead?" I answer, unfeelingly, drawing a long breath; "he is the only personoutof this house whose death would afflict me much, and I do not think that there is any one besidesusthatyouare very devoted to, is there?"
"Why are you so determined that some one isdead?" he asks, smiling again, but this time a little more naturally; "is there nothing vexatious in the world butdeath?"
"Yes," say I, laughing, despite myself, as my thoughts revert to my late employment, "there arepuff-balls!"—then, ashamed of having been flippant, and afraid of having been unsympathetic, I add hastily: "I wish you would tell me what it is! I am sure,when I hear, I shall be vexed too; but you see as long as I do not know what it is, I cannot, can I?"
"There is no time now," he says, glancing toward father, whose head appears through the dining-room windows. "See! they are going to breakfast!—afterward I will tell you—afterward—and child—" (putting his hands on my shoulders, and essaying to look at me with an altogether cheered and careless face,) "do not you worry your head about it!—eat your breakfast with an easy mind; after all, it is nothing very bad!—it could not be any thingverybad, as long as—." He stops abruptly, and adds hastily, "let us have a look at your mushrooms! well, youhavea quantity!"
"Yes, have not I?" say I, triumphantly, "more than any of them, except Tou Tou—." Then, not quite satisfied with the impression our late talk has left upon me: "General!" say I, lowering my face and reddening, "I hope you do not think that I amquitea baby because I like childish things—gathering mushrooms—running about with the boys—talking to Jacky. I can understand serious thingstoo, I assure you. I think I could enter into your trouble—I think, if you gave me the chance, that you would find that I could!"
Then a sort of idiotic false shame overtakes me, and without waiting for his answer I disappear.
I meet Bobby retiring to the kitchen to cook his mushrooms himself. He invites me to join him, but I refuse. It is the first time in the annals of history that I was ever known to say no to such an offer. Bobby regards me with reproachful anger, and makes a muffled remark, the drift of which I understand to be that, though I maypretendnot to be, Iamgrown fine, as he always said I should. To-day it seems to me as if breakfast wouldneverend. It is one of our fixed laws that no one shall leave the table until father gives the signal by saying grace. Sometimes, when he is in one of his unfortunate moods, he keeps us all staring at our empty cups and platters for half an hour. To-day I watch with warm anxiety the progress downward of the tea in his cup. At last he has come to the grounds. He lays down theTimes. We all joyfully half bow our heads, in expectation of the wonted "For what we have received," etc., but speedily and disappointedly raise them again.
"Jane, can you spare me another cup?" and reburies himself in a long leader. Behind the shelter of the great sheet, I make a hideous contortion across the table at Sir Roger, who has fallen with great docility into our ways, and is looking back at me now with that gentle, steadfast serenity which is the leading characteristic of his face, but which this morning is, I cannot help thinking, a good deal disturbed, hard as he is trying to hide it. There are, thank Heaven, no more false starts. Next time that he lays down the paper, we are all afraid to bend our heads, for fear that the movement shall break the charm, and induce him to send for a fourth cup—he has already hadthree—but no! release has come at last.
"For what we have received the Lord make us truly thankful!"
Almost before we have reached "thankful," there is a noise of several chairs pushed back. Before you could say "knife!" we are all out of the room. All but Sir Roger! In deference, I suppose, to the feelings of the friend of his infancy, and not to appeartooanxious to leave him—Sir Roger ought to have married Barbara, they two are always thinking of other people's feelings—he delays a little, and indeed they emerge together and find me sitting on one of the uncomfortable, stiff hall-chairs, on which nobody ever sits. To my dismay, I hear father say something about the chestnut colt's legs, and I know that another delay is in store for me. Sir Roger comes over to me, and takes his wide-awake from the stand beside me.
"We are going to the stables," he says, patting my shoulder.
I make a second hideous face. Often have I been complimented by the boys, on the flexibility of my features.
"I shall be back in ten minutes," he says, in a low voice; "will you wait for me in the morning-room?"
"I suppose I must," say I, reluctantly, with a disgusted and disappointed drawing down of the corners of my mouth.
Ten minutes pass; twenty, five-and-twenty! Still he has not come back. I walk up and down the room; I look out the window at the gardeners rolling the grass; I rend a large and comely rose into tatters, while all manner of unpleasant possibilities stalk along in order before my mind's eye. Perhaps Tempest is burnt down. Perhaps some bank, in which he has put all his money, has broken. Perhaps he has found out that his brother is notreallydead after all! I dismiss this lastworstsuggestion as improbable. The door opens, and he enters.
"Here you are!" I cry, making a joyous rush at him. "I thought you were never coming! Please, isthatyour idea of ten minutes?"
"I could not help it," he answers; "he kept me talking; I could not get away any sooner."
"Why did you go?" say I, dutifully. "Why did not you say, when he asked you, 'No, I will not?' He would have done it to you as soon as look at you."
"That would have been so polite to one's host and father-in-law, would not it?" he answers, a little ironically. "After all, Nancy, where is the use of vexing people for nothing?"
"Notpeoplegenerally," reply I, still chafed; "but Ishouldlike some one who was not his child, and in whom it would not be disrespectful, to pay him out for keeping us all as he did this morning; he knew as well as possible that we were dying to be off;thatwas why he had that last cup: he did notwantit any more than I did. He did not drink it; did not you see? he left three-quarters of it."
Sir Roger does not answer, unless a slight shrug and a passing his hand across his face with a rather dispirited gesture be an answer. I feel ashamed of my petulance.
"Do you feel inclined to tell me about your ill news?" I say, gently, going over to him, and putting my hand on his shoulder. "I have been making so many guesses as to what it can be?"
"Have you?" he says, looking up. "I dare say. Well, I will tell you. Do you remember—I dare say you do not—my once mentioning to you that I had some property in the West Indies—in Antigua?"
I nod.
"To be sure I do; I recollect I had not an idea where Antigua was, and I looked out for it at once in Tou Tou's atlas."
"Well, a fortnight—three weeks ago—it was when we were in Dresden, I had a letter telling me of the death of my agent out there. I knew nothing about him personally—had never seen him—but he had long been in my poor brother's employment, and was very highly thought of by him."
"Poorbrother!" think I; "well, thank Heaven! at leasthehas not revived; he would not be 'poor' if he had," but I say only, "Yes?" with a delicately interrogative accent.
"And to-day comes this letter"—(pulling one out of his pocket)—"telling me that now that his affairs have been looked into, they are found to be in the greatest confusion—that he has died bankrupt, in fact; and not onlythat, but that he has been cheating me right and left for years and years, appropriating the money which ought to have been spent on the estate to his own uses; and, as misfortunes never come single, I also hear"—(unfolding the sheet, and glancing rather disconsolately over it)—"that there has been a hurricane, which has destroyed nearly all the sugar-canes."
The thought ofJoband his successive misfortunes instantly occurs to me—the Sabeans, the Chaldeans, the great wind from the wilderness—but being a little doubtful as to his example having a very consoling effect, with some difficulty, and at the cost of a great pressure exercised on myself, I abstain from mentioning him.
"To make a long story short," continues Sir Roger, "and not to bother you with unnecessary details—"
"But indeed they would not bother me," interrupt I, eagerly, putting my hand through his arm, and turning my face anxiously up to him; "I shouldenjoyhearing them. I wish you would not think that all sensible, sober thingsbotherme."
"My dear," he says, gently pinching my cheek, "I think nothing of the kind, but I know that not all the explanations in the world will alter the result, which is, that I shall not get a farthing from the propertythisyear, and very likely notnexteither."
"You do not say so!" cry I, trying to impart a tragic tone to my voice, and only hoping that my facelooksmore distressed and aghast than it feels.
To tell you the truth, I am mightily relieved. At this period of my history, money troubles seem to me the lightest and airiest of all afflictions. I have sat down, and Sir Roger is walking up and down, with a restlessness unlike his usual repose; on his face there is a vexed and thwarted look, that is unfamiliar to me. The old parrot sits in the sun, outside his cage, scratching his head, and chuckling to himself. Tou Tou's voice comes ringing from the garden. It has a tone of mingled laughter and pain, which tells me that she is undergoing severe and searching discipline at the hands of Bobby.
"I suppose," say I, presently, speaking with some diffidence, "thatthatisall. Of course I do not mean to say that it is not very bad, but is there nothingworse?"
"Is not itbad enough?" he asks, half laughing. "What did you expect?"
"You know," say I, still hesitatingly, "I have not an ideahowwell off you are; I mean, how much a year you have. Mercenary as I am"—(laughing nervously)—"I never thought of asking you; but I suppose, even if the earth were to open and swallow Antigua—even if there were no such things as West Indies—we should still have money enough to buy us bread and cheese, should not we?"
"Well, it is to be hoped so," he answers, a gleam of amusement flashing like a little sunshiny arrow across his vexation; "it would be a bad lookout for you and me, would not it, considering the size of our appetites, if we should not?"
A little pause. Tou Tou's voice again. The anguish has conquered the laughter, and is now mixed with a shrill treble wrath. Polly is alternately barking like Vick, and laughing with a quiet amusement at his own performance.
"Do you think," say I, still airing my opinion with timidity, as one that has no great opinion of their worth, "that it does one much good to be rich beyond a certain point?—that a large establishment, for instance, gives one much pleasure? I am sure it does not inourcase; if you were to know the number of nails that the servants and their iniquities have knocked into mother's coffin—yes, and father's, too."
"Have they?" (a little absently). He is still pacing up and down restlessly—to and fro—along and across—he that is usually so innocent of fidget or fuss. "Nancy," he says, half seriously, half in rueful jest, "if you want a thing done, do it yourself: mind that, all your life. I am a standing instance of the disadvantage of having let other people do it for me. The fact is, I ought to have gone out there long ago, to look after things myself."
"If youhadbeen there, you could not have stopped the hurricane coming, any more than Canute could stop the waves," say I, filching a piece of history from "Little Arthur," and pushing it to the front.
He smiles.
"Not the hurricane—no; but the hurricane was the lesser evil. I might have done something to avert, or, at least, lessen the greater one. To tell the truth, I meant to have gone out there this spring—had, indeed, almost fixed upon a day for starting, when—youstopped me."
"I!"
"Yes," he says, pausing in his walk in front of me, and looking at me with a face full of sunshine, content, and laughter; a face whence hurricanes, West Indies, and agents have altogether fled; "you called me a 'beast', and the expression startled me so much—I suppose from not being used to it—that it sent the West Indies, yes, and the East ones too, clean out of my head."
"I hope," say I, anxiously, "that you will never tell any one that I saidthat. They would think that I was in the habit of calling people 'beasts', and indeed—indeed, I very seldom use so strong a word,evento Bobby."
"Well," he says, not heeding my request, not, I am sure, hearing it, and resuming his walk, "what is done cannot be undone, so there is no use whining about it, Nancy" (again stopping before me, and this time taking my face in his two hands). "Will you mind much, or will you not?—do you ever mindany thing much, I wonder?" (eagerly and wistfully scanning my face, as if trying to read my character through the mask of my pale skin, and small and unremarkable features). "Well, there is no help for it—as I did not go then, I must go now."
"Go!" repeat I, panting in horrid surprise, "go where?—to Antigua?"
"Yes, to Antigua."
No need now to dress my voice in the tones of factitious tragedy—no need to lengthen my face artificially. It feels all of a sudden quite a yard and a half long. Polly has stopped barking: he is now calling, "Barb'ra! Barb'ra!" in father's voice, and he hits off the pompous severity of his tone with such awful accuracy, that did not my eyes assure me to the contrary, I could swear that my parent was in the room.
After a moment I rise, throw my arms round Sir Roger, and lay my head on his breast—a most unwonted caress on my part, for we are not a couple by any means given to endearments.
"Do not go!" I say in a coaxing whisper, "do nothing of the kind!—stay at home!"
"And willyougo instead of me?" he asks with a gentle irony, stroking, the while, my plaits as delicately as if he were afraid that they wouldcome off, which indeed,indeed, they would not.
"By myself," say I, laughing, but not raising my head. "Oh! of course; nothing I should like better, and I should be so invaluable in mending the sugar-canes, and keeping the new agent on his P's and Q's, should not I?"
He laughs.
"Stay!" say I, again whispering, as being more persuasive; "where would be the use of goingnow? It would be shutting the stable-door after the steed was stolen, and—" (this in a still lower voice)—"we are beginning to get on so nicely, too."
"Beginning!" he echoes, with a half-melancholy smile, "onlybeginning? have not we always got on nicely?"
"And if we are poorer," continue I, insinuatingly, "I believe we shall get on better still. I am sure that poor people are fonder of one another than rich ones—they have less to distract them from each other."
I have now raised my head, and perceive that Sir Roger does not look very much convinced.
"But granting that povertyisbetter than riches, do you believe that itis, Nancy?—for my part I doubt it—for myself I will own to you that I have found it pleasant not to be obliged to look at sixpence upon both sides; butthat," he says with straightforward simplicity, "is perhaps because I have not long been used to it—because once, long ago, I wanted money badly—I would have given my right hand for it, and could not get it!"
"What did you want it for?" cry I, curiously, pricking my ears, and for a moment forgetting my private troubles in the hope of a forthcoming anecdote.
"Ah! would not you like to know?" he says, playfully, but he does not explain: instead, he goes on: "Even granting that it is so, do you think it would be very manly to let a fine estate run to ruin, because one was too lazy to look after it? Do you think it would be quitehonest—quite fair to those that will come after us?"
"Those that will come after us!" cry I, scornfully, making a face for the third and last time this morning. "And who are they, pray? Some sixteenth cousin of yours, I suppose?"
"Nancy," he says, gravely, but in a tone whose gentleness takes all harshness from the words, "you are talking nonsense, and you know as well as I do that you are!"
Then I know that I may as well be silent. After a pause:
"And when," say I, in as lamentable a voice as King Darius sent down among the lions in search of Daniel—"how soon, I mean, are we to set off?"
"We!" he cries, a sudden light springing into his eyes, and an accent of keen pleasure into his voice. "Do you mean to say thatyouthought of coming too?"
I look up in surprise.
"Do not wives generally go with their husbands?"
"But would youliketo come?" he asks, seizing my hands, and pressing them with such unconscious eagerness, that my wedding-ring makes a red print in its neighbor-finger.
O friends, I wish to Heaven that I had told a lie! It would have been, I am sure, one of the cases in which a lie would have been justifiable—nay, praiseworthy, too. But, standing there, under the truth of his eyes, I have to be true, too.
"Like!" say I, evasively, casting down my eyes, and fiddling uneasily with one of the buttons of his coat, "it is hardly a question of 'like,' is it? I do not imagine that youlikeit much yourself?—one cannot always be thinking of what one likes."
The pressure of his fingers on mine slackens; and, though, thanks to my wedding-ring, it was painful, I am sorry. After a minute:
"But you have not," say I, trying to speak in a tone of light and airy cheerfulness, "answered my question yet—how soon we must set off? You know what a woman always thinks of first—herclothes, and I must be seeing to my packing."
"The sooner the better," he answers, with a preoccupied look. "Not later than ten days hence!"
"Ten days!"
Again my jaw falls. He has altogether loosed my hands now, and resumed his walk. I sit down by the table, lean my elbows on it, and push my fingers through my hair in most dejected musing. Polly has been dressing himself; turning his head over his shoulder, and arranging his feathers with his aquiline nose. He has finished now, and has just given vent, in a matter-of-fact, unemotional voice, to an awful oath! There is the sound of brisk feet on the sunny gravel outside. Bobby's face looks in at the window—broad, sunburnt, and laughing.
"Well! what is up now?" cries he, catching a glimpse of my disconsolate attitude. "You look as if the fungi had disagreed with you!"
"Then appearances are deceitful," reply I, trying to be merry, "for they have not."
He has only glanced in upon us in passing: he is gone again now. I rebury my hands in my locks, which, instead of a highly-cultivated garden, I am rapidly making into a wilderness.
"I suppose," say I, in a tone which fitly matches the length of my face, "that Bobby will have got a ship before I come back; I hope they will not send him to any very unhealthy station—Hong-Kong, or the Gold Coast."
"I hope not."
"What port shall we sail from?"
"Southampton."
"And how long—about how long will the voyage be?"
"About seventeen days to Antigua."
"And how long"—(still in the same wretched and resignedly melancholy voice)—"shall we have to stay there?"
"It depends upon the state in which I find things?"
A good long pause. My elbows are growing quite painful, from the length of time during which they have been digging into the hardmarqueterietable, and my hair is as wild as a red Indian's.Tendays! ten little galloping days, and thenseventeenlong, slow, monstrous ones!Seventeendays at sea! seventeen days and seventeen nights, too—do not let us forget that—of that deadly nausea, of that unspeakable sinking of all one's inside to the very depths of creation—of the smell of boiling oil, and the hot, sick, throbbing of engines!
"I hope," say I, in a voice so small that I hardly recognize it for my own, "that I shall not bequiteas ill all the way as I was crossing from Calais to Dover; and the steward," continue I, in miserable meditation, "kept telling me all the while what a fine passage we were having, too!"
"So we were!"
Another pause. I am still thinking of the horrid theme; living over again my nearly-forgotten agonies.
"Do you remember," say I, presently, "hearing about that Lady Somebody—I forget her name—but she was the wife of one Governor-General of India, and she always suffered so much from sea-sickness that she thought she should suffer less in a sailing-vessel, and so returned from India in one, and just as she came in sight of the shores of Englandshe died!"
As I reach this awful climax, I open my eyes very wide, and sink my voice to a tragic depth.
"The moral is—" says Sir Roger, stopping beside me, laying his hand on my chair back, and regarding me with a mixture of pain and diversion in his eyes, "stick to steam!"
A heavy foot along the passage, a hand upon the door, a hatted head looking in.
"Roger," says father, in that laboriously amiable voice in which he always addresses his son-in-law, "sorry to interrupt you, but could you come here for a minute—will not keep you long."
"All right!" cries Sir Roger, promptly.
(Howcanhe speak in that flippantly cheerful voice, with the prospect of seventeen days' sea before him?)
"Now, where did I put my hat, Nancy? did you happen to notice?"
"It is here," say I, picking it up from the window-seat, and handing it to him with lugubrious solemnity.
As he reaches the door, following father, he turns and nods to me with a half-humorous smile.
"Cheer up," he says, "it shall not be a sailing-vessel."
He is gone, and I return to my former position, and my former occupation, only that now—the check of Sir Roger's presence being removed—I indulge in two or three good hearty groans. To think how the look of all things is changed since this morning!
As we came home through the fields singing, if any one had given me three wishes, I should have been puzzled what to ask—andnow! All the good things I am going to lose march in gloomy procession before my mind.No house-warming!It will have to be put off till we come back, and, by the time that we come back, Bobby will almost certainly have been sent to some foreign station for three or four years. And who knows what may happen before he returns? Perhaps—for I am in the mood when all adversities seem antecedently probable—he willnevercome back. Perhaps never again shall I be the willing victim of his buffets, never again shall I buffet him in return.
And thesea! It is all very fine for Sir Roger to take it so easily, to laugh and make unfeeling jokes at my expense!Hedoes not lie on the flat of his back, surrounded by the horrid paraphernalia of sea-sickness.Hewalks up and down, with his hands in his pockets, smoking a cigar, and talking to the captain.Hecares nothing for the heaving planks. The taste of the salt air giveshiman appetite. Anappetite! Oh, prodigious! I must say I think he might have been alittlemore feeling, might have expressed himself alittlemore sympathetically.
By dint of thinking over Sir Roger's iniquities on this head, I gradually work myself up into such a state of righteous indignation and injury against him, that when, after a longish interval, the door again opens to readmit him, I affect neither to see nor hear him, nor be in any way conscious of his presence. Through the chinks of my fingers, dolorously spread over my face, I see that he has sat down on the other side of the table, just opposite me, and that he is smiling in the same unmirthful, gently sarcastic way, as he was when he left me.
"Nancy," he says, "I have been thinking what a pity it is that I have not ayacht! We might have taken our own time then, and done it enjoyably—made quite a pleasure-trip of it."
I drop my hands into my lap.
"People's ideas of pleasure differ," I say, with trite snappishness.
"Yes," he answers, a little sadly, "no two people look at any thing inquitethe same way, do they?—not even husband and wife."
"I suppose not," say I, still thinking of the steward.
"Do you know," he says, leaning his arms and his crossed hands on the table between us, and steadfastly regarding me, "that I never saw you look miserable before, never? I did not even know that youcould!"
"I am notmiserable," I answer, rather ashamed of myself, "that is far too strong a word! Of course I am a little disappointed." Then I mumble off into an indistinctness, whence the nouns "House—warming," "Bobby," "Gold Coast," crop out audibly.
"After all," he says, still regarding me, and speaking kindly, yet a little coldly too, "you need not look so woebegone. They say second thoughts are best, do not they? Well, I have been thinking second thoughts, and—I have altered my mind."
"You are going to stay at home?" cry I, at the top of my voice, jumping up in an ecstasy, and beginning to clap my hands.
"No," he says, gently, "not quitethat, as I explained to you before, that is impossible: but—do not be downcast—something nearly as good. I am going to leaveyouat home!"
To leave me at home! My first feeling is one of irrepressible relief. No sea! no steward! no courtesying ship! no swaying waves after all! Then comes a quick and strong revulsion, shame, mortification, and pain.
"To—leave—me—at home!" I repeat slowly, hardly yet grasping the idea, "to—go—without—me!—by yourself?"
"By myself," he answers, gently. "You see, it is nonewthing to me. I have been by myself for forty-seven years."
A quick, remorseful pain runs through my heart.
"But you are not by yourself any longer," I cry, eagerly. "Why do you talk as if you were? Do you countmefor nothing?"
"For nothing?" he answers, smiling quietly. "I am glad of an excuse to be rid of you for a bit—that is it!"
"Butisthat it?" cry I, excitedly, rising and running round to him. "If you are sure of that—if you willswearit to me—I will not say another word. I will hold my tongue, and try to bear as well as I can, your having grown tired of me so soon—but—" speaking more slowly, and hesitating, "if—if—it is that you fancied—you thought—you imagined—that I did notwantto come with you—"
"My dear," he says, laughing not at all bitterly, but with a genuine amusement, "I should have been even less bright than I am, if I had not gathered that much."
I sink down on a chair, and cover my face with my hands. Myattitudeis the same as it was ten minutes ago, but oh, how different are my feelings! What bitter repentance, what acute self-contempt, invade my soul! As I so sit, I feel an arm round my waist.
"Nancy," says Sir Roger, "it was ill-naturedly said; do not fret about it; you were not in the least to blame. I should not like you half so much—should not think nearly so well of you, if you had been willing to give up all your own people, to throw them lightly over, all of a sudden, for a comparative stranger, treble your age, too"—(with a sigh)—"like me."
He generously ignores the selfish fear of sea-sickness, ofpersonalsuffering, which had occupied the fore-front of my mind.
"It will be much,muchbetter, and a far more sensible plan for both of us," he continues, cheerfully. "Where would be the use of exposing you to the discomfort and misery of what you hate most on earth for no possible profit? I shall not be long away, shall be back almost before you realize that I am gone, and meanwhile I should be far happier thinking of you merry, and enjoying yourself with your brothers and sisters at Tempest, than I should be seeing you bored and suffering, with no one but me to amuse you—you know, dear—" (smiling pensively); "do not be angry with me, it was no fault of yours; but youdidgrow rather tired of me at Dresden."
"I did not! I did not!" cry I, bursting into a passion of tears, and asseverating all the more violently because I feel, with a sting of remorse, that there is a tiny grain of truth—not so large a one as he thinks, but still agrainin his accusations. "It seemed ratherquietat first—I had always been used to such a noisy house, and I missed the boys' chatter a little, perhaps; butindeed,INDEED, that was all!"
"Was it? I dare say! I dare say!" he says, soothingly.
"You shallnotleave me behind," say I, still weeping with stormy bitterness. "Iwill notbe left behind! What business have you to go without me? Am I to be only a fair-weather wife to you? to go shares in all your pleasant things, and then—when any thing hard or disagreeable comes—to be left out. I tell you" (looking up at him with streaming eyes) "that Iwill not!I WILL NOT!"
"My darling!" he says, looking most thoroughly concerned, I do not fancy that crying women have formed a large part of his life-experience—"you misunderstand me! I will own to you, that five minutes ago I did you an injustice; butnowI know, I am thoroughly convinced, that you would follow me without a murmur or a sulky look to the world's end—and" (laughing) "be frightfully sea-sick all the way; but" (kindly patting my heaving shoulder) "do you think that I want to be hampered with a little invalid? and, supposing that I took you with me, whom should I have to look after things at Tempest, and keep them straight for me against I come home?"
"I know what it is," I cry, passionately clinging round his neck, "you think I do not like you! Iseeit! twenty times a day, in a hundred things that you do and leave undone! but indeed,indeed, you never were more mistaken in all your life! I will own to you that I did not careverymuch about you at first. I thought you good, and kind, and excellent, but I was notfondof you; butnow, every day, every hour that I live, I like you better! Ask Barbara, ask the boys if I do not! I like you ten thousand times better than I did the day I married you!"
"Likeme!" he repeats a little dreamily, looking with a strong and bitter yearning into my eyes; then, seeing that I am going to asseverate, "for God's sake, child," he says, hastily, "do not tell me that youloveme, for I know it is not true! you can no more help it than I can help caring for you in the idiotic, mad way, that I do! Perhaps, on some blessed, far-off day, you may be able to say so, and I to believe it, but not now!—not now!"