"Well, I see Congress has got to wurruk again," said Mr. Dooley.
"The Lord save us fr'm harm," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Yes, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "Congress has got to wurruk again, an' manny things that seems important to a Congressman 'll be brought up befure thim. 'Tis sthrange that what's a big thing to a man in Wash'nton, Hinnissy, don't seem much account to me. Divvle a bit do I care whether they dig th' Nicaragoon Canal or cross th' Isthmus in a balloon; or whether th' Monroe docthrine is enfoorced or whether it ain't; or whether th' thrusts is abolished as Teddy Rosenfelt wud like to have thim or encouraged to go on with their neefaryous but magnificent entherprises as th' Prisidint wud like; or whether th' water is poured into th' ditches to reclaim th' arid lands iv th' West or th' money f'r thim to fertilize th' arid pocket-books iv th' conthractors; or whether th' Injun is threated like a depindant an' miserable thribesman or like a free an' indepindant dog; or whether we restore th' merchant marine to th' ocean or whether we lave it to restore itsilf. None iv these here questions inthrests me, an' be me I mane you an' be you I mane ivrybody. What we want to know is, ar-re we goin' to have coal enough in th' hod whin th' cold snap comes; will th' plumbin' hold out, an' will th' job last.
"But they'se wan question that Congress is goin' to take up that you an' me are intherested in. As a pilgrim father that missed th' first boats, I must raise me claryon voice again' th' invasion iv this fair land be th' paupers an' arnychists iv effete Europe. Ye bet I must—because I'm here first. 'Twas diff'rent whin I was dashed high on th' stern an' rockbound coast. In thim days America was th' refuge iv th' oppressed iv all th' wurruld. They cud come over here an' do a good job iv oppressin' thimsilves. As I told ye I come a little late. Th' Rosenfelts an' th' Lodges bate me be at laste a boat lenth, an' be th' time I got here they was stern an' rockbound thimsilves. So I got a gloryous rayciption as soon as I was towed off th' rocks. Th' stars an' sthripes whispered a welcome in th' breeze an' a shovel was thrust into me hand an' I was pushed into a sthreet excyvatin' as though I'd been born here. Th' pilgrim father who bossed th' job was a fine ol' puritan be th' name iv Doherty, who come over in th' Mayflower about th' time iv th' potato rot in Wexford, an' he made me think they was a hole in th' breakwather iv th' haven iv refuge an' some iv th' wash iv th' seas iv opprission had got through. He was a stern an' rockbound la-ad himsilf, but I was a good hand at loose stones an' wan day—but I'll tell ye about that another time.
"Annyhow, I was rayceived with open arms that sometimes ended in a clinch. I was afraid I wasn't goin' to assimilate with th' airlyer pilgrim fathers an' th' instichoochions iv th' counthry, but I soon found that a long swing iv th' pick made me as good as another man an' it didn't require a gr-reat intellect, or sometimes anny at all, to vote th' dimmycrat ticket, an' befure I was here a month, I felt enough like a native born American to burn a witch. Wanst in a while a mob iv intilligint collajeens, whose grandfathers had bate me to th' dock, wud take a shy at me Pathrick's Day procission or burn down wan iv me churches, but they got tired iv that befure long; 'twas too much like wurruk.
"But as I tell ye, Hinnissy, 'tis diff'rent now. I don't know why 'tis diff'rent but 'tis diff'rent. 'Tis time we put our back again' th' open dure an' keep out th' savage horde. If that cousin iv ye'ers expects to cross, he'd betther tear f'r th' ship. In a few minyits th' gates 'll be down an' whin th' oppressed wurruld comes hikin' acrost to th' haven iv refuge, they'll do well to put a couplin' pin undher their hats, f'r th' Goddess iv Liberty 'll meet thim at th' dock with an axe in her hand. Congress is goin' to fix it. Me frind Shaughnessy says so. He was in yisterdah an' says he: ''Tis time we done something to make th' immigration laws sthronger,' says he. 'Thrue f'r ye, Miles Standish,' says I; 'but what wud ye do?' 'I'd keep out th' offscourin's iv Europe,' says he. 'Wud ye go back?' says I. 'Have ye'er joke,' says he. ''Tis not so seeryus as it was befure ye come,' says I. 'But what ar-re th' immygrants doin' that's roonous to us?' I says.
'Well,' says he, 'they're arnychists,' he says; 'they don't assymilate with th' counthry,' he says. 'Maybe th' counthry's digestion has gone wrong fr'm too much rich food,' says I; 'perhaps now if we'd lave off thryin' to digest Rockyfellar an' thry a simple diet like Schwartzmeister, we wudden't feel th' effects iv our vittels,' I says. 'Maybe if we'd season th' immygrants a little or cook thim thurly, they'd go down betther,' I says.
"'They're arnychists, like Parsons,' he says. 'He wud've been an immygrant if Texas hadn't been admitted to th' Union,' I says. 'Or Snolgosh,' he says. 'Has Mitchigan seceded?' I says. 'Or Gittoo,' he says. 'Who come fr'm th' effete monarchies iv Chicago, west iv Ashland Av'noo,' I says. 'Or what's-his-name, Wilkes Booth,' he says. 'I don't know what he was—maybe a Boolgharyen,' says I. 'Well, annyhow,' says he, 'they're th' scum iv th' earth.' 'They may be that,' says I; 'but we used to think they was th' cream iv civilization,' I says. 'They're off th' top annyhow. I wanst believed 'twas th' best men iv Europe come here, th' la-ads that was too sthrong and indepindant to be kicked around be a boorgomasther at home an' wanted to dig out f'r a place where they cud get a chanst to make their way to th' money. I see their sons fightin' into politics an' their daughters tachin' young American idee how to shoot too high in th' public school, an' I thought they was all right. But I see I was wrong. Thim boys out there towin' wan heavy foot afther th' other to th' rowlin' mills is all arnychists. There's warrants out f'r all names endin' in 'inski, an' I think I'll board up me windows, f'r,' I says, 'if immygrants is as dangerous to this counthry as ye an' I an' other pilgrim fathers believe they are, they'se enough iv thim sneaked in already to make us aborigines about as infloointial as the prohibition vote in th' Twinty-ninth Ward. They'll dash again' our stern an' rock-bound coast till they bust it,' says I.
"'But I ain't so much afraid as ye ar-re. I'm not afraid iv me father an' I'm not afraid iv mesilf. An' I'm not afraid iv Schwartzmeister's father or Hinnery Cabin Lodge's grandfather. We all come over th' same way, an' if me ancestors were not what Hogan calls rigicides, 'twas not because they were not ready an' willin', on'y a king niver come their way. I don't believe in killin' kings, mesilf. I niver wud've sawed th' block off that curly-headed potintate that I see in th' pitchers down town, but, be hivins, Presarved Codfish Shaughnessy, if we'd begun a few years ago shuttin' out folks that wudden't mind handin' a bomb to a king, they wudden't be enough people in Mattsachoosetts to make a quorum f'r th' Anti-Impeeryal S'ciety,' says I. 'But what wud ye do with th' offscourin' iv Europe?' says he. 'I'd scour thim some more,' says I.
"An' so th' meetin' iv th' Plymouth Rock Assocyation come to an end. But if ye wud like to get it together, Deacon Hinnissy, to discuss th' immygration question, I'll sind out a hurry call f'r Schwartzmeister an' Mulcahey an' Ignacio Sbarbaro an' Nels Larsen an' Petrus Gooldvink, an' we 'll gather to-night at Fanneilnoviski Hall at th' corner iv Sheridan an' Sigel sthreets. All th' pilgrim fathers is rayquested f'r to bring interpreters."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "divvle th' bit I care, on'y I'm here first, an' I ought to have th' right to keep th' bus fr'm bein' overcrowded."
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me gran' nephew's side, I don't know but ye're right. An' they'se wan sure way to keep thim out."
"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come," said Mr. Dooley.
"Where did ye spind th' New Year's?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"I didn't go to th' White House rayciption," said Mr. Hennessy, pleasantly.
"I see ye didn't," said Mr. Doolcy. "Ye'er ar-rm is not in a sling. Man an' boy, Hinnissy, I've taken manny a chanst on me life, but I'd as lave think iv declarin' th' sintimints iv me heart in an Orange meetin' as dhroppin' in f'r a socyal call at what Hogan calls th' ixicutive mansion. That is, if I was a govermint emplyee, which I ain't, havin' been born wrong.
"Th' time was whin a man lost his job an' his heart to th' prisidint at th' same time. A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform. He woke up an' rubbed his eyes an' says, 'Where am I?' an' th' polisman says: 'Ye're in an ash bar'l.' He come fr'm th' White House with tears in his eyes an' was tol' he was out iv wurruk. But, Hinnissy, th' prisint occypant iv th' White House is a heartier person. A reproof fr'm him is th' same thing as a compound fracture. A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f'r a week an' a severe riprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg.
"There was me frind, Gin'ral Miles. No more gallant sojer iver dhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f'r a coat thin Gin'ral Miles. He's hunted th' Apachy, th' Sioux, th' Arapahoo, th' Comanchee, th' Congressman an' other savages iv th' plain; he's faced death an' promotion in ivry form, an' no harm come to him till he wint up th' White House stairs or maybe 'twas till he come down. Annyhow, Gin'ral Miles was pursooin' th' thrue coorse iv a nachral warryor an' enlightenin' th' wurruld on th' things he happened to think iv. 'Tis what is ixpicted iv him. If ye don't read him ye don't know what's goin' on in th' wurruld. Ivry Sundah I pick up me pa-aper an' hurry through th' articles on what's a suitable Christmas gift f'r th' hired girl who'll pizen th' soup if she gets three yards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an' what ought to be done f'r th' Chinee, be Cap. Mahan, an' get down to what Gin'ral Miles thinks. 'Tis always good an' full iv meaty advice. 'Is Mars inhabited?' 'Th' future iv th' Columbya river salmon,' 'Is white lead good f'r th' complexion?' 'What wud I do if I had a millyion dollars an' it was so,' 'England's supreemacy in Cochin China,' 'Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare,' 'Is th' Impire shouldhers goin' out?' 'Waist measurements iv warriors I have met,' an' so on. Gin'ral Miles is th' on'y in-an'-out, up an' down, catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylist we have left. On anny subject fr'm stove polish to sun worship, I'd take th' wurrud iv me frind Gin'ral Miles befure th' man that made th' goods.
"'Twas that got him into throuble. Wan day afther inspictin' th' army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals on what he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority on navy affairs befure steam come in. I don't know what th' divvle he said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an' ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitor or a cow'rd. But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin' it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th' epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th' right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th' silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with the forget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House. As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogan calls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidint wasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but like a sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th' pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervously pluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard. 'I've come,' says Gin'ral Miles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion.' 'Thank ye,' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th' army,' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet. 'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct,' he says, sindin' th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army forty year,' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th' reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorced to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says. 'Is that what this is?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is,' says th' prisidint. 'I thought it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out through th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' article will be entitled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.
"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years. A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th' pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th' casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. He administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme Coort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with a stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about his leg. "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor. "That's good," says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll talk over that appointment," he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivened be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-class post-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very confinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice law till I take more exercise," he said heartily. Th' ambulance was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin' been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their homes.'
"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th' first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been inthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come, Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as ye want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel. Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin' mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."
"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis th' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther."
"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred bonds—twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have that annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an' some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less; others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. A larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal. Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear f'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant a divoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.
"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'm th' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th' parish priest an' there he was. 'Twas well if he had a job too but if he hadn't it wasn't a bar. A marrid man can always find wurruk to do. He's got to. But no wan iver thought iv askin' him to skin open his bank book. They wasn't anny such things. They wasn't anny banks. He didn't have to pin a cashier's check to th' proposal an' put in a sealed bid. If th' girls in my time an' this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man with twinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' at this minyit.
"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hanna wud say, an' not as an invistmint. We argyied that while th' childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'd finished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jooties iv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine, they cud support us in luxury. Th' young ladies had none th' best iv us. They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms. It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days. Th' father iv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant to look over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmints was sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-law was he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimony he'd require. If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegars that were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pass ivry second saloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' first fam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last. We was too dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin' a pound iv tinpinny nails. Durin' th' coortship no wan around th' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanst in awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol' man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen. We spint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries was bein' arranged. Th' coortship I think wint on be a complete system iv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan night th' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into a clinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint to bed. That was all they was to it. No wan assayed young Lotharyo Hinnissy iv th' sixth ward. If they heard he had twinty-five dollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him. I mind whin Hogan was goin' to marry Cassidy's daughter. 'I haven't a cint,' he says. 'Hurry up an' marry thin,' says Cassidy, 'or ye might have.'
"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, I think that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us. An' that's a good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills. It wudden't do to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin' ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit. Some wan might call ye. But it's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies. 'Tis far diff'rent. I read be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can't show down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel like goin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remain a gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time. Not f'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin' him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendher infant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequent letthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come. No rayspictible woman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none ought to have him afther he's got it.
"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up till hardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim. A man believes th' judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephine to be a poor man's wife. I'll wait till I get a millyion.' It's not so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' right people to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eager suitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherably past th' age iv consint. Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle. He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two on th' house. So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays down his pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th' glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a little slow. Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints. Since seein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a private yacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have a club suit, ye ought to pass up th' make. A slight oversight some afthernoon in distinguishin' thrumps an' they wudden't be enough iv that bundle left to put a rubber band around. No, Mike, I think a gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that a daughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty.' An' so it goes through th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th' very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already.
"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don't know that I ought to worry about it. I haven't noticed anny reduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day. Th' Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' if they've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to know where they got it an' notify th' polis. No, sir, th' gloryous ol' instichooshion iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay, an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct. If th' rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish about these things, an' there's hope in that."
"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wasted on him," said Mr. Dooley.
"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnery comes over," said Mr. Dooley.
"By th' way," said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity, "what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th' nevvew?"
"He's nayther," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' impror has no sons that I iver heerd iv. If he had a son he'd be a steam injine. No, sir, this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans. I don't exactly know what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is. I know what an impror has to do. His wurruk's cut out f'r him. I cud fill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan an impror has to plaze is himsilf. Th' German impror frequently mintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness. I know what an impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brother has to do ex officio, as Hogan says. But this boy Hinnery or Hans has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town. He's a kind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad. His bag is ready packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his boots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradle f'r him to slide down to th' first flure.
"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds on th' gong. In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddher he goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on his hat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan at a gallop. His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewell to him. 'Go, Hinnery,' he says. 'Go, me dear brother, to th' land iv perpetchooal sunshine an' knock in nails f'r to hang up th' German armor,' he says. 'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happen to hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an' raymimber ye done it f'r me,' he says. 'I will remain at home an' conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' assistance iv that German Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that we look up to as our akel,' he says. An' Hinnery goes away. He travels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field. He's th' ginooine flyin' Dutchman. His home is in his hat. He hasn't slept all night in a bed f'r tin years. 'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnery that; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an' Hinnery there. Th' cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th' time cards iv railroads. Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhers new shirts. He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo; he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes a frind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans. He carries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other, an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead. On second considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th' Krupp. They'se more where it come fr'm.
"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart man. I used to think 'twas not so. I thought he had things unaisy in his wheel-house. I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says: 'Look out f'r war. This wild man will be in that office f'r a year whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld.' An' ivrybody framed up f'r him. But look ye what happened. 'Tis twinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had. Ivrybody else has been in throuble. A screw-maker iv a sindintary life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks that were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a push cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' Japs has been at war, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin' wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got their dandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen, Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone, Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen dealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver will have anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.
"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but a fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always has a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' second blows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well, that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort. His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticket to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in the spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th' gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th' assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys, get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle; go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides. 'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure. Good f'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war. Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exercise ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's. Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin' but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestants is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.
"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In high di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy jollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th' back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fist undher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back. Sometimes he does both at th' same time. An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's way iv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimy iv all others. He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' King iv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears. An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'll haul off an' swing on wan iv th' others.
"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on this counthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furriners somewhat. They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that was born with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle, an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th' bluff I've been makin' these manny years. What'll I do to make thim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their own house to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it. They're a dimmycratic people. I'll sind thim a prince. They can't keep him away, an' whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get up schootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll see how manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure he makes faces at me. F'r, wanst a German, always a German be it iver so far,' he says. 'I'll sind thim Hinnery. Hinnery! Turn in th' alarm f'r Hinnery,' he says. Hinnery slides down th' pole an' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r America an' pay a visit to whativer king they have there. Take along annywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as long as ye plaze. Don't ring. Back th' dhray again' th' front dure an' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see. Act just as if ye was me,' he says. 'But I'm not invited,' says Hinnery. 'Write ye'er own invitation,' says Willum. 'Here's th' answer: 'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brother Hinnery to spind a year with ye, not received. In reply will say that nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure. He can stay as long as he plazes. Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' whole house, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf. If ye have a brother, don't neglect to sind him over to see me. I know a good hotel at four a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th' front window, he can see me go by anny day. Ye'ers, Willum, Rex an' a shade more.'
"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryous rayciption. Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th' prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wan continyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds, katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals. Th' aristocracy iv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will be festooned with dachshunds. He'll see more Germans an' more German Germans thin he iver see in Prooshya. An' I hope he'll have a good time."
"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Prince unawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottle iv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodle ivry time he reached. An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far as th' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye, good-bye, Hinnery. Good-bye, Hans. Guten nobben, oof veedersayin, me boy. Good luck to ye. Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re. Be careful iv th' gate. D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'd go as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on. Well, good-bye lanksman. Raymimber me to ye'er brother. Tell him not to f'rget that little matther. Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th' wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' will get our heads knocked off if we go into a fight. Good-bye, mein frind.' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, what d'ye think iv that?'"
"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time," said Mr. Hennessy.
"He's havin' th' time iv his life," said Mr. Dooley. "Not since th' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglars iv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as this wan. Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, but he niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here. Whin he's at home he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him. He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' useful to let people know where they are. But whin he comes to this home iv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wud imply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else. I tell ye, we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop. We're showin' him that whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, it don't prejudice us again' live princes. Th' princes we hate is thim that are dead an' harmless. We've rayceived him with open arms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a good fellow.
"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years among th' Germans. I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye. They make good beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they are fond iv their fam'lies an' cheese. But wanst a German, always Dutch. Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim all Perkins an' brought thim up in Worcester. A German niver ra-aly leaves Germany. He takes it with him wheriver he goes. Whin an Irishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American as Presarved Fish. But a German is niver an American excipt whin he goes back to Germany to see his rilitives. He keeps his own language, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry, his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, or if he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish. I bet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'd say: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia.' He don't ra-aly know he iver come to this counthry. I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf. He always counts in German.
"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all right an' I'm glad he come. I hear he wrote home to his brother that is th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherful counthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption. I've almost died laughin'. We was met forty miles out at sea be a band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. We encountered another band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles till we got up to New York. I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war. In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintatives iv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. I rayceived siveral offers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye say in ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin' insthructions fr'm ye. At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th' Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch on th' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th' guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, him clutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplank singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock.
"'I am much imprissed be New York. I hate it. Th' buildin's are very high here but th' language is higher. If I was to go home now, ye wudden't know me. Afther I hear a speech I don't dare to look in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye, mein lieber. Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, was a cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother, niver got by th' barrier. I hope I'll have time to cool down befure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up.
"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint. Ivrywhere I go, they'se music or something that does as well. I have a musical insthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watch on th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'. Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser." I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an' hock th' Watch on th' Rhine. (This here is an American joke. I'm gettin' on fast.) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week. They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'r me. Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow. Aftherward I'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry. Won't that be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver took dinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim food an' lodgin'—in jail. I wish ye was here to go with me. Ye've had more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye've had printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests. Th' newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind. I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlight be an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' an interview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th' Queen iv Ohio.
"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah. I am actually invited to a dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv New York an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward. Hooray, hooray! Mind ye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men. Far fr'm it. No one gets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out iv th' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry. An' I'm ast to meet thim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly. I'm goin' to buy me a table f'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' a good account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th' current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be no skeleton at th' feast.
"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th' merrymint goes blithely on. Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where I expict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a look at th' new railway station. Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago (pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya, an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahooga where wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was fought between Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer. I ixpict to larn a good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor iv th' counthry befure I rayturn. But this buttherfly existence is killin' me. It is far too gay. I suppose whin I was younger, I wud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passed an' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryelties iv Europe. Ye'ers, Hinnery.'
"Yes, he's havin' a good time. But what th' pa-apers calls th' climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives in Chicago. Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him. Schwartzmeister's fam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry. He had an uncle that was booted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince. We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned. Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon, Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans,' at th' Halsted sthreet opry house. Choosdah, iliven A.M., inspiction iv th' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard; avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville,' at th' opry house. Winsdah mornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law's coal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an' th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retail saloonkeepers. There's th' whole programme. They may think in New York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him what gayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv our supreemacy as a nation. That's what he wants to see an' we'll show it to him."
"Goowan," said Mr. Hennessy. "He don't know ye."
"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim," said Mr. Dooley. "To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a man who sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery, between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyion tons iv steel. We're all alike to him—Carnaygie, Rockyfellar, Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me."
"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"
"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "What's beet sugar?"
"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble about beet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeens is th' Ph'lippeen throuble," said Mr. Dooley. "As rega-ards Cubia, she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorce fr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserable home but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit, an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse to buy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman. We freed Cubia but we didn't free annything she projooces. It wasn't her fault. We didn't think. We expicted that all we had to do was to go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shackles fr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no other protiction f'r her poor feet. We f'rgot about th' Beet. Most iv us niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower excipt biled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own life juice. We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th' nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochions an' a lot iv other things akelly precious. Th' Beet is th' naytional anthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytional motto befure long.
"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th' same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or another it didn't suit her entirely. A sort iv cravin' come over her that it was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knew whin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel. Hunger, Hinnissy, is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism. They'se not much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungry freeman. Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom. Ye can't make freedom into a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it. It won't bile, fry, bake or fricassee. Ye can't take two pounds iv fresh creamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull iv naytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytional air, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th' shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tired freeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'r a job. So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us,' she says. 'Ye give us freedom,' says she, 'an' more thin enough to go round,' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thrade a little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries,' she says. 'We will wear wan shackle f'r a ham,' says she, 'an' we'll put on a full raygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongs f'r a square meal,' says she.
"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet crosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy, th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with th' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion follows th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beet is th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yon star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhry a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied. 'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'—Dan'l Webster. 'Thank Gawd I—I also—am a Beet'—th' same. 'Gover'mint iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm th' earth,'—Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an' lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye think so? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am no serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave, I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable. If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside not fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible viggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato, th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion, th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip, but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet. No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom. I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'm goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin' specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th' Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom stopped befure it was half done."
"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."
"All over?"
"All over."