Never, if escorting one lady or several, scuffle and bandy oaths with ticket-speculators at a theater-entrance. Cultivate an easyhauteurof manner.
Never, under like environments, offer to bounce the attendant policeman, boots, blue-coat and buttons, if he will only drop his club. Your ladies may object, if the policeman does not.
Never, upon entering, seize an usher by the throat, rub your coupons into his eyes, and loudly demand your seats orhis life. A public entertainment is not a rat-baiting.
Never retain your hat and take off your coat and waistcoat at theater or opera. To shed the tile and retain the garments is in better form.
Never whistle, guffaw or make boisterous comments during the rendition of pathetic scenes. Consistency’s a jewel.
Never testify your approbation by prolonged roars, cries of “Hear, hear!” tossing your hat in the air, and making quartz-crushers of your feet. Moderate your transports.
Never express your disapproval by furious catcalls, by pelting the performers with stale eggs, or by vociferated injunctions to “choke ’em off,” to “burn the crib,”or to “run down the rag.” A pronounced sibilation, accompanied by judicious barkings, will answer quite as well.
Never, even if slowly murdered by the orchestra, betray your sufferings by idiotic grimaces, violent contortions and dismal groans. Remember Talleyrand, who could have smiled his unconsciousness even if stabbed in the back.
Never jocosely shout out “Fire!” if a red-haired lady should rustle into a seat in front of you. Incendiarism is the legitimate mission of stump-orators and fire-bugs.
Never bring your opera-glass to bear like a siege-gun, with your lips spread open as over a Barmecides free-lunch. Evena harsh gritting of the teeth, during the operation, is not in the best taste.
Never hold it for a lady to look through, while adjusting her line of vision by the back of her head, and advising her in a hoarse whisper as to the best method for “gunning” her object. Are you at the opera or the race-course?
Never loudly discuss politics, divorce suits or ministerial scandals at the theater or at a concert when the performance is going on. If speech is silver and silence golden, discussion at such times is metallic to annoyance.
Never, if compelled to quit the building before the entertainment is finished, pass up the aisle on all fours, to avoid an interruption. Siamese obsequiousnessis out of place in well-bred audiences.
Never, at the close, hump your way boorishly through the well-dressed throngs, or expedite an exit by flying leaps over the backs of the seats. Even a break over the stage would be preferable to this form.
Never, after a brief adjournment to the open air, apologize to the lady under your escort with a profuseness that will render the cloves, burned coffee or smoked herring too apparent on your breath. Better confess at once to a gin-sour, and be done with it. Frankness and rankness rhyme but in materiality where truth is at stake.
Never send flowers to the stage in amarket-basket, or bombard adivawith bouquets bigger than a cooking-stove. The language of flowers should appeal to the inner sense.
Never enter a crowded auditorium with your thumbs in the arm-holes of your waistcoat, head thrown back, chin in air, and the stub of a cigar between the teeth. Self-consciousness may be pushed to an extreme.
Never lunch between acts, in full view of audience, on cheap sandwiches, peanuts and ginger-beer, even if you have missed your supper. Secretly tighten your waist-band, and think of Baron Trenck and his fortitude in prison.
Never blow your nose with a loud trumpeting during an especially interestingscene, or while a difficult aria is being sung. A fanfare is not necessarily in sympathy with atremolo.
Never, if with a lady, individualize the features of a ballet. A grinning reticence in this regard is more delicate.
Never attempt to join in with the chorus, even at a negro minstrel show. Even burnt-cork has its privileges.
Never permit a lady to pay for the tickets at the box-office. If you havn’t any money, don’t go.
Never, on seeing a lady home, hint that ice-cream and oyster-saloons are dangerous places at night, the common resorts of tramps, thieves, prize-fighters and penniless adventurers. Veracity is one of the characteristics of high breeding.
Never, if her residence is closed for the night, leave her on the stoop, while you go for a policeman to batter in the door. Ring the bell, and wait.
Never say, in wishing her good-night, that she has cost you a pot of money, but that her society was something of an equivalent. If she really esteems you, she will have inferred as much.
Never criticise her conduct during the evening, even if it may not have come up to your standard. Respect heramour propre.
A GREAT HIT.A Naughty Girl’s Diary—BY—AUTHOR OF“A Bad Boy’s Diary.”FULL OF FUN.Price 50 cents.
Transcriber’s Note:Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.
Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation are as in the original.