CHAPTER VIII.OF FEMININE NOSES.

The subject of Nasology would not be complete without some observations on the Feminine Nose, because sex modifies the indications, some of which, though disagreeable and repulsive in a man, are rather pleasing, fascinating, and bewitching in a woman, andvice versâ.

It is the fashion for women to aspire to equality with the other sex, and as long as they will be content with an equality, in a different orbit, they are undoubtedly entitled to it. It should, however, be the equality of planets—each perfect and beautiful, each useful and beneficial in its sphere; but pregnant with disorder and confusion when Venus would invade the orbit of Jupiter, or intrude within the circuit of Mars.

No intelligent man denies to woman such an equality; but as certainly as a good housewife would pin a dish-cloth to the coat-tail of a husband prying into the mysteries of the kitchen and claiming equality with his wife in the household sphere, so surely will men cry out against and turn with disgust from women who invade their province of warriors, statesmen, merchants, &c.

Nevertheless, let us not be misunderstood, or be accused of including in a sweeping clause those cases which are, of right, exceptions. A woman may be placed in such a position that active life is her legitimate sphere, and that if she neglects or devolves its cares upon others she is culpable. We all feel an enthusiastic respect for the noble Boadicea, arousing her pusillanimous countrymen against the cruel ravages of the Romans, and dwell with admiration on Elizabeth haranguing her army at Tilbury andpersonally engaging in affairs of State, because they were occupied in duties which became a monarch; yet if a woman, who has no call to any higher duties than those of domestic life, were to leave them to engage in the contests of warriors or the turmoil of politics, we should regard her as an unfeminine virago. Notwithstanding, though the woman may in some cases be needfully sunk in the station, those duties which become the former will still engage more of our love and regard than those which belong to the latter; and our own graceful Queen has secured, by her happy union of the duties of both, more of the love and respect of her people than any of her predecessors on the throne of these realms.

The energies and tastes of women are generally less intense than those of men; hence their characters appear less developed and exhibit greater uniformity. That their passions are stronger is undeniable, but these do not constitute character, nor are exhibited in the Nose. Their indexes are the eyes and mouth, and therefore their consideration forms no part of the present subject. This uniformity of character is noticed by Pope in a line which at first sight reads libellous, either because it appears to refer to moral conduct—which it does not—or because it is too sweeping and exaggerated. He asserts roundly,

“Most women have no characters at all.”

No characters at all, is obviously false; but, as compared to men, as near the truth as most general epigrammatic rules are. It is in the latter sense that Pope used it to illustrate the difficulty of discussing “The characteristics of Women” after a dissertation on those of men. The line, however, was truer in his time than it is now, when more general and more liberal education has tended very much to break up the uniformity of character which existed among the inane ladies of Pope’s era.

Nevertheless, whether repressed by Art or curtailed by Nature, women’s characters certainlyappearless developed than those of men. If by Nature, it is a blessed provision—as all nature’s providings are. It is the woman’s place to be in rational subjection to the man; and though thesweet saints would sooner tear out the eyes of St. Paul[43](we wonder he is such a favourite with them) than confess his precepts in terms, yet they do not fear to acknowledge that they have no respect for the man who succumbs to his wife, or admiration for the woman who aspires to denude her husband of his appropriate symbols of masterdom.

If this happy inferiority—an inferiority which places them far above men in practical wisdom, inasmuch as it consists in shrewd, practical common sense, against a man’s intellectual blundering—if this happy inferiority is the result of Art, they exhibit in its adoption much sound wisdom. Man is an insolent, domineering, self-sufficient animal—let himsaywhat he will about the elevation of the female mind, we believe no man ever fell in love with the woman whom he felt to be wiser than himself. He could not endure for a partner for life, such a perpetual looking-glass and reminder of his own infirmities; he could not bear the constant attestation of his own weakness. He could regard patiently the vaunted accomplishments of another man, but he could not submit that his wife should be his acknowledged superior, and to be her foil—perhaps fool.

Hence it is that wise men, so frequently that it is become proverbial, marry silly women. However much a learned man may admire female accomplishments, he detests a woman who strives to rival him in his own sphere, who is talking philosophy when he would be whispering “soft nothings,” and who freezes his ardent admiration with a dissertation on mathematics, or a moral discourse on self-control. He can bend, like any other man, with intense joy, over the blushing girl who tremblingly believes that her eyes are brighter and more lovely than the stars over her head; but would fling from him with disgust the woman who would repress his harmless and true—because soul-felt—flattery, with a philosophical disquisition on the nature, distances, and offices of the aforesaid stars. And it is because learned women too often strive by this injudicious ill-timed wisdom, to catch learned men for husbands, (and there are no more determined husband-huntersthan blue-stocking women, because they are always within a year or two of being shelved), that the latter are necessarily flung into the arms of women who they knowcan’tbore them with an eternal round of sense, from which every one is glad occasionally to escape, and never more so than when he is in love.

Hence it is that blue-stocking women are proverbially avoided by men; not because men despise or dislike their learning, but because they make such ill-timed use of it. They may be admired, but they are never loved; they may talk as learnedly as is in their power, but learning never won a lover, much less a husband.Ver. sap.my dear lady reader, and if you don’t understand the abbreviate, ask—ask—anybody, but your husband.

“Yes, Love, indeed, is light from heaven,A spark of that immortal fire,By angels shared, to mortals given,To lift from earth our low desire.”

“Yes, Love, indeed, is light from heaven,

A spark of that immortal fire,

By angels shared, to mortals given,

To lift from earth our low desire.”

And shall heaven-born love bow to mortal wisdom? Shall the God whom Jove himself obeys, become the slave of Minerva? No! let Love wear the cap and bells of Folly, but shroud him not in the cold cerements of the Goddess of Wisdom! Be assured, the doves of Venus will never nestle under the dusky wings of the sage owl ofinnuptaMinerva, who, herself, could never win a husband, or a lover, from the whole host of Olympus.

Whatever the cause, it is almost indisputable that women’s characters are generally less developed than those of men; and this fact accurately accords with the usual development of their Noses. But for a smallhiatusin the prosody, Pope’s line would read equally well thus:—

“Most women have no Noses at all.”

Not, of course, that the nasal appendage is wanting, any more than Pope intended by the original line that women’s characteristics were wholly negative; but that, like their characters, their Noses are, for the most part, cast in a smaller and less developed mould than the Nose masculine.

In judging of the Nose feminine, therefore, comparison must not be made with the masculine, but with other feminineNoses. All the rules and classifications apply to the one as well as the other, but allowance is to be made forsex.

The Roman Nose largely developed in a woman mars beauty, and imparts a hardness and masculine energy to the face which is unpleasing, because opposed to our ideas of woman’s softness and gentle temperament. In a man we admire stern energy and bold independence, and can even forgive, for their sakes, somewhat of coarseness; but in a woman the former are, at the least, unprepossessing and unfeminine, and the latter is utterly intolerable. Woman’s best sustainer is a pure mind; man’s a bold heart.

Moreover, the exhibition of character in women should be different from that in men. From the masculine Roman Nose we may justly look for energy in the active departments of life, but in a woman its indications are appropriately exhibited in firmness and regularity in those duties which legitimately fall to her lot. We do not desire to see a woman so endowed, launch out, uncalled for, into the bustle and turmoil of the world, or endeavour to take the reins of government from her husband, though she may be equally well fitted for the task: but we are content to see her govern her household with energy, and train up her children in a systematic and uniform manner.

She will form her plans of household management with promptitude, and carry them out with undeviating firmness and decision; and her husband will act wisely, for his own sake, not to interfere with her, so long as her energy does not carry her into his department.

But if woman’s circumstances place her in a more extended sphere, her career will afford an example to illustrate our hypothesis as well as that of a man. Of this we have an example in the illustrious Roman Lady,Livia, the wife of Augustus.

Her Nose presents a combination of the Roman and the Greek, and contains as much of the former class as is compatible with female beauty. The accounts which are handed down concerning her are very contradictory: some describe her as chaste as the icicle that hangs onDian’s temple, and qualified to lead a chorus of vestals, while others accuse her of licentiousness and criminal amours. It is, however, undeniable that she was a woman of considerable power of mind, which she exercised energetically and shrewdly in procuring the aggrandizement of her son Tiberius, on whose head she finally succeeded in placing the imperial tiara. Her Roman energy was nevertheless refined by an infusion of Greek elegance, and she was a liberal patroness of arts and literature. Her career likewise illustrates another maxim; that what woman’s character wants in development, is often compensated by superior passion. Livia was sustained more by the strength of her affections than by personal ambition. It was her son’s and not her own aggrandizement that she sedulously pursued; and if the lives of the majority of ambitious women were examined, it would be found that they more frequently sought to exalt some object of their affections—a husband or a child—than themselves.

LIVIA.(From a coin in the Museum of Florence.)

This, however, was not the case with the purely Roman-NosedElizabeth. She had no affection for any one but herself; and the energy and determination, combined withthe coarseness of her character, correspond accurately with the indications of her Nose.

The most beautiful form of Nose in woman is the Greek. It is essentially a feminine Nose, and it is in its higher indications that women generally excel.

This Nose will not carry them out of their natural sphere, and it is for this reason that it is so beautiful. Congruity is harmony; and harmony is essential to the beautiful. A woman gifted with the feelings of a poet, need not fear to give them full sway. In some of the most beautiful and touching departments of poetic talent women equal—perhaps excel—men. Scarcely half a century has elapsed since women were permitted to cultivate unreservedly the fields of literature, but that brief period has incontrovertibly proved the ability of women to pourtray with superior truth and pathos all that relates to the affections, the sentiments, and the moral and religious duties of mankind.

The names of Hannah More, Barbauld, Edgeworth, Tighe, Hemans, De Staël, and other lamented writers, together with those of several who still survive, place this assertion beyond the pale of controversy. The Noses of the above-named gifted women were Greco-Cogitative.

MRS. HEMANS.

But the power of expression, though essential to a poet, is not necessary to a poetic mind. It may exist as strongly in one who has no words of fire to give itscreations utterance as in one who pours forth in lavish self-abandonment the riches of his soul.

“Oh many are the Poets that are sownBy Nature; men endowed with highest gifts,The vision and the faculty divine,Yet wanting the accomplishment of verse.”Wordsworth.

“Oh many are the Poets that are sownBy Nature; men endowed with highest gifts,The vision and the faculty divine,Yet wanting the accomplishment of verse.”

“Oh many are the Poets that are sown

By Nature; men endowed with highest gifts,

The vision and the faculty divine,

Yet wanting the accomplishment of verse.”

Wordsworth.

Neither is the Greek Nose a necessary index of a poetic faculty. That form may adorn the face, but no rapturous fervour exalt the mind; although it will frequently accompany a poetic temperament, because it indicates refinement and purity of taste. These are its invariable indications, and in these every woman so gifted will excel; for to excel in these is almost her peculiar province.

In the minor and domestic departments of life, where woman’s influence is so peculiarly blessed, the refinement of the Greek Nose will appear in those household arrangements which make home the happiest and most beloved spot on earth. It will exhibit itself in her needlework by an artistic arrangement of colours and a poetic choice of subjects; in a neat and elegant attire, in the decoration of her drawing-room, or in the paraphernalia of her boudoir. Nor need it be confined to those elegancies which seem to belong exclusively to the higher classes—a cup of flowers in a cottage window, the well-selected trimmings of a Sunday cap, or a pretty ornament on the mantel-shelf will equally be an evidence of a refined taste, and found to accompany the Greek Nose.

The Cogitative Nose does not so frequently appear among women as among men. Women ratherfeelthan think. Their perceptions are instinctive, intuitive; men’s cogitative. They are shrewder and more instantaneous in estimating character, or in deciding an action, than men. Men must think, and fume, and fret, before they can decide; must, in common parlance, set the head (reason) against the heart (instinct); while women rely more on the latter, and are consequently, in judging of character, or in deciding on a course of moral conduct, more frequently right than men.

Our advice to a man would be this: if you are at a loss, after long cogitation—as ten to one you will be—to know whether an intended act is morally right, ask a sensible woman, and she will guide you with perfect wisdom in a minute. So, again, if you would know any one’s moral character, let a sensible woman converse with him for five minutes, and she will tell you without fail whether he may be trusted. Only be careful to accept her first dictum; don’t argue the point with her, nor give her time tothink; have her instinctive decision. If she thinks, she will be ten times more at fault than a man; and, if you argue the matter with her, she will lead you a dance through as fine a quagmire of absurdities as can be conceived, and there leave you, up to your neck in the slough, without the power—if not without the will—to help you out. And this needfully so. Instinct must ever be a better guide than Reason; for

“In this (Instinct) ’tisGodthat acts, in that (Reason) ’tis man.”

“The perception of a woman,” says Sherlock, “is as quick as lightning. Her penetration is intuition, almost instinct. By a glance she will draw a quick and just conclusion. Ask her how she formed it, and she cannot answer the question. While she trusts her instinct she is scarcely ever deceived, but she is generally lost when she begins to reason.” A more accurate picture of the female mind was never drawn; yet some modern writers have fiercely controverted it. Under a mistaken notion of equalizing women with men, they seek to destroy the individualism of their character. One witty popular writer has even ventured to assert, that if half-a-dozen boys were brought up as girls, and half-a-dozen girls as boys, the latter would be to all intents psychologically men, and the former psychologically women. Surely a more preposterous absurdity never won the assent of the unthinking part of the community; nevertheless, it has been warmly applauded and often repeated, as if it were an ascertained fact instead of a ridiculous fancy.

The Jewish Nose is not very frequent among women. Neither are its indications material to the perfection ofthe female character. It is the duty of men to relieve women from the cares of commercial life, and to stand between them and those who would impose upon their credulity. Moreover, woman’s natural penetration supplies the want of the thoughtful sagacity which protects men in inter-commercial relations.

The remarks which we made on the Snub Nose and the Celestial Nose in men, require to be considerably modified when we treat of those classes in women.

The Celestial Nose feminine is that which has won so much admiration and celebrity among French writers under the designation of “le nez retroussé.” They almost universally acknowledge its irresistible piquancy and animation. According to Marmontel, “un petit nez retroussé renvers les lois d’un empire;” a dictum which we are not disposed to dispute.

We confess a lurkingpenchant, a sort of sneaking affection which we cannot resist, for the latter of these in a woman. It does not command our admiration and respect like the Greek, to which we could bow down as to a goddess, but it makes sad work with our affections. The former, too, is not so unbearable as in a man. It is a great marrer of beauty, undoubtedly; but merely regarded as an index of weakness, it claims our kindly consideration. Weakness in a woman—which is gentleness, feminacy—is excusable and rather loveable; while in a man it is detestable. It is woman’s place to be supported, not to support. Hence the classical emblem of the Vine and the Elm is felt to be beautiful and true, because it pourtrays accurately the natural mutual position of husband and wife. A woman, moreover, has generally tact sufficient to conceal (often to their entire annihilation) those unprepossessing characteristics of the Snub and the Celestial, which in a weak man become every day more and more strongly marked. A woman’s weakness, too, is rather flattering, as it attests our supremacy; a thing which we like to be constantly reminded of, and of which we are very jealous, as it stands on rather ticklish and much disputed ground.

The impudence, too, which is utterly unendurable in amale Celestial, and which seems to court contact with the toe of one’s boot, is in a woman rather piquant and interesting. A Celestial Nose in a woman is frequently an index of wit. Wit is a talent not emanating from wisdom; quite the reverse. The wisest men are ofttimes the slowest. Wisdom comes after thought, wit before it. A Celestial-nosed woman is only more witty than a similarly gifted man, because the impudence which it invariably indicates is backed by woman’s ever-ready tact and quickness.

The indications are not varied; but the exhibitions are. Even if a man were gifted with the power of uttering the severe witticisms and cutting repartees which are nectar and ambrosia from the lips of a pretty woman, he dare not; for he would be inevitably kicked down stairs—if the fellow were worth the exertion.

In a witty woman who can skirmish with unflinching quickness and dexterity, we can even forgive a slight moral delinquency. A little white-lie simpered out with arch assurance by a pair of demure lips,

“Like leaves of crimson tulips met,”

by no means offends us as it would in a man; in whom we should attribute it to low cunning or mean cowardice. Indeed, the exquisite look of arch impudence with which a delicately chiselled marble-ine Celestial tells you a most palpable falsehood is maddening, perfectly beautiful, almost sublime. The cool assurance and sharp raillery with which she persists after detection! the assumption of injured innocence! the impudent look of defiance! By Jove! truly

“The dear creatures lie with such a grace,There’s nothing so becoming to the face.”

“The dear creatures lie with such a grace,

There’s nothing so becoming to the face.”

And then when they are beaten from their last defence, and can resist no longer, when they are compelled to surrender and beg pardon, they do it as iftheywere forgivingyou; and make you feel almost as if you were being forgiven, as if you, not she, had all the while been erring: at all events you feel very like a fool, thoughvery happy; and so a few tears, and a few (or not afew) kisses set all to rights,

“And so we make it up;And then—and then—and then—sit down and sup.”

“And so we make it up;

And then—and then—and then—sit down and sup.”

“Ha, ha, ha!” roars Mr. A. flinging down the book—which he has been reading aloud to his wife—in a paroxysm of laughter.

“It’s abominable!” exclaims Mrs. A., in high indignation, “and I wonder, Mr. A. you ain’t ashamed to read it.”

Mr. A. resumes the book, and his lady continues to listen with great interest, though apparently wholly absorbed by her crochet-work.

All things considered therefore, and inasmuch as we prefer the naturalness of a witty woman to the artificialness of a learned woman, we confess to a liking for the Celestial Nose feminine, while we abhor the masculine. It is not, however, every female Celestial Nose that we admire (Heaven, for our peace’s sake forbid—they are so numerous). It must be of the purest and most delicate chiselling; have no tendency to cogitativeness, lest it should look as if its owner thought; and its hue must be of the palest and most evanescent flesh-tint. These are essential to indicate that delicacy of mind which alone makes wit in a woman fascinating and which pardons breaches of strict morality committed from the purest and most benevolent intentions.

This sounds rather paradoxical, but an old Jacobite song will illustrate our meaning. The story goes that a gudewife concealed a north country cousin, one of the adherents of Charlie, in the house, unknown to the gudeman; and her ingenuity is sorely puzzled to account for certain suspicious phenomena which strike him on his coming home:—

“Hame came our gudeman at e’en,And hame came he,And there he saw a pair o’ boots,Where nae the boots should be.“‘And how came these boots here,And whase can they be?And how came thæ boots hereWithout the leave of me?’‘Boots!’ quo’ she; (with amazement)‘Aye, boots!’ quo’ he.“‘Ye auld blind dotard carle,And blinder mat ye be! (indignantly)It’s but a pair o’ water-stoups,My minnie sent to me.’‘Water-stoups?’ quo’ he,‘Aye, water-stoups;’ quo’ she.” (with impudent determination).

“Hame came our gudeman at e’en,And hame came he,And there he saw a pair o’ boots,Where nae the boots should be.

“Hame came our gudeman at e’en,

And hame came he,

And there he saw a pair o’ boots,

Where nae the boots should be.

“‘And how came these boots here,And whase can they be?And how came thæ boots hereWithout the leave of me?’‘Boots!’ quo’ she; (with amazement)‘Aye, boots!’ quo’ he.

“‘And how came these boots here,

And whase can they be?

And how came thæ boots here

Without the leave of me?’

‘Boots!’ quo’ she; (with amazement)

‘Aye, boots!’ quo’ he.

“‘Ye auld blind dotard carle,And blinder mat ye be! (indignantly)It’s but a pair o’ water-stoups,My minnie sent to me.’‘Water-stoups?’ quo’ he,‘Aye, water-stoups;’ quo’ she.” (with impudent determination).

“‘Ye auld blind dotard carle,

And blinder mat ye be! (indignantly)

It’s but a pair o’ water-stoups,

My minnie sent to me.’

‘Water-stoups?’ quo’ he,

‘Aye, water-stoups;’ quo’ she.” (with impudent determination).

And so in like manner she unblushingly persists, in order to preserve her guest’s life, that a saddle-horse is a milking cow, and a man’s coat a pair of blankets. Now we are sure this dear woman had a Celestial Nose; nothing else would have had the ready wit and impudent assurance to attempt so to befool her gudeman, and to persist, with the addition of no slight abuse of his dotard blindness, in her palpable falsehoods; yet we defy any one not to love the good woman, and excuse her breaches of morality for the sake of her hospitable benevolence.

Whenever two persons, the one having a large Nose and the other a small one, come into collision, the latter must inevitably yield, unless it is feminine, and takes a Celestial turn. It may then conquer, not by its wisdom or the force of argument, but by its persevering impudence, and harassing petty skirmishing. A wise man may, for the sake of peace and quiet, ostensibly yield to a noisy woman; though there is no real conquest, for he remains unconvinced.

But a Snub-nosed man must succumb, body and soul, to a Roman-nosed wife; she will assume the masterdom; she will endue the breeches; he cannot help himself; under her his nature is subdued, as Marc Antony’s was by Cæsar.

Take warning, therefore, ye Snub Noses; and if ye would be masters at home, marry your likes. Aspire not to wed feminine beauty; it is not for such as you. Marry Snubs; beget Snubs, till the race is extinct.

We are conscious that in discussing female Noses, we are treading on delicate ground. It is a difficult and nervous subject. We have endeavoured, however, to say nothing but what appeared to us to be plain truth. Nevertheless we would apologize if we have given offence to any one, were it not that we forcibly feel the truth of the homely adage, “the least said the soonest mended,” and therefore hasten to close a chapter which has given us more trouble and anxiety than all the rest together.

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