CHAPTER X.

—Fear to my feet gave wings.

Continuing my course still to the east, I came to the philosophical-land, as its inhabitants, who are principally engaged in the study of philosophy and the sciences, vain-gloriously call it. I had long and earnestly wished to see this land, which I enthusiastically ascribed to be the seat of the muses.

I hurried on with all possible celerity. But the roads were so full of stones, holes and bogs, that I was delayed, besmirched, and bruised. However, I endured these troubles patiently, anticipating the delights that awaited me, and well knowing that the path to paradise is not over roses. When I had struggled onward for an hour I met a peasant, of whom, after saluting him, I demanded how far distant the borders of Maskattia were? "You should rather ask," he replied, "how far you must go back;—for you are now in the very middle of it!"

In great astonishment I asked, "How is it, that a land inhabited by pure philosophers, should appear like the abode of wild animals and ignorant barbarians?" "Indeed," said the peasant, "It would look better if the people could find time to attend to such trifles. At present they must be excused, for they have higher and nobler things in their heads: they are now speculating about the shortest road to the sun. Nobody can blow and swallow at the same time."

I understood the meaning of the cunning peasant, and left him, after getting the direction to the capital city, Casea. Instead of guardsand the usual collection about the gates of a large town, hens and geese strutted about at their ease: in the crevices of the gate hung birds-nests and cobwebs.

In the streets philosophers and swine were mingled together, and both classes being alike filthy, they were only to be distinguished from each other by form.

The philosophers wore a kind of cloak, of the color of which I should not dare to give an opinion, so thick was the dirt upon them. I was run into by one of these wise men, who seemed to be enraptured by some speculation.

"I beg pardon, master of arts!" I exclaimed, "may I ask of you the name of this town?" He stood for some time immovable, with closed eyes; then recovering somewhat from his trance, and rolling his eyes upwards, he muttered: "We are not far from noon!"

This untimely answer, which betrayed a perfect insensibility, convinced me that intelligence resulting from methodical and practical study is preferable to the torpid insanity incident to much learning.

I went on, hoping to meet with some sensibleanimal, or any body rather than a philosopher. In the market-place,—a very extensive square,—were a great many statues and pillars, covered with inscriptions.

I approached one of them to get, if possible, the meaning of the characters. While engaged in spelling the words, my back suddenly became warm, and immediately after I felt warm water trickling down my legs. I turned round to discover the fountain of the stream, and, lo! an abstracted philosopher was performing, at ease on my back, the same operation that the dogs do against the study.

This infamous trick excited my wrath, and I gave him a severe blow.

The philosopher regained his wits at this, and seizing me by the hair, dragged me around the market-place. Our struggles soon brought us both to the ground. Then a multitude of philosophers came running towards us, and having dragged me from under my opponent, beat me with their sticks till I became senseless. I was then carried to a large house and thrown into the middle of the hall. I now recovered in a measure from my ill treatment.

On seeing this, the wise man who first insulted me, recommenced to beat me, notwithstanding my prayers for mercy. I now learned that the intensity of no anger can be compared to the philosophical; and that the teachers of virtue and moderation are not called upon to practise the same. The longer my oppressor beat me, the more did his blood boil. At last there came into the hall four sophists, whose cloaks proclaimed them to be of a different class from my late tyrants. They had some compassion for me, and soothed the rage of the others. I was taken to another house, and right glad was I to escape the hands of the bandits, and get among honest people.

I related to my protectors the cause of the calamity. They laughed heartily at the whole matter, and then explained to me that the philosopher, absorbed in deep thought, had mistaken me for a pillar before which it is customary, on certain natural occasions, to stop.

Just when I supposed myself in safety. I nearly gave up the ghost from fear. I was led into a dissecting room, filled with bones and dead bodies, the stench from which was intolerable.

After languishing in this disgusting den for half an hour, the lady of the house brought in my dinner, which she had prepared herself. She was very polite and amiable; but looked at me closely, and sighed continually. I asked the reason of her sorrow. She answered, "that she became sick when she thought of what I was to suffer."

"You have, indeed," she said, "come among honest people, for my husband, who lives in this house, is a doctor of medicine, and the others are his colleagues: but your uncommon figure has awakened their curiosity, and they have determined to take your internal structure into close consideration. In fine, they intend to cut you up, in the hope of finding some new phenomena in anatomy." I was thunder-struck at hearing these tidings. I cried out indignantly:

"How can people be called honest, madam! who entertain strangers only to cut them up?"

"You should stick your fingers in the ground," she replied, "and smell the land you have got into!" I begged her with tears in my eyes to intercede for me. She answered, "My intercession would be of no service to you: but I willendeavor to save you by other means." She then took my hand, carefully led me out by a back door, and guided me to the city gate.

Here I would have taken leave of my kind and gentle guide; but while manifesting my gratitude in the most lively expressions, she suddenly interrupted my speech and signified her intention not to leave me till I should be in perfect safety. She would not be persuaded to return. We walked on together. Meanwhile she entertained me with just and sensible remarks on the customs and follies of the people. Afterwards she turned the discourse to more delicate matters. We were at some distance from the city. My soft companion adverted to the danger from which she had saved me, and suddenly demanded of me, in return, a politeness which was morally impossible.

She told me with much feeling and warmth of the unfortunate fate of females in this land:—that the philosophers, entirely absorbed by their speculations, and buried among their books, neglect to an alarming extent, the duties of marriage. "Yes," she continued, "I can swear to you, that we should be wholly undone if somepolite traveller did not occasionally take pity on our miserable condition, and mitigate our torments."

I pretended not to understand her meaning, and showed the usual common-place and complacent sympathy.

But my coolness was as oil to the flame. I increased my pace. The poor lady, whose heart had hitherto been subjected to the sweet-smiling goddess, now changed to a fury.

I fled from my new danger. Fear and length of legs enabled me to outstrip her. Mingled with her shrieks, opprobrious epithets fell fast; the last I could distinguish were:Kaki Spalaki:—ungrateful hound!

I passed on to other provinces, in which I found but little uncommon and peculiar.

I now thought that I had seen all the wonders of Nazar. But when I came to the land of Cabac, more curious and more incredible things were disclosed to my gaze. Among the Cabacans there is a certain class without heads. These are born without that appendage. They speak through a hole in the middle of the breast. On account of this natural defect, they are generallyexcluded from offices where brains are thought to be useful. They are notwithstanding a serviceable class: the most of them are to be seen at court; being gentlemen of the bed-chamber, stewards of the household, keepers of the harem, &c.

Beadles, vestry-clerks and such brainless officers are chosen from this class.

Occasionally one of them is taken up into the senate, either by the particular favor of government, or through the influence of friends. This is done, generally, without injury to the country; for it is well known that the business of the country is carried on by a few senators, and that the rest are only useful to fill the seats, and agree and subscribe to the determinations of the leaders.

The inhabitants of the two provinces, Cambara and Spelek, are all lime trees. But their resemblance ends in form. The Cambarans live only about four years. The Spelekians, on the other hand, attain to the wonderful age of four hundred years.

In the former place, the people have their full growth a few weeks after birth, and finish theireducation before the first year. During the three remaining years they prepare for death. The province appeared to be a true Platonic republic, in which all the virtues reached to their perfection. The inhabitants, on account of their short lives, are, as it were, continually on the wing. They regard this life as a gate through which they hastily pass. Their hearts are fixed on the future rather than on the present. They may be called true philosophers, for they care not for luxury and pleasure, but strive through fear of God, virtuous actions, and clear consciences, to make themselves worthy of eternal happiness. In a word, this land seemed to be the habitation of saints and angels;—the only school of virtue.

I was here brought to think of the unreasonableness of those who grumble at the shortness of life,—those quarrellers with providence! Life can be called short when passed in luxury and idleness. The shortest life is long when it is well employed.

In Spelek, on the contrary, all the vices common to erring creatures seem to be congregated. The people have only the present in their minds, for the future has no sensible vanishing point.Sincerity, honesty, chastity and decency have taken flight to give place to falsehood, lasciviousness, and bad manners.

I was happy to get away from this province, although I was obliged to traverse desolate and rocky regions which lay beyond it. These deserts separate Spelek from Spalank, or the "Innocent Land."

This name is obtained from the meekness and innocence of the inhabitants. These are all stone oaks, and are thought to be the happiest of all sensible beings. They are not subject to any agitation of mind, and are free from all vices.

Free, of compulsion ignorant, did all obeyThe simple rules of nature. Justice easyAnd virtue unadorned they practised; for unknownWere punishment and fear. On no holy stoneWere menaces engraved: no holy tableDeclared the thunders of the law. None trembledAt the ruler's frown or nod: but, without guard,—With sharpened steel on shoulder ready poised,—Or castled wall bristling with murder's tools,Were all ranks safe. On no battle-fieldWas victor crowned or bloody altarHeaped with his kinsmen's corpses.With sportsAnd pleasant tales, in infant innocence they lived(The innocence that lies in mother's lap unstained.)Thus passed they from the fond embrace of peace,With easy change to Death's determined grasp.

When I came to this province, I found that the reputation which these people had gained, namely: that they practised virtue from inclination rather than from the authority of law—was well founded.

But as envy and ambition were entirely unknown to them,—the inducements to excel, and the will for great things were wanting.

They had no palaces, no courts, no fine buildings. They had no magistrates to administer law; no avarice to carry them to court. In fine, although without vices, they knew nothing of the arts,—of splendid virtues,—nor of any of the things which refine a people. They appeared to be rather an oak forest than a sensible and thoughtful nation.

I travelled next through the province Kiliak. The natives of this province are born with certain marks on their foreheads, which point out how long they will live. At first I imagined these people to be happy, as death could never overtake them unexpectedly, nor tear them away in the midst of their sins. But as each oneknows on what day he shall die, it is usual to postpone repentance till the last hour. They only are really pious who begin to sing their death song.

I saw several move about the streets with drooping heads and miserable looks—the signs upon their foreheads proclaimed their speedy dissolution.

They counted their remaining hours and minutes upon their fingers, and regarded with horror the rapidity of time.

The Creator's wisdom and goodness to us in this respect became obvious to me in this land. I could no longer doubt that it is better for us to be ignorant of the future.

From Kiliak I sailed over a black sound to the kingdom of Askarak; there new wonders greeted me. While in Cabac, people are to be seen without heads, here, on the contrary, individuals come into the world with seven heads. These are great universal geniuses. In former times, they were worshiped with almost divine veneration, and were made senators, chief magistrates, &c. As they had as many plans and expedients as heads, they executed with zeal andrapidity many different things, and while the government was in their hands, there was nothing left unchanged.

But as they made several sets of ideas effective at once, it happened, very naturally, that these ideas came in contact with each other. At last, they mingled together so intricately, that the seven-headed geniuses could not discriminate in from out. The affairs of government became so disordered that centuries were required to restore them to the simplicity from which these all-knowing magistrates had brought them.

A law had been established, before I went there, by which all seven-headed people were excluded from important offices, and the administration of government was given to simple and ordinary persons, that is, persons with but one head.

The many-headed now occupy the same places as the headless of Cabac.

Beyond Askarak, and separated from it by extensive deserts, lays the Duchy of Bostanki. The Bostankins resemble the Potuans in their external form. Their internal construction is very singular. The heart is placed in the rightleg; so that it may be literally said of them, that their hearts are in their breeches.

They are notorious for being the greatest cowards among all the inhabitants of Nazar.

Angry, from faintness and fatigue, I came to a tavern near the city gates. I could not abstain from growling at the landlord because he could not provide what I called for. The poor fellow fell on his knees before me, begged my pardon amid tears and groans, and held his right leg towards me that I might feel how his heart beat.

At this I laughed, and almost forgot to be angry. I wiped the tears from the poor sinner's eyes, and told him not to be afraid. He rose up, kissed my hand, and went out to prepare my food. Not long after, I heard lamentable cries and howls in the kitchen. I hastened thither, and to my great astonishment, saw the humble and trembling Monsieur poltroon engaged, very valiantly, in beating his wife and servant girls. When he perceived me he took to flight. I turned to the weeping wife and girls and demanded what could have excited such terrible anger in my lamb-like host. They stood for some time, silently, with their eyes fixed on theground. At length, the wife replied in the following words: "You do not seem, dear stranger! to have much knowledge of human nature. The citizens of this place, who dare not look at an armed enemy, and, at the least noise, creep like mice into holes, hector in the kitchens, and tyrannize over us feeble women."

Thoroughly disgusted by the mean and cowardly spirit of this people, I hired a boat to go to Mikolak. On landing I missed my outer coat, which I recollected to have put in the boat at starting. After quarrelling a long time with the boatman, who denied all knowledge of it, I went to a magistrate, and related the whole matter to him. I asserted that I had at least a right to demand my own property, if I could not sue at law one with whom I had entrusted my goods.

The boatman still denied the theft, and required that I should be punished for wrongly accusing him. In this doubtful case, the court demanded witnesses. This demand I could not answer, but proposed that my opponent should take oath on his innocence.

At this proposal the judge smiled and said:"In this land, my friend, there is no weight in religious confirmation. The laws are our gods. Proof must, therefore, be given in a formal manner, by witnesses or written documents. Whoever cannot do this not only lose their case, but are subject to punishment for malicious accusation. Prove your case by witnesses, and you will get your own again." I lost my case, but from regard to the hospitality due to strangers, was not punished.

I had far more reason to pity this people than to regret my own loss. How weak is that society which relies for its safety on bare human laws. It is like a city built on a volcanic mountain! Little firmness has that political structure which rests not on the foundation of religion.

Leaving this atheistic land, I crossed a very high mountain to Bragmat, which lays in a dale at the foot of the mountain. The people of this city are juniper trees. The first that I met rushed towards me, and pressing with the weight of his body, felled me to the ground. When I demanded the reason of this rough salutation, he begged my pardon in the most polite and elegant expressions. A few minutes after, another struckme in the side with a hedge-pole, and likewise excused his carelessness in a pretty speech. I thought they must be blind, and gave to all I passed a very wide berth.

I was afterwards informed that some among them were possessed of a very sharp sight, so that they can behold objects far beyond the view of others, but they could not see what was directly before them. These sharp-sighted people are called Makkati, and are, most of them, adepts in astronomy and transcendental philosophy.

I passed through several other provinces, in which I found nothing worthy to be recorded in this history; and returned to Potu after an absence of two months.

I entered the city of Potu on the tenth day of the Ash month. The first thing I did was to deliver my journal to the king, who ordered it to be printed.

It must be observed that the art of printing, which both the Europeans and Chinese claim to have invented, has been well known in Nazar for ages. The Potuans were so much pleased with my book that they were never tired ofreading it. Little trees carried it about the streets and cried: "Court-footman Skabba's Travels around the Globe."

Puffed up by my success, I now strove for higher things, and awaited, somewhat impatiently, an appointment to a great and respectable office. My expectations not being answered, I gave in a new petition, in which I eulogized my work and claimed a suitable reward for my uncommon merit.

The mild and beneficent king was moved by my prayers, and promised to keep me in gracious remembrance.

He kept his promise, but not to my liking, for his grace consisted only in making an addition to my stipend.

I had pointed my nose another way, but not daring to press the king with more petitions, I made my complaint to the great chancellor. This very sensible personage listened to me with his usual urbanity, and promised to serve me. At the same time he advised me to abandon my unreasonable desires, and take a more exact view of my weak judgment and general insignificance. "Nature," he said, "has been a step-mother toyou; you want, altogether, the talents which clear the road to important offices. You must creep before you walk; and it is foolish to think of flying without wings." He acknowledged my merits: "But," he continued, "it is not such merits as yours that will give you admittance to State affairs. If all merit should give this right, then every painter and sculptor, this for his skill in carving, that for his knowledge of colors, might demand a seat at the council board. Merit ought to be rewarded, but the reward should be adapted to the object, that the State may not suffer."

This speech struck me, and had the effect to keep me very quiet for some time. But I could not endure the thought of growing grey in my base employment. I determined on the desperate attempt, which I had formerly considered, to improve the constitution, and thus, by a bold stroke, to advance my own and the country's welfare.

Shortly before my journey I had strictly examined the internal condition of the kingdom, to discover the least failing in its machinery, and the best means to remedy it.

In the province Kokleku I had learnt that the government waggles in which women have a part. For being by nature vain, they strive to extend their power in every conceivable direction, and stop not till they have procured for themselves perfect and unlimited dominion.

I concluded, therefore, to propose the exclusion of the fair sex from all public offices, and trusted to get a sufficiency of voices on my side by placing the case in its best light. It seemed an easy matter, to me, to convince the male sex of the dangers to which they were exposed, if they did not, in time, weaken this female power.

I executed this plan with all the art I was possessed of, supporting it with the most cogent reasons, and sent it to the king.

He, who had given me many proofs of his favor, was astonished at this miserable and impertinent project, as he graciously called it, and said, that it would fall out to my destruction.

But relying partly on my reasonings and partly on the support of the whole male population, I held obstinately to my plan. According to law, I was led to the market-place with a rope about my neck, to await the decision of the Council.When the counsellors had given their votes, the sentence was sent to be subscribed by the king, which being done, it was publicly read by a herald, as follows:

"On mature consideration we adjudge, that the proposal made by Sr: Skabba, first court-footman to his majesty, to exclude the second sex from public offices, cannot be accepted, without affecting the peace and order of the kingdom: since the women, who form the half of our population, would naturally be excited by this innovation, and thereby become hostile and troublesome to the government. Furthermore, we hold it to be unjust to deny, to trees of excellent qualities, admission to offices of which they have hitherto shown themselves to be worthy and especially it is incredible, that nature, which does nothing inconsiderately, should have idly endued them with superior and varied gifts. We believe the welfare of the kingdom requires that a regard should be had to fitness rather than to names, in the disposal of offices. As the land is not seldom in need of capable subjects, we pronounce a statute which should declare an entire half of the inhabitants, merely from birth,unworthy of and useless in affairs, to be deplorable.

"After grave deliberation we declare this to be justice: let the aforesaid Skabba, for his no less despicable than bold proposal, suffer the usual punishment in such cases."

The good king took my misfortune to heart, but did not seek to change the resolution of the Council. As a matter of form he signed the warrant for my execution. Yet with his characteristic mildness, and in consideration of my having been born and educated in a strange world, where a quick and reckless head is thought to be a blessing, he commuted my punishment to imprisonment till the beginning of the Birch month, when, with other animals, I should be banished to the firmament. When this sentence was published, I was sent to prison.

Twice a year, some very large birds, called Kupakki or post birds, are wont to show themselves on the planet Nazar.

They come and go at certain regular periods, which has given rise to various opinions. Some think, that insects, of which great multitudes appear at the same periods, and which the birds are very fond of eating, entice them down to the planet. This is my own notion. The circumstance, that when these insects disappear, the birds return to the firmament, places the opinionalmost beyond all doubt. It is the same instinct, which leads certain species of birds on our earth to migrate at regular periods.

Others believe, that these birds are trained like hawks and other birds of prey, to fetch booty from other lands. This conjecture is grounded upon the great care with which they lay down their burdens, when their flight is finished. This supposition is somewhat strengthened by the fact, that they become tame and gentle just before they begin their flight, suffering themselves to be thrown into nets, under which they lie immovable. Meanwhile they are fed with insects till the regular period arrives. Then a long box, just large enough to hold a tree or man, is fastened to a rope, which is again tied to the legs of the bird. On the banishment day, food is withheld from them, the nets are raised, and the kupakkis wing their way to the firmament.

Two citizens of Potu had been doomed to banishment with myself. One was a metaphysician, who had offended the law by making some sage remarks upon the nature of spirits; the other was a fanatic, who, by starting doubts concerning the holiness of religion and the uniting force of the civil law, was suspected to have designed the overthrow of both. This latter would not regulate himself by the public ordinances, because, he said, all civil obedience was inconsistent with his conscience. Thus three of us, namely, a project-maker, a metaphysician, and a fanatic, were, on the first day of the Birch month, shut up in boxes.

I never knew what became of my fellow-sufferers. As for myself, I was enclosed, with food sufficient for a few days. Shortly after, my kupakki, finding nothing to eat, started off with amazing speed.

It is generally believed, under ground, that the distance between the planet Nazar and the firmament is about four hundred miles. I had no means of determining how long my passage was, but conjectured it to be about twenty-four hours.

I heard nothing, during this time, but the heavy and monotonous flapping of the kupakki's wings. At last, there sounded in my ears a confounding noise, which announced that we could not be far from land.

I now observed that the bird had really beentrained, for he set the box, with so much care on the ground, that I did not feel the slightest jar. The box was immediately opened, and I rose up in the midst of a great multitude of monkeys, who, to my astonishment, conversed together in an intelligent language rather than chattered, and walked to and fro, in measured and dignified paces. They were dressed in cloths of varied colors. A number of them advanced towards me with much politeness, and handed me from the box.

They seemed to be surprised at my figure, particularly when they discovered I had no tail. Their amazement was not at all lessened by the fact, that I resembled them (laying aside the tail) more nearly than did any stranger they had hitherto seen.

At the time of my arrival the water was very high, owing to the nearness of Nazar. This planet has the same effect upon the tides of the firmament, as our moon has upon those of the earth.

I was led to a very large building, ornamented in the richest style. The presence of a guard at the door convinced me that it was the residenceof no common monkey. It was, as I afterwards learnt, the residence of the mayor of the monkeys.

A number of teachers were selected to instruct me in their language.

In three months I was enabled to speak with considerable readiness. Then I expected to procure for myself the admiration of all, for my prompt ingenuity and superior memory. But my teachers declared me to be sluggish and dull of apprehension, and in their impatience often threatened to abandon their charge. As, on the planet Nazar, I had been ironically named Skabba, or the untimely, for my quick perceptions, so here I was called Kakidoran, which signifies, idle and stupid. Those only are respected here, who can comprehend and express any thing instantaneously. I amused myself during the course of my studies by walking about the city, in which I met on all sides notable signs of splendor and luxury.

When I had finished my education, that is, when I could speak fluently, I was carried to the capital city Martinia, from which the whole country takes its name. The object of themayor evidently was, to insinuate himself into the favor of a certain counsellor, by presenting to him a strange and unprecedented animal.

The government of Martinia is aristocratical. The state is administered by a great council, selected from the body of the old nobility.

Before proceeding to the house of the lord, to whom I was to be offered, the mayor led me to a hotel, where we could make ourselves presentable to his excellency. Several servants, called maskatti, or dressers, joined us for this purpose. One took the mayor's sword to burnish it; another tied different colored bands to his tail. I will here remark, that nothing lays nearer to a monkey's heart than the adornment of his tail.

When my conductor was polished, dressed and adorned, we departed for the president's palace, followed by three servants.

On coming to the entrance, the mayor loosed his shoes, that he might not soil the marble floor. After waiting for a long time, with not a little impatience, we were suffered to enter the reception hall. Here the president sat in a golden chair.

As soon as he saw us, the president burst outin a terrific laugh. I concluded either that he was seized by delirium, or that silly and insane laughter was a peculiarity of great people in Martinia. In short, I took his lordship to be a fool.

I afterwards expressed this opinion to the mayor; but he assured me that the president was a monkey of remarkable natural powers; that his mind was so comprehensive, that he not only determined matters of the highest importance at table, with his glass in hand, but even wrote or dictated a new statute between the courses.

His excellency tattled to me half an hour, his tongue wagging, the while, with an agility immeasurably superior to that of our European barbers.

Then turning to my companion, he said, he would take me among his subordinate attendants, since he perceived, from my sluggish disposition, that I must have been born in the land of stupidity, where

Long-eared mortals, in perpetual fogs,Oft lose their way to mire in horrid bogs:—

and consequently that I was unfit for any office of trust and respectability. "I have, indeed," urged the mayor, "observed a natural obtuseness in this man; nevertheless, when he is allowed time to think, he judges by no means badly."

"Of what use is that," replied the president; "here we need nimble officers, for the immense diversity of our affairs does not give us time to think."

The president, having spoken thus, very gravely, and carefully examined my body, and directed me to lift a heavy weight from the floor. Seeing that I did this with ease, he remarked: "Nature, although she has stinted you in the faculties of the soul, has compensated, in some measure, by granting to you a degree of bodily strength."

I now received orders to go out and wait in the court. Soon after the mayor followed, and as he passed, told me that his excellency had determined to include me in his train.

I concluded from his lordship's undervaluing opinion of me, that my situation could not be very elevated; still, I was curious to know my fate, and therefore asked the mayor if he knewwhat I was to be entrusted with. The mayor answered: "His excellency, with special grace, has appointed you for his chief porteur,[1]with a yearly pay of twenty-five stercolatus." (A stercolatu is about one dollar of our money.) "Furthermore, he will not require your services for any but himself and her grace, his lady." This answer was like a thunder-stroke to me; but I was sensible that it was useless to object.

I was carried to a chamber, where a supper of dried fruits was laid; after eating a little, my bed was pointed out to me.

I threw myself upon the bed, but my mind was so agitated, that I could not for a time close my eyes in sleep. The pride and contempt with which the monkeys regarded me, provoked me almost to rage. A more than Spartan patience was needed to listen with indifference to their sneers. At last I slumbered. How long I know not, for in the firmament there is no division of night and day. It is never dark, except at a certain period, when the planet Nazar comes between the firmament and the subterranean sun.

On awakening, I found at my side a mean looking monkey, who asserted that he was my colleague: He had brought with him a false tail, which he fixed upon me, and then tied to it some ribbons of various colors. He told me that in half an hour the president would be ready to set out for the Academy, and that I must prepare myself to begin my duties. The ceremony of promoting a doctor was to take place.

We bore the president to the Academy in a golden sedan, and were suffered to remain in the hall during the performance.

At the entrance of the president, all the doctors and masters of art rose and turned their tails towards him. To a dweller on the earth, such salutations would probably have appeared unseemly and ridiculous, as such a movement with us is expressive of indifference or dislike.

But every land has its own customs. I have seen so many strange ceremonies and varied usages, that I have come to observe, rather than laugh at them.

The act of promotion, on this occasion, was performed with the following ceremonies. The candidate was placed in the middle of the hall.Then three officers, each with a pail of cold water, approached him with measured steps. Each in turn dashed his bucket of water in the candidate's face. The sufferer is obliged to receive this bath without distorting his countenance, on pain of forfeiting his degree. Odorous oils were then sprinkled over him, and finally a powerful vomit was given to him. When this last dose had produced its usual effect upon the candidate, he was pronounced to be a lawfully graduated doctor.

I turned to a learned doctor, who stood near me, and humbly asked him the meaning of all I had seen.

First expressing his pity for my ignorance, the sneering pedant condescended to inform me, that the ceremony of the water was significant of the preparation for a new course of life and duty; the ointment, of elevation above the mass; and the vomit, of the extermination of prejudice and error.

I fancied, but I did not say so, that my dignified instructor in the mysteries needed a fresh vomit.

The Martinianic religion is not at all practical. There are two hundred and thirty speculationsconcerning the form and being of God, and three hundred and ninety-six of the nature and qualities of the soul. There are many churches and theological seminaries, but in neither is taught the way to live and die well. The people are all critics, who go to be amused by the art and delicacy of the holy teachers. The more obscure and involved the propositions of their preachers, the more are they praised. The Martinians are indifferent to every thing they can easily understand.

Martinia is the paradise of project-makers. The more inconsistent and useless a scheme, the surer is it of general approbation.

When I once spoke with an enthusiastic monkey, of the earth and its inhabitants, he fell upon the notion, to bore through to the surface, and make a convenient and easy way of communication.

He prepared a long and eloquently worded plan on this subject, which pleased and excited every body.

A company was formed, and named the "Subterranean Boring Company" its originator, Hiho Pop-coq, was made its president. The stockwas seized on with avidity, and the project was not abandoned until a multitude of families had been ruined, and the public affairs brought into the greatest disorder; and even then the scheme was dropped, less from its supposed impracticability, than from the length of time required to accomplish it.

The author of it was not only left unpunished, but was overwhelmed with the general applause, for the originality and boldness of his attempt.

The Martinians are used to console themselves on such occasions, by repeating the following couplet:

"The project ended in defeat;The notion was, however, neat."

When I had thoroughly studied the character of this people, I determined to take advantage of their weaknesses, and by some outrageous proposal, to gain their respect, and thereby better my condition.

I revealed my intention to a shrewd old monkey, who encouraged me in these words:

Who would succeed in Martinianic land,Must quit the useful, to propose the grand;Hazard those deeds, that to the gallows pave,Thy fortune's made! Here's honor for the knave.

After due deliberation, my choice became fixed upon that ornament for the head, called wigs by us.

I had previously noticed that the land contained a multitude of goats; with the hair of these creatures I proposed to manufacture my wigs.

My step-father had been engaged in the trade, and as I had, with the inquisitiveness of youth, observed the process, I could bungle at it.

I made a goat's-hair wig for myself, and adorned with it, presented myself to the president.

This dignitary was astonished at the new and uncommon decoration. He seized it from my head, and placing it on his own, hastened in a very undignified manner to the mirror.

So enraptured was he at the sight of the pompous protuberance, that he shrieked out: "Divine art, how like a God am I!"—he sent immediately for her Grace to partake in his joy.

She was not less pleased than her lord. She embraced him, kissed him, and assured him that she had never seen him more handsome.

The president addressed himself to me with much less haughtiness than usual. "O Kakidoran!" he exclaimed, "if this discovery of yours pleases the Council as well as it does me, your fortune is made. You may hope for the most honorable reward the State can give."

I gracefully thanked his Excellency, and immediately wrote a petition, which I requested him to lay before the Council.

His Excellency took the petition together with the wig, and departed. I understood that all the cases which were to come before the Council on this day, had been laid aside, so inquisitive were all to hear and examine my project. The work was accepted, and an appropriate reward was adjudged to me. I was called up to the council-chamber on my entrance, an old monkey stood up, and, after thanking me in the name of the whole republic, proclaimed that my work should be rewarded as its merits deserved. He then demanded, what length of time I should need to fabricate another such head ornament? I replied, that it was reward enough for me, that my curious workmanship had gained the approbation of the great men who composedthe Council; for the rest, I bound myself to make another wig in two days, and also to manufacture wigs enough for the whole city in a month, provided I might count upon the assistance of a number of monkeys, accustomed to work. This proposal, however, made the president hot about the ears, and he exclaimed with much eagerness: "It is not fit, my dear Kakidoran, that this ornament should be common to the whole town, for being worn by all without distinction, it will become ordinary and vulgar. The nobility must necessarily be distinguished from the common people."

All the members of the Council concurred in his opinion, and the city marshal was charged to take heed that none might wear wigs, except the nobility. This order having been promulgated, the citizens thronged about the council-chamber to obtain titles and charters, which some bought with their money and others procured through the influence of their friends; so that in a short time full half the city were made nobles. But when petition after petition poured in from the provinces, that the like favor should be extended to them, the Council, being possessed with a righteous fear of riot and civil war, finally determined to allow every one, without distinction of rank, to wear a wig. I thus had the pleasure to see the whole Martinianic nation wigged before I left that country. And, truly, it can scarcely be imagined what a funny and ridiculous appearance the wigged monkeys presented! The whole nation made so much of my project and its accomplishment, that a new era was established; and from this time the wig-age commenced in the Martinianic annals.

In the meantime, I was loaded with praises and panegyrics, wrapped in a purple cloak, and returned from the court-house in the president's own sedan, the sameporteur, who had formerly been my companion, serving me now as a horse. From that day I dined continually at the table of his Excellency.

With this glittering preamble to my fortunes, I commenced in earnest the work I had promised, and soon finished wigs enough for the whole Council; and after sweating for a month—a patent of nobility was brought to me, couched in the following words:

Back to Index Next