Conundrums.
1. Why is ambition like a weathercock? Because it is a vain and glittering thing to aspire (a-spire).
2. What preserve would an egg name if it could speak? Ma-me-laid (Marmelade).
3. What is the difference between a schoolmaster and an engine driver? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
4. Why are railways like laundresses? Because they have “ironed” the world, and occasionally done a little mangling.
5. Which is the most difficult train to catch? The 12:50, because it is ten to one if you do catch it.
6. What nation does a criminal dread most? Condem-nation.
7. What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).
8. What trees flourish best upon the hearth? Ashes.
9. Which is the queen of the roses, and why? The rose of the watering pot, because it rains (reigns) over them all.
10. Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.
11. Why is love like pattens? Because it elevates the soul (sole).
12. Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) the heavens since the Creation.
13. If Mr. Rowland Hill were to give each of his children a gold dollar why would he be likethe rising sun? Because he tips the little Hills with gold.
14. What is the difference between Mario and Cardinal Wiseman? One performs mass in white and the other mass in yellow (Masaniello).
15. What is the difference between a pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up paste and the other pastes up puffs.
16. Who was the first whistler, and what was his tune? The wind, when he whistled “Over the hills and far away.”
17. Why have fowls no future state? Because they have their next world in this world (necks twirled in this world).
18. Which is the easiest of the three professions? Divinity; because it is easier topreachthan topractice.
19. Why are your nose and chin always at variance? Because words are continually passing between them.
20. What kind of vice is that which people shun if they are ever so bad? Ad-vice.
21. Why should a little man never marry a bouncing widow? Because he would be called “the widow’s mite.”
22. What is that which every one wishes for and yet tries to get rid of? A good appetite.
23. What kind of sweetmeats did they have in the Ark? Preserved pairs (pears).
24. Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because havingeyesthey see not, andearsthey hear not.
25. Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Becausebrevityis thesoleof it.
26. Why is a man who does not bet as bad as one who does? Because he is no bettor.
27. Which travels at the greatest speed, heat or cold? Heat, for you can easilycatch cold.
28. Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post.
29. If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors would you feel inclined to name? Dickens, Howitt, Burns (Dickens! How it burns).
30. Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men, mean.
31. What kind of wine is both meat and drink? Old port, with a crust.
32. Why are people who stutter not to be relied on? Because they are always breaking their word.
33. Why is a game of cards like a timber yard? Because there are always a great manydealsin it.
34. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand upon the other.
35. In what color should a secret be kept? Inviolate (in violet).
36. Which would you rather have, five silver dollars or a five-dollar bill? The latter, because youdoubleit when you put it in your pocket, and find itin-creaseswhen you take it out.
37. In what part of the church do they ring the bells (belles)? At the altar.
38. We will send you 100 useful articles for 10 cts., postpaid. W. S. Everett & Co., Lynn, Mass.
39. What is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
40. Why should a perfumer be a good editor? Because he is accustomed to makeelegant extracts.
41. Why is a man like a green gooseberry? Because any woman can make afoolof him.
42. What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green.
43. Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check upon his stomach.
44. Why is an accepted suitor like a person guilty of a crime? Because he ought to be transported.
45. Send 10 cents to Keystone Book Co., P. O. Box 1634, Philadelphia, Pa., and you will receive 12 new and complete books, entirely different from the set of which this “Nuts to Crack” book is sold with.
46. Why is an avaricious man like one troubled with a bad memory? Because he is always forgetting.
47. What is the best kind of tea? Pacific Tea.
48. Why is a girl not a noun? Because a lass (alas!) is an interjection.
49. Why are indolent persons’ beds too short for them? Because they lie too long in them.
50. When is a man like a looking-glass? When he reflects.
51. When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight.
52. Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he wants re-pairing.
53. What part of their infant tuition have old bachelors and old maids most profited by? Learning togo alone.
54. When is a wineglass like an accomplished prediction? When it is fulfilled (full-filled).
55. Which of the heathen gods is most resorted to in sickness? Mercury.
56. Why is the letter E like death? Because it is the end of life.
57. Why is a lady in a cotton dress like anything published? Because she appears inprint.
58. What parts of speech are shopkeepers most anxious to dispose of? Articles.
59. Why are weary persons like carriage wheels? Because they are tired.
60. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
61. What is that which we all eat and drink, though it is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man? A toast.
62. Why would a tanner make a good chemist? Because he understands oxides (ox hides).
63. Why is Ireland like a bottle of wine? Because it hasCorkin it.
64. Send 12 cents in stamps to Rex Company, Box 494, Philadelphia, Pa., and you will receive one package of tea, one silver plated thimble, one Colorado gold pen and one gold watch chain. Don’t miss this great offer.
65. Why is a well trained horse like a benevolent man? Because it stops at the sound of woe (whoa).
66. Why is the port of New Haven like a very wonderful phenomenon in acoustics? Because it includes a part of the sea, called the Sound; andthatis the onlysoundthat you cansee.
67. When may a man be considered to be really over head and ears in debt? When he owes for his wig.