“Oh, there’s many a bud the cold frost will nip,And there’s many a slip ’twixt the cup and the lip.”
“Oh, there’s many a bud the cold frost will nip,And there’s many a slip ’twixt the cup and the lip.”
“Oh, there’s many a bud the cold frost will nip,And there’s many a slip ’twixt the cup and the lip.”
“Oh, there’s many a bud the cold frost will nip,
And there’s many a slip ’twixt the cup and the lip.”
Aunt M.That’s Jack’s voice! Goodness me! Let us scoot for home!
Jack.Did he kiss you, Aunt Mattie?
Mary.Do you like the smell of cloves, Uncle Cyrus?
C. G.Confound you both! If I had hold of ye I’d let you know if I like to smell cloves, and birch, too.
(Curtain falls.)
From “The Rivals.”
Costumes.
EnterMrs. Malaprop, with a letter in her hand,Captain Absolutefollowing.
Mrs. Malaprop.
Your being Sir Anthony’s son, Captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am convinced you deserve the character here given of you.
Capt. A.Permit me to say, madame, that as I have never yet had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair, at present, is the honor of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop, of whose intellectual accomplishments, elegant manners and unaffected learning no tongue is silent.
Mrs. M.Sir, you do me infinite honor! I beg, Captain, you’ll be seated. [Both sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, nowadays, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty.
Capt. A.It is but too true, indeed, ma’am; yet I fear our ladies should share the blame; they think our admiration of beauty so great that knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden trees, they seldom show fruit till time has robbed them of the more spacious blossoms: few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange tree, are rich in both at once.
Mrs. M.Sir, you overpower me with good breeding. [Aside.] He is the very pineapple of politeness! You are not ignorant, Captain, that this giddy girl has, somehow, contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eavesdropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of.
Capt. A.Oh, I have heard the silly affair before. I’m not at all prejudiced against her on that account. But it must be very distressing, indeed, to you, ma’am.
Mrs. M.Oh, it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree!—I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow—I believe I have it in my pocket.
Capt. A.My last note! [Aside.]
Mrs. M.Ay, here it is.
Capt. A.Oh, the little traitress, Lucy!
Mrs. M.There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.]
Capt. A.I think I have seen the hand before—yes, I certainly must have seen this hand before.
Mrs. M.Nay, but read it, Captain.
Capt. A.[reads.] “My soul’s idol, my adored Lydia!” Very tender, indeed!
Mrs. M.Tender! ay, and profane too, o’my conscience.
Capt. A.“I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival”——
Mrs. M.That’s you, sir.
Capt. A.“Has universally the character of being an accomplished gentleman and a man of honor.” Well, that’s handsome enough.
Mrs. M.Oh, the fellow has some design in writing so.
Capt. A.That he had, I’ll answer for him, ma’am.
Mrs. M.But go on, sir—you’ll see presently.
Capt. A.“As for the old weather-beaten she-dragon who guards you”?—who can he mean by that?
Mrs. M.Me, sir—me—he means me there—what do you think now?—but go on a little further.
Capt. A.Impudent scoundrel!—“it shall go hard, but I will elude her vigilance! as I am told that the same ridiculous vanity which makes her dress up her coarse features and deck her dull chat with hard words which she don’t understand”——
Mrs. M.There, sir, an attack upon my language! what do you think of that?—an aspersion upon my parts of speech! was ever such a brute! Sure, if I reprehend anything in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs.
Capt. A.He deserves to be hanged and quartered! let me see—“same ridiculous vanity”——
Mrs. M.You need not read it again, sir!
Capt. A.I beg pardon, ma’am—“does also lay her open to the grossest deceptions from flattery and pretended admiration”—an impudent coxcomb—“so that I have a scheme to see you shortly, with the old harridan’s consent, and even to make her a go-between in our interviews”—Was ever such assurance!
Mrs. M.Did you ever hear anything like it? [They rise.] He’ll elude my vigilance, will he?—yes, yes!—ha! ha! he’s very likely to enter these doors!—we’ll try who can run best!
Capt. A.So we will, ma’am—so we will—Ha! ha! ha! a conceited puppy! ha! ha! ha!—Well, but Mrs. Malaprop, as the girl seems so infatuated by this fellow, suppose you were to wink at her corresponding with him for a little time—let her even plot an elopement with him—then do you connive at her escape—while I, just in the nick, will have the fellow laid by the heels, and fairly contrive to carry her off in his stead.
Mrs. M.I am delighted with the scheme; never was anything better perpetrated.
Capt. A.But, pray, could I not see the lady for a few minutes now?—I should like to try her temper a little.
Mrs. M.Why, I don’t know—I doubt she is not prepared for a visit of this kind. There is a decorum in these matters.
Capt. A.O, she won’t mind me!—only tell her Beverley——
Mrs. M.Sir!
Capt. A.Gently, good tongue! [Aside.]
Mrs. M.What did you say of Beverley?
Capt. A.Oh, I was going to propose that you should tell her, by way of jest, that it was Beverley who was below—she’d come down fast enough then—ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. M.’Twould be a trick she well deserves—besides, you know, the fellow tells her he’ll get my consent to see her—ha! ha!—Let him, if he can, I say again.—Lydia, come down here! [Calling.] He’ll make me a go-between in their interviews!—ha! ha! ha!—Come down, I say, Lydia!—I don’t wonder at your laughing—ha! ha! ha! his impudence is truly ridiculous.
Capt. A.’Tis very ridiculous, upon my soul, ma’am!—ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. M.The little hussy won’t hear. Well, I’ll go and tell her at once who it is—she shall know that Captain Absolute is come to wait on her; and I’ll make her behave as becomes a young woman.
Capt. A.As you please ma’am.
Mrs. M.For the present, Captain, your servant—Ah! you’ve not done laughing yet, I see—elude my vigilance! yes, yes—Ha! ha! ha!
[Exit.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan.
Characters.
Scene.—Mrs. C.’sdwelling. Table set.Mr. C.outside.
Mr. C.Good evenin’ to you, ma’am.
Mrs. C.Good evenin’ to you, Mr. Costello.
Mr. C.It’s fine weather we’re havin’, ma’am.
Mrs. C.It is that, thank God, but the winter’s comin’ at last, and it comes to all, both great and small.
Mr. C.Ah! but for all that it doesn’t come to all alike. Nowhere are you, ma’am, fat, rosy and good-lookin’, equally swate as a summer greenin’, a fall pippin or a winter russet—
Mrs. C.Arrah, hould your whist, now. Much an old bachelor like you knows about apples or women. But come in, Mr. Costello, and take a cup o’ tay with me, for I was only standin’ be the door lookin’ at the people passin’ for company sake, like, and I’m sure the kittle must have sung itself hoarse. [Mr. C.enters and sits.]
Mr. C.It’s very cosy ye are here, Mrs. Cummiskey.
Mrs. C.Yes. [Lays the supper.] It is that whin I do be havin’ company.
Mr. C.Ah! it must be lonesome for you with only yer cat and the cup o’ tay.
Mrs. C.Sure it is. But sit up to the table, Mr. Costello. Help yourself to this fish, and don’t furget the purtaties. Look at them; they’re splittin’ their sides wid laughin’. [She pours tea.]
Mr. C.I’m sensible of the comforts of a home, Mrs. Cummiskey, though I’ve none meself. Mind now, the difference between the taste o’ tay made and sarved that way and the tay they gives you in an aitin’-house.
Mrs. C.Sure there’s nothin’ like a little home of yer own. I wonder yer never got marrit, Mr. Costello.
Mr. C.I was about to make the same remark in rifference to yerself, ma’am.
Mrs. C.God help us, aren’t I a widder woman this seven years?
Mr. C.Ah, but it’s thinkin’ I was why ye didn’t get marrit again.
Mrs. C.Well, it’s sure I am [thoughtfully setting down her teacup and raising her hand by way of emphasis], there was no betther husband to any woman than him that’s dead and gone, heaven save an’ rest his sowl. He was that asy a child could do anything wid him, and he was as humorous as a monkey. You favor him very much, Mr. Costello. He was about your height, and complicted like you.
Mr. C.Ah!
Mrs. C.He often used to say to me in his banterin’ way, Sure, Nora, what’s the woruld to a man whin his wife is a widder, manin’, you know, that all the timptations and luxuries of this life can never folly a man beyant the grave. Sure, Nora, says he, what’s the woruld to a man whin his wife’s a widder?
Mr. C.It was a sensible sayin’ that [helping himself to more fish].
Mrs. C.I mind the day John died. He knew everything to the last, and about four o’clock in the afthernoon—it was seventeen minutes past five exactly, be the clock, that he died—he says to me, Nora, says he, you’ve been a good wife, says he, an’ I’ve been a good husband, says he, an’ so there’s no love lost atween us, says he, an’ I could give ye a good characthur to any place, says he, an’ I wish ye could do the same for me where I’m goin’, says he; but it’s case equal, says he, an’ every dog has his day, an’ some has a day an’ a half, says he, an’ says he, I’ll know more in a bit than Father Corrigan himself, says he, but I’ll say now, says he, that I’ve always been a true son of the Church, says he, so I’ll not bother my brains about it; an’ he says, says he, I lave ye in good hands, Norafor I lave you in your hands, says he; an’ if at any time ye see any wan ye like betther nor me, marry him, says he. Ah, Nora, says he, for the first time spakin’ it solemn like, ah, Nora, what’s the woruld to a man whin his wife’s a widder? An’ says he, I lave fifty dollars for masses, and the rest I lave to yourself, said he, an’ I needn’t tell ye to be a good mother to the childer’, says he, for well ye know there are none. Ah, poor John! Will ye have another cup of tay, Mr. Costello?
Mr. C.It must have been very hard on ye [passing cup]. Thank ye, ma’am, no more.
Mrs. C.It was hard, but time will tell. I must cast about me for my own livin’; and so I got intil this place an’ here I am to-day. [Both rise from the table and seat themselves before the fire.]
Mr. C.Ah! an’ here we are both of us this evenin.’
Mrs. C.Here we are, sure enough.
Mr. C.And so I mind ye of—of him, do I?
Mrs. C.That ye do. Ye favor him greatly. Dark complicted, an’ the same plisint smile.
Mr. C.Now, with me sittin’ here an’ you sittin’ there ferninst me, ye might almost think ye were marrit agin. [Insinuatingly.]
Mrs. C.Ah, go away now for a taze that ye are. [Mussing her apron by rolling the corners of it.]
Mr. C.I disremember what it was ye said about seein’ any man you liked betther nor him. [Moving his chair nearer to that of the widow.]
Mrs. C.He said, said he [smoothing her apron over her knees], Nora, said he, if anny time ye see anny man ye like betther nor me, marry him, says he.
Mr. C.Did he say anything about anny one ye liked as good as him?
Mrs. C.I don’t mind that he did. [Reflectively, folding her hands in her lap.]
Mr. C.I suppose he left that to yerself?
Mrs. C.Faith, an’ I don’t know, thin.
Mr. C.Div ye think ye like me as well as ye did him? [Persuasively, leaning forward to look into the widow’s eyes, which are cast down.]
Mrs. C.Ah, go away now for a taze. [Straightening herself and playfully slappingMr. Costelloon the face. He moves his chair still nearer, and puts his arm around her waist.]
Mr. C.Tell me, div ye like me as well as ye did him?
Mrs. C.I—I most—I most disremember now how much I liked him. [Embarrassed.]
Mr. C.Ah, now, don’t be breakin’ me heart. Answer me this question, Mrs. Cummiskey—Is your heart tender toward me?
Mrs. C.It is [whispers], an’ there, now ye have it.
Mr. C.Glory! [Kisses her.]
Mrs. C.But, James, ye haven’t told me yet how ye liked yer tay?
Mr. C.Ah, Nora, me jewel, the taste of that first kiss would take away the taste of all the tay that ever was brewed.