CHAPTERI.
Dear Pastor,
I shall now, according to the best of my ability, attempt to gratify the wish you several years since expressed, that I would arrange into one connected narrative, the various particulars I then communicated to you, of my previous life, and the exercises of my mind; its various workings, and conflicts, until the period when I was brought to the knowledge of Jesus, as the only and all-sufficient Saviour.
In drawing up this account of myself, my motive is, to record the loving-kindness of the Lord to me a sinner; and if you deem it proper to be brought before the public in any shape, the only object I would have in view, is the good of my fellow sinners, particularly such as have been, or are, in situations of life, similar to those I have been in, or have experienced similar exercises of mind.
Into the minutia of my early life, I do not intend to enter; and I would make this general remark in the outset, that my chief object is, to give a history of the workings of my mind, during the past part of my life, rather than the particulars of my life itself; but I shall narrate as much of these particulars as is necessary to account for, and illustrate, the history of my mind. I will also notice, briefly, such other things as may serve to entertain or inform the reader.
I was born in Glasgow, in the year 1779.—When I was very young, the belief of the omniscience of God, was frequently strongly impressed upon my mind, and the thought of his all-seeing eye, often checked my conscience and restrained me during early life, from gratifying my own inclinations, to the extent I otherwise would have done. I pretty early learned to read; and as I grew older I became increasingly fond of it, even indeed to excess. I read whatever came in my way; but the Psalms of David in metre, in use by the church of Scotland, and the Bible, being the first books in which I learned to read, and having the benefit of godly instruction and example at home, religious knowledge was that with which I was most acquainted. When I was about eleven years of age, I went to the Sabbath school, belonging to the Outer High Church parish, Glasgow, then taught by Mr. Begg, (now minister of New Monkland parish,) and superintended by the parish minister, the lateRev.Dr. Balfour. The chief exercises of the school were, reading the Scriptures, and repeating the Assembly's Shorter Catechism. Dr. Balfour frequently visited the school, after the afternoon's service was over, and staid sometimes an hour, and sometimes even to the conclusion at six o'clock. When the Catechism was repeated, he interrogated us on the meaning of the questions, and instructed us in their import. He questioned us upon the sermons we had been hearing, and gave us doctrines to prove from scripture, by collecting all the passages, that we thought contained these doctrines. The doctrines were the fundamental articles of the Christian religion; and as we read the passages, he would tell us when they were in point, and when not. I was an adept at repeating the Catechism; but as I had no margin Bible to point out the references, I had to range through the whole scriptures, and exercise my judgment, which of course was sometimes right, and sometimes wrong. When I was shown that I had brought forward a passage that did not apply, it made me think better next time; the passages I found out I remembered where to find again; and those that were brought forward by others, I added to my own stock. This was an exercise that did me more good, than all the other exercises of the school: for, in after life, when I had forgotten the Catechism, and the other things I had committed to memory, I did not forget how to find in the Bible, those passages I had formerly known; and if I happened to be reading the Bible, and came to any of those passages that had been read in the school, it awakened in my mind the remembrance of what had taken place there. I would then recollect something of the impressions that had been made at the time on my mind, and endeavoured to remember what was said by the minister on these occasions; but I shall notice this again; in a future part of the narrative. There were rewards sometimes given to any who repeated chapters, psalms, or hymns. The most remarkable instance of this kind that took place while I was in the school, was a present by a gentleman, of Doddridge's Rise and Progress of Religion in the Soul, and Sermons to Young Persons,[1]to be given as a reward to the boy (it was a school for boys only) who repeated best, from memory, Dr. Watts' Divine Songs for Children. We received copies of the hymns, and a time was fixed for the trial. I was very eager to obtain the prize, and even made it a matter of prayer. I wished to have the book, because I had conceived to myself, that it would teach me how to get to heaven. When the day of trial came, the minister was not present, but we were heard by one of the elders. The greater part of the children were very young, and most of them had learned only a few of the hymns. There were only four that could go any length in them, and only three that could go completely through them; and their merit was so equal, that it could not be said which was best. I was one of those three; but as it could not be determined who merited the book, it was deferred until next Sabbath evening, when it was expected that the minister would be present. He came, and we repeated the hymns to him with such equal accuracy, that he declared he could not give the prize to one more than another; and to make us equal, he procured other two copies of Doddridge's Rise and Progress; but, as he could not find copies of his Sermons to Young Persons, he bound in Boston's Fourfold State in their place, and I was put in possession of one of them.
I continued in the school about two years.
In 1796, being about the age of seventeen, I enlisted as a soldier in the100thregiment of foot, or Gordon Highlanders, commanded by the Marquis of Huntly,[2]then lying in the island of Corsica. When that island was evacuated by the British, the regiment came to Gibraltar, and I, along with the rest of the recruits, left Scotland and went to Chatham, where we joined other parties of recruits belonging to regiments lying in Gibraltar, for which place we embarked at Gravesend, inNov.1796. But the convoy with which we sailed, was forced, by stormy weather, to take shelter in Falmouth for six weeks; after which we proceeded to Lisbon, where we lay ten weeks, because the Spanish fleet was at sea, and ours inferior in number, was watching it. The battle of CapeSt.Vincent, was fought while we lay there, in which the Spanish fleet was defeated, and four sail of the line taken, which were sent into Lisbon. The British fleet soon followed, except a squadron left to watch the Spanish fleet in Cadiz. As soon as the fleet had repaired its damages, it set sail for Cadiz, and we went along with it for protection. We left them when we came off Cadiz, and were escorted by some frigates, through the straits to Gibraltar, where we landed in the beginning of April, 1797, and joined the regiment.
The general character of the army, for the profanation of God's holy name, is well known: and the temptations a young man has to encounter, from the very general practice of this vice, are very great. The religious instructions I had received, and the knowledge I had of the Scriptures, deterred me from acquiring a habit of swearing: I frequently reproved my comrades for it; and having done so, pride of heart also operated to prevent me from swearing myself, lest my comrades should, in ridicule, retort my reproofs upon me; and this they did not fail to do, if at any time I was guilty of an oath, or any thing approaching to it.
During the time I had been a recruit, and the time I was in Gibraltar, I neglected the reading of the scriptures. In the regiment, I met with a variety of characters; amongst others with Deists, who attempted to shake my belief of the truth of the scriptures. I was greatly disturbed and perplexed in my mind by their arguments; but I was not drawn into their opinions. Yet I still neglected my Bible, and continued gradually losing the knowledge of it I formerly had. There was an argument, which had a powerful effect upon my conscience, and with which I met all the pleas and excuses for swearing;—I argued, that if there was no God, it was an absurd thing to swear by the name of a being who had no existence: and if there were a God, he certainly would punish the dishonour done to him, by the profanation of his name.
There was a society of Methodists in Gibraltar, chiefly composed of men belonging to the different regiments in the garrison. They had a small place, where they had stated meetings for prayer and exhortation; there were a few of these Methodists in our regiment. Shortly after I joined it, the commanding officer gave out an order for none of the regiment to attend any of their meetings. What effect this order had in deterring any from attending at the time it was issued, I know not: it had not at least a permanent effect, for I know that several did attend afterwards, and no notice was taken of it. I went to this meeting place only once all the time I was in Gibraltar, and I was nearly a twelvemonth in the place. This shows what a careless state of mind I was in; for I may say it was the only religious exercise I was at, all that time. There were indeed prayers read to the garrison, every Sunday morning on the grand parade, when the weather was dry; but the chaplain was always at such a distance, that I never heard a word he said. There was a chapel at the governor's residence, where service was performed through the day, but I never was in it.
I began to fall into company which led me frequently to get intoxicated; I did not indeed fall into a habit, nor acquire an inclination for intoxicating liquors for their own sake; but had the same circumstances continued, I have great reason to fear, that an appetite for them would have been formed, and that I might have turned out a habitual drunkard. Gibraltar has, indeed, peculiar temptations to produce a habit of drunkenness. The wine is cheap; the place is warm; and in time of war with Spain, there is very little fresh provisions, and what is fresh, is very indifferent. There is a great deal of hard labour for the soldiers, for part of which they get extra pay: by the evening, many of them are fatigued, and actually need a refreshment beyond their ordinary provisions; but those who need the refreshment, are not content to go and get what they require for themselves; they often take one or two of their comrades with them, and having once sat down in the wine-house, they generally sit until either their money is exhausted, or their time; (for the moment the gun fires for the men to be in their barracks, the wine-houses must be emptied and shut, until after the new guards are marched away to relieve the old ones next morning, that no soldier may have it in his power to get drunk before guard mounting.) Those who are treated one night, treat in their turn those who treated them, when they get pay for work.
Many of the barrack-rooms are uncomfortable on account of their size, containing sixty or more men. This greatly destroys social comfort: for one or two individuals can molest all the rest; so that select retired conversation can not be enjoyed. Any thing of that kind is always ready to be interrupted by the vicious and ignorant, who do not fail to scoff and gibe at what they do not understand or relish themselves. Among so many men too, there will always be found some who take a malicious pleasure in making their neighbours unhappy. This renders the barrack-room quite uncomfortable during the evening; which, as the greater part are employed at work, or otherwise occupied during the day, is the principal time when they can be together. This, along with other things, induces those who have a little money, to spend the evening in the wine-house with their more select companions. Different sorts of vermin are very plenty in the barracks; and it is a common excuse for drinking, that they can not get a sound sleep, unless they be half drunk. It was customary at that time to settle the men's accounts once in two months; and, as very little pay was given to the soldiers over their rations during the intervals, the greater part had a considerable sum to receive: and then drinking was so very common, that to prevent a multiplicity of punishments, it was found necessary to have no parade, excepting those for guard, in order that the money might be the sooner done; and the different regiments in the garrison, had to take different days to settle their men's accounts, that the garrison might not be involved in one general state of intoxication at the same time. But I hear that matters are differently managed now; the men are oftener settled with, and get a larger proportion of their pay weekly, which prevents them from having so much money to receive at once. The most comfortable time I had, was when I was upon guard. There are many very retired guard stations; some of them in elevated situations, on the very summit of the rock, 1300 feet above the level of the sea, from which the view is truly grand, and where a fine opportunity is afforded for meditation. I sometimes took my Bible to guard with me, but I never made much use of it.
We left Gibraltar, and embarked for England in the beginning of March, and landed at Portsmouth,18thMay, 1798, and went into Hilsea barracks. During the voyage I read something more in my Bible, but much more still in any other book I could find; sometimes it was a novel, sometimes a history or play: sometimes it was a book of a religious cast; but this was rare: I read any thing I could get, to the neglect of the Bible.
1.I have learned since the publication of the first edition, that these Books were the gift of Mr. Auchincloss, a gentleman who took a very lively interest in the Sabbath schools. He was constantly employed in visiting them, and in giving rewards of various kinds to those who behaved well, and repeated, from memory, psalms or chapters.
1.I have learned since the publication of the first edition, that these Books were the gift of Mr. Auchincloss, a gentleman who took a very lively interest in the Sabbath schools. He was constantly employed in visiting them, and in giving rewards of various kinds to those who behaved well, and repeated, from memory, psalms or chapters.
2.The number of the regiment was afterwards changed to the92d, which is the number of it at present.
2.The number of the regiment was afterwards changed to the92d, which is the number of it at present.