Doctor.(nods)He had! He practised with it onTupper.
Andrewand Waveb.(together, rising)I think we had better be going now.
Ruby.(toAndrew)Yes, do, you don't know papa when he's roused.
(Waverly looks around nervously and goes up.)
Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment.(winking and smiling)
Ruby.(smiling)With a lady?(pointing at picture)
Andrew.(smiling)Yes!
Waver.I'll come with you, I'd like to see her.
Andrew. Right! Shan't be long, Jack, and when we come back we're going to take you out to have one jolly good caper for the last,(slaps him hard on back.)
Doctor.(absently)The last before auntie comes.
Andrew.(laughing and nudgingWaver.)As you say,before auntie comes.
(ExitAndrewandWaverly.)
Pearl.(toRuby)He's looking at us! Suppose he's fallen in love with us!
Ruby. He mustn't for worlds—father would accept him at once!
Pearl.(toRuby)We must be verydistantcousins now.
(Girls sit on sofa.)
Doctor.(aside)I'm no match for the two of 'em.(sits on couch between girls—cheerily)Now make yourselves quite at home, let me give you some more tea?(toRuby.)
Ruby.(freezingly)No, thank you.(moves to armchair)
(Pearlgoes to window and looks out.)
Doctor.(C. aside)Very sudden change! What have I done?
Pearl.(looking out of window)Father's back!
(Bell rings.RubyandPearlrush back and sit one on each side ofDoctor.cuddling close to him, each holding one of his hands.)
Doctor.(to them)Father's back? Oh, yes, I know,lumbago!I'll cure it.
(EnterPlant.)
Plant. Ah, here you are, my precious jewels!
(Doctor rises, girls rise with him, still holding his hands.)
Sir, accept a father's thanks!
(Holds out his hand, which Doctor cannot take—Bus. then girls release him—shaking Doctor's hand.)
Forgive my harshness this afternoon—a father's feelings, you know.
Doctor.On the contrary, you ought to forgiveme—I know now how much I owe you—my fairy prince!
(Girls laugh and sit on sofa.)
Plant.(quickly)Hush! Not before the girls!(goes to them, stands back of sofa)My precious jewels, how thankful I am to find you safe and well,(aside)I'll give it you when I get you home. I knowall!(to Doctor)Two dear girls,Doctor.who have never given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives,(aside toRuby)Have you settled? Which is it to be?
Ruby.(aside to him)Me.
Pearl.(aside to him)And me too!
Plant.(savagely toPearl)I shall lock you up in our room, miss, for the rest of the day.
Ruby.(ruefully)Oh, papa, how unkind!
Plant.(aside toRuby)And you too!(aside)I can get on better without you.(toDoctor.stroking their hair)Ah,Doctor.the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels,RubyandPearl. will have much to answer for.
Doctor.Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless,(looking through microscope)
Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no match for him. I must get him alone.(aloud)Well,Doctor.we mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy.
Doctor.No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day.(nearly dances, checks himself, aside—toPlant)Besides I'm expecting an old school fellow directly, he's a lieutenant in the navy, and my greatest friend.
(Consternation ofRubyandPearl.)
Youmuststop.
Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet any friend of yours, but really during our short stay in town we have so many engagements,(toRuby)Say good-bye and kiss him!
Ruby. I have kissed him once.(rises)
Plant. Good! Do it again for luck!
(Pearlcrosses towards Doctor)
Not you!(stops her)
Pearl.(toPlant)I wasn't going to.
Plant. I wouldn't trust you.
Pearl. Good-bye,Doctor.I wish you every success.(shakes hands and goes up stage)
Ruby. Good-bye!(pause)Dear Jack!(pause)I(going to kiss him, catches her father's eye, aside toPlant)I can't when you're looking.
Plant.(aside to her)Idiot!(aloud)Come, my precious jewels!
(Puts his arms round them; swing Bus.)
The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when you come to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the immortal bard, and join with us in singing,(sings)"Ours is a happy little home!"
(ExitPlant.RubyandPearl.all quarrelling loudly.)
Doctor.(alone)What a strange man! I wonder why he's pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah?(looks at aunt's picture, sitting end of sofa)Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell in love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll do all I can to give you a good time,(goes back to microscope)
(EnterAurora.)
Aurora.(excitedly)If you please, doctor——
Doctor.Don't bother me now,Aurora. I'm busy.
Aurora.(sadly)I don't want to bother you, sir, I've come to give youwarning.
Doctor.You want to leave me?
Aurora.Never, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I want to warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent brought in his pocket. His friend let it off at that picture, sir.
Doctor.(mystified)Letwhatoff?
Aurora. Detective camera, sir, an' 'e's comin' back dressed up like 'er.
Doctor.(smiling)Who is?
Aurora. 'Im as 'is friend calls "MerryAndrew." sir.
Doctor.(rubbing his hands)Oh, is he? It's my profession to cure people, and I'll cureyou, Master MerryAndrew. of this insane love of practical joking,(thumps on table)
Aurora.Do, sir, Idon't believethere's no ailment, male nor female, what you couldn't not cure, sir.
Doctor.Thank you,Aurora.(crosses to fire)
Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I thought I'd best warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed up, you might think it was—it wasshe—and—and be disappointed,(half crying)
Doctor.So I should have been—verydisappointed.(looking at picture)Thank you very much.
Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. It's now or never—I'll struggle with yer!(gets on chair, looks over into mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts them on, pauses)I do 'opeTupperwas wrong; if 'e's gorn and married 'er, I'm the miserablest girl in all Pimlico—South Belgraviar, I mean,(jumps down)
Doctor.(turning round and seeing her)What on earth are you doing? Do you want to bring the house down?
Aurora. I can't 'elp my weight, sir.
Doctor.(smiling)What a swell you look,Aurora!
Aurora.(effusively)'E's seen my combs—my diamond combs,(shakes head to make them sparkle)
Doctor.(laughing)Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste things to wear for her party?
Aurora.(disappointed)No, sir, theyain'tfor Mrs. O'Ara, and theyain'tpastry things,(aside)'E don't know diamonds when 'e sees 'em!
Doctor.They're like those in my aunt's picture.
Aurora.(joyfully)Is that your h'aunt, sir?
Doctor.Yes.
Aurora. Ho! I h'am glad!(aside)There's 'ope, there's 'ope!
Doctor.But those combs have gone out since that picture was painted; you're a long way behind the times—a long way.(bursts out laughing and rushes out)Ha! ha! ha!
(ExitDoctor.R. I.E.)
Aurora.(alone, sobbing)I'm "gorn out"—"be'ind the times," there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again—(takes them off)But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me.(pockets them)I shall die an old maid now—I can't wait tillTupper's growed up. Oh, it's an 'ard world for us maids, a very 'ard world!
(ExitAurora. sobbing, L.U.E.)
Aunt.(heard off)Is Doctor Sheppard in?
Aurora.(heard off, sobbing)I'll see, mam, I'll s-ee!
(EnterAurora. followed by Aunt Susannah.)
Aunt.(to her)What's the matter with you, my good girl?(c. up stage)
Aurora.(sobbing)N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit b-busier to-day than usual, that's all.
Aunt.Is this the doctor's consulting room?(looks round with affectionate interest—sits at his table)Aurora. One of 'em, mum—I expect 'e's in one of the h'inner rooms, engaged with some patients, 'e's always very busy on a Friday—you couldn't 'ave picked a worse day to come and see the greatDoctor.'Ave you got an appointment?
Aunt.I wrote to him. He expects me about this time.
Aurora. Oh!(Bus.—mimicking her intonation)Then I'll tell him.(knocks at door R.I.E.)A lady to see you, sir.
Doctor.(heard off)All right! Tell him to take a chair.
Aurora.(at door)It ain't an 'im, it's an 'er!
Doctor.(heard off, laughing)Oh, then tellherto take the couch.
(Aunt crosses L.C., looks at tea-table.)
Aurora.(aside)The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg!(looks at her sympathetically)
Aunt.(looking at picture over door)My picture! How sweet of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together.
Aurora.(coaxingly)If you please mum, the doctor says as you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum.(puts her arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)
TABLEAU.
Aunt.(smiling)My case!(sits on sofa)Aurora. Yes, buck up, mum!(slaps her on back)
Aunt.(amused, aside)Am Ivery pale, I wonder? If I am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's child in my arms.
Aurora.(kindly)It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and.(puts her legs up)
(EnterDoctor.)
Doctor.(sotto voce)Damn good get-up.(loudly)Damn good!
Aurora.(shocked)Oh, doctor!
Doctor.(toAurora)Don't you see? It's the picture—my Aunt Susie!(points to picture, then to her)
Aurora.(comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience, roars)So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg."(roars)
Doctor.It'sbotharms andbothlegs,Aurora. and we'll have 'em off in a twinkling,(takes coat off, rolls up shirt sleeves)
Aunt.(flabbergasted)Both arms! Both legs!
Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I sharpen the knives,(sharpens two long knives from case against each other)
Aunt.(screams)Knives! Murder! Murder! Let me out!
(Exit quickly.)
Doctor.(calls after her)Don't go—Old Soosie-Toosie!
Aurora.(laughing)We've cured him, sir, we've cured him!
CURTAIN.
act2 (111K)
Doctor.(alone)Good old MerryAndrew! What a sight he looked! Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle aunt. Why, I could see his trousers,(laughs, picks up bills, suddenly stops laughing)I must sober down now and remember I'm a married man with a lot of responsibilities—and no money, notyet!But auntie's coming to-morrow—therealaunt—coming like a good fairy to make everything rosy!(looks at photo)Flo, dear little Flo!
(Bell.)
(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo)I'm longing to tell you the good news! I'll write to you.(sits and writes)"Dear Madam."(tears it up)I mean "Darling Flo."(writes)
(EnterFlora. shown in byAurora. She carries a bag in each hand, and parcels under each arm.)
Aurora. This way, miss. The doctor's very busy, but——
Doctor.(not hearing, writes)"What wouldn't I give to have you here now."(takes out coppers)Sevenpence ha-penny!
Flora.(slyly behind him C.)Is Doctor Sheppard in?
Doctor.(absently)Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now, what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?
Flora. The trouble?
Doctor.Oh, it's my wife!(rushes into her arms)Flo!
Flora. Jack!(kisses him)
Aurora.(gasps, aside)'Appy patient!
(ExitAurora.)
Doctor.Delighted to see you, my dear Flo—most unexpected pleasure—only sorry you can't stop the night.
Flora.(surprised)Jack! I've come to stop for ever.
Doctor.(releasing her suddenly)You can't—you mustn't!
Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack. I've tried it all the morning, and I can't.(falls in his arms)
Doctor.But you must live apart from me—for—for a day or two. There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for anything.
Flora.(by sofa C.)A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who is she?(pauses)A patient?
Doctor.(smiling and shaking his head)Better than a hundred patients.
Flora. What's she coming for? Tell me—tell me at once.
Doctor.(putting his arm round her assuredly)My dear little wifie, she's only my maiden aunt.
Flora. Oh, Jack, are yousureshe's a maiden aunt?
Doctor.Quite! Here's her letter,(crosses to sofa, takes it from his pocket and gives it to her)Now are you satisfied, jealous little woman?
Flora. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody and everything—I love you so much!
Doctor.(round on to sofa)I know you do—and see what luck you've brought me.(pointing to letter which she is reading)I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money can——
Flora.(reading letter)To-day, Jack—she's comingto-day. This letter was written yesterday.
Doctor.(suddenly)What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw?(crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly)Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we are! Good gracious! She's nearly here!(crosses to Flo)Flo, it will never do to greet her with a story of a secret marriage—she'd be simply horrified! It's very hard to part—it's been a short and unsatisfactory honeymoon,(kisses her)But— Where's that Bradshaw?(crosses to table, fumbles to find the place)Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil is L?
(EnterAurorawith letter.)
Aurora. 'Ere, sir—a letter for you, sir—and the boy's waiting,(R. C.)
Doctor.(takes letter)Look out the next train, youmustcatch it!(throws Bradshaw to Flo)
(Doctor reading letter—Flo reluctantly looking out train, in Bradshaw, half crying.)
Aurora.(aside)You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! I see yer kiss 'im! They all kiss their dearDoctor.excep' me.(turns up her nose at Flo, crosses R. of table c.)
Flora.(glancing atAurora)I don't like the look of that girl,(starts)She's reading his letter, andIhaven't seen it!
Aurora.(to Doctor)Any answer, sir?
Doctor.Yes, I'll write a note to this lady.
Flora.(jealously)A lady!
Aurora.(aside, reading the letter)I'll learn 'er bloomin' symptoms—I must be 'is patient.
Flora.(watching her)The forward minx!(shuts Bradshaw with a bang)I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her husband's side,(takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw, viciously)
Doctor.Give the boy this.
Aurora. Yes, sir.(takes note, crosses to Flo)Can I show you your place—
(Flo indignant.)
—in the Bradshaw, miss? P'raps you ain't beyond the A. B. C.
Flora.(haughtily, snatching it back)No, thank you—I can manage myself.
Aurora.(aside)Can yer? I'll struggle with yer—I've learnt 'er symptoms,(as she goes out)Impudent 'ussy!—kissing the dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, my gal!
(ExitAurora.)
Flora.(looking atDoctor.who is absorbed reading letter)He's forgotten me already,(pause)
Doctor.(rubbing his hands)Good business! Call on you this evening, my dear lady—of course I will! I wish it was time now.(looks at watch)
Flora.(jealously)Who's that letter from, Jack?(kneels on sofa)
Doctor.A lady in Grosvenor Road.
Flora. How long have you known her?
Doctor.I've neverseenher yet.
Flora. Who is she?(stands)
Doctor.A patient, Flo—my first—at last!
Flora.(with a sigh of relief)Oh, only that!
Doctor."Only that!" My dear Flo, a doctor's wife can't afford to be jealous. You'll frighten away all my most paying patients.
Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't,(runs and kneels by him)I'll try and look as if I liked them, but I can't help being jealous. My jealousy's only love the wrong side up—that's all.
Doctor.I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first case has come when you were here. You are a mascotte indeed!(stoops and kisses her)
Flora. If I stop, I'm sure lots and lots and lots will come.
Doctor.(not noticing, absorbed in letter)This is the very case I've always been hoping for, and I've got if at last! Just look at the gold crest, and the thick paper. No, don't read it. Oh, it's worth three guineas a week, if it's worth a penny, and it's a three years' job—bar accidents.
Flora. What's she got?
Doctor.Hysterical paraplegia—she's afflicted with all sorts of abnormal fancies and longings.
(Front door bell rings.)
Flora.(jumping up suddenly from her knees)Who's that? Another lady afflicted with all sorts of longings?
Doctor.(seriously, rubbing his hands)I hope so—devoutly,(rises suddenly)By George! If it's auntie!1 She mustn't find you here.
Flora.(running about aimlessly)Where shall I go?(crosses L., runs towards bathroom R. U. E)
Doctor.(stopping her)Not in mybedroom!
Flora. Why not? I'm your wife!
Doctor.Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to take her things off, and if she foundyouthere, the whole story'd have to come out, and she might think it was a fairy tale, and that would be awful! I know—on my operating couch.
Flora.(shrieks)Ach! Operating!
(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed byDoctor.)
Doctor.It's all right! It won't bite you!(takes up rug)I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical. She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride.
Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's sure to find mehere.
Doctor.No, no, she won't!
Flora. Shewill! I'm so conspicuous!(sits on sofa)
Doctor.Themoreconspicuous the better, when you want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion,(down stage)
Flora.(jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering rage)Jack! You've done thisbefore!!
Doctor.Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right,(drags her back and covers her up)
Flora.(popping her head out)Oh, hubby, are yousurewe'reproperlymarried?
Doctor.Quite. Lie still,(same Bus.)
Flora.(same Bus.)It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a horrid, horrid wedding day!(kicks and disarranges rug)
Doctor.(putting it back)She's coming! Lie still, do lie still! Flo, please—for my sake! Do liequitestill—
(Flo kicks.)
and don't kick.
(EnterPlant.)
Plant. My dear cousin Jack!(putting out his hand)I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature.
Doctor.(aside)Oh, Lord!(looks at couch nervously toPlant)I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could you?(feels his pulse)
Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me—it's not me—it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly.
Doctor.(aside)Another case! Quayle's right again! They're flowing in.
Plant.(aside)Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get on better without 'em.(aloud)They are both—( sobs )—both——
Doctor.Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once,(putting on his hat)
Plant. No, you misunderstand me—they are simply overcome with the way—to use their own phrase—the "affectionate" way in which you received them this afternoon.
Doctor.(aside)And Flo can hear every word. It's all up!
Plant. They can talk of nothing else.
(Doctor pullsPlant's coat.)
It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack,(same Bus.)Ah, you have robbed me of my precious jewels.
Doctor.(glancing nervously at couch, with assumed levity)Nonsense!
Plant.(indignant)It's not nonsense at all, it's veryserious.Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young man with a rich—ahem!—future—but as their father—from whom they have never had a secret all their blameless lives——(crosses R.)I tell you, sir, you have brokentwohearts in one afternoon.
Doctor.(gloomily)Oh, good afternoon!(sits at table)
Flora.(aside)I shall go home by the next train.
Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for you, sir—all for you!(cross L., waves his stick excitedly)
Doctor.(half to himself)I can't commit bigamy.
Plant. I don't ask you to marry both—(whacks)—of them, but one or the other you must—(whacks)—andshall—(whacks on table)—after all you have said and done,(up)Now, my dear sir,(walking about waving his stick C.)I speak to you as a bachelor—(whacks rug with walking stick)—without encumbrances,(whacks)What have you got there?(whacks)
Doctor.(gets up)My encumbr———er—my model!(R. of chair)
Plant. Your model?
Doctor.(intercepting him)Yes, my ana——
Plant. Anna?
Doctor.Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it—and these things cost money, you know.
Plant. I accept your explanation—without prejudice, Well, to return to our muttons—I mean my poor lambs—
Doctor.(aside)Oh. damn your lambs!(crosses L.)
Plant. I ask you, as a father, what are your intentions?
Doctor.(aside)Can't tell him I'm married—he'd tell auntie.
Plant.(severely)Answer me, sir—what are your intentions with regard to my two daughters?(Bus. Flo.)
Doctor.(sofa, aside)If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain him!(spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused)Flo's hat! Oh —er—honourable, you know—strictly honourable,(tries to hide Flo's hat)
Plant.(pointing to Flo's hat)What isthat, sir?(works right round sofa)
Doctor.(following)A lady'shat, sir.
Plant. Don't be flippant, sir.(seizes hat and waves it)You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two hats—hearts that beat for Jack.
Doctor.(toPlant)I'm deceiving no one—that hat belongs to one of my patients.
Plant.(aside)A patient, indeed! He's got none.(goes for hat)
Doctor.A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't tell you—it would be a breach of professional etiquette.
Plant.(goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on sofa)Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical professions are sisters, and should have no secrets.
Doctor.(shakes his head)No, no, it's a delicate case.(Bus.)
Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any assistance to you—(aside)—or you to me—.(aloud)I'm at your service. Proceed.
Doctor.(aside)I'll break it to him gently why I can't marry his daughters,(toPlant)Well, to begin with, she's a married woman——
Plant. Is she? She'll cost her husband a pretty penny in hats.
Doctor.(airily)Oh, he can afford it.(speaks low so that Flo can't hear)He's a great friend of mine—in fact, the greatest friend I have in all the world.
Plant.(loudly)Then what's his wife's hat doing here?
Doctor.(aside)That's just like a d———d lawyer!
(softly)Don't you see, they married secretly, without her parents' consent, and she went back to her people, and—and time went on—and at last she could bear it no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town to find her husband——
Plant. Your greatest friend?
Doctor.Er—precisely!
Plant.(aside)It's that lieutenant in the navy. I must remember that.
Doctor.And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of hysteria and she fell——
Plant. Fell?
Doctor.Yes—in my arms.
Plant. Sir!
Doctor.Fainted—fainted! And now she's lying down, and the question is, when she recovers, where is she to go?
Plant. Go? To her husband, of course! Where is he?
Doctor.Ah, that's the question!
Flora.(aside, popping her head out)I've got the cramp! I shall shriek in a minute.
Plant.(aside)I'll put him under an obligation,(to Doctor—effusively, loudly)My dear cousin, my door is ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that hat——
Doctor.No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it. The fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is.
(Doctor andPlantup.)
Flora. Ooh!(sits up)
TABLEAU.
She's not a bit comfortable where she is, Doctor Sheppard!
Plant.(aside)Ah, the old story!(crosses R. of table)
Flora. I've got pins and needles.
Doctor.My poor child, let me——(goes to her O. P. side of table)
Flora. Go away—don't touch me.(lies on couch, rubbing her leg, aside to Doctor)I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get the registrar to cancel our certificate.
Plant.(toDoctor.who comes down C., looking miserable)So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don Juan!(digs him in ribs. In his ear)"These things cost money, you know."(laughs—to Doctor)If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll pull you through on reduced terms.
Doctor.No, no, you don't understand.
(To Flo, who comes down between them)
Are you all right now?
Flora.(coldly, crossing from him toPlant)Yes, thank you, Doctor Sheppard.(aside)Now I'll find out all about Jack and these precious jewels!(crosses r. toPlant)I accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir.
(Doctor pulls Flo to him, she gets away, and sits down r.)
Plant.(aside)He'll have to marry my daughter after this,(goes to Flo)
Doctor.(aside)I hate letting her go withPlant. but P'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get 'em oft before she comes,(toPlant)My fairy prince, how can I thank you for this double act of kindness?
(Slaps him hard on the back—Plantdoubles up with lumbago.)
Don't double up like that—you might be struck so. I'm more grateful to you(same Bus.)than I can express.(same Bus again)I've moved him at last! Good!
(Doctor goes to Flo, who crosses L. to sofa at once.)
Plant. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow me. Your hat.(hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor—to Flo)Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the girls are so madly in love with him.
Flora.(severely)They must be mad to be in love with him!(at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)
Plant.(aside)Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go back to her husband—good business for the lawyer—(rubs his hands)—and especially for yours truly,(goes up in front of mirror—crosses round sofa)I must find out what her husband's name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.—er—Mrs.——
Doctor.(crosses C. quickly, aside toPlant)Garden—. better call her Miss Garden for the present.
Plant.(aside to Doctor)I say, this mustn't be used against me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog!(offers his arm to Flo)Come, my dear Miss Garden—you must confide in me as in a second father.
(She takes his arm.)
Doctor.(aside)I hope she won't!
Plant.(at door)I say, Jack—"a lady in whose case I take the deepest interest!"(nods towards her)
Doctor.(toFlora. as they go out)Flo! Speak to me.
Flora.(going—angry)No, I won't speak to you.
Plant.(as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor)No, sir, we won't speak to you.
(Exit withFlora.)
(Bell rings.)
Doctor.(alone)I should like to have that gentleman for a surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're really in love with me? No! not likely. I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love with me except Flo—dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one.
(Exit R. I. E..)
(EnterAurora. followed byAunt.)
Aurora. This way, mum. The doctor's very busy.
Aunt.(aside)I'm calmer now!(her lips are set, and she looks anything but calm)And I'll make him explain his outrageous conduct,(crosses right round writing table)
Aurora. Will you take a chair, mum—and I'll tell the doctor——
Aunt.(with suppressed indignation)Engaged with some poor suffering patient, I presume?(sits)
Aurora.(aside)I don't like her tone of voice,(comes down and looks in her face—aside)It's 'im!(aloud)Is the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your complaint, eh?(taps her on the shoulder)
Aunt.(indignantly)My complaint?You!(shoves her away)Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at once.
Aurora.(not moving)Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh?(same Bus.)
Aunt.(loudly)No name.
Aurora.(not moving)Oh, the doctor won't see no lady without no name. 'E's very particular.
Aunt.(with suppressed rage)Then tell him Susie-Toosie wants to see him.(crosses sofa and sits)
Aurora. Oh! what ho!(laughing)Susie-Toosie—oh, if it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside.(tries to pull her out of her chair)'Op it!
(EnterDoctor.Aurorastops suddenly.)
Doctor.(surprised)Aurora!
Aurora.(to him)It's Susie-Toosie, sir.(laughs)Come back again.
Doctor.(laughing)So it is. Go on,Aurora. turn it out, that thing's my aunt,(sings)"For she's a jolly good fellow."
(Bell rings.)
Aurora.(leaving go of Aunt)Drat that bell, it's spoilt my day.
(ExitAurora.)
Doctor.(quietly)Look here, you merryAndrews take your hair off.(pulls it)Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight!(pulls it harder)
Aunt.(indignantly)Sir!
Doctor.Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll make him jealous,(sings)"There were two jolly sailor girls from Portsmouth town"—the little one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she'sdead goneon me.Her father wants me to marry her.(aside)That's shut him up!(aloud)And look here, you've got to take your hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey—I'm going to have a bath beforeshecomes—you know I'm a great believer in the water cure.
(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room, turns on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water flowing into bath.)
Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass.(shies something at her at the last word)
(Aunt sits facing audience, speechless with indignation.)
You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but a lunatic would take you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and come back for me at 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up—
(Aunt sits motionless.)
Oh, well, I can't wait,(undoes his braces)But look here, if you don't clear out beforeshecomes I'll break every bone in your body. Au reservoir!
(Doctor exits into bath-room.)