CHAPTER XIII.
A few hours later, I was honoured by a most embarrassing request. I say honoured, because the request was the outcome of a desire to pay due attention to a visitor who possessed a good passport to New Amazonian favour in that she took an intelligent interest in her surroundings. If I add that my diminutive stature, curious appearance, and mysterious mode of arrival had somewhat tickled the national vein of curiosity, I shall not be far wrong.
The service required of me was to make a public speech,in which I was asked to give a slight account of the manners and customs of my own country, as well as the best explanation I could give of my journey hither, and my mode of eluding the coastguard. No doubt many of my readers may think that such a request would not have embarrassed them. They could have talked glibly enough, and would have felt quite comfortable when addressing the audience which intended to listen to my feeble utterances.
As for giving a succinct account of the journey, they could have invented on the spot so marvellous a recital as would have excited the wonderment of every New Amazonian. I am quite willing to admit that to these clever individuals the forthcoming meeting would have presented no terrors. But they may possibly comprehend my feelings when I tell them that I had never lectured, or made a speech before a large audience in my life. And yet, here was I expected to pose my insignificant self upon a public platform, and address a crowded meeting at an hour’s notice, conscious all the time that thousands of people were criticising my odd appearance and old-fashioned diction.
It certainly was no small ordeal for me to face, and I am not at all sure that my trepidation was lessened by the information that the Honourable Augustus was also going to give a recital of his adventures. To be honest, I was not proud of his ability, and I was rather afraid lest he should allow himself to be carried away by his insular, as well as by his masculine conceit, and bring ridicule upon both of us. For, although we knew nothing of each other’s antecedents, it was inevitable that we should be coupled together in the minds of New Amazonians, who had never met with our like before.
Myra was solicitous that I should look my very best, and save for the sash, which aliens were not permitted towear, I was as gay as any unofficial native who would be present. My escort was a large one. It seemed to me that all the college was going, and long before we entered the magnificent Hall of Discussion, in which I was to pose as one of the central figures, I had come to the conclusion that everybody else in Andersonia was bound for the same place.
“I do believe that the Hall is going to prove too small to-night,” remarked Myra, as we gained the entrance, where a large crowd was endeavouring to obtain an early turn at the automatic gate which permitted none but presentees of a certain coin of the realm to obtain access to the auditorium.
Myself and escort passed up a grand staircase, and presently reached the platform, where my own appearance proved the signal for a loud and long-continued burst of applause, which was presently renewed when Mr. Fitz-Musicus was ushered on to the platform.
Hewasn’t nervous. I could see that at a glance. I never saw anyone look around on a vast multitude of people with such a superlatively ridiculous affectation of arrogance and accentuated self-esteem, and a curious conviction suddenly assailed me. The Honourable Augustus was not of the sort of material that can ever be brought to eat humble pie, under any circumstances whatever. His experiences in this marvellous country only served to emphasize his national prejudices, and I could see that, so far from acknowledging native superiority, he was bent upon making the erstwhile proud boast that he was “a true born Englishman.”
A quick, compassionate glance which he threw at me also revealed the fact that he rather pitied me for the feminine ignorance and incompetence which I was doomed to display ere long. But, somehow, the irritationwhich his presence invariably aroused in me dispelled the feeling of tremour with which I had hitherto been possessed, and I defiantly resolved that whatever Mr. Fitz-Musicus himself might think upon the subject, our audience should not vote my oratorical powers so vastly inferior to his.
My sojourn in New Amazonia had already tended to bestow more vigour upon me, and since my visit to the Renewing Rooms I had felt unwontedly strong. Now that pique, wounded vanity, or a natural spirit of emulation—call it what you will—had banished my nervousness, I felt equal to any demands which were likely to be made upon my powers of endurance. The Honourable Augustus was also somewhat improved in physique, but I did not fear the contest, as I instinctively felt that the very weapons with which he was so fond of asserting his superiority to my own unfortunate sex would be the means of his undoing in popular esteem, if brought into action on this occasion.
The proceedings began by our introduction to several prominent New Amazonian celebrities, one of whom was no less an individual than the Leader herself, whose dark green velvet attire was so richly embroidered with gold tissue that she looked perfectly resplendent. Her cap and sash were, in addition, adorned with gems, of which the prevailing design was a harp encircled with shamrocks, the harps being outlined in diamonds, and the shamrocks in emeralds.
The Leader herself was a magnificent woman, who, when her term of office expired, would once more lapse into her former condition of comparative obscurity as Professor of Moral Philosophy, for it was one of the laws of this strange land, that whenever a Leader’s term of office had run out, she should for ten years at least take no further active part in the government of her country. The next Leader elected was always one of the Prime Advisers, who hadalready done duty in the ranks of the Privy Councillors, these in their turn being elected by popular vote from the Tribunes. It was considered desirable to afford equal chances to every candidate for Office, hence the limitations of time insisted upon.
When the Leader entered, the whole audience rose to greet her. Then, as soon as she and her escort were seated, and our introduction to her was graciously acknowledged, Principal Grey, in a few well-chosen words, described how one of her students had encountered the two strangers in the college garden, and the arrangements that had been made for our comfort and entertainment.
While she was still speaking, the Honourable Augustus skipped over the stage on tiptoe and enquiredsotto voce, “I say, are you going to speak first, or am I?”
“Just as you like,” I replied in a whisper, willing to do anything to get rid of him, and cover his breach of manners in creating a diversion while Principal Grey was still speaking.
“That’s all right, then,” he ejaculated, evidently greatly relieved. “You see, I am used to speaking in public; and you are not. You might spoil the impression I wish to create, if you spoke first. And besides——”
“For goodness sake bestow your attention upon your surroundings,” I interrupted hurriedly, standing up as I spoke, and accepting the hand of Principal Grey, who led me forward, and introduced me to the audience, a very handsome man performing the like service for the Honourable Augustus, who bowed so theatrically, and looked so killingly dudish, that the one prevailing expression on the faces of all who saw him was a large smile, which produced radiant satisfaction in Augustus.
“Mr. Fitz-Musicus wishes to speak first,” I quietly informed the Principal. She looked not a little surprisedat what she evidently regarded as his presumption. But no objection was made to the proposal, and in another moment we were listening to the Honourable Augustus’s remarkable peroration.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, and was forthwith astounded to hear deprecating murmurs all over the house. For an instant he looked dumbfounded, then he seemed to think he knew what was wrong, and recovered his presence of mind with magical swiftness. “I beg the pardon of all those here assembled,” he continued, “I ought to have saidgentlemenandladies. We are more polite in our country, and always, when in public, do our best to flatter theinferior sex. However, since you prefer it the other way, here goes. It is with great pleasure, gentlemen and ladies——”
But it was quite impossible to catch what he said next, for he had tickled the national sense of humour, and though the individual laughter of each one present was the gentlest possible expression of New Amazonian merriment, the collective result quite deadened the sound of the “distinguished stranger’s” voice.
At this juncture the Speaker rose to her feet, and stepped to the side of the Honourable Augustus. In an instant the deepest silence reigned, as all listened for the words of wisdom which were expected to fall from her lips.
“My children,” she began gravely, her rich voice filling the Hall with melodious sound, “must I remind you that the laws of hospitality are violated when the slightest interruption of the evening’s programme is made? Do you forget that it was well-known ere we met this evening that our guests have been brought up under conditions so dissimilar to our own, that it is impossible for them to be acquainted with our usual forms of address, I must crave your strict silence during the remainder of the proceedings.And you, Mr. Fitz-Musicus,” she continued, “will perhaps pardon me if I here offer the information that neither ‘ladies’ nor ‘gentlemen’ are supposed to exist in New Amazonia. We pride ourselves upon being honest, matter-of-fact ‘women’ and ‘men,’ and discard the other appellations as too suggestive of affectations and mannerisms. You will, therefore, kindly excuse the feeling of surprise with which most of us heard ourselves greeted by words which, with us, are terms of opprobrium.”
While she spoke, the Honourable Augustus stood looking at her with an expression of jaunty ease which spoke volumes for the invulnerability of hissang froid, and even induced me to look at him with feelings in which admiration fought for a place on a plane with my amusement.
“Oh, don’t mention it, madam,” he said, airily, “I might have known that you did not aspire to the same level of culture as the English. All the same, I am very glad if I can afford you amusement, so here goes once more.”
Raising his voice, he now turned to the audience, and so perfect were the acoustic properties of the Hall, that every word he uttered was heard in the most distant corner.
“I suppose,” he said coolly, “that I may safely take your Mrs. Leader as my model, and address you as ‘My children.’ Mighty big children some of you are, too. I can’t help thinking that I wouldn’t like too many of your size to provide for. But although it is a common adage in good old England that, ‘good stuff is put into little compass,’ I am willing to admit that there may be exceptions, and I honestly think that the Irish race has improved since I first knew it. But you are not here to listen to my opinions of you, but to hear my explanation of the reasons and the method which brought me hither.
“Our parsons—I suppose you have parsons here, too—asI said, our parsons always divide their sermons under several heads. I will be more considerate, and use only two. In the first place, I am not conscious of ever having had any reasons for coming here. In the second place, I know no more of the method in which I journeyed hither than the man in the moon. You seem to have abolished a good many things here, but I don’t suppose you have abolished the man in the moon, so you will know what I mean. Still, I believe I can offer some sort of explanation that will be of interest to my audience.
“When at home in my native country, I am thought pretty well of by those who know me. In fact, I may say that I am rather a favourite both with my own and the fair sex. This is all very well in some respects, but is not exactly an unmixed advantage. It may not be generally known here that I am entitled to wear the Royal Arms with a bar sinister, one of my ancestors being no less a personage than a King of England, whom it behoved to provide for his offspring, since his benighted people showed a disinclination to do so.
“Unfortunately, the splendid title and pension bestowed upon the progenitress of our family honours and emoluments have been appropriated by my elder brother, the Duke of Quaverly, and my own allowance is so small as to be totally inadequate to the needs of a scion of a noble house. This has caused the limits of my enjoyments to be somewhat circumscribed, but there is one means of increasing my pleasures which never fails me. The practice to which I allude may not be known to you foreigners, but you have reason to thank it, for to it you owe the opportunity of listening to a speech by the Honourable Augustus Fitz-Musicus.
“I cannot say how long it is since, for I have got rather mixed up in my dates. But one evening I accompanied afriend of mine to a certain establishment in Soho, where we partook of some Hasheesh, and, comfortably reclining upon some velvet lounges, resigned ourselves to the enjoyment of the dreams which we expected. My dreamy state came on soon enough, but the first thing I remember is finding myself stuck up an apple tree. I must leave it to the perspicacity of the assembled multitude to explain how I came there.
“As you already know, I was not the only fresh importation from my country, but the other party will speak for herself by-and-bye. Then one of your—a—must I say women? Ah, yes—one of your women, and a dooced fine woman too, came upon the scene; cut the other party altogether; took a violent fancy to myself; and informed others of my arrival. I have been well-treated since I came here, that is, as well as you know how to do it.
“But I think it’s a confounded nuisance not to be able to get hold of a bit of butcher’s meat. And it’s just beastly to be unable to raise a smoke in any shape or form.
“There are many other things in which we Londoners at least can beat you into fits. There is a much greater proportion of married women among us. I have been told that the women here prefer to be old maids, but I know a trick worth two of that. I have often heard the same sort of thing in England, and the very people that professed such sentiments always snapped at the first chance of a husband they got, I may say that I prefer teetotalism just now, but oh, Jemima! don’t I wish that some of you would tempt me with a bottle of Moët and Chandon! In fact, the very thought of all I am deprived of while here has thoroughly upset me, and I don’t care how soon I’m home again.”
Saying this, poor ill-used Augustus ceased speaking, and sat down on the seat provided for him with such a sourand discontented expression on his face that one could almost fancy a transformation had taken place, and that was someone other than the man who commenced his speech so jauntily.
As for the audience, it seemed to me that every face I looked at wore an expression of disgust at the man who was rewarding the Mother’s hospitality so rudely. The deep silence which followed upon the speech from which much edification had been expected, appeared to me to be so ominous of displeasure, that all my erstwhile nervousness re-appeared in full force.
But I was anxious to undo the unpleasant impression which my countryman had made, and, the initiatory sentence of my speech once got over, I talked fluently enough. I really do not remember half of what I said, but think that I must have expressed myself graphically and satisfactorily enough, for I sat down amid a perfect thunder of applause, which caused the Honourable Augustus to look daggers at me. I daresay he was justified in doing so, for I fancy that when I was drawing comparisons between my own country and the one in which we were sojourning, and all to the credit of the latter, he believed me to be actuated more by a desire to flatter my audience than to speak the honest truth.
That he was mistaken in this respect I can truthfully say, but I do not suppose he has forgiven me to this day, unless he has come to look upon the whole affair as the production of his Hasheesh-laden imagination. But whatever my countryman may have thought of my performance, it evidently satisfied everybody else, and I was very glad that this was so, as I felt that some return was due from me for all the kindness and hospitality I had met with during my sojourn here.